March 1-12

Saturday, March 1 - Sunday, March 2:
SO I finished reading ‘Eat, Pray’, Love’ where Miss Elizabeth Gilbert so eloquently chronicals a year of her life while on a spiritual journey. What stuck out for me was that she -very forthrightly I might add - acknowledges the difficult she continued to face during this intense growth period of her life. Growth is hard, we all know that. I’m currently in the middle of some hard stuff. I promised myself that I would stop focusing on myself and switch my focus to others - only makes sense, right? I mean, this is the Peace Corps. But let me indulge for just a moment. I’ve realized that I keep trying to control this entire situation. That I am trying to make it behave a certain way. That I am trying to get people to behave differently than they have for 100s of years. Is this ego or impatience? Or are they one and the same? The ego says, ‘hey, you are this smart white man with a computer and all the answers to their problems!’. Impatience continues to mock me by saying closely the same thing - ‘Don’t these people realize you are only here for a short amount of time? Come on, let’s get busy!’.
Didn’t I mention somewhere in this journal that I needed to work on letting go of control and learning patience? These tend to be the captain and first mate of the ship that is my life. They have sailed me through life without ever really letting me touch land. That’s how I view the majority of the past 39 years. That I am just hovering above the real world. Not ever engaging completely - staying blissfully aloof. A dear friend of mine and someone I admire greatly - Nancy Monahan - told me point blank several years ago that I was aloof. At that time I shrugged it off like sand from my Teva’s, not knowing exactly what she meant. I get it now - even without the help of Mr. Webster So what has made me this way? Un-engaging? Afraid of forming relationship with those around me? Friendships, acquaintances, as well as lovers? Right now I honestly don’t know.
I could look back on my life and come up with a handful of scarring experiences and start to point fingers but, does that solve anything? It’s the collective experience of my life that has made me who I am in this moment. So facing that as reality - how does one really go about personal transformation? If all these habits, aspects of personality and characteristics of self were created by a life in which the majority of, was out of our control - how can one truly change? That is what I am seeking. Seeking from God. Seeking from yoga. Seeking from meditation. Seeking from myself. Seeking from the ‘nane’ who says’ morokeni tate’ to me each morning but refuses to give me her smile.
Each moment is a gift, but being the aloof individual that I am, I’ve always brushed them away. How do I learn to embrace them? How do I learn to embrace then without fear?
I just got off the phone with my friend Doug Stevens and something surfaced in our conversation that surprisingly hadn’t crossed my mind. A mere 6 weeks before I landed in this country, I sold my house. My home. Sold my motorcycle. Ridded myself of the majority of my furniture. Closed a successful massage practice. Gave up my dog. Ended a relationship. All of this I did because I was bored with my life. Because I was looking for an adventure. Because I was looking for a spiritual journey. What the fuck? Did I think this was going to be easy?
It call came crashing down on me - these realizations. I hadn’t given myself a chance to grieve the loss of all these things nor had I processed all the emotion around such major life changes. I have been so focused on what was happening to me here and trying to pinpoint where a lot of the intense depression/emotion was coming from and hell, this is a big part of it. So I had a cry. A big cry. It was so cleansing. It showed me that I have GOT to stop beating myself up for how I am dealing with things here. I am dealing with things the very best way I know how AND it’s a LOT to deal with. A LOT to process. It’s a LOT of change at one time in one’s life. Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect David.

Monday, March 3 - Tuesday, March 4:
Monday I spent working on Rukwangali the majority of the day, with some attention paid to the proposal I am trying to write to RACOC. Did some yoga, cooked some chakalaka and starting reading ‘The Pillars of The Earth’.
Today, was a little more fulfilling. I worked on a couple of proposals, worked on language and met with the guy who is selling us the cow for the training in a few weeks. I, via the translator, tried to explain to him that no, I did not have the money to buy the cow today. That he had to wait until the 15th when Risto brings the money for the workshop.
The best part of the day was when 2 ladies came by my office with an idea to start a sewing project. That wanted my help writing a proposal to get money for some machines, materials, etc. for them to start this income generating project. I sat down with them for about 2 hours and we began to formulate a plan. They were very prepared and had a list detailing everything they would need. I walked them through the process and brought up ideas and suggestions for other things they would need. It was very cool. It was the first time since I’ve been at site that I felt like I was actually accomplishing something. Now, don’t get me wrong. From the idea of this business to the actual opening of it could be anywhere from 6 months to a year. But just the fact that THEY came up with it and came to me for help…it speaks volumes. I can only hope that more people will come to me with their ideas and I can help inspire, organize and motivate them to see their dreams come to fruition. A very cool day indeed. And as a bonus, I cooked ‘yisima’ for the first time and it turned out great!

