I apologize that is has taken me so long to update my blog. The cell reception is my village has not been that great and frankly, there hasn't been too much to say, lol.
Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:
Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.
Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.
Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.
After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.
In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.
It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.
The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.
I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.
Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.
We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.
At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.
At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.
Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.
The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?
In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.
I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Friday, March 6 - Monday 16:
Can this be right? Can it really have been 10 days since I’ve written in my journal? Honestly…this doesn’t make sense to me. My only excuse is that I’ve been busy and nothing ‘special’ has happened. I guess I get tired of writing the same thing every day - ‘well, not much happened today’. They did warn us during training that part way through our second year we will reach a time when the monotony and routine will set in. I suppose it has for me because I’m still confused as to why I haven’t written.
I went to Nkurenkuru last Friday night just to do some grocery shopping. I stayed with Caleb and Rachel instead of Sarah, because she was still in Windhoek. It was fun. The world teach volunteers came in from Nankudu and Rachel made pizza. Yum. We played ‘You Don’t Know Jack’ which was a blast. I came home the next day for the theater. I showed ‘The Matrix’ which they loved. I still need to figure out how to get the learners from the secondary school to attend. They get locked in on the weekends and the principal doesn’t want to let them go for fear they will go to the shebeens. I get it…I just don’t know how to work around it.
I have introduced ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ to my supervisor and another nurse. They now come over every Monday night to watch 2 episodes. It’s fun to watch it with them. I gotta go now cause they are on their way.
Tuesday, March 17 - Monday, March 23:
All I can say is…time is flying. I think that I’ve only missed a day or possibly two of writing and I pull up the journal to see it’s been about a week.
Recap:
Last Tuesday none of my primary OVCs showed up. I had no idea why. Then I found out the next day it’s because someone told them at the school that the afternoon program was cancelled. I typed up a list of all the names and submitted it to the primary school so we wouldn’t have a problem. On Wednesday, my older ones showed up so that was fine. On Thursday I tried to have a meeting but many of the members of the committee were missing without apologies. We were going to plant in the garden, but they voted to wait until this week.
I explained to them that the garden was once again dying because of people’s lack of commitment to the watering. I gave them til the end of April to pull it together or I was going to switch to individual gardens at people’s homes. There is no sense in me putting in the energy if it’s not being received.
Thursday afternoon I caught a ride to Nkurenkuru to hang out with Sarah until we went to Zone on Saturday morning for Independence. Thursday night we hung out with the 3 Finnish volunteers who were there on a ‘missionary’ study program. None of them want to be actual missionaries, but they came for the experience. They were fun, we had great food, watched their slide show and said our goodbyes.
Friday, Sarah and I hung out. I watched the ‘Che’ movie and ‘Milk’ - which made me cry. That night we played some cribbage and went to bed. The next morning we went to Zone with tate Ndadi and a nane from the clinic. The festivities were nice and my friend Dorothy was there with her daughter. It was great to catch up with her. The drama and the music was awesome. VIVA INDEPENDENCE!!
Saturday I came back to site because of the theater. I had planned on cancelling it because I figured everyone would be busy. Fanuel told me that we had to have it cause many people would be visiting Mpungu and would want to see a movie. Well…about 10 showed up, lol. Thanks Namibia!
Sunday was spent chilling out and doing a bunch of nothing. Today, we launched our feeding program for ARV clinic and it went great. We had about 6 people show up to eat and then we sold off the remaining food. I think it’s going to be a great success.
Tuesday, March 24 - Thursday, March 26:
The last few days have been busy, productive, and exhausting. I LOVE it! The highlight occurred yesterday. I was working with my OVCs and I had given them some math problems to work out. Hogan, the little boy of the new nurse who lives in the flat next door to the room I use for my group, was playing around outside. He and I are becoming good friends. I went to pick him up and was carrying him around, when I felt something wet on my arm. I just thought he had a wet bottom...but, no. I looked behind him and he had literally FILLED his diaper with shit and by picking him up and sitting him on my arm I had forced it up and out and all over myself. Now…that in itself is pretty funny. BUT!...his poop looked EXACTLY like guacamole. NO LIE! It was the exact color green with some red dots that could have been bell pepper. It seriously looked so much like guacamole that I had to smell it to make sure it wasn’t. How on earth he could have possibly had guacamole on his backside is beyond me…but it was SO realistic looking. Lol. I’m still laughing about it.
Tonight I made dinner for the VSOs and we had great conversation. They are good people. I know that I had my issues with them and the other PCVs here in Mpungu when I first arrived but I think most of that was my own stuff. The culture shock, loneliness, homesickness, etc. just amplified everything and made me so super sensitive. Dinah made an interesting comment about how it feels when you first arrive. She used the word ‘fragile’ and that’s the perfect word for it. I felt so fragile for the first 6 months and I just wanted, needed, someone to take care of me. Whew, I’m glad I’ve moved past that.
Friday, March 27 - Sunday, March 29:
Friday I spent some well needed time in the pharmacy. I haven’t stepped foot inside it since last year. Fortunately it wasn’t in that bad of shape but I keep telling Lyambezi he needs to stay on the nurses about keeping the forms orderly and neat. That night Lyambezi brought over ‘We Were Soldiers’ to watch. I’ve been enjoying hanging out with him lately cause we have sort of crossed that line of being ‘uncomfortable’ around each other. We can now joke and he actually gets some of my American sarcasm.
Saturday was a LONG day. We had our Awareness Event in the morning. It went really well but I lost my patience with some of the kids. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. I had added MANY more prizes to the condom box game and so that became the center of attention for everyone. I introduced a new game with colored ping pong balls - everyone seemed to enjoy it. I chilled out the rest of the day and then headed to the church for movie night. I really do enjoy movie night but find myself getting stressed a bit about it. People from the project are supposed to be coming to the movie so that they can learn to run the equipment and man the door. What ends up happening is only Selma comes, she mans the door until the movie starts and then wants to watch the show. I don’t blame her, it just means I am constantly answering the door when someone knocks to be let in or out. I really think we need to switch the time to earlier in the day. That way more people would come (so they could get home before dark) and it would be easier to man the door, with light. When Shimon comes to visit after Easter, we need to look into making curtains for the church.
Sunday was a TOTAL chill day with a two hour walk, some yoga, a movie, some reading and Damien, Thomas, and Willem stopped by for help on their EWA and Diversity Tour applications.
I’ve reached a point in my service where I have accepted what I am able and not able to do. My one concern still seems to be sustainability. Of the projects that I am involved in…which ones, if any, will continue after I leave? The garden seems to be on a downward slide and I have a feeling that by the end of April, it will be gone and it will be one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t feel bad or blame myself for it failing…there was just not enough energy and interest in having it in the first place. I’m starting to feel that way about the theater. Nobody (except Selma) from the group, is attending Saturday nights. So once I leave, will it even happen? All of this takes me back to when I first got here. As a PCV I am supposed to evaluate the needs of the community and see what is wanted. I feel I did that - to the best of my ability - for the first several months, with no one coming to me with ideas. Even at this point, people (from the group or outside of) don’t ever say ‘hey, let’s do this or that’. Everyone still seems to wait around until Chaz comes up with something to do. I know this isn’t at the heart of capacity building and sustainability. But what am I to do? Just do nothing and continue to wait until someone has an idea. I feel by coming up with suggestions that I am leading by example. I feel like I have tried to inspire people, but to no avail. All that said, 2 people within my community have come to me in the last week and either said that I should extend or that I will be sorely missed when I go.
The only way to interpret that is that I am doing a good job. Whew. This really IS about letting go of any pre-conceived ideas about accomplishment and success. Where I see failure, the people here have seen growth. Hmmm.
Monday, March 30 - Thursday, April 2:
A busy and productive week. The highlight was playing a spelling game with my older OVCs. Damien - my favorite, was racking up the points and I could see the soccer ball he has been saving them for - gleaming in his eye.
I had some interesting conversations with a few people from the village. They both, in their own way, talked about the ‘laziness’ of most of the people in the community and how no one has the motivation to change their lives. One was a younger guy, about 25. The other, an older tate of 62. It was interesting hearing them talk though because I’ve had my own opinions about these subjects but because of culture, never felt like I had a right to say anything. It was a bonding moment for me and them as well as a little validation that what I’ve been feeling has been correct.
I did have yet another issue with Fanuel, the counselor. Veronica, his wife, is the one that is running the sewing business. I’ve been explaining to her - since last November - about her loan payment and that SHE is running the business, not me. That it is a business and not a ‘project’. Well, she is constantly late with her payment and I guess this week I had had it. I, once again, met with her and Fanuel to explain for the umpteenth time, about the repayment schedule. Ironically, my friend Ruben was here cause we were both waiting for a ride to Nkurenkuru. As I was going through everything again and Fanuel was translating…Ruben butted in (thank God). And said a bunch of stuff in Rukwangali that made Veronica finally ‘get it’. After they left, I walk talking to Ruben about my frustration with having to explain things over and over when I feel like I’m simplifying them as best as I can. He said, you were saying things perfectly, Fanuel was mis-translating what you were saying to Veronica. He kept telling her that they money she owes back is YOUR money and that it was YOUR money that funded the business. He hadn’t been telling her that I was just a mediator. I’ve lost SO much faith in Fanuel over the past year and it just sickens me to think that he has possibly been mis-translating me this whole time for his own good. Either to make himself look good or to benefit him and his family. SHIT!
On a better note…after they left, Ruben and I got into a conversation and he brought up all these great ideas for the community and I shared some of mine and we have decided to work together to do a BUNCH of stuff. The money Eileen gave me is going to be stretched into MANY awesome projects now. Between Ruben and the other Fanuel’s motivation for community work, I am truly pumped to accomplish a TON in the next 8 months!
Friday, April 3 - Sunday, April 5:
Friday day sort of dragged on. I spent a little time in the pharmacy, organizing a bit. Then I basically took the rest of the day off since my evening was filled with taking the movie theater to the school. On time as usual, Alex showed up at my house to take Claudia, Ester, Fanuel and I to the school. When we arrived, the students cleared out and some of the older male learners helped us move the tables against the windows and set up the chairs. At first, no learners were lining up to pay to get in and I was a bit concerned. I finally decided to send someone out to let them know that the movie would start at exactly 7:30. During that time, I did some questions for sweets about HIV/AIDS with the few that had meandered in.
At the time we started the movie, there was only about 20 kids in the hall. I had a brief (very brief) moment where I thought, ‘what a waste of time’. But as the movie progressed, the learners arrived. At the end of the night, we had made N$150.00! I was stoked! I asked the kids after if they enjoyed it and would like us to come more often. They said yes. If we go twice a month and add N$300 to our feeding program, we’ll have no problem feeding everyone on Monday’s list! And, we should be able to afford to buy apples and other things besides just serving mutete and yisima.
Saturday I slept in, did some yoga and read before the theater. Tonight’s movie was King Kong and I at first was worried that they might not like it. Boy…was I wrong! They LOVED it! They completely got that Naomi Watt’s character was making the beast laugh. They cheered loudly when he beat the dinosaurs and saved the girl. And when he fell off the Empire State building? There was a quiet ‘oh’ that spread through the crowd. Man, I love this project!!!!!
Sunday was a seriously chilled day with a long walk in the morning, much reading in the afternoon and ended with watching a movie with Fanuel and Jaffet.
Monday, April 6 - Monday, April 13:
Monday through Thursday of this past week was busy just finishing up stuff with OVCs and project meetings. On Tuesday, I did go to a meeting in Dakuwa - a village about 10k into the bush from Mpungu. They are wanting to build a kindergarten there. I thought initially that they wanted an actual building. This concerned me because of the time frame in which I have to accomplish this. However, they are planning on building a large hut with a fence and they just want help with books, chalkboard, chairs, etc. to make it nice. This, is very doable. I am going to use the PCPP to ‘get er done’.
I was really anxious about leaving site on Thursday, so the first part of the week is sort of a blur. Thursday I rode into Rundu with the VSOs. I went to the TRC to download stuff and check email. I then caught up with everyone else. Most of the 27ers crashed at Rachel’s while the 28ers and 3rd years stayed with Ben. Over the weekend we cooked together, played games, had a braai at the Bavaria and enjoyed one another’s company. My friend Shimon came up from Windhoek and is actually coming back to Mpungu with me for a week. He wants to see what my life is like in the village and needs a vacation. He will help me with some small projects.
On Saturday, he and I ran errands most of the day. I had a lot of things I needed to buy the OVCs for their point awards. I also needed to buy things for the garden, for the theater. It was an exhausting day but oddly fun. It reminded me of running errands in the states a little. I got to buy clothes, shoes, backpacks, things like that for the OVCs…so it felt a little like Christmas.
Yesterday, we got a hike early and headed back. It was long and hot cause we were in the back of a bakki. We arrived, unpacked a shitload of food and stuff I had purchased for the OVCs and settled in. It’s good to be home.
Tuesday, April 14 - Monday, April 20:
Routine…routine…routine. That’s what my life has boiled down to. That’s fine…I am happy with it…trust me. This past week went off with not much out of the ordinary. I did have a moment while watering the guava trees behind my house where a very large snake slithered past me. I froze. I just stood there saying ‘f’k’ under my breathe until it got far enough away to where I could move.
Shimon hung out this whole week (he left on Saturday morning). It was really nice to have the company and of course, with him being a vegan chef…I ate better in these 6 days then I have since I arrived. Fresh mushrooms, peppers, coconut…all sorts of things I can never buy because they are too expensive.
Saturday we had our monthly HIV Awareness event and it was great. We had it in the community at Ester’s place…instead of at the clinic. MANY more people came to it and it was very successful. I came back to rest a bit before the movie. OH…I forgot to mention that on Wednesday’s free movie night, I showed a couple music videos that I had downloaded. In hindsight I probably should have been a bit more careful in the ones I chose, but they seemed to enjoy them. I showed Brittany’s Spear’s ‘Womanizer’ - I had forgotten how risqué it was. I don’t think they’ve seen anything like it, lol - I’m still waiting for the repercussions of it from the community.
I showed ’30 Days of Night’ on Saturday and they were really scared. I was great fun watching them scream and then laugh at themselves. I had to turn away a guy who was drunk…fortunately he didn’t put up much of a fuss.
Sunday I hung out with Damien, Thomas, William and Salom. I introduced them to ‘Uno’ and they loved it. Today we had the feeding program. The cooking part went well, but there are still a lot of people who won’t come and get the food because they are worried about being seen by the community. We ended up having a lot left over - and I hate throwing food out. We didn’t have anyone come and buy food today either. My other dilemma is that there are employees of the clinic that hang around waiting for us to finish because they know there will be food left over and we will probably give it to them. This angers me. First, they have jobs…they can afford the N$3 that we are charging to support the program. Second, these are people that don’t really do their jobs. They just complain all the time. For example, when we said we had yisima left over, the one female security guard said she was starving and wanted some. When she realized it was JUST yisima and she wasn’t getting anything else with it, she turned up her nose and said she didn’t want it. If you are ‘starving’ you would eat any food anyone handed to you. I get this attitude a lot and it just angers me. I try to be patient and understanding, but I can’t handle the un-appreciativeness.
On Saturday, we had purchased meat for the afternoon meal. We didn’t get it in time, so decided to freeze it and cook it Monday with the feeding program. When we went to use it today, it was spoiled. I hadn’t looked at the bag on Saturday…I just stuck it in the freezer. Well, this started an entire day of stress. Trying to track down who we bought the meat from in order to get a refund. Then, them coming and saying they would pay us back and turning around a few hours later and saying they would not. Then, of course, I needed Fanuel to come into the picture as a translator and he completely mis-represented me to the people involved, which escalated the drama. I have really lost all trust and faith in him and would rather not have to do anything ‘through’ him any more. I feel as though he has been shooting me in the foot this past year. The other Fanuel has volunteered to take on that role for me, so hopefully there won’t be any more issues like this. I have so little time left and want to be ‘drama’ free.
I leave on Wednesday for Rundu, then Windhoek, then a few weeks of holiday before hiking fish river. I won’t have my computer, so I will try to write down what’s going on while I am gone.
Tuesday, April 21 - Monday, April 27:
I hiked to Rundu on Wednesday then got up early to head to Windhoek the next day. I headed to the hike point with a positive attitude and got a hike within the hour. He was only going to drop me in Kombat, but he drove me all the way to Otavi cause he said I’d have a better chance finding a hike there. I literally got out of his car, used the bathroom and walked to the road when a car pulled over and it was Jeff, the former director of PC Namibia. In total, I made it to Windhoek in under 7 hours.
I met up with Shimon and we went to see ‘Underworld’. I should have passed on the movie cause I didn’t realize how tired I was, but it was still enjoyable. The next day we went into town to run some errands and drop my bags at Jan Jonker. The day was productive. After lunch I left Shimon to meet up with the other PCVs. VSN and Diversity tour was in town. We went to Primi for dinner. The next day we began VSN training for the 2 new members. The day went well and then Shimon came over and we cooked dinner while everyone else went out.
Sunday was more training and then I spent a chilled night at the flat watching TV.
Today was more errand s- ordering T-shirts, heading to the movies only to discover the movie I wanted to see wasn’t playing. I came back to the Tabitha Center , had dinner and now it’s time to crash.
Tuesday, April 28:
Got up, packed and organized and walked to the highway to hike to Swakopmund. I wasn’t out there for more than 5 minutes before I got a lift to Okahandja. I got stuck there for a few hours (I blame it on not having my sign, lol). Finally, I got a lift all the way. Good conversation and air conditioning. What more can you ask for?
I arrived at the TRC just as Leslie was finishing up. We walked back to her place, chatted and caught up and I ran to the grocery store to stock up for the week and then we had dinner. During and after dinner we talked more. I love Leslie and really enjoy our conversations. We had this great talk about life, self-acceptance, PC, our personal journeys, etc. I’m looking forward to just hanging out here this week. I had wanted to explore the northwest but I’d really rather just veg. I’ll save my energy for Fish River!
Wednesday, April 29 - Saturday, May 2:
I’ve thoroughly enjoy just chilling out here in Swakopmund. On Thursday, I met a guy named Hilton at a clothing store. We clicked so decided to have dinner later that day. It was great conversation and mediocre Chinese food.
On Friday, I hiked to Walvis to explore and meet up with Gideon - remember, he’s my guy from Mpungu that moved here last year. His wife had a new baby since he left. It was great catching up with him. I was also able to visit with Karel for a bit - who is also living there.
I then met up with Hilton who drove me all over Walvis. We then went for pizza where I enjoyed a conversation about lesbians and vibrators with a group of colored people. Now, I can hear all my American friends ‘gasp’ after reading that. But here in Namibia, there are 3 distinct types of people - blacks, whites, and coloreds - or mixed race. In Walvis Bay, everyone lives separately and you can easily spot the 3 ‘level’s of acceptance throughout the Bay. The black people live in very run down, small shacks. The coloreds in sort of modest, middle class type homes…and the whites…in million dollar homes.
I know I’ve talked about this before but it struck me again. I’ve wondered how people can live in very nice, expensive homes with not a care in the world when 3-4 hours away (or sometimes, 3-4k away), there are people living in huts with no food. The contrast has always been very striking to me. Yet…don’t we do that in America? You can go to any city and find multi-million dollar homes just down the road from people living at ‘poverty’ level.
I think it’s just that we, as Americans, can’t imagine living in a stick house, with no water, that we think it’s such an extreme. I’m not saying it isn’t. But, the unbalance of economy here is NOT much different than anywhere in the world. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Where’s the ‘fairness’? Should I live in guilt because circumstances have allowed me to live a very comfortable life? These are all questions I am still needing answers to.
Sunday, May 3 - Monday, May 4:
Sunday was spent chillin out by the beach - it was a beautiful day - and then packing to leave early on Monday. I’m reaching that point in my vacation where I am missing my village. Yet I know, one week back and I’ll e saying I’m bored, lol. Guess I am only human.
Monday, I headed to the road around 6:30 am, in hopes of an early hike. It didn’t happen. After a couple of hours, Emily and Kate decided to walk further ahead in hopes that by themselves they might get a ride quicker. They had been gone maybe 20 minutes when Miles pulled over for me. Cool, young photographer from Cape Town. When I told him about my friends waiting for a hike, he was more than happy to stop and get them as well.
The hike was great and as we were passing through Karibib, we picked up the local radio station and I dialed in to answer a contest question and I actually WON! Unfortunately, they didn’t call to notify me until we were about an hour away. Just after getting the phone call, I had a brief thought about my friend John Martin, back in the states. There was no reason for him to opop into my head - but there he was. I got on facebook to send him a quick note. Once there, I was informed by a friend’s posting that John had passed away….over 2 months before.
It was the strangest sensation of shock that came over me. Why hadn’t any of our mutual friends thought to inform me? It reinforced the ‘disconnect’ that I already feel so strongly…from my life in America. At the same time, I am feeling distant from the familiar, I find myself adapting and connecting to my new life here. Don’t get me wrong, when I finish in December I will be ready to leave my village existence. It’s just that I think it will be much more difficult to leave than it ever was for me to be there in the beginning.
Tuesday, May 5 - Tuesday, May 12:
Tuesday through Thursday I hung out in Windhoek with Shimon - running errands that I didn’t finish before Swakopmund. On Friday, Em drove me to the hike point to head south. I waited about 2 ½ hours before snagging a lift all the way to Keets. We stopped in Mariental for Lunch. I then heard from Carly and Lily that they had gotten a ride only that far, so my ride decided to wait for them. It was funny though because he and I had had some good conversation about life and spirituality and stuff and once Lily (who is Chinese) got in the car, all of a sudden, all these non-pc jokes came out of him. We just kept looking at each other and laughing.
We made it to Jen and Rashin’s around 5:30 pm. They had dinner ready for us. The next day we went into town for last minute shopping. While there, I met up with David H. for a bit. Later that afternoon the others started slowly arriving. We watched Quantum of Solace and fell asleep. Transport picked us up at 7:30 am for the 2 ½ hour ride to the entrance to the canyon. He stopped at an overlook area for us to get our first view. Breathtaking! And scary as hell? I’m going to be hiking through THAT?!?!? It’s not the Grand Canyon by any means but being the 2nd largest canyon in the world, it holds it’s own.
It took us about 2 hours to descend 1k. It was rouch. At the bottom, we swam with some other hikers - some happened to be muslim and at the appropriate time - they rolled out their rugs and prayed. I vowed to myself that if we ended up camping near them sometime during the trip, I wanted to talk to them about Islam.
After lunch, we headed out. We had heard that the first few days were pretty tough - uneven ground, large boulders…deep sand. We began with smiles on our faces and ended the first day with leg cramps, painful shoulders and sore feed. But we were happy. The landscape is beautiful and the night sky with ZERO city light is truly phenomenal.
Day 2 found us heading out around 8:30 in various groups. Lily, Milan, Greg and myself happen to b pretty quick hikers. Amanda and Parker take up the middle and the rest are the caboose. Besides lizards, not much in the way of animals have been seen. I have seen leopard prints and horse poop though, so I am hopeful. Betsey injured her knee today and began vomiting from the pain. We were concerned she may have to take the emergency exit. She said no, but we stopped to camp earlier that day. We also caught up with the muslims, who gave us a better map. I never got the chance to talk to them about Islam though.
Day 3 - the pain in my shoulder blades is pretty bad but I only have on pseudo-blister, so I’m okay. I haven’t slept the last 2 nights…I can only hope tonight is better. We made good time, with the help of a shortcut. We saw several families of baboons, but still no horses. Parker said he saw some dassies, but I wasn’t so lucky. The beauty and serenity of this place continues to bring me peace. The nights are my favorite with the quiet and the night sky.
Tonight, one of our gas canisters ran out but I had run into a group of Cape Tonians hiking a little ways ahead. We crashed their fire and they were very welcoming. They helped us cook our dinner and even gave us 2 full canisters of butane to get us through the next few days. This, by far, is the greatest vacation in Namibia. I can only imagine that when I finish with PC and start travelling, that my experience will resemble this in some way.
Wednesday, May 13 - Saturday, May 16 (early morning):
The last few days in the canyon have been the most exhausting, painful, blissful and exhilarating days I’ve spent in Namibia. Being so isolated and far from any convenience - it’s flt like I could be anywhere in the world. I haven’t even been using my tent. Sleeping outside, under the stars. Making fires to cook dinner. It’s been fantastic.
Yesterday we arrived at Ai-Ais, where we enjoyed a hit, soapy shower, a pseudo-hot tub and a cold cider. After a week of hiking, one cider did me in. We played cards most of the afternoon and then had dinner at 7. There were other groups here that had opted to have a local children’s choir come and sing for them. 2 things struck me with this. First, I felt as though they were being exploited. Any time some white foreigners come along, these kids have to sing for them. At the same time, this is probably the only way for these kids to make money. It’s a double-edged sword, so to speak.
The other thing is, is that they sucked! I’ve heard much, MUCH better choirs since being here. It was obvious to all of us PCVs that these were all just the kids of the camp staff and they weren’t actually a choir. They had done no rehearsals or practiced in any way. They just sung 3-4 random songs and danced a little and threw in some yodels and clicks. So the ‘choir’ was actually ripping off the foreigners who through they were hearing authentic African music. I guess it’s a use-use situation.
One of the staff also brought her baby and some of the ‘white’ people were holding it and getting their pictures taken with it like it was some unique animal from the zoo. I found that repulsive.
Saturday, May 16 - Friday, May 22:
We were picked up and brought back to Keets where some of us immediately got on the road and started hiking north. We all eventually got picked up and dropped in Rehoboth to stay with Roshin and Beth. On Sunday, Dar and I headed north to Windhoek. Our hike dropped us off at the entrance to the B1 where she headed down the on-ramp and I walked towards Katatura. Not 5 minutes after leaving her, she was mugged. 2 guys confronted her and took her backpack. Son of a bitch!!! There are times where I go to this internal place of anger that I need to steer clear of. I want to go up to these thieves and say ‘what the F? I flew 9,000 miles to come and help YOUR people and this is how you treat me?’. I hate that I still go there after all this time…but I do. Dar is fine, just has to stay in Windhoek for a few days before heading back to site.
