Saturday, November 1 - Sunday, November 2:
Saturday was mainly spent recuperating…and I do mean recuperating. We had pancakes, ran some errands in town and then went to the Bavaria to go swimming. Swimming. In this heat…it was fantastic. Back at Mag’s Sarah and I made burgers, we watched some SNL skits about Sarah Padin (or Palin?) and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up long enough to transfer my body from there to Sarah’s tent outside.
Sunday, after sleeping in a bit, we all headed to the PC office and then some of us went grocery shopping while the other west Kavango-ites figured out how to get us home. Lindsey and Sarah roped us a bakki but that put us three guys in the back and I was already sunburned from the day before. So I lathered on the sunscreen and bundled up best I could so as not to have blisters by the time I arrived home. The trip was long and rough but we made it in one piece. Sarah and I spent the afternoon watching Weeds Season 4 while I waited for Efraim to pick me up for my final leg.
Around 5 he showed up and as I began carrying my crap to the car, I notice there is one of the cleaning ladies from the clinic with him. No big deal, just means I am riding in the back…no problem. Then, I notice the corpse in the back. Yes. Corpse. Dead person. Dead person wrapped in a sheet. Now…I don’t mention this to gross anyone out or because I freaked out in any way. The funny thing about this, was that it didn’t phase me at all. I mean, I just started putting my groceries in the back, in the spaces between the dead person and the sides of the truck. It didn’t even PHASE me. I was all set to climb in the back WITH the corpse and ride my hour home. It really stunned me that this was not bothering me on any level. Well, the only level it was affecting me on was I felt like I was being dis-respectful putting my feta cheese next to the foot of this dead person, lol. It ended up that I was cramming in front with the others, but…just the same…I was all set to ride in the back.
Monday, November 3 - Wednesday, November 5:
The last three days have been wonderfully busy. Monday we had our meeting and then in the afternoon, I got things ready for the next 2 days of garden training. Tuesday we had the first half of the training. I had told them that they were not getting lunch but that I would supply food for tea break. Now..if I haven’t stressed this yet…tea break tends to be a big deal in Namibia and what’s funny about it is that people who don’t even have food to eat, still take tea break.
I did not have the money or resources to make some big to do over it, so I bought bread and jam and jam and refridgerated some water. I figured sandwiches and ice cold ‘mema’ would be sufficient. Not 5 minutes after I handed out the food, one of the women complained about ‘not being satisfied’. I was SO irritated. I know I probably shouldn’t be, but it just hit me wrong. I kept my feelings to myself and apologized to her that that was all I had. Ironically, she is a member of UMYA and one of the people who complained about the food THEY had during THEIR training. I guess it’s just hard for me to understand how someone who doesn’t get to eat 3 times a day would complain about ANY food they receive. Is it just me or does that not make sense?
Tuesday afternoon I had my OVCs and we had a blast. I introduced some HIV education and they seemed to grasp it though I was worried they were a tad young. Although, Reino is 5 and when I asked about sex he knew that that’s what people did to get pregnant, lol.
Today we prepared seed beds in the garden and I was thankful it wasn’t that hot and there was a breeze. We didn’t plant as much as I thought we were going to and I am hoping that they go enough out of the training to keep going forward. I certainly don’t know anything about gardening. Tea break rolled around again and still…another issue. A lady showed up today just before we broke - she had not attended the training the day before. When I was passing out the sandwiches, she stepped up to receive one. I explained to her that she was not getting one because she has not been working in the garden today. It only made sense to me AND I was completely out of bread. She gave me the dirtiest look and walked away. One of the other ladies gave her half of hers. When we went back to plant and finish the day, she walked off. I guess she was stilled tee’d about the bread. Here’s my deal though…there tends to be an attitude in this culture of getting something for nothing. People don’t volunteer here unless they are getting paid for it. People don’t attend workshops unless they are being fed or get a t-shirt or certificate. No one - or MOST people - don’t do anything just to benefit themselves from the experience itself. So I really DIDN’T want to give this woman a sandwich just because she showed up at the time we were handing them out. That may make me a total asshole in some people’s minds but as far as the group of people I’m working with…I want them to learn responsibility. If you show up for meetings, if you help with events, if you do your share in the garden…you will be rewarded. However…you will NOT be rewarded just for being there. You must do the work. I’m sure I will hear more about this as the week progresses and have to deal with it, but I am standing my ground.
Thursday November 6 - Saturday, November 8 (around noon):
I thought I would journal early today because in the afternoon Sarah, Lindsey, Stephanie and Christine arrive for an AIDS Club event at the school so I’m sure I will busy until night. I had planned on taking it easy on Thursday but ended up filling the day with stuff that now I can’t remember. I worked in my garden a bit because the rain storm from the other night has wiped out a few of my beds. I have to admit, I should have done a more organized job in planting. I planted not marking rows or beds thinking it would just be a fun surprise to see what grows where after I forget what I put where. Lol - NOT a good idea. Big problem - you don’t know what’s a weed and what’s a vegetable. Some things are doing well - butternut squash, zucchini, peppers, but the rosemary hasn’t started at all and NONE of my tomatoes are going. I wonder if it’s because the seeds are from the states? I do have one decent tomato plant growing on my back porch that I decided to transplant in the ground because it was starting to droop. I pray it survives because it actually has small maters growing on it.
Friday I put up shelves in one of the treatment rooms to help the nurses stay more organized and then I worked in the pharmacy until lunch A guy stopped by who had been a part of a project idea earlier in the year that had fizzled out. He wondered what was going on with it. I was like…nothing. The guy that was doing it with him never got all the information back to me and then joined the military. He also wanted to talk about some problems at his school - he’s a teacher. It was nice to actually counsel someone. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and watching some Sopranos. In the evening I took my computer to Alex and Vicky’s house to watch a movie. They decided to see a scary one and it was hysterical watching ’30 Days of Night’ with them. It was more difficult to explain how there are places on the planet that experience that long of a night than it was to explain that vampires do not exist.
This morning I had breakfast, watered my garden and finished cleaning. At around 9:30, while I was playing a game on my computer, two girls showed up at my door with 2 marmosets (spelling?). There are small, monkeylike animals that live in trees. They brought them to give to me to raise as pets. I mean, come on…what am I supposed to do with these things? If they had brought me an actual monkey, I may consider keeping it, lol. But these things are so small and so fragile that there is no way.
Sunday, November 9 - Sunday, November 16:
This is the longest I’ve gone without journaling at least somewhat daily and there is no way my memory is going to allow me to relay every event of the past 7 days. Just know that it’s been an insecurity testing week, lol. Before I get to that, lets get through the usual stuff. Very few people showed up in the meeting on Monday to work in the garden and plan the next event, so we postponed the event and because the tools were locked in Fanuel’s office, we couldn’t work in the garden. My OVC group was fun and we watched a movie about the Serengeti. I released Mike and Ike back into the wild because after 5 days they still had not eaten - or had appeared not to have eaten - and it made me nervous. Because Lyambezi, Fanuel and Gideon were all gone this week there was literally nothing for me to do (one of them usually works as my translator) so I had planned on heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday. I woke up that day nauseous and headachy so I stayed in bed most of the day. I did get up Thursday and after waiting 3 ½ hour for a hike at the point, found myself at Sarah’s place.
The rest of the weekend was fun, partying with SnL and the rest of the west side 26ers - they leave for the states in 2 weeks. Watching them prepare to leave made me a little jealous and at the same time, I was aware of how fast my time is going here. I honestly cannot believe it’s been a year and that less than 6 months ago I was freaked out about loneliness and wanted to come home.
Now…about me being tested. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m a ‘comparer’. Well, this entire past year I’ve been jealous of Sarah because she had Scot and Lindsey to hang with as she adapted to her life in Nkurenkuru. Though Christine and Alex were here, we did not and still have not developed the sort of bond where I would consider either of them friends. That has done 2 things: 1. Caused me to feel more lonely than I necessarily needed to feel and 2. Forced me to be on my own and integrate more - which, yes, is a positive. See, we have also found out that another married couple is replacing SnL so now Sarah has 2 new people to hang with - though, to her credit, she is very integrated into her community. I was told that Mpungu was getting 1 teacher to replace Alex and I got very excited. I though, hopefully, finally, I will have someone to hang out with. Play cards with at night or on the weekends. Just a familiar person to chill with. I have since found out there is not going to be a new PCV out here.
