January

Tuesday, Jan. 1 - Wednesday, Jan. 2:
New Years Day was spent mainly relaxing. We had our secret Santa gift exchange which was fairly uneventful. Most of us had already given gifts to our prospective persons. I have been waiting for a package from the US that contains the gift for mine. So I wrote them a note stating as such. Did some yoga, ate some food, played some video games and then ended the night the best possible way - watching Love Actually on the big screen.
Yeah, January 2nd, Happy Birthday to me! Today started out nice. Had some language, then some more training, was able to get to the internet and send off the journal and catch up on emails. We had one-on-one interviews with our APCDs and language trainers today to discuss how we perceive ourselves compared to how they see us. My interview seemed to last quite awhile but was very positive. I am pretty good about judging myself and determining whether I excel or need work in particular areas. My strengths and weaknesses according to me, matched their assessment. They were very complimentary of my leadership during the workshop and how I have carried myself throughout the training in general. So I left feeling really good.
Came back to my room and worked on some Rukwangali for a bit. Wendy texted me to see if I was up for yoga. I said yes and finished up what I was doing on the computer. I then headed down to yoga, leaving Jay in the room by himself. When I returned from yoga about an hour later, I discovered my cell phone and headphones were gone. I searched the room completely and finally realized they had been stolen. I KNOW it wasn’t one of my roommates, but I also realize that they have a tendency to leave the door open and leave when no one is in the room. I’ve come back plenty of times to find the door open and no one around. It just REALLY REALLY sucks because I was waiting on birthday phone calls from the states which now of course I’ll never get. It also means that I’m out all that money for the phone AND have to purchase another one WITH a new phone number.
I had to file a police report because of the incident. I remember when I was talking to Linda the director that I had seen a young boy, around 12 years of age, walking around upstairs earlier that day. I didn’t think anything about it because I never really know who is here that belongs here or not. But I have a feeling it was him. My digital camera was laying out, along with my watch and yet those weren’t taken. He or whomever, obviously walked in rather quickly and just saw it laying there in a pile with the headphones and figured he could shove it in his pocket. I just hate theft. It’s SUCH a violation. Not the best way to end my birthday, that’s for sure.
Thursday, Jan. 3:
I am officially sick of being sick. I feel as though I have been ill more in the past 2 months than I have the past 2 years. I don’t know if it’s the constant stress we are under (or that I put myself under) or it’s living in one condition for a week then another or the change in water or food or what!!!??!?! But it seems as though at least once every 10 days I get a sick headache and throw up. It never quite feels like the flu - there is no malaise or chills - so I have written off anything serious. I just hate being sick. It ruins the whole day for me. Most medicines usually make me nauseous so I end up not taking anything and just riding it through. I’m going to give it a few more weeks, after settling into my site a bit, and see if things change. If not, I’m going to contact my PCMO and consider whether it might be the malaria medication that is doing something to me. It’s the only ‘constant’ that I can put my finger on.
Today was another boring day going over policy and rules. I realize they have to drill this into our heads so we have no excuse for not knowing what to do in a given situation, but I’m just over it. Tomorrow we begin our first day of the 2 day workshop the healthies are putting on for the educator. Tomorrow night we have a talent show which should be fun. I’m usually more excited about ‘performing’ but with all that is going on - phone, sick, etc. - I am unmotivated to do anything. We’ll see if I end up putting anything together for it. You know I feel bad if I am not interested in being center of attention, lol.

Thursday, Jan. 3 - Friday, Jan. 4:
Yesterday we had language and then pretty much had the day to ourselves except for one-on-one interviews with Philomena and Selma. My interview went very well. We were given self-evaluation forms in order to judge where we thought we were in regards to training. I am pretty good with self-evaluation sort of things and so I completed mine very honestly. We had to rate specific areas on a scale of 1 to 3. For the most part I gave myself 3s and 2s but there was one questions about ‘how well do you work with ambiguity’ in which I gave myself a 1. Ambiguity is NOT one of my strong points - I deal much better with specifics. You tell me how to do something a particular way, I’ll do it that way. If you come back and tell me you wanted it done differently, that doesn’t work for me. Their evaluation of me matched mine pretty much to the point. They said they were very proud of me and had no doubt I was capable of being a valuable asset to the Mpungu community. It made me feel very good and helped to alleviate any doubts that may still be lingering in the back of my skull.
Today the healthies began their workshop for the educators. Sarah and I were going to do stigma and stereotypes at 2. She informed me the night before that she had to go to Windhoek this morning to be seen by the doctor - she hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time. Well, she didn’t make it back before our session and I hadn’t prepared ANYTHING for it cause she told me she had it under control. The one thing you CANNOT do in this country or with the Peace Corp in general, is assume. I ended up having to do the class myself and I pulled it right out my butt. What was good about that experience is that now I know I can fly by the seat of my pants and it will still work out. I relaxed the rest of the day, doing some laundry and working on Rukwangali. Monday we have our final LPIs for language and we have to test ‘intermediate low’, lol. Basically, being able to say things that we see in the room and give people directions to a destination.
Tomorrow night is a talent show and initially Sarah and Obie were going to work on a script for Emily and I. That never transpired, but I still wanted to perform. I know I mentioned the other day that I wasn’t in the mood be on stage, but that has changed. I asked Sarah if she was willing to do something with me and she agreed. We’ve decided to lipsync (which my friends know I LOVE to do). We are going to be Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson and perform ‘To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before’. It’s going to be a RIOT! I’m going to dedicate the performance to Naz, cause she and I karaoked? the song at a bar in Cincinnati.

