Turkey and pick-pocketing. What more can one be thankful for!

Saturday, November 1 - Sunday, November 2:
Saturday was mainly spent recuperating…and I do mean recuperating. We had pancakes, ran some errands in town and then went to the Bavaria to go swimming. Swimming. In this heat…it was fantastic. Back at Mag’s Sarah and I made burgers, we watched some SNL skits about Sarah Padin (or Palin?) and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up long enough to transfer my body from there to Sarah’s tent outside.
Sunday, after sleeping in a bit, we all headed to the PC office and then some of us went grocery shopping while the other west Kavango-ites figured out how to get us home. Lindsey and Sarah roped us a bakki but that put us three guys in the back and I was already sunburned from the day before. So I lathered on the sunscreen and bundled up best I could so as not to have blisters by the time I arrived home. The trip was long and rough but we made it in one piece. Sarah and I spent the afternoon watching Weeds Season 4 while I waited for Efraim to pick me up for my final leg.
Around 5 he showed up and as I began carrying my crap to the car, I notice there is one of the cleaning ladies from the clinic with him. No big deal, just means I am riding in the back…no problem. Then, I notice the corpse in the back. Yes. Corpse. Dead person. Dead person wrapped in a sheet. Now…I don’t mention this to gross anyone out or because I freaked out in any way. The funny thing about this, was that it didn’t phase me at all. I mean, I just started putting my groceries in the back, in the spaces between the dead person and the sides of the truck. It didn’t even PHASE me. I was all set to climb in the back WITH the corpse and ride my hour home. It really stunned me that this was not bothering me on any level. Well, the only level it was affecting me on was I felt like I was being dis-respectful putting my feta cheese next to the foot of this dead person, lol. It ended up that I was cramming in front with the others, but…just the same…I was all set to ride in the back.

Monday, November 3 - Wednesday, November 5:
The last three days have been wonderfully busy. Monday we had our meeting and then in the afternoon, I got things ready for the next 2 days of garden training. Tuesday we had the first half of the training. I had told them that they were not getting lunch but that I would supply food for tea break. Now..if I haven’t stressed this yet…tea break tends to be a big deal in Namibia and what’s funny about it is that people who don’t even have food to eat, still take tea break.
I did not have the money or resources to make some big to do over it, so I bought bread and jam and jam and refridgerated some water. I figured sandwiches and ice cold ‘mema’ would be sufficient. Not 5 minutes after I handed out the food, one of the women complained about ‘not being satisfied’. I was SO irritated. I know I probably shouldn’t be, but it just hit me wrong. I kept my feelings to myself and apologized to her that that was all I had. Ironically, she is a member of UMYA and one of the people who complained about the food THEY had during THEIR training. I guess it’s just hard for me to understand how someone who doesn’t get to eat 3 times a day would complain about ANY food they receive. Is it just me or does that not make sense?
Tuesday afternoon I had my OVCs and we had a blast. I introduced some HIV education and they seemed to grasp it though I was worried they were a tad young. Although, Reino is 5 and when I asked about sex he knew that that’s what people did to get pregnant, lol.
Today we prepared seed beds in the garden and I was thankful it wasn’t that hot and there was a breeze. We didn’t plant as much as I thought we were going to and I am hoping that they go enough out of the training to keep going forward. I certainly don’t know anything about gardening. Tea break rolled around again and still…another issue. A lady showed up today just before we broke - she had not attended the training the day before. When I was passing out the sandwiches, she stepped up to receive one. I explained to her that she was not getting one because she has not been working in the garden today. It only made sense to me AND I was completely out of bread. She gave me the dirtiest look and walked away. One of the other ladies gave her half of hers. When we went back to plant and finish the day, she walked off. I guess she was stilled tee’d about the bread. Here’s my deal though…there tends to be an attitude in this culture of getting something for nothing. People don’t volunteer here unless they are getting paid for it. People don’t attend workshops unless they are being fed or get a t-shirt or certificate. No one - or MOST people - don’t do anything just to benefit themselves from the experience itself. So I really DIDN’T want to give this woman a sandwich just because she showed up at the time we were handing them out. That may make me a total asshole in some people’s minds but as far as the group of people I’m working with…I want them to learn responsibility. If you show up for meetings, if you help with events, if you do your share in the garden…you will be rewarded. However…you will NOT be rewarded just for being there. You must do the work. I’m sure I will hear more about this as the week progresses and have to deal with it, but I am standing my ground.