I think this entire past year I kept telling myself that at least when the new group comes along, there will be someone here. Now that’s not the case. On top of that, my only ‘real’ friend outside of Sarah, has been Jeff - who is stationed in the Caprivi. He went home this week because of medical stuff. He’s not coming back. So all of that made me realize how much I’ve relied on Sarah to ‘be there for me’ - though, yes, I have been there for myself most of the time. You still need someone, some kind of support through this experience. In watching Sarah and them interact this past weekend, I realized again how jealous I was of her friendships but then I want to this stupid place where I started doubting her liking me as a friend. I started comparing myself to Scot, to Lindsey and they fun they all seem to have together. I forget there is a 15 year age difference between myself and all of them so hanging out and drinking all the time is not enjoyable to me. Of course I’m not going to bond on the same levels and why should I expect to. But I do expect to. My insecurities make me feel like a burden to Sarah. Now…I realize that she in NO way feels that way about me and enjoys my friendship with her as much as she does with me…but that little devil pokes his head up (and has all weekend).
Yes…I just need to get over it and realize I’m a great guy and people enjoy hanging out with me and being friends with me and all that hallmark shit…but years of being friendless in school make that a difficult thing to accept.
I joined Peace Corps because I wanted to be tested and I wanted to grow. I came with these pre-conceived ideas of how exactly that would take place. I thought I would grow because I have to cook all my meals or hike to get anywhere or master another language or deal with the heat and new culture, etc. What has surfaced is that all that growth I wanted to take place IS taking place, but in ways that are much more difficult than the physical challenges I’m facing in being here.
Monday, November 17 - Thursday, November 20 (morning):
Okay, I could sit here and type and relate the past few days events but instead, I just need to bitch. I need to whine and bitch and moan and play the victim and be a little baby. I have finally had it with my pathetic fellow volunteers in Mpungu and I wish to GOD I had just been put here alone - it would have been easier.
I’ve griped about Christine and Alex before - being non-inviting and warm and not doing anything to make me feel welcome here. Well yesterday, I had to walk to the school to print something out at Dinah and Johns (who I”ll talk about in a minute). When I was headed back to my house there was a learner at the door of their house and Alex was there, so I naturally said ‘hey Alex’. Nothing. No acknowledgement. No ‘hey’ back. NOTHING. I then stepped into the inspector’s office to ask about a fax and when I came out (directly across from their front door), Christine was standing there speaking with a learner - I kept waiting for her to look up (she had to have seen me), I waved, said hello, again, NOTHING. Now granted, she was talking to someone, but hell, so fucking what! Wouldn’t a normal person at least wave back or smile or something? Well I got nothing from neither of them and that’s exactly what I’ve gotten since I arrived. Nothing. It just seems strange to me. If the situation were reversed I would have gone out of my way to make them feel welcome and comforted.
So then there’s Dinah and John. Now, I should say that John is a great guy and always has a smile on his face - so I’m speaking more about Dinah. Yesterday, when I went to make the print, I took her some sour apple Jolly Ranchers cause I knew she liked them and she was appreciative. Once again though, when we were speaking about them going to Rundu the next day, she kept saying, ‘sorry we’re full’. ‘sorry’. That’s all I’ve heard from her since I’ve met them. There have only been a few times I’ve asked for a ride and they are always ‘full’. Now…this is just me being a little baby, I know…but I guess I just hoped that after meeting and getting to know me that they would extend the same kindness to me as they have with Christine and Alex. Those 2 ALWAYS have a ride. ALWAYS. Why? Because Dinah and John offer them the ride FIRST. Then, if they aren’t going or there is room left over, they offer the space to learners. Never ONCE have they called me or mentioned ahead of time that they are going to Rundu and would I like or need a ride. Okay..once they did mention they were going to Nkurenkuru and I snagged a ride to do some grocery shopping. Is it just me or wouldn’t you just automatically offer the ride to the other volunteer - knowing they have to hike and pay so much to get to the town? Wouldn’t it just come naturally? It would to me. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense - either that, or I am just a crying baby who never gets his way. I can’t decide which is worse.
So yesterday, I asked if they could take a document that I needed faxing to Rundu with them. I had received a VAST document from PC to sign and fax back but NONE of the few faxes available in Mpungu were sending outgoing faxes. So..no biggie right? Simple. Send a fax. So Dinah says, we are leaving at nine, why don’t you meet us out by the road and hand it to us. What’s shitty about this, is that the road is a good 10 minute walk from my flat and yet it’s only a 45 second drive from the main road. In the past, I have always met them out by the road (not wanting to inconvenience them) when I have a favor for them to do. Well, in that moment, I was just pissed off. Why would make someone work that extra hard to accomplish something when everything is so hard here anyways AND it’s NOTHING for you to make it easier. I suggested that she text me when they were leaving and I would meet them in front of the clinic.
Last night, the network went down and this morning it was off as well. Now…I know I could have been pro-active and walked out to the road but I had just had it! I went about my morning routine and shortly after 9, Dinah, looking all haggard showed up at my door. I said good-morning and thanks for coming - that because of the network I was worried we would miss one another. Her only response to me was ‘then why didn’t you meet us at the road. I’ll fax this for you’. No hello. No, it’s no problem. NOTHING. I’m just so fucking tired of being treated this way by people who you would expect to be a little more on the compassionate side. So where’s the lesson for me? What am I to learn from being stuck this past year with 3 of the most miserable volunteers one could imagine? Or am I being punished for something in a former life? What the hell.
I know where Dinah is concerned that she is just British and that is the part of her that I have issues with. I realize with Alex that he is insecure and not very social inept. I know with Christine that she is also not very secure and has a lot of doubts about what she has done in the Peace Corps and what she is going to do in the future. But seriously, we all are dealing with our shit all the time but is that a reason to behave in such a manner?
I SO want to just write off Dinah and John and not really have anything to do with them unless I have to. Problem is, I sort of rely on them to print things from time to time or to laminate stuff. So what do I do? Do I limit my contact with them to strictly work related stuff when necessary? Or do I put on a fake smile, continue to have Thursday dinners with them after Christine and Alex leave? Peace Corps is hard enough - why do people have to make it that much more difficult.
On top of all of that shit, I’ve had some cranial nerve pain shooting through the left side of my head for the past 5 days and because of no network, I cannot contact the PCMO. If it continues another day or so I’m going to have to see a doctor. I’ve never felt anything like this and am sort of concerned it might be something more serious.
Thursday, November 20 - Saturday, November 22:
The rest of Thursday was uneventful and I didn’t spend any time figuring out what my 1 hour presentation on Saturday was going to be. Friday came and went with me working in the pharmacy a bit in the morning and then chillin’ the rest of the day. I kept telling myself to prepare something for the next day but everytime I sat down to do so, I felt blocked and well, fairly un-inspired. I went to bed with the belief that the HIV awareness event was going to be a failure and that I would freeze up when speaking to the men’s group. I was proven wrong on both accounts.
First - have I mentioned that the network has been out since Monday? Yep. I cannot text, call or check email - haven’t been able to for 5 days now. I’m sure that has added to the mood I’m in. At the same time, after 5 days without it…it’s not really that big a deal.
So, I woke this morning, had breakfast, watered my garden and before I knew it, Fanuel showed up to help set up. We hauled all the stuff from my place, moved a table and started hanging signs. Slowly, some others of the group showed up. Before I knew it, we had a crowd at 9 and people were amped to play the condom box game. Esther didn’t show up so I decided to run it temporarily - which turned into me running it the entire day. It was a HUGE success. The whole day went off great. I kept trying not to go to that place of ‘where is everyone that is supposed to be here’ and instead, just focused on how the day was going. We even fit in a condom demonstration and femdon demo. By noon, we had raised 185 bucks which will make our next event that much greater!