Saturday, Jan. 5:
I spent most of the day doing some prep work for my LPI on Sunday - so I skipped the meat of the health sessions. I did go to Emily and Kengo’s for a bit to help them out with STIs. The day seemed to stretch on and on. Eventually, I met up with Sarah so we could practive for our number in the talent show. Had dinner at 6 and then everyone spent time getting ready.
I have to say, that this night, above all others, is the most fun I’ve had since I entered the country. We had such a variety of ‘acts’ - from singing and slam poetry to ‘the robot’ and lip sinking. I haven’t laughed so hard in the last 2 months. Some people sang songs we knew but had changed the words to be Nam27 appropriate. Others read poetry they had written - really, deep stuff - it was amazing. My and Sarah’s went off beautifully and everyone just roared with laughter. Even the Namibians! Every act, regardless of the content, received lots of applause and reaction. It was as though not only did people enjoy watching, but they were also supporting each person who went up. It was a true bonding moment.
Willie and Julio

Afterwards, Griff and Eric and planned a ‘tailgate’ party to celebrate some football team making it’s way to the Super Bowl (I suck at sports, so I don’t even know honestly if they were talking about that or the World Series). They grilled kabobs, chicken and green beans. We played music and everyone danced and hung out. Though it was a festive evening and I did enjoy it, I found myself being a bit melancholy. I was looking around at the friendships that have formed since I was here and wondered exactly how close they were. I’ve made some friends, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel I’ve bonded with someone on such a level that I feel completely connected. Now maybe no one feels that way yet, I don’t know. But I found myself wondering why. Is it because I’m pretty guarded and it takes me awhile to get really close to someone? Is it because I haven’t ‘connected’ with someone on a personal level yet? Like I don’t feel I have someone here that I could completely confide in and lean on. Again, I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels that way. I have to say though, it makes one feel very alone and when you are dealing with everything involved in the PC, being alone only intensifies the emotion. This is my obstacle to overcome while here. Like I’ve said before…I have handled everything Africa has thrown my way, but the ‘aloneness’ is a live animal that is continually gnawing away at my stomach. I hope I look back at my journal entries 3-4 months from now and wonder how the hell I could have ever felt this way.

Sunday, Jan. 6 - Wednesday, Jan. 9:
The last 4 days have been sort of a blur, so I will try to remember and piece together my life a bit. Sunday we had our LPIs which are our language final oral exams before heading off to site. They wanted people to score at least an intermediate low, otherwise they’d be required to have a tutor at the site. I, of course, scored an intermediate low. Only a handful of people did. I did NOT study for it at all, so I am very happy with the results. Other than that, I just chilled all day and then watched a movie in the evening.
Monday continued with the LPIs and then we had a few trainings - our final trainings - in the afternoon. It was more of a question and answer session for any last minute details we needed to know before heading out. After dinner in the evening, some people headed to the river bed to chill out, sort of a final get together. I wasn’t feeling well, had a headache, so I stayed back and went to bed early. I do have a sad story to share though. I may or may not have mentioned Skylla’s dog Libby, the cute little puppy she had when I was staying with her in Divundu while shadowing Paul. Remember? Well, I was told Libby had died, had been bitten and eaten by a black mamba. I am definitely NOT in Kansas any more. How often does anyone in the states loose their dog to a snake?
Where’s the Gap?

Tuesday was quite the adventure. This was our big shopping day in Windhoek, the capital. I had no idea what to expect because I’ve spent 2 months in the small town of Okahandja and of course, even smaller villages during other parts of the training. Well, arriving in Windhoek, I felt like I was back in the states. I could literally have been in some big city in Florida or southern California. The architecture was current, the buildings were more than 1 story. They took us to two malls in order for us to buy things we needed for our sites. What’s difficult about doing this is that 1. Our settling in allowance of 2500 did not get into our accounts in time and 2. Until you live in a place a week or two, it’s difficult to know exactly what you are going to need to make it feel like home. I needed to buy a phone, running shoes and a guitar. I had a few other things on my list, but those were the most important.
Have I mentioned that I am going to learn to play the guitar while here? An even better story is the following: back when I first got here, I was offered to buy a guitar from Luke, a 25er who was getting ready to COS. I hee’d and haw’d for a day or 2 and then he ended up selling it to Seth. I was upset, but it was my own fault for not acting sooner. Well, last week, Seth was sent home (or ET’d = early termination) for his drinking. Yes, you can be ‘fired’ from the Peace Corp if they feel your behavior is culturally offensive. I loved Seth. He and I were becoming good friends, BUT, he does have a problem with alcohol and I do believe him being back in the states is a good thing. He was also the guy who was mugged in Grootfontein during CBT. Well, anyways, he came to me and offered to sell me the guitar (him knowing I wanted one badly) and said he was ONLY selling it to me. I checked my money situation and came up with a solution that he agreed to. 2 nights later, he informs me that Nick, another PCV, already paid him and took the guitar. I was pissed. 1. Because he offered it to me first and 2. Because I purposely did not ask him for it because he was leaving. So I was upset with both of them for a couple of days. Yes, 10 weeks after being here I can still be a whiney baby J
Well, our first stop in the capital was the PC office to meet some more of the staff. As I was entering the building I ran into Patrick. I’m sure I’ve mentioned him. The 25er who is extending for a 3rd year and will be stationed in Rundu as the Kavango gang’s PC leader. So, he comes up to me and asks if I got his text message the day before. I informed him that I had not because my phone had been stolen. He says, ‘I got you a guitar’. I’m like, what? He tells me another 25 who was COS’ing (that’s ‘close of service’) had one and was just leaving it behind, so Patrick snagged it for me. It’s such a lesson in not only patience but also in ‘everything happens for a reason’. Those times I was pissy cause I missed out on actually buying a guitar and here I ended up with a free one 2 days before I leave for site. I cannot tell you how happy that made my entire day.
On the road again…

