What the F?

My mind is no where NEAR what it used to be after melting in the African sun. I honesly can't believe I haven't posted since June!!! Like I said, what the f? Well, here goes...

Friday, May 29 - Wednesday, June 10:
The past few weeks have been a lot of the same ol’ same ol’. I finally released all the stress around our garden. I gave up all control to them. I explained that for a year we have been trying to get a garden going but no one has taken ownership. Everyone comes up with excuses when it comes time to water. From now on, those interested in being a part of the garden, will have their own individual plots. Thus, if they don’t water and care for their plots and the crop dies, they don’t get any more seeds. The highlight of the past few weeks was being able to fly a kite. That sounds silly, eh? I had been sent 2 great kites from my friend Peter and never had a day with a good wind to get it off the group. The other day it was gusty and perfect. The best part about it, was that a Sans man happened to walk by and was mesmerized by the whole thing. I gave him the string and let him control it. His eyes lit up and his smile broadened. I will never take the phrase ‘go fly a kite’ lightly again.

Thursday, June 11 - Tuesday, June23:
Monotony…routine… As I close in on 5 remaining months, I find myself running out of things to do. Between now and August, I must release control over my main projects and slip into a supportive role for my last 3 months. I need to make sure they are running on their own without any help from me. That everyone is thinking for themselves. That also means that the last 3 months will be REALLY boring. I have decided to finish the Rukwangali dictionary that I started last year AND seeing that yesterday a bulldozer knocked down a couple dead trees AND the building we had started demolishing a year ago, I’ve decided that I will re-visit my clinic beautification project.
As things start to come down to the wire, I have - a few times - gone to that dark, comparing, ‘did I do everything I could’, ‘I’m such a failure’ place. I quickly sms’ed some friends and they brought me out quickly. I refuse to leave here thinking I didn’t do enough or should have done something better. I have done everything to the best of my ability and the lives of these people are changed because of it. I have faith in that. I NEED to have faith in that.

Wednesday, June 24 - Monday, July 13:
It’s really that my life hasn’t become so busy that I cannot keep up with my journaling. Seriously. That’s not it. It’s more that this is just my life now and the things that used to ‘stand out’ in a given day or make life more interesting are now just a part of the ordinary. From time to time, small things occur that remind me that I’m actually living in Africa and I can’t just get in my car and drive to Wendy’s for a frosty.
I will mention something that struck me a few weeks…well, actually about a month ago. During NID (National Immunization Days) I helped out at the clinic keeping statistics and paperwork. I also took sweets with me and whenever it was time for a child to get a shot, I gave them candy. At one point I look up at the line of children waiting their turn and I see the cutest, most adorable little girl. She sees me and I smile big and her eyes twinkle and she smiles so big she has to close her eyes. She then turns her head into her mother’s dress to hide from embarrassment. This little girl is from a nearby San community. This little girl has Down’s Syndrome. It was so apparent to me. She lit up my WHOLE day! We played and joked with one another the entire time she was waiting and then she was gone.
I spent the rest of the day in such a funk. The realization of the life this little girl has ahead of her made me so incredibly sad. She already is living in one of the poorest communities within one of the poorest African countries. She then has a mental disability to boot. I’m sure her mother sees there is something different about her, but there is NO way she understands what it is or even if it was explained, would grasp the special attention this girl is going to need.
I had watched her mother - with all 4 children in tow - walk away from the clinic. She was treating the little girl like a piece of dirt on her dress. To her, she just has a daughter that doesn’t listen to what she says and is just a nuisance. I know the way things work here. This little girl is going to be ‘discarded’ emotionally. Her parents will continue to be frustrated with her and ignore her as she doesn’t advance like their other kids. People will get drunk and make fun of her. When she becomes a teenager and her body develops, she will become a target for some drunk fuck and she will be raped.
I realize how that sounds. It sounds as if I’m a pessimist and just seeing the absolute worst scenario I could possibly imagine. But the reality, is that it’s NOT far from the truth. This will be her life.