I spent an extra day in Windhoek to chill and headed to Rundu on Monday. It was tough cause I have a TON of crap to haul back. I made it to Otavi and then after a few hours, the rest of the way to Rundu. I stuck around there for a few days running some errands and waiting for Sarah to come through so I could hike back with her. I have some packages at her place. I hung out with Lori, Kim an the others.
Sarah arrived on Wednesday night, so yesterday we hiked back to site. I arrived yesterday around 4. It’s good to be home.
I’ve walked around enough to see that many of the fruit trees I planted are dying cause no one is watering them. The garden was not planted nor was the fence completed AND I don’t know whether the feeding program went on without me or not. I was happy that didn’t immediately go to the frustrated place. I have decided to not start any more new projects for the next 6 months. I will just focus on reinforcing the ones that are going in hopes that they will continue. Pray for me.
Sunday, May 23 - Thursday, May 28:
Routine…routine…routine. That’s what sums up my life these days. Routine. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. But it can lead to boredom. Boredom in the sense that ‘something new’ doesn’t happen on a daily basis any more. The other side of the coin is that I’m confident in what I’m doing now and it’s not a lot of ‘work’ to do it. The days are SPEEDING by and I fear if I blink, it will be Dec. 1 and I’ll be leaving my village for good.
The president of Namibia is coming to our village on the 26th of June. That’s not only something to look forward to, it’s also something I have to help prepare for. That will consume my downtime for the next few weeks. Then it’s July. Then it’s August and I’ll be travelling to Botswana. Then it’s September and I’ll travel to Windhoek for our COS conference. Then it’s like 2 ½ months left. It’s all so weird.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Valentines Schmalentines!
Tuesday, February 3 - Sunday, February 8:
It looks like I may resort to doing journal entries once a week instead of every day, lol. It’s not that things aren’t going on, it’s that I’m so busy now that by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is sit and type. It might also have to do with things starting to seem routine rather than ‘new’.
I have my 2 days of OVC stuff this week which went great. I have 2 new helpers since it was just going to be Joanna this year. The one helper is an older guy who studied to be a teacher but currently can’t find a job. He was OUTSTANDING with the youth. Patient, kind, persuasive…they really took to him. It actually gives me hope that this program might continue after I leave. I mentioned the idea to him and he seemed excited about it, so we’ll see.
Had our Thursday meeting and though only a few people showed up, it went really well. Ever since I mentioned last week to the people from Runda that we were going to start a garden there because all of them had kept up with their end of the maintenance of the garden here, they have taken the bull by the horns. They have had a community meeting, met with the headman, got a piece of land, brought me a list of what they would need to start. They are ready and it’s very exciting to see someone here take the initiative. It makes me want to help them that much more.
The Ministry of Home Affairs was also here for 2 days registering people for birth certificates and IDs. It’s a great thing that they have come to the community instead of people having to go to them. I asked if there was anything I could do to help either right now or after they leave. The guy was kind of an ass and kept telling me there is nothing I can do. Many people were coming to me for copies now that we have a machine, so I felt I was helping out somehow and next week I am going to help with lamination services for their documents.
Later on Friday, people started showing up with the actual forms they had to fill out to get their IDs saying they sent them down here to get copies made. I actually laughed out loud. I thought…this guy made it clear I couldn’t help and then they run out of stuff due to their own ability to think ahead and he expects me to make copies for them. Unfortunately, because it’s a personal printer/copier and the toner cartridges are so expensive, I HAVE to charge a minimum of R1.00 per copy. That means that the people had to pay R4 for their forms. It was so unfair that they had to do that but may hands were tied in this matter.
This weekend I went to visit Sarah. It was great because we hadn’t spent time together since early December of last year. We caught up, swapped vacation stories and hung out with some of the 28ers. I introduced Sarah to Project Runway and she was hooked…we ended up watching the entire 4th season this weekend.
Monday, February 9 - Sunday, February 15:
The week went by in a blur and nothing huge - whether good or bad - stuck out as noteworthy. I have a feeling this second year is going to be a lot like that. Now that I have a routine, some of the initial excitement and newness has begun to wear off.
One thing I suppose that came to my mind this week is the phrase ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’. I had decided to use some money donated by a friend to purchase lamination sheets and offer free lamination of birth certificates - since the Ministry of Home Affairs was here for 2 days helping people get them. Usually this costs 8 rand in Rundu, so most people don’t have them laminated and they end up being useless in a short amount of time.
I would have thought that the news of free lamination of birth certificates would travel like wild fire and on last Friday when I has planned to do it, that people would be lined up outside my flat. This was not the case. I only ended up doing about 30. I was hoping for like 300, lol.
I have to say that it’s been one disheartening thing about my Peace Corps service. I realize it’s just me and my American attitude (and I also understand where much of the lack of motivation stems from), but I came into this thinking that the people I was here to help would just want to work SO hard and do anything to change their lives. But see, that’s my ego. And, it’s my judgment of them thinking they HAVE anything to change. Peace Corps is all about sustainability and capacity building and not letting our own opinions and thoughts get in the way of helping the community. But doesn’t a lot of it ultimately spill over?
We come here to change people’s lives. Who says they need to change? We think that having water and electricity are basic amenities because we can’t imagine NOT having grown up with them. But are they essential to every day life? Who am I to tell these people that this is something they need to strive for? Most people here live (thought difficultly) in more harmony with the earth than we do in America? They are not hoarding tons of crap they don’t need, spending money wastefully, polluting the planet, etc. Maybe they are the example of how to live more peacefully than we are.
A certain amount of ego HAS has got to come into play for me to be here and try to motivate people to live differently because I think they should. I’ve resigned myself to not implementing too many new ideas this second year. I would rather people come to me with their own and allow me to assist them.
Monday, February 16 - Thursday, February 19:
This week many people have continued to show up for lamination. I figured that would be the case. I will borrow the machine again in March and have another free day. The new garden watering schedule seems to be working well. People are showing up when they are supposed to. The maize is doing ‘okay’, just not growing as tall as I would like. Onions and carrots - not so hot. But the tomato plants are THRIVING! I am hoping we also have luck with the squash and cabbage that we planted this week. Even if we could find 2 things to grow during the summer and a couple to grow during winter, I would be happy.
I had a great time with the OVCs this week though I am finding it difficult to teach English and math, lol. They are all in different places and I try to keep it interesting to both the young and older ones. We watched a movie about Alaska and they were fascinated with the brown/black bears and caribou.
On thing of note that happened this week, was I had to confront Jaffet about something. Jaffet is part of a duo (him and Sakeus) and they have become like my ‘buds’. They come over ALL the time and we play and occasionally I feed them. I’ve sort of taken them under my wing as my little brothers. Well, I’ve noticed a couple of times that Jaffet has stolen from me. Little things like sweets and last week, some bread. At first I was like, well, this is Africa, it’s survival. The bread thing pissed me off though cause the day he did it I was actually making him lunch.
Well, when I went into my OVC classroom on Tuesday and was counting people’s points on the poster, I noticed areas where stickers had been removed. Many people were missing one or two. As I glanced down the board, I came upon Jaffet’s name and his was FULL of stickers with curled up edges. He’s only been to class once so at the max, he would have 2. He had 15. Given the fact that he’s stolen from me in the past, I knew right away he had done it. I made plans to confront him the next time I saw him. The next time was today.
He stopped by as usually and I immediately stopped what I was doing and took him over to the room and asked him why he did it. He claimed - rather defiantly - that it wasn’t him, that it was this other kid from church. I said, are you sure? He said yes. So I told him to go find this kid and bring him to me cause I wanted to confront him. I told him to do it right now and not come back to my house until he had the boy with him. See, I knew he was lying.
He leaves and about 4 minutes later comes to my door to inform me that he and I are not friends. It was hard not to laugh. But I sat down outside with him and asked him why. He said it was because I was accusing him and not believing him. I then proceeded to talk about the other things he’s stolen from me and how COULD I believe him if my past experience with him has shown me otherwise. I said, all he had to do was bring me the kid and if he confessed, I would apologize and things would be fine. So he leaves once again.
About 10 minutes later he returns and at my door, says he is sorry. I go and sit down outside with him and ask him what he’s sorry about. He says, ‘that’. I wanted him to tell me what, lol. So he did and I asked him why he lied to me and accused someone else. I said, if we are to be friends I have to trust you and right now I don’t. He didn’t have an answer for my question and so I sent him home. I told him to think about it and when he had an answer for me, he could come back…just not today.
Honestly, I felt bad watching him walk away…the kid has NOTHING. But, at the same time, I can’t support these actions and he needs to learn something from it - so I have to be a hard ass. I’m sure we will make up and things will be fine…I’m glad I’m leaving tomorrow for Windhoek for about a week…that’s his grounding period, lol.
Friday, February 20 - Monday, February 24:
Friday, thanks to Dinah and John, I made it to Rundu safely. I went to the TRC, dropped off all the stuff I was leaving there, ran a few errands and then met up with Gretchen and her mother at Omashari Lodge for dinner. It was great seeing her, laughing, catching up and meeting her mom and friend Elaine. I then made my way back to Ben’s house where I hung out with everyone there for a few hours before crashing.
Saturday I got up early and headed to the hike point. I waited for about 2 ½ hours for a ride and snagged a short trip to Grootfontein. Now. Everything in my head was telling me NOT to take the hike because Groot is such a black hole…but I had waited so long to get out of Rundu that I succumbed.
Once in Groot, I was stuck there for about 3 hours. I should have known. I finally took a hike to Tsumeb in hopes that I could catch a ride with a car coming from Oshakati or Odangwa. I waited there for about ½ an hour before getting a great ride from a pharmacist who knew all about Peace Corps and talked my ear off. He was great. He took me as far as Otjiwarongo and then gave me R$100 to take a taxi to Okahandja. Again…I am still taken aback by the generosity of people here. I ran into super spar to grab a bite to eat, snagged a taxi quickly and arrived in Okahandja around 6:15.
My friend Crisenzo (an Italian guy living in Windhoek) picked me up there and we caught up on the ride to his place. It was nice to shower, have a nice dinner and relax in front of the TV after such a long day.
Sunday I ran an errand to the mall and then Chris dropped me off at the PC office. I met up with Brook, Dave, Loren, Melissa, Ryan and Milan. Then we were transported to the airport to wait on the newbies. Once there, I ran into Tina whose brother and and his partner were waiting on their plane so they could head back to the states. It was nice to meet them and to catch up with her.
After a few hours, the new PCVs plane arrived and we greeted them with smiles and cheers. It took me back to the day we got off the plane and had the dazed and frightened looks on our faces. Heading in to the unknown. It was great meeting them and an amazing ‘soul’ check for me. To realize how far I’ve come since being here. How far I’ve grown. The obstacles I’ve faced and worked through. It was a nice, little proud moment for myself. Many imaginary pats on the back took place.
The rest of Sunday was spent getting them settled into the training center and answering a ton of questions. I loved it. I really wish we had had some volunteers there when we arrived. There so much they want (and we wanted) to know that we either didn’t want to ask PC directly or were tired of the ‘it depends’ answers they WERE giving us. It’s a good feeling to be there for these guys in this way and most have made comments about how helpful it’s been that we are here.
Monday they began their training sessions…which I sat in on. It took me back to the beginning and the days where I felt like going a bit loopy. More questions were asked and answered and I continue to enjoy the process of being the ‘experienced’ one. Like I mentioned above about the airport. It’s a nice reality check about where I’ve been to how far I’ve come. I took a small group into town for a quick tour, only to be called back to the center because they had medical interviews either I had forgotten about or they have forgotten to mention to me. Ooops. Bad VSN member…BAD!
Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:
Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.
Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.
Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.
After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.
In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.
It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.
The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.
I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.
Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.
We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.
At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.
At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.
Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.
The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?
In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.
I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.
It looks like I may resort to doing journal entries once a week instead of every day, lol. It’s not that things aren’t going on, it’s that I’m so busy now that by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is sit and type. It might also have to do with things starting to seem routine rather than ‘new’.
I have my 2 days of OVC stuff this week which went great. I have 2 new helpers since it was just going to be Joanna this year. The one helper is an older guy who studied to be a teacher but currently can’t find a job. He was OUTSTANDING with the youth. Patient, kind, persuasive…they really took to him. It actually gives me hope that this program might continue after I leave. I mentioned the idea to him and he seemed excited about it, so we’ll see.
Had our Thursday meeting and though only a few people showed up, it went really well. Ever since I mentioned last week to the people from Runda that we were going to start a garden there because all of them had kept up with their end of the maintenance of the garden here, they have taken the bull by the horns. They have had a community meeting, met with the headman, got a piece of land, brought me a list of what they would need to start. They are ready and it’s very exciting to see someone here take the initiative. It makes me want to help them that much more.
The Ministry of Home Affairs was also here for 2 days registering people for birth certificates and IDs. It’s a great thing that they have come to the community instead of people having to go to them. I asked if there was anything I could do to help either right now or after they leave. The guy was kind of an ass and kept telling me there is nothing I can do. Many people were coming to me for copies now that we have a machine, so I felt I was helping out somehow and next week I am going to help with lamination services for their documents.
Later on Friday, people started showing up with the actual forms they had to fill out to get their IDs saying they sent them down here to get copies made. I actually laughed out loud. I thought…this guy made it clear I couldn’t help and then they run out of stuff due to their own ability to think ahead and he expects me to make copies for them. Unfortunately, because it’s a personal printer/copier and the toner cartridges are so expensive, I HAVE to charge a minimum of R1.00 per copy. That means that the people had to pay R4 for their forms. It was so unfair that they had to do that but may hands were tied in this matter.
This weekend I went to visit Sarah. It was great because we hadn’t spent time together since early December of last year. We caught up, swapped vacation stories and hung out with some of the 28ers. I introduced Sarah to Project Runway and she was hooked…we ended up watching the entire 4th season this weekend.
Monday, February 9 - Sunday, February 15:
The week went by in a blur and nothing huge - whether good or bad - stuck out as noteworthy. I have a feeling this second year is going to be a lot like that. Now that I have a routine, some of the initial excitement and newness has begun to wear off.
One thing I suppose that came to my mind this week is the phrase ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’. I had decided to use some money donated by a friend to purchase lamination sheets and offer free lamination of birth certificates - since the Ministry of Home Affairs was here for 2 days helping people get them. Usually this costs 8 rand in Rundu, so most people don’t have them laminated and they end up being useless in a short amount of time.
I would have thought that the news of free lamination of birth certificates would travel like wild fire and on last Friday when I has planned to do it, that people would be lined up outside my flat. This was not the case. I only ended up doing about 30. I was hoping for like 300, lol.
I have to say that it’s been one disheartening thing about my Peace Corps service. I realize it’s just me and my American attitude (and I also understand where much of the lack of motivation stems from), but I came into this thinking that the people I was here to help would just want to work SO hard and do anything to change their lives. But see, that’s my ego. And, it’s my judgment of them thinking they HAVE anything to change. Peace Corps is all about sustainability and capacity building and not letting our own opinions and thoughts get in the way of helping the community. But doesn’t a lot of it ultimately spill over?
We come here to change people’s lives. Who says they need to change? We think that having water and electricity are basic amenities because we can’t imagine NOT having grown up with them. But are they essential to every day life? Who am I to tell these people that this is something they need to strive for? Most people here live (thought difficultly) in more harmony with the earth than we do in America? They are not hoarding tons of crap they don’t need, spending money wastefully, polluting the planet, etc. Maybe they are the example of how to live more peacefully than we are.
A certain amount of ego HAS has got to come into play for me to be here and try to motivate people to live differently because I think they should. I’ve resigned myself to not implementing too many new ideas this second year. I would rather people come to me with their own and allow me to assist them.
Monday, February 16 - Thursday, February 19:
This week many people have continued to show up for lamination. I figured that would be the case. I will borrow the machine again in March and have another free day. The new garden watering schedule seems to be working well. People are showing up when they are supposed to. The maize is doing ‘okay’, just not growing as tall as I would like. Onions and carrots - not so hot. But the tomato plants are THRIVING! I am hoping we also have luck with the squash and cabbage that we planted this week. Even if we could find 2 things to grow during the summer and a couple to grow during winter, I would be happy.
I had a great time with the OVCs this week though I am finding it difficult to teach English and math, lol. They are all in different places and I try to keep it interesting to both the young and older ones. We watched a movie about Alaska and they were fascinated with the brown/black bears and caribou.
On thing of note that happened this week, was I had to confront Jaffet about something. Jaffet is part of a duo (him and Sakeus) and they have become like my ‘buds’. They come over ALL the time and we play and occasionally I feed them. I’ve sort of taken them under my wing as my little brothers. Well, I’ve noticed a couple of times that Jaffet has stolen from me. Little things like sweets and last week, some bread. At first I was like, well, this is Africa, it’s survival. The bread thing pissed me off though cause the day he did it I was actually making him lunch.
Well, when I went into my OVC classroom on Tuesday and was counting people’s points on the poster, I noticed areas where stickers had been removed. Many people were missing one or two. As I glanced down the board, I came upon Jaffet’s name and his was FULL of stickers with curled up edges. He’s only been to class once so at the max, he would have 2. He had 15. Given the fact that he’s stolen from me in the past, I knew right away he had done it. I made plans to confront him the next time I saw him. The next time was today.
He stopped by as usually and I immediately stopped what I was doing and took him over to the room and asked him why he did it. He claimed - rather defiantly - that it wasn’t him, that it was this other kid from church. I said, are you sure? He said yes. So I told him to go find this kid and bring him to me cause I wanted to confront him. I told him to do it right now and not come back to my house until he had the boy with him. See, I knew he was lying.
He leaves and about 4 minutes later comes to my door to inform me that he and I are not friends. It was hard not to laugh. But I sat down outside with him and asked him why. He said it was because I was accusing him and not believing him. I then proceeded to talk about the other things he’s stolen from me and how COULD I believe him if my past experience with him has shown me otherwise. I said, all he had to do was bring me the kid and if he confessed, I would apologize and things would be fine. So he leaves once again.
About 10 minutes later he returns and at my door, says he is sorry. I go and sit down outside with him and ask him what he’s sorry about. He says, ‘that’. I wanted him to tell me what, lol. So he did and I asked him why he lied to me and accused someone else. I said, if we are to be friends I have to trust you and right now I don’t. He didn’t have an answer for my question and so I sent him home. I told him to think about it and when he had an answer for me, he could come back…just not today.
Honestly, I felt bad watching him walk away…the kid has NOTHING. But, at the same time, I can’t support these actions and he needs to learn something from it - so I have to be a hard ass. I’m sure we will make up and things will be fine…I’m glad I’m leaving tomorrow for Windhoek for about a week…that’s his grounding period, lol.
Friday, February 20 - Monday, February 24:
Friday, thanks to Dinah and John, I made it to Rundu safely. I went to the TRC, dropped off all the stuff I was leaving there, ran a few errands and then met up with Gretchen and her mother at Omashari Lodge for dinner. It was great seeing her, laughing, catching up and meeting her mom and friend Elaine. I then made my way back to Ben’s house where I hung out with everyone there for a few hours before crashing.
Saturday I got up early and headed to the hike point. I waited for about 2 ½ hours for a ride and snagged a short trip to Grootfontein. Now. Everything in my head was telling me NOT to take the hike because Groot is such a black hole…but I had waited so long to get out of Rundu that I succumbed.
Once in Groot, I was stuck there for about 3 hours. I should have known. I finally took a hike to Tsumeb in hopes that I could catch a ride with a car coming from Oshakati or Odangwa. I waited there for about ½ an hour before getting a great ride from a pharmacist who knew all about Peace Corps and talked my ear off. He was great. He took me as far as Otjiwarongo and then gave me R$100 to take a taxi to Okahandja. Again…I am still taken aback by the generosity of people here. I ran into super spar to grab a bite to eat, snagged a taxi quickly and arrived in Okahandja around 6:15.
My friend Crisenzo (an Italian guy living in Windhoek) picked me up there and we caught up on the ride to his place. It was nice to shower, have a nice dinner and relax in front of the TV after such a long day.
Sunday I ran an errand to the mall and then Chris dropped me off at the PC office. I met up with Brook, Dave, Loren, Melissa, Ryan and Milan. Then we were transported to the airport to wait on the newbies. Once there, I ran into Tina whose brother and and his partner were waiting on their plane so they could head back to the states. It was nice to meet them and to catch up with her.
After a few hours, the new PCVs plane arrived and we greeted them with smiles and cheers. It took me back to the day we got off the plane and had the dazed and frightened looks on our faces. Heading in to the unknown. It was great meeting them and an amazing ‘soul’ check for me. To realize how far I’ve come since being here. How far I’ve grown. The obstacles I’ve faced and worked through. It was a nice, little proud moment for myself. Many imaginary pats on the back took place.
The rest of Sunday was spent getting them settled into the training center and answering a ton of questions. I loved it. I really wish we had had some volunteers there when we arrived. There so much they want (and we wanted) to know that we either didn’t want to ask PC directly or were tired of the ‘it depends’ answers they WERE giving us. It’s a good feeling to be there for these guys in this way and most have made comments about how helpful it’s been that we are here.
Monday they began their training sessions…which I sat in on. It took me back to the beginning and the days where I felt like going a bit loopy. More questions were asked and answered and I continue to enjoy the process of being the ‘experienced’ one. Like I mentioned above about the airport. It’s a nice reality check about where I’ve been to how far I’ve come. I took a small group into town for a quick tour, only to be called back to the center because they had medical interviews either I had forgotten about or they have forgotten to mention to me. Ooops. Bad VSN member…BAD!
Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:
Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.
Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.
Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.
After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.
In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.
It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.
The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.
I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.
Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.
We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.
At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.
At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.
Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.
The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?
In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.
I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My South African Journey
Monday, December 1 - Friday, December 5:
Yesterday we piled and I do mean PILED into Sarah’s parent’s rented car and headed back to her site. It was fun to watch and listen to them and remember what it was like for us the first time we rode on that road. Their comments and oohs and ahhs. It was also really great to chat with them. They are awesome and Sarah is very lucky to have parents like that. So open and accepting. I realize everyone at some point thinks someone else has it better and that’s not what I mean. I just mean they are really cool people.
Once at her site we unpacked and I tried to contact my ride only to discover it wasn’t coming. I then thought I was going to have to try and hike with all this stuff which would NOT have been fun. I contacted my supervisor and discovered he was heading back from Rundu and would gladly pick me up. We then walked her parents around Nkurenkuru a bit though there was nothing much going on given it was a Sunday. It was still neat to watch their reactions to everything.
When Lyambezi showed up for my ride I discovered Eddie, the couchsurfer from New Orleans in the back. He and I had been making plans for him to come visit my site for a few weeks but I was never sure exactly when he was heading this way. Synchronicity man. We chatted on the drive back and I welcomed him to my place in Mpungu.
The past few days have been great having someone around and yet at the same time I’ve gotten so used to being on my own that I can feel that part of myself wanting my space again. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a GREAT guest and I’ve never felt like I have to entertain him. He’s a Christian, but very laid back and he’s on this journey of hiking around Africa for about 4-6 months. After he leaves my place next week he begins making his way to Cairo.
My OVCs on Tuesday was great fun! I made them peanut butter sandwiches and we watched Harry Potter and the Scorcerer’s Stone. I then presented them with some school supplies that I was able to purchase thanks to Kim, Becky and Kim’s sister. They had sent me money earlier the past week and now they are going to start collecting donations throughout the coming year from clients in order for me to always have money for the kids. I might even be able to feed them each week. They were really happy!
Yesterday I had a meeting about the garden and I had to be a bit stern with them. The garden is NOT being watered regularly and things are dying. I am honestly worried about what will happen while I am gone for a month, but I hope they will maintain it responsibly.
I have been trying to work out transport for the fruit trees from Rundu and finally nailed down a day when I could have the truck. I then tried to contact the Ministry but with no cell network I had to purchase a phone card and use a pay phone - which is a pain in the ass. The first day the woman told me that Faustinus was out in the bush - IN MPUNGU - and could not be reached. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about (ie. the trees). I then called back the next day and a different woman said she’d check and that I should call back in an hour. I called back and a man answered. He didn’t know what I was talking about and started telling me about the proper procedure of doing things and that I needed to submit things in writing. Blah blah blah… I cut him off and explained that I had done all that and spoken directly to Faustinus. He said that I should wait until Monday when he is back. Next week is my last week and if I wait til then to get the trees then I only have a few days to plant 200 trees on the clinic site. On top of that I am supposed to go to Windhoek for an impression of a crown for replacement AND my money for the theater project is supposed to come in and I want to go there to purchase the equipment. When it rains it pours. Days and days without nothing to do and then BAM! A week of non-stop activity.
Saturday, December 6 (early morning):
An interesting thing happened yesterday. I received a text from either Alex or Christine, probably Christine, though I had erased all the 26ers phone numbers from my cells because they were heading home. She said she had just read my blog for the first time and was sorry that I felt that way about them. It took me a minute to understand what she meant. She said she was going to forward my blog to Dinah and John - though I didn’t really understand why that was necessary.
See…my blog is basically my journal cut and pasted. My journal is my personal experience here in Africa - every part of my personal experience. It does exactly what a journal is supposed to do. You use a journal to emote into and hopefully gain insight into yourself in the process. Most people’s are private and not available for public viewing. I choose to put mine out there for my friends and the world to see because of 2 reasons. 1. Someone might have insight into what I’m feeling and can help me see something I cannot. 2. Someone might be going through the same thing or feeling the same way and it’s nice to know ‘you’re not the only one’ sometimes.
After the text sunk in, I went to this worried, stomach turning place and I thought to myself, what’s the lesson in this? If my experience here is all about personal growth, why am I feeling weird and uncomfortable? What is there to learn? At first I thought it might be a lesson in NOT sharing everything I’m feeling with the world. This came from thinking that now I have repercussions to face when the VSOs return. And then, without much more contemplation I realized that NO. The lesson here is about standing up for myself and truly not caring what people think - which is something I’ve struggled with my entire life.