Okay, now back to the ‘mall’. It was very surreal to walk into an actual ‘mall’ filled with stores of clothing, household goods, music and video games and even a Virgin Active gym! To think I’m here to serve people who have absolutely NO money and barely exist and yet there are those living in the same country with money enough to spend on throw pillows. I realize to an extent that this exists in the states as well, but here it is so blatant.
We’ve been instructed all along to spend our settling in allowance on things to make our place ‘homey’. I mean, we are going to be living in our places for 2 years, so why not make it as comfortable as possible. I found myself in a dilemma once again. There was a part of me that feels I should live just as everyone around me is living. But the truth is, I’m not. I have a really nice, clean and spacious 1 room flat with electricity and running water. The majority of the people in my village live in huts with none of those things. So I’m walking around in these stores, wanting to buy decorative votive holders and throw rugs to make my place MINE and yet a part of me joined to Peace Corp to see how simply I could exist. I really wanted to only purchase ‘necessities’ over the next 2 years. So the struggle began and though I’m still internalizing how I feel about it all, I decided that all the challenges I face just being here (from the language to the heat) is enough in itself. If I have the opportunity to make myself a little more comfortable by buying a fern printed shower curtain (N$79 at Mr. Price Home), then I’m going to do it. I did however put back the decorative votive holders because I had previously thought I could make my own by recycling aluminum cans.
When all was said and done I had bought a comforter (they say it’s going to get down to 40 degrees this winter…brrrr), a colander, can opener, fern printed shower curtain, bath mat, computer speakers, a new yoga mat, headphones (to replace the stolen ones), a sleeping bag (when I crash at other PCV’s places), a headlamp (for avoiding black mambas when walking at night), 2 cereal bowls (on sale 2 for one), 2 plates (same deal as the bowls) and a Leatherman (like a Swiss army knife but better). I do have to purchase other things like pots, pans, spoon, fork, knife and other cooking related paraphanalia but I will wait until I am settled for about a week to see what I really need. I do want a lamp to read by because the fluorescents overhead will give me a headache. I also plan on putting up some shelving in the kitchen and bathroom, creating a type of room divider to separate my bedroom from the kitchen, having a bookshelf built for storage, buying some philodendron to livin’ up the place and a hammock for my veranda (yes, I have a veranda).
Today we had our swearing in to officially become Peace Corp volunteers. Personally, I’ve never NOT felt like one. They kept using terms like PC trainee throughout the past 10 weeks but it never rang true for me. There was a small reception afterwards and then 58 of the 69 of us left were heading to site directly afterwards. It was sad to see everyone leave and yet, you could see the excitement in people’s eyes that they finally get to settle in and begin their PC experience. I’m glad I had one more day to chill, pack (and I have a ton of shit somehow) and get a good night’s sleep. Those of us left did a braai with some veggies and goat meat and now we are thinking of walking to the riverbed for one last hurrah. See, we won’t ever be back in Okahandja for the most part. All our future trainings are in Windhoek or just outside of. So, it’s sort of like saying goodbye to summer camp. I will miss my friend and the first few weeks at my site are going to be an adjustment, but my head is on straight now and I think it will be easier than before. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll have my dark nights and you’ll definitely hear about them.
The boys from room 26.

Thursday, Jan. 10 - Friday, Jan. 11:
All packed and ready for the 11 hours of driving to get to my site. We were scheduled to leave around 9. Needless to say (and true to form in Namibian time) we didn’t drive away from Okahandja until around 1:40. Trust me, I wasn’t looking forward arriving and unpacking my stuff around midnight. I then discovered, that the driver had not intended on taking me all the way to Mpungu. That I was supposed to ride in the other vehicle with 3 other people that left 30 minutes before. It didn’t even make sense. After looking at him rather strangely he told me not to worry about it, that he would make sure I make it there tonight. I KNEW I wouldn’t but I kept saying ‘Ihn’ which is ‘yes’ in Rukwangali.
We arrived in Nkurenkuro to drop Sarah off at exactly 11 pm. I was in NO shape physically or mentally to make the remainder of the 40 minute drive to my site and then unload my stuff. Oh, did I mention that my supervisor wasn’t even there! When I contacted him about the key to my place, he informed me he was on holiday until the end of the month. The American in me wanted to shout ‘hey buddy, you’ve known for 6 weeks that you needed to find me transport to my site and now you are on vacation and can’t be bothered?!?!?!?’ But I kept those thoughts in my head and returned to the place that reminds me how the PC expects us to be ‘flexible’. Needless to say, I spent the night in Nkurenkuro with Sarah and crashed.
Today, I got up and called my super again to find out the situation - yesterday, he had stated that the drive would pick me up around 10 am. It’s not 6 pm. My super is nowhere to be found and the drive hasn’t arrived or called. Levy, the drive from yesterday, hasn’t brought up taking me to Mpungu at all and though Sarah has mentioned it to him, he seems uninterested in aiding me in my quest. My super said earlier that he was headed this way but then going to the bush, NOT going to Mpungu. I’m like, what the hell - couldn’t you pick me up and drop me off on the way? Wouldn’t’ you think he’d want to make sure his volunteer for the next two years was settling into his place? I’m thinking at this point that I’ll be spending yet another night with Sarah. I suppose I have 2 years to work on my patience when it comes to some of the cultural differences I’m going to face in communication.
By the way, this is Sarah.