Thursday November 6 - Saturday, November 8 (around noon):
I thought I would journal early today because in the afternoon Sarah, Lindsey, Stephanie and Christine arrive for an AIDS Club event at the school so I’m sure I will busy until night. I had planned on taking it easy on Thursday but ended up filling the day with stuff that now I can’t remember. I worked in my garden a bit because the rain storm from the other night has wiped out a few of my beds. I have to admit, I should have done a more organized job in planting. I planted not marking rows or beds thinking it would just be a fun surprise to see what grows where after I forget what I put where. Lol - NOT a good idea. Big problem - you don’t know what’s a weed and what’s a vegetable. Some things are doing well - butternut squash, zucchini, peppers, but the rosemary hasn’t started at all and NONE of my tomatoes are going. I wonder if it’s because the seeds are from the states? I do have one decent tomato plant growing on my back porch that I decided to transplant in the ground because it was starting to droop. I pray it survives because it actually has small maters growing on it.
Friday I put up shelves in one of the treatment rooms to help the nurses stay more organized and then I worked in the pharmacy until lunch A guy stopped by who had been a part of a project idea earlier in the year that had fizzled out. He wondered what was going on with it. I was like…nothing. The guy that was doing it with him never got all the information back to me and then joined the military. He also wanted to talk about some problems at his school - he’s a teacher. It was nice to actually counsel someone. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and watching some Sopranos. In the evening I took my computer to Alex and Vicky’s house to watch a movie. They decided to see a scary one and it was hysterical watching ’30 Days of Night’ with them. It was more difficult to explain how there are places on the planet that experience that long of a night than it was to explain that vampires do not exist.
This morning I had breakfast, watered my garden and finished cleaning. At around 9:30, while I was playing a game on my computer, two girls showed up at my door with 2 marmosets (spelling?). There are small, monkeylike animals that live in trees. They brought them to give to me to raise as pets. I mean, come on…what am I supposed to do with these things? If they had brought me an actual monkey, I may consider keeping it, lol. But these things are so small and so fragile that there is no way.

Sunday, November 9 - Sunday, November 16:
This is the longest I’ve gone without journaling at least somewhat daily and there is no way my memory is going to allow me to relay every event of the past 7 days. Just know that it’s been an insecurity testing week, lol. Before I get to that, lets get through the usual stuff. Very few people showed up in the meeting on Monday to work in the garden and plan the next event, so we postponed the event and because the tools were locked in Fanuel’s office, we couldn’t work in the garden. My OVC group was fun and we watched a movie about the Serengeti. I released Mike and Ike back into the wild because after 5 days they still had not eaten - or had appeared not to have eaten - and it made me nervous. Because Lyambezi, Fanuel and Gideon were all gone this week there was literally nothing for me to do (one of them usually works as my translator) so I had planned on heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday. I woke up that day nauseous and headachy so I stayed in bed most of the day. I did get up Thursday and after waiting 3 ½ hour for a hike at the point, found myself at Sarah’s place.
The rest of the weekend was fun, partying with SnL and the rest of the west side 26ers - they leave for the states in 2 weeks. Watching them prepare to leave made me a little jealous and at the same time, I was aware of how fast my time is going here. I honestly cannot believe it’s been a year and that less than 6 months ago I was freaked out about loneliness and wanted to come home.
Now…about me being tested. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m a ‘comparer’. Well, this entire past year I’ve been jealous of Sarah because she had Scot and Lindsey to hang with as she adapted to her life in Nkurenkuru. Though Christine and Alex were here, we did not and still have not developed the sort of bond where I would consider either of them friends. That has done 2 things: 1. Caused me to feel more lonely than I necessarily needed to feel and 2. Forced me to be on my own and integrate more - which, yes, is a positive. See, we have also found out that another married couple is replacing SnL so now Sarah has 2 new people to hang with - though, to her credit, she is very integrated into her community. I was told that Mpungu was getting 1 teacher to replace Alex and I got very excited. I though, hopefully, finally, I will have someone to hang out with. Play cards with at night or on the weekends. Just a familiar person to chill with. I have since found out there is not going to be a new PCV out here.
