December

Saturday, Dec. 1:
I’m watching ‘The Birdcage’ while I journal tonight, so sorry if I skip around a bit. This morning after breakfast, the health volunteers participated in a march through town for World Aids Day. It was exhilarating marching and chanting and holding banners and posters. I’d never done anything like it before. There were 3 groups marching from different points in town, converging at one central location. There were supposed to be some guest speakers and awards given, but the actual ‘event’ ended up being a bust and most of us headed back to the compound early.
The rest of the day has been sort of long and drawn out. I wrote some letters, read a bit, watched some movies on the computer and re-organized by suitcases. VERY productive day. Tonight a bunch of us went to the river bed and had a bonfire. A group of us began to play ‘Never Have I Ever’ - which is a drinking game where you say that line and follow it with something you haven’t ever done - hoping that someone in the group HAS done it, then is forced to drink. Of course everyone in the group was drinking besides a few of us, so as they got toasted, it was rather uneventful for a few of us. It was a fun to see how creative the statements got and yes, they got more sexual as time went on, lol.
I also texted my APCD to let her know that I needed to chat with her about my site. She’s going to be here on Monday, so I’ll figure out things then.

Sunday, Dec. 2:
I can’t believe it’s already December. Back home, I would be in the middle of putting the finishing details on my Christmas gifts and the house would have been decorated for the holidays. Instead, I won’t be making or purchasing any gifts this year or even hanging a string of lights - though I’d love to purchase some light to hang on the foot of my bed. Instead I will be spending the next month with a ‘host’ family that I haven’t even met yet and celebrating Christmas with them - away from friends and family and hell, away from my friends (new family) here. We are the first group of volunteers in Namibia to be forced to spend the holidays with strangers and not with each other. We are all feeling a tad - how should I say it - pissed off. We’ve decided to celebrate Christmas on the 28th, when we all return here after training…
Today was about as uneventful as you can get for a Sunday. I woke up early, watched some ‘Arrested Development’ - a TV show I never watched in the states but one of my roomies has the entire 3 seasons on DVD - then I had some breakfast, watched some more, eventually showered and brushed my teeth, walked into town for a Sprite, wrote some letters, read a bit, ate lunch, watched some more of the DVD, took a hike, did an hour of yoga, hand-washed my laundry and, well, watched some more TV on DVD. I’m VERY slowly getting used to this idea of not doing anything. It’s very strange, very foreign to me. Maybe in 2 years I’ll become completely comfortable with the notion, but right now…it’s just bizarre. When we finish the next 4 weeks of training, we have a huge ‘shopping’ day in Windhoek (the capital) to buy stuff we will need at our permanent site. Things like silverware, towels, plates, shower curtain, etc. I am taking part of my ‘settling in’ allowance and buying a guitar. I plan on teaching myself to play while I am here - OH, and I’ve set a goal of reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica as well. I’m just not sure where I can buy that here????

*emailed Dec. 2

Monday, Dec. 3 - Tuesday, Dec. 4:
Another compilation of days. Monday was sort of a bust. We had some language training in the morning and then nothing scheduled for the afternoon. After lunch though, some of the PCVs started complaining about stomach cramps and fevers. As the day wore on, more and more began complaining. A bunch ended up going to the hospital and come to find out they have a stomach virus. By the end of the night, about 50 out of 70 were really ill. Throwing up, fever, diarrhea, cramping…they thought it might be food poisoning. I lucked out. The dinner that they thought they may have been poisoned by - I didn’t eat!! The rest of the day I spent reading and watching some more ‘Arrested Development’. I ended up having a headache, so I went to bed early. Also, we were leaving the next day for the host families in Grootfontein.
So this morning we had breakfast and then a meeting to discuss policies and logistics for living with our host families. We then were told the name and particular family dynamics we were entering. After a quick lunch, we boarded our transports (mine happened to be yet another ‘combi’ - of which I swore I’d never ride in again) and headed out. Grootfontein is about 4 hours north of Okahandja but the trip took longer because the driver was told to drive the speed limit, lol.
We arrived and were greeted by the families and the mayor who gave a short speech welcoming us to the town. I learned I’d be living with a family who’s father - Ryno - is 49 and a soldier in the military, the mother - Jacobine - stays at home (she’s 38) and they have a nephew living with them named Peter, who is 27 and in the army as well. They have 2 young boys - Simon who is 8 and Elija who is 5 and a daughter - Blessing’ who is 8 months. She has already taken to me and they said she doesn’t like anyone holding her. The boys LOVE me and the youngest, Elija, is a hellion who is going to wear me out at night.
This situation is a whole new challenge area for me. I haven’t LIVED with anyone in years - let alone a family that I didn’t know OR who didn’t speak my language well. The idea is that we’ll learn the language more being surrounded by it and by bonding with a Namibian family, it will make it easier for us to eventually integrate into our communities. It usually takes me a long time to REALLY get to know someone - I’m usually fairly guarded. The whole PC experience so far has made me wonder if I might have a slight case of ‘social anxiety disorder’ because I seem to get very nervous or stressed out when I know I’m going to be in situations where I have to interact with people I don’t know very well on a somewhat intimate level. Hell, isn’t that the definition of SAD? Lol
As I continue to be stretched and put in uncomfortable situations, the thoughts of ‘what am I doing here’ keep popping up. But I realize that as each situation comes and goes, I learn more about myself and find a strength inside me that I’ve barely tapped into in my life. At this point I just want to get to my site (wherever that is going to be) and get started the REAL part of my journey in Africa - of course, what I’m realizing is that every day is a new adventure and ultimately it’s not the destination but the…blah blah blah….
Steppin’ into the Twilight Zone.


