June, June, June...Carter???

Monday, June 2 - Tuesday, June 3:
The last two days have been fairly uneventful. Going through the normal daily routines. Working part of the day in my office, heading home for lunch, then going back to my office to play hearts - yes, hearts. My new favorite game on the computer. I did go to the school today to make copies of posters for the assistant for the OVC program. As usual I had to butter up the secretary to make the copies and then have a meeting with the principal about hanging the posters. The biggest problem I still have here in the PC is the boredom. It’s the one thing they don’t tell you in the application process, lol. IF YOU ARE A PEACE CORPS. VOLUNTEER YOU WILL HAVE TONS OF DOWNTIME WITH NOTHING TO FILL IT!

Wednesday, June 4 - Sunday, June 8:
This past week has been a blur. Not a blur in the sense that I was busy as hell or anything…no, not that. Just a blur as in it went very fast and there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Most of the people I work with were wrapped up in the UMYA workshop, so things like English club and other meetings were cancelled. I did a little of this and a little of that. I did pass out a few applications for assistants for the OVC program and have gotten some positive applicants. I’m excited about that process.
Sarah arrived Friday evening and we’ve done nothing but chill out and watch movies all weekend. We did go on a minor hike yesterday but that was about it. I’m very slowly getting used to the idea of ‘doing nothing’. It’s a real issue of mine to always feel like I have to be ‘being productive’. I really need to learn to be okay with NOT doing it. I also was able to get my joystick working with my Nintendo program on the computer and have been playing Donkey Kong Country a lot. Oh and we took some more photos for the naked PCV calendar. We added ‘naked cooking’, ‘naked watching movies’ and ‘naked reading in the hammock’ to our collection. I hope one day we end up on Oprah because of this! lol

Monday, June 9 - Wednesday, June 11:
The days are beginning to fold into one another. I have fallen completely into a routine and well, in the states, I hated routines. I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. Also, it seems that both my supervisor AND the community counselor who is my counterpart AND my translator for all my meetings…are both trying to get jobs outside of Mpungu. My supervisor has a good reason. His wife died last September and his house and children are in Rundu. He has been trying to get there since last fall. I have a feeling he will be leaving very soon.
The counselor is leaving, I feel, because he has messed up too many times with confidentiality. There have been a lot of people coming to the clinic complaining about him getting drunk in the shebeens and talking about people’s HIV status. I think I’m mentioned this before. This is a serious problem cause stigma is what I’m trying to eliminate while I’m here. I think we’d be better off without him but if he leaves AND my super leaves…I’m not sure what I’m gonna do as a volunteer. I really rely on the one for translating and the other one to help organize community meetings. I’m not exactly sure what the next few months are going to hold for me here.
Tonight I just finished watching ‘The Kite Runner’ which was a beautiful movie…now of course I want to read the book. It made me miss Naz and Zizi a great deal…Zizi always calls me Chazzy jan. The movie made me cry but then again, I’ve always been a softy for emotional flicks.
I’m still debating on going to Nkurenkuru this weekend. Sarah isn’t there, she has headed to Windhoek for a Diversity meeting and then on the 17th she flies to the states for 10 days. I am so envious of her…it would be great to see my friends again and at the same time, would probably be hard for me to leave and come back here. I continue to have faith that there is a reason I’m here even if it’s just planting seeds. I’m really learning to let go of ‘immediate gratification’ and am trying to continually see the bigger picture. I’ve also gotten pretty good at not comparing myself to others…in the sense of what I’m doing in Mpungu compared to what others are doing elsewhere. Peace Corps. is a cultural exchange and if I make a difference in just one person’s life in the 2 years I’m here…then it was worth the two year commitment. I keep repeating that in my head.

Thursday, June 12 - Sunday, June 15:
Thursday came and went with Friday having me wonder about whether to hike to Nkurenkuru to do some grocery shopping. I finally decided to do just that AND to take Efuta with me. I got to the hike point and there were a handful of other people who had been waiting for about 2 hours. Then school let out and all of a sudden there were - no lie - about 55 people all waiting for rides. It took another 2 hours for me to finally get out of here. I spent the rest of the day chillin out, doing some grocery shopping and then I crashed watching a movie. I thought I was in for the night when Lindsey called to say the kid who had stolen from them before, tried to break in JUST THEN! She wanted me to help them go find him.
So here are 4 white people with sticks, tredging through the bush (the actual bush) with only the moonlight to guide us…trying to find this thief. That excitement aside…for some reason, the moment for Alex and I to bond decided to unfold itself THEN! He and I just haven’t meshed since I arrived in Mpungu and I always thought it was me. Something clicked. I can’t even put my finger on just what it was. But we were talking and sharing and BONDING!! Oh, we didn’t find the kid but it was fun enough to keep Lindsey from heading to his house and burning down his hut. Talk about cultural integration!
Saturday I hung out a bit in the morning and then around noon went over to play Monopoly with the gang. I was actually doing really well when we were asked if we wanted to go to Katitwi - the border town of Angola - about 45 minutes away. Sure, why not. This was 2 pm. We all said we didn’t really want to stay that late and I of course didn’t want to leave Efuta locked in the bathroom that long. So we decided only to hang out a few hours. We left Katitwi at 9:30 pm.
The night was fun, but I had told them earlier that I wasn’t going to drink - that way, if for some reason the actual driver of the vehicle that gave us a ride decided to get wasted, then I could do the ‘illegal for PC but responsible’ thing…and drive us back. Fortunately it didn’t get to that point. Beer was cheap though and they definitely put them away. I danced a bit, shot some pool and people watched. As it was getting late, it was also getting VERY cold. The nights are VERY cold now because of winter. So the ride back was freezing! Where are my mittens when I need them??
I hiked back early today because I wanted to practice the guitar. I had a package waiting for me at Sarah’s that contained a ‘how-to’ book and TONS of yarn from my friend Doug. Thanks man! I practiced for about 90 minutes today and think I am going to LOVE learning to play this instrument. I definitely have the ‘time’ to learn it. I received a call from my friend Joel - always good to hear from him. I made lentil burgers for dinner and gave my dad a call for Father’s Day. It’s been a good week.