If Dinah and John, more so Dinah, choose to take personally my ‘in the moment’ feelings about a given situation, I have no control over that. The words in my journal depict how I am feeling at that time and do not always express my general consensus about a given person or situation. This is who I am. I am an out loud processor. It’s what keeps me mentally healthy and stress free. It keeps me from hanging on to negative shit and letting it eat away at me. I cannot change who I am in this regard because I’m worried about what someone else thinks of me.
I do not apologize for anything that is written in my journal. I’m not writing a story or trying to tell some fictitious tale about my experience. It’s David, raw and exposed. I spent too many years as a child and adolescent keeping my feelings, thoughts and beliefs locked up inside me for fear of the judgment of others. THAT’S not who I am any more.
Sunday, December 7 - Thursday, December 11:
This is my last week here before heading to the Cape for vacation. Can I just say that I understand the phrase ‘chomping at the bit’ now? I am so eager to go and yet at the same time, I feel like In the past two weeks I have begun to fall in love with this place. Funny huh? I still need a break - TRUST ME! But things are finally starting to fall into place and funds are coming in and connections for funds are being made - so I no longer feel like my hands are tied.
I made a great ‘re-connection’ with my church, New Though Unity Center . The few that I am email back and forth with seem to be very eager to jump into some of my projects here. It will be awesome to have their support - emotionally and spiritually as WELL as financially.
Monday morning Eddie and I got up early and rode to Rundu with the car that needed to be repaired. I thought it worked out great to accomplish some things in town, get him a ride, as well as pick up some of my trees from the Ministry of Forestry. Well, NAMIBIA NAMIBIA, I was stuck there for the night so I crashed at Cobra’s place. Then, the car wasn’t ready until 4:30 the following day. We raced to the Ministry only to discover that people were clocking out and no one wanted to do the paperwork. THEN, some woman who I’d never came out Faustinus and said that we didn’t have the right paperwork or official stamps and couldn’t have this or that. I was furious. 4 months I’ve been working on this…I wasn’t ABOUT to leave without trees in the back of our car. I bitched and moaned and caused a rucous and rode back to Mpungu happily with 50 guava and papaya trees!
I’ve been planting a few trees each day to get them in the ground before I leave. I had my last meeting about the upcoming event and the garden with the group. We rearranged the schedule again in hopes that the garden would not die while I was gone. We also made final plans for the HIV awareness event on Saturday. I introduced a new game that got them really excited.
OH I didn’t even tell you the best news - I got a text that the money for my theater project was deposited into my account. So I am leaving a few days earlier in order to go to Windhoek and purchase the equipment. That way, it’s in the Peace Corps office and when the Rundu driver comes down for repair, he can bring it back for me. You have no idea how excited I am about getting this project going. Also, once we have rapid testing at our clinic, we will become mobile. I now just need to write a proposal for a generator so that we can go into the bush and show movies, do HIV education and HIV testing in villages 20-30k away. This next year is going to be GREAT! I have it all planned out what I am going to accomplish and the funds should be here to do everything.
Right now Sakeus and Jaffe have stopped by to watch a movie. I have my Christmas lights on, Christmas tree from Patti lit and playing holiday music. They are dancing like they were in a club. It’s cute and great and yes, I’m LOVING this.
Friday, December 12 - Saturday, December 13:
I don’t remember much about Friday, but the event on Saturday was successful and everyone had a great time. Now begins my journey south to Cape Town. On the way to the hike point I was picked up by a car going to Nkurenkuru via Zone. I took it for fear of not finding another. I have never been to Zone. It’s very green and lush there. It continues to amaze me that you can turn off of a main road, travel a couple of kilometers through nothing and then come upon a village. I am sitting under a tree while the driver visits with his family at the homestead. Isn’t it funny…? In the states we’d never pick up a hitchhiker let alone take him/her with us to our relatives’ house. Here it’s just part of life. I hope to make it to Rundu today and travel to Windhoek tomorrow. I am SO ready for this vacation!
Tonight, after it taking close to 6 hours to reach Rundu, was probably the bumpiest hike of my life. I hung out with Cedar and Kerri and went to bed early .
Sunday, December 14:
We got up early to hit the road. I went to the TRC first to make a sign and grab my tent - though I decided I didn’t really need it. I went to the hike point before them but after an hour, they arrived and I still hadn’t snagged a ride. About 30 minutes later we ALL got a ride in the back of an el camino type car. It was dreary and overcast and we thought for sure we’d get rained on. With it being so cloudy, none of us thought to put on sunscreen. Between that and how cold it was, who knew we’d arrive in Windhoek, 7 hours later - battered, sore, necks cramped and burnt to a crisp! You could cook eggs on our faces and legs. It’s really scary sometimes how intense the African sun is.
We dropped our bags at the place Kerri and Cedar were staying (where I am crashing on the floor) and I went to the PC lounge for the internet. SCORE! It was full of stuff the 26ers left behind. I now have stickers, a tape measure, bras, clothes, books, CD cases and many other things to use as prizes for our HIV awareness events. I also talked to Stephanie in the office about having ALL the clothes shipped north if no one claimed them.
I went to the store to buy stuff to make a salad for dinner and then they decided to go for pizza at the mall. I went along for the company and in taking a short cut, we found ourselves in a fair ground like area that was deserted. We ended up having to climb a barbed wire fence to get out.
Monday, December 15 - Wednesday, December 17:
The last few days have been rushing around trying to get everything for the theater project. Yesterday at 3:00 when I bought the last piece and felt like my vacation had officially started. I got all the equipment back into the storage at the PC office. I also met up with my friend Karel who used to live in Mpungu. Then last night Jehan and I went to dinner and had a blast. I’ve always really enjoyed her but this was the most 1 on 1 time we’ve had. We walked from there to the Chameleon where Claire was staying and hung out for a bit. This morning we got up early to start hiking around 8 am. After 3 hours, Carlos who is driving all the way to Cape Town, picked us up. A free ride ALL the way.
I’ve never been south of Windhoek and I can say this…I like the north MUCH better. We’ve been driving now for like 5 hours in nothing. Total desert. I mean literally nothing! Towns are spaced about 300k form one another. I feel like I am in ‘The Hills Have Eyes 3’.
Thursday, December 18:
This morning, Claire and I arrived at Long St. at 3:00 am. We had not even gotten our bags out of the car when we were offered to buy some weed. We said goodbye to Carlos - forgot my Nalgene in his car - and started looking for a hostel. Fortunately the first one we stopped at had a twin room so we took it, brushed our teeth and went right to bed.
I awoke at 7, not ever being able to sleep in and we packed, moved our things to the hostel Claire had reservations at, and went to breakfast. Croissants stuffed with scrambled eggs, portabella mushrooms, fresh basil and parmesean. After a year in the village - this was heaven. Speaking of food, I forgot to mention that the night before, Carlos stopped in Springbok and bought us dinner. He was very sweet.
After breakfast we walked around, bought some jewelry, a painting and a tapestry at the craft market, bought our South African phone cards from a Persian guy from Toronto and had another great meal for lunch. This place is amazing. So beautiful and so diverse. The only downside so far is that I am more aware -after being in the corps for a year - that all the service staff - everywhere you go - is black. Maybe it’s something I never noticed in the states, but here it’s so apparent.
Long St. is similar to gaslight Clifton in that it’s hip, laid back - you see dreads and tattoos and supermodels. Seriously, supermodels! We kept thinking we’d run into the other PCVs that are here but they continued to elude us.
I stopped by a tattoo place to schedule an appt. A year in the bush deserves a mark. When we walking around we saw a 7/11 and a McDonalds. I mean really, where are we?
I touched base with Geoffrey and made plans for taking the train in the morning to Somerset West where we will go to a sculpture exhibit and then head to the mountains for the weekend. On his suggestion, Claire and I took a taxi to the waterfront to see the sunset. We walked around all the shops - Guess, Jimmy Choo, Louis Vitton - again, where the hell are we? We decided to have dinner at a thai place and between the view of the clouds on Table mountain, the sushi appetizer, pad thai noodles, live music and people watching..I was over come with joy. I was on vacation! A real vacation. One that will rejuvenate my soul for my final year.
After Haagen Daaz for dessert - yes, Haagen Daaz! - we headed back to Long St. where we ran into Obie, Mila and Katie finishing up their dinner. We headed to Mesopotamia (a Turkish restaurant) to smoke shishah from a hookah. My first true hookah experience. It was nice with the mint tea I was drinking. Afterwards it was seriously time for bed.
Friday, December 19 - Saturday, December 20 (early):
After breakfast, Claire walked me to the train station to head to Plumstead. It was cheap and easy to navigate and I had a splendid conversation with Donald, a retired financial something or other. Once there, I met Jodi and Felix - dancer friends of Janines - and we headed to Somerset West. Geoffrey’s place is amazing. Surrounded by a wild garden - this 150 year old house is quaint and comfortable. While they were preparing lunch I went for a swim in the pool - I can’t believe I’ll be staying here for a few days.
After lunch we went to a museum in Stellenbosch to see a Rodin exhibit. Driving through these well manicured streets and gated communities filled with amazing foliage…I really began to wonder where I was. Then we’d pass a township, which is basically a location, and I’d see the shacks where people desperately try to carve out a life and I’d remember - I’m in Africa.
The exhibit was brilliant but I was overwhelmed. All this beauty. All this creativity. It made me think about all the stimulation - creative or otherwise - I’ve received in my life. Every painting, TV sow, song, amusement park, county fair, family reunion, school play, Halloween - all of those millions of things that shaped who I am today. Shaped all of us. What if all of it was gone? Taken away? Erased. Who would we be? What kind of - if any - motivation would we have to exist? To succeed? To thrive? Those in my village that I am trying to help, face exactly that. They have had so little stimulus to feed their souls that the perceived laziness and apparent alcoholism seem very minor to how I think I’d behave.
We returned to Geoffrey’s where we packed the cars and headed to the mountain. This place is spectacular. A small, one room cottage, with a loft at the base of these enormous cliffs with a view of the town down below and the ocean beyond it. Even the toilet is outside, away from the house, with no walls - overlooking the valley. What a way to take a shit. I’m telling you.
I slept so peacefully last night and this morning during breakfast, enjoyed watching a group of baboons playing on the hillside. Today we are hiking towards the cliffs and I’m gonna swim in the pool formed by the stream running alongside the cottage. This is the perfect start to my 3 weeks in South Africa.
Saturday, December 20:
I hiked and explored the stream bed with Felix and Geoffrey. I always get recharged being in nature but it was great watching them because they are SO into it. Throughout the day I had amazing conversations with Geoff about spirituality, racism, apartheid, Africans - life in general. Our views seem to be similar though I feel his may go much deeper than mine. I don’t mean that mine are superficial, just that he’s done more contemplation in his life and that part of mine is just beginning. I thought we’d make it up to the cliffs today but that will have to wait until tomorrow.
Sunday, December 21:
Today, I got up and read a bit, then after breakfast - Felix, Geoff and I headed up the mountain. I wasn’t sure how far we’d get but after an hour so found ourselves at the base of the cliffs. The view was mind boggling. Felix headed back to the cabin because he needed to get back to Cape Town early. Geoff and I continued to explore, having great conversations long the way.
We decided to head back alon the stream bed which was amazing. Scrambling down rocks, taking breaks to swim in the pools. The only thing I kept freaking out about was all the spiderwebs with the big juicy inhabitants. I had a run-in with a giant spider when I was a boy and I suppose it scarred me.
We made it back to the cabin around 2:30, rested, packed up, swam some more, then headed down the mountain. I decided to have them drop me at the Shell station cause I figured it would be easier for Piet to pick me up. I’ve decided to stay with him for a bit.
H picked me up and came to his beautiful house with lush gardens and a nice warm pool. Really. Once again, where am I? He’s Afrikaaner and yet our conversations are very different from the ones I’ve had with whites in Namibia. He’s very laid back and doesn’t appear to be racist in any way. I am just slightly concerned about his motivations for letting me stay. He’s made some innocent sexual references even though I tried to make it clear on the internet prior to my coming, that it wasn’t part of my intention in finding free places to stay.
Monday, December 22:
Did I mention how badly I am peeling? It’s been so long since I’ve not had a lengthy, daily exposure to the sun that I am shedding like an under-watered Christmas tree. And speaking of which, it’s difficult for me to fathom that it’s in a couple of days. Even though I hear the music and see the decorations, I don’t feel festive. So another holiday I miss and another next year. Damn.
Yesterday Piet dropped me off at the local mall while he had a few hours work. I sat around and people watched. I became very aware of how all the wait staff, cleaning staff, etc. was black while ALL the people perusing the mall were white or colored. There were no Black Africans - which is a strange way to say it - shopping in the mall.
Somerset West is this absolutely beautiful place of big houses and rolling lawns and lush gardens with secured, fenced in properties filled with white Africans. While the blacks life outside of town in shacks - literally, shacks made out of tin and cement. It made me wonder about the US. If I looked around there would I notice all those jobs filled by African Americans? Have I just always been oblivious to it? Or is it really a mixture of everyone and so here the difference stands out more?
It’s interesting talking to Piet about it because he’s very liberal and accepting. He told me that he felt South Africa had a ways to go but that there was a time in recent history that they whites realized their parents were wrong about apartheid and ‘woke-up’. People in American can admit slavery was wrong but have we done anything or feel responsible for doing anything about it? Piet talks a lot about how here, people actually stand up to their government. They protest. Newspapers write actual truths. The public is not duped - like we are in America, he says. He said that most people here don’t believe Americans are really ‘free’ because of the bubble we are either forced or choose to lie in. I think I agree with him. We are so controlled and anesthetized by our world. The news keeps us in constant fear of the world around us. Magazines and television tell us what to buy, what to wear, how to feel about ourselves, what medication to take if we feel ‘off’ in any way and then give us 800 channels of mindless entertainment to keep us ‘distracted’. Doesn’t it make you think about the motivation behind all of that? Who is benefiting? Drug companies, media moguls, he government. I understand message in V for Vendetta. I understand why people risk their lives to stand up to their government. What I wonder, is if there are other Americans that feel the same, why aren’t we doing something about it?
Piet then points out that we are beginning to with the recent election. He compares the similarities between the change in South Africa and what’s going on in the states. Could Obama lead to an unimaginable new era in American History? God, I hope so. So after all that depth, I walked around Cape Town, exploring shops, craft markets, the beach - I’m finding it difficult thinking about returning to my village. I’m finding myself not really thinking about my village al all. Is that bad?
Tuesday, December 23 - Wednesday, December 24:
So the other day (damn, I just realized how often I start my journal with ‘so…’), Piet had a little somethin’ somethin’ planned for the morning, so I used his scooter to return DVDs (yes, I rented DVDs) and go pick up a bag at Geoffrey’s. Then he dropped me off at the train station so I could get back to Cape Town. I got my head shaved for R15 and then met up with Joe for lunch. He introduced me to Kris - a former front girl for a punk band in England, Dylan - who has a house in Sri Lanka, and Gretchen - an American VSO. All of them working in northern Namibia near me!
We had a great lunch of jerk chicken nachos at a dive called Mojito’s and then Piet met us there. He and I had planned on going to the botanical gardens, so he invited everyone to join. The gardens are at the base of Table mountain and are truly spectacular. We spent the rest of the afternoon there and in the process, I really got to know Dylan better. Great guy! And I have a place to stay in Sri Lanka whenever I want. Piet then offered to drive us to Cape Point the next day. Piet and I returned to Somerset and went to see ‘The Women’.
The morning of Christmas eve I found myself shopping with Pete for a gift for his mum. While in the bookstore, I started crying - it came out of nowhere. Homesickness brought on by the festiveness of the season around me. We finished there then headed to pick everyone up. Again, great conversation with Piet. I have a completely different take on Afrikaaners now - at least those of South Africa.
The drive to the point (where the 2 oceans meet) was breathtaking. It included ssing the penguins at Boulder’s Point, lunch in Simon’s Town - calamari, yum - and ending with probably the most amazing scenic views I’ve ever witnessed. On the top of the mountain, by the lighthouse, seeing 2 oceans at once. How do you come down from a high like that? I am also falling in love with Gretchen and Kris - they are wonderfully spirited.
Back in CT, I checked into my hostel, met up with the rest of the 27ers to go shopping for Christmas dinner (Mexican for Christmas in South Africa…hows that???) and then to Masal Dosa for dinner. It’s a lesbian owned Indian/Persian restaurant. We had 3 courses that included a sevi pevu appetizer, dosa for an entrée and cardamom flavored ice cream with crushed cashews for dessert. Seriously, how do I return to my village after this? Seriously!!
I then met up with Joe and we walked to Da Waterkant, which is the ‘gay’ area. It was early and there wasn’t much going on, but the night slowly gained momentum. The lack of black men was sort of shocking. It was ALL whites Afrikaaners or tourists and colored guys. Colored here is used for the descendants of blacks who married the Dutch and German settlers. It’s not a derogatory word like it is in the states.
I did talk to one guy from the Congo at Bronx and then got into a very nice conversation with David, a Kenyan, at Manhattens. Yes, both named after New York, lol. I then tried to real in Joe for the walk back to the hostel. Everyone had said don’t walk around at night, but I felt completely safe. Joe and David headed in one direction and I another. There was a street vender selling falafels which looked great so it became my first Christmas present to myself - since it was 2 in the morning! It was delicious. Too tired to brush my teeth I headed to bed with my ear plugs and slept soundly.
Thursday, December 25 - Friday, December 26 (early):
Christmas day. In Africa. Quite unlike the same day in America. I have found myself missing many elements of the holidays that in the states I complained about. What I miss the most is the energy. I do feel like, for a very short period, no matter who you are or what you believe, that during Christmas there is a small window where the majority of the world is at peace. You can feel it in the air. Thought I did feel it very slightly here, it wasn’t the same. Africa is an amazing continent with so many problems and no easy answers. In talking with other volunteers from different organizations and just people from all over Africa, it’s clear there aren’t any. Most people, sitting in their homes in other parts of the world are completely clueless to what actually goes on here and what it will or would take to incite change. Black Africans want progress and many want the things we have but they cling so tightly o traditional ways and most lack any sense of ‘thinking about tomorrow’ because of the struggle to survive each day. The task of change seems impossible. But enough philosophy.
Yesterday I hung with Claire a bit in the morning, had McDonalds! For lunch then met up with the rest of Nam27 to plan dinner. At one point I took a nap and then found myself on the balcony of the hostel having a conversation with 4 guys from Sydney, Holland, Morocco and Egypt. This sort of thing never happens in Cincinnati. The Egypt guy actually lives and teaches drama in Tsumeb! I want to stay in touch with him because he could possibly do something with my OVCs.
Christmas dinner was amazing and our Mexican fiesta - which we celebrated with volunteers from Mozambique - was festive. Afterwards we were all very tired and went our separate ways. Claire, her brother, and I came up here to the balcony and hung out with Odie, Andraak, Farol and Henshrid. I found myself having to stand up for Peace Corps with Andraak. He seemed to have a negative opinion of it. I finally got tired of staring at him and went to bed.
Today I’m going to hike Table mountain with some friends when head to Somerset to crash at Piet’s again before heading to Hermanis for a shark dive - NOT me…Dylan.
Friday, December 26 - Saturday, December 27:
Friday I was going to hike the mountain with some friends but they were hungover so I decided to explore some on my own. I ended up walking 3 hours to Camps Bay and hanging at the beach for a bit before cabbing it back to Long St. I grabbed some lunch, had a chat with a rasta then met up with Kris, Gretchen and Dylan for a movie. We missed ‘Twilight’ so saw ‘Madagascar 2’ instead, then grabbed our things before Piet picked us up for Somerset. We did a braai and then crashed.
Saturday we took our time leaving and headed to Hermanis around 11. We took our time, stopping and exploring the beauty along the way. We arrived in the afternoon, checked into the hostel then grabbed dinner. There is some tension between the girls and Dylan and so I find myself being sort of a buffer. It’s fine. I enjoy all 3 of them. When we got back to the hostel we had a beer and then played some cards. We were joined in our room by an older French woman who is sort of cranky. She kept complaining about the smell - which was Dylan’s feet mind you - but I’s a hostel, not a 5 star!
We were awoken around 3 in the morning to Dylan coming in drunk. He tried to jump into his bed and brought it down on top of the French woman - funny. Today we got up early to get to the place for the diving. I was concerned about seasickness but forgot Dramamine, so it was too late. I chugged ginger beer instead. It didn’t hit me until we were out in the water - in the cage IN the water - that I would be inches from a great white shark. It wasn’t long before one arrived. HUGE! About 15 ft long. The adrenalin was amazing! It sort of attacked the corner of our cage and then swam by rightin front of us - inches from us! Dam! How do you put that into words?
Once out of the cage I saw a few more up close throughout the day. Overall - WELL worth the R795. We returned to Hermanis and have been chilling with cards and TV. And gelato! Tonight I’m going to have great seafood with the other PCVs and tomorrow it’s off to Wildernis. How do I go back to the village after this? (tends to be the theme of this holiday). Kris is playing the guitar and singing in the other room right now. It’s beautiful.
Sunday, December 28 - Monday, December 29:
Sunday evening I enjoyed dinner with the other volunteers at a nice - well, very nice - steak house (instead of seafood). I then headed to bed while they watched ‘We are Marshall’. With no time schedule in the morning, the four of us took our time packing and heading out of Hermanis to Wildernis.
The drive here was breathtaking. So green and full of hills. Every time we crested a hill you could see miles and miles of hay fields, grazing lands, ostrich and sheep farms, winelands and forests. This part of South Africa is NOT how most Americans would visualize this continent. There were plenty of moments, as we wound out way through the pine covered hills, that I felt I was in the smokey mountains of KY or parts of Virginia.
We finally arrived at Asanti, which is like a hippie Afrikaaner camp ground complete with dreaded guys smoking hash and everyone walking around barefoot. Lots of tow headed children running around between what appears to be several different mothers. It’s like I’ve entered a grunge-like Arian love commune complete with nirvana being blasted in the common room. I taught the gang spades and while we waited for veggie lasagna to be prepared in a clay oven, we drank ciders and laughed our assess off. Tomorrow we go canoeing, kloofing and abseiling.
Tuesday, December 30:
We got up this morning, had a great breakfast, Dylan headed off for a whole day’s adventure and myself and the girls played cards until it was time to go abseiling. Kris introduced us to ‘shithead’ which is not my favorite card game ever! Jannis drove us to the adventure site and we headed into the canyon. It was breathtaking. Hanging off the side of this rocky cliff, hundreds of feet above a tidal pool. Abseiling is similar to repelling. We actually scaled down the cliff wall into the water. After a few times, some of us decided to swim and get in some kloofing - which is basically cliff diving. Mine was more like cliff cannon balling but at least now I can say I’ve ‘kloofed’.
We had decided to make pizza for dinner so we met up with Dylan afterwards to hit the store. Some drama went down over money then no one wante to make pizza anymore. There has been a lot of, well drama is the best word, going on with the 3 of them since I came into the picture I think it’s understandable when different personalities spend a lot of time together - especially when you are travelling. It hasn’t affected my vacation in any way, so I’m not really concerned.
The remainder of the night we played cards in a hash smoke infested pool room where I do believe I had somewhat of a contact buzz. It’s fun being the one not doing drugs in a crow of those partaking. It’s funny.
Wednesday, December 31:
Dylan and I spent 4 hours driving back to Cape Town through some of the most beautiful countryside I’ve ever seen. We got to Piet’s early and since he had lunch plans, we went to the beach for lunch. Piet drove us into town around 3 and I began the mad search for a place to rest my head. I only had to go to 2 places before I found something. I wish I had looked further. I was in a dorm room on the first floor directly next to the bar that was setting up the loud speakers for a party. Sleep? What is sleep? Lol.
Once I checked in and showered, I met up with the rest of the 27ers to figure out dinner. After deciding on the waterfront, we headed out. I had gotten an sms from a friend about a big street party in Green Point that I was considering attending, but at R400, I changed my mind.
We put our names in at an Italian place and hung outside with bottles of champaign in bags. We’re so classy, us PCVs. I really love these guys but am so aware of age when I hang with them.
We were finally seated inside when I got an sms from Justin telling me the party was only R250. I figured it was worth that much to hangout with a beer and be a little gay. I left my friends and headed to that part of town. The whole way there I questioned what I was doing leaving friends to hang with strangers on the final new years of my 30s. I walked past the various bars, noticing the cover charges and ended up with a cider at Manhattens. It seems to be the only one where you will find black African men. I sat alone, watching the crowd, realizing I was yet again, alone and melancholy knocked on the door. I just thought about my life and where I am and so on and started smiling. A really, big, shit-eating grin! I love my life and am very happy. It became clear that the only thing really missing was someone to share it with. This of course led me to think about Mark. And this led to me wanting to kiss a cute black boy to remind me of him. It didn’t happen. I was sitting on the curb, with a beer, alone when my phone told me it was 2009. It’s okay though. It really is.
I hung out pathetically there until around 1:30 then headed back to Long St. where I met up with the others and newbies that had arrived this week. We caught up, hung out til around 3:30 then all went home. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my body shaking from the thump of the speakers, I wished everyone I knew a Happy New Year and drifted off.
Thursday, January 1 - Friday, January 2 (6 am):
New Years day was spent chilling and meandering. I went to breakfast at Rcafe for a ricotta stuffed omelet sandwich with chives on herb bread…delicious! I then hit an internet café for a bit before meeting up with the PCVs. The remainder of the day included lunch, Extreme Home Makeover and Chinese take-away.