Wednesday, Dec. 5:
Got up early in order to be shipped off to Tsumeb for the day. We met the other health volunteers there to listen to a few guest speakers and work on some language. I’ve learned that a few times a week we will be carted off there (which is about 45 minutes away) and then on other days, the group that is there will come here. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. If we are all supposed to be learning together - why the hell aren’t we all in the same town???
Representatives from USAID spoke about developing strategies for behavioral change. Our focus as health volunteers is to get people to have safer sex, use condoms, encourage better family planning and inspire income generating projects. What we are finding, is that it’s very difficult to convince someone to protect themselves against a fatal illness when they are unemployed, not eating regularly and have no light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, really. I do you tell someone to take precautions against HIV when they have ZERO motivation for existing in the first place? It’s a very sad predicament. Most people here only think of sex as ‘penetration’ - oral sex or anything outside of basic missionary is considered taboo. With most people being out of work and with nothing to do, they have sex. And sex, usually involves alcohol because that’s the only coping mechanism people have. So if you are drunk, having lots of sex with multiple partners…the last thing you are thinking of is putting on a condom. You can see the dilemma???
When we broke for lunch, I did have what I now consider to be the most ‘American’ 15 minutes I’ve had since entering the country. I used a credit card (debit card) to purchase a pair of pants, bought an ice cream cone dipped in caramel at a take away joint (they don’t call it fast food here, they call it ‘take away’ - which, doesn’t that name make more sense than fast food anyways?) and got cruised by my first recognizable gay guy in the country. It felt so much like back home, lol.
While at lunch, we learned that one of our fellow PCVs Seth, who had remained in Grootfontein because he was feeling ill, had been robbed at knife point. Now, don’t get scared for me, I don’t have all the details yet. He is fine. They got his watch and 400 bucks (Namibian which is only about 55 US). He had decided he was feeling better and went out for a walk. The 1ST and MOST important thing they’ve taught us in the PC is NEVER venture into unknown territory alone. Thieves can spot a ‘newbie’ a mile away. If you look remotely like you don’t know where you are going, you become a target. And with Seth probably looking ill, that didn’t help matters. I will find out more tomorrow, but it sounds like he was walking somewhere he shouldn’t have been. I have never once felt unsafe since I’ve been here. It’s kind of ironic. Me being gay in the US could possibly make me a ‘target’ of violence but here, because I am ‘big’ and have this massive tattoo, the Namibians are afraid of me. I’ve actually unintentionally scared people here - MEN that is. So needless to say, I’m not concerned about my safety. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do particularly risky things, I just don’t feel I’m going to be targeted.
I returned to my host family after a long day to discover that my host father’s mother past away this afternoon. Death is handled very differently here. Back home, if there was a death in the family, people would be upset, and crying and making arrangements to attend the funeral if possible. There was no crying here. As soon as I found out I consulted him to see if he was okay and he laughed at me for being so upset for him. He said he was fine and that she was very, very, very old and that was it. End of discussion. Now it could have been that he just wasn’t comfortable opening up to me which I completely understand. But I don’t think that was it. I think that life is so hard in this country and death is such a common part of it, that it truly doesn’t affect the locals on the same level as it does us back home. It makes you wonder.