Saturday, Jan. 12:
It was a great morning - hanging out with Sarah, then doing some shopping to pick up a few more things for my site. I was holding off on a lot of kitchen type things because Sarah’s supervisor bought her a ton of stuff and I didn’t want to show up at my place and my super has done the same. When we were leaving the grocery, low and behold I ran into my super. He seemed very pleased to see me and he was on his way to his farm for the rest of the month. I don’t quite see him as a farmer but, oh well. The driver was also with him and so after some greetings, Samuel drove us to Sarah’s where we loaded up the truck with my stuff and headed to Mpungu.
I was actually excited on the drive. Anxious a little too, but excited just the same. Upon arrival, I looked at my phone and noticed there were no bars. This made me nervous. Had the reports about Mpungu having cell reception been wrong? So then I head to my door with a handful of stuff and first notice there are no burglar bars installed. That is priority number 1 with PC. I took a deep breath and entered my flat….only to realize it was in the exact same condition as when I left it 6 weeks before. No stove, a fridge that doesn’t shut properly thus not cooling anything AND stocked with a nest of roaches, a shower that doesn’t have hot water, the corroded drain pipe of the bathroom sink still leaking, the missing door on the kitchen cabinet still missing and the toilet tank continually refilling. I have to admit that I freaked out a bit at first. I mean, my supervisor is gone till the end of the month so what am I supposed to do? How do I cook? How do I keep my stuff cold and frozen and roach free? And hell, what would I cook with if I did have something to do so? And after all the cold baths I took for the month in Grootfontein, I wasn’t looking forward to a cold shower.
After whining a bit to myself and also to Helena (my counterpart and a nurse) I settled into some cleaning. I spent the next 5 hours scrubbing the shower stall (you should see it, you could eat off of it now), cleaning out some of the cabinets, scrubbing walls and the inside of my closet. It felt good - oddly enough - to do this and while doing it, I kept thinking of things I want to do to make my place a home. I’m definitely getting a hammock for the back porch and LOTS of plants. I also plan on putting up shelves and hell, if I can get away with it - PAINT!!! It currently is a very drab yellow and if I don’t want to end up slitting my wrists during the next 2 years, I MUST throw some color on these walls.
Seriously, you could eat here now.

Helena brought me a hotplate that sort of works and by 7 I had everything put in it’s place. I put on my new tennis shoes and went for a run. It felt VERY good to actually exercise - it’s been months ya know. I stopped by to introduce myself to the VSOs at the school and noticed Alex and Christine were home so visited them for a bit instead. His parents are here visiting so I met them as well. After a downpour of rain (oh, did I mention it hasn’t stopped raining in days up here in the Kavango?), I jogged the rest of the way home. Cooked a few veggie dogs on my hotplate (I feel like I’m back in college), showered and sat down to journal.
Martha would be proud.

Now, I’m back to that dilemma - do I have a right to gripe about the things above and demand they be fixed? With people around me living in huts and barely having enough to eat…do I gripe? It’s a fine line because I can’t imagine taking cold showers for the next 2 years especially during Africa’s winter. It may not snow here but I hear it gets damn cold! I sent a text message to my APCD and she said Benna would contact the appropriate people on Monday. I can live with all of it for a bit and maybe even learn to work around it all…I just want to be able to make banana bread J
The loneliness is going to take some getting used to. Once I integrate a bit and meet some people, I’ll find other things to do but being holed up here by myself tonight is sort of rough. I’m hoping it fades. I mean, it’s not the sinking gut feeling I had when I was first here so that’s a good sign. I need to approach the entire experience from a Buddhist point of view and just ‘be’ - but THAT is something I will have to work on!

Sunday, Jan. 13 - Tuesday, Jan. 15:
Sunday was such a long day. I’m sure everyone (as well as myself) is getting tired of me complaining. I keep trying to approach this experience from different angles because I keep doubting my reasons for being here. I really do want to challenge myself and grow as a person, but I sometimes think that I was looking more for a spiritual journey and less for an altruistic mission. Does that even make sense? It’s not that what I’m doing isn’t spiritual, it’s just that my performance anxieties are continually at the forefront of my mind. If I had just decided to travel for a year, exploring the world and myself, I think I would be more at ease. Being here and having to accomplish something or somethings adds a certain pressure. I realize that the life I had made for myself in Cincinnati was designed to avoid a lot of ‘pressure’. I had an easy job, worked at my own pace, had time to explore other interests and was basically in control. I am putting such an extra amount of stress on myself - I just don’t know how to stop doing that. On one hand I know that the people here will be completely happy if the only thing I do in the next 2 years is plant a garden. That would be enough for them because it’s more than they could accomplish on their own. Being the over-achiever/perfectionist that I am, I want to do so much more. God I need to stop. Even as I’m writing this, I’m getting pissed off at myself. How much of what I am feeling is just me or is a lot of it what most PCVs experience? Some of my fellow comrades just seem so ‘excited’ to be here and though I have moments where I feel ‘honored’ to be here…I’m not sure if I’ve reached the excited stage yet. It’s funny how every minute of my day was filled with something back in the states and here it’s completely empty…nothing but me and my thoughts and those seem to keep spewing out of me into this journal. Please bear with.
Back to Sunday. I went for a run then decided to attend church. Now I haven’t set foot inside a ‘religious’ building in many years, so this was quite a leap. I figured it was a good way to meet people and aid the integration process. Well, 3 hours of a Lutheran sermon in Rukwangali would make most people apply a sharpened piece of steel to their carotid, but I muddled through. Near the end, the HIV counselor from the clinic leaned up to me and asked if I wanted to be introduced and to say a few words. Of course my initial reaction was HELL NO, but I settled down quickly and said ‘sure’. The pastor motioned me up front and I said a few words in the local language (all that I could pull out of my head in the moment) and then spoke in English with a translator. I basically introduced myself and gave some reasons for being there.
After the service, I talked a bit with Andreas who is in charge of the Elcin Aids Action group. They are a home-based health care group for people with HIV. We talked about the garden (which is already under way to my surprise) and spoke a bit about home visits. I plan on shadowing him over the next few months to see what they are about and to meet the people they take care of. Out of that will come some ideas I’m sure of how I can strengthen their group.
Later on I did an hour and a half of yoga followed by an hour of meditation. I will have to do that EVERY day because it got me to a centered place that I haven’t connected with since entering Namibia. Maybe if I look at this entire experience as a long Zen retreat with the bonus of having things to do on the side, it will help me get through it. Damn, is that how I am approaching PC as something I need to just get through?
I was pleasantly brought out of my trance by a phone call from Steve. It was SO good to hear his voice and catch up. It’s funny to me that back in the states I HATED talking on the phone - HATED IT! Here I welcome the opportunity to connect with the US. I think part of my problem with feeling alone here is that I feel a million miles away from friends and family - when actually, I could be home within 24 hours if need be. Again, it’s my mind f’n with me.
Steve’s phone call was followed by one from Dave - between the meditation and the phone, it was the best few hours I’ve had in quite some time.
Monday was my first day on the ‘job’ though my super isn’t here for 2 more weeks. I basically have to find things to do until then. I decided to sit in on the HIV counselor while he did pre/post-test and couples counseling. He seems qualified and the people seem to trust him but I felt there was something missing. This could be me not understanding the culture yet. Some of the stuff he did he was literally reading right from a small book that contained chapters on what to say if someone is negative, positive, etc. I’m hoping to maybe change a little of how that works. I asked him about my office and we searched for a key to no avail. He said I’d have to wait until Lyambezi returns. I would SO much like to get in the space and start cleaning and figure out what I need to make it mine. We are also going to help one another with language.
I got a text from Christine that they were headed to Nkurenkuru for a Braai at Scot and Lindsey’s around 3 and did I want to come. Of course I did. It was good to see them but also to catch up with Sarah even though it’s been just a few days. I also got to meet the VSOs from England - Dinah and John. They seem very cool and it’s nice to have 2 more people I can hang with out here in Mpungu. If I have social events such as this to look forward to on occasion, it will definitely help with the loneliness. It just takes me SO long to open up to people and let them in. With the language and cultural barrier I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable here. Will I ever truly make friends…
Today, Tuesday has just been more of the same. Add to that, that I tried to make chakalaka and chapatis in one skillet on one burner on a hotplate. It was truly adventurous and didn’t turn out too badly.