I am sitting here this morning not being as introspective as I would have imagined. I know 40 is a milestone but right now it just feels like any other day. Age never has been an issue for me and I certainly don’t feel like I think I should. I guess the only thing I am contemplative about is why I’m alone at 40. I don’t think I’m lonely per se but I do want to share my life with someone and I wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Well, I know why - my insecurities, my inability to commit - but I think I mean more about that ‘connection’ to someone that comes with full acceptance. That ‘match’ that I’ve felt on different levels in the past but why hasn’t’ it ‘stuck’? Am I too controlling? Not compromising? Too caught up in my own stuff? Too picky? Too judgmental? Yes, it’s probably call those things. Actually, even as I write all this, I realize I’m not all that concerned about it afterall. I won’t be 100% ready for a relationship until I heal and love myself enough to where I don’t ‘need’ one to fill any type of void. I feel closer to that place every day.
Friday, January 2 (the big 40!):
I don’t think I could have asked fro a better birthday. I intended to start with breakfast at Lola’s but they were not open so I had some yoghurt and muesli instead. Then, Nick, Milan and I went to the Turkish baths. Between the steam, sauna, and pool, I felt my pores open, release their toxins, and walked out refreshed and almost high. Nick and I decided to hunt for massages, but after no luck, had a lunch of greasy calamari and fish. We then perused the cxraft market for a bit before I split with them to head to the waterfront with Milan and Katie. There we boarded the ferry to Robbin Island to visit the prison where Mendella was incarcerated for 18 years. I thought it would be more emotional but between the ‘speed’ of the tour and the fact that I had never read his book, it was anti -climactic. The tour itself left you no time to just wander and absorb the history.
Once back at the Cape, we headed to the sushi place to meet up with the others. I proceeded to have the most delicious, extravagant meal I’ve had since I left the states. The fish was exquisite and I didn’t even flinch when my bill came to R300.
We grabbed Haagen Daaz afterwards and then walked to Green Point. The girls had never been to a gay bar so were full of questions and comments. Milan got cruised a lot and Nick even got a phone number but the birthday boy left that evening empty handed and without even a celebratory kiss, lol. We walked back to Long St. where I headed to bed.
Saturday, January 3:
I lost my camera today. The camera itself is not all that important but it’s loss is. First, every photo I’ve taken on my Cape Town holiday is gone. Second, I now have no means to take photos at my site. I’m upset but I’m not upset. It’s a strange thing. I truly am sad for those two reasons but then not as sad as I would have expected myself to be. I’m still trying to figure this one out.
I lost the camera hiking Table mountain. It was an amazing hike and the views were spectacular. I went up with Justin and Tom, 2 white South Africans. They semed like really nice guys. But then when they were taking me back to the hostel, we got stuck in some traffic caused by a carnival that was taking place It was some type of colored celebration. As people tried to cross the streets in front of us, the racist comments and name called began. I sat in uncomfortable silence. I wanted to say something but then was reminded of something Milan had said to me a few days earlier. ‘We don’t know their personal history’. True, I don’t. It still felt weird but then it occurred to me. I’ve been stuck in downtown Cincy during the Jazz festival before and though I never yelled obscenities at people, negative thoughts did fill my head. They were as blatant as this, but they were still comments directed at a specific group of people due to my own impatience. Are we all a little racist on some level due to our upbringing and society in general? It made me think of Mark and I. When people would discover he was black, there would sometimes be comments - not negative, just acknowledgment of him being black. I used to always say that ‘I don’t see color, I just see Mark’. I read an article in a local rag where a few days ago discussing that very thing. A black person was upset when someone said that. She commented, ‘Why wouldn’t you see my color?’. We are, as Americans, sometime so sanitized to be politically correct. To not see race. But to choose not to see it means we are not acknowledging our differences and in the process, eliminating what makes each of us special. It’s as though we are trying to homogenize the entire human race into a new category - but isn’t NOT labeling and judging people for their differences the main goal? I really understand the phrase celebrate diversity now. In order to fully accept another person you have to acknowledge their uniqueness.
Even with myself, I’ve always said that I’m neither ashamed nor proud of my sexuality - it’s just a part of who I am. But…it IS a part of who I am and not wanting people to necessarily know it outright tells me I may still have some shame in it. I’ve always liked the ft hat s people can’t ‘tell’ from looking at me. I’ve even felt lucky because of it. But that’s shame and embarrassment, isn’t it? If I truly, deep down, was 100% okay with who I was, it really wouldn’t matter if they could tell or not. I love realizations like this but then sometimes, when you think you’ve worked so hard on yourself, you dig a layer deeper and find more shit. The road to fully loving oneself is very long. I just hope I have the patience for it.
Sunday, January 4 - Tuesday, January 6:
Sunday was a chilled out day. It had to be - my legs were on fire! For whatever reason I can’t remember the rest of the day. Mark has been on my brain lately. I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not but I sent him an email a few days back - spilling my heart. I basically told him that I was in love with him still and wanted to try a long distance relationship. What was I expecting his response to be? It took him a few days to get back to me and I was a little sad - though understanding - of his unwillingness. He asked me how I knew I loved him. He then created a list of his reasons why he loved me. I sat there starring at them. They were all about him actually. I wanted to write back an tell him I know I loved him cause I felt it, but I thought I’d come up with a list as well. My list was ALL about him. I found that interesting. It then made me wonder - do our lists mesh?
I’m having my doubts that they do. I fear that Mark is in his head when it comes to me. His reasons were all things he did - he respected me, he worked hard to improve our relationship, he tried to make me happy every day - none of those are really about me. These email exchanges have shed some interesting light on our relationship.
Monday I had breakfast at Rcafe then went to the movies to see ‘Australia’. I then was picked up by Lwazi, a black South African, who was letting me cras at his place. This was very educational. His father is the major of Durban and he’s met Oprah. He’s had a very different experience than most blacks here. His house (that he only uses 2 months out of the year) is spectacular. I talked his ear off about race relations, especially within the gay community. Fascinating.
I heard again from Mark with a more intimate list of reasons why he loved me. I have no doubt that he has and does. I just wonder if there’s a chance for us to start anew at some point in the future.
Today, Lwazi drove me back to the Cape, I checked into Abantu for the night, met up with Nick, Heather and Natalie and hung for the day. I went and got my nose pierced before going for my tattoo. I love my new ink though I do wish I would have gotten the ‘ohm’ symbol in red. We went to dinner at a fantastic Ethiopian restaurant then grabbed a drink at Marvel. Overall, a perfect last night in the Cape.
Wednesday, January 7:
We got up early, packed up, grabbed breakfast, hiked to the train station, missed our train, found a minibus and got dropped off along the highway to begin our journey home. We were trying for about 90 minutes with nothing. We then decided Nick and I should stay hidden and just let the girls hike. Within minutes we had our first ride going 80k out of town. On the way there I sent a thank you sms to Piet and low and behold, he was 5 minutes from us on his way to vacation.
He offered 2 of us a ride 300k and though I was set to take it, the others were nervous about hiking alone in SA. I thanked Piet and apologized and sent him on his way. Within minutes a sheep truck stopped and Heather, not liking to turn down rides if people stop, accepted a 35k ride with Nick and I IN the back WITH the sheep. He was shat on several times during that. One for the books I supposed. Our next hike took us 20 minutes to get and 30k further. I kept thinking that if this was how we were creeping back to Windhoek, it would take a week.
At the next place, we grabbed food at a petrol station, then back to the road. After a bit, 4 PCVs who had rented a car stopped by and had room for both of Nick’s marimbas. Moments after, we were picked up by 2 young Afrikaaners going all the way to Windhoek - BUT…over the course of several days. They would take us to about 200k south of Keets. Good enough.
Last night, after spending almost 2 hours getting through customs at the border, we camped along the river. I slept outside, without a tent to the sound of the nearby water. It was wonderful.
Thursday, January 8 - Friday, January 9:
We got up and packed the truck and headed out. We had planned on getting out at the petrol station and hiking from there. Jacob said he could drop us outside Keets but he was going to drive through the canyons a bit to show Carla and did we want to tag along. Sure!
The desert was amazing, hot and beautiful. AT one point we found ourselves at a lodge where we snuck in and swam for a bit. Jacob then showed us on the map where his grandfather’s game ranch was and said that we were welcome to stay the night and go to Sossusvlei the next day with them. It took me a split second to say yes while the others pondered.
We drove to the ranch which seemed to be located at the edge of the world. Once there, we jumped in a water tank/pool to cool off. The place was deserted. It was opulent - leather couches, satellite TV, beds with pillows, lol. I had been thinking on the drive out there that who in their right mind would want to live in the desert…even more isolated than I had felt in Mpungu? But that evening, with the sunset and the cool breeze - I understood what the draw was. We made sandwiches, had some wine and then I slept on the ground again. It was too nice not to.
We got up, packed and headed to Sossusvlei. On the way we stopped at a lodge for breakfast. And what did we do after breakfast you might ask? We went in a pen with 3 full grown cheetahs and petted them. OMG! When does shit like this happen? It goes down as one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They were purring so loudly, licking our hands and nibbling our fingers. Damn. (I’m sure they were thinking - tastes like chicken!), lol
We then drove to the dunes - the oldest desert on the planet to be exact. It’s called the world’s largest sandbox. Again…beautiful and amazing. We climbed one of the smaller dunes which was difficult enough. The sand was burning hot and the angle very steep. We went from there to a lodge for a drunk and though we wanted to sneak into their pool - we did not. We began our journey back towards Moltehore. The 3 of them decided, at 7 pm, to go to the petrol station and try to hike to Mariental. I had had enough for one day, so here I was, alone at the backpackers. The only guest, sitting at a table, watching the sun set, listening to my Ipod and journaling. I’m actually tearing up because I am so happy…so at peace. This ends one of the most amazing vacations I’ve ever taken. I’m ready to go home to my village and complete my final year with the Peace Corps. PC is the greatest thing I’ve ever chosen to do with my life on so many levels. I hope I can take this calmness and contentedness back to the states with me.
Saturday, January 10:
Got up early, showered, paid my bill and headed into ‘town’. As I looked around, I began to fear that my chances of getting out were going to be slim. The previous night I had had an interesting conversation with David - the French guy who owns the place - and his mother. It’s funny to me how I’ve been afraid most of my life to engage people on a daily basis. I’ve realized that when you don’t, you miss out on SO much.
Within an hour I got a lift to Mariental. I thought I was going to have to pay ut it was free. Could I really make it to and from Cape Town with NO money? Hells yeah I could! I grabbed some breakfast at Wimpy’s. My new year’s resolution to eat healthier is very difficult to keep when hitchhiking through Africa, lol. I snagged a ride to Windhoek in about 20 minutes and arrived few hours later.
I got dropped off in front of Chameleon just as Thea was walking out and though they were full, she had an extra bed and invited me to sleep in her room. We ran by the PC office, then grabbed lunch at the craft market with some other PCVs. Then it was back to Chameleon for a swim and some chillin’. Later, some of us went for pizza while others went to Joe’s beer house. Afterwards, Catherine and I came back for a movie and everyone else went to a wine bar. I was happy to be in bed before 10.
Sunday, January 11 - Tuesday, January 13:
Sunday was spent meeting up with the other PCVs at the office and waiting around for transport to Graeter’s. Once there, we swam, caught up, had dinner, and began the huge movie swap. Over the next two days we sat through many sessions that bored us and drove us a little crazy. Again, the most important thing was collecting new movies, lol. It’s been great seeing everyone and sharing our successes and non-success (I’m learning no to call them failures). I feel like I am in such a different place than I was a year ago. No anxiousness. Very little fear. I am more pumped to return to site and knock-em dead with my energy. This next year is going to ROCK!
Wednesday, January 14 - Thursday, January 15:
The last couple of days in Windhoek have been okay. I did some work for VSN, hung out with the others that have to stay behind an used the internet. I have to stay an extra week to have a crown replaced. I remember when I first arrived in Namibia that I thought I would travel to the big city more often because I would need to - emotionally, that is. But I am really ready to get back to the village. I miss it. Besides, when you are out of money and there are no good movies playing at the theater, what else can you do here? Lol
Friday, January 16:
More Windhoek today. It dawned on me that I could have hiked to Swakopmund for 5 more days of the beach before my appt. on Monday. That was really silly of me.
Saturday, January 17 -Tuesday, January 21:
So…more days in Windhoek - biding my time between the internet, TV and the mall. Sounds like I’m back in the states, eh? Had my dentist appt. and I am ready to go.
I took a ride up one of the big hills overlooking Windhoek with a friend the other night. It was quiet and the lights were beautiful. It made me miss home - my new home, Mpungu.
I’ve been seeing a lot of the inauguration stuff on TV and that’s been amazing. I hope I make it to Rundu on Tuesday in time to see his speech. I do find it interesting that so many Africans are thinking that Obama is going to come to their rescue. He has enough on his plate with our country to handle first. We need to strengthen the US before we can reach out to other nations again. This wonderful man has so much on his shoulders. He will be in my thoughts daily.
Got to the hike point early and got a ride to Otavi within 15 minutes. A sweet elderly guy. Once there, I waited about an hour for a ride to Groot - the black hole. There, I waited about 90 minutes and got a ride in a semi. They are always comfortable and reliable but take longer because they cannot go faster than 80k an hour.
I mae it to Rundu at 6:30, got a taxi to Rachel’s principals house with time to spare before the swearing in. It was nice to see it with other Americans. The only problem was that his Afrikaaner wife kept interjecting her thoughts and opinions. She and I butted heads about 9/11. She kept saying I’ve been brainwashed - I just wanted to smack her. She’s not even American, so I felt she didn’t have a right to argue, lol.
I’ve talked to Mr. Kuwema about transport but I have to stay another day in Rundu. I’ll be home by Thursday…Thank God.
Thursday, January 22 - Wednesday, January 28:
I finally arrived back at site today. I took all day to figure out transport and I wound up unloading a shit load of stuff into my flat at 8:30pm. My house was intact with a few new cobwebs here and there. I was exhausted but went and chatted with my neighbors a bit before heading to bed.
Friday was spent unpacking everything - donated stuff as well as my 10 Christmas packages! I am so blessed! I scored as well as my OVCs. I discovered that someone had cut our hose for the garden. It’s weird. They didn’t just steal the hose. They took a portion of it and now it’s not long enough to reach certain things. Sucks. My personal garden was a mess. Most everything has died and it was full of weeds. Guess my neighbor didn’t really want the R20 a week I had promised her. The big garden was in decent shape. The corn is growing well and so are the tomatoes and butternut squash. Yes, my initial reaction was…why isn’t it over flowing with bounty? Lol. But I’ve learned to appreciate the little things and make them huge!
I spent the weekend just cleaning my flat and organizing with a movie and a video game thrown in from time to time.
Monday I worked from my flat and I honestly can’t remember what I accomplished. Tuesday prepared for my OVCs. They were really excited for me to be back. I brought up the idea of breaking into 2 smaller groups - older and younger - and they jumped on it. This ultimately creates more work for me but it’s easier work. It was getting too difficult to find things to fit all the age ranges. I introduced the point system to them. It’s a way for them to earn points on behavior, grades, attendance, etc. that they can spend on school supplies and fun stuff. They LOVED the idea and LOVE seeing the chart on the wall with their names and the points they are collecting. We watched Charlotte’s Web and took it easy.
Today, I prepared for the first day of the older group. Once again my translator was very late but one of the kids took over and did it. Damien…he’s amazing! They created posters about ‘what I want my life to look like when I’m older’. They cut out pictures from magazines. It was great fun to watch them work. Many of the guys cut out pictures of hot cars and sexy white women, lol. The girls cut out pictures of nice clothes, attractive black men, pictures of families, etc. It’s funny…no matter where in the world you find yourself, those gender differences are apparent at such an early age.
Yesterday we piled and I do mean PILED into Sarah’s parent’s rented car and headed back to her site. It was fun to watch and listen to them and remember what it was like for us the first time we rode on that road. Their comments and oohs and ahhs. It was also really great to chat with them. They are awesome and Sarah is very lucky to have parents like that. So open and accepting. I realize everyone at some point thinks someone else has it better and that’s not what I mean. I just mean they are really cool people.
Once at her site we unpacked and I tried to contact my ride only to discover it wasn’t coming. I then thought I was going to have to try and hike with all this stuff which would NOT have been fun. I contacted my supervisor and discovered he was heading back from Rundu and would gladly pick me up. We then walked her parents around Nkurenkuru a bit though there was nothing much going on given it was a Sunday. It was still neat to watch their reactions to everything.
When Lyambezi showed up for my ride I discovered Eddie, the couchsurfer from New Orleans in the back. He and I had been making plans for him to come visit my site for a few weeks but I was never sure exactly when he was heading this way. Synchronicity man. We chatted on the drive back and I welcomed him to my place in Mpungu.
The past few days have been great having someone around and yet at the same time I’ve gotten so used to being on my own that I can feel that part of myself wanting my space again. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a GREAT guest and I’ve never felt like I have to entertain him. He’s a Christian, but very laid back and he’s on this journey of hiking around Africa for about 4-6 months. After he leaves my place next week he begins making his way to Cairo.
My OVCs on Tuesday was great fun! I made them peanut butter sandwiches and we watched Harry Potter and the Scorcerer’s Stone. I then presented them with some school supplies that I was able to purchase thanks to Kim, Becky and Kim’s sister. They had sent me money earlier the past week and now they are going to start collecting donations throughout the coming year from clients in order for me to always have money for the kids. I might even be able to feed them each week. They were really happy!
Yesterday I had a meeting about the garden and I had to be a bit stern with them. The garden is NOT being watered regularly and things are dying. I am honestly worried about what will happen while I am gone for a month, but I hope they will maintain it responsibly.
I have been trying to work out transport for the fruit trees from Rundu and finally nailed down a day when I could have the truck. I then tried to contact the Ministry but with no cell network I had to purchase a phone card and use a pay phone - which is a pain in the ass. The first day the woman told me that Faustinus was out in the bush - IN MPUNGU - and could not be reached. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about (ie. the trees). I then called back the next day and a different woman said she’d check and that I should call back in an hour. I called back and a man answered. He didn’t know what I was talking about and started telling me about the proper procedure of doing things and that I needed to submit things in writing. Blah blah blah… I cut him off and explained that I had done all that and spoken directly to Faustinus. He said that I should wait until Monday when he is back. Next week is my last week and if I wait til then to get the trees then I only have a few days to plant 200 trees on the clinic site. On top of that I am supposed to go to Windhoek for an impression of a crown for replacement AND my money for the theater project is supposed to come in and I want to go there to purchase the equipment. When it rains it pours. Days and days without nothing to do and then BAM! A week of non-stop activity.
Saturday, December 6 (early morning):
An interesting thing happened yesterday. I received a text from either Alex or Christine, probably Christine, though I had erased all the 26ers phone numbers from my cells because they were heading home. She said she had just read my blog for the first time and was sorry that I felt that way about them. It took me a minute to understand what she meant. She said she was going to forward my blog to Dinah and John - though I didn’t really understand why that was necessary.
See…my blog is basically my journal cut and pasted. My journal is my personal experience here in Africa - every part of my personal experience. It does exactly what a journal is supposed to do. You use a journal to emote into and hopefully gain insight into yourself in the process. Most people’s are private and not available for public viewing. I choose to put mine out there for my friends and the world to see because of 2 reasons. 1. Someone might have insight into what I’m feeling and can help me see something I cannot. 2. Someone might be going through the same thing or feeling the same way and it’s nice to know ‘you’re not the only one’ sometimes.
After the text sunk in, I went to this worried, stomach turning place and I thought to myself, what’s the lesson in this? If my experience here is all about personal growth, why am I feeling weird and uncomfortable? What is there to learn? At first I thought it might be a lesson in NOT sharing everything I’m feeling with the world. This came from thinking that now I have repercussions to face when the VSOs return. And then, without much more contemplation I realized that NO. The lesson here is about standing up for myself and truly not caring what people think - which is something I’ve struggled with my entire life.
If Dinah and John, more so Dinah, choose to take personally my ‘in the moment’ feelings about a given situation, I have no control over that. The words in my journal depict how I am feeling at that time and do not always express my general consensus about a given person or situation. This is who I am. I am an out loud processor. It’s what keeps me mentally healthy and stress free. It keeps me from hanging on to negative shit and letting it eat away at me. I cannot change who I am in this regard because I’m worried about what someone else thinks of me.
I do not apologize for anything that is written in my journal. I’m not writing a story or trying to tell some fictitious tale about my experience. It’s David, raw and exposed. I spent too many years as a child and adolescent keeping my feelings, thoughts and beliefs locked up inside me for fear of the judgment of others. THAT’S not who I am any more.
Sunday, December 7 - Thursday, December 11:
This is my last week here before heading to the Cape for vacation. Can I just say that I understand the phrase ‘chomping at the bit’ now? I am so eager to go and yet at the same time, I feel like In the past two weeks I have begun to fall in love with this place. Funny huh? I still need a break - TRUST ME! But things are finally starting to fall into place and funds are coming in and connections for funds are being made - so I no longer feel like my hands are tied.
I made a great ‘re-connection’ with my church, New Though Unity Center . The few that I am email back and forth with seem to be very eager to jump into some of my projects here. It will be awesome to have their support - emotionally and spiritually as WELL as financially.
Monday morning Eddie and I got up early and rode to Rundu with the car that needed to be repaired. I thought it worked out great to accomplish some things in town, get him a ride, as well as pick up some of my trees from the Ministry of Forestry. Well, NAMIBIA NAMIBIA, I was stuck there for the night so I crashed at Cobra’s place. Then, the car wasn’t ready until 4:30 the following day. We raced to the Ministry only to discover that people were clocking out and no one wanted to do the paperwork. THEN, some woman who I’d never came out Faustinus and said that we didn’t have the right paperwork or official stamps and couldn’t have this or that. I was furious. 4 months I’ve been working on this…I wasn’t ABOUT to leave without trees in the back of our car. I bitched and moaned and caused a rucous and rode back to Mpungu happily with 50 guava and papaya trees!
I’ve been planting a few trees each day to get them in the ground before I leave. I had my last meeting about the upcoming event and the garden with the group. We rearranged the schedule again in hopes that the garden would not die while I was gone. We also made final plans for the HIV awareness event on Saturday. I introduced a new game that got them really excited.
OH I didn’t even tell you the best news - I got a text that the money for my theater project was deposited into my account. So I am leaving a few days earlier in order to go to Windhoek and purchase the equipment. That way, it’s in the Peace Corps office and when the Rundu driver comes down for repair, he can bring it back for me. You have no idea how excited I am about getting this project going. Also, once we have rapid testing at our clinic, we will become mobile. I now just need to write a proposal for a generator so that we can go into the bush and show movies, do HIV education and HIV testing in villages 20-30k away. This next year is going to be GREAT! I have it all planned out what I am going to accomplish and the funds should be here to do everything.
Right now Sakeus and Jaffe have stopped by to watch a movie. I have my Christmas lights on, Christmas tree from Patti lit and playing holiday music. They are dancing like they were in a club. It’s cute and great and yes, I’m LOVING this.
Friday, December 12 - Saturday, December 13:
I don’t remember much about Friday, but the event on Saturday was successful and everyone had a great time. Now begins my journey south to Cape Town. On the way to the hike point I was picked up by a car going to Nkurenkuru via Zone. I took it for fear of not finding another. I have never been to Zone. It’s very green and lush there. It continues to amaze me that you can turn off of a main road, travel a couple of kilometers through nothing and then come upon a village. I am sitting under a tree while the driver visits with his family at the homestead. Isn’t it funny…? In the states we’d never pick up a hitchhiker let alone take him/her with us to our relatives’ house. Here it’s just part of life. I hope to make it to Rundu today and travel to Windhoek tomorrow. I am SO ready for this vacation!
Tonight, after it taking close to 6 hours to reach Rundu, was probably the bumpiest hike of my life. I hung out with Cedar and Kerri and went to bed early .
Sunday, December 14:
We got up early to hit the road. I went to the TRC first to make a sign and grab my tent - though I decided I didn’t really need it. I went to the hike point before them but after an hour, they arrived and I still hadn’t snagged a ride. About 30 minutes later we ALL got a ride in the back of an el camino type car. It was dreary and overcast and we thought for sure we’d get rained on. With it being so cloudy, none of us thought to put on sunscreen. Between that and how cold it was, who knew we’d arrive in Windhoek, 7 hours later - battered, sore, necks cramped and burnt to a crisp! You could cook eggs on our faces and legs. It’s really scary sometimes how intense the African sun is.
We dropped our bags at the place Kerri and Cedar were staying (where I am crashing on the floor) and I went to the PC lounge for the internet. SCORE! It was full of stuff the 26ers left behind. I now have stickers, a tape measure, bras, clothes, books, CD cases and many other things to use as prizes for our HIV awareness events. I also talked to Stephanie in the office about having ALL the clothes shipped north if no one claimed them.
I went to the store to buy stuff to make a salad for dinner and then they decided to go for pizza at the mall. I went along for the company and in taking a short cut, we found ourselves in a fair ground like area that was deserted. We ended up having to climb a barbed wire fence to get out.
Monday, December 15 - Wednesday, December 17:
The last few days have been rushing around trying to get everything for the theater project. Yesterday at 3:00 when I bought the last piece and felt like my vacation had officially started. I got all the equipment back into the storage at the PC office. I also met up with my friend Karel who used to live in Mpungu. Then last night Jehan and I went to dinner and had a blast. I’ve always really enjoyed her but this was the most 1 on 1 time we’ve had. We walked from there to the Chameleon where Claire was staying and hung out for a bit. This morning we got up early to start hiking around 8 am. After 3 hours, Carlos who is driving all the way to Cape Town, picked us up. A free ride ALL the way.
I’ve never been south of Windhoek and I can say this…I like the north MUCH better. We’ve been driving now for like 5 hours in nothing. Total desert. I mean literally nothing! Towns are spaced about 300k form one another. I feel like I am in ‘The Hills Have Eyes 3’.
Thursday, December 18:
This morning, Claire and I arrived at Long St. at 3:00 am. We had not even gotten our bags out of the car when we were offered to buy some weed. We said goodbye to Carlos - forgot my Nalgene in his car - and started looking for a hostel. Fortunately the first one we stopped at had a twin room so we took it, brushed our teeth and went right to bed.