Thursday, Dec. 6:
Can I just say that the surreal experiences just keep on happening??? The day started out like any other, we walked about 45 minutes to the hospital this morning for training. We got a lot out of Beth’s presentation (she is a Nam25’r who is getting ready to COS but then is coming back to Africa in a month to start ALL OVER AGAIN for another 2 years in Uganda!!! She is made of some type of material that should be sold by the ounce). We then had language which was a bust. Basically, I’m not going to speak Rukwangali any better than if I just studied on my own.
Afterwards, we were to meet our host families at the SPAR (grocery store) and do shopping with them. We were given N$1100 to supply the host family with money for utilities and 750 to supplement their food expenses. MOST of our host families though, have this idea that we were to purchase ALL the groceries with that money. Talk about an uncomfortable conversation and experience. 750 doesn’t go very far here and we were instructed to make sure that we - the PCVs - we covered as far as food. Me, being someone who doesn’t cook - which means I don’t shop very well - was at first putting everything they wanted into the cart. Realizing that most of the food was stuff I was not going to eat, I thought they understood that they would be putting in some of the money as well. That was not the case. The bill ended up being 550 with very few items pertaining strictly to me. We then were headed to another store where they intended to purchase some chicken. I tried once again to explain to them the concept of ‘supplementary’ but they didn’t get it and kept asking me for more money. When I said I did not HAVE any more, the father brought up the money for utilities. I said, yes, I have that money, but it’s for electric/water NOT for food. The culture is so different here and with the language barrier, it was definitely an interesting conversation to partake of. I, thank God, kept out 200 bucks as a cushion in case I find myself without any food or if they eat through what we bought before 2 weeks are up. It’s a strange dynamic because these people are very poor and hardly eat anything being maize meal (porridge), rice, and macaroni - and here I am being a stingy American worried about whether I’m going to get scurvy from not eating enough oranges.
So with that out of the way, I met up with Sarah to walk into town to buy a fan. Last night I didn’t sleep at all because after falling asleep initially, was awakened at midnight to the blaring music coming from CLUB ROMEO across the street. Living in the location definitely has it’s own share of challenges (by the way, have I explained what a location is?? If not, remind me and I’ll share the African culture structure some other time).
While in town, we vented to one another (she is fast becoming a source of strength for me here and I her) and searched out a cheap fan. We ran into Beth and upon mentioning what I was looking for, told me she would sell me hers. So I ended up spending 100 bucks instead of 200. 100 Namibian that is, which is about 16 bucks American. Beth was on her way somewhere else and we made plans to meet her later to pick it up.
We headed back to our homes and well, needless to say, disaster struck for me. I’m about to share a disturbing, gross story…so if you are not prepared for such…skip the next paragraph. All of a sudden, I had to take a shit very badly. I clenched and did my Kiegels (spelling?) as best I could but I realized very quickly there was NO way I was making it back to the house. I turned to Sarah and said I GOTTA GO NOW! We had been walking along a railroad track and on the other side were some shrubs in a ditch. It was my ONLY option. I ran down the ravine, only to almost stumble directly into a rotting dog carcass, up the hill, across the railroad tracks and found a trail winding into the bushes. At this point worrying about snakes or hell, even someone seeing me was the FURTHEST thing from my mind. I went as deep into the shrubs as I could, squatted down and enjoyed my first case of explosive diarrhea. It’s one of those situations that if you don’t start hysterically laughing at yourself, you will cry. It’s ALSO one of those situations that having some private time for about 15 minutes to make sure it’s all out, would be a gift from God. I did not have that. All I thought about is some kids walking around the corner and seeing this white man with his pants around his ankles and brightly colored orange shit splattered on the bushes behind me. This goes down in the books as my most awkward moment by far in this country.
With nothing to wipe my ass I pulled up my underwear and pants (I’m thankful I even THOUGHT to wear underwear today) and headed to my house. I told Sarah I would have to ‘clean’ myself up a bit before we headed over to Beth’s. She got quite the laugh from my tale (pun intended) and we realized how since we’ve been in this country, we have grown SO comfortable with ourselves that talking about diarrhea is the norm.
I cleaned up, chatted with my host mother for a bit and then Sarah and I headed to the other location for my fan. Upon getting to Beth’s, I realized how much of a palace the place I was supposed to live in, in Mpungu, really was. Beth has been living in a garage with NO running water. The garage door is still there, but bolted down and when it rains heavily, it just comes into her pseudo-living room. Her flat was more of a 10 year old’s clubhouse then an actual living space. I can’t even IMAGINE if I end up in a place like that. Mark would be proud…I’ve seriously become BOUJIE.
We then walked over to Sky’s place (another Nam26’r) and I discovered that yes, things could be worse. She is living in a garage space as well, but ½ the size of Beth’s and all 3 rooms are separate - you have to walk outside to go to the bathroom and bedroom which all need their own keys. Seriously, her house is like a shack. The house that the garage belongs to, has had a sewage backup in the front yard. Needless to say, her place smelled like shit. These people are built differently from most I know back home. It’s unreal their living conditions and yet they are content…happy even.
There were 3 other Nam26’rs that had hiked in for the night, crashing at Sky’s small place. I find it fascinating that PCVs are instant friends and comfortable with one another the moment they meet. Never once have I felt like I couldn’t ask ANYTHING of another PCV even though I may have known them for 5 minutes. It’s instant family. They were waiting on an Afrikaaner friend of Sky’s who has a house with a pool. Yes, a pool. We were invited to swim as well, but I needed to get back to my host family and Sarah was heading over to the missionaries’ house to make a phone call.
Some children walked us to the house because at this point it was dark and we didn’t know the way. I met the two American missionaries (though I have forgotten then names already) and was offered frozen peanut M&Ms as I sat down to watch Will & Grace. They somehow have American satellite TV AND they have a DVD player. It’s funny how little things like that can put a great big ol’ smile on your face. They called me a taxi so I wouldn’t have to walk home in the dark - hell, I’d NEVER have found my house anyways. They said we could come back anytime and even crash in their in the spare bedroom whenever. Sky is house sitting for them starting Monday because they are going on holiday to Kenya. I’m sure I’ll be back over there soon. Sky is already planning a pool party for us at her friends’ for Saturday…I’m feeling much better about the next 3 weeks. On the way back, Cedar and Kerri from Kavango texted me to say they were in Groot for the night and possibly staying in the house right next to mine. I barely know these guys but like I said, PCV = instant family.

Friday, Dec. 7 - Saturday, Dec. 8:
The days are starting to blend together. Another mindless round of language training, then off to Tsumeb for the most BORING lecture by a representative of NawaLife (an AIDS health organization), then with the cancellation of the afternoon guest - back to Groot for more language. The evening wasn’t a total bust though, a group of us met Sky and headed to Atmed’s house to go swimming. It was nice to listen to music, star at the clear sky and cool off in the water. When the Afrikaaners started to drink a lot, it was time to head home.
Moonlight Swim.

2 hours of language again this morning and then we had an option of returning home or attending a local wedding. I opted out of the wedding because it wasn’t a ‘traditional’ ceremony - THAT would have been interesting to see. I came home and had my host mother teach me how to hand wash clothes. I then took a nap and was awakened by Sarah informing me that people were getting together at Anna Marie’s for lunch. I headed over and found the house full of us PCVs making mashed potatoes and chicken. We then watched some TV and got caught there in a downpour which cooled things off nicely.
We were invited to attend the wedding reception at 4 but again, decided against it. After a few hours of hanging out, a few of us decided to go into town for dinner with our trainer. There are only a few restaurants and they don’t have menus, they just have 3-4 options - ALL meat based, lol. I ordered chips (French fries) and went next door to the grocery and got a piece of fish. We had a car at our disposal so everyone got a ride home and then I walked Ashley a few blocks to her place. It’s kind of strange, I am in what would be considered the ‘ghetto’ in the states, walking around at night where it’s dimly lit and I am not afraid. It’s empowering. And no, I’m not being stupid. There have been a few times where I have gotten a tingle in my gut and changed direction or chosen another route. But all in all, I’m confident that my safety will not be an issue here. I’m going to watch Death to Smoochy and hit the sack.