We did have one snag that I still stuck in my craw. The one nurse, of the head nurses that is, that was on staff - refused to draw blood. I was livid. I went to speak to her and sure, I could have probably handled it more democratically, but here’s the scoop. It takes SO much effort to organize these events and even MORE so to get people to willingly be HIV tested. For her to turn them away because she claimed to be ‘too busy’ or ‘tired’ sends the WRONG message to the community. The WORST message to the community. I was FURIOUS!! I told her I was going to report her to the Ministry of Health! I am going to have to have a long talk with my supervisor when he returns. I don’t care if she likes me or not after this or if any of the nurses take it personally but you CANNOT refuse to take someone’s blood when they have finally decided to get HIV tested in a country where the stigma is so big! You just can’t.
Other than that, the day was a success and everyone during lunch talked about how much fun they had. I’m really hoping they get into these events because they can run them on their own AND it does wonders in reducing stigma.
I then had about 2 hours before speaking to the church. Joanna - my OVC assistant - came by to see if I had any wrapping paper for a gift. I said I didn’t but showed her how she could make her own with some of my markers, a glue stick and a piece of old newsprint paper. So while she was doing that (I’m telling you, you are never ‘off’ as a Peace Corps volunteer), I sat down to prepare for speaking at the church. I was unusually calm about it and not worried and even as I drew a blank about what to say, I decided to just ‘wing it’.
I arrived at the church early, waited for the current speaker to finish, then took the floor. I had to do everything via a translator and I used a video on my computer about HIV. The hour FLEW by! The audience was engaged, I was NEVER fearful or nervous…it was cake! I had the men talking about things that culturally you don’t speak of in public - it was great. I walked away feeling completely confident…I then went and bought myself a Fanta, lol. It’s funny how this week has been very ‘trying’ in regards to my emotions, sensitivity, insecurity, etc. and then I’m given a gift of success to remind me why I am here. Regardless of how some days may seem to be, I’m learning to accept that there is a reason for me to be in Mpungu and there is a reason why I need to do this on my own - without other volunteers around - hell without a phone! This is hard. But…I’m growing.
Sunday, November 23 - Tuesday, November 25 (early afternoon):
Sunday came and went. I worked on my Christmas video for most of the day, took a walk and then watched a movie with Ruben and Sandra, his girlfriend. Monday, we had a our meeting and I tried to make the point about the garden not being watered as it should be. It seemed to go well but when the meeting was over and time to actually work in the garden, no one was available. I made more copies of the slideshow and then 3 boys stopped by to watch a movie. I introduced them to The Matrix - which they loved - mostly all the karate stuff.
This morning I’ve been preparing for my OVC group and getting ready to head out on Wednesday. I ran into Sandra (Ruben’s girlfriend) on my way to see Lyambezi. After he and I talked and I showed him the garden, I mentioned something about Ruben and going with him to Rundu. He then told me that Sandra was here because she tried to commit suicide last night by drinking some type of animal medication. What the F? I told him that if she needed to talk to someone, to tell her I was available. Well…her brought her over about an hour later.
She told me all about their relationship and Ruben’s infidelity (which didn’t surprise me at all given the mentality of most men in this country). I listened and offered some words of comfort and suggestions on how to move forward and she left feeling - or at least saying that she was feeling - better. This will certainly make the trip to Rundu with Ruben interesting.
Wednesday, November 26 - Sunday, November 30:
Yesterday, my OVC group was great as usual. We made piggy banks/keep sake containers out of old pill bottles I’d been saving from the pharmacy and then watched a movie about Antarctica. I could tell some of them were bored during the film, but they will remember what they saw whether they understood it at the time or not.
Wednesday morning Ruben stopped by to talk about his girlfriend, NOT knowing she had come by the day before to speak to me. I told him much of what I had said to her and that I would be happy to mediate for them if they were interested. We then decided to head to Rundu early and took off around 9. He had a lot of stops to make along the way so I reached town around 12:30.
Rach was off school so we went to lunch and mapped out the rest of the day. Over the next few days Jill, Ashley, Jessica, Thea, Griffin, Kaitlin, Juice, The Voice, Sarah and Steph made their way to Rundu for the big Thanksgiving bash scheduled for Saturday. It’s always great hanging out with the PCVs I don’t get to see that often and swapping stories. We went out on Wednesday for Rach’s b-day to the Kavango River Lodge. It has a great sunset view of the river and though it was cloudy we enjoyed the evening.
Thanksgiving day more showed up as the 26ers piled into Rundu for the last time. They all COS next week and so this is their farewell party as well as Thanksgiving celebration. Also, Joe, a PC Botswana volunteer that I had met on facebook came. It was nice to hang out with another gay PCV though I do have to say that he and I personality wise are very different. I’ve struggled with my own self-acceptance of my sexuality for years and have pretty much come to terms with it. I wish I just didn’t feel so uncomfortable around more effeminate men. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. It didn’t help that on top of that being his ‘personality’ that he as he drank, he became kind of a snobby bitch. THAT is something I cannot stand and I found myself apologizing to my friends about having invited him.
I ran errands throughout the few week days I was here in Rundu, having meetings - discovered all my trees for my orchard project are ready - I now just have to figure out transport to the village. Maggie had brought over her projector so we watched a lot of movies, SWAPPED a lot of movies and music - typical PC gathering.
Saturday we got up early and started cooking. I was in charge of 2 pumpkin cheesecakes. I did pretty well. We made them with yogurt instead of cream cheese (cause it doesn’t exist here) and I made the crusts our of double chocolate rusks (sort of like biscotti) and that was also a success. When we all converged on the Bavaria it was amazing. SO much food and 5 generations of volunteers. OH, I forgot to mention that that newbies (5 of them) were also here from site visit. It was exactly the scenario I was in 1 year ago. It was interesting to watch their faces and see the confusion, doubt, fear, etc. - all the things I was feeling last year. It showed me how far I’d come and I was also excited for them for what lie ahead.
Last night, after dinner, around 10:30 pm, we headed to the Gazza concert. Gazza is one of the biggest Namibian artists - sort of what 50 cent or Snoop Dogg would be to us in the states. I was excited yet nervous because in crowds of drunken Namibians anything can happen. While standing in line to get in Jill was pickpocketed and lost her ticket and Chris had his phone stolen - all in a matter of 2 minutes. I had taken NOTHING with me on purpose. Once inside and in the ‘real’ crowd, I was pickpocketed 3x. All three times I felt it and reached into my pants, grabbed the persons hand and told them to F-off and keep their hands out of my pants. It was encouraging cause it showed me how much I’ve integrated, lol. If I can stand my ground like that. It’s funny how people are though cause each time I caught them, they then looked at me like ‘what are you doing? Don’t touch me!’. No ‘I’m caught’ look or ‘sorry’. They seemed pissed off at me for noticing.
It’s interesting because for PCVs the experience is very tough and hard and yet rewarding and yet there are situations where you lose faith in the very people you are here to help. The whole thing is very emotional. It’s just like when people complain about the food you provide for them when otherwise they wouldn’t be eating anything. It’s why I prefer to work with kids because they are just SO appreciative of ANYTHING you do for them.
I forgot to mention a similar situation at OK foods the day before. I had been waiting in line for chips, along with about 6 other people, and as they were coming up a man walked up behind me, complaining about things taking so long and reached over my shoulder and grabbed them out of the woman’s hands as she was handing them to me. I wasn’t about to stand for it. I grabbed his hands and in very fluent Rukwangali explained to him that I had been waiting and those belonged to me. Again, he just looked at me like ‘what are you doing?’. We exchanged words for a minute before his friend took the chips out of his hand and gave them to me and I walked away. I know there is a lot of angst towards white people in this country and I get it. I really do. I guess what I am supposed to walk away from the experience with is an understand of what most black people have gone through in history. Feeling overlooked. Feeling like a ‘thing’. There are many times where I feel just like that and have to work through those emotions on my own. I cannot imagine how one would be emotionally and psychologically if they’d experience that their entire lives. I know that’s where all the behavior stems from. It just makes our work as volunteers that much more difficult.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Time Flies when you are living in a 3rd World country...
