Where are all the flowers?

Thursday, May 1 - Monday, May 5:
I had stuck around Mpungu instead of heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday because everyone in English club said they didn’t want to go so long without class. They did decide to move class to 9, instead of 11 so I could get out a little earlier. Well, only 1 person showed up at 9. I was kinda pissed, but then again, that’s Namibia. I went ahead and taught the class because the one student had walked 10k to be there. I then grabbed my stuff, headed to the hike point, and made my way to Sarah’s.
Coleen and Juice were there, so it was good to hang with them a bit, and then Sarah and I headed to Rundu. We were surprised to find some of the Caprivi kids there as well. We hung out that night, had a great dinner which included banana’s Foster, lol, and played poker - which I am NOT good at. Friday morning Sarah and I started hiking which included me witnessing a stray dog getting hit and thrown by a car. It was gross, laying there with it’s tail still wagging. Then I got to see some locals remove it from the highway and haul it off to their hut - I won’t guess as to what they were going to do with it. Affter about 10 hours - ALL FREE mind you - we arrived in Windhoek. The hike there included a ride with two Namibian teacher’s in their soccer van, a short stint in a semi-truck, a ride with an Afrikaaner with Zebra steaks in a cooler in the back seat, then a ride with a Ministry of Health worker.
We arrived and checked into the Cardboard Box, a backpacker’s hostel. I have never stayed in a hostel and now I’m a huge fan! It was only N$75 a night which included breakfast. We caught up with Izziza, Amanda and Mariko (a Kenyan volunteer who transferred here when all of them were evacuated) and went out to dinner at Taal, the Indian place. Saturday, was spent hangin’ out in the city with people slowly arriving. We spent time at the mall - I was getting quotes for my theater project. We found out there was a reggae concert at the Warehouse, so tickets were purchased. Then it was back to the hostel as more 27ers arrived and ‘catching up’ ensued. A handful of us headed to an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, only to find it closed. We then had Italian at Sardinia’s. It was by far, the best pizza I have had in the country - then it was off to the concert.
The music was amazing (and loud) and of course the club was very smoky - all kinds of smoky. My eyes were aching by midnight and I was ready to go. Some of us headed back, while others hung out till very late. I’m WAY too old to stay out THAT late. On Sunday, we slept in a bit, had breakfast, then while the girls took Izziza to the airport, Mariko and I headed into town for more quotes and some tahini.
Afterwards, we picked up all our clothes (after having washed then in a REAL coin operated washing machine) and got a cab to the PC office. SCORE! Most of the 27ers had shown up and it was great seeing them all again. We were then shuffled to Greiter’s, this amazing lodge on a hill outside the city that has the most beautiful views of the mountains. The air and silence is wonderful. We had dinner and then I crashed around 9.
Today is the first day of training which is good and bad. Long days, but useful information. More catching up. I got my 2nd Hep A shot and was supposed to get a flu shot but got out of it. I never get sick - like that kind of sick - and I don’t want a shot of something that could make me feel bad. The day is almost over and I want to chill out and watch the sky. I also did yoga this morning as the sun came up over the mountain top - fantastic!

Tuesday, May 6:
Last night we did an exercise were many different feeling statements - ie. not sure, disillusioned, life is great, etc. - were placed around the room and we had to stand by how we felt after 4 months at site. I stood directly between ‘not sure’ and ‘counting the days’. My reasoning is all the things I’ve already talked about but it was nice to share those thoughts with other people feeling the same way. After sharing with other PCVS, the one common link was the realization that Peace Corps is a job. Yes, we don’t get paid a lot and it’s not as structured as a stateside job (except for education volunteers) but basically at this point we’re all settled down into a routine. The only difference is that we are in another country. So a lot of people who are disillusioned and thinking about going home, feel like they could be doing what they are doing here - BACK in the states.
See, on the surface, and what you see in the ads for PC or what promoters of PC say - is only about 15-20% of what life is actually like. They never mentioned the arbitrary times or how you become so habituated to the things that thrilled you upon arrival. Through all of this can come a sense of boredom - even though you are in such an amazing place. It’s this reality that makes most people want to return to the states. It’s just been nice to hear everyone’s story and discover we are all in similar places.
The health people also went on a tour of a local hydrophonic garden which was great, but would be virtually impossible t reproduce in my village. We also toured a local hangout of a youth group where the kids were amazing! It makes me very excited to get back and work with the OVCs. Oh and as I was eating a piece of candy, I lost a crown on a tooth. Great! This better not mess me up for going to Swakopmund next weekend, that’s all I’m saying.