Monday, June 16 - Monday, June 23:
Have I mentioned how the days are seeming to roll by more quickly? It’s probably due to the fact that I have settled into a sort of routine. This was to be a short week anyways, cause I was leaving Thursday with the kids from the school for the EWA conference. I worked on a few things in my office, some stuff at the clinic and then stuck around Wednesday evening for John’s B-day dinner.
Thursday the bus left around 8:15 am and after stopping at several schools along the way, finally arrived in Rundu around noon. It was long and dusty but the kids seemed pumped. I think that’s what I miss by not being in a teaching position…being with kids all day. We arrived much earlier than anticipated, so we played games with the kids during the afternoon while waiting on those from the east side. Ashley and Thea from Caprivi and Chris from Divundu came in so it was good to catch up with them.
I spent some time at the PC office to shoot off some emails and do a little research. I also had some mail there and upon reading the current newsletter, discovered the one funding source I was going to use for my theater equipment, has been cancelled for the rest of the year. Now I know I have mentioned how I keep running into walls and am somewhat disillusioned about PC life…but I mean, come on! Why does everything have to be so hard? I knew it wouldn’t be a cake walk when I joined, but hell, I am here to help people…if things were a little less difficult, I could accomplish much more.
The conference technically began on Friday and everything was running fine. Actually, everything ran fine the entire weekend except for a few small glitches here and there - as is the case with most things in this country. I helped out with some sex education stuff and HIV related talks. I realized once again, how much fear I have being in front of people. You would think it wouldn’t be the case with teenagers, but yes, the stage fright is still here. I didn’t speak in front of the large group, instead gave my two cents in smaller groups. That fear is something I definitely have to get over.
Friday night a bunch of us had dinner at Omashari…pizza man, good pizza. Saturday was great. You could see the kids bonding more and really opening up with questions. The students that were chosen to attend the workshop are the brightest kids from the school and that was apparent. They were all well-behaved and eager to learn. For lunch I took Thea to the open market. BAD mistake on my part. I don’t know for sure if it’s what I had to eat or that I just shook too many hands that day and didn’t wash up, but Saturday night I awoke around 11 pm with the WORST case of exploding diarrhea since entering the country. WORSE, mind you, then the episode on Grootfontain during CBT. I also was nauseas that throwing up. To add injury to insult, I wasn’t in my own home and there were 4 of us crashing together. So I was desperately trying to be as quiet as possible. NEVER gonna happen, lol. Every half hour, I was up, with something come out of somewhere.
Sunday I was worn out. Dehydrated. Weak. I was NOT looking forward to a 4 hour bus ride back to site. I drank plenty of water and sprite and tried to keep myself together. By the time we took off around 3, I felt I would make it without any accidents. I was right! I made it back to site around 7, unpacked all the groceries I bought, put away clothes, picked up Efuta, took a shower and settled in for a movie. Speaking of movies…Patrick informed me that this week he will be picking up the 4th season of LOST!!! OMG!!! I can’t wait to surprise Sarah with that. She will be back in 2 weeks, around the time of the 4th of July celebration at the Bavaria. That will be a total blast!