Thursday, October 2 - Sunday, October 5:
Thursday morning I went to school to finish the HIV education at the primary school along with Gideon, my friend from the HIV+ group. It went very well and he did an amazing job. The kids really LOVED him and asked a lot of questions. I then stopped by Mr. Anton’s office to schedule the garden training for early November.
I was supposed to be going to Nkurenkuru with Lyambezi in the afternoon but when I returned to the clinic I found he had already left and forgot me. Typical. I ended up getting a ride with the ambulance and getting there in the afternoon. I made pizzas for Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and we played some spades.
Friday, Rachel, Juice and Ash showed up and we caught up and hung out. It was great to see them. Saturday we took them around Nkurenkuru and ended up visiting Selma, the friend of Sarah’s who has a monkey. I got to feed him. It’s sad that he’s kept on a chain but it was still fun. In the afternoon we all headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for the braai. It was awesome to see so many of the other 26ers. They had slaughtered a large goat so there was plenty of it on the grill. All the locals that they had befriended since arriving. I met a couple of World Teach volunteers who are currently living in Nankudu. They are very cool and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Hanging out, dancing and socializing was great fun but I’ve realized that I’m still not very good in those type of settings. I’m much more of a 1 on 1 kind of person in a more intimate situation. When there is a lot of people, I sort of clam up and become a wall flower. It also made me realize that in our large group of volunteers, Sarah is the person I’ve bonded with the most and that I don’t feel ‘really’ close to most of the others. Sure, I consider them friends and enjoy their company. But nothing like I have in friendships back home. I wonder how much of that is me not being open and how much of it is not having a lot in common with some these guys. Do you really need to have that much in common to establish a friendship and/or bond? I sometimes think I just question things too much and don’t just go with the flow. I need to let go.
Today, Sarah and I hung out, watched movies and napped in all this heat. I made it back to site around 7, unpacked and got a phone call from my friend Doug. It was great to hear his voice and catch up. I have a busy week this week so I’m gonna call it an early night.
Monday, October 6 - Wednesday, October 8:
Monday’s meeting went well and everyone had great things to say about the event from the previous week. We brainstormed a bit about the next event and then planned for the garden training coming up in November. The rest of the day I spent organizing my desk which was a mess and then I thought Gideon was bringing Lulu over for his birthday, but the electricity went out so we cancelled.
Yesterday was my day with the young OVCs which was great. I had the create ‘All About Me’ books in which I am going to have them draw or write in every week - they then can take them home at the end of this school term. They were all very creative. We talked about why only the boys drew cars while the girls drew flowers and suns. I talked to them again about trust and the trust cycles we will be going through. There are a couple of kids that are sticking out that I am falling in love with.
Today I worked on some emails, finished organizing my desk, worked in the pharmacy a bit and now I’m getting ready for my secondary OVC group. Tomorrow I head to Rundu with a shitload of things to do, then Friday I’m off to Winhoek.
Thursday, October 9:
Today we took off early from Mpungu in order to get to Rundu and kill many birds with a single stone. Of course, we didn’t take off on time AND the driver stopped by and handled many of his errands along the way so we didn’t arrive until around noon. That sucked, because we were then all hungry and yet we had a lot to do before eating.
We did end up accomplishing a lot! We purchased all the garden equipment though it took trips to several hardware stores to do so. We also picked up the rest of the supplies for the sewing business and it was fun to see the excitement in Veronica’s eyes as she was able to pick out all the fabric she wanted. We stopped by the Ministry of Forestry to drop off the tree request, picked up my paper from the PC office, went to the bank to open an account which we weren’t able to do, have lunch and also take my friends Fanual and Veronica on their first escalator ride. It was great. They were hesitant because they had not seen anything like it. Once they ‘jumped’ on, they smiled the whole way up and back down. There were young kids playing on the escalators. It was cute because it’s probably the most fun and excitement they have ever had. I got really pissed when an Afrikaaner woman came out of her store and yelled at them. I wanted to smack her and tell her to leave them alone.
They took off in the afternoon so they could swing by Nkurenkuru and pick up the 4 bikes the groups there donated to us and I hung out with Chris and Rachel before heading to Patrick’s to sleep. I had forgotten both my phone charger AND my ear plugs and wondered how I was going to survive the next few days.
Friday, October 10 - Sunday, October 12:
I am now a firm believer in using a sign when hiking. Kami had talked about it and I had thought about it every time I hiked but this time I was prepared. I had a sign that said Peace Corps Volunteer. Chris and I waited no more than 20 minutes in Rundu to get a hike to Otjiwarongo. The hike was interesting - an Afrikaaner woman who was heading there to pick up her sister in law who was fresh out of drug rehab. Only to get a call 20k from the town to hear that she was now missing and had made the trip for nothing. Fortunately she took us the rest of the way there. We hugged her and told her it would be okay.
We grabbed some food at SuperSpar and within another 20 minutes, had our ride to Windhoek. Right to Game to say the least. We bought some things, walked to Jan Jonker to check in, took a shower, met up with some others and then headed to the mall. I had really hoped there was be a good movie playing that I could justify spending N$45 on, but there was naught. 2 young British volunteers who are friends with Katie in Aronos were also in the city and they cooked dinner for us. I can’t imagine being 18 and that far from home.
The next morning we got together to discuss who was taking over what responsibilities from the former VSN board. I was chosen (or elected myself I should say) to be in charge of PR. That means that I have to send the newbies an email in the states before they arrive, redo the current handbook and submit monthly columns to the ‘All Included’ newsletter. I can handle that. That night most of us went to Primi for Italian and I had a FROZEN MARGHERITTA!!! I haven’t had one of those since leaving the states. I also had a mojito. Damn.
There were things I needed to do that I kept missing out on because of mall hours so we decided to not start the next day until 11. I ran to the mall early and finished some errands. We then organized the training of VSN for the new group coming next month. It was fun and I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Brooke and Katie were amazing and I’m glad they have taken the positions of trainer and coordinator. We then went to SPURS for dinner and I had a hamburger and it was GOOD!
Monday, October 13 - Wednesday, October 15:
Well, I lost faith in the sign because it was the hiking day from hell. Chris had decided to pay for a combi because he needed to get back to site. I thought, what the hell, I’ll just hike on my own. I started hiking at 6:30 in the morning. I arrived in Rundu (700k away) just past 7pm. It was ridiculously hot and tiring and I was cursing PC under my breath. Thing is, I could have paid to hike as well, but was being a cheapskate. I thought I was going to be trapped in Otavi but at the last minute managed a hike with some people heading to Zambia.
Jehan was in Rundu at Molly’s so we all caught up and watched a bit of a movie, then I crashed. Or tried to anyways, it was so hot and I was without a fan.
I had some errands to do in Rundu the next day so after accomplishing those, I went to Engen for about 45 minutes before landing a hellashis hike to Nkurenkuru. It was in the back of a truck so there was the heat and the truck was falling apart and had no suspension so combine that with all the construction on the road and I was miserable. But I managed to laugh it off. After that long ride, I decided to just crash at Sarah and come home the next day.
This morning I caught a ride with Janne, the Finnish missionary all the way to my clinic. I unpacked, tried out the new hose on my plants, moved the bikes from Fanuel’s office to my house, finished the letter to the newbies, uploaded the pics from my camera, walked to the store for milk and eggs, made lunch and then dinner and have been watching Weeds, Season 4. I’m glad to be back at site and don’t want leave it for awhile. I did find out that Sarah’s parents are coming at the end of November so if the money for my theater equipment comes in on time, I can get them to transport it back to here for me. That would be perfect. Also, I’m 8 weeks from my big vacation!! I cannot wait!