Wednesday, March 5 - Thursday, March 6:
Met with the garden committee on Wednesday in order to organize a little more, begin writing the proposal and assign some work. The meeting went well - about 2 hours - and we made a good start. I, of course, thought of many other questions I needed to ask them AFTER it was over, so that will have to wait until the next meeting.
I was excited because Sarah was hiking in today in order to have a meeting with Anton on Thursday. She left Nkurenkuru around 3 and finally made it to my place around 7. Thanks Namibia! The car she got a hike with broke down exactly half-way here and she was stuck, sitting under a tree for 2 hours waiting for another car to pass by and take her the rest of the way. Patience. It’s such a common theme here.
Thursday we headed up for our meeting with Anton around 8:30. When we got there he asked why we weren’t in the CACOC meeting in Nkurenkuru. I looked at him like he was insane - I hadn’t heard about a meeting. Sarah responded with, ‘I just heard about it yesterday and Ndadi didn’t think I needed to be there’ - so we continued with our meeting. 20 minutes later, the principle from the primary school (who is also on the VDC) arrives and says he needs to speak to me. I go outside and he informs me he is here to pick me up for the CACOC meeting, that they are waiting for me to arrive (the meeting was scheduled for 9, it’s 9:20 before we leave Mpungu). I turn to Sarah and we decide she needs to be there as well and Anton also decides to come along. I decide to stay the weekend cause I was heading there Friday anyways. Sarah and I laugh and on the hike in the back of the combi it hits us point blankly that THIS is the reason it takes so long to do ANYTHING here. So when I say it took a year to get a community garden going - I mean, seriously, it took me a year!
The meeting went ALL day. Have I mentioned before that Namibians enjoy ‘playing office’? All the meetings I’ve been in, it never seems as though ANYTHING is accomplished. It’s as if everyone is 10 years old, bored on a Saturday afternoon and decide to play secretary, play boss, play office. It’s a lot of pencil pushing and talking with no resolutions ever made. It’s a big waste of time and really makes one thankful for the organization skills that come naturally to Americans. This is exactly the reason that in the short 2 years Peace Corps volunteers are at site, that only one or two things get completed - from start to finish completed.
I ended up receiving 3 packages today! 2 from my sister and one from Steve and Jess. It was like Christmas. Shelly sent me a bunch of GREAT food, books and crosswords! Steve and Jess sent me thumb drives, books, and a blue tooth adapter to try and get internet via my phone. We headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for taco night then headed home. I decided to try to hook up the blue tooth thing though I am fairly computer illiterate when it comes to more complex things. Well, Christmas came once again when I figured it out and BAM!!! I now have regular internet access via my phone! It’s very exciting and at the same time I have been without it for so long that it’s also not THAT big of a deal. I know that sound weird, but I guess when you go without something for so long, you start not to miss it.