Wednesday, May 7:
Okay, so I am back to the ‘not enjoying this’ part of training. So much of what they are telling us we have either already figured out on our own or should have known before we left for site. I came to reconnect hoping it would be all about where to get money and for what. NO! I’ve received very little information about that and with limited internet at my site, it’s just going to make things take that much longer.
On top of that, we’ve started learning about project development and evaluation. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. At site I was just beginning to feel like I was finding my way…now I am back to ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’. There are all these steps and procedures that need to be performed in order to accomplish something and have it be sustainable. I believe at site I have skipped a lot of steps in order to ‘feel ‘like I was doing something. I realize that’s my issue. I am impatient. I am used to just ‘doing’ and not ‘planning’. It’s what I loved about volunteering at Caracole. They pretty much let me do what I wanted - within reason. No meetings to go through - no red tape.
I’m going to have to go back to my site and digress just a bit. Have some meetings and get a few more people on board with my projects. I am SO glad I am on vacation next week!

Thursday, May 8 - Sunday, May 11:
I think I wrote last on Wednesday or was it Tuesday? Anyways, it’s now Sunday - Mother’s Day - so I’ll try and catch everyone up. Wednesday is escaping me, so I’ll start with Thursday.
We had 2 different guest speakers. One was a guy who preaches abstinence across Namibia and doesn’t believe in promoting condom use. I thought I was going to dislike him but he made me see a different side of the HIV fight. I disagreed with his philosophy and approach in regards to women, but the info about how condom promotion isn’t working that well, made sense. I’m still gonna offer condoms to young people, but there are other alternatives as well.
We then heard from an American who talked to us about proposal writing. He was loud, egotistical and a showoff and though I partly agree that we should try and get money for projects from wherever we can, he ended up being poorly received. Most PCVs did not like him at all. It definitely made me look at getting money differently. A part f me wants to find money wherever I can to accomplish the projects I’m doing, but I also have to learn how to make things sustainable.
All that said - I AM IN SWAKOP NOW NOW!!! This place is amazing! It’s cold and foggy and the water is great and there are paved roads and tons of stores and houses along the beach and pizza shops…OMG! I’m on a real vacation. It’s fantastic the amount of diversity in culture, people, topography, etc. that exists in this country. It’s equally as strange to know that here there is all this money and million dollar homes and back in my village there are people not eating. How do I justify or balance this in my head? How do I allow myself to enjoy thai food tomorrow for dinner knowing the people who are becoming my friends in Mpungu will never enjoy a meal like that? I still don’t know how to do this.

Monday, May 12 (9:00 am on the beach):
How is it that I have never lived by the ocean? It calms and centers me like nothing else. Is it that powerful for everyone? I wonder. I think about the people in my village who have never seen the ocean - not even a picture of it. What would their experience be like the first time they stepped foot in the wet sand? To go a level deeper - why is it that I get to have this experience and so many other’s don’t? What in the universe lined up allowing me to have the life I do when I know people who are living in stick huts with no water or food? Is that fair? Is it karma? Is it luck of the draw? It makes me question the existence of God. Not in the sense that there isn’t a source of love and light existing outside our realm of consciousness, but more so the ‘idea’ of God that most people cling to and many religions idolize. If there was actually a man - a white, English speaking man, lol - sitting in some far away heaven watching every little thing that goes on here - every second of every day - how would or could he live with himself - witnessing all that goes on? Does he have a mind and consciousness that sees a bigger picture that I am incapable of comprehending? Or is the idea of God as a ‘being’ a fallacy created by man for a system of control? Sitting here watching the pounding surf I have no doubt of a presence…of an energy all around me. But to believe that an individual sits ruler over all I see just seems ridiculous and on that note…wouldn’t God, if in reality was some type of supernatural entity, be bored as hell?