I awoke at 7, not ever being able to sleep in and we packed, moved our things to the hostel Claire had reservations at, and went to breakfast. Croissants stuffed with scrambled eggs, portabella mushrooms, fresh basil and parmesean. After a year in the village - this was heaven. Speaking of food, I forgot to mention that the night before, Carlos stopped in Springbok and bought us dinner. He was very sweet.
After breakfast we walked around, bought some jewelry, a painting and a tapestry at the craft market, bought our South African phone cards from a Persian guy from Toronto and had another great meal for lunch. This place is amazing. So beautiful and so diverse. The only downside so far is that I am more aware -after being in the corps for a year - that all the service staff - everywhere you go - is black. Maybe it’s something I never noticed in the states, but here it’s so apparent.
Long St. is similar to gaslight Clifton in that it’s hip, laid back - you see dreads and tattoos and supermodels. Seriously, supermodels! We kept thinking we’d run into the other PCVs that are here but they continued to elude us.
I stopped by a tattoo place to schedule an appt. A year in the bush deserves a mark. When we walking around we saw a 7/11 and a McDonalds. I mean really, where are we?
I touched base with Geoffrey and made plans for taking the train in the morning to Somerset West where we will go to a sculpture exhibit and then head to the mountains for the weekend. On his suggestion, Claire and I took a taxi to the waterfront to see the sunset. We walked around all the shops - Guess, Jimmy Choo, Louis Vitton - again, where the hell are we? We decided to have dinner at a thai place and between the view of the clouds on Table mountain, the sushi appetizer, pad thai noodles, live music and people watching..I was over come with joy. I was on vacation! A real vacation. One that will rejuvenate my soul for my final year.
After Haagen Daaz for dessert - yes, Haagen Daaz! - we headed back to Long St. where we ran into Obie, Mila and Katie finishing up their dinner. We headed to Mesopotamia (a Turkish restaurant) to smoke shishah from a hookah. My first true hookah experience. It was nice with the mint tea I was drinking. Afterwards it was seriously time for bed.
Friday, December 19 - Saturday, December 20 (early):
After breakfast, Claire walked me to the train station to head to Plumstead. It was cheap and easy to navigate and I had a splendid conversation with Donald, a retired financial something or other. Once there, I met Jodi and Felix - dancer friends of Janines - and we headed to Somerset West. Geoffrey’s place is amazing. Surrounded by a wild garden - this 150 year old house is quaint and comfortable. While they were preparing lunch I went for a swim in the pool - I can’t believe I’ll be staying here for a few days.
After lunch we went to a museum in Stellenbosch to see a Rodin exhibit. Driving through these well manicured streets and gated communities filled with amazing foliage…I really began to wonder where I was. Then we’d pass a township, which is basically a location, and I’d see the shacks where people desperately try to carve out a life and I’d remember - I’m in Africa.
The exhibit was brilliant but I was overwhelmed. All this beauty. All this creativity. It made me think about all the stimulation - creative or otherwise - I’ve received in my life. Every painting, TV sow, song, amusement park, county fair, family reunion, school play, Halloween - all of those millions of things that shaped who I am today. Shaped all of us. What if all of it was gone? Taken away? Erased. Who would we be? What kind of - if any - motivation would we have to exist? To succeed? To thrive? Those in my village that I am trying to help, face exactly that. They have had so little stimulus to feed their souls that the perceived laziness and apparent alcoholism seem very minor to how I think I’d behave.
We returned to Geoffrey’s where we packed the cars and headed to the mountain. This place is spectacular. A small, one room cottage, with a loft at the base of these enormous cliffs with a view of the town down below and the ocean beyond it. Even the toilet is outside, away from the house, with no walls - overlooking the valley. What a way to take a shit. I’m telling you.
I slept so peacefully last night and this morning during breakfast, enjoyed watching a group of baboons playing on the hillside. Today we are hiking towards the cliffs and I’m gonna swim in the pool formed by the stream running alongside the cottage. This is the perfect start to my 3 weeks in South Africa.
Saturday, December 20:
I hiked and explored the stream bed with Felix and Geoffrey. I always get recharged being in nature but it was great watching them because they are SO into it. Throughout the day I had amazing conversations with Geoff about spirituality, racism, apartheid, Africans - life in general. Our views seem to be similar though I feel his may go much deeper than mine. I don’t mean that mine are superficial, just that he’s done more contemplation in his life and that part of mine is just beginning. I thought we’d make it up to the cliffs today but that will have to wait until tomorrow.
Sunday, December 21:
Today, I got up and read a bit, then after breakfast - Felix, Geoff and I headed up the mountain. I wasn’t sure how far we’d get but after an hour so found ourselves at the base of the cliffs. The view was mind boggling. Felix headed back to the cabin because he needed to get back to Cape Town early. Geoff and I continued to explore, having great conversations long the way.
We decided to head back alon the stream bed which was amazing. Scrambling down rocks, taking breaks to swim in the pools. The only thing I kept freaking out about was all the spiderwebs with the big juicy inhabitants. I had a run-in with a giant spider when I was a boy and I suppose it scarred me.
We made it back to the cabin around 2:30, rested, packed up, swam some more, then headed down the mountain. I decided to have them drop me at the Shell station cause I figured it would be easier for Piet to pick me up. I’ve decided to stay with him for a bit.
H picked me up and came to his beautiful house with lush gardens and a nice warm pool. Really. Once again, where am I? He’s Afrikaaner and yet our conversations are very different from the ones I’ve had with whites in Namibia. He’s very laid back and doesn’t appear to be racist in any way. I am just slightly concerned about his motivations for letting me stay. He’s made some innocent sexual references even though I tried to make it clear on the internet prior to my coming, that it wasn’t part of my intention in finding free places to stay.
Monday, December 22:
Did I mention how badly I am peeling? It’s been so long since I’ve not had a lengthy, daily exposure to the sun that I am shedding like an under-watered Christmas tree. And speaking of which, it’s difficult for me to fathom that it’s in a couple of days. Even though I hear the music and see the decorations, I don’t feel festive. So another holiday I miss and another next year. Damn.
Yesterday Piet dropped me off at the local mall while he had a few hours work. I sat around and people watched. I became very aware of how all the wait staff, cleaning staff, etc. was black while ALL the people perusing the mall were white or colored. There were no Black Africans - which is a strange way to say it - shopping in the mall.
Somerset West is this absolutely beautiful place of big houses and rolling lawns and lush gardens with secured, fenced in properties filled with white Africans. While the blacks life outside of town in shacks - literally, shacks made out of tin and cement. It made me wonder about the US. If I looked around there would I notice all those jobs filled by African Americans? Have I just always been oblivious to it? Or is it really a mixture of everyone and so here the difference stands out more?
It’s interesting talking to Piet about it because he’s very liberal and accepting. He told me that he felt South Africa had a ways to go but that there was a time in recent history that they whites realized their parents were wrong about apartheid and ‘woke-up’. People in American can admit slavery was wrong but have we done anything or feel responsible for doing anything about it? Piet talks a lot about how here, people actually stand up to their government. They protest. Newspapers write actual truths. The public is not duped - like we are in America, he says. He said that most people here don’t believe Americans are really ‘free’ because of the bubble we are either forced or choose to lie in. I think I agree with him. We are so controlled and anesthetized by our world. The news keeps us in constant fear of the world around us. Magazines and television tell us what to buy, what to wear, how to feel about ourselves, what medication to take if we feel ‘off’ in any way and then give us 800 channels of mindless entertainment to keep us ‘distracted’. Doesn’t it make you think about the motivation behind all of that? Who is benefiting? Drug companies, media moguls, he government. I understand message in V for Vendetta. I understand why people risk their lives to stand up to their government. What I wonder, is if there are other Americans that feel the same, why aren’t we doing something about it?
Piet then points out that we are beginning to with the recent election. He compares the similarities between the change in South Africa and what’s going on in the states. Could Obama lead to an unimaginable new era in American History? God, I hope so. So after all that depth, I walked around Cape Town, exploring shops, craft markets, the beach - I’m finding it difficult thinking about returning to my village. I’m finding myself not really thinking about my village al all. Is that bad?
Tuesday, December 23 - Wednesday, December 24:
So the other day (damn, I just realized how often I start my journal with ‘so…’), Piet had a little somethin’ somethin’ planned for the morning, so I used his scooter to return DVDs (yes, I rented DVDs) and go pick up a bag at Geoffrey’s. Then he dropped me off at the train station so I could get back to Cape Town. I got my head shaved for R15 and then met up with Joe for lunch. He introduced me to Kris - a former front girl for a punk band in England, Dylan - who has a house in Sri Lanka, and Gretchen - an American VSO. All of them working in northern Namibia near me!
We had a great lunch of jerk chicken nachos at a dive called Mojito’s and then Piet met us there. He and I had planned on going to the botanical gardens, so he invited everyone to join. The gardens are at the base of Table mountain and are truly spectacular. We spent the rest of the afternoon there and in the process, I really got to know Dylan better. Great guy! And I have a place to stay in Sri Lanka whenever I want. Piet then offered to drive us to Cape Point the next day. Piet and I returned to Somerset and went to see ‘The Women’.
The morning of Christmas eve I found myself shopping with Pete for a gift for his mum. While in the bookstore, I started crying - it came out of nowhere. Homesickness brought on by the festiveness of the season around me. We finished there then headed to pick everyone up. Again, great conversation with Piet. I have a completely different take on Afrikaaners now - at least those of South Africa.
The drive to the point (where the 2 oceans meet) was breathtaking. It included ssing the penguins at Boulder’s Point, lunch in Simon’s Town - calamari, yum - and ending with probably the most amazing scenic views I’ve ever witnessed. On the top of the mountain, by the lighthouse, seeing 2 oceans at once. How do you come down from a high like that? I am also falling in love with Gretchen and Kris - they are wonderfully spirited.
Back in CT, I checked into my hostel, met up with the rest of the 27ers to go shopping for Christmas dinner (Mexican for Christmas in South Africa…hows that???) and then to Masal Dosa for dinner. It’s a lesbian owned Indian/Persian restaurant. We had 3 courses that included a sevi pevu appetizer, dosa for an entrée and cardamom flavored ice cream with crushed cashews for dessert. Seriously, how do I return to my village after this? Seriously!!
I then met up with Joe and we walked to Da Waterkant, which is the ‘gay’ area. It was early and there wasn’t much going on, but the night slowly gained momentum. The lack of black men was sort of shocking. It was ALL whites Afrikaaners or tourists and colored guys. Colored here is used for the descendants of blacks who married the Dutch and German settlers. It’s not a derogatory word like it is in the states.
I did talk to one guy from the Congo at Bronx and then got into a very nice conversation with David, a Kenyan, at Manhattens. Yes, both named after New York, lol. I then tried to real in Joe for the walk back to the hostel. Everyone had said don’t walk around at night, but I felt completely safe. Joe and David headed in one direction and I another. There was a street vender selling falafels which looked great so it became my first Christmas present to myself - since it was 2 in the morning! It was delicious. Too tired to brush my teeth I headed to bed with my ear plugs and slept soundly.
Thursday, December 25 - Friday, December 26 (early):
Christmas day. In Africa. Quite unlike the same day in America. I have found myself missing many elements of the holidays that in the states I complained about. What I miss the most is the energy. I do feel like, for a very short period, no matter who you are or what you believe, that during Christmas there is a small window where the majority of the world is at peace. You can feel it in the air. Thought I did feel it very slightly here, it wasn’t the same. Africa is an amazing continent with so many problems and no easy answers. In talking with other volunteers from different organizations and just people from all over Africa, it’s clear there aren’t any. Most people, sitting in their homes in other parts of the world are completely clueless to what actually goes on here and what it will or would take to incite change. Black Africans want progress and many want the things we have but they cling so tightly o traditional ways and most lack any sense of ‘thinking about tomorrow’ because of the struggle to survive each day. The task of change seems impossible. But enough philosophy.
Yesterday I hung with Claire a bit in the morning, had McDonalds! For lunch then met up with the rest of Nam27 to plan dinner. At one point I took a nap and then found myself on the balcony of the hostel having a conversation with 4 guys from Sydney, Holland, Morocco and Egypt. This sort of thing never happens in Cincinnati. The Egypt guy actually lives and teaches drama in Tsumeb! I want to stay in touch with him because he could possibly do something with my OVCs.
Christmas dinner was amazing and our Mexican fiesta - which we celebrated with volunteers from Mozambique - was festive. Afterwards we were all very tired and went our separate ways. Claire, her brother, and I came up here to the balcony and hung out with Odie, Andraak, Farol and Henshrid. I found myself having to stand up for Peace Corps with Andraak. He seemed to have a negative opinion of it. I finally got tired of staring at him and went to bed.
Today I’m going to hike Table mountain with some friends when head to Somerset to crash at Piet’s again before heading to Hermanis for a shark dive - NOT me…Dylan.
Friday, December 26 - Saturday, December 27:
Friday I was going to hike the mountain with some friends but they were hungover so I decided to explore some on my own. I ended up walking 3 hours to Camps Bay and hanging at the beach for a bit before cabbing it back to Long St. I grabbed some lunch, had a chat with a rasta then met up with Kris, Gretchen and Dylan for a movie. We missed ‘Twilight’ so saw ‘Madagascar 2’ instead, then grabbed our things before Piet picked us up for Somerset. We did a braai and then crashed.
Saturday we took our time leaving and headed to Hermanis around 11. We took our time, stopping and exploring the beauty along the way. We arrived in the afternoon, checked into the hostel then grabbed dinner. There is some tension between the girls and Dylan and so I find myself being sort of a buffer. It’s fine. I enjoy all 3 of them. When we got back to the hostel we had a beer and then played some cards. We were joined in our room by an older French woman who is sort of cranky. She kept complaining about the smell - which was Dylan’s feet mind you - but I’s a hostel, not a 5 star!
We were awoken around 3 in the morning to Dylan coming in drunk. He tried to jump into his bed and brought it down on top of the French woman - funny. Today we got up early to get to the place for the diving. I was concerned about seasickness but forgot Dramamine, so it was too late. I chugged ginger beer instead. It didn’t hit me until we were out in the water - in the cage IN the water - that I would be inches from a great white shark. It wasn’t long before one arrived. HUGE! About 15 ft long. The adrenalin was amazing! It sort of attacked the corner of our cage and then swam by rightin front of us - inches from us! Dam! How do you put that into words?
Once out of the cage I saw a few more up close throughout the day. Overall - WELL worth the R795. We returned to Hermanis and have been chilling with cards and TV. And gelato! Tonight I’m going to have great seafood with the other PCVs and tomorrow it’s off to Wildernis. How do I go back to the village after this? (tends to be the theme of this holiday). Kris is playing the guitar and singing in the other room right now. It’s beautiful.
Sunday, December 28 - Monday, December 29:
Sunday evening I enjoyed dinner with the other volunteers at a nice - well, very nice - steak house (instead of seafood). I then headed to bed while they watched ‘We are Marshall’. With no time schedule in the morning, the four of us took our time packing and heading out of Hermanis to Wildernis.
The drive here was breathtaking. So green and full of hills. Every time we crested a hill you could see miles and miles of hay fields, grazing lands, ostrich and sheep farms, winelands and forests. This part of South Africa is NOT how most Americans would visualize this continent. There were plenty of moments, as we wound out way through the pine covered hills, that I felt I was in the smokey mountains of KY or parts of Virginia.
We finally arrived at Asanti, which is like a hippie Afrikaaner camp ground complete with dreaded guys smoking hash and everyone walking around barefoot. Lots of tow headed children running around between what appears to be several different mothers. It’s like I’ve entered a grunge-like Arian love commune complete with nirvana being blasted in the common room. I taught the gang spades and while we waited for veggie lasagna to be prepared in a clay oven, we drank ciders and laughed our assess off. Tomorrow we go canoeing, kloofing and abseiling.
Tuesday, December 30:
We got up this morning, had a great breakfast, Dylan headed off for a whole day’s adventure and myself and the girls played cards until it was time to go abseiling. Kris introduced us to ‘shithead’ which is not my favorite card game ever! Jannis drove us to the adventure site and we headed into the canyon. It was breathtaking. Hanging off the side of this rocky cliff, hundreds of feet above a tidal pool. Abseiling is similar to repelling. We actually scaled down the cliff wall into the water. After a few times, some of us decided to swim and get in some kloofing - which is basically cliff diving. Mine was more like cliff cannon balling but at least now I can say I’ve ‘kloofed’.
We had decided to make pizza for dinner so we met up with Dylan afterwards to hit the store. Some drama went down over money then no one wante to make pizza anymore. There has been a lot of, well drama is the best word, going on with the 3 of them since I came into the picture I think it’s understandable when different personalities spend a lot of time together - especially when you are travelling. It hasn’t affected my vacation in any way, so I’m not really concerned.
The remainder of the night we played cards in a hash smoke infested pool room where I do believe I had somewhat of a contact buzz. It’s fun being the one not doing drugs in a crow of those partaking. It’s funny.
Wednesday, December 31:
Dylan and I spent 4 hours driving back to Cape Town through some of the most beautiful countryside I’ve ever seen. We got to Piet’s early and since he had lunch plans, we went to the beach for lunch. Piet drove us into town around 3 and I began the mad search for a place to rest my head. I only had to go to 2 places before I found something. I wish I had looked further. I was in a dorm room on the first floor directly next to the bar that was setting up the loud speakers for a party. Sleep? What is sleep? Lol.
Once I checked in and showered, I met up with the rest of the 27ers to figure out dinner. After deciding on the waterfront, we headed out. I had gotten an sms from a friend about a big street party in Green Point that I was considering attending, but at R400, I changed my mind.
We put our names in at an Italian place and hung outside with bottles of champaign in bags. We’re so classy, us PCVs. I really love these guys but am so aware of age when I hang with them.
We were finally seated inside when I got an sms from Justin telling me the party was only R250. I figured it was worth that much to hangout with a beer and be a little gay. I left my friends and headed to that part of town. The whole way there I questioned what I was doing leaving friends to hang with strangers on the final new years of my 30s. I walked past the various bars, noticing the cover charges and ended up with a cider at Manhattens. It seems to be the only one where you will find black African men. I sat alone, watching the crowd, realizing I was yet again, alone and melancholy knocked on the door. I just thought about my life and where I am and so on and started smiling. A really, big, shit-eating grin! I love my life and am very happy. It became clear that the only thing really missing was someone to share it with. This of course led me to think about Mark. And this led to me wanting to kiss a cute black boy to remind me of him. It didn’t happen. I was sitting on the curb, with a beer, alone when my phone told me it was 2009. It’s okay though. It really is.
I hung out pathetically there until around 1:30 then headed back to Long St. where I met up with the others and newbies that had arrived this week. We caught up, hung out til around 3:30 then all went home. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my body shaking from the thump of the speakers, I wished everyone I knew a Happy New Year and drifted off.
Thursday, January 1 - Friday, January 2 (6 am):
New Years day was spent chilling and meandering. I went to breakfast at Rcafe for a ricotta stuffed omelet sandwich with chives on herb bread…delicious! I then hit an internet café for a bit before meeting up with the PCVs. The remainder of the day included lunch, Extreme Home Makeover and Chinese take-away.
I am sitting here this morning not being as introspective as I would have imagined. I know 40 is a milestone but right now it just feels like any other day. Age never has been an issue for me and I certainly don’t feel like I think I should. I guess the only thing I am contemplative about is why I’m alone at 40. I don’t think I’m lonely per se but I do want to share my life with someone and I wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Well, I know why - my insecurities, my inability to commit - but I think I mean more about that ‘connection’ to someone that comes with full acceptance. That ‘match’ that I’ve felt on different levels in the past but why hasn’t’ it ‘stuck’? Am I too controlling? Not compromising? Too caught up in my own stuff? Too picky? Too judgmental? Yes, it’s probably call those things. Actually, even as I write all this, I realize I’m not all that concerned about it afterall. I won’t be 100% ready for a relationship until I heal and love myself enough to where I don’t ‘need’ one to fill any type of void. I feel closer to that place every day.
Friday, January 2 (the big 40!):
I don’t think I could have asked fro a better birthday. I intended to start with breakfast at Lola’s but they were not open so I had some yoghurt and muesli instead. Then, Nick, Milan and I went to the Turkish baths. Between the steam, sauna, and pool, I felt my pores open, release their toxins, and walked out refreshed and almost high. Nick and I decided to hunt for massages, but after no luck, had a lunch of greasy calamari and fish. We then perused the cxraft market for a bit before I split with them to head to the waterfront with Milan and Katie. There we boarded the ferry to Robbin Island to visit the prison where Mendella was incarcerated for 18 years. I thought it would be more emotional but between the ‘speed’ of the tour and the fact that I had never read his book, it was anti -climactic. The tour itself left you no time to just wander and absorb the history.
Once back at the Cape, we headed to the sushi place to meet up with the others. I proceeded to have the most delicious, extravagant meal I’ve had since I left the states. The fish was exquisite and I didn’t even flinch when my bill came to R300.
We grabbed Haagen Daaz afterwards and then walked to Green Point. The girls had never been to a gay bar so were full of questions and comments. Milan got cruised a lot and Nick even got a phone number but the birthday boy left that evening empty handed and without even a celebratory kiss, lol. We walked back to Long St. where I headed to bed.
Saturday, January 3:
I lost my camera today. The camera itself is not all that important but it’s loss is. First, every photo I’ve taken on my Cape Town holiday is gone. Second, I now have no means to take photos at my site. I’m upset but I’m not upset. It’s a strange thing. I truly am sad for those two reasons but then not as sad as I would have expected myself to be. I’m still trying to figure this one out.
I lost the camera hiking Table mountain. It was an amazing hike and the views were spectacular. I went up with Justin and Tom, 2 white South Africans. They semed like really nice guys. But then when they were taking me back to the hostel, we got stuck in some traffic caused by a carnival that was taking place It was some type of colored celebration. As people tried to cross the streets in front of us, the racist comments and name called began. I sat in uncomfortable silence. I wanted to say something but then was reminded of something Milan had said to me a few days earlier. ‘We don’t know their personal history’. True, I don’t. It still felt weird but then it occurred to me. I’ve been stuck in downtown Cincy during the Jazz festival before and though I never yelled obscenities at people, negative thoughts did fill my head. They were as blatant as this, but they were still comments directed at a specific group of people due to my own impatience. Are we all a little racist on some level due to our upbringing and society in general? It made me think of Mark and I. When people would discover he was black, there would sometimes be comments - not negative, just acknowledgment of him being black. I used to always say that ‘I don’t see color, I just see Mark’. I read an article in a local rag where a few days ago discussing that very thing. A black person was upset when someone said that. She commented, ‘Why wouldn’t you see my color?’. We are, as Americans, sometime so sanitized to be politically correct. To not see race. But to choose not to see it means we are not acknowledging our differences and in the process, eliminating what makes each of us special. It’s as though we are trying to homogenize the entire human race into a new category - but isn’t NOT labeling and judging people for their differences the main goal? I really understand the phrase celebrate diversity now. In order to fully accept another person you have to acknowledge their uniqueness.
Even with myself, I’ve always said that I’m neither ashamed nor proud of my sexuality - it’s just a part of who I am. But…it IS a part of who I am and not wanting people to necessarily know it outright tells me I may still have some shame in it. I’ve always liked the ft hat s people can’t ‘tell’ from looking at me. I’ve even felt lucky because of it. But that’s shame and embarrassment, isn’t it? If I truly, deep down, was 100% okay with who I was, it really wouldn’t matter if they could tell or not. I love realizations like this but then sometimes, when you think you’ve worked so hard on yourself, you dig a layer deeper and find more shit. The road to fully loving oneself is very long. I just hope I have the patience for it.
Sunday, January 4 - Tuesday, January 6:
Sunday was a chilled out day. It had to be - my legs were on fire! For whatever reason I can’t remember the rest of the day. Mark has been on my brain lately. I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not but I sent him an email a few days back - spilling my heart. I basically told him that I was in love with him still and wanted to try a long distance relationship. What was I expecting his response to be? It took him a few days to get back to me and I was a little sad - though understanding - of his unwillingness. He asked me how I knew I loved him. He then created a list of his reasons why he loved me. I sat there starring at them. They were all about him actually. I wanted to write back an tell him I know I loved him cause I felt it, but I thought I’d come up with a list as well. My list was ALL about him. I found that interesting. It then made me wonder - do our lists mesh?
I’m having my doubts that they do. I fear that Mark is in his head when it comes to me. His reasons were all things he did - he respected me, he worked hard to improve our relationship, he tried to make me happy every day - none of those are really about me. These email exchanges have shed some interesting light on our relationship.
Monday I had breakfast at Rcafe then went to the movies to see ‘Australia’. I then was picked up by Lwazi, a black South African, who was letting me cras at his place. This was very educational. His father is the major of Durban and he’s met Oprah. He’s had a very different experience than most blacks here. His house (that he only uses 2 months out of the year) is spectacular. I talked his ear off about race relations, especially within the gay community. Fascinating.
I heard again from Mark with a more intimate list of reasons why he loved me. I have no doubt that he has and does. I just wonder if there’s a chance for us to start anew at some point in the future.
Today, Lwazi drove me back to the Cape, I checked into Abantu for the night, met up with Nick, Heather and Natalie and hung for the day. I went and got my nose pierced before going for my tattoo. I love my new ink though I do wish I would have gotten the ‘ohm’ symbol in red. We went to dinner at a fantastic Ethiopian restaurant then grabbed a drink at Marvel. Overall, a perfect last night in the Cape.
Wednesday, January 7:
We got up early, packed up, grabbed breakfast, hiked to the train station, missed our train, found a minibus and got dropped off along the highway to begin our journey home. We were trying for about 90 minutes with nothing. We then decided Nick and I should stay hidden and just let the girls hike. Within minutes we had our first ride going 80k out of town. On the way there I sent a thank you sms to Piet and low and behold, he was 5 minutes from us on his way to vacation.