I’ve seen her a couple of times since then. I always drop what I’m doing and go to her and she raises her little hands for me to pick up. She just stares at me and smiles and touches my face with her filthy little fingers. I am falling in love with this little girl. I want to just pluck her up from her current reality and give her a better life. I realize when most people do this or consider doing this by adopting children from 3rd world countries, that it’s SUCH an American ego thing to do. Who are WE to decide that what we can give a child is ‘better’. Better than what? It’s US doing the comparison of our lives in the states to their lives in their own countries. BUT!!!!!!! I do have to say. In this particular case. I can’t imagine that anything I could give this child would be worse than the life she has ahead of her.
When I see things like this, it makes me question the existence of God. I consider myself a spiritual person and have always believed there is a higher power - call it whatever you want. Not a guy with a book and a #2 pencil, but a power just the same. I’ve also always believed that this power is all loving, just, tender and kind. But….how does something like this situation fit into the scheme of the world? How can the majority of the world go about it’s daily life, when THIS is going on in the world at the same time? It just confuses me.

Tuesday, July 14 - Saturday, July 18:
I’m sitting here, Saturday night, waiting for my vegetables to finish roasting and then settling in for dinner and a movie. Sounds like I’m back in the states actually. I’m having one of those moments where the weight of my experience here is weighing heavily down on me.
Have I done enough? Could I have done what I DID do better? Could I still do more? What will happen after I leave? Have I learned what I came here to? Do I have more growing to do? Oddly enough, I’ve been thinking about Mark. Not in the since that I am deeply missing him. I do miss him. More in the sense of thinking about our relationship. Heck, I’m actually thinking about ALL my past relationships. So new questions arise…why am I afraid to love? Afraid to accept love from someone else? Why is my self-esteem and worth so low? What can I do to change those things? AND…while I ponder those questions…revelations come forth. I am a strong, confident man. Secure in himself, his decisions, his actions…his life. Sort of a dichotomy.
I have promised myself that when I finish my PC service and return home, that I’m going to do and approach things very differently - ESPECIALLY relationships. I think back to the men I’ve dated and the majority of them REALLY, TRULY loved me. Loved me with all their heart. I’ve had A LOT of love thrown my way in my life. And for the most part, I’ve rejected it. I know most of the reasons why and I don’t want to rehash the same old shit. I just want to move forward. How does one do that? If I’ve learned from my past, how do I put it aside and move forward? Is it always something will just be hanging around - like the 3 people Russell Crowe kept seeing in ‘A Beautiful Mind’? Is that what our past is? Ghosts. Ghosts that haunt us until we die? Is it more about not giving them the power they used to have over us than it is about completely eliminating them?
I deserve love and happiness, just like everyone else. I do believe that. More so these days than ever before.
I guess I’m just trying to get to a place emotionally so that when I leave Mpungu Vlei on November 27, 2009 that I walk away crying with a smile on my face. Knowing with my whole heart that I did what I came here to do. Knowing that myself and those I leave behind have been touched by my presence here. Knowing that I did my best. Knowing that I leave behind many demons that I trampled in the isolation. Knowing that I am a stronger, more confident, more secure man that I was when I arrived. Knowing that I will return to the States a changed person. Knowing that I can give and receive love. Knowing that whatever lies ahead of me is going to be an amazing, powerful adventure. Knowing that I know….that I know.

Sunday, July 19 - Monday, July 27:
Couple highlights of the past week. First, and the best, is that Hogan now loves riding on my shoulders. You would think this would be a pretty standard place to put children under the age of 3. What I’ve discovered is that in Namibia, it is not. Just about everyone just laughs out loud when they see him and I walking around. The best part, is that when they laugh, he laughs. He has also decided that my head makes the perfect drum and just screams with delight as he bangs on it with his hands.
The other, and well I guess this is more of a low point, than a highlight…but it sticks out just the same. I’ve talked about the feeding program that we have been trying to get off the ground for a few months now. So far, it’s running smooth. We do come across snags from time to time and have worked through them. One of the biggest snags is that the managing catering company that ‘runs’ the kitchen keeps placing enforcing all these new rules. That’s fine. Cleanliness is important. Problem is, is that Lyambezi doesn’t monitor the actual kitchen staff when the company isn’t around and so when I try to enforce the rules with the 2 ladies running the feeding program, I get flack.