Tuesday, May 13 - Thursday, May 15:
What an insane past 3 days. We got up early Tuesday morning to hike to Walvis Bay to go kayaking. It was fantastic! So many seals that would come right up to the kayaks and play with our oars. They were so cute. I saw a lot of dolphins but they weren’t being as playful so they kept their distance. Our guide was super cool and also fed us lunch. Afterwards, Sarah and I wandered around the twon a bit then caught a hike back to Swakopmund. We separated to do our own thing a bit and I lost my ATM card in a BOB machine. I must have transposed some numbers entering my password and when you do that more than 3 times, the machine keeps it. So I went to the FNB where a somewhat cute Afrikaaner guy who used to play rugby for South Africa but is now in a wheelchair due to a quad bike accident, tried to help me. Alas, since I did not have my passport, he could not. Also, my debit card from the states wasn’t working, so if Sarah wasn’t with me, I could have been a little freaked out about how I was going to make it back to site.
I was gonna go to the movies but got a call from Dave which was great cause I hadn’t talked to him in awhile. We then were going to have dinner with Obie and is wife but they were busy. So w went to a bar called FAGINS (NOT a gay bar, lol), then headed home.
Wednesday we got up early and headed to the outskirts of town to hike to Henti’s Bay. We were far away from people so I took a naked hiking picture. I think we are going to make a calendar of them. We made it to Henti’s which is a small fishing town and had lunch. The beach and surf were beautiful. We then got a hike to the road to take us to Uis - pronounced Weec. The place where the truck dropped us was literally in the middle of nowhere and what do you do in the middle of nowhere? Take more naked pics of course! After about 45 minutes we caught a hike with a safari group of French tourists going to see the ‘white lady’ (we’re still not sure exactly what that is). We made it to Uis which looks like a town out of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’. Seriously! After getting something to drink and eat and convincing a drunk man that my tattoos did NOT mean I like hanging out with people who do drugs, we caught a hike to Khorixas. The landscaping was breathtaking and we saw a group of ostriches.
We met up with Jill and Jessica, played Boggle, ate lentil burgers, then crashed. This morning we headed out to the hike point early and had just bargained with a taxi to get us to Outjo for 40 each when we caught a free hike with an English couple. There were fun to talk to. In Outjo we got some bread at a little German bakery that has the ‘poshest’ bathrooms in the entire country. We caught a ride to Otjiworongo - yes, another free one - and then sat in the hot sun there for about 90 minutes before catching a lift to Otavi. There, we caught a ride with a guy from Hamburg, Germany who lives here now and is actually the creator/distributor of MOSSI mosquito nets. He was a pretty funny guy. He took us as far as Groot. We had planned on crashing there for the night, but quickly caught a ride to Rundu with some PEPFAR Government officials. We’ve pretty much travelled over 1500k in the last 2 weeks and it’s only cost us about N$100 each (that’s 10 bucks US). How is it I never hitchhiked in the states???? I’m glad to be back in the north and to have a nice mattress to sleep on! I’ll be home by Saturday since SNL are having a braai tomorrow night. Whew! Long few weeks!

Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18:
Got up early, walked to the TRC to get my yarn and ‘seeds’ from Thea, came back and got Sarah and headed to Red Cross, had a meeting, went grocery shopping and then hooked us a ride. The ride was typical Namibian style. 11 people packed into a combi with all their shit and of course the guy lied to us. We asked if he was leaving right then and he said yes, but that translated into us waiting in the van until it filled up completely which was about an hour later. The problem is that if you change your mind, get tired of waiting, it’s almost too late because your stuff is loaded on the roof with everyone else’s and disembarking only means those people have to wait that much longer.
We arrived - covered in dush - at Sarah’s place and chilled the rest of the day. I had 5 packages waiting at the post. 5! Everytime I have a package it feels like Christmas - SERIOUSLY! - so you can imagine what 5 felt like. I got something from Mark, my cousin Mia, my friends at Caracole, Russ and a guy I don’t even know - just chatted with briefly online one day. They were ALL amazing and Bob and the Caracole crew outdid themselves with over 75 movies! I introduced Sarah to ‘Dead Like Me’ but it didn’t catch, so we watched ‘Boy’s on the Side’ and crashed.
Saturday we slept in, watched some ‘Six Feet Under’, took an hours walk by the river, had some lunch, I did some laundry and then headed to SNL’s for the braai. It was for Alex’s girlfriend who was visiting from the states and most of the Kavango 26ers were there - including many VSOs - including the one who picked us up in Windhoek when we were looking for the gay bar that one night. This country is SO small. The night was great and turned into a dance party with music by a dj called ‘girl talk’. Sarah and I left around 10:30 and crashed watching some movies. Today I will head back to site. I am excited to be returning home and to see Efuta. I am recharged from the past 2 weeks and want to hit the ground running. Or at least at something slightly faster than a leisurely pace.


