Damn it's getting hot around here...

Monday, September 1:

I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?

Tuesday, September 2:

I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?

Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):

Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.

Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:

Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.

Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:

We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.

Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:

Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.

Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:

The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.

Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:

I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.

Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:

This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.

Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:

On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.

Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:

Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!