Thursday, October 16:
LONG, ass day. But the best part didn’t happen til later. On the way back from dinner at the school I was confronted with the ghosts of Christmas, lol. First, I hear and then see a very newborn baby goat with its mother near by. I take the opportunity to stop and try to pet it only to discover there is something really wrong with it and as I pick it up, I then notice the shit and blood crusting out of its ass. I now have shit and blood on my t-shirt. There’s a second where I realize this goat is going to be some wild animal’s dinner tonight and wonder whether I should put it out of its misery. I chicken out.
Halfway home I notice something scurry across the road in front of me and as I direct my headlamp I confront a rather large spider. What’s funny about this is that at dinner, Dinah was describing a large, poisonous spider that she was saw in Rundu the week before. A very aggressive, poisonous spider. This one, matched her description.
I then, get back to the clinic to hear a girl screaming and many people hanging around. Typically, the clinic is dead this time of night. Come to find out, a girl was bitten by a snake. I worry every time I am out at night walking around that I will be bitten by a snake. Also, the barber from Nkurenkuru is here with his uncle who is going to have to stay a night at the clinic. He and his friend have no place to stay so I have offered them my spare bedroom. I instantly went to this place in my head of ‘I need to lock all my closet doors’. I hate the fact that I went there, but I did. So I came home and locked the doors just in case they come over.
Friday October, 17 - Tuesday, October 21:
Friday I did the usual by working in the pharmacy until around 1 and then cleaning up the house a bit before Sarah arrived. I LOVE having company out here. She came later in the afternoon so we walked to the tuck shop for some beers, made dinner and then chilled out for the night.
Saturday, we had planned on getting up early to go for a long bike ride but it didn’t happen. She’s been having problems sleeping and being out here without a fan didn’t help. We had breakfast, played cards and watched Weeds most of the day. Once it cooled off, we went for our ride. We made it all the way to Katope (about 11k away). We thought we would be blessed with some cool drinks but their one tuck shop was out and we weren’t smart enough to take water with us. We were dying. It started to rain a bit on the way home.
We stopped by the tuck shop in Mpungu, bought some water and more beers and headed home. We taught ourselves how to play Rook - which 1. I suck at and 2. I’m still not convinced is a decent game for just two people. We then settled in for some more weeds.
Sunday we chilled most of the day while she waited her ride back to site. The rest of the day I cleaned my house and worked on my garden. I am going to plant a new bed each night this week and hopefully Sakeus will have my fence done before things start coming up and the goats eat them.
Monday I had a GREAT meeting with the group. The majority of them showed up on time and we got a lot accomplished. I feel like they are really starting to come together and we can move forward with getting things done. We talked and planned the next HIV Awareness day, discussed the theater project and finalized plans for the garden. If everything goes well, we should have the garden started the first week of November and the theater equipment should be here by the end of that month. Yippee! The rest of the day I worked on some details for the event and talked to the pastor about using the church for the garden training.
Today I meant to spend the morning preparing for my OVC stuff, but ended up getting sidetracked by other things. Most of my OVCs were early today for some reason, so I let them come in and we talked a little about math while we waited for others to arrive. MANY showed up today and I had about 25 kids in my flat. We talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up and I had them draw it in their all about me books. Most wanted to be doctors, nurses or teachers but one kid wanted to be the president of the country. I was like, GO FOR IT KIDDO! I was happy to see someone have ambition above and beyond what most people dream for.
During our class we kept getting interrupted by the local kids wanting to use my squirt guns and then one of the men from the church stopped by and said they are starting a men’s group and they want me to be a part of it. Damn! I’m VERY excited about that, but more excited that they have asked me to join. They are asking an outsider, a white person, be a part of their group. It made my day.
Wednesday, October 22 - Friday, October 24:
Wednesday I spent the morning getting ready for my OVCs in the afternoon. Gideon and Lulu stopped by so he could charge his phone and they just stayed. I kep hinting at the fact that I needed to be working but they just sat there so I felt the need to entertain Lulu.
In the afternoon, only 1 kid showed up for the OVC and neither of my assistants. It was then that I made the decision to combine the groups into the one big one on Tuesdays. He seemed to understand so I really hope he comes next week. I used the rest of the day to work on some ideas for our next HIV Awareness event. Veronica and the landlord for their sewing business stopped by so we could draw up a lease. What should have taken 30 minutes, took close to 90.
Thursday, with nothing to do really, I decided to work in the pharmacy a bit. Before I made it there though, Veronica and Berta stopped by to create the price list for their business and to discuss some problems they were having with each other. Berta’s mother wants to move to Rundu for a month or two because of problems she is having with someone in the community and she wants Berta to go with her. So of course, Veronica feels abandoned and Berta doesn’t want to NOT be a part of the business. They reason I mention all of this is that in the midst of this, while Hellini and Saki (Veronica and Fanuel’s children were playing). Hellini just stood up and started peeing on my floor. No expression of surprise or guilt on her face. Just like she was coloring - that exact same amount of enthusiasm. The others were talking and no paying attention and so I was like, ‘Hellini! Siga! Hellini!’ but she just kept on creating a big puddle on the floor and the other’s didn’t notice. Finally Veronica did notice and tried to stop her but she kept on and then started walking in it and then around my house. I was sort of shocked and frozen - not knowing exactly what to do. I didn’t really have anything I could use to clean it up except a dish towel and I didn’t want to have to clean it later. I just said I didn’t have anything and so Veronica went to the clinic to borrow a mop.
The interesting thing about all of this is that there was no apology, no embarrassment, NOTHING on the part of Veronica or Fanuel. It was like her peeing on the floor was no different than carrying sand in on her feet. At first I was very taken aback by this…I mean, their child just pissed all over my floor! And then I started thinking about it. Why SHOULD either of them be embarrassed or apologetic. They had no control over her doing that…or did they? We, as Americas, get so bent out of shape when something extreme or uncomfortable happens and the first thing we do is look for someone to blame or someone to take responsibility. Why did I think it necessary that they apologize or feel badly for what happened? How does that affect me? Is it a form of control or feeling better than someone? I mean really…if they had been all “I’m so sorry, OMG, I’m so ebararssed’. I would have immediately told them it was okay and they should laugh about it, that’s it’s no big deal. So…if I really feel that way and MOST of us feel that way in similar situations, why IS there a need for the other person to grovel and feel weird? Seriously…why?
Saturday, October 25 - Tuesday, October 28:
This morning I went for a long bike ride and then worked in my garden, preparing beds. I then decided it was time to cut my hair. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me. I haven’t cut it since I left the states but it was time. Dinah and John were going to Nkurenkuru so I decided to join them for that and also get some groceries. When I returned, the nurses went on and on about my shaved head - so I guess it was a hit. Wapa usili!!
Later that day, I went up to play cards with them. It was a lot of fun. The best part was watching Dinah get drunk off wine and how it affected her playing. Sakeus stopped by there house and he said he’d be at mine tomorrow to finish my fence.
Sunday rolled around. Sakeus showed up to finish the fence and I made him pancakes. We then talked for a bit about this and that and I went about my day. I honestly can’t remember what I did.
Monday morning we had out meeting and once again I was happy that the majority of people showed up on time. We began discussing the garden and it led to some issues - more with UMYA members than anything. UMYA is the home-based health care group I helped organize training for back in June. Unfortunately Risto, the guy in charge of UMYA hasn’t done shit since and so none of them have clients or even their kits. I unfortunately had to tell them that until they get clients, they could not be a part of the garden. They seemed to understand okay. We also talked about our next event and scheduled it for Nov. 15.
We then walked down to see the sewing business. I discovered along the way that Berta has decided to leave for a few months which leaves the business completely up to Veronica. This really sucks because I have worked so hard to get this thing going for them and now it’s at a standstill once again. I suggested to both of them that they open up the business to include a group of ladies (which honestly is what I should have done in the first place) but they weren’t interested. I don’t know how Veronica is going to manage to open this place up with 2 kids in tow. It’s no wonder most things don’t turn out here - there is always something that gets in the way.
Esther, the woman who wanted to start the kindergarten was at the meeting and I hadn’t seen her in about a month. I asked her where she was with everything and she handed me her hand-written proposal. I was happy to see that we were still moving forward with this project. I told her to come back tomorrow (cause I was wiped out) and we would type up a formal proposal together.