He offered 2 of us a ride 300k and though I was set to take it, the others were nervous about hiking alone in SA. I thanked Piet and apologized and sent him on his way. Within minutes a sheep truck stopped and Heather, not liking to turn down rides if people stop, accepted a 35k ride with Nick and I IN the back WITH the sheep. He was shat on several times during that. One for the books I supposed. Our next hike took us 20 minutes to get and 30k further. I kept thinking that if this was how we were creeping back to Windhoek, it would take a week.
At the next place, we grabbed food at a petrol station, then back to the road. After a bit, 4 PCVs who had rented a car stopped by and had room for both of Nick’s marimbas. Moments after, we were picked up by 2 young Afrikaaners going all the way to Windhoek - BUT…over the course of several days. They would take us to about 200k south of Keets. Good enough.
Last night, after spending almost 2 hours getting through customs at the border, we camped along the river. I slept outside, without a tent to the sound of the nearby water. It was wonderful.
Thursday, January 8 - Friday, January 9:
We got up and packed the truck and headed out. We had planned on getting out at the petrol station and hiking from there. Jacob said he could drop us outside Keets but he was going to drive through the canyons a bit to show Carla and did we want to tag along. Sure!
The desert was amazing, hot and beautiful. AT one point we found ourselves at a lodge where we snuck in and swam for a bit. Jacob then showed us on the map where his grandfather’s game ranch was and said that we were welcome to stay the night and go to Sossusvlei the next day with them. It took me a split second to say yes while the others pondered.
We drove to the ranch which seemed to be located at the edge of the world. Once there, we jumped in a water tank/pool to cool off. The place was deserted. It was opulent - leather couches, satellite TV, beds with pillows, lol. I had been thinking on the drive out there that who in their right mind would want to live in the desert…even more isolated than I had felt in Mpungu? But that evening, with the sunset and the cool breeze - I understood what the draw was. We made sandwiches, had some wine and then I slept on the ground again. It was too nice not to.
We got up, packed and headed to Sossusvlei. On the way we stopped at a lodge for breakfast. And what did we do after breakfast you might ask? We went in a pen with 3 full grown cheetahs and petted them. OMG! When does shit like this happen? It goes down as one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They were purring so loudly, licking our hands and nibbling our fingers. Damn. (I’m sure they were thinking - tastes like chicken!), lol
We then drove to the dunes - the oldest desert on the planet to be exact. It’s called the world’s largest sandbox. Again…beautiful and amazing. We climbed one of the smaller dunes which was difficult enough. The sand was burning hot and the angle very steep. We went from there to a lodge for a drunk and though we wanted to sneak into their pool - we did not. We began our journey back towards Moltehore. The 3 of them decided, at 7 pm, to go to the petrol station and try to hike to Mariental. I had had enough for one day, so here I was, alone at the backpackers. The only guest, sitting at a table, watching the sun set, listening to my Ipod and journaling. I’m actually tearing up because I am so happy…so at peace. This ends one of the most amazing vacations I’ve ever taken. I’m ready to go home to my village and complete my final year with the Peace Corps. PC is the greatest thing I’ve ever chosen to do with my life on so many levels. I hope I can take this calmness and contentedness back to the states with me.
Saturday, January 10:
Got up early, showered, paid my bill and headed into ‘town’. As I looked around, I began to fear that my chances of getting out were going to be slim. The previous night I had had an interesting conversation with David - the French guy who owns the place - and his mother. It’s funny to me how I’ve been afraid most of my life to engage people on a daily basis. I’ve realized that when you don’t, you miss out on SO much.
Within an hour I got a lift to Mariental. I thought I was going to have to pay ut it was free. Could I really make it to and from Cape Town with NO money? Hells yeah I could! I grabbed some breakfast at Wimpy’s. My new year’s resolution to eat healthier is very difficult to keep when hitchhiking through Africa, lol. I snagged a ride to Windhoek in about 20 minutes and arrived few hours later.
I got dropped off in front of Chameleon just as Thea was walking out and though they were full, she had an extra bed and invited me to sleep in her room. We ran by the PC office, then grabbed lunch at the craft market with some other PCVs. Then it was back to Chameleon for a swim and some chillin’. Later, some of us went for pizza while others went to Joe’s beer house. Afterwards, Catherine and I came back for a movie and everyone else went to a wine bar. I was happy to be in bed before 10.
Sunday, January 11 - Tuesday, January 13:
Sunday was spent meeting up with the other PCVs at the office and waiting around for transport to Graeter’s. Once there, we swam, caught up, had dinner, and began the huge movie swap. Over the next two days we sat through many sessions that bored us and drove us a little crazy. Again, the most important thing was collecting new movies, lol. It’s been great seeing everyone and sharing our successes and non-success (I’m learning no to call them failures). I feel like I am in such a different place than I was a year ago. No anxiousness. Very little fear. I am more pumped to return to site and knock-em dead with my energy. This next year is going to ROCK!
Wednesday, January 14 - Thursday, January 15:
The last couple of days in Windhoek have been okay. I did some work for VSN, hung out with the others that have to stay behind an used the internet. I have to stay an extra week to have a crown replaced. I remember when I first arrived in Namibia that I thought I would travel to the big city more often because I would need to - emotionally, that is. But I am really ready to get back to the village. I miss it. Besides, when you are out of money and there are no good movies playing at the theater, what else can you do here? Lol
Friday, January 16:
More Windhoek today. It dawned on me that I could have hiked to Swakopmund for 5 more days of the beach before my appt. on Monday. That was really silly of me.
Saturday, January 17 -Tuesday, January 21:
So…more days in Windhoek - biding my time between the internet, TV and the mall. Sounds like I’m back in the states, eh? Had my dentist appt. and I am ready to go.
I took a ride up one of the big hills overlooking Windhoek with a friend the other night. It was quiet and the lights were beautiful. It made me miss home - my new home, Mpungu.
I’ve been seeing a lot of the inauguration stuff on TV and that’s been amazing. I hope I make it to Rundu on Tuesday in time to see his speech. I do find it interesting that so many Africans are thinking that Obama is going to come to their rescue. He has enough on his plate with our country to handle first. We need to strengthen the US before we can reach out to other nations again. This wonderful man has so much on his shoulders. He will be in my thoughts daily.
Got to the hike point early and got a ride to Otavi within 15 minutes. A sweet elderly guy. Once there, I waited about an hour for a ride to Groot - the black hole. There, I waited about 90 minutes and got a ride in a semi. They are always comfortable and reliable but take longer because they cannot go faster than 80k an hour.
I mae it to Rundu at 6:30, got a taxi to Rachel’s principals house with time to spare before the swearing in. It was nice to see it with other Americans. The only problem was that his Afrikaaner wife kept interjecting her thoughts and opinions. She and I butted heads about 9/11. She kept saying I’ve been brainwashed - I just wanted to smack her. She’s not even American, so I felt she didn’t have a right to argue, lol.
I’ve talked to Mr. Kuwema about transport but I have to stay another day in Rundu. I’ll be home by Thursday…Thank God.
Thursday, January 22 - Wednesday, January 28:
I finally arrived back at site today. I took all day to figure out transport and I wound up unloading a shit load of stuff into my flat at 8:30pm. My house was intact with a few new cobwebs here and there. I was exhausted but went and chatted with my neighbors a bit before heading to bed.
Friday was spent unpacking everything - donated stuff as well as my 10 Christmas packages! I am so blessed! I scored as well as my OVCs. I discovered that someone had cut our hose for the garden. It’s weird. They didn’t just steal the hose. They took a portion of it and now it’s not long enough to reach certain things. Sucks. My personal garden was a mess. Most everything has died and it was full of weeds. Guess my neighbor didn’t really want the R20 a week I had promised her. The big garden was in decent shape. The corn is growing well and so are the tomatoes and butternut squash. Yes, my initial reaction was…why isn’t it over flowing with bounty? Lol. But I’ve learned to appreciate the little things and make them huge!
I spent the weekend just cleaning my flat and organizing with a movie and a video game thrown in from time to time.
Monday I worked from my flat and I honestly can’t remember what I accomplished. Tuesday prepared for my OVCs. They were really excited for me to be back. I brought up the idea of breaking into 2 smaller groups - older and younger - and they jumped on it. This ultimately creates more work for me but it’s easier work. It was getting too difficult to find things to fit all the age ranges. I introduced the point system to them. It’s a way for them to earn points on behavior, grades, attendance, etc. that they can spend on school supplies and fun stuff. They LOVED the idea and LOVE seeing the chart on the wall with their names and the points they are collecting. We watched Charlotte’s Web and took it easy.
Today, I prepared for the first day of the older group. Once again my translator was very late but one of the kids took over and did it. Damien…he’s amazing! They created posters about ‘what I want my life to look like when I’m older’. They cut out pictures from magazines. It was great fun to watch them work. Many of the guys cut out pictures of hot cars and sexy white women, lol. The girls cut out pictures of nice clothes, attractive black men, pictures of families, etc. It’s funny…no matter where in the world you find yourself, those gender differences are apparent at such an early age.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Turkey and pick-pocketing. What more can one be thankful for!
Saturday, November 1 - Sunday, November 2:
Saturday was mainly spent recuperating…and I do mean recuperating. We had pancakes, ran some errands in town and then went to the Bavaria to go swimming. Swimming. In this heat…it was fantastic. Back at Mag’s Sarah and I made burgers, we watched some SNL skits about Sarah Padin (or Palin?) and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up long enough to transfer my body from there to Sarah’s tent outside.
Sunday, after sleeping in a bit, we all headed to the PC office and then some of us went grocery shopping while the other west Kavango-ites figured out how to get us home. Lindsey and Sarah roped us a bakki but that put us three guys in the back and I was already sunburned from the day before. So I lathered on the sunscreen and bundled up best I could so as not to have blisters by the time I arrived home. The trip was long and rough but we made it in one piece. Sarah and I spent the afternoon watching Weeds Season 4 while I waited for Efraim to pick me up for my final leg.
Around 5 he showed up and as I began carrying my crap to the car, I notice there is one of the cleaning ladies from the clinic with him. No big deal, just means I am riding in the back…no problem. Then, I notice the corpse in the back. Yes. Corpse. Dead person. Dead person wrapped in a sheet. Now…I don’t mention this to gross anyone out or because I freaked out in any way. The funny thing about this, was that it didn’t phase me at all. I mean, I just started putting my groceries in the back, in the spaces between the dead person and the sides of the truck. It didn’t even PHASE me. I was all set to climb in the back WITH the corpse and ride my hour home. It really stunned me that this was not bothering me on any level. Well, the only level it was affecting me on was I felt like I was being dis-respectful putting my feta cheese next to the foot of this dead person, lol. It ended up that I was cramming in front with the others, but…just the same…I was all set to ride in the back.
Monday, November 3 - Wednesday, November 5:
The last three days have been wonderfully busy. Monday we had our meeting and then in the afternoon, I got things ready for the next 2 days of garden training. Tuesday we had the first half of the training. I had told them that they were not getting lunch but that I would supply food for tea break. Now..if I haven’t stressed this yet…tea break tends to be a big deal in Namibia and what’s funny about it is that people who don’t even have food to eat, still take tea break.
I did not have the money or resources to make some big to do over it, so I bought bread and jam and jam and refridgerated some water. I figured sandwiches and ice cold ‘mema’ would be sufficient. Not 5 minutes after I handed out the food, one of the women complained about ‘not being satisfied’. I was SO irritated. I know I probably shouldn’t be, but it just hit me wrong. I kept my feelings to myself and apologized to her that that was all I had. Ironically, she is a member of UMYA and one of the people who complained about the food THEY had during THEIR training. I guess it’s just hard for me to understand how someone who doesn’t get to eat 3 times a day would complain about ANY food they receive. Is it just me or does that not make sense?
Tuesday afternoon I had my OVCs and we had a blast. I introduced some HIV education and they seemed to grasp it though I was worried they were a tad young. Although, Reino is 5 and when I asked about sex he knew that that’s what people did to get pregnant, lol.
Today we prepared seed beds in the garden and I was thankful it wasn’t that hot and there was a breeze. We didn’t plant as much as I thought we were going to and I am hoping that they go enough out of the training to keep going forward. I certainly don’t know anything about gardening. Tea break rolled around again and still…another issue. A lady showed up today just before we broke - she had not attended the training the day before. When I was passing out the sandwiches, she stepped up to receive one. I explained to her that she was not getting one because she has not been working in the garden today. It only made sense to me AND I was completely out of bread. She gave me the dirtiest look and walked away. One of the other ladies gave her half of hers. When we went back to plant and finish the day, she walked off. I guess she was stilled tee’d about the bread. Here’s my deal though…there tends to be an attitude in this culture of getting something for nothing. People don’t volunteer here unless they are getting paid for it. People don’t attend workshops unless they are being fed or get a t-shirt or certificate. No one - or MOST people - don’t do anything just to benefit themselves from the experience itself. So I really DIDN’T want to give this woman a sandwich just because she showed up at the time we were handing them out. That may make me a total asshole in some people’s minds but as far as the group of people I’m working with…I want them to learn responsibility. If you show up for meetings, if you help with events, if you do your share in the garden…you will be rewarded. However…you will NOT be rewarded just for being there. You must do the work. I’m sure I will hear more about this as the week progresses and have to deal with it, but I am standing my ground.
Thursday November 6 - Saturday, November 8 (around noon):
I thought I would journal early today because in the afternoon Sarah, Lindsey, Stephanie and Christine arrive for an AIDS Club event at the school so I’m sure I will busy until night. I had planned on taking it easy on Thursday but ended up filling the day with stuff that now I can’t remember. I worked in my garden a bit because the rain storm from the other night has wiped out a few of my beds. I have to admit, I should have done a more organized job in planting. I planted not marking rows or beds thinking it would just be a fun surprise to see what grows where after I forget what I put where. Lol - NOT a good idea. Big problem - you don’t know what’s a weed and what’s a vegetable. Some things are doing well - butternut squash, zucchini, peppers, but the rosemary hasn’t started at all and NONE of my tomatoes are going. I wonder if it’s because the seeds are from the states? I do have one decent tomato plant growing on my back porch that I decided to transplant in the ground because it was starting to droop. I pray it survives because it actually has small maters growing on it.
Friday I put up shelves in one of the treatment rooms to help the nurses stay more organized and then I worked in the pharmacy until lunch A guy stopped by who had been a part of a project idea earlier in the year that had fizzled out. He wondered what was going on with it. I was like…nothing. The guy that was doing it with him never got all the information back to me and then joined the military. He also wanted to talk about some problems at his school - he’s a teacher. It was nice to actually counsel someone. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and watching some Sopranos. In the evening I took my computer to Alex and Vicky’s house to watch a movie. They decided to see a scary one and it was hysterical watching ’30 Days of Night’ with them. It was more difficult to explain how there are places on the planet that experience that long of a night than it was to explain that vampires do not exist.
This morning I had breakfast, watered my garden and finished cleaning. At around 9:30, while I was playing a game on my computer, two girls showed up at my door with 2 marmosets (spelling?). There are small, monkeylike animals that live in trees. They brought them to give to me to raise as pets. I mean, come on…what am I supposed to do with these things? If they had brought me an actual monkey, I may consider keeping it, lol. But these things are so small and so fragile that there is no way.
Sunday, November 9 - Sunday, November 16:
This is the longest I’ve gone without journaling at least somewhat daily and there is no way my memory is going to allow me to relay every event of the past 7 days. Just know that it’s been an insecurity testing week, lol. Before I get to that, lets get through the usual stuff. Very few people showed up in the meeting on Monday to work in the garden and plan the next event, so we postponed the event and because the tools were locked in Fanuel’s office, we couldn’t work in the garden. My OVC group was fun and we watched a movie about the Serengeti. I released Mike and Ike back into the wild because after 5 days they still had not eaten - or had appeared not to have eaten - and it made me nervous. Because Lyambezi, Fanuel and Gideon were all gone this week there was literally nothing for me to do (one of them usually works as my translator) so I had planned on heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday. I woke up that day nauseous and headachy so I stayed in bed most of the day. I did get up Thursday and after waiting 3 ½ hour for a hike at the point, found myself at Sarah’s place.
The rest of the weekend was fun, partying with SnL and the rest of the west side 26ers - they leave for the states in 2 weeks. Watching them prepare to leave made me a little jealous and at the same time, I was aware of how fast my time is going here. I honestly cannot believe it’s been a year and that less than 6 months ago I was freaked out about loneliness and wanted to come home.
Now…about me being tested. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m a ‘comparer’. Well, this entire past year I’ve been jealous of Sarah because she had Scot and Lindsey to hang with as she adapted to her life in Nkurenkuru. Though Christine and Alex were here, we did not and still have not developed the sort of bond where I would consider either of them friends. That has done 2 things: 1. Caused me to feel more lonely than I necessarily needed to feel and 2. Forced me to be on my own and integrate more - which, yes, is a positive. See, we have also found out that another married couple is replacing SnL so now Sarah has 2 new people to hang with - though, to her credit, she is very integrated into her community. I was told that Mpungu was getting 1 teacher to replace Alex and I got very excited. I though, hopefully, finally, I will have someone to hang out with. Play cards with at night or on the weekends. Just a familiar person to chill with. I have since found out there is not going to be a new PCV out here.
I think this entire past year I kept telling myself that at least when the new group comes along, there will be someone here. Now that’s not the case. On top of that, my only ‘real’ friend outside of Sarah, has been Jeff - who is stationed in the Caprivi. He went home this week because of medical stuff. He’s not coming back. So all of that made me realize how much I’ve relied on Sarah to ‘be there for me’ - though, yes, I have been there for myself most of the time. You still need someone, some kind of support through this experience. In watching Sarah and them interact this past weekend, I realized again how jealous I was of her friendships but then I want to this stupid place where I started doubting her liking me as a friend. I started comparing myself to Scot, to Lindsey and they fun they all seem to have together. I forget there is a 15 year age difference between myself and all of them so hanging out and drinking all the time is not enjoyable to me. Of course I’m not going to bond on the same levels and why should I expect to. But I do expect to. My insecurities make me feel like a burden to Sarah. Now…I realize that she in NO way feels that way about me and enjoys my friendship with her as much as she does with me…but that little devil pokes his head up (and has all weekend).
Yes…I just need to get over it and realize I’m a great guy and people enjoy hanging out with me and being friends with me and all that hallmark shit…but years of being friendless in school make that a difficult thing to accept.
I joined Peace Corps because I wanted to be tested and I wanted to grow. I came with these pre-conceived ideas of how exactly that would take place. I thought I would grow because I have to cook all my meals or hike to get anywhere or master another language or deal with the heat and new culture, etc. What has surfaced is that all that growth I wanted to take place IS taking place, but in ways that are much more difficult than the physical challenges I’m facing in being here.
Monday, November 17 - Thursday, November 20 (morning):
Okay, I could sit here and type and relate the past few days events but instead, I just need to bitch. I need to whine and bitch and moan and play the victim and be a little baby. I have finally had it with my pathetic fellow volunteers in Mpungu and I wish to GOD I had just been put here alone - it would have been easier.
I’ve griped about Christine and Alex before - being non-inviting and warm and not doing anything to make me feel welcome here. Well yesterday, I had to walk to the school to print something out at Dinah and Johns (who I”ll talk about in a minute). When I was headed back to my house there was a learner at the door of their house and Alex was there, so I naturally said ‘hey Alex’. Nothing. No acknowledgement. No ‘hey’ back. NOTHING. I then stepped into the inspector’s office to ask about a fax and when I came out (directly across from their front door), Christine was standing there speaking with a learner - I kept waiting for her to look up (she had to have seen me), I waved, said hello, again, NOTHING. Now granted, she was talking to someone, but hell, so fucking what! Wouldn’t a normal person at least wave back or smile or something? Well I got nothing from neither of them and that’s exactly what I’ve gotten since I arrived. Nothing. It just seems strange to me. If the situation were reversed I would have gone out of my way to make them feel welcome and comforted.
So then there’s Dinah and John. Now, I should say that John is a great guy and always has a smile on his face - so I’m speaking more about Dinah. Yesterday, when I went to make the print, I took her some sour apple Jolly Ranchers cause I knew she liked them and she was appreciative. Once again though, when we were speaking about them going to Rundu the next day, she kept saying, ‘sorry we’re full’. ‘sorry’. That’s all I’ve heard from her since I’ve met them. There have only been a few times I’ve asked for a ride and they are always ‘full’. Now…this is just me being a little baby, I know…but I guess I just hoped that after meeting and getting to know me that they would extend the same kindness to me as they have with Christine and Alex. Those 2 ALWAYS have a ride. ALWAYS. Why? Because Dinah and John offer them the ride FIRST. Then, if they aren’t going or there is room left over, they offer the space to learners. Never ONCE have they called me or mentioned ahead of time that they are going to Rundu and would I like or need a ride. Okay..once they did mention they were going to Nkurenkuru and I snagged a ride to do some grocery shopping. Is it just me or wouldn’t you just automatically offer the ride to the other volunteer - knowing they have to hike and pay so much to get to the town? Wouldn’t it just come naturally? It would to me. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense - either that, or I am just a crying baby who never gets his way. I can’t decide which is worse.
So yesterday, I asked if they could take a document that I needed faxing to Rundu with them. I had received a VAST document from PC to sign and fax back but NONE of the few faxes available in Mpungu were sending outgoing faxes. So..no biggie right? Simple. Send a fax. So Dinah says, we are leaving at nine, why don’t you meet us out by the road and hand it to us. What’s shitty about this, is that the road is a good 10 minute walk from my flat and yet it’s only a 45 second drive from the main road. In the past, I have always met them out by the road (not wanting to inconvenience them) when I have a favor for them to do. Well, in that moment, I was just pissed off. Why would make someone work that extra hard to accomplish something when everything is so hard here anyways AND it’s NOTHING for you to make it easier. I suggested that she text me when they were leaving and I would meet them in front of the clinic.
Last night, the network went down and this morning it was off as well. Now…I know I could have been pro-active and walked out to the road but I had just had it! I went about my morning routine and shortly after 9, Dinah, looking all haggard showed up at my door. I said good-morning and thanks for coming - that because of the network I was worried we would miss one another. Her only response to me was ‘then why didn’t you meet us at the road. I’ll fax this for you’. No hello. No, it’s no problem. NOTHING. I’m just so fucking tired of being treated this way by people who you would expect to be a little more on the compassionate side. So where’s the lesson for me? What am I to learn from being stuck this past year with 3 of the most miserable volunteers one could imagine? Or am I being punished for something in a former life? What the hell.
I know where Dinah is concerned that she is just British and that is the part of her that I have issues with. I realize with Alex that he is insecure and not very social inept. I know with Christine that she is also not very secure and has a lot of doubts about what she has done in the Peace Corps and what she is going to do in the future. But seriously, we all are dealing with our shit all the time but is that a reason to behave in such a manner?
I SO want to just write off Dinah and John and not really have anything to do with them unless I have to. Problem is, I sort of rely on them to print things from time to time or to laminate stuff. So what do I do? Do I limit my contact with them to strictly work related stuff when necessary? Or do I put on a fake smile, continue to have Thursday dinners with them after Christine and Alex leave? Peace Corps is hard enough - why do people have to make it that much more difficult.
On top of all of that shit, I’ve had some cranial nerve pain shooting through the left side of my head for the past 5 days and because of no network, I cannot contact the PCMO. If it continues another day or so I’m going to have to see a doctor. I’ve never felt anything like this and am sort of concerned it might be something more serious.
Thursday, November 20 - Saturday, November 22:
The rest of Thursday was uneventful and I didn’t spend any time figuring out what my 1 hour presentation on Saturday was going to be. Friday came and went with me working in the pharmacy a bit in the morning and then chillin’ the rest of the day. I kept telling myself to prepare something for the next day but everytime I sat down to do so, I felt blocked and well, fairly un-inspired. I went to bed with the belief that the HIV awareness event was going to be a failure and that I would freeze up when speaking to the men’s group. I was proven wrong on both accounts.
First - have I mentioned that the network has been out since Monday? Yep. I cannot text, call or check email - haven’t been able to for 5 days now. I’m sure that has added to the mood I’m in. At the same time, after 5 days without it…it’s not really that big a deal.
So, I woke this morning, had breakfast, watered my garden and before I knew it, Fanuel showed up to help set up. We hauled all the stuff from my place, moved a table and started hanging signs. Slowly, some others of the group showed up. Before I knew it, we had a crowd at 9 and people were amped to play the condom box game. Esther didn’t show up so I decided to run it temporarily - which turned into me running it the entire day. It was a HUGE success. The whole day went off great. I kept trying not to go to that place of ‘where is everyone that is supposed to be here’ and instead, just focused on how the day was going. We even fit in a condom demonstration and femdon demo. By noon, we had raised 185 bucks which will make our next event that much greater!
We did have one snag that I still stuck in my craw. The one nurse, of the head nurses that is, that was on staff - refused to draw blood. I was livid. I went to speak to her and sure, I could have probably handled it more democratically, but here’s the scoop. It takes SO much effort to organize these events and even MORE so to get people to willingly be HIV tested. For her to turn them away because she claimed to be ‘too busy’ or ‘tired’ sends the WRONG message to the community. The WORST message to the community. I was FURIOUS!! I told her I was going to report her to the Ministry of Health! I am going to have to have a long talk with my supervisor when he returns. I don’t care if she likes me or not after this or if any of the nurses take it personally but you CANNOT refuse to take someone’s blood when they have finally decided to get HIV tested in a country where the stigma is so big! You just can’t.
Other than that, the day was a success and everyone during lunch talked about how much fun they had. I’m really hoping they get into these events because they can run them on their own AND it does wonders in reducing stigma.
I then had about 2 hours before speaking to the church. Joanna - my OVC assistant - came by to see if I had any wrapping paper for a gift. I said I didn’t but showed her how she could make her own with some of my markers, a glue stick and a piece of old newsprint paper. So while she was doing that (I’m telling you, you are never ‘off’ as a Peace Corps volunteer), I sat down to prepare for speaking at the church. I was unusually calm about it and not worried and even as I drew a blank about what to say, I decided to just ‘wing it’.