Sunday, Dec. 9 - Monday, Dec. 10:
Once again I apologize for not writing each and every day but some days end up being so uneventful that it’s easier to combine. I ended up skipping out on going to church with my host mother which actually worked in my favor because she was pretty much there from 9 in the morning until around 10 at night. Now this was an unusual day in the sense that they had guest speakers from Rundu here and so the day was planned out of them. I will attend services with them next Sunday though. Most of the day I walked around town with friends, hung out at Sky’s place with her and Shayna (trying to convince them to go swimming) and then back to my place in the evening for some time alone and Arrested Development, lol.
Today we had a meeting with some members of the community to assess their needs and wants in relation to our workshop for next week. This whole concept of assessing needs and building capacity in communities via workshops is very new. It feels very corporate and I’m trying not to see it that way because I pretty much hate anything corporate.
The meeting went well, though nothing that was brought up was new information. People have basically heard enough about HIV/AIDS (meaning that everyone HAS the information as of now) and they are more interested in how do we keep underage kids from becoming alcoholics/drug users and help people with income generating projects. So based on the information THEY gave us, we will now start to formulate ideas and concepts to present in our workshop all next week.
We then had a few hours of language in which I finally decided one of my side projects while here in Namibia is going to be to re-write the current text on Rukwangali. The 3-4 books we are using are useless. They do not explain grammar, sentence structure OR verb conjugation. I’m going to put an end to that - Nam28 better kiss my f’n ass.
On the way home from town, I got a text that my host father, brothers and Peter had made it back. I was actually excited to see the boys. When I arrived home, they were equally thrilled to be around me again. Tonight was the first night that I felt sort of ‘at home’ here in this house with them. With the boys climbing all over me and the baby and mama laughing at us being silly - it felt very nice. I had made plans to go over to Magreth’s and work on a verb conjugation chart, so I headed over there for a bit. When I arrived back home, Anna Marie was there because she didn’t want to be home all alone, so she asked if I’d come over and watch a movie with her or something. I was torn, but I said ok and Ashley and I spent some time with her. I plan on spending the next few nights with my family here - to bond even more. I walked Ashley home and upon returning, past a few young girls playing jump rope in the street. I said hello and as I was walking away, one of them said I was very beautiful…it was a cute moment and made me smile. I came home to find my host father had waited up for me even though he was exhausted from the drive home. It truly amazes me that these people are the poorest (monetarily speaking) I’ve ever known and yet their hearts and capacity for caring goes far being what I’ve experienced in my life.

Tuesday, Dec. 11:
An early day of language starting at 7:45 and then off to Tsumeb 2 hours later. We had some training in grief management and a lesson in how the different cultures of Namibia handle not only giving/receiving the news of someone’s death but how they respond TO the news. It was actually fascinating. When someone goes to another’s house in order to tell them someone has died, they don’t just barge in and say so and so is dead. They talk with the person first and ‘feel out’ the emotional state of the individual by easing into the conversation. They can easily talk about the weather, the day, etc. for up to 20 minutes before turning the conversation to death. They found it equally as interesting that we would just call someone crying and say that someone has died - all in about 30 seconds.
We rode back to Groot, but too late to have another language class. I sorta had a headache and decided to lay down a bit. After a nap I played with the boys, ate some dinner (macaroni, beans, and a hardboiled egg - very appetizing, lol), played with the boys some more, watched an episode of Lost with Peter on the laptop and now I’m heading to bed. I really can’t wait to get through this CBT training and get on with it. Everyday I am growing that much more comfortable with being here but I know when I get to my site and I’m by myself again, I will once again have to ‘get used to’ my surroundings. Hopefully I will know by this Friday where I’m going to be.

Wednesday, Dec. 12 - Thursday, Dec. 13:
Good ol’ Mefloquine. Wednesday is when I take my malaria medication and without fail, it causes me to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back asleep. I was hoping my body would have habituated to it by now, but that is not the case.
We, once again, were hauled off to Tsumeb for training after our language lesson in the morning. We are going to be tested on language this Sunday. I typically do not ‘test’ very well, so I am not looking forward to it. We are also continuing to prepare for our workshop next week. Workshops are something that occasionally a health volunteer finds themselves needing to do. I honestly don’t plan on doing much of them. I want to focus on income generating projects and home-based health care.
Today, Thursday, we didn’t have to travel - the others came to us. We had a guest speaker from the Ministry of Gender Equality come and speak to us about the orphan crisis in Namibia. There are around 128,000 orphans here currently. The guardians can apply for grants - money for food and clothes. The problem is, the grant is only for N$200 for the first child and N$100 for each additional child. Now, let me tell you, 200 Namibian is about 35.75 American. 35 bucks to feed and clothe a child AND pay school fees. You figure it out.
Lejeune also showed up and I had a moment to ask her about my site change. She informed me that Hannah told her that I basically just needed to ‘suck it up’ and go to Mpungu for 4 months and try it. I’m very conflicted with this information. I explained to Lejeune again how I felt and my reasons behind it and tried to offer alternatives. She claims there are no other sites in bigger towns available. I seem to believe she isn’t being completely honest with me, but…that’s just me.
Back to me being conflicted. I’ve been in the country about 6 weeks now and it seems that every challenge that has been thrown at me, I’ve adapted (some taking longer than others, lol). At this point, I do not want to come back home. I want to stay here and do what it takes to make it the 2 years. I feel that I COULD possibly make it for 4 months in Mpungu to ‘test’ it. There is a part of me that wants to challenge myself with that task. All that said, I’m still scared to death about the isolation part of it all. My logic for NOT being there is that if I am miserable for 4 months and tell them at ‘re-connect’ that I want to be transferred, than I’ve wasted 4 months of my 2 years and have to start ALL over establishing relationships and integrating again. It just seems stupid. In the time I’ve spent in Grootfontein I’ve had tons of ideas of projects I want to start and get involved with. There is so much life and options for things to get going. In Mpungu, there is literally NOTHING and the resources are JUST NOT THERE. So 1. Having to pull (literally pull) ideas out of my ass and 2. Not having the resources (internet/telephone) in order to accomplish projects - I just feel like my hands are tied. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed, so we’ll see what happens.