Well, I finally talked to them and said, no matter what anyone else does, let’s set the example. We don’t want to be kicked out for something stupid. They understood. And they have been. Well, yesterday, the head guy was here. Lyambezi informed me that we could no longer use the kitchen? When asked why, he said we weren’t following the rules. I was furious. I explained to him that we were. He had an idea to move the gas stove to another area so we wouldn’t be IN the kitchen.
He started talking to the manager again. I waited for a low point in the conversation to stand up for my women. I had only said a few words when the man started yelling at me and trying to make me feel like an ass. ‘Who are you to talk to me this way? I don’t even know you? You need to learn how things are done here! Don’t talk to me’. And other things. Also, never even acknowledging me or looking me in the face. Well…anyone who knows me KNOWS I don’t like confrontation like this and whe it happens, something in me snaps and I can’t keep my mouth shut. It took ALL MY CONTROL to not lash out at him. But…I swallowed my pride, kissed his ass for several minutes and resolved the issue. The issue was resolved in a few sentences which if he would have just listened to me from the get go, could have saved me feeling like shit. I have to say…it’s times like this I just want to give Namibia the finger and walk away. It’s times like this that my ego jumps in and says ‘HEY, I came 9,000 miles and gave up 2 years of my life to help this country out and this is how you treat me in return?’. I realize it’s a childish place to retreat to, but I’m only human and being so, I allow myself to go to those places from time to time - at least until I evolve to a place where I no longer need to. When will that be by the way?

Tuesday, July 28 - Sunday , August 16:
I am absolutely blown away at how fast time is moving here. I blink and 2 weeks have passed. Things have been going very well. A small hiccup from time to time, but otherwise, smooth. We finally got the projector back and the theater is up and running again, so that’s great! The big news is how the next 30 days of my life is going to go.
Tuesday, is our end of term OVC party, so I will be cooking most of the day tomorrow for that. I already backed one cake today. Wednesday I will pack and clean and prepare to depart Thursday. When Damien finishes school, we will travel to Rundu for the night, then head to the Cheetah Conservation Fund on Friday. We are going to spend the weekend monitoring cheetahs - and hopefully feeding some babies. I’m MORE excited for Damien having this experience than myself.
Sunday we will hike back to Rundu where I will put him on a bakki heading back to Mpungu. I will remain to prepare for teaching an HIV workshop the entire next week. The workshop ends on Friday and then I head to Ovamboland for holiday. My holiday will end in Windhoek on September 7 because I have my COS conference with PC on the 8th and 9th. On the 10th, Dar and I will head to the Okavango Delta in Botswana for a few days as I make my way back north. Once back in Namibia, I will stay in Divundu for a weeklong micro-garden workshop. I have to arrange transport in the next few days for the 3 colleagues of mine from Mpungu that will be meeting me there. That training ends on the 18th of September. My fear, is that the EWA conference that has been postponed since June, will then start on the 18th, which means I have to try and get the 4 learners from Mpungu to Rundu on the last day of the workshop that I’m attending in Divundu. Whew. I’m tired just thinking about it. I know it will all work out it’s just scary to think how packed the next 4 weeks are. Once I return to site, I have 2 months left. 2 months! Whew again.

Monday, August 17 - Sunday, August 23:
This past week has been very busy getting ready to leave on Thursday with Damien. I spent the rest of Sunday baking one of the orange cakes and then Monday baking the other and cooking the lentil curry and pasta salad for the OVC Party on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and it was exhausting and yet the most fun I’ve had in quite some time. We had a water balloon toss, played a Rukwangali version of Pictionary that I made and ate and watched a movie. The kids had a blast!
Wednesday was a day of tying up loose ends. I tried to make sure everything was set - the movie theater, the feeding program, etc - to run smoothly while I was gone. With everything in order, I felt comfortable leaving for a month.
Thursday, I finished packing and waited for Damien to get done with his exams at school so we could head to the hike point. Around 9:30 he arrived, we loaded up and headed out. Within a few minutes of just walking on the road, we snagged a ride to Nepara. Within moments of there, we caught a ride to Nkurenkuru. I was very excited for Damien to be with me because that was as far as he’s ever been his whole life.