I think this entire past year I kept telling myself that at least when the new group comes along, there will be someone here. Now that’s not the case. On top of that, my only ‘real’ friend outside of Sarah, has been Jeff - who is stationed in the Caprivi. He went home this week because of medical stuff. He’s not coming back. So all of that made me realize how much I’ve relied on Sarah to ‘be there for me’ - though, yes, I have been there for myself most of the time. You still need someone, some kind of support through this experience. In watching Sarah and them interact this past weekend, I realized again how jealous I was of her friendships but then I want to this stupid place where I started doubting her liking me as a friend. I started comparing myself to Scot, to Lindsey and they fun they all seem to have together. I forget there is a 15 year age difference between myself and all of them so hanging out and drinking all the time is not enjoyable to me. Of course I’m not going to bond on the same levels and why should I expect to. But I do expect to. My insecurities make me feel like a burden to Sarah. Now…I realize that she in NO way feels that way about me and enjoys my friendship with her as much as she does with me…but that little devil pokes his head up (and has all weekend).
Yes…I just need to get over it and realize I’m a great guy and people enjoy hanging out with me and being friends with me and all that hallmark shit…but years of being friendless in school make that a difficult thing to accept.
I joined Peace Corps because I wanted to be tested and I wanted to grow. I came with these pre-conceived ideas of how exactly that would take place. I thought I would grow because I have to cook all my meals or hike to get anywhere or master another language or deal with the heat and new culture, etc. What has surfaced is that all that growth I wanted to take place IS taking place, but in ways that are much more difficult than the physical challenges I’m facing in being here.

Monday, November 17 - Thursday, November 20 (morning):
Okay, I could sit here and type and relate the past few days events but instead, I just need to bitch. I need to whine and bitch and moan and play the victim and be a little baby. I have finally had it with my pathetic fellow volunteers in Mpungu and I wish to GOD I had just been put here alone - it would have been easier.
I’ve griped about Christine and Alex before - being non-inviting and warm and not doing anything to make me feel welcome here. Well yesterday, I had to walk to the school to print something out at Dinah and Johns (who I”ll talk about in a minute). When I was headed back to my house there was a learner at the door of their house and Alex was there, so I naturally said ‘hey Alex’. Nothing. No acknowledgement. No ‘hey’ back. NOTHING. I then stepped into the inspector’s office to ask about a fax and when I came out (directly across from their front door), Christine was standing there speaking with a learner - I kept waiting for her to look up (she had to have seen me), I waved, said hello, again, NOTHING. Now granted, she was talking to someone, but hell, so fucking what! Wouldn’t a normal person at least wave back or smile or something? Well I got nothing from neither of them and that’s exactly what I’ve gotten since I arrived. Nothing. It just seems strange to me. If the situation were reversed I would have gone out of my way to make them feel welcome and comforted.
So then there’s Dinah and John. Now, I should say that John is a great guy and always has a smile on his face - so I’m speaking more about Dinah. Yesterday, when I went to make the print, I took her some sour apple Jolly Ranchers cause I knew she liked them and she was appreciative. Once again though, when we were speaking about them going to Rundu the next day, she kept saying, ‘sorry we’re full’. ‘sorry’. That’s all I’ve heard from her since I’ve met them. There have only been a few times I’ve asked for a ride and they are always ‘full’. Now…this is just me being a little baby, I know…but I guess I just hoped that after meeting and getting to know me that they would extend the same kindness to me as they have with Christine and Alex. Those 2 ALWAYS have a ride. ALWAYS. Why? Because Dinah and John offer them the ride FIRST. Then, if they aren’t going or there is room left over, they offer the space to learners. Never ONCE have they called me or mentioned ahead of time that they are going to Rundu and would I like or need a ride. Okay..once they did mention they were going to Nkurenkuru and I snagged a ride to do some grocery shopping. Is it just me or wouldn’t you just automatically offer the ride to the other volunteer - knowing they have to hike and pay so much to get to the town? Wouldn’t it just come naturally? It would to me. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense - either that, or I am just a crying baby who never gets his way. I can’t decide which is worse.