Friday, Dec. 14 - Saturday, Dec. 15:
Friday we had language and went over stuff that we’d be quizzed on during our oral exam on Sunday morning. The remainder of the day was spent preparing for our workshop next week. I’ve decided to take on the immune system information and how AIDS is transmitted. So between now and Wednesday I need to come up with a 2-hour program that will inform and keep the participants interested. Crystal asked if I’d pick up some supplies while in town, so I handled that as well.
Around 5, Sarah and I headed over to Little America where Sky was house sitting. About 15 of us, including some of Nam26 who were on their way to Vic Falls hung out and watched movies. It was great to unwind from the week and spend time together outside of training. Most of us crashed there because she had room. This morning, Justin made everyone French toast and scrambled eggs.
Where the hell am I?

I came back home to study and do laundry around noon. The day was long and sort of un productive because I couldn’t get into preparing for my exam and the boys were constantly after me to play. I did manage to study a bit, get my laundry washed and dried and do some grocery shopping as well.
Today I’ve been very home sick and it’s been a struggle to remain focused. That has also added to my concern about my site. I actually feel that I am up for the challenge it will provide me, I still just have a lot of fear around it. As I settle into being here and knowing how much I want this, I am starting to feel like I could make it in Mpungu. I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed.

Sunday, Dec. 16 - Monday, Dec. 17:
I have a serious headache today, so I will probably not be typing much because staring at the computer screen is hurting my eyes.
Yesterday I didn’t do much of anything. I had an oral language test in the morning which went fine. A few of us had decided to make dinner for our families - those of us who were close together in the location. We chose to make spaghetti and meat balls with a nice sauce made from fresh tomatoes and mushrooms. Sarah and I were in charge of the garlic bread. What I’ve discovered from this little experience is that ’cultural appreciation and acceptance’ is NOT a 2 way street! We were instructed by Peace Corp that it is very rude to turn down food that is offered to us - EVEN if we are vegetarian. We presented our families with the food and the majority of them took a bite and then slid the plate away. We had made SO much and had SO much brought back to us (wasted) that it really pissed me off. I mean, how can you turn away food - especially GOOD food - when all you eat otherwise is porridge and a chicken leg? Yes, I’m bitter. The day ended with an impromptu dance party among the younger ones. Crystal’s host daughter (who is barely 12), was literally writhing all over the floor as if she were in a rap video. Can you say teenage pregnancy???
Getting jiggy with it.

Today we had the first part of our program and it went fine. I have to give Thea and Lily credit for how smoothly it went over. I am feeling anxious about Wednesday, which is the time I’ll be facilitating. I just don’t do well with public speaking. Acting is one thing. Running a program is a different story. I tried to start getting organized about what I am going to do, but this headache and nausea keeps me from being fully present. I have to say, being sick in another country SUCKS ASS. There are no comforts of home, hell, I can’t even put an ice pack on my head to make it feel better. I can’t even park myself on the couch for some bad TV. And aspirin or Tylenol, forget it. Can’t find it here. I’ve been sick more in the past 6 weeks, than I have in the entire year. Damn, 6 weeks. It seems like an eternity. I can’t imagine how the next 2 years are going to feel.

Tuesday, Dec. 18:
Today’s workshop went well, though I wasn’t feeling completely up to par in the beginning. I actually began to worry that I might have food poisoning. I hate food poisoning. We discussed alcohol abuse today and it lead into some discussions about safe/unsafe sex practices. I am handling HIV/STD’s with Sarah tomorrow, so it was a good way of ‘feeling out’ where the participants - especially the younger ones, were at with sex. Come to find out, because of traditions and culture, most parents don’t talk to their children about it and they end up having to figure out things on their own. Usually when it’s too late. With that in mind, I cleared it with our health director to include an hour or 2 tomorrow talking frankly about sex. It’s time for a sexual revolution to hit Namibia!!!
At the end of the day, I worked on my presentation for tomorrow with Sarah, Crystal and Wendy and then came home to ‘tune’ it up a bit on my own. There is nothing like a dress rehearsal the night before a performance. I’m more comfortable than I was a day or two ago but it’s still not my forte. I’m feeling much better physically as well, so I should be at 100% tomorrow. Have I mentioned my ass is getting flabby from not working out??? Just thought I’d throw in that useless bit of information.

Wednesday, Dec. 19:
Today was a hit! Facilitating the workshop with Sarah went off without a hitch. Every day there has been a concern about running out of things to do but today we actually ran OUT OF TIME. We had a lot packed into our program and it flowed very smoothly. I began the day with an overview of the agenda, followed by an answering of questions from the Q-box, and than gave an informative lecture on the immune system and how HIV is transmitted. I GAVE A LECTURE!!! What is up with that? After the immune system, we broke into two smaller groups - Sarah and I taking on the youth while Robin and Wendy handled the older folks. Talking about HIV lead into a discussion about STIs (sexually transmitted infections) which Sarah headed up.
Can you say ‘Chancroid?

We had a tea break and then Sarah talked about Stigma and Stereotypes. She and I then divided the youth into boys vs. girls for our version of ‘Jeopardy’ - which we had created the day before with questions based on our topics. The prize for the winning team was ice cream so needless to say, both teams fought hard. With the girls in the lead by 2000 points after 10 minutes, it looked as if the guys weren’t going to score anything, but a fatally wrong answer cost the girls the 1000 point question on HIV and the guys took over. In the end, the guys one with 9300 points to the girls 7800. Everyone got ice cream though J
The experience was good cause it showed me that if I decide to lead a workshop of any sort, I can do it. Sarah and I also decided that since we are so close to one another and worked so well together today, that we will probably design our workshops together so we can both facilitate. That makes me feel that much more comfortable with it AND with the idea of living in Mpungu. I think, though I may have mentioned it already, that I am up for the challenge of living in such a rural environment. It will be hard and I will be stretched AND will have some really bad days….but I think I will eventually adjust. I’m starting to look at the next two years as an opportunity to do, study, read things I’ve never made time for - i.e. Read the bible from cover to cover, read the entire encyclopedia Britannica, learn to play the guitar, refresh my Spanish, learn sign language, start running, perfect my yoga….all that said, I miss home. I miss Mark.