Once we were on our hike to Rundu, it was great fun watching him watch everything! He’d never even seen a tarred road before. Once there, we dropped our stuff off at the TRC and then walked into town to get him some lunch. He was taking everything in. We ate and then bought some groceries for the hike the next day. I’ve been worried about trying to free hike with him - not sure how it was going to work. We ran into Rachel and Caleb who, we found out, had a ride to Groot the next day and the ride was going all the way to Windhoek, so Damien and I were set for Otjiworongo.
Friday, we arrived there fairly quick and met up with Rachel and Kami who were also doing the waterhole count. We hung around Otji for a few hours until Nick and the staff came to pick us up. We made it out to the Conservation just as it got dark, were treated to a great dinner and then some instructions for the next day. They we were taken to the camp to sleep.
Saturday, we were up very early in order to be transported to our particular waterhole. The place where Damien and I were going to be for the next 12 hours was the first stop. We made ourselves comfortable in our little building and began the wait. It wasn’t long before the first few foxes showed up. This was followed by warthogs. At first the warthogs were sort of interesting but throughout the day, and after a couple thousand of them arriving, they became old news.
The day was filled with surprises for both Damien and I. We saw a whole herd of Oryx - which are my favorite animal in the country. They are beautiful. We then saw some zebra and a few giraffes stopped by. They were the first Damien had ever seen. More than seeing the animals, I enjoyed spending the time with Damien. One on one - he and I spent a lot of time talking and he was very good at spotting the animals and letting me know what sex they were. I was disappointed that he didn’t get to see any cheetahs cause it’s all he talked about.
After 12 hours - which actually FLEW by, we were picked up and taken back to the main house where dinner was waiting. After a quick review of the day, we all crashed. Sunday, after breakfast, they took us on a brief tour of the place including getting to see a ‘running’ of the cheetahs. The younger ones were not allowed to go in because cheetahs can sense youth and because very aggressive - seeing them as prey. When we walked by the cages, I noticed one of the cheetahs keeping an eye on Damien so I was glad they pulled him out. It was still very thrilling for him to see them so close.
Afterwards, Nick had us stay around because he had something extra special for the PC group. We got to return to the pen with them and hang out a bit - petting them and having our pictures taken. Though I had done that before, it was still quite fun. When finished with that, Nick presented us with certificates and T-shirts for the 2 learners that came. Though Damien was overwhelmed and somewhat shy, I could tell he had a really good time over the past few days. We were then transported to Otjiworongo to hike back to Rundu. We got a lift really quick when we ran into Kerri on her way back from dropping off Cedar. We arrived too late for me to get Damien a ride back to Mpungu, so we just decided to send him back on Monday.

Monday, August 24 - Saturday, September 12:
I got up early wand walked Damien to the bakki ring, gave him money for the hike and said goodbye. I then went to the TRC to plan the first day of the HIV workshop. Though I was nervous about it, I was also excited because I was challenging myself. I’m glad I haven’t done a lot of workshops since I’ve been here because for me, they are quite boring…but this one was going to be fun.
The next week was spent about the same every day. The morning working on the plan for that afternoon, then spending 2 hours in the classroom with the group. They were a good group and after a few days, we had found our groove. The class went well and I was somewhat impressed with myself that I was able to sort of, pull it out of my ass.
Having not talked to Sarah about her specific plans, I was unaware that she and her cousin from England who was visiting, were heading to Oshikati on the back road. I had planned on hiking down on Monday, after spending the weekend with Kami at the Buffalo Game Park. I quickly changed my plan (for sake of a free ride) and switched my afternoon session with a morning one so I could hike back to Nkurenkuru and ride with them on Saturday.
It was fun to finally see that strip of road that I had stared at on the map for the last 2 years. I had been trying to get in touch with my friend Kris for the past few weeks - to no avail, so I was smsing Kengo and made plans to stay with him in Odangwa. At the last minute, Kris phoned and asked me to PLEASE stop by with the girls. We did and she had a little lunch set out for us. After eating, the girls left and I stayed with Kris. It was awesome to catch up with her. After some discussion, it was decided that I would borrow her car for the remainder of my trip, because she needed her car to be in Windhoek in the next few weeks.