So yesterday, I asked if they could take a document that I needed faxing to Rundu with them. I had received a VAST document from PC to sign and fax back but NONE of the few faxes available in Mpungu were sending outgoing faxes. So..no biggie right? Simple. Send a fax. So Dinah says, we are leaving at nine, why don’t you meet us out by the road and hand it to us. What’s shitty about this, is that the road is a good 10 minute walk from my flat and yet it’s only a 45 second drive from the main road. In the past, I have always met them out by the road (not wanting to inconvenience them) when I have a favor for them to do. Well, in that moment, I was just pissed off. Why would make someone work that extra hard to accomplish something when everything is so hard here anyways AND it’s NOTHING for you to make it easier. I suggested that she text me when they were leaving and I would meet them in front of the clinic.
Last night, the network went down and this morning it was off as well. Now…I know I could have been pro-active and walked out to the road but I had just had it! I went about my morning routine and shortly after 9, Dinah, looking all haggard showed up at my door. I said good-morning and thanks for coming - that because of the network I was worried we would miss one another. Her only response to me was ‘then why didn’t you meet us at the road. I’ll fax this for you’. No hello. No, it’s no problem. NOTHING. I’m just so fucking tired of being treated this way by people who you would expect to be a little more on the compassionate side. So where’s the lesson for me? What am I to learn from being stuck this past year with 3 of the most miserable volunteers one could imagine? Or am I being punished for something in a former life? What the hell.
I know where Dinah is concerned that she is just British and that is the part of her that I have issues with. I realize with Alex that he is insecure and not very social inept. I know with Christine that she is also not very secure and has a lot of doubts about what she has done in the Peace Corps and what she is going to do in the future. But seriously, we all are dealing with our shit all the time but is that a reason to behave in such a manner?
I SO want to just write off Dinah and John and not really have anything to do with them unless I have to. Problem is, I sort of rely on them to print things from time to time or to laminate stuff. So what do I do? Do I limit my contact with them to strictly work related stuff when necessary? Or do I put on a fake smile, continue to have Thursday dinners with them after Christine and Alex leave? Peace Corps is hard enough - why do people have to make it that much more difficult.
On top of all of that shit, I’ve had some cranial nerve pain shooting through the left side of my head for the past 5 days and because of no network, I cannot contact the PCMO. If it continues another day or so I’m going to have to see a doctor. I’ve never felt anything like this and am sort of concerned it might be something more serious.

Thursday, November 20 - Saturday, November 22:
The rest of Thursday was uneventful and I didn’t spend any time figuring out what my 1 hour presentation on Saturday was going to be. Friday came and went with me working in the pharmacy a bit in the morning and then chillin’ the rest of the day. I kept telling myself to prepare something for the next day but everytime I sat down to do so, I felt blocked and well, fairly un-inspired. I went to bed with the belief that the HIV awareness event was going to be a failure and that I would freeze up when speaking to the men’s group. I was proven wrong on both accounts.
First - have I mentioned that the network has been out since Monday? Yep. I cannot text, call or check email - haven’t been able to for 5 days now. I’m sure that has added to the mood I’m in. At the same time, after 5 days without it…it’s not really that big a deal.
So, I woke this morning, had breakfast, watered my garden and before I knew it, Fanuel showed up to help set up. We hauled all the stuff from my place, moved a table and started hanging signs. Slowly, some others of the group showed up. Before I knew it, we had a crowd at 9 and people were amped to play the condom box game. Esther didn’t show up so I decided to run it temporarily - which turned into me running it the entire day. It was a HUGE success. The whole day went off great. I kept trying not to go to that place of ‘where is everyone that is supposed to be here’ and instead, just focused on how the day was going. We even fit in a condom demonstration and femdon demo. By noon, we had raised 185 bucks which will make our next event that much greater!