Thursday, Dec. 20 - Friday, Dec. 21:
The final day of the workshop went okay. I felt as though the facilitators for that day weren’t as prepared as they could have been and there was a lot of ‘winging it’ going on. Some people started asking questions about condom usage again and I had finally HAD IT. I stood up and said listen, it’s as simple as this - USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME. I don’t care how much you trust the person, love the person, etc. etc. etc. USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME. Well, for the rest of the day, the youth kept on chanting that phrase. I think I started a riot, lol.
We had planned on having a separate meeting for parents from 2-4, but only 2 showed up, so we sent them home and headed out ourselves. I went home with the intention of taking a nap, but got sidetracked with the boys. A few of us decided to go to Sky’s place and watch a movie and hang out (intention to stay the night). The next day we were going to Lake Oshikweto.
Got up today and did some Rukwangali homework while flipping the channels, then walked into town with Thea. We all met at the shell to head to the ‘lake’.
It turned out to be some sort of underground lake where the roof had collapsed. I have pictures. It was nice, but you couldn’t swim…just sit around on the edge. It was nice to get together with the group from Tsumeb and hang out without it being a training session. There also had a few animals in cages - crocodiles, ostriches, peacocks, guinea pigs, warthogs - all sort of uneventful. We hung out most of the afternoon and then were planning on going to the meteorite. It started to rain and we were all tired, so we skipped it and headed back to Groot.
Contemplative…

When we returned, we were told that Linda (she’s not quite the director, but I always forget her actual position) wanted to meet us in the park. She arrives and begins by saying that she is very sad that she has to present this particular information to us. They way she was confronting us, we thought maybe someone had died in the group. She then tells us that when the 12 of us stayed with Sky that one night the week before, that we were violating PC policy and that we were being ‘written up’, the warning was going into our file, AND our swearing in would be provisionary - meaning, it may or may not happen based on what PC headquarters decides to do. Okay, first, this is all such bullshit. Second, I can’t believe I’ve already caused such a raucous and I’m only on week 7. Third, this is all such bullshit.
She kept claiming that we all signed an agreement with all the policies clearly explained. Obviously this is not the case. None of us were trying to be deceitful and go behind anyone’s backs. We clearly stated to our host families that we would be spending the night away and we even informed our language trainers. It just didn’t make any sense. She said that she would be returning the next day and we had to sign a form acknowledging guilt and so on and so forth. I was furious. I mean, another one of the policies is that you aren’t supposed to drink during PST but I’m about the ONLY person who hasn’t. Are all those people getting written up as well? I asked what would happen if we refused to sign and she said we’d be sent home. There was a brief flash in my head of ‘this is my way out’, lol, but that quickly faded. The desire to be here is stronger than ever and with what I’ve learned about myself thus far, I am very excited about the growth to come.
We all left the part with a bad taste in our mouths. Sarah and I were actually headed to Sky’s place because I had left my water bottle there this morning and she needed to return an umbrella. We bitched and moaned on the way there and home. Some people had brought up the fact that they had decided once they were there, that it was unsafe for them to travel home because it was so dark. We found out once we got home that Linda had started calling host families to see if this information was correct. They are also confronting a few PCVs about the supplementary money for host family groceries. They actually thing some of us would spend that money on something for ourselves. I’m seeing a side to this organization that isn’t pretty. I mean, I can understand that it probably is an immense job to keep it all running smoothly, but come on.
Anyways, I actually just received a text message from Linda stating that she will NOT be coming tomorrow and that Hannah will be addressing the issue when we return to Okahandja on the 31st. I had a feeling they would probably let this go. So much for my first shot at rebellion.

Saturday, Dec. 22:
It’s very difficult for me to comprehend that it’s 3 days till Christmas. Everyone who knows me well, KNOWS how much I LOVE this time of the year. The lights, the chill in the air, the mood everyone is in…I LOVE IT. I’m completely missing out on it this time. You see a few decorations here and there in the town and every now and again a fake tree in someone’s house. But no lights in the windows, no songs playing on the radio, nothing. It’s making me very sad actually - intensifying the home sickness that I feel gets a little better each day. I miss hand making gifts as well. Coming up with creative ideas and watching as people open their presents. I have got to find some way to be creative while at my site. I’m going to have to order a bunch of ‘how to’ books from Amazon.com. I figure I’ll learn to batik, maybe carve wood, garden, make jams/jellies, can food and what the hell, origami.
Today was another one of those where I find myself thinking I’m going to go crazy from boredom at my site. I mean, if I can’t find anything to do and I’m in a town currently and staying with a family, what the hell am I going to do when alone? It brings up an interesting point that I thought about back in the states. What are we meant to do with our ‘time’ in general?? I mean, most people work 9-5 and come home to families and then chill for a bit before bed. The weekends spent accomplishing things they couldn’t throughout the week and then a few times a year, taking a vacation. Is it just me or have we forgotten how to just ‘be’. I KNOW I have and it doesn’t help that I’m hyperactive. The hardest thing about the next 2 years for me is just learning how to do nothing. As you can see above, I am already trying to find ways to fill the void. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with learning some new things while I am here. But I want to learn to just be with myself and have that be enough. Problem is…that THAT is scary as hell. I do wonder though if it’s just me and that maybe I should be put on Prozac. Maybe I can make all the little voices go away.