Monday, May 19 - Tuesday, May 20:
I arrived in on Sunday afternoon, with all my shit and unpacked. It was great to see Efuta - he got so big in just 2 weeks! Monday I spent in my office, sending some emails, starting some proposals and basically getting ultra-organized. I wanted to meet with Lyambezi but he was busy the whole day. I worked up until 4 then headed home to hang.
Today I put some time in on the demolition, sat in on a staff meeting (where I had a lot of points to bring up and they were well received), then worked from my house the rest of the day. Lyambezi still could not meet with me today and left for a funeral - he won’t be back until Monday. I have SO much I need to talk to him about and he seems to be avoiding me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he is always telling me of a position he has applied for in another town - usually Rundu. I have this feeling is going to be leaving soon and I’m not sure where that puts me in regards to PC. I don’t know if I HAVE to have a supervisor or not. I’d rather not. I can run things by other people, including members of the VDC and the headman. I just hope he gets me a stove before he leaves! Tonight I’m going to do yoga, hang with Karel and watch a movie and then read a bit.

Wednesday, May 21 - Thursday, May 22:
Wednesday I had decided to have an initial meeting with the OVCs to get the ball rolling on an after school program. When I had had my first meeting the week before I headed to reconnect, 12 children showed up. I was thinking there would be a few more but not much. Well…227 showed up! I was NOT expecting that. They ranged in age from 7-23. I should have told Fanual to have a cut off age around 17-18 when he made the announcement - that was my mistake.
So it took about 90 minutes to take everyone’s information and there was really no reason to have a meeting with that many kids. I introduced myself to them and what I had in mind but told them I would have to set an age limit and then probably split the remainder into 2 groups that meet on different days. On the spot, I decided that I could have an application process for assistants from the older ones to help me with the 2 groups - so they don’t all feel left out in some way.
Afterwards, I had a talk with Fanuel about how things are going. He informed me that ELCIN - which is the home based health care group - no longer wants to be a part of our garden. This is upsetting to me because the garden was THEIR initial project. I have done my best to make sure they are invited to every meeting and that they were represented on the garden committee. So I don’t know what is going on there and I have to find out. If they pull out, I’m not sure where most of our funding for seeds and such will come from.
Today was going to be English and then a garden committee meeting to discuss the current situation with the garden. Once again, only 1 person showed up for English and only 1 person on the garden committee showed up. I should be used to this by now but the frustration is getting the best of me. There is a part of me that needs to feel like something is DONE or close to being DONE. I don’t have the patience to wait and wait and wait. I realize this is completely my issue but I feel like I’ve been flailing for 5 months now and with nothing concrete for me to work from, I just keep flailing. I know I’ll grow from this and become more patient - it all just adds to my feelings of ‘what the hell am I doing’?. Yes, I’m still wondering that after 5 months!


Friday, May 23 - Saturday, May 24:
Friday was fairly uneventful with me mainly working on the Rukwangali textbook and hanging out at my house. I had tried to meet with Lyambezi all week and today I snagged him for a few minutes. JUST a few, because he was on his way out of town AGAIN. He is SO not into being here. I got a call from Risto that he was coming on Sunday so I should make preparations for the workshop to begin on Monday. NO! I told him. Until I see his face in Mpungu, I’m not doing ANYTHING.
I got up this morning, hung out at the house, did laundry, watched some movies, etc. Pretty boring actually. I decided to walk to the school and check with the principal if the room was still available for the workshop - he was not around. I stopped by and chatted with the pastor to let him know what was up. He seem equally as irritated with Risto. He also gave me a little incite into the ELCIN problem with the garden. Seems they want to do their OWN garden not because of anything I’ve done but because of the lack of motivation on the part of the other participants. The pastor basically said ‘when you leave, the garden will end - no one will keep it going’. That’s fairly disheartening to hear. We hope as volunteers that what we do will be sustainable and continue on after we are gone..to hear that people within the community you are here to help know or feel it won’t even befor eit’s planted, well that’s sad.
I joined the PC because I wanted to make a difference. Because I wanted to do something on a global scale. What if I spend 2 years of my life here and nothing changes? What if after I leave, nothing continues? Is it worth my time being here for the 1 or 3 people I may affect on an individual basis? I need to believe in that, otherwise I could easily return home and continue on with my life there - doing volunteer work and seeing things accomplished. I am now faced with a different sort of decision. All along it’s been about me being comfortable here and if I discovered by July 9th that I was still miserable, to pack it up and head home. Now it’s more about whether I think anything can actually be done here. I’m keeping the faith and hoping I can motivate people in the right way.