Today I made preparations for the afternoon OVC program while I waited for Esther to arrive. She was late, but we were able to get everything done by lunch time. The kids showed up early - as they have been - and we got started promptly at 2:30. We meditated, played the name game (more for me to learn each of their name’s than them but 2 birds with one stone), we talked about stigma and I had them draw pictures of their homesteads in their ‘All About Me’ books. They then took turns talking about them. It was sort of amusing. Many of the kids who had initially told me that their mother or father had died, talked about how they lived with their mother and father. My initial reaction - control freak reaction - was to say ‘hey, this is an OVC program ONLY!’ you need to leave. But here’s the deal…what is a ‘vulnerable’ child anyways? Just because the definition by the Ministry of Gender states it’s a child who has lost a parent…aren’t all these kids vulnerable in some way? So fuck it! I’m going to keep doing this after school program for whomever shows up. Now, if it gets to the point where I have 200 kids coming…I may have to draw the line, lol.
Wednesday, October 29 - Friday, October 31:
Wednesday was one of those ‘I have absolutely NOTHING to do days’. So that’s pretty much how it went. Thursday there wasn’t much going on mainly because I was waiting on an afternoon ride to Nkurenkuru. I cleaned my place, cancelled dinner plans with the other volunteers and basically just hung out waiting - thinking that my super was going to be back around 2 or 3 and I would ride with the car on it’s return. 8:00 pm rolls around with still no car. I finally send a text to make sure they are still coming - already getting pissed that I have missed the opportunity to go there tonight AND it would cause me to miss my free ride to Rundu Friday morning with Janne. Lyambezi calls me back to inform me that the car got into an accident and they won’t be getting here until very late. Problem was, that Sarah was not home so I was crashing with Scot and Lindsey and they go to bed early because of school. It’s just funny to me how things happen here and there is so many obstacles one has to work around in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks.
Friday I got up VERY early and walked the 1k to the hike point thinking that MAYBE I could make it in time. For about 30 minutes I just sat there, no cars at all and then as luck would have it, Selma - a friend of Sarah’s, stopped. She was on her way back to Nkurenkuru from her farm. Not only did I make it in time to catch Janne but it was free AND I saw the most beautiful sunrise of this season. It was a big lesson in not getting bent out of shape - that things always seem to work out the way they were supposed to.
Upon arrival in Rundu, I had a plethora of things to do and I set about accomplishing them before dark. I bought elbow brackets at the hardware store, went to the bank, stopped by Nawa Life and the Forestry Department, bought Tengo, had lunch, printed out many documents at the office, bought laminating sheets for birth certificates and a potato masher, lol. All in all, a very productive day.
I met up with Sarah and everyone later at the office to go buy booze for the evenings festivities. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, today marked one year ago I we left the states. One year. Damn…I realize there have been times where the days seem as though they were dragging on but I have to say that this past year has just WHIZZED by my face.
Everyone converged at Maggies, put on their Halloween costumes and began to enjoy the evening. Sarah and I went as Scot and Lindsey - our favorite Nam26er couple. Skyla was a dust bunny, Ben a wrestler, Lindsey went as Sarah Palin and Scot as Joe the Plumber, Rach was Dwight from the Office, Juice went as Maggie B, Maggie N. was a deviled egg, Christine and Alex were characters from some story I was not privy too, Cedar and Carrie went as traditional Himba women, the voice was a ninja and Lisa was a monk. I thought all the costumes were very creative given the fact that we don’t have a Capel’s or one of those temporary stores that pop up around this time. In fact, they don’t celebrate Halloween here at all. I has been quite interesting to try and explain it to Namibians. They can’t wrap their mind around the fact that children go door to door saying ‘trick or treat’ and people give them things for doing that. They all want to know WHAT ELSE the children have to work at to receive the sweets, lol. Overall, the night was fantastic, I drank too much and went to bed. A good way to put an end to my first year.
Thursday morning I went to school to finish the HIV education at the primary school along with Gideon, my friend from the HIV+ group. It went very well and he did an amazing job. The kids really LOVED him and asked a lot of questions. I then stopped by Mr. Anton’s office to schedule the garden training for early November.
I was supposed to be going to Nkurenkuru with Lyambezi in the afternoon but when I returned to the clinic I found he had already left and forgot me. Typical. I ended up getting a ride with the ambulance and getting there in the afternoon. I made pizzas for Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and we played some spades.
Friday, Rachel, Juice and Ash showed up and we caught up and hung out. It was great to see them. Saturday we took them around Nkurenkuru and ended up visiting Selma, the friend of Sarah’s who has a monkey. I got to feed him. It’s sad that he’s kept on a chain but it was still fun. In the afternoon we all headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for the braai. It was awesome to see so many of the other 26ers. They had slaughtered a large goat so there was plenty of it on the grill. All the locals that they had befriended since arriving. I met a couple of World Teach volunteers who are currently living in Nankudu. They are very cool and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Hanging out, dancing and socializing was great fun but I’ve realized that I’m still not very good in those type of settings. I’m much more of a 1 on 1 kind of person in a more intimate situation. When there is a lot of people, I sort of clam up and become a wall flower. It also made me realize that in our large group of volunteers, Sarah is the person I’ve bonded with the most and that I don’t feel ‘really’ close to most of the others. Sure, I consider them friends and enjoy their company. But nothing like I have in friendships back home. I wonder how much of that is me not being open and how much of it is not having a lot in common with some these guys. Do you really need to have that much in common to establish a friendship and/or bond? I sometimes think I just question things too much and don’t just go with the flow. I need to let go.
Today, Sarah and I hung out, watched movies and napped in all this heat. I made it back to site around 7, unpacked and got a phone call from my friend Doug. It was great to hear his voice and catch up. I have a busy week this week so I’m gonna call it an early night.
Monday, October 6 - Wednesday, October 8:
Monday’s meeting went well and everyone had great things to say about the event from the previous week. We brainstormed a bit about the next event and then planned for the garden training coming up in November. The rest of the day I spent organizing my desk which was a mess and then I thought Gideon was bringing Lulu over for his birthday, but the electricity went out so we cancelled.
Yesterday was my day with the young OVCs which was great. I had the create ‘All About Me’ books in which I am going to have them draw or write in every week - they then can take them home at the end of this school term. They were all very creative. We talked about why only the boys drew cars while the girls drew flowers and suns. I talked to them again about trust and the trust cycles we will be going through. There are a couple of kids that are sticking out that I am falling in love with.
Today I worked on some emails, finished organizing my desk, worked in the pharmacy a bit and now I’m getting ready for my secondary OVC group. Tomorrow I head to Rundu with a shitload of things to do, then Friday I’m off to Winhoek.
Thursday, October 9:
Today we took off early from Mpungu in order to get to Rundu and kill many birds with a single stone. Of course, we didn’t take off on time AND the driver stopped by and handled many of his errands along the way so we didn’t arrive until around noon. That sucked, because we were then all hungry and yet we had a lot to do before eating.
We did end up accomplishing a lot! We purchased all the garden equipment though it took trips to several hardware stores to do so. We also picked up the rest of the supplies for the sewing business and it was fun to see the excitement in Veronica’s eyes as she was able to pick out all the fabric she wanted. We stopped by the Ministry of Forestry to drop off the tree request, picked up my paper from the PC office, went to the bank to open an account which we weren’t able to do, have lunch and also take my friends Fanual and Veronica on their first escalator ride. It was great. They were hesitant because they had not seen anything like it. Once they ‘jumped’ on, they smiled the whole way up and back down. There were young kids playing on the escalators. It was cute because it’s probably the most fun and excitement they have ever had. I got really pissed when an Afrikaaner woman came out of her store and yelled at them. I wanted to smack her and tell her to leave them alone.
They took off in the afternoon so they could swing by Nkurenkuru and pick up the 4 bikes the groups there donated to us and I hung out with Chris and Rachel before heading to Patrick’s to sleep. I had forgotten both my phone charger AND my ear plugs and wondered how I was going to survive the next few days.