Sunday we went to ‘Benny’s’ Park which was like a waterpark - pool, slide, animals in cages. It was sort of tacky beyond all belief and yet I hadn’t seen anything like it since being here…so I enjoyed it. Monday, I hiked to Opuwo via Ruacana, to spend a day or 2 with Obie and see the Hemba. I was a long day and yet very interesting one. At one point I was picked up by an Indian guy who took me to his shop for an easier hike. He introduced me to a Cuban guy who could give me a lift and while standing around talking, a Pakistani came up and joined the conversation. The Indian guy then made a comment about how we were all from different parts of the world - some parts that didn’t get along with others - and yet here we were all far from home, having a conversation and getting along. The Cuban then said that it was the governments that fight, not the people. It was a very cool 5 minutes.
By dusk I had made it to Opuwo - passing the Diversity bus along the way. Opuwo is a very touristy place because of the traditional Hemba. I took a bucket bath because the water was off at the house and settled in for the night. The next day I went out exploring while Obie worked. I ended up sitting for a few hours outside the grocery store talking to some street kids. They hung out there and offered to watch people’s cars for a dollar. They were trying to convince me that they used the money to support their families but as I watch and commented to them, whenever they got a few bucks, it would quickly be spent on sweets and biscuits. I think what they really need is attention…much more than money. If I did a full 2 years of PC again, I would HAVE to be at an orphanage or working specifically with kids. That’s where my heart is. Maybe that’s where I’ll look for a job back in the states.
That night Obie and I walked up the hill to a nice lodge to have a beer and watch the sunset. The next morning I got up early to catch a hike back to Oshikati. I got one right away with the mayor of Opuwo and within a few hours, was back at Kris’s. I did some laundry, worked out, had lunch and chilled waiting for her to get back from Tsumeb with her car. We chillaxed the remainder of the day and the next I took off to Etosha. It was a little nerve wracking driving at first - not having driven in almost 2 years AND driving with the steering wheel on a different side AND on a different side of the road. After about an hour, I relaxed and it because old hat.
Entering Etosha was breathtaking. I had done a safari before - when I first got to Namibia - but it was much different driving through a game park at your own pace. I quickly saw Zebra and Oryx and many other antelope type animals. I stopped at the main lodge for petrol to discover they were out of unleaded. I was told I could use that leaded and it would be fine. I only filled up a little. For the next several hours I wound my way through the park. Seeing herds of giraffe walking along the plains was brilliant. By the end of the day when I had given up hope seeing elephants or rhinos, I came upon a water hole were 8 large packiderms were hanging out. Wow. Sitting there in the car, just watching these magnificent animals drink and play. The trip was made! At one point it looked as though 2 might actually be courting one another. When the one got an erection, it was quite funny to the crowd of people that had gathered.
I made my way to Outjo by nightfall and took a room at a guesthouse. It’s been such a sense of freedom driving my own car today. Having to rely on other people for the past 2 years for rides to everywhere, you sort of loose your sense of self. This was the first time I’d felt really ‘in control’ of my life in FAR too long. It was brilliant.
The next day I filled up the car and headed to the Skeleton Coast. I stopped by the entrance to the petrified forest and bought some crafts. As I continued my journal westward there were fewer and fewer people and the landscape became ‘Mars’ like. It was beautiful. Upon entering Skeleton Coast Park, it became even more beautiful. The mountains replaced by large sand dune and the temperature dropping at least 10 degrees. I became concerned that I might run out of gas and be stuck here in the middle of nowhere. The man at the gate assured me I could purchase petrol at Mile 108. Once I got there and asked if they had it, they said they did. They then informed me that there was no electricity so they couldn’t pump it. Lol. So I’m thinking I’m screwed. The attendant (who was living in a place that reminded me of the Martian Chronicles), said that Cape Cross lodge carried petrol and they were 40k away. I got in my car and prayed. The marker was right above the E. Could I make it? Let’s see. I drove quickly, counting the miles as I went. Just as the petrol light came on, I saw the entrance to the lodge. I pulled in with great relief.
Once there, I discovered that they charge DOUBLE for petrol what a regular station does. I was furious and yet laughing the whole time. I even told they guy how clever it was that they do that - SCREW people who are in dire situations. He just laughed, not understanding that I was slamming him in the process. At 14 dollars a liter, I could only buy 5 - hoping that was enough to get me 50k to Hentie’s Baai. It was.