Tuesday, June 24 - Friday, June 27:
Monday was fairly uneventful. I prepared my English lesson for Thursday because Tuesday and Wednesday I was going to be helping the clinic with National Immunization Days. I did email Eyes on Africa Foundation…an organization that is fairly new - I got the info from Justin during EWA. I feel like I keep running into so many brick walls as far as funding for things. I was really hoping this one would pay off.
Tuesday was very busy in the morning. I helped monitor how many kids came for immunization. We saw close to 200 kids in the first few hours. It was sort of funny. No shots were given. The polio vaccine and Vitamin A were given orally. Most of the kids were crying and screaming and the nurse just grabbed the kids head, held it back, forced the mouth open and dropped the medicine in. It was very rough and there was no coddling involved. It made me laugh a little thinking about doctors in the US ga-ga-ing and goo-goo-ing to get the kids to behave.
Wednesday we didn’t see that many kids so I worked on demolition for a bit, then worked from my flat. I checked email and to my surprise, Jeff from EOAF had written me back and very enthusiastically asked me to submit all the proposals I had. I sent him ones for the AFHS corner and the theater equipment. I thought maybe the garden proposal was too much money.
Thursday Jeff wrote back and asked for the garden prop! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will be able to help me with this. I also had scheduled a meeting with all the groups to get the garden clearing back on track and to discuss some other things. It was scheduled for 9, the few that did come, showed up around 10. It’s always the same few, dedicated ones that show up to everything and yet the others who never come, gripe and moan about things not getting done quicker, lol. I held the meeting and it was successful. I’m hoping from this point forward we can be more organized. Dinner with the teachers was good. Now that I feel more bonded with Alex and Christine, it makes hanging out all the better. I realize that they were just as insecure about hanging out with me as I was with them. Once we were past that, it’s smooth sailing.
Today we worked on demolition for a few hours, then I knocked off around 11. I’ve played video games, watched movies, exercised and worked on the Rukwangali dictionary. It’s now about 7 and I’m getting ready to eat and curl up with a movie. I still don’t like feeling lonely…being here in Namibia…in Mpungu all by myself. BUT…I’m working through it.

Saturday, June 28 - Sunday, June 29:
This past weekend has been very lonely. 4 weeks now with Sarah being away. That’s me with nothing to do on the weekends. Do I find myself with things to do? Sure. I can watch movies, read, go for a hike, play hearts on the computer, etc. I just don’t like it. It’s not about NOT being able to handle it. It’s just the fact that I DON’T LIKE IT! It’s not even about having nothing to do but think. I’ve gotten used to ‘thinking’ about things. I feel like that’s all I do and have done.
Next week marks 6 months at site. That’s the amount of time I promised I would give myself to ‘settle’ in. Well…I feel like I’ve ‘settled in’ I just don’t know if I am happy. I realized something else the other day. This one is a little hard to admit. One of the reasons I joined the PC was to be able to say, ‘I spent 2 years in the PC’, so that I could get attention from it. So that people would look at me and think ‘wow, this guy is something…he did the PC’. With that acknowledgement, I began to think of how many things I’ve done or do JUST to get attention. I discovered quite a lot. To the point where I think it’s so ingrained that I wonder how much of myself actually gets out.
I find it interesting that I spend the majority of my life being aloof, so as not to get close to people because I fear what they really might think of me and the other part of my life doing things to get attention from the people that I’m not wanting to get close to. What the F? I mean, seriously. What the F is wrong with me? But more importantly, now that I’ve had this light bulb realization, how do I go about changing it? If I have spent the majority of my life fearing what people think and yet craving attention at the same time…how the hell does one turn that around? How does one become completely comfortable in one’s own skin to where he doesn’t care what people think? If I get to that point - where I don’t care - then I believe I will be happy. Completely happy. Cause if I am not caring what people really think about me, then I won’t be afraid to get close to them. If I am not caring what people think about me, then I won’t live my life trying to get attention. This will free up so much of my time and give me back ‘my life’.
Seriously…where does something like this originate? Sure, I can go back to school and say I had it rough and people picked on me which caused me to be insecure which led me to not wanting to be close to people because I assumed everyone would think I was a geek, a wimp, a pussy, a loser. Thinking about school, I remember during my senior year, that our Senior Memories book or something like that was put out. I read in there that in 2nd grade (that’s the year I transferred to Jonesville), that I became the heartthrob. Heartthrob?? ME?!?!? That means, that at that time, I was on the precipice of something. I could have gone on from there to be one of the popular kids. One who was well liked. So what happened? Where did the shift from ‘heartthrob’ to ‘geek being pushed around the locker room’? Was there some pivotal moment in my elementary school experience where instead of going down the ‘cool’ path I chose a different one and therefore sealed my fate? How different would my life be, my self-confidence, my overall attitude about myself be if I had remained on that one road.
On top of that, say something did happen. Say I get in touch with what happened. Does that mean all of a sudden my life will turn around? I will be completely different? Or does all this realization just mean that I have THAT much more work to do on myself to change these behaviors that no longer work for me? Do you ever get tired of working on yourself? I know I do.

Monday, June 30:
Today is Shelly’s birthday and I’ve been wondering all day if she received my package I sent with Sarah. I thought if she had, I’d have heard from her by now.
In this place, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to be American. How lucky I am to be white. How lucky I was to be born to good parents. How lucky I am to have an education. How lucky I am……(fill in the blank with a thousand possible answers). How does one consciously balance that feeling of luckiness with all the misery, hopelessness and poverty that exists in the world? I know I’m being a tad dramatic, but… Really…how is it possible for me - with all that I am blessed with - mainly just because of circumstance and the color of my skin - how am I supposed to accept all that comes my way - having lived in a place where people have nothing? How does one wrap their minds around it in order to continue through life feeling good about oneself? Must I give up everything like Mother Theresa in order to make things even? Can I have a good, comfortable, successful, bountiful life after leaving here? Can I consciously do that without always struggling with justification? Forgive me for waxing poetic or should I say forgive me for my pseudo-spiritual rant. I am just looking for answers. Answers that may not exist for me.