Friday, March 7 - Monday, March 10:
Friday I worked on a quote sheet for the garden committee while Sarah did her thing. We went to the open market for lunch and had authentic African food - ie. mahangu, ekovi and some pieces of meat which we ate with our hands. It’s becoming so normal for me to eat with my hands that I don’t think about it. Let’s hope dysentery doesn’t think about it either.
We headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s to hang with them Lisa, Alex, Christine and Ben. I hadn’t seen Lisa in awhile so was nice to catch up. I decided to cut loose a bit and drink some (brandy and 7up) and well, I paid for it. I felt so old because I threw up on the way back to Sarah’s. I didn’t even feel sick, it just came up. Needless to say I just don’t need to drink at all!
Saturday we shopped for the big ‘Curry Cook-off’ that evening. I was going to try my hand at making samosas and she was making Chicken curry. Both turned out quite well. Ben was also doing the curry thing and Lisa was making her famous carrot cake. The meal turned out amazing and I felt like a total pig for the amount of food I ate. It was great! I played a round of Scrabble with Lisa and Lindsey while Sarah played Monopoly with Scot and Ben. Quite an exciting evening to say the least.
Sunday we just chilled out. Sarah had planned a meeting with Ben Bikes - an organization that supplies low costs bikes to home based health care groups. I was set to meet with him as well, but Dinah and John showed up right before he did and I had to catch a ride back to site with them. We did however hang out briefly with John and Julia, 2 new friends of Sarah’s. John is obviously gay and we are pretty sure Julia is as well. I kept trying to steer the conversation towards what the general attitude about homosexuality is here in Namibia and finally John opened up about his sexuality. Sarah and I have both decided to remain in the closet while here. It’s not out of any type of shame, it’s more that we don’t want it to get in the way of the work we do here. We are only here for 2 years and can only accomplish so much with the resources we have, so to possibly damage our productivity by revealing that information, is just not necessary. I wanted to tell John about myself so that maybe he had an outlet to talk about those types of things with, but again, I chose not to. It may be something I do down the road, but not right now.
Sarah and I have labeled the Sundays when we part company as GB Sundays. If you are really curious about what the GB stands for just ask. Needless to say, they suck big time. I get back to site and am hit with my feelings of loneliness hard. By the next day I am fine…but the first day back is rough. I am sure it will stop feeling that way at some point. Tonight was great though because I ran into Shelly on yahoo messenger and we were able to chat for a bit. I am working towards strengthening and repairing our relationship. I have shut her out for the past several years of my life, not really understanding why. I’ve been able to put my finger on some of the issues since being here and also been able to share them with her and have her receive the information in a positive way. It’s a very good thing. Mark also called and we talked for about 90 minutes. I LOVE that man so much. We are also working through things we were never able to deal with directly in our relationship. Maybe it’s the distance that allows us to be so honest. Maybe It’s the fact that so much of my own shit has come up since being here that it feels like purging to be able to talk through it. Regardless, I’m loving where it is taking him and I. There were plenty of times back in the states where I would look at him from across the table or when he was driving us somewhere and think…this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But then my own shit would get in the way of allowing me to be that happy. I plan on leaving as much of that ‘shit’ here in Mpungu Vlei!
Today marks 2 months I have been at sight with a reminder that I have been in the country now for 5 month. I researched some info for the women who want to start the sewing business and started to formulate a plan for the curriculum of English Club. I’ve never taught anything before, but I can’t imagine it’s that hard to design a class each week. I was able to track down some books via Christine for some ideas and a chalkboard from the clinic that I can use. I am hoping to start that in the next few weeks. I also put a call into Lejeune, my APCD, to just check in and find out if I am in the right place as far as my plans and goals and she confirmed that I was right on.

Tuesday, March 11 - Wednesday, March 12:
Monday was filled with Rukwangali, finishing up some work on the quote sheet for the garden and basically just taking it easy. I have really been wanting to find a way to meditate. Meditate on a deep level, but I haven’t found my niche yet. I can’t just sit still and quiet my mind…that never works. Yoga helps, but I question whether I am doing the poses right and to the right extent…yadda yadda yadda.
Tuesday I worked on some administrative stuff for Lyambezi, walked to the school to print it out, had lunch, had a meeting with the garden committee to find tune some more details and give them the quote sheets for materials, do some yoga, and watch a movie. Is it just me or are the days starting to speed up here? And if they are, does that mean I am adjusting? I read Vanity Fair, the Africa issue today…from July of last year (I ran across it at Scot and Lindsey’s). It was all about all the big-wigs who are doing things to help this nation. I realized while reading that I sort of fell into that category. No, I’m not giving billions of dollars to build schools and stuff, but I am doing things on a very grassroots level. All PCVs are. You never really hear about the PC any more. I mean, seriously…when was the last time you read an article referencing it? And yet there are thousands of people every year who set aside 2 years of their life in service to others. It’s actually amazing. It’s actually quite a privilege to be here. I keep telling myself that every time I have a desire to go home. I’ve settled into the realization that I came here for many wrong reasons. But I know I need to stay here for the few right ones. I’m keeping the faith, baby.