Outside of the concern about running out of gas, the drive was amazing. It was some of the most beautiful parts of the country I had seen yet. And seriously…if they faked the lunar landing of the 60s…they did it here!
I arrived in Swakopmund later that day and crashed at my friend Denver’s. The next day I met up with some other PCVs staying there and we drove to Walvis Bay to see and climb Dune 7. Though it’s not the biggest Dune in Namibia (or the world for that matter), it is one of the most famous. It was exhausting! Trying to make it to the top. I felt so out of shape. When we did make it, the views were spectacular.
That night we had sushi and I crashed on the floor. NOT the most comfortable and restful sleep I’ve had, I will say. The next day people were leaving and I had planned on heading back to Windhoek to hang with Shimon for a day. I was quickly talked into staying in Usakos because some Japanese volunteers were going to teach us how to make sushi. How can one pass that up? It ended up being another amazing night of cultural diversity. The JIKA volunteers were amazing and hell, I learned to make sushi. I cannot wait to try doing it on my own.
The next morning, Chris, Eric, Nick and I headed to Windhoek. We decided to stop by Okahandja and say hello to the newest group (Group 30) who had just arrived a few weeks earlier. We were scolded later by PC for just ‘stopping by’ which I felt was absurd. I then drove to Windhoek and dropped them at the PC office with the bags while I returned the car. It ended up all working out that we made the movie ‘District 9’ without a hitch. The movie was great and I think even more so because we understand apartheid and ‘locations’ more so from living here.
The next 2 days were spent at the Safari Hotel for COS conference. It was a lot of paperwork, a lot of contemplation and a lot of food. Each meal was an all you can eat buffet Of course we went crazy but at the same time, I felt guilty. I am vowing not to eat at those type of places upon returning to the states. Time was also spent gathering new media for the next few months at site. Wow…’few months at site’. Seems weird that it’s finally down to that.
Sarah and I stayed in Windhoek for an extra day for different reasons and I saw another movie. Yesterday we hiked back to Rundu (it feels very good to be back in the north). I forgot to mention that from Swakopmund to Windhoek I was sick. Stuffed up and coughing. The first time I’d been sick this entire time. Only now and I starting to feel better.
I’m ready to be home (at site) and finish my final months here. There’s a lot to be done - in preparation for leaving - and I need to emotionally get myself ready. There are many things I’m going to miss about Namibia and sure, many things I won’t. Overall, I’m going to miss my OVCs. I’ve grown very attached to them and they me.

Sunday, September 13 - Sunday, September 20:
Well…this first week back to site has been hellish and probably the worst since I’ve been here - with it hitting it’s crescendo on Thursday morning. Here goes…
Not sure if I had mentioned that while I was gone there was a problem with people being able to access the garden tools because VCT Fanuel had kept the key. Also, my supervisor took a teaching position at the teacher’s college in Rundu and left Mpungu. So I come back knowing I have to face Fanuel AND do it alone…sort of.
So, Monday I go to his office to ask about some things and he lays into me. Starts accusing me of all sorts of things and lying about things that he hasn’t done that I know he has. What made it more frustrating is that I had no support in the matter. Lyambezi is gone and Elizabeth, the new supervisor, was in Rundu all week. Fanuel was telling me he wouldn’t give me the money from the past event, telling me he wouldn’t tell me who won the suitcase from the drawing (someone had told me HE took it home) and our conversation just ended in a stalemate. He also wanted me to provide proof of the deposits that I was making on behalf of Veronica’s loan payment - it became obvious quickly to me that he was taking advantage of Lyambezi not being here. He was trying to get everything he could - a suitcase, get out of paying me money his wife owes me and God knows what else.
So the meat of the week I did nothing. I wasn’t supposed to be here because of the garden training, but it had been cancelled. So I wasn’t meeting with my OVCs. I asked Fanuel to make a radio announcement so that we could have a meeting on Thursday and discuss all these issues. On Thursday, no one showed. That didn’t surprise me at all but it was still irritating because I felt these things needed to be addressed quickly - before they got too out of hand. Fanuel did come to my house to tell me no one was showing up and he and I got into it. We went back and forth for about an hour. By the end, when he left, I was so emotionally drained. I just felt like ‘what the fuck?’. Everything I’ve done since I’ve been here has not been for me. It has been for the good of the people here and the community and to be accused of stealing or lying and letting people down? I was naked.