Wednesday, Jan. 16:
Well, today was a little bit better. I HOPE that’s a good sign and not just that I’ve gone mental in the past 24 hours and can’t distinguish between reality and what’s in my head. It was raining this morning so I didn’t go for a run, which was just as well. I really wasn’t in the mood to do it anyways. Went and hung out with the counselor for a bit. It’s been interesting watching the young people (early 20s) come in for pre-test counseling. One one hand they are so ‘non-chalant’ about being tested for HIV - as if it’s the most routine thing in the world. People I know back home FREAK about getting tested. Second, when it comes to talking about sex and sexual activity, it’s like they are in the dark ages. And these girls coming in at 19 and 20…pregnant. It’s like they have nothing else to do after school but start a family.
After a few clients today, I asked about sex education here in Mpungu. He said there wasn’t any. I asked if he talked with his clients about other forms of sex (ie. Oral, masturbation, etc.) besides just intercourse and he said he didn’t. Of course my mind started turning. I asked if he thought, that if I had an ‘open door’ policy in my office for people to come and ask/discuss ANYTHING with me ESPECIALLY stuff about sex, that it would be a good thing. His eyes lit up and he said YES. So yet another project for me to do. I also showed him an area that I had discovered yesterday that I thought would make a good spot for an orchard - to grow fruits for the children at the hostel next to the clinic. He was all for that. We went over a few words in Rukwangali and then I came back to study.
I worked on my language for a bit and then did my 90 minute yoga followed by 1 hour of meditation routine. I seriously need to do that every day. I feel so good inside and out. During yoga, while I was in downward dog, I noticed the counselor outside my door. He must have been standing there for quite some time but not wanting to disturb me, he remained silent. I asked if he needed anything and he said yes. I paused the tape and went to the door. There was a young girl with him. He tells me she wanted to meet me. I said, okay. I introduced myself and she to me. She then says ‘I just wanted to meet you cause the counselor told me you are going to be talking about how to have sex’. It was hard not to laugh out loud. I said, well, yes. I plan on having an office and if anyone wants to talk about sex, has questions regarding it, etc., they are free to stop by and see me anytime. Her eyes lit up. I told her to tell all her friends as well. I think I’m going to be inadvertently starting a sexual revolution in Mpungu. But seriously, if the only concept of sex they have is penetration, they need some education. The whole conversation made me realize that I was put at this site for a reason and I should definitely stick it out.
Thursday, Jan. 17 - Friday, Jan. 18:
It was raining this morning do I didn’t manage to go for a run before work. Today I got to meet a few of the people in the home-based health care group AND people in the HIV+ support group. They have meetings once a month. Via the translator I was able to hear some of their complaints about clients and about projects - especially the garden. I realized very quickly that a lot of my initial work with the groups is to get them organized. They are somewhat flailing. Their hearts are in the right place and they are all eager to lend a hand, they just need a little direction. For example…one thing they complained about was that some of their clients (HIV+ ones) are found to be drunk when they arrive to cook for them or drop off medication. It bothers them that they aren’t taking better care of themselves. Well, I said why don’t we put them on a warning system. If you show up once and they are drunk, that’s one warning. If it happens again, they are put on suspension for 30 days. That’s 30 days without any help from the group. If you return after that and they’ve cleaned up their act, they go back on the list. If not, that slot is filled with someone who is looking out for themselves and can use the care. Now, that may seem kinda harsh. But when your resources are extremely limited and the helping hands are few, you have to focus your attention on those who are willing to be somewhat responsible. They actually LOVED the idea. It seemed so obvious to me. What I’m realizing is these people are so down-trodden and have NO self-esteem. I definitely have to take the role of ‘morale booster’ for the next 2 years to lift them up.
Scary, isn’t it?