Friday, October 10 - Sunday, October 12:
I am now a firm believer in using a sign when hiking. Kami had talked about it and I had thought about it every time I hiked but this time I was prepared. I had a sign that said Peace Corps Volunteer. Chris and I waited no more than 20 minutes in Rundu to get a hike to Otjiwarongo. The hike was interesting - an Afrikaaner woman who was heading there to pick up her sister in law who was fresh out of drug rehab. Only to get a call 20k from the town to hear that she was now missing and had made the trip for nothing. Fortunately she took us the rest of the way there. We hugged her and told her it would be okay.
We grabbed some food at SuperSpar and within another 20 minutes, had our ride to Windhoek. Right to Game to say the least. We bought some things, walked to Jan Jonker to check in, took a shower, met up with some others and then headed to the mall. I had really hoped there was be a good movie playing that I could justify spending N$45 on, but there was naught. 2 young British volunteers who are friends with Katie in Aronos were also in the city and they cooked dinner for us. I can’t imagine being 18 and that far from home.
The next morning we got together to discuss who was taking over what responsibilities from the former VSN board. I was chosen (or elected myself I should say) to be in charge of PR. That means that I have to send the newbies an email in the states before they arrive, redo the current handbook and submit monthly columns to the ‘All Included’ newsletter. I can handle that. That night most of us went to Primi for Italian and I had a FROZEN MARGHERITTA!!! I haven’t had one of those since leaving the states. I also had a mojito. Damn.
There were things I needed to do that I kept missing out on because of mall hours so we decided to not start the next day until 11. I ran to the mall early and finished some errands. We then organized the training of VSN for the new group coming next month. It was fun and I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Brooke and Katie were amazing and I’m glad they have taken the positions of trainer and coordinator. We then went to SPURS for dinner and I had a hamburger and it was GOOD!
Monday, October 13 - Wednesday, October 15:
Well, I lost faith in the sign because it was the hiking day from hell. Chris had decided to pay for a combi because he needed to get back to site. I thought, what the hell, I’ll just hike on my own. I started hiking at 6:30 in the morning. I arrived in Rundu (700k away) just past 7pm. It was ridiculously hot and tiring and I was cursing PC under my breath. Thing is, I could have paid to hike as well, but was being a cheapskate. I thought I was going to be trapped in Otavi but at the last minute managed a hike with some people heading to Zambia.
Jehan was in Rundu at Molly’s so we all caught up and watched a bit of a movie, then I crashed. Or tried to anyways, it was so hot and I was without a fan.
I had some errands to do in Rundu the next day so after accomplishing those, I went to Engen for about 45 minutes before landing a hellashis hike to Nkurenkuru. It was in the back of a truck so there was the heat and the truck was falling apart and had no suspension so combine that with all the construction on the road and I was miserable. But I managed to laugh it off. After that long ride, I decided to just crash at Sarah and come home the next day.
This morning I caught a ride with Janne, the Finnish missionary all the way to my clinic. I unpacked, tried out the new hose on my plants, moved the bikes from Fanuel’s office to my house, finished the letter to the newbies, uploaded the pics from my camera, walked to the store for milk and eggs, made lunch and then dinner and have been watching Weeds, Season 4. I’m glad to be back at site and don’t want leave it for awhile. I did find out that Sarah’s parents are coming at the end of November so if the money for my theater equipment comes in on time, I can get them to transport it back to here for me. That would be perfect. Also, I’m 8 weeks from my big vacation!! I cannot wait!
Thursday, October 16:
LONG, ass day. But the best part didn’t happen til later. On the way back from dinner at the school I was confronted with the ghosts of Christmas, lol. First, I hear and then see a very newborn baby goat with its mother near by. I take the opportunity to stop and try to pet it only to discover there is something really wrong with it and as I pick it up, I then notice the shit and blood crusting out of its ass. I now have shit and blood on my t-shirt. There’s a second where I realize this goat is going to be some wild animal’s dinner tonight and wonder whether I should put it out of its misery. I chicken out.
Halfway home I notice something scurry across the road in front of me and as I direct my headlamp I confront a rather large spider. What’s funny about this is that at dinner, Dinah was describing a large, poisonous spider that she was saw in Rundu the week before. A very aggressive, poisonous spider. This one, matched her description.
I then, get back to the clinic to hear a girl screaming and many people hanging around. Typically, the clinic is dead this time of night. Come to find out, a girl was bitten by a snake. I worry every time I am out at night walking around that I will be bitten by a snake. Also, the barber from Nkurenkuru is here with his uncle who is going to have to stay a night at the clinic. He and his friend have no place to stay so I have offered them my spare bedroom. I instantly went to this place in my head of ‘I need to lock all my closet doors’. I hate the fact that I went there, but I did. So I came home and locked the doors just in case they come over.
Friday October, 17 - Tuesday, October 21:
Friday I did the usual by working in the pharmacy until around 1 and then cleaning up the house a bit before Sarah arrived. I LOVE having company out here. She came later in the afternoon so we walked to the tuck shop for some beers, made dinner and then chilled out for the night.
Saturday, we had planned on getting up early to go for a long bike ride but it didn’t happen. She’s been having problems sleeping and being out here without a fan didn’t help. We had breakfast, played cards and watched Weeds most of the day. Once it cooled off, we went for our ride. We made it all the way to Katope (about 11k away). We thought we would be blessed with some cool drinks but their one tuck shop was out and we weren’t smart enough to take water with us. We were dying. It started to rain a bit on the way home.
We stopped by the tuck shop in Mpungu, bought some water and more beers and headed home. We taught ourselves how to play Rook - which 1. I suck at and 2. I’m still not convinced is a decent game for just two people. We then settled in for some more weeds.
Sunday we chilled most of the day while she waited her ride back to site. The rest of the day I cleaned my house and worked on my garden. I am going to plant a new bed each night this week and hopefully Sakeus will have my fence done before things start coming up and the goats eat them.
Monday I had a GREAT meeting with the group. The majority of them showed up on time and we got a lot accomplished. I feel like they are really starting to come together and we can move forward with getting things done. We talked and planned the next HIV Awareness day, discussed the theater project and finalized plans for the garden. If everything goes well, we should have the garden started the first week of November and the theater equipment should be here by the end of that month. Yippee! The rest of the day I worked on some details for the event and talked to the pastor about using the church for the garden training.
Today I meant to spend the morning preparing for my OVC stuff, but ended up getting sidetracked by other things. Most of my OVCs were early today for some reason, so I let them come in and we talked a little about math while we waited for others to arrive. MANY showed up today and I had about 25 kids in my flat. We talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up and I had them draw it in their all about me books. Most wanted to be doctors, nurses or teachers but one kid wanted to be the president of the country. I was like, GO FOR IT KIDDO! I was happy to see someone have ambition above and beyond what most people dream for.
During our class we kept getting interrupted by the local kids wanting to use my squirt guns and then one of the men from the church stopped by and said they are starting a men’s group and they want me to be a part of it. Damn! I’m VERY excited about that, but more excited that they have asked me to join. They are asking an outsider, a white person, be a part of their group. It made my day.
Wednesday, October 22 - Friday, October 24:
Wednesday I spent the morning getting ready for my OVCs in the afternoon. Gideon and Lulu stopped by so he could charge his phone and they just stayed. I kep hinting at the fact that I needed to be working but they just sat there so I felt the need to entertain Lulu.
In the afternoon, only 1 kid showed up for the OVC and neither of my assistants. It was then that I made the decision to combine the groups into the one big one on Tuesdays. He seemed to understand so I really hope he comes next week. I used the rest of the day to work on some ideas for our next HIV Awareness event. Veronica and the landlord for their sewing business stopped by so we could draw up a lease. What should have taken 30 minutes, took close to 90.