I arrived at the church early, waited for the current speaker to finish, then took the floor. I had to do everything via a translator and I used a video on my computer about HIV. The hour FLEW by! The audience was engaged, I was NEVER fearful or nervous…it was cake! I had the men talking about things that culturally you don’t speak of in public - it was great. I walked away feeling completely confident…I then went and bought myself a Fanta, lol. It’s funny how this week has been very ‘trying’ in regards to my emotions, sensitivity, insecurity, etc. and then I’m given a gift of success to remind me why I am here. Regardless of how some days may seem to be, I’m learning to accept that there is a reason for me to be in Mpungu and there is a reason why I need to do this on my own - without other volunteers around - hell without a phone! This is hard. But…I’m growing.
Sunday, November 23 - Tuesday, November 25 (early afternoon):
Sunday came and went. I worked on my Christmas video for most of the day, took a walk and then watched a movie with Ruben and Sandra, his girlfriend. Monday, we had a our meeting and I tried to make the point about the garden not being watered as it should be. It seemed to go well but when the meeting was over and time to actually work in the garden, no one was available. I made more copies of the slideshow and then 3 boys stopped by to watch a movie. I introduced them to The Matrix - which they loved - mostly all the karate stuff.
This morning I’ve been preparing for my OVC group and getting ready to head out on Wednesday. I ran into Sandra (Ruben’s girlfriend) on my way to see Lyambezi. After he and I talked and I showed him the garden, I mentioned something about Ruben and going with him to Rundu. He then told me that Sandra was here because she tried to commit suicide last night by drinking some type of animal medication. What the F? I told him that if she needed to talk to someone, to tell her I was available. Well…her brought her over about an hour later.
She told me all about their relationship and Ruben’s infidelity (which didn’t surprise me at all given the mentality of most men in this country). I listened and offered some words of comfort and suggestions on how to move forward and she left feeling - or at least saying that she was feeling - better. This will certainly make the trip to Rundu with Ruben interesting.
Wednesday, November 26 - Sunday, November 30:
Yesterday, my OVC group was great as usual. We made piggy banks/keep sake containers out of old pill bottles I’d been saving from the pharmacy and then watched a movie about Antarctica. I could tell some of them were bored during the film, but they will remember what they saw whether they understood it at the time or not.
Wednesday morning Ruben stopped by to talk about his girlfriend, NOT knowing she had come by the day before to speak to me. I told him much of what I had said to her and that I would be happy to mediate for them if they were interested. We then decided to head to Rundu early and took off around 9. He had a lot of stops to make along the way so I reached town around 12:30.
Rach was off school so we went to lunch and mapped out the rest of the day. Over the next few days Jill, Ashley, Jessica, Thea, Griffin, Kaitlin, Juice, The Voice, Sarah and Steph made their way to Rundu for the big Thanksgiving bash scheduled for Saturday. It’s always great hanging out with the PCVs I don’t get to see that often and swapping stories. We went out on Wednesday for Rach’s b-day to the Kavango River Lodge. It has a great sunset view of the river and though it was cloudy we enjoyed the evening.
Thanksgiving day more showed up as the 26ers piled into Rundu for the last time. They all COS next week and so this is their farewell party as well as Thanksgiving celebration. Also, Joe, a PC Botswana volunteer that I had met on facebook came. It was nice to hang out with another gay PCV though I do have to say that he and I personality wise are very different. I’ve struggled with my own self-acceptance of my sexuality for years and have pretty much come to terms with it. I wish I just didn’t feel so uncomfortable around more effeminate men. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. It didn’t help that on top of that being his ‘personality’ that he as he drank, he became kind of a snobby bitch. THAT is something I cannot stand and I found myself apologizing to my friends about having invited him.
I ran errands throughout the few week days I was here in Rundu, having meetings - discovered all my trees for my orchard project are ready - I now just have to figure out transport to the village. Maggie had brought over her projector so we watched a lot of movies, SWAPPED a lot of movies and music - typical PC gathering.
Saturday we got up early and started cooking. I was in charge of 2 pumpkin cheesecakes. I did pretty well. We made them with yogurt instead of cream cheese (cause it doesn’t exist here) and I made the crusts our of double chocolate rusks (sort of like biscotti) and that was also a success. When we all converged on the Bavaria it was amazing. SO much food and 5 generations of volunteers. OH, I forgot to mention that that newbies (5 of them) were also here from site visit. It was exactly the scenario I was in 1 year ago. It was interesting to watch their faces and see the confusion, doubt, fear, etc. - all the things I was feeling last year. It showed me how far I’d come and I was also excited for them for what lie ahead.
Last night, after dinner, around 10:30 pm, we headed to the Gazza concert. Gazza is one of the biggest Namibian artists - sort of what 50 cent or Snoop Dogg would be to us in the states. I was excited yet nervous because in crowds of drunken Namibians anything can happen. While standing in line to get in Jill was pickpocketed and lost her ticket and Chris had his phone stolen - all in a matter of 2 minutes. I had taken NOTHING with me on purpose. Once inside and in the ‘real’ crowd, I was pickpocketed 3x. All three times I felt it and reached into my pants, grabbed the persons hand and told them to F-off and keep their hands out of my pants. It was encouraging cause it showed me how much I’ve integrated, lol. If I can stand my ground like that. It’s funny how people are though cause each time I caught them, they then looked at me like ‘what are you doing? Don’t touch me!’. No ‘I’m caught’ look or ‘sorry’. They seemed pissed off at me for noticing.
It’s interesting because for PCVs the experience is very tough and hard and yet rewarding and yet there are situations where you lose faith in the very people you are here to help. The whole thing is very emotional. It’s just like when people complain about the food you provide for them when otherwise they wouldn’t be eating anything. It’s why I prefer to work with kids because they are just SO appreciative of ANYTHING you do for them.
I forgot to mention a similar situation at OK foods the day before. I had been waiting in line for chips, along with about 6 other people, and as they were coming up a man walked up behind me, complaining about things taking so long and reached over my shoulder and grabbed them out of the woman’s hands as she was handing them to me. I wasn’t about to stand for it. I grabbed his hands and in very fluent Rukwangali explained to him that I had been waiting and those belonged to me. Again, he just looked at me like ‘what are you doing?’. We exchanged words for a minute before his friend took the chips out of his hand and gave them to me and I walked away. I know there is a lot of angst towards white people in this country and I get it. I really do. I guess what I am supposed to walk away from the experience with is an understand of what most black people have gone through in history. Feeling overlooked. Feeling like a ‘thing’. There are many times where I feel just like that and have to work through those emotions on my own. I cannot imagine how one would be emotionally and psychologically if they’d experience that their entire lives. I know that’s where all the behavior stems from. It just makes our work as volunteers that much more difficult.
Saturday was mainly spent recuperating…and I do mean recuperating. We had pancakes, ran some errands in town and then went to the Bavaria to go swimming. Swimming. In this heat…it was fantastic. Back at Mag’s Sarah and I made burgers, we watched some SNL skits about Sarah Padin (or Palin?) and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up long enough to transfer my body from there to Sarah’s tent outside.
Sunday, after sleeping in a bit, we all headed to the PC office and then some of us went grocery shopping while the other west Kavango-ites figured out how to get us home. Lindsey and Sarah roped us a bakki but that put us three guys in the back and I was already sunburned from the day before. So I lathered on the sunscreen and bundled up best I could so as not to have blisters by the time I arrived home. The trip was long and rough but we made it in one piece. Sarah and I spent the afternoon watching Weeds Season 4 while I waited for Efraim to pick me up for my final leg.
Around 5 he showed up and as I began carrying my crap to the car, I notice there is one of the cleaning ladies from the clinic with him. No big deal, just means I am riding in the back…no problem. Then, I notice the corpse in the back. Yes. Corpse. Dead person. Dead person wrapped in a sheet. Now…I don’t mention this to gross anyone out or because I freaked out in any way. The funny thing about this, was that it didn’t phase me at all. I mean, I just started putting my groceries in the back, in the spaces between the dead person and the sides of the truck. It didn’t even PHASE me. I was all set to climb in the back WITH the corpse and ride my hour home. It really stunned me that this was not bothering me on any level. Well, the only level it was affecting me on was I felt like I was being dis-respectful putting my feta cheese next to the foot of this dead person, lol. It ended up that I was cramming in front with the others, but…just the same…I was all set to ride in the back.
Monday, November 3 - Wednesday, November 5:
The last three days have been wonderfully busy. Monday we had our meeting and then in the afternoon, I got things ready for the next 2 days of garden training. Tuesday we had the first half of the training. I had told them that they were not getting lunch but that I would supply food for tea break. Now..if I haven’t stressed this yet…tea break tends to be a big deal in Namibia and what’s funny about it is that people who don’t even have food to eat, still take tea break.
I did not have the money or resources to make some big to do over it, so I bought bread and jam and jam and refridgerated some water. I figured sandwiches and ice cold ‘mema’ would be sufficient. Not 5 minutes after I handed out the food, one of the women complained about ‘not being satisfied’. I was SO irritated. I know I probably shouldn’t be, but it just hit me wrong. I kept my feelings to myself and apologized to her that that was all I had. Ironically, she is a member of UMYA and one of the people who complained about the food THEY had during THEIR training. I guess it’s just hard for me to understand how someone who doesn’t get to eat 3 times a day would complain about ANY food they receive. Is it just me or does that not make sense?
Tuesday afternoon I had my OVCs and we had a blast. I introduced some HIV education and they seemed to grasp it though I was worried they were a tad young. Although, Reino is 5 and when I asked about sex he knew that that’s what people did to get pregnant, lol.
Today we prepared seed beds in the garden and I was thankful it wasn’t that hot and there was a breeze. We didn’t plant as much as I thought we were going to and I am hoping that they go enough out of the training to keep going forward. I certainly don’t know anything about gardening. Tea break rolled around again and still…another issue. A lady showed up today just before we broke - she had not attended the training the day before. When I was passing out the sandwiches, she stepped up to receive one. I explained to her that she was not getting one because she has not been working in the garden today. It only made sense to me AND I was completely out of bread. She gave me the dirtiest look and walked away. One of the other ladies gave her half of hers. When we went back to plant and finish the day, she walked off. I guess she was stilled tee’d about the bread. Here’s my deal though…there tends to be an attitude in this culture of getting something for nothing. People don’t volunteer here unless they are getting paid for it. People don’t attend workshops unless they are being fed or get a t-shirt or certificate. No one - or MOST people - don’t do anything just to benefit themselves from the experience itself. So I really DIDN’T want to give this woman a sandwich just because she showed up at the time we were handing them out. That may make me a total asshole in some people’s minds but as far as the group of people I’m working with…I want them to learn responsibility. If you show up for meetings, if you help with events, if you do your share in the garden…you will be rewarded. However…you will NOT be rewarded just for being there. You must do the work. I’m sure I will hear more about this as the week progresses and have to deal with it, but I am standing my ground.
Thursday November 6 - Saturday, November 8 (around noon):
I thought I would journal early today because in the afternoon Sarah, Lindsey, Stephanie and Christine arrive for an AIDS Club event at the school so I’m sure I will busy until night. I had planned on taking it easy on Thursday but ended up filling the day with stuff that now I can’t remember. I worked in my garden a bit because the rain storm from the other night has wiped out a few of my beds. I have to admit, I should have done a more organized job in planting. I planted not marking rows or beds thinking it would just be a fun surprise to see what grows where after I forget what I put where. Lol - NOT a good idea. Big problem - you don’t know what’s a weed and what’s a vegetable. Some things are doing well - butternut squash, zucchini, peppers, but the rosemary hasn’t started at all and NONE of my tomatoes are going. I wonder if it’s because the seeds are from the states? I do have one decent tomato plant growing on my back porch that I decided to transplant in the ground because it was starting to droop. I pray it survives because it actually has small maters growing on it.
Friday I put up shelves in one of the treatment rooms to help the nurses stay more organized and then I worked in the pharmacy until lunch A guy stopped by who had been a part of a project idea earlier in the year that had fizzled out. He wondered what was going on with it. I was like…nothing. The guy that was doing it with him never got all the information back to me and then joined the military. He also wanted to talk about some problems at his school - he’s a teacher. It was nice to actually counsel someone. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and watching some Sopranos. In the evening I took my computer to Alex and Vicky’s house to watch a movie. They decided to see a scary one and it was hysterical watching ’30 Days of Night’ with them. It was more difficult to explain how there are places on the planet that experience that long of a night than it was to explain that vampires do not exist.
This morning I had breakfast, watered my garden and finished cleaning. At around 9:30, while I was playing a game on my computer, two girls showed up at my door with 2 marmosets (spelling?). There are small, monkeylike animals that live in trees. They brought them to give to me to raise as pets. I mean, come on…what am I supposed to do with these things? If they had brought me an actual monkey, I may consider keeping it, lol. But these things are so small and so fragile that there is no way.
Sunday, November 9 - Sunday, November 16:
This is the longest I’ve gone without journaling at least somewhat daily and there is no way my memory is going to allow me to relay every event of the past 7 days. Just know that it’s been an insecurity testing week, lol. Before I get to that, lets get through the usual stuff. Very few people showed up in the meeting on Monday to work in the garden and plan the next event, so we postponed the event and because the tools were locked in Fanuel’s office, we couldn’t work in the garden. My OVC group was fun and we watched a movie about the Serengeti. I released Mike and Ike back into the wild because after 5 days they still had not eaten - or had appeared not to have eaten - and it made me nervous. Because Lyambezi, Fanuel and Gideon were all gone this week there was literally nothing for me to do (one of them usually works as my translator) so I had planned on heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday. I woke up that day nauseous and headachy so I stayed in bed most of the day. I did get up Thursday and after waiting 3 ½ hour for a hike at the point, found myself at Sarah’s place.
The rest of the weekend was fun, partying with SnL and the rest of the west side 26ers - they leave for the states in 2 weeks. Watching them prepare to leave made me a little jealous and at the same time, I was aware of how fast my time is going here. I honestly cannot believe it’s been a year and that less than 6 months ago I was freaked out about loneliness and wanted to come home.
Now…about me being tested. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m a ‘comparer’. Well, this entire past year I’ve been jealous of Sarah because she had Scot and Lindsey to hang with as she adapted to her life in Nkurenkuru. Though Christine and Alex were here, we did not and still have not developed the sort of bond where I would consider either of them friends. That has done 2 things: 1. Caused me to feel more lonely than I necessarily needed to feel and 2. Forced me to be on my own and integrate more - which, yes, is a positive. See, we have also found out that another married couple is replacing SnL so now Sarah has 2 new people to hang with - though, to her credit, she is very integrated into her community. I was told that Mpungu was getting 1 teacher to replace Alex and I got very excited. I though, hopefully, finally, I will have someone to hang out with. Play cards with at night or on the weekends. Just a familiar person to chill with. I have since found out there is not going to be a new PCV out here.
I think this entire past year I kept telling myself that at least when the new group comes along, there will be someone here. Now that’s not the case. On top of that, my only ‘real’ friend outside of Sarah, has been Jeff - who is stationed in the Caprivi. He went home this week because of medical stuff. He’s not coming back. So all of that made me realize how much I’ve relied on Sarah to ‘be there for me’ - though, yes, I have been there for myself most of the time. You still need someone, some kind of support through this experience. In watching Sarah and them interact this past weekend, I realized again how jealous I was of her friendships but then I want to this stupid place where I started doubting her liking me as a friend. I started comparing myself to Scot, to Lindsey and they fun they all seem to have together. I forget there is a 15 year age difference between myself and all of them so hanging out and drinking all the time is not enjoyable to me. Of course I’m not going to bond on the same levels and why should I expect to. But I do expect to. My insecurities make me feel like a burden to Sarah. Now…I realize that she in NO way feels that way about me and enjoys my friendship with her as much as she does with me…but that little devil pokes his head up (and has all weekend).
Yes…I just need to get over it and realize I’m a great guy and people enjoy hanging out with me and being friends with me and all that hallmark shit…but years of being friendless in school make that a difficult thing to accept.
I joined Peace Corps because I wanted to be tested and I wanted to grow. I came with these pre-conceived ideas of how exactly that would take place. I thought I would grow because I have to cook all my meals or hike to get anywhere or master another language or deal with the heat and new culture, etc. What has surfaced is that all that growth I wanted to take place IS taking place, but in ways that are much more difficult than the physical challenges I’m facing in being here.
Monday, November 17 - Thursday, November 20 (morning):
Okay, I could sit here and type and relate the past few days events but instead, I just need to bitch. I need to whine and bitch and moan and play the victim and be a little baby. I have finally had it with my pathetic fellow volunteers in Mpungu and I wish to GOD I had just been put here alone - it would have been easier.
I’ve griped about Christine and Alex before - being non-inviting and warm and not doing anything to make me feel welcome here. Well yesterday, I had to walk to the school to print something out at Dinah and Johns (who I”ll talk about in a minute). When I was headed back to my house there was a learner at the door of their house and Alex was there, so I naturally said ‘hey Alex’. Nothing. No acknowledgement. No ‘hey’ back. NOTHING. I then stepped into the inspector’s office to ask about a fax and when I came out (directly across from their front door), Christine was standing there speaking with a learner - I kept waiting for her to look up (she had to have seen me), I waved, said hello, again, NOTHING. Now granted, she was talking to someone, but hell, so fucking what! Wouldn’t a normal person at least wave back or smile or something? Well I got nothing from neither of them and that’s exactly what I’ve gotten since I arrived. Nothing. It just seems strange to me. If the situation were reversed I would have gone out of my way to make them feel welcome and comforted.
So then there’s Dinah and John. Now, I should say that John is a great guy and always has a smile on his face - so I’m speaking more about Dinah. Yesterday, when I went to make the print, I took her some sour apple Jolly Ranchers cause I knew she liked them and she was appreciative. Once again though, when we were speaking about them going to Rundu the next day, she kept saying, ‘sorry we’re full’. ‘sorry’. That’s all I’ve heard from her since I’ve met them. There have only been a few times I’ve asked for a ride and they are always ‘full’. Now…this is just me being a little baby, I know…but I guess I just hoped that after meeting and getting to know me that they would extend the same kindness to me as they have with Christine and Alex. Those 2 ALWAYS have a ride. ALWAYS. Why? Because Dinah and John offer them the ride FIRST. Then, if they aren’t going or there is room left over, they offer the space to learners. Never ONCE have they called me or mentioned ahead of time that they are going to Rundu and would I like or need a ride. Okay..once they did mention they were going to Nkurenkuru and I snagged a ride to do some grocery shopping. Is it just me or wouldn’t you just automatically offer the ride to the other volunteer - knowing they have to hike and pay so much to get to the town? Wouldn’t it just come naturally? It would to me. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense - either that, or I am just a crying baby who never gets his way. I can’t decide which is worse.
So yesterday, I asked if they could take a document that I needed faxing to Rundu with them. I had received a VAST document from PC to sign and fax back but NONE of the few faxes available in Mpungu were sending outgoing faxes. So..no biggie right? Simple. Send a fax. So Dinah says, we are leaving at nine, why don’t you meet us out by the road and hand it to us. What’s shitty about this, is that the road is a good 10 minute walk from my flat and yet it’s only a 45 second drive from the main road. In the past, I have always met them out by the road (not wanting to inconvenience them) when I have a favor for them to do. Well, in that moment, I was just pissed off. Why would make someone work that extra hard to accomplish something when everything is so hard here anyways AND it’s NOTHING for you to make it easier. I suggested that she text me when they were leaving and I would meet them in front of the clinic.
Last night, the network went down and this morning it was off as well. Now…I know I could have been pro-active and walked out to the road but I had just had it! I went about my morning routine and shortly after 9, Dinah, looking all haggard showed up at my door. I said good-morning and thanks for coming - that because of the network I was worried we would miss one another. Her only response to me was ‘then why didn’t you meet us at the road. I’ll fax this for you’. No hello. No, it’s no problem. NOTHING. I’m just so fucking tired of being treated this way by people who you would expect to be a little more on the compassionate side. So where’s the lesson for me? What am I to learn from being stuck this past year with 3 of the most miserable volunteers one could imagine? Or am I being punished for something in a former life? What the hell.
I know where Dinah is concerned that she is just British and that is the part of her that I have issues with. I realize with Alex that he is insecure and not very social inept. I know with Christine that she is also not very secure and has a lot of doubts about what she has done in the Peace Corps and what she is going to do in the future. But seriously, we all are dealing with our shit all the time but is that a reason to behave in such a manner?
I SO want to just write off Dinah and John and not really have anything to do with them unless I have to. Problem is, I sort of rely on them to print things from time to time or to laminate stuff. So what do I do? Do I limit my contact with them to strictly work related stuff when necessary? Or do I put on a fake smile, continue to have Thursday dinners with them after Christine and Alex leave? Peace Corps is hard enough - why do people have to make it that much more difficult.
On top of all of that shit, I’ve had some cranial nerve pain shooting through the left side of my head for the past 5 days and because of no network, I cannot contact the PCMO. If it continues another day or so I’m going to have to see a doctor. I’ve never felt anything like this and am sort of concerned it might be something more serious.
Thursday, November 20 - Saturday, November 22:
The rest of Thursday was uneventful and I didn’t spend any time figuring out what my 1 hour presentation on Saturday was going to be. Friday came and went with me working in the pharmacy a bit in the morning and then chillin’ the rest of the day. I kept telling myself to prepare something for the next day but everytime I sat down to do so, I felt blocked and well, fairly un-inspired. I went to bed with the belief that the HIV awareness event was going to be a failure and that I would freeze up when speaking to the men’s group. I was proven wrong on both accounts.
First - have I mentioned that the network has been out since Monday? Yep. I cannot text, call or check email - haven’t been able to for 5 days now. I’m sure that has added to the mood I’m in. At the same time, after 5 days without it…it’s not really that big a deal.
So, I woke this morning, had breakfast, watered my garden and before I knew it, Fanuel showed up to help set up. We hauled all the stuff from my place, moved a table and started hanging signs. Slowly, some others of the group showed up. Before I knew it, we had a crowd at 9 and people were amped to play the condom box game. Esther didn’t show up so I decided to run it temporarily - which turned into me running it the entire day. It was a HUGE success. The whole day went off great. I kept trying not to go to that place of ‘where is everyone that is supposed to be here’ and instead, just focused on how the day was going. We even fit in a condom demonstration and femdon demo. By noon, we had raised 185 bucks which will make our next event that much greater!
We did have one snag that I still stuck in my craw. The one nurse, of the head nurses that is, that was on staff - refused to draw blood. I was livid. I went to speak to her and sure, I could have probably handled it more democratically, but here’s the scoop. It takes SO much effort to organize these events and even MORE so to get people to willingly be HIV tested. For her to turn them away because she claimed to be ‘too busy’ or ‘tired’ sends the WRONG message to the community. The WORST message to the community. I was FURIOUS!! I told her I was going to report her to the Ministry of Health! I am going to have to have a long talk with my supervisor when he returns. I don’t care if she likes me or not after this or if any of the nurses take it personally but you CANNOT refuse to take someone’s blood when they have finally decided to get HIV tested in a country where the stigma is so big! You just can’t.
Other than that, the day was a success and everyone during lunch talked about how much fun they had. I’m really hoping they get into these events because they can run them on their own AND it does wonders in reducing stigma.
I then had about 2 hours before speaking to the church. Joanna - my OVC assistant - came by to see if I had any wrapping paper for a gift. I said I didn’t but showed her how she could make her own with some of my markers, a glue stick and a piece of old newsprint paper. So while she was doing that (I’m telling you, you are never ‘off’ as a Peace Corps volunteer), I sat down to prepare for speaking at the church. I was unusually calm about it and not worried and even as I drew a blank about what to say, I decided to just ‘wing it’.
I arrived at the church early, waited for the current speaker to finish, then took the floor. I had to do everything via a translator and I used a video on my computer about HIV. The hour FLEW by! The audience was engaged, I was NEVER fearful or nervous…it was cake! I had the men talking about things that culturally you don’t speak of in public - it was great. I walked away feeling completely confident…I then went and bought myself a Fanta, lol. It’s funny how this week has been very ‘trying’ in regards to my emotions, sensitivity, insecurity, etc. and then I’m given a gift of success to remind me why I am here. Regardless of how some days may seem to be, I’m learning to accept that there is a reason for me to be in Mpungu and there is a reason why I need to do this on my own - without other volunteers around - hell without a phone! This is hard. But…I’m growing.
Sunday, November 23 - Tuesday, November 25 (early afternoon):
Sunday came and went. I worked on my Christmas video for most of the day, took a walk and then watched a movie with Ruben and Sandra, his girlfriend. Monday, we had a our meeting and I tried to make the point about the garden not being watered as it should be. It seemed to go well but when the meeting was over and time to actually work in the garden, no one was available. I made more copies of the slideshow and then 3 boys stopped by to watch a movie. I introduced them to The Matrix - which they loved - mostly all the karate stuff.
This morning I’ve been preparing for my OVC group and getting ready to head out on Wednesday. I ran into Sandra (Ruben’s girlfriend) on my way to see Lyambezi. After he and I talked and I showed him the garden, I mentioned something about Ruben and going with him to Rundu. He then told me that Sandra was here because she tried to commit suicide last night by drinking some type of animal medication. What the F? I told him that if she needed to talk to someone, to tell her I was available. Well…her brought her over about an hour later.
She told me all about their relationship and Ruben’s infidelity (which didn’t surprise me at all given the mentality of most men in this country). I listened and offered some words of comfort and suggestions on how to move forward and she left feeling - or at least saying that she was feeling - better. This will certainly make the trip to Rundu with Ruben interesting.
Wednesday, November 26 - Sunday, November 30:
Yesterday, my OVC group was great as usual. We made piggy banks/keep sake containers out of old pill bottles I’d been saving from the pharmacy and then watched a movie about Antarctica. I could tell some of them were bored during the film, but they will remember what they saw whether they understood it at the time or not.