The rest of the day was spent with language, yoga and then heading to the VSOs for dinner. Dinah and John were making pizza for us. It was great to hang out, socialize and eat some REALLY good (surprisingly so) pizza. With real feta cheese!!! Trust me when I say, it’s the small things. I hung out until around 9, borrowed some movies and a book and headed back to my site. Have I mentioned that it’s like monsoon season here and has been raining constantly. It’s nice cause it cools everything down and the ‘green’ is abundant once again. Let me just say though, that I thought I was having a biblical experience when I got down to the valley. There seemed to be a billion frogs on the road and in the marshes mating. The noise was amazing. I wanted to just lie down in the road and listen and stare at the stars and if I wasn’t so afraid of being bitten by an ‘ezoka’ (snake) I would have. It was surreal. Thank God I had my headlamp or I would have squashed several couples in the throws of made love.
Fridays are going to be great days because we end early, lol. Things at the clinic wind up around 1 and I think that’s when my supervisor is usually going to head off to Rundu. I met with the counselor a bit, though we had no clients, and worked on Rukwangali. He found me a ride to Nkurenkuru with a teacher (which ended up costing me 20 bucks, which is no big deal). Another project idea came to mind. On Fridays, I’m going to have a 1 hour English class with the hospital staff to help them with their language. It should be pretty fun.
I SMS’d (texted) Sarah to say I’m on my way and she was ecstatic. I had a great conversation with the teacher on the way. We also stopped to pick up some hikers for the back of his truck - chickens and all, lol.
Sarah and I ran some errands. I needed to go to the hardware store for some screen (I’ve decided to hand-make paper out of all my scrap - instead of burning it in the trash heap) and I wanted some wire (cause I’m turning my empty tin cans into votive holders). I plan on applying for a job at Martha Stewart Inc. when I return to the states and opening up a department called ‘Decorating on a Shoe string’. We then bought stuff to make pizza - yes, I’m addicted. It turned out great (toppings included sautéed garlic and carmelized onions). I know what you are thinking…pizza? Carmelized onions? He’s NOT in the Peace Corp. But yes folks, I am. I may not be living in a hut and bucket bathing, but yes, I am here in Africa and have my own set of sacrifices I have to make and challenges I have to face. Have you gathered from any of my entries that I am beginning to ‘normalize’ to my experience? I AM finding my way and settling into it and every day the worry decreases and the excitement goes up. I think it’s going to be a cool ride.
Makin dinner at Sarah’s.

Saturday, Jan. 19 - Sunday, Jan. 20:
Saturday Sarah and I had all intentions of getting up and going for a run, but it had rained all night and was still wet and muddy in the morning, so we waited - hoping it might dry up for us later that afternoon. We hung out, did some yoga, got some stuff for the braai at Scot & Lindsey’s later that day and watched ‘Crash’. We had an unexpected visit from Miriam and Benna - PC staff who happened to be up in the Kavango area because they had had to check on some stuff for the Kaprivi kids. They just wanted to check on us and see if everything was going alright. It was nice. Justin and Wendy had tagged along with them to do some food shopping, so we briefly caught up with them as well.
A few of Sarah’s new friends and work co-horts stopped by in the afternoon. I sort of envy her that she is in a place where people can just stop by. My housing situation does not really allow that. I mean, eventually I will have friends and I will invite them over, but being situation on the clinic grounds, people don’t just meander by my place.
I tried to meditate a bit, but fell asleep. When I awoke, she was in the middle of making the pasta salad and so I took her chicken and headed over to S & L’s. Ben, who lives and works about 10k away, comes in once a week, so he was there as well. I really like all 3 of them. It’s not that I don’t like Christine and Alex (the 2 PCVs at my site), it’s just these guys are VERY laid back and I have felt comfortable hanging out with them from the get go. Scot cooked the chicken and mutton on the braai Lindsey got him for Christmas. We sat around, they had a few beers, we bitched about PC policies, heard and shared the latest gossip and just chilled - listening to music. You wouldn’t think something that simple would be so big in the life of a PCV but trust me, it is. It’s a small sense of normalcy when the rest of your existence is anything but.
It really makes me think about my life back home. I spent a lot of time alone. Not ‘alone’ in the sense of being lonely, but enjoying time being by myself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but sometimes I wonder if I kept myself away from people. I think I had begun to really isolate myself as I got older. Not wanting to put forth the effort to make and keep plans with people/friends. It was easier to just be in my house and expect Mark to come over there and hang out all the time. I definitely took him for granted in that respect. I very seldom went to his place…I always just assumed he would come to me. I’m so stupid. Being here and not knowing anyone yet and being so far away from Sarah, it makes me appreciate the people in my life back home that much more. I can’t believe weeks, if not months would go by without me seeing certain friends of mine. Pure laziness on my part…not wanting to make the drive or the commitment. God, commitment - now there’s a word I have issues with.
I just need to get through the next month or so and find my groove. Once I’m busy with things and have my office set up and have a normal ‘routine’ things will be good. At least that’s what ALL the current PCVs tell me. The weekends are just long and lonely so for a few months I will be heading somewhere on Friday through Sunday. Everyone in Namibia seems to think Sarah and I are a couple, so that’s a good way to get out of Mpungu with my supervisor!