Thursday, with nothing to do really, I decided to work in the pharmacy a bit. Before I made it there though, Veronica and Berta stopped by to create the price list for their business and to discuss some problems they were having with each other. Berta’s mother wants to move to Rundu for a month or two because of problems she is having with someone in the community and she wants Berta to go with her. So of course, Veronica feels abandoned and Berta doesn’t want to NOT be a part of the business. They reason I mention all of this is that in the midst of this, while Hellini and Saki (Veronica and Fanuel’s children were playing). Hellini just stood up and started peeing on my floor. No expression of surprise or guilt on her face. Just like she was coloring - that exact same amount of enthusiasm. The others were talking and no paying attention and so I was like, ‘Hellini! Siga! Hellini!’ but she just kept on creating a big puddle on the floor and the other’s didn’t notice. Finally Veronica did notice and tried to stop her but she kept on and then started walking in it and then around my house. I was sort of shocked and frozen - not knowing exactly what to do. I didn’t really have anything I could use to clean it up except a dish towel and I didn’t want to have to clean it later. I just said I didn’t have anything and so Veronica went to the clinic to borrow a mop.
The interesting thing about all of this is that there was no apology, no embarrassment, NOTHING on the part of Veronica or Fanuel. It was like her peeing on the floor was no different than carrying sand in on her feet. At first I was very taken aback by this…I mean, their child just pissed all over my floor! And then I started thinking about it. Why SHOULD either of them be embarrassed or apologetic. They had no control over her doing that…or did they? We, as Americas, get so bent out of shape when something extreme or uncomfortable happens and the first thing we do is look for someone to blame or someone to take responsibility. Why did I think it necessary that they apologize or feel badly for what happened? How does that affect me? Is it a form of control or feeling better than someone? I mean really…if they had been all “I’m so sorry, OMG, I’m so ebararssed’. I would have immediately told them it was okay and they should laugh about it, that’s it’s no big deal. So…if I really feel that way and MOST of us feel that way in similar situations, why IS there a need for the other person to grovel and feel weird? Seriously…why?
Saturday, October 25 - Tuesday, October 28:
This morning I went for a long bike ride and then worked in my garden, preparing beds. I then decided it was time to cut my hair. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me. I haven’t cut it since I left the states but it was time. Dinah and John were going to Nkurenkuru so I decided to join them for that and also get some groceries. When I returned, the nurses went on and on about my shaved head - so I guess it was a hit. Wapa usili!!
Later that day, I went up to play cards with them. It was a lot of fun. The best part was watching Dinah get drunk off wine and how it affected her playing. Sakeus stopped by there house and he said he’d be at mine tomorrow to finish my fence.
Sunday rolled around. Sakeus showed up to finish the fence and I made him pancakes. We then talked for a bit about this and that and I went about my day. I honestly can’t remember what I did.
Monday morning we had out meeting and once again I was happy that the majority of people showed up on time. We began discussing the garden and it led to some issues - more with UMYA members than anything. UMYA is the home-based health care group I helped organize training for back in June. Unfortunately Risto, the guy in charge of UMYA hasn’t done shit since and so none of them have clients or even their kits. I unfortunately had to tell them that until they get clients, they could not be a part of the garden. They seemed to understand okay. We also talked about our next event and scheduled it for Nov. 15.
We then walked down to see the sewing business. I discovered along the way that Berta has decided to leave for a few months which leaves the business completely up to Veronica. This really sucks because I have worked so hard to get this thing going for them and now it’s at a standstill once again. I suggested to both of them that they open up the business to include a group of ladies (which honestly is what I should have done in the first place) but they weren’t interested. I don’t know how Veronica is going to manage to open this place up with 2 kids in tow. It’s no wonder most things don’t turn out here - there is always something that gets in the way.
Esther, the woman who wanted to start the kindergarten was at the meeting and I hadn’t seen her in about a month. I asked her where she was with everything and she handed me her hand-written proposal. I was happy to see that we were still moving forward with this project. I told her to come back tomorrow (cause I was wiped out) and we would type up a formal proposal together.
Today I made preparations for the afternoon OVC program while I waited for Esther to arrive. She was late, but we were able to get everything done by lunch time. The kids showed up early - as they have been - and we got started promptly at 2:30. We meditated, played the name game (more for me to learn each of their name’s than them but 2 birds with one stone), we talked about stigma and I had them draw pictures of their homesteads in their ‘All About Me’ books. They then took turns talking about them. It was sort of amusing. Many of the kids who had initially told me that their mother or father had died, talked about how they lived with their mother and father. My initial reaction - control freak reaction - was to say ‘hey, this is an OVC program ONLY!’ you need to leave. But here’s the deal…what is a ‘vulnerable’ child anyways? Just because the definition by the Ministry of Gender states it’s a child who has lost a parent…aren’t all these kids vulnerable in some way? So fuck it! I’m going to keep doing this after school program for whomever shows up. Now, if it gets to the point where I have 200 kids coming…I may have to draw the line, lol.
Wednesday, October 29 - Friday, October 31:
Wednesday was one of those ‘I have absolutely NOTHING to do days’. So that’s pretty much how it went. Thursday there wasn’t much going on mainly because I was waiting on an afternoon ride to Nkurenkuru. I cleaned my place, cancelled dinner plans with the other volunteers and basically just hung out waiting - thinking that my super was going to be back around 2 or 3 and I would ride with the car on it’s return. 8:00 pm rolls around with still no car. I finally send a text to make sure they are still coming - already getting pissed that I have missed the opportunity to go there tonight AND it would cause me to miss my free ride to Rundu Friday morning with Janne. Lyambezi calls me back to inform me that the car got into an accident and they won’t be getting here until very late. Problem was, that Sarah was not home so I was crashing with Scot and Lindsey and they go to bed early because of school. It’s just funny to me how things happen here and there is so many obstacles one has to work around in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks.
Friday I got up VERY early and walked the 1k to the hike point thinking that MAYBE I could make it in time. For about 30 minutes I just sat there, no cars at all and then as luck would have it, Selma - a friend of Sarah’s, stopped. She was on her way back to Nkurenkuru from her farm. Not only did I make it in time to catch Janne but it was free AND I saw the most beautiful sunrise of this season. It was a big lesson in not getting bent out of shape - that things always seem to work out the way they were supposed to.
Upon arrival in Rundu, I had a plethora of things to do and I set about accomplishing them before dark. I bought elbow brackets at the hardware store, went to the bank, stopped by Nawa Life and the Forestry Department, bought Tengo, had lunch, printed out many documents at the office, bought laminating sheets for birth certificates and a potato masher, lol. All in all, a very productive day.
I met up with Sarah and everyone later at the office to go buy booze for the evenings festivities. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, today marked one year ago I we left the states. One year. Damn…I realize there have been times where the days seem as though they were dragging on but I have to say that this past year has just WHIZZED by my face.
Everyone converged at Maggies, put on their Halloween costumes and began to enjoy the evening. Sarah and I went as Scot and Lindsey - our favorite Nam26er couple. Skyla was a dust bunny, Ben a wrestler, Lindsey went as Sarah Palin and Scot as Joe the Plumber, Rach was Dwight from the Office, Juice went as Maggie B, Maggie N. was a deviled egg, Christine and Alex were characters from some story I was not privy too, Cedar and Carrie went as traditional Himba women, the voice was a ninja and Lisa was a monk. I thought all the costumes were very creative given the fact that we don’t have a Capel’s or one of those temporary stores that pop up around this time. In fact, they don’t celebrate Halloween here at all. I has been quite interesting to try and explain it to Namibians. They can’t wrap their mind around the fact that children go door to door saying ‘trick or treat’ and people give them things for doing that. They all want to know WHAT ELSE the children have to work at to receive the sweets, lol. Overall, the night was fantastic, I drank too much and went to bed. A good way to put an end to my first year.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Damn it's getting hot around here...
Monday, September 1:
I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?
Tuesday, September 2:
I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?
Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):
Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.
Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:
Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.
Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:
We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.
Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:
Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:
The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.
Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:
I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.
Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:
This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.
Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:
On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.
Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:
Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!
I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?
Tuesday, September 2:
I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?
Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):
Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.
Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:
Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.
Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:
We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.
Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:
Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:
The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.
Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:
I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.
Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:
This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.
Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:
On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.
Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:
Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Adrenaline Junkie
Monday, August 4 - Tuesday, August 5:
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
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