We did have one snag that I still stuck in my craw. The one nurse, of the head nurses that is, that was on staff - refused to draw blood. I was livid. I went to speak to her and sure, I could have probably handled it more democratically, but here’s the scoop. It takes SO much effort to organize these events and even MORE so to get people to willingly be HIV tested. For her to turn them away because she claimed to be ‘too busy’ or ‘tired’ sends the WRONG message to the community. The WORST message to the community. I was FURIOUS!! I told her I was going to report her to the Ministry of Health! I am going to have to have a long talk with my supervisor when he returns. I don’t care if she likes me or not after this or if any of the nurses take it personally but you CANNOT refuse to take someone’s blood when they have finally decided to get HIV tested in a country where the stigma is so big! You just can’t.
Other than that, the day was a success and everyone during lunch talked about how much fun they had. I’m really hoping they get into these events because they can run them on their own AND it does wonders in reducing stigma.
I then had about 2 hours before speaking to the church. Joanna - my OVC assistant - came by to see if I had any wrapping paper for a gift. I said I didn’t but showed her how she could make her own with some of my markers, a glue stick and a piece of old newsprint paper. So while she was doing that (I’m telling you, you are never ‘off’ as a Peace Corps volunteer), I sat down to prepare for speaking at the church. I was unusually calm about it and not worried and even as I drew a blank about what to say, I decided to just ‘wing it’.
I arrived at the church early, waited for the current speaker to finish, then took the floor. I had to do everything via a translator and I used a video on my computer about HIV. The hour FLEW by! The audience was engaged, I was NEVER fearful or nervous…it was cake! I had the men talking about things that culturally you don’t speak of in public - it was great. I walked away feeling completely confident…I then went and bought myself a Fanta, lol. It’s funny how this week has been very ‘trying’ in regards to my emotions, sensitivity, insecurity, etc. and then I’m given a gift of success to remind me why I am here. Regardless of how some days may seem to be, I’m learning to accept that there is a reason for me to be in Mpungu and there is a reason why I need to do this on my own - without other volunteers around - hell without a phone! This is hard. But…I’m growing.

Sunday, November 23 - Tuesday, November 25 (early afternoon):
Sunday came and went. I worked on my Christmas video for most of the day, took a walk and then watched a movie with Ruben and Sandra, his girlfriend. Monday, we had a our meeting and I tried to make the point about the garden not being watered as it should be. It seemed to go well but when the meeting was over and time to actually work in the garden, no one was available. I made more copies of the slideshow and then 3 boys stopped by to watch a movie. I introduced them to The Matrix - which they loved - mostly all the karate stuff.
This morning I’ve been preparing for my OVC group and getting ready to head out on Wednesday. I ran into Sandra (Ruben’s girlfriend) on my way to see Lyambezi. After he and I talked and I showed him the garden, I mentioned something about Ruben and going with him to Rundu. He then told me that Sandra was here because she tried to commit suicide last night by drinking some type of animal medication. What the F? I told him that if she needed to talk to someone, to tell her I was available. Well…her brought her over about an hour later.
She told me all about their relationship and Ruben’s infidelity (which didn’t surprise me at all given the mentality of most men in this country). I listened and offered some words of comfort and suggestions on how to move forward and she left feeling - or at least saying that she was feeling - better. This will certainly make the trip to Rundu with Ruben interesting.

Wednesday, November 26 - Sunday, November 30:
Yesterday, my OVC group was great as usual. We made piggy banks/keep sake containers out of old pill bottles I’d been saving from the pharmacy and then watched a movie about Antarctica. I could tell some of them were bored during the film, but they will remember what they saw whether they understood it at the time or not.
Wednesday morning Ruben stopped by to talk about his girlfriend, NOT knowing she had come by the day before to speak to me. I told him much of what I had said to her and that I would be happy to mediate for them if they were interested. We then decided to head to Rundu early and took off around 9. He had a lot of stops to make along the way so I reached town around 12:30.