Monday, Jan. 21:
Another day of watching young kids in their early 20s (usually pregnant) come in for their AIDS test. I realize what I am about to say is going to sound really stupid, but it never dawned on me how much the depressive state of this village might wear on me. I mean, I knew I’d see a lot of people with HIV and AIDS and I’ve worked/volunteered with people in the states, but there is so much of it here that I guess I never took into consideration how it might end up affecting me. I’m trying not to let it, but I fear it’s beginning to compound the feelings of inadequacy that already have pretty good control of my mind. I’m keepin’ the chin up though.
I realized today as well, that I seem to be facing all my ‘fears’ at once here and that’s why I feel so overwhelmed. First I have my feelings of inadequacy that I mentioned above, then there is the fear of being alone and I’ve only recently discovered my social anxiety. Most who know me wouldn’t think that, but since being here, it’s surfaced. Ah hell, I wanted to grow from this experience, didn’t I? Lol. Why not kill all the birds with one big fat f’n 2 year stone! Each and every time I have the desire to come back home, I am reminded of all of that. Whew. Brian Kest and Sarah McLachlan have got their work cut out for them to get me through this.
I forced myself to take a walk to the post office today (when I say post office, I mean the small 1 room stone hut that says ‘posa’ on the door). I have a feeling it takes an extra week or 2 on top of the 4 weeks to get mail to the states from here. Introduced myself to some new people, half of which were drunk. Then I find out half of those are teachers. I could easily eliminate HIV from here if I burnt down all the ‘shebeens’ (bars). Of course, they don’t burn because they are made from concrete, but you get the idea.
Did some yoga, played a video game, began reading a book on cultural integration, cooked dinner (chakalaka), walked to the store to buy some bread (it’s 2 dollars more a loaf here…OUTRAGEOUS!) and now I’m going to settle in with a book. Oprah seems to think ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ is a pretty good read, so I’ll let ya know.

Tuesday, Jan. 22 - Wednesday, Jan. 23:
Rukwangali, Rukwangali, Rukwangali. Oh how I love Rukwangali. (notice the sarcasm?) It seems as though my days revolve around learning new words and then learning even more new words. I mean really, do I need to know the Rukwangali word for high blood pressure? Just the same, I’m finding ways to make it fun. I just wish my supervisor would return from holiday so I can start setting up my office and get a little more organized. Sitting in on the AIDS counselor is fine, but since I only understand the words ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, I don’t really know what’s going on, lol.
Tried to fry some potatoes and onions for dinner but the potatoes were a tad rotten and of course there is no such thing as ‘non-stick’ in this country. So I burnt the rotten potatoes and covered them in Montgomery Barbeque sauce (compliments of Rick D.) In 2 years I think I’m going to apply to be on Top Chef…whatdya think?
Wednesday has been more of the same and yes, still eating the leftover potatoes - I just can’t throw anything away. I promised myself though that tomorrow’s lunch would be it. Anyways, tomorrow night is ‘dinner together’ night up at the school. Got to talk to Mark today, which is always the highlight of my week. Solitude has shed some insight into our relationship and though I’m thousands of miles away, I feel as though we are reaching new levels of communication or maybe I’m just being honest with myself and admitting I was wrong about a lot of things.
I’m going to settle down with ‘The Eagle Has Landed’ and then read some ‘Jitterbug Perfume’. Any movie with Michael Caine and Larry Hagman has got to be worth staying up late for J

Thursday, Jan. 24 - Saturday, Jan. 26:
I’ve got be better at writing every day because I forget things that happen when a few days pass. Thursday was fairly uneventful, spent some time at the clinic, did some yoga, then headed up to the school to have dinner. We had lentil burgers and chips. Was very good, but I think I may have mentioned that the teachers end up just talking about school and so I just sit there. The third wheel syndrome is kicking in. I did firm up plans for my ride the next day AND scheduled my first guitar lesson with Alex. It should be very interesting.
The morning, while out for my run, I bumped into the counselor who was hiking to Rundu for the day. That pretty much told me what my morning was going to consist of. With that in mind, I extended my run/walk for another 45 minutes, returned to the flat, worked on the dictionary, read a little and then packed and showered for the hike into the big city. The VSOs were very prompt and I was ready to go. The ride to Rundu is not very exciting - barring the beautiful scenery - and it actually made me somewhat nauseous because of the bumpiness of the road. 3 hours later we arrived and I was dropped off at Maggie’s. Everyone slowly arrived - Kerry, Cedar, Lisa, Justin, Sarah, Stephanie, Scot and Lindsey - and was great to catch up. I may have mentioned it before but once in the Peace Corps it’s instant family.
I had forgotten that it was Sarah’s birthday so we decided to go to the Omishari Lodge and have dinner. Damn. I have decided to treat myself to one dinner a month there. It was wonderful. The food was good, the scenery was beautiful - it has an amazing view of Angola (which, by the way we are not allowed to go there because of ‘unrest’ - this isn’t the Peace Corps saying this, it’s the US government!) If any of all you American bums come to visit me, I would recommend you stay there…or the Bavaria which is nice, but not as upscale.
Together again.

Our language instructors Magreth and Anne Marie stopped by as well and it just ended up being a wonderful evening. A type of wonderful evening that this soul is going to need from time to time in order to settle down completely here. It’s like giving up smoking…I can’t give up my American life completely in one full swoop, lol. We headed back to Maggies where we smoked tobacco from a hookah…and I really mean, tobacco, that’s it. I’d never done anything and it felt very ‘60s opium den-ish’. I have to say, that if you are going to smoke tobacco, you should always smoke from a hookah! It was clean, fresh - as clean and fresh as carcinogenic smoke can be - and gave me quite a little buzz. I’m such a hippie now. I slept on the concrete floor in my sleeping bag (not very well I might add) and woke the next morning to have pancakes before people started to head back to site.
Today has been an adventure trying to shop for things (shelving for my kitchen, screws and anchors, a mattress to keep at Patrick’s in Rundu for when I crash, etc). We went to the craft market and bought some fresh vegetables - I prefer buying as much from local people as possible. During this whole time of walking around it was raining profusely and we were drenched and well, what can I say…didn’t really care. I tried to use the internet at the café and was having a hard time but fortunately it was up and running at Maggie’s school and so it took me 2 and half hours to check about 50 emails. Dial-up here is, well, seriously DIAL-UP! I learned that my friend Kim’s mother past away this week and with that I thought of Heath Ledger and it seemed weird that there is this world that is continuing on outside of this capsule I feel I exist in now. It’s strange, but at the same time I’m beginning to accept it all. I can’t believe I’ve been here 3 months already - well, almost 3 months.