Sunday, May 25 - Tuesday, May 27:
This morning Lyambezi decided that it was a good thing that he and I attend the church to help with the announcement of the home-based health care workshop. I told him I did not want to go, that I was not a church going kind of guy, but he said it would look better to the community if I was present - so I went. I ended up being the one who made the announcement with him translating. The remainder of the day was spent figuring out the ‘cow’ situation. It kept getting more and more complicated. They finally figured out a solution, but I have to say, I felt that the counselor - Livimba - did not make himself look good in the process.
I’ve been hearing things about him via different people but not knowing the culture that well and still trying to integrate into my community, I haven’t wanted to believe things. With everything that has happened in the past few days with the meat and the rumors and stuff, I had a long talk with Lyambezi. I think he’s pretty much decided to let the counselor go and find someone new. I have to say I agree with the decision. If the ONE person the community is supposed to trust for HIV testing is talking about people’s status and saying things behind people’s backs, it’s just not productive.
By the way, this was the first weekend I spent at my site by myself that I did NOT experience a GB Sunday! Does that mean I’m settling? Does it mean I am content?
Monday I got up early to head up to the school with the group to start the registration process and first day of the workshop. I went to get the key to conference room from the principal - whom I had just spoken to on Sunday to confirm that the room was still available. He wasn’t home. Neither was is secretary. So I talked to the inspector and he informed me that I did not have a right to use that room. That the principal did not have the authority to give me that room AND he, regardless of the predicament it caused me with the workshop beginning today, would not LET us use it. In the short amount of time I have been in the country, I have noticed one thing for sure. Everyone likes their little bit of control and NO one is flexible. PC teaches us volunteers to BE FLEXIBLE! BE FLEXIBLE! It’s like the PC National anthem or something and yet it doesn’t seem to apply to the locals that we are here to help.
So we ended up doing registration at the clinic, outside and I texted Christine to see if we could access the TRC. She said fine and so we were set. I worked in my office the rest of the day and crashed around 8:30. I’ve been going to bed earlier and earlier lately.
Tuesday, we got to the TRC to discover there was not enough chairs and the space did not have a toilet AND those attending the workshop would have to walk 20 minutes down to the clinic for lunch and then back because we couldn’t cook at the TRC. So of course, those attending were complaining about it. This kind of stuff irritates me. What would you be doing if you were not attending the workshop? Nothing. And yet the fact that you have to walk for your free food…okay, I’ll stop.
I was able to talk to the pastor of ELCIN later that day and before I even asked him, he offered up the church. Thank God! It was nice to have someone just be in the moment and offer assistance without any strings. I plan on giving him some of my own money for the offering when the workshop is over as a thank you.
I was going watch a movie with the UMYA staff but once again fell asleep around 9. I was pleasantly awakened by a phone call from Mark. It’s always great to hear from him. This call felt different though…I’m not sure exactly how or if I can put my finger on it, but there was a distance (not the physical distance) in our conversation. I don’t know what it means. Guess I’ll figure it out eventually.

Wednesday, May 28 - Sunday, June 1:
I discovered that people attending the workshop were complaining about the food. It either wasn’t what they wanted to eat or it wasn’t enough. It totally pissed me off. I mean, these people are supposed to be attending because they want to do home-based health care, NOT because they are being fed. I realize it’s a survival thing with them, but it’s still an irritation with me.
Thursday I had planned on heading to Sarah’s in the afternoon, but ended up catching a free ride around 10 am, so I hung out with her that day. It was taco night at SNL’s so dinner was awesome. We got up early Friday to head to Rundu with Suvi (a missionary from Finland who now lives in Nkurenkuru with her husband and two small children). I had a lot to accomplish while there and a short amount of time to do it.
I waited for 90 minutes at the bank to replace my BOB card, discovered the RISE program through the Ministry of Agriculture no longer existed, got some quotes for my AFHS corner at the clinic, picked up my stuff at the TRC, printed some pics, had lunch, bought a plant at the Ministry of Forestry, and bought groceries. The 6 hours I was there went by very fast. We returned to Sarah’s and watched some Six Feet Under.
Saturday was a lazy day. I ran to pep for a lentil strainer and the hardware store for a pipe wrench to fix my bathroom sink. Watched some movies, read and then headed to SNL’s for dinner and Pictionary. It was quite a fun evening with me being introduced to a drink that contains gin and lemon juice and some carbonated beverage. Needless to say, I was feeling good. A heated discussion ensued over the power of words. I fell asleep on the floor while they argued about the ‘N’ word and whether or not it is a bad word on it’s own or if it depends on the intention of the user. I don’t think they found common ground.
Today I was a serious couch potato. I read a lot, watched movies and then finally called my super for a ride back to site. All I wanted to do was unpack, pick up Efuta and cook dinner. The UMYA gang really wants to watch a movie, so I guess I’m gonna do that and be a little social.