Sunday, Dec. 23:
Skipped church this morning to watch ‘Pet Cemetery’ on the tele. Studied some language, trying to translate a couple of paragraphs from a book my mom sent me. Sara showed up and wanted to walk to town - I was happy for the distraction. We met up with Justin, Crystal, Ashley and Stefanie and walked in together - bitching about the current status of ‘shit’ that is going on with the PC vs. us. I can’t believe they are accusing Crystal and Stefani of inappropriate relations with Namibian men. It’s so absurd. They are both very friendly and outgoing individuals and have probably integrated MORE into Namibian culture and society than any of the rest of us. It’s SO wrong for the PC to accuse them of anything like this.
In town, we got some soft serve ice cream (strawberry) and bought some Tengo (cell phone air time) and then headed back to the location to watch a movie at Anna Marie’s. It was SO very hot today and usually that’s a sign that the rain is coming. Well, it DID! This is the biggest rain storm we’ve experienced so far and I love it. It cooled the weather WAY down and of course now everything will be so green! The power went out right before the storm with only about 10 minutes left of the movie, so I headed home. The boys were eager to play in the wind and rain.
I retreated to my room to nap a bit and study some more language. I was then blessed with a phone call from Mark. It made my WHOLE holiday!!! We talked forever it seemed, caught up, shared feelings and expressions of ‘missing you’. In the short time I’ve been here, I’ve learned a lot about myself and especially how I behaved in my relationship with him. I’ve realized that I never gave 100% and was always looking more for what was wrong with us, than relishing in what was right. Who knows where the next 2 years will take either of us, but I know without a doubt that he is someone that will be in my life forever.

Monday, Dec. 24 - Tuesday, Dec. 25:
Now I understand the true meaning of sacrifice in regards to the Peace Corps experience. This has been the most uneventful holiday I’ve EVER experienced. No lights, no music, no TREE! I kept waiting for my family to do SOMETHING representative of the festive season, but nothing ever came.
Some PCVs chose to purchase gifts for their family - I chose not to. I was basing my decision on whether or not they themselves were going to exchange any. If they had, I would have JUMPED at the chance to do something Christmassy. Since they didn’t, I felt weird buying things and being the ‘rich white material American’. I especially didn’t want to purchase a lot of things for the boys and wonder if their father was sitting there feeling badly because he couldn’t get anything for his family himself.
I did make brunch for the family today. I introduced them to French toast. I know, I know…how every American of me. I also made home fries and a scramble with onions and green peppers. Trying to get any kind of reaction out of them is usually tough, but they did clean their plates. I had planned on making roasted butternut squash for dinner later today, but realized there was NOTHING to bake anything in or on. So instead, I warmed up an apple pie and was going to treat them to a bit of America - pie a la mode. I discovered that the ice cream in the fridge was strictly for selling though, and so they just had the pie. Again, they ‘seemed’ to enjoy it. Basically Namibians will eat anything with sugar in it. I love them for that.
Curly, Larry and Mo.

I was able to talk to mom/dad and Shell today so it wasn’t a total bust. Mom is having such a hard time with me being here, that I worry she is going to make herself really sick. I could hear in dad’s voice that he was down about me not being around for the holidays as well. Maybe next year I can scrounge up the funds to make it back for a few weeks. We’ll see. Shelly was actually on her way home (about 20 minutes out) when she called. Mom obviously had no clue, so hopefully it turned into a nice surprise. I haven’t received much mail since being here and have been waiting for Shelly’s package to arrive (containing my toothbrush charger). She told me she had included a small decorated Christmas tree in the package which actually choked me up a bit. It would have been great to have it for today, but I’ll just postpone my holiday until tomorrow. It is very true what they say, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. I miss my family so much.

Wednesday, Dec. 26:
Yet another day of language and a rather boring lecture on nutrition. We then got a mail delivery!!!! I received 4 packages - more than anyone else. Can you say JEALOUSY??? It’s never been so exciting to receive mail. I got 2 packages from Mark - gum, deodorant, Alicia Keys new CD and Oliver Twist on DVD - YEAH!!! I also got a package from Rick and one from Doug - clients of mine from Cincinnati. The foot/hand cream by Aveda is a definite treat - Doug KNOWS how much I love their stuff. Rick certainly took into consideration some of the practical problems of my situation, lol. I got heel repair cream for my cracked feet, moisturizer for my nose, ear plugs, barbeque sauce for my goat head, SPF for my face and trail mix!!! Thought yesterday was sort of a bust, I feel today is my true Christmas!! I’m now watching Amelie on DVD and heading to bed.