I decided very quickly that I needed to get away. I packed a bag and headed to the hike point - only to be picked up and quickly and taken for free (it was a sign). I wasn’t in the back of the bakki 15 minutes when I started laughing. I remember a conversation with God only weeks before where I complained about being insecure and not being able to stand up for myself. I told God that I was tired of living that way. That I had gone 40 years like that and enough was enough. Well, look what happened. I was given an opportunity where I needed to be VERY strong and completely defend myself ALONE, without any support. And guess what…I did. I stood there for an hour backing up everything I was saying and being true to myself - hence the reason I was laughing. I had asked for this opportunity and it was given to me. I was very thankful.
Once at Sarah’s we talked and she quickly helped me wash away the remainder of doubt still lingering in my head. She’s so GOOD for me. The next couple days were amazing with a birthday party at Selma’s and Catan and pizza with Rachel and Caleb. It was exactly what I needed and I returned Saturday refreshed and renewed.
At the theater, I apologized to MY Fanuel about the situation I had put him in. See, he was there during VCT Fanuel and I’s spat and there was a moment when VCT accused my Fanuel of not being able to be a part of the garden. Thus, Fanuel had to come clean about his status. I felt awful that he had been put in that situation and I hadn’t been able to steer the conversation a different way. Regardless, I felt the need to say I’m sorry. He was fine and he actually said it made him think that in order to feel good about himself, he needed to be more open about his status.
The next day, Sunday, Fanuel came to visit me and we had an amazing talk. He was having a serious dilemma about whether to open about being positive. It felt right and felt like the time and I came out to him. Telling him about my decision to talk openly about something that I had kept private. He was very cool about it and it made him really contemplate his decision. I don’t know what he will end up doing, but at least now he has an idea how to go about it and what might become of it later.

Monday, September 21 - Sunday, September 27:
This past week was a typical rollercoaster. The highlight was having the kids of the new VSOs come to speak to my younger OVC group. They LOVED having these highly energetic white kids hanging out with them. The kids put on a little presentation about Canada and their home town. It was awesome. I introduced paper mache to the older ones but made a mistake when I thought the balloons would last a week before putting another layer on. The heat of this place has caused them all to go flat, so we have to start all over next week - they will just have to come a few days in a row.
I also put out some of the fire with Fanuel by having a discussion with him and Elizabeth. I still don’t trust this guy but hell, I leave soon so I really don’t need to get stressed out about it. We still need to have a discussion with the main group (we just can’t get anyone to show up for the meetings) and I need a sit down with him and Veronica about the sewing business.
Friday I was going to show a movie at the school but was just tired and was invited to dinner with the newbies. I needed the break and anyways, it rained! It never rains this early. It made the evening very nice and cool. The newbies also called me to let me know they were in Rundu at the Forestry place and if I wanted them to bring me back some trees. See…remember when I was whining about wishing the others here would consider me more? I look back and think maybe I was just vulnerable from just arriving but honestly, I was just looking for a little consideration. So…of course, I LOVE these new guys. Canada isn’t that far from Cincy, is it? Lol
This weekend I spent alone, chilling out. I showed a movie Saturday night and played with Jafet and Sakeus today. Water fights ROCK! Had a small dilemma when Fanuel (my Fanuel) sms me from Rundu (he, Selma and Jesaya are on their way to a garden training in Divundu) to tell me the money I gave him for transport was stolen and he had no way of getting them to the training. I told him very sternly that it was HIS problem and they HAD to go. He figured it all out and they are on their way. Honestly?....I can’t wait to get out of here.

Monday, September 28 - Sunday, October 18:
I honestly hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d written. My apologies. The 3 made it back from the garden training and they LOVED it. I just didn’t get to spend much time with them before taking off to Windhoek for the final time for medical stuff. The highlight of the last few weeks is this…I was very close to being administratively separated from PC - here’s why:
Remember back when I was on vacation and Kris gave me her car? Well, one of the PC rules is that we are not allowed to drive when not on approved leave. I get that. I messed up with when my vacation day ended and it became a travel day to the COS conference. Remember when we stopped by the training center to greet the newbies??? Well, that is what got me caught and also what saved me. I met with the temporary country director last Monday to discuss all of this. He was just and fair - even though the entire time I never thought I had done anything wrong. After 45 minutes in the hot seat, he informed me that he was not going to let me go but that I should be on my best behavior for the final 7 weeks. Feeling under-appreciated?? You betcha! I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life busting my hump here in my village and a simple mistake of miscalculating my vacation leave could get me booted out of the country? What the fuck??!?!?!