Rach was off school so we went to lunch and mapped out the rest of the day. Over the next few days Jill, Ashley, Jessica, Thea, Griffin, Kaitlin, Juice, The Voice, Sarah and Steph made their way to Rundu for the big Thanksgiving bash scheduled for Saturday. It’s always great hanging out with the PCVs I don’t get to see that often and swapping stories. We went out on Wednesday for Rach’s b-day to the Kavango River Lodge. It has a great sunset view of the river and though it was cloudy we enjoyed the evening.
Thanksgiving day more showed up as the 26ers piled into Rundu for the last time. They all COS next week and so this is their farewell party as well as Thanksgiving celebration. Also, Joe, a PC Botswana volunteer that I had met on facebook came. It was nice to hang out with another gay PCV though I do have to say that he and I personality wise are very different. I’ve struggled with my own self-acceptance of my sexuality for years and have pretty much come to terms with it. I wish I just didn’t feel so uncomfortable around more effeminate men. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. It didn’t help that on top of that being his ‘personality’ that he as he drank, he became kind of a snobby bitch. THAT is something I cannot stand and I found myself apologizing to my friends about having invited him.
I ran errands throughout the few week days I was here in Rundu, having meetings - discovered all my trees for my orchard project are ready - I now just have to figure out transport to the village. Maggie had brought over her projector so we watched a lot of movies, SWAPPED a lot of movies and music - typical PC gathering.
Saturday we got up early and started cooking. I was in charge of 2 pumpkin cheesecakes. I did pretty well. We made them with yogurt instead of cream cheese (cause it doesn’t exist here) and I made the crusts our of double chocolate rusks (sort of like biscotti) and that was also a success. When we all converged on the Bavaria it was amazing. SO much food and 5 generations of volunteers. OH, I forgot to mention that that newbies (5 of them) were also here from site visit. It was exactly the scenario I was in 1 year ago. It was interesting to watch their faces and see the confusion, doubt, fear, etc. - all the things I was feeling last year. It showed me how far I’d come and I was also excited for them for what lie ahead.
Last night, after dinner, around 10:30 pm, we headed to the Gazza concert. Gazza is one of the biggest Namibian artists - sort of what 50 cent or Snoop Dogg would be to us in the states. I was excited yet nervous because in crowds of drunken Namibians anything can happen. While standing in line to get in Jill was pickpocketed and lost her ticket and Chris had his phone stolen - all in a matter of 2 minutes. I had taken NOTHING with me on purpose. Once inside and in the ‘real’ crowd, I was pickpocketed 3x. All three times I felt it and reached into my pants, grabbed the persons hand and told them to F-off and keep their hands out of my pants. It was encouraging cause it showed me how much I’ve integrated, lol. If I can stand my ground like that. It’s funny how people are though cause each time I caught them, they then looked at me like ‘what are you doing? Don’t touch me!’. No ‘I’m caught’ look or ‘sorry’. They seemed pissed off at me for noticing.
It’s interesting because for PCVs the experience is very tough and hard and yet rewarding and yet there are situations where you lose faith in the very people you are here to help. The whole thing is very emotional. It’s just like when people complain about the food you provide for them when otherwise they wouldn’t be eating anything. It’s why I prefer to work with kids because they are just SO appreciative of ANYTHING you do for them.
I forgot to mention a similar situation at OK foods the day before. I had been waiting in line for chips, along with about 6 other people, and as they were coming up a man walked up behind me, complaining about things taking so long and reached over my shoulder and grabbed them out of the woman’s hands as she was handing them to me. I wasn’t about to stand for it. I grabbed his hands and in very fluent Rukwangali explained to him that I had been waiting and those belonged to me. Again, he just looked at me like ‘what are you doing?’. We exchanged words for a minute before his friend took the chips out of his hand and gave them to me and I walked away. I know there is a lot of angst towards white people in this country and I get it. I really do. I guess what I am supposed to walk away from the experience with is an understand of what most black people have gone through in history. Feeling overlooked. Feeling like a ‘thing’. There are many times where I feel just like that and have to work through those emotions on my own. I cannot imagine how one would be emotionally and psychologically if they’d experience that their entire lives. I know that’s where all the behavior stems from. It just makes our work as volunteers that much more difficult.