Thursday, Dec. 27 - Saturday, Dec. 28:
Thursday was our community project day. We originally were going to clean up a local park in the location. For some reason, people opted for having an ‘activities’ day with the youth. We organized the use of a local stadium that contains a net ball court (no, net ball is not volleyball as I thought), a basketball court, and a soccer field. We did spend a certain amount of time cleaning all the broken beer bottle glass from the paved courts and then as youth showed up, we played games and played some ball. All in all it was a success, I just would have preferred to do something that would have made more of a visible impact on the community. I guess keeping a handful of young people from being bored and having unsafe sex is making an impact.
Friday, we had language (which is still so damned frustrating because there is no grammar) and spent a small amount of time talking about the host family appreciation braai for the next day. Braai is Afrikaans for barbeque. Sarah and I went into town to print some pictures, hit the internet café and hang out at the coffee shop and study. I ran into Atman, the guy with the pool and he invited us over for swimming later that day. I tried to organize a group of people to do that, but it fell through. Some people met at the Meteorite later that night for pizza. I passed - trying to save my money and learn how to budget. Walked the computer over to Sarah because she wanted to work on the script for a skit that she, Obie and Emily are doing back in Okahandja for ‘Talent Night’. There are very bad (and I stress, VERY bad) Spanish soap operas that are big here - ‘The Gardener’s Daughter’ and ‘Second Chances’. The acting is atrocious and they are entertaining to watch just for how bad they are. We’ve decided to do scenes from one or the other with Emily and I being the actors and Obie and Sarah being behind the curtains narrating the story. It should be pretty hilarious.
Today was the braai and I spent the majority of the morning hanging out with the boys. I also cooked French toast again AND cooked cinnamon apples. They’ll eat anything with sugar.
Headed over to the stadium around 1:30 to prep for the shindig. Most of the stuff had already been prepared by other volunteers and a few of the trainers. We just needed to get the ‘pit’ from Mr. Matengo’s house and collect the goat, chicken, and sausages from Magreth’s. People were going to start arriving around 4. Once the music started playing, we began to draw a crowd, so I was put in charge of ‘bouncing’, lol. Remember, the locals are afraid of me cause I am big and have this massive tattoo. Many people approached the gates, wanting in, wanting to know what was going on. I had a guy (who was drunk) demand to be let in because he was a Christian and NOT a Judas (his words). I also had a guy show up stating to be a friend of one of the family’s inside. That was fine, but he was ‘packin’. So I made him wait outside while I brought the family member to him.
Once most had arrived, I shut the gate and headed over to get some grub myself. I wasn’t gone 10 minutes before the children began to sneak in. They were literally climbing a 10 foot high fence to get in. I tried to ‘shoo’ them away, but to no avail. It’s kind of a thin line or double standard - I’m not sure which English word fits. Here you have the Peace Corp volunteers trying to integrate into a society and culture in order to achieve positive change and we’re throwing a party to thank our host families. Then you have all these VERY poor children ‘invading’ our space and expecting to eat our food. You have the Namibians who are there telling the children to leave and we at the same time, know what we have is limited to the number we planned on. And yet, we are PC, right? So shouldn’t we be trying to help as many as possible. It was just weird and a little uncomfortable. Guess you had to be there to fully get the impact but I found myself being protective of the food we had prepared and at the same time feeling guilty for it. How do you turn down a hungry child? And yet the families that were in attendance were completely okay with doing just that. I don’t know whether it’s the reality of the situation or if just everyone is selfish - AND if the selfishness is justified on some level because everyone has to work so hard just to take care of themselves and their own. It’s been hard enough to learn to turn down beggars (mostly children continually asking for a dollar) let alone, eating all this really healthy food in front of a group of children who obviously haven’t eaten that well in quite some time. It’s also something I noticed within my own host family. The parents take the good/larger portions of meat, while the younger boys get whatever is left over. Part of that could do with the fact that the parents are older/bigger and need it more. But I can’t help but wonder if it falls under that selfish thing again. Only time will tell I suppose.
My ever exciting host family.
Language trainers are tasty!

The bonus of the day was getting to talk to Shell and mom again. Shell had some remaining time on one of her phone cards. It’s difficult to tell in mom’s voice, but after 2 months, it sounds like she might becoming accustomed to the idea of me being over here. I know it’s hard. Hard on everyone back home and well, of course, hard on me being over here. The past 2 months have actually flown by for me, so I have a feeling the next 2 years will as well.

Sunday, Dec. 30 - Monday, Dec. 31:
We got up early in order to load the combi and get on the road by 8:30 so as to be back in Okahandja around 1:30 at the latest. Well, we ended up waiting around with our luggage until around 10 before taking off. Oh, did I mention that when I was saying goodbye to my host family, there was NO emotion. The mother barely hugged me and the father didn’t even get out of the car to help me unload my stuff from the trunk when dropping me off. I shook his hand and he drove off. It sort of sums up my entire relationship with them for the past month. I was actually looking forward to developing close ties, but that did not happen.
Half way back we stopped in Oshiwarongo to grab some lunch, a cool drink and meet up with a bunch of education people. It was so good to see some familiar faces AND to shop for food in the Super Spar. Spar is the main grocer here and a Super Spar is a little taste of heaven - you feel as though you’ve stepped inside a Kroger’s from back home. I was able to get a pound of curried macaroni salad and some fruit salad (which actually contained kiwi!).
Arriving back in OK around 3 was like a family reunion. Swapping stories from CBT and catching up with Coleen, Jefe, Rashid, Rachel, Tina, etc. was especially nice. I unpacked and then a small group was grabbing some wine or beer and heading to the riverbed. I tagged along and caught up with more people. The night sky again, was crystal clear and amazing.
Today we had our ‘meeting’ with Hannah to discuss our possible ‘provisional’ swearing in based on our staying away from homesite that one night in Grootfontein. She was actually cool about the whole thing and understood our point of view while still getting Peace Corp’s across to us. We will NOT be provisionally sworn in and do not have to sign anything. Seth, on the other hand, has to. He was reprimanded for supposed drinking. Well, between you and I the drinking is certainly NOT ‘supposed’. So now he’s pissed off because of the way they approached him and is debating whether or not to just ET next Friday when they want him to sign the paperwork. I hope he calms down enough to just sign and continue with his PC service but at the same time I truly believe he needs help in that regards and maybe this isn’t the best time of his life to be doing this. Who am I to judge I’ve been a complete WUSS about living by myself in the middle of nowhere, lol.
With tonight being New Year’s Eve (hard to believe I’ve been here 2 months), I will probably be up a little later than usual, so not have time to journal. People have slowly been collecting ‘party favors’ for later tonight. Once again we are going to the riverbed - this time probably we’ll have a fire and ring in the new year that way. I’m hoping to call Mark at exactly midnight and say hello - I can’t think of a better way to bring in 2008 than to hear his voice.
Happy New Year!