What I’ve discovered since then is even more shocking. I made a point about why wasn’t this handled with MY CD, Hannah Baldwin when I was in Windhoek for COS? He said it was because things take time and they have to get approval from DC. That’s fine. What I’ve heard floating around the rumor mill is that my APCD DID bring it up with Hannah and she being fair and just and well, just plain smart, squashed it. My APCD then proceeded to hold onto it in order to ‘try again’ with the new, temporary guy. How does she think I am supposed to feel about all of this? She has obviously gone out of her way to eliminate me. Well, not ME, per se, but she’s been dying to kick someone out. Here’s my main beef: what kind of message does this send to volunteers? You look to your APCD for support and yet you are getting policed in hopes of being used as an ‘example’.
It really infuriates me that people give up 2 years of their very comfortable lives to go abroad and try to give something back and yet they could be discarded so non-chalantly (spelling?) because of simple mistakes. Things are NOT black & white PC…the world we live in is VERY grey…get a clue.
Outside of that my medical stuff went well - no cavities or parasites. I was really itching for a parasite. On one hand I can say that I kicked Namibia’s ass and on the other, I have no sickness stories to brag about.
I have 37 days left. I have 37 days left and a shitload of work to do in a short amount of time. I am ready to leave but honestly, as I sat earlier and watched the sunset while brushing Efuta, I choked up a bit. I am going to miss this place and many of the people I have grown to love. The bullshit I won’t miss. Everything else…definitely.
On a completely different note, while in Windhoek last week, I discovered an ‘American’ food section at a local market. They had Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, La Choy noodles, M&Ms, Mini-Wheats, Bush’s Baked Beans, Campbell’s soup and Hunt’s ketchup. I stood there for the longest time…tearing up. Time to get home? You betcha!

Monday, October 19 - Tuesday, October 27:
Well, the shit that was hitting the fan a few weeks back has sort of worked itself out while throwing some new shit in my face.
I think I have sifted through some of the turmoil with the VCT counselor. We seem to have an understanding. I still don’t think he’s the most trustworthy person, but all that aside, I need to have some faith and release some control. After I leave, I can’t do anything about what continues and what doesn’t. He paid the money he owed from the last event, took charge of the next one, we addressed the garden issues, organized the feeding program and he even sent the bike to be repaired.
The new shit, has to do with my buddy Fanuel and the bank he was a part of briefly earlier this year. Come to find out some serious money has disappeared and with all the finger pointing, he is being accused of the theft. I find it interesting that the one person I trust the most in this place, keeps getting into situations like this AND is one of the least trusted members of the community. He did confide in me that when he was younger, he was a rough kind of guy and was into drugs and has served time in jail. People tend to be unforgiving and definitely unFORGETTING here in Namibia. I believe that when they see him, they only see his past and he’s the first to be blamed for things going wrong. I tend to have the opposite view. The harder the life someone has had, I feel the stronger that person eventually becomes.
All that said, he has to go to Rundu in order to find work to come up with the money which means the theater is not going to run after I leave. If he comes up with the money before I leave and returns, we are fine, otherwise there isn’t anyone I trust enough to take it over. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Also, with my NOT GREAT relationship with my APCD, I really have no one to talk to about it. I could give the new country director a try, I suppose.
Other than all of that, things are good. I am becoming very melancholy as the days wind down and at the same time, anxious for the final day to get here. It’s a weird feeling. I have a busy weekend ahead with 2 days of shopping for the OVC Bookmark Project, then a Halloween party with the other PCVs. Sarah and I are going as naked calendar models…how original. It should be a blast and it’s sort of our farewell since we aren’t going to make it to the Thanksgiving shindig. Once back from the weekend, time will really fly. I have 2 weeks of work, 1 week of packing up and saying goodbye and then I’m outa here. Weird.