Sunday, Jan 27:
It’s about 8 pm and it hasn’t stopped raining now for 24 hours. Everything is the greenest of greens but it took me 3 ½ hours to travel 150 kilometers back to my site today. The dirt/gravel road was chopped up with puddles and rivets and at times, almost un-passable. If it had taken 10 minutes more I would have probably thrown up from the constant vertigo and bumpiness of it all. Each moment that I found myself complaining in my head, I would begin to laugh. Cause honestly, it is kinda funny.
Each time I return to Mpungu that ‘feeling’ that usually settles in over me, takes a little less control of my emotions. I suppose that’s a good thing. I do know that for another month or so, I will look forward to my weekends in Nkurenkuru with Sarah or those spent in Rundu.
I am in for the night to watch ‘Orlando’. It’s a movie by Sally Potter based on the novel by Virginia Woolf. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you do. It’s about a man who lives for 400 years and over the course of that times changes and ends up having a child. Some may find it kind of artsy and that is true but it’s also beautifully scripted and costumed and the music is amazing.
Oh yeah, the frogs and crickets are out in droves tonight. This has got to be the place where all the studios who make ‘environmental sounds’ soother chips for those alarm clocks come to record.

Monday, Jan. 28:
On the rollercoaster that is my life I find myself at the bottom of a hill. I really hate these ‘low’ days where my insecurities surface and my emotions are put to the test. I spent most of the day wondering once again what I am doing here. Did I join the PC for the right reasons? Was I running from something? Are the things I am running from going to be waiting for me when I return? Is the personal growth I hope to achieve from this experience going to be worth the stress I am put through? Or that I am PUTTING myself through. Fight or flight was kicking in strongly today and I had just about convinced myself that I should go home. It’s really hard to work through those hours.
My supervisor was officially back to work today and I’m sure that added to my stress. I met with him to ask what it is he expects of me over the next few months and of course he listed a lot of things I am unable or not supposed to do yet (via PC rules). He is stuck in one thought pattern. He wants me to eliminate the stigma of HIV in Mpungu. That’s not something that just happens. You change people’s minds through education and experience. Many of the projects I have thought about have to do with empowering the HIV+ people within the community and by doing that, they become ambassadors. It’s all such foreign territory to me. I sometimes feel as though I have been hired for a job that I have no skills or experience for. Like somehow I slipped through the cracks at human resources and winded up behind a desk with no clue. That’s where the insecurities come from and that’s where the doubt about whether I can or even SHOULD do this job originates. I mean, I could be back home, with friends, real food, a nice bed and a movie theater (I’m really missing my weekly trips to the cinema). Yes, I could have all that and still be giving back in some way. Volunteering my time where it is beneficial to others. Did I really need to travel 9,000 miles to do it? Will the 2 years I spent here be any more or less beneficial to the world than if I was doing something back home? These are the questions that clog my brain on a daily basis. Some more intensely than others.

Tuesday, Jan. 29 - Wednesday, Jan. 30:
I’m seriously wondering how many weeks in a row it has to rain before the Kavango PCVs are evacuated to higher ground. Seriously, it has POURED every day for about 10 days straight. Trust me, it’s green. It’s pretty. But it’s messing up my running schedule AND my every other day walk to the store for a pineapple Fanta. What’s a guy to do?
Lake resort property for sale!

The rain does bring about some interesting reptilian genre. I saw the biggest toad/frog EVER today. WAIT until I send/post pictures! It probably weighed 10 pounds and had a leg span of at least a foot. One of the attendants at the clinic was holding it outside the front door. My first question was ‘Are you going to eat that?’. Fortunately he said no.
Hungry?

So the constant rain keeps me inside, which ultimately leaves me with nothing to do. With nothing to do, all I do is think. All this time to think and all those doubts resurface. I’m trying to decide if the doubts just stem from me not having settled in yet or has the desire to be here faded? I do have a tendency to get bored with things rather quickly. That’s the ADHD in me. I’m just getting tired of second-guessing myself. Should I stay or should I go? To be or not to be? I get news through other PCVs and their experience and most are going through similar emotional rollercoasters. That helps keep me sane. I know some are completely at home here and know for sure that this was the right experience for them. Some of us still have our doubts. If I’m still doubting around April 1st, look out Cincinnati, here I come.

Thursday, Jan. 31:
Though I am enjoying re-writing the Rukwangali textbook and dictionary for the Peace Corps (mainly because it gives me something to do during this time of having nothing to do), my patience is wearing thin in regards to going over the words with the community counselor. Rukwangali is a language of few words. Where we have several words to describe one particular thing (ie. the word ‘explain’ can mean describe in detail, clarify, brief, detail, etc), Rukwangali will only have one word that means ALL those things. So as I’m going through the dictionary asking about definitions, I keep running across words that mean that same thing as about 100 other things. That’s what you get when you try to learn a non-written Bantu language!
Today was a better day than I’ve had this past week. I was a little more focused with some things to do - ie. type up the ‘annual’ leave schedule for the staff of the clinic (took me 10 minutes in Microsoft Excel) and I met with the counselor to discuss a meeting with the Buddy Support group tomorrow. All in all, a very productive day, lol. Tomorrow, after my meeting (which is supposed to be for like 4 hours), I’m hitching a ride to Nkurenkuru to hang with Sarah. I’m ready to get away. At this point, I still look forward to the weekends and hanging out with other volunteers. I hope that changes soon and the desire to be at my site during those 2 long days takes over.
Tonight was dinner with the ‘gang on the hill’ as I call em. Veggie lasagna (with butternut squash) and roasted potatoes. I cannot WAIT till I have stove and can really begin to cook! What, you expected us to eat porridge and chicken necks all the time? Hardly.
By the way, it’s still raining…