Wednesday morning Ruben stopped by to talk about his girlfriend, NOT knowing she had come by the day before to speak to me. I told him much of what I had said to her and that I would be happy to mediate for them if they were interested. We then decided to head to Rundu early and took off around 9. He had a lot of stops to make along the way so I reached town around 12:30.
Rach was off school so we went to lunch and mapped out the rest of the day. Over the next few days Jill, Ashley, Jessica, Thea, Griffin, Kaitlin, Juice, The Voice, Sarah and Steph made their way to Rundu for the big Thanksgiving bash scheduled for Saturday. It’s always great hanging out with the PCVs I don’t get to see that often and swapping stories. We went out on Wednesday for Rach’s b-day to the Kavango River Lodge. It has a great sunset view of the river and though it was cloudy we enjoyed the evening.
Thanksgiving day more showed up as the 26ers piled into Rundu for the last time. They all COS next week and so this is their farewell party as well as Thanksgiving celebration. Also, Joe, a PC Botswana volunteer that I had met on facebook came. It was nice to hang out with another gay PCV though I do have to say that he and I personality wise are very different. I’ve struggled with my own self-acceptance of my sexuality for years and have pretty much come to terms with it. I wish I just didn’t feel so uncomfortable around more effeminate men. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. It didn’t help that on top of that being his ‘personality’ that he as he drank, he became kind of a snobby bitch. THAT is something I cannot stand and I found myself apologizing to my friends about having invited him.
I ran errands throughout the few week days I was here in Rundu, having meetings - discovered all my trees for my orchard project are ready - I now just have to figure out transport to the village. Maggie had brought over her projector so we watched a lot of movies, SWAPPED a lot of movies and music - typical PC gathering.
Saturday we got up early and started cooking. I was in charge of 2 pumpkin cheesecakes. I did pretty well. We made them with yogurt instead of cream cheese (cause it doesn’t exist here) and I made the crusts our of double chocolate rusks (sort of like biscotti) and that was also a success. When we all converged on the Bavaria it was amazing. SO much food and 5 generations of volunteers. OH, I forgot to mention that that newbies (5 of them) were also here from site visit. It was exactly the scenario I was in 1 year ago. It was interesting to watch their faces and see the confusion, doubt, fear, etc. - all the things I was feeling last year. It showed me how far I’d come and I was also excited for them for what lie ahead.
Last night, after dinner, around 10:30 pm, we headed to the Gazza concert. Gazza is one of the biggest Namibian artists - sort of what 50 cent or Snoop Dogg would be to us in the states. I was excited yet nervous because in crowds of drunken Namibians anything can happen. While standing in line to get in Jill was pickpocketed and lost her ticket and Chris had his phone stolen - all in a matter of 2 minutes. I had taken NOTHING with me on purpose. Once inside and in the ‘real’ crowd, I was pickpocketed 3x. All three times I felt it and reached into my pants, grabbed the persons hand and told them to F-off and keep their hands out of my pants. It was encouraging cause it showed me how much I’ve integrated, lol. If I can stand my ground like that. It’s funny how people are though cause each time I caught them, they then looked at me like ‘what are you doing? Don’t touch me!’. No ‘I’m caught’ look or ‘sorry’. They seemed pissed off at me for noticing.
It’s interesting because for PCVs the experience is very tough and hard and yet rewarding and yet there are situations where you lose faith in the very people you are here to help. The whole thing is very emotional. It’s just like when people complain about the food you provide for them when otherwise they wouldn’t be eating anything. It’s why I prefer to work with kids because they are just SO appreciative of ANYTHING you do for them.
I forgot to mention a similar situation at OK foods the day before. I had been waiting in line for chips, along with about 6 other people, and as they were coming up a man walked up behind me, complaining about things taking so long and reached over my shoulder and grabbed them out of the woman’s hands as she was handing them to me. I wasn’t about to stand for it. I grabbed his hands and in very fluent Rukwangali explained to him that I had been waiting and those belonged to me. Again, he just looked at me like ‘what are you doing?’. We exchanged words for a minute before his friend took the chips out of his hand and gave them to me and I walked away. I know there is a lot of angst towards white people in this country and I get it. I really do. I guess what I am supposed to walk away from the experience with is an understand of what most black people have gone through in history. Feeling overlooked. Feeling like a ‘thing’. There are many times where I feel just like that and have to work through those emotions on my own. I cannot imagine how one would be emotionally and psychologically if they’d experience that their entire lives. I know that’s where all the behavior stems from. It just makes our work as volunteers that much more difficult.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Time Flies when you are living in a 3rd World country...
Thursday, October 2 - Sunday, October 5:
Thursday morning I went to school to finish the HIV education at the primary school along with Gideon, my friend from the HIV+ group. It went very well and he did an amazing job. The kids really LOVED him and asked a lot of questions. I then stopped by Mr. Anton’s office to schedule the garden training for early November.
I was supposed to be going to Nkurenkuru with Lyambezi in the afternoon but when I returned to the clinic I found he had already left and forgot me. Typical. I ended up getting a ride with the ambulance and getting there in the afternoon. I made pizzas for Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and we played some spades.
Friday, Rachel, Juice and Ash showed up and we caught up and hung out. It was great to see them. Saturday we took them around Nkurenkuru and ended up visiting Selma, the friend of Sarah’s who has a monkey. I got to feed him. It’s sad that he’s kept on a chain but it was still fun. In the afternoon we all headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for the braai. It was awesome to see so many of the other 26ers. They had slaughtered a large goat so there was plenty of it on the grill. All the locals that they had befriended since arriving. I met a couple of World Teach volunteers who are currently living in Nankudu. They are very cool and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Hanging out, dancing and socializing was great fun but I’ve realized that I’m still not very good in those type of settings. I’m much more of a 1 on 1 kind of person in a more intimate situation. When there is a lot of people, I sort of clam up and become a wall flower. It also made me realize that in our large group of volunteers, Sarah is the person I’ve bonded with the most and that I don’t feel ‘really’ close to most of the others. Sure, I consider them friends and enjoy their company. But nothing like I have in friendships back home. I wonder how much of that is me not being open and how much of it is not having a lot in common with some these guys. Do you really need to have that much in common to establish a friendship and/or bond? I sometimes think I just question things too much and don’t just go with the flow. I need to let go.
Today, Sarah and I hung out, watched movies and napped in all this heat. I made it back to site around 7, unpacked and got a phone call from my friend Doug. It was great to hear his voice and catch up. I have a busy week this week so I’m gonna call it an early night.
Monday, October 6 - Wednesday, October 8:
Monday’s meeting went well and everyone had great things to say about the event from the previous week. We brainstormed a bit about the next event and then planned for the garden training coming up in November. The rest of the day I spent organizing my desk which was a mess and then I thought Gideon was bringing Lulu over for his birthday, but the electricity went out so we cancelled.
Yesterday was my day with the young OVCs which was great. I had the create ‘All About Me’ books in which I am going to have them draw or write in every week - they then can take them home at the end of this school term. They were all very creative. We talked about why only the boys drew cars while the girls drew flowers and suns. I talked to them again about trust and the trust cycles we will be going through. There are a couple of kids that are sticking out that I am falling in love with.
Today I worked on some emails, finished organizing my desk, worked in the pharmacy a bit and now I’m getting ready for my secondary OVC group. Tomorrow I head to Rundu with a shitload of things to do, then Friday I’m off to Winhoek.
Thursday, October 9:
Today we took off early from Mpungu in order to get to Rundu and kill many birds with a single stone. Of course, we didn’t take off on time AND the driver stopped by and handled many of his errands along the way so we didn’t arrive until around noon. That sucked, because we were then all hungry and yet we had a lot to do before eating.
We did end up accomplishing a lot! We purchased all the garden equipment though it took trips to several hardware stores to do so. We also picked up the rest of the supplies for the sewing business and it was fun to see the excitement in Veronica’s eyes as she was able to pick out all the fabric she wanted. We stopped by the Ministry of Forestry to drop off the tree request, picked up my paper from the PC office, went to the bank to open an account which we weren’t able to do, have lunch and also take my friends Fanual and Veronica on their first escalator ride. It was great. They were hesitant because they had not seen anything like it. Once they ‘jumped’ on, they smiled the whole way up and back down. There were young kids playing on the escalators. It was cute because it’s probably the most fun and excitement they have ever had. I got really pissed when an Afrikaaner woman came out of her store and yelled at them. I wanted to smack her and tell her to leave them alone.
They took off in the afternoon so they could swing by Nkurenkuru and pick up the 4 bikes the groups there donated to us and I hung out with Chris and Rachel before heading to Patrick’s to sleep. I had forgotten both my phone charger AND my ear plugs and wondered how I was going to survive the next few days.
Friday, October 10 - Sunday, October 12:
I am now a firm believer in using a sign when hiking. Kami had talked about it and I had thought about it every time I hiked but this time I was prepared. I had a sign that said Peace Corps Volunteer. Chris and I waited no more than 20 minutes in Rundu to get a hike to Otjiwarongo. The hike was interesting - an Afrikaaner woman who was heading there to pick up her sister in law who was fresh out of drug rehab. Only to get a call 20k from the town to hear that she was now missing and had made the trip for nothing. Fortunately she took us the rest of the way there. We hugged her and told her it would be okay.
We grabbed some food at SuperSpar and within another 20 minutes, had our ride to Windhoek. Right to Game to say the least. We bought some things, walked to Jan Jonker to check in, took a shower, met up with some others and then headed to the mall. I had really hoped there was be a good movie playing that I could justify spending N$45 on, but there was naught. 2 young British volunteers who are friends with Katie in Aronos were also in the city and they cooked dinner for us. I can’t imagine being 18 and that far from home.
The next morning we got together to discuss who was taking over what responsibilities from the former VSN board. I was chosen (or elected myself I should say) to be in charge of PR. That means that I have to send the newbies an email in the states before they arrive, redo the current handbook and submit monthly columns to the ‘All Included’ newsletter. I can handle that. That night most of us went to Primi for Italian and I had a FROZEN MARGHERITTA!!! I haven’t had one of those since leaving the states. I also had a mojito. Damn.
There were things I needed to do that I kept missing out on because of mall hours so we decided to not start the next day until 11. I ran to the mall early and finished some errands. We then organized the training of VSN for the new group coming next month. It was fun and I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Brooke and Katie were amazing and I’m glad they have taken the positions of trainer and coordinator. We then went to SPURS for dinner and I had a hamburger and it was GOOD!
Monday, October 13 - Wednesday, October 15:
Well, I lost faith in the sign because it was the hiking day from hell. Chris had decided to pay for a combi because he needed to get back to site. I thought, what the hell, I’ll just hike on my own. I started hiking at 6:30 in the morning. I arrived in Rundu (700k away) just past 7pm. It was ridiculously hot and tiring and I was cursing PC under my breath. Thing is, I could have paid to hike as well, but was being a cheapskate. I thought I was going to be trapped in Otavi but at the last minute managed a hike with some people heading to Zambia.
Jehan was in Rundu at Molly’s so we all caught up and watched a bit of a movie, then I crashed. Or tried to anyways, it was so hot and I was without a fan.
I had some errands to do in Rundu the next day so after accomplishing those, I went to Engen for about 45 minutes before landing a hellashis hike to Nkurenkuru. It was in the back of a truck so there was the heat and the truck was falling apart and had no suspension so combine that with all the construction on the road and I was miserable. But I managed to laugh it off. After that long ride, I decided to just crash at Sarah and come home the next day.
This morning I caught a ride with Janne, the Finnish missionary all the way to my clinic. I unpacked, tried out the new hose on my plants, moved the bikes from Fanuel’s office to my house, finished the letter to the newbies, uploaded the pics from my camera, walked to the store for milk and eggs, made lunch and then dinner and have been watching Weeds, Season 4. I’m glad to be back at site and don’t want leave it for awhile. I did find out that Sarah’s parents are coming at the end of November so if the money for my theater equipment comes in on time, I can get them to transport it back to here for me. That would be perfect. Also, I’m 8 weeks from my big vacation!! I cannot wait!
Thursday, October 16:
LONG, ass day. But the best part didn’t happen til later. On the way back from dinner at the school I was confronted with the ghosts of Christmas, lol. First, I hear and then see a very newborn baby goat with its mother near by. I take the opportunity to stop and try to pet it only to discover there is something really wrong with it and as I pick it up, I then notice the shit and blood crusting out of its ass. I now have shit and blood on my t-shirt. There’s a second where I realize this goat is going to be some wild animal’s dinner tonight and wonder whether I should put it out of its misery. I chicken out.
Halfway home I notice something scurry across the road in front of me and as I direct my headlamp I confront a rather large spider. What’s funny about this is that at dinner, Dinah was describing a large, poisonous spider that she was saw in Rundu the week before. A very aggressive, poisonous spider. This one, matched her description.
I then, get back to the clinic to hear a girl screaming and many people hanging around. Typically, the clinic is dead this time of night. Come to find out, a girl was bitten by a snake. I worry every time I am out at night walking around that I will be bitten by a snake. Also, the barber from Nkurenkuru is here with his uncle who is going to have to stay a night at the clinic. He and his friend have no place to stay so I have offered them my spare bedroom. I instantly went to this place in my head of ‘I need to lock all my closet doors’. I hate the fact that I went there, but I did. So I came home and locked the doors just in case they come over.
Friday October, 17 - Tuesday, October 21:
Friday I did the usual by working in the pharmacy until around 1 and then cleaning up the house a bit before Sarah arrived. I LOVE having company out here. She came later in the afternoon so we walked to the tuck shop for some beers, made dinner and then chilled out for the night.
Saturday, we had planned on getting up early to go for a long bike ride but it didn’t happen. She’s been having problems sleeping and being out here without a fan didn’t help. We had breakfast, played cards and watched Weeds most of the day. Once it cooled off, we went for our ride. We made it all the way to Katope (about 11k away). We thought we would be blessed with some cool drinks but their one tuck shop was out and we weren’t smart enough to take water with us. We were dying. It started to rain a bit on the way home.
We stopped by the tuck shop in Mpungu, bought some water and more beers and headed home. We taught ourselves how to play Rook - which 1. I suck at and 2. I’m still not convinced is a decent game for just two people. We then settled in for some more weeds.
Sunday we chilled most of the day while she waited her ride back to site. The rest of the day I cleaned my house and worked on my garden. I am going to plant a new bed each night this week and hopefully Sakeus will have my fence done before things start coming up and the goats eat them.
Monday I had a GREAT meeting with the group. The majority of them showed up on time and we got a lot accomplished. I feel like they are really starting to come together and we can move forward with getting things done. We talked and planned the next HIV Awareness day, discussed the theater project and finalized plans for the garden. If everything goes well, we should have the garden started the first week of November and the theater equipment should be here by the end of that month. Yippee! The rest of the day I worked on some details for the event and talked to the pastor about using the church for the garden training.
Today I meant to spend the morning preparing for my OVC stuff, but ended up getting sidetracked by other things. Most of my OVCs were early today for some reason, so I let them come in and we talked a little about math while we waited for others to arrive. MANY showed up today and I had about 25 kids in my flat. We talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up and I had them draw it in their all about me books. Most wanted to be doctors, nurses or teachers but one kid wanted to be the president of the country. I was like, GO FOR IT KIDDO! I was happy to see someone have ambition above and beyond what most people dream for.
During our class we kept getting interrupted by the local kids wanting to use my squirt guns and then one of the men from the church stopped by and said they are starting a men’s group and they want me to be a part of it. Damn! I’m VERY excited about that, but more excited that they have asked me to join. They are asking an outsider, a white person, be a part of their group. It made my day.
Wednesday, October 22 - Friday, October 24:
Wednesday I spent the morning getting ready for my OVCs in the afternoon. Gideon and Lulu stopped by so he could charge his phone and they just stayed. I kep hinting at the fact that I needed to be working but they just sat there so I felt the need to entertain Lulu.
In the afternoon, only 1 kid showed up for the OVC and neither of my assistants. It was then that I made the decision to combine the groups into the one big one on Tuesdays. He seemed to understand so I really hope he comes next week. I used the rest of the day to work on some ideas for our next HIV Awareness event. Veronica and the landlord for their sewing business stopped by so we could draw up a lease. What should have taken 30 minutes, took close to 90.
Thursday, with nothing to do really, I decided to work in the pharmacy a bit. Before I made it there though, Veronica and Berta stopped by to create the price list for their business and to discuss some problems they were having with each other. Berta’s mother wants to move to Rundu for a month or two because of problems she is having with someone in the community and she wants Berta to go with her. So of course, Veronica feels abandoned and Berta doesn’t want to NOT be a part of the business. They reason I mention all of this is that in the midst of this, while Hellini and Saki (Veronica and Fanuel’s children were playing). Hellini just stood up and started peeing on my floor. No expression of surprise or guilt on her face. Just like she was coloring - that exact same amount of enthusiasm. The others were talking and no paying attention and so I was like, ‘Hellini! Siga! Hellini!’ but she just kept on creating a big puddle on the floor and the other’s didn’t notice. Finally Veronica did notice and tried to stop her but she kept on and then started walking in it and then around my house. I was sort of shocked and frozen - not knowing exactly what to do. I didn’t really have anything I could use to clean it up except a dish towel and I didn’t want to have to clean it later. I just said I didn’t have anything and so Veronica went to the clinic to borrow a mop.
The interesting thing about all of this is that there was no apology, no embarrassment, NOTHING on the part of Veronica or Fanuel. It was like her peeing on the floor was no different than carrying sand in on her feet. At first I was very taken aback by this…I mean, their child just pissed all over my floor! And then I started thinking about it. Why SHOULD either of them be embarrassed or apologetic. They had no control over her doing that…or did they? We, as Americas, get so bent out of shape when something extreme or uncomfortable happens and the first thing we do is look for someone to blame or someone to take responsibility. Why did I think it necessary that they apologize or feel badly for what happened? How does that affect me? Is it a form of control or feeling better than someone? I mean really…if they had been all “I’m so sorry, OMG, I’m so ebararssed’. I would have immediately told them it was okay and they should laugh about it, that’s it’s no big deal. So…if I really feel that way and MOST of us feel that way in similar situations, why IS there a need for the other person to grovel and feel weird? Seriously…why?
Saturday, October 25 - Tuesday, October 28:
This morning I went for a long bike ride and then worked in my garden, preparing beds. I then decided it was time to cut my hair. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me. I haven’t cut it since I left the states but it was time. Dinah and John were going to Nkurenkuru so I decided to join them for that and also get some groceries. When I returned, the nurses went on and on about my shaved head - so I guess it was a hit. Wapa usili!!
Later that day, I went up to play cards with them. It was a lot of fun. The best part was watching Dinah get drunk off wine and how it affected her playing. Sakeus stopped by there house and he said he’d be at mine tomorrow to finish my fence.
Sunday rolled around. Sakeus showed up to finish the fence and I made him pancakes. We then talked for a bit about this and that and I went about my day. I honestly can’t remember what I did.
Monday morning we had out meeting and once again I was happy that the majority of people showed up on time. We began discussing the garden and it led to some issues - more with UMYA members than anything. UMYA is the home-based health care group I helped organize training for back in June. Unfortunately Risto, the guy in charge of UMYA hasn’t done shit since and so none of them have clients or even their kits. I unfortunately had to tell them that until they get clients, they could not be a part of the garden. They seemed to understand okay. We also talked about our next event and scheduled it for Nov. 15.
We then walked down to see the sewing business. I discovered along the way that Berta has decided to leave for a few months which leaves the business completely up to Veronica. This really sucks because I have worked so hard to get this thing going for them and now it’s at a standstill once again. I suggested to both of them that they open up the business to include a group of ladies (which honestly is what I should have done in the first place) but they weren’t interested. I don’t know how Veronica is going to manage to open this place up with 2 kids in tow. It’s no wonder most things don’t turn out here - there is always something that gets in the way.
Esther, the woman who wanted to start the kindergarten was at the meeting and I hadn’t seen her in about a month. I asked her where she was with everything and she handed me her hand-written proposal. I was happy to see that we were still moving forward with this project. I told her to come back tomorrow (cause I was wiped out) and we would type up a formal proposal together.
Today I made preparations for the afternoon OVC program while I waited for Esther to arrive. She was late, but we were able to get everything done by lunch time. The kids showed up early - as they have been - and we got started promptly at 2:30. We meditated, played the name game (more for me to learn each of their name’s than them but 2 birds with one stone), we talked about stigma and I had them draw pictures of their homesteads in their ‘All About Me’ books. They then took turns talking about them. It was sort of amusing. Many of the kids who had initially told me that their mother or father had died, talked about how they lived with their mother and father. My initial reaction - control freak reaction - was to say ‘hey, this is an OVC program ONLY!’ you need to leave. But here’s the deal…what is a ‘vulnerable’ child anyways? Just because the definition by the Ministry of Gender states it’s a child who has lost a parent…aren’t all these kids vulnerable in some way? So fuck it! I’m going to keep doing this after school program for whomever shows up. Now, if it gets to the point where I have 200 kids coming…I may have to draw the line, lol.
Wednesday, October 29 - Friday, October 31:
Wednesday was one of those ‘I have absolutely NOTHING to do days’. So that’s pretty much how it went. Thursday there wasn’t much going on mainly because I was waiting on an afternoon ride to Nkurenkuru. I cleaned my place, cancelled dinner plans with the other volunteers and basically just hung out waiting - thinking that my super was going to be back around 2 or 3 and I would ride with the car on it’s return. 8:00 pm rolls around with still no car. I finally send a text to make sure they are still coming - already getting pissed that I have missed the opportunity to go there tonight AND it would cause me to miss my free ride to Rundu Friday morning with Janne. Lyambezi calls me back to inform me that the car got into an accident and they won’t be getting here until very late. Problem was, that Sarah was not home so I was crashing with Scot and Lindsey and they go to bed early because of school. It’s just funny to me how things happen here and there is so many obstacles one has to work around in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks.
Friday I got up VERY early and walked the 1k to the hike point thinking that MAYBE I could make it in time. For about 30 minutes I just sat there, no cars at all and then as luck would have it, Selma - a friend of Sarah’s, stopped. She was on her way back to Nkurenkuru from her farm. Not only did I make it in time to catch Janne but it was free AND I saw the most beautiful sunrise of this season. It was a big lesson in not getting bent out of shape - that things always seem to work out the way they were supposed to.
Upon arrival in Rundu, I had a plethora of things to do and I set about accomplishing them before dark. I bought elbow brackets at the hardware store, went to the bank, stopped by Nawa Life and the Forestry Department, bought Tengo, had lunch, printed out many documents at the office, bought laminating sheets for birth certificates and a potato masher, lol. All in all, a very productive day.
I met up with Sarah and everyone later at the office to go buy booze for the evenings festivities. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, today marked one year ago I we left the states. One year. Damn…I realize there have been times where the days seem as though they were dragging on but I have to say that this past year has just WHIZZED by my face.
Everyone converged at Maggies, put on their Halloween costumes and began to enjoy the evening. Sarah and I went as Scot and Lindsey - our favorite Nam26er couple. Skyla was a dust bunny, Ben a wrestler, Lindsey went as Sarah Palin and Scot as Joe the Plumber, Rach was Dwight from the Office, Juice went as Maggie B, Maggie N. was a deviled egg, Christine and Alex were characters from some story I was not privy too, Cedar and Carrie went as traditional Himba women, the voice was a ninja and Lisa was a monk. I thought all the costumes were very creative given the fact that we don’t have a Capel’s or one of those temporary stores that pop up around this time. In fact, they don’t celebrate Halloween here at all. I has been quite interesting to try and explain it to Namibians. They can’t wrap their mind around the fact that children go door to door saying ‘trick or treat’ and people give them things for doing that. They all want to know WHAT ELSE the children have to work at to receive the sweets, lol. Overall, the night was fantastic, I drank too much and went to bed. A good way to put an end to my first year.
Thursday morning I went to school to finish the HIV education at the primary school along with Gideon, my friend from the HIV+ group. It went very well and he did an amazing job. The kids really LOVED him and asked a lot of questions. I then stopped by Mr. Anton’s office to schedule the garden training for early November.
I was supposed to be going to Nkurenkuru with Lyambezi in the afternoon but when I returned to the clinic I found he had already left and forgot me. Typical. I ended up getting a ride with the ambulance and getting there in the afternoon. I made pizzas for Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and we played some spades.
Friday, Rachel, Juice and Ash showed up and we caught up and hung out. It was great to see them. Saturday we took them around Nkurenkuru and ended up visiting Selma, the friend of Sarah’s who has a monkey. I got to feed him. It’s sad that he’s kept on a chain but it was still fun. In the afternoon we all headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for the braai. It was awesome to see so many of the other 26ers. They had slaughtered a large goat so there was plenty of it on the grill. All the locals that they had befriended since arriving. I met a couple of World Teach volunteers who are currently living in Nankudu. They are very cool and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Hanging out, dancing and socializing was great fun but I’ve realized that I’m still not very good in those type of settings. I’m much more of a 1 on 1 kind of person in a more intimate situation. When there is a lot of people, I sort of clam up and become a wall flower. It also made me realize that in our large group of volunteers, Sarah is the person I’ve bonded with the most and that I don’t feel ‘really’ close to most of the others. Sure, I consider them friends and enjoy their company. But nothing like I have in friendships back home. I wonder how much of that is me not being open and how much of it is not having a lot in common with some these guys. Do you really need to have that much in common to establish a friendship and/or bond? I sometimes think I just question things too much and don’t just go with the flow. I need to let go.
Today, Sarah and I hung out, watched movies and napped in all this heat. I made it back to site around 7, unpacked and got a phone call from my friend Doug. It was great to hear his voice and catch up. I have a busy week this week so I’m gonna call it an early night.
Monday, October 6 - Wednesday, October 8:
Monday’s meeting went well and everyone had great things to say about the event from the previous week. We brainstormed a bit about the next event and then planned for the garden training coming up in November. The rest of the day I spent organizing my desk which was a mess and then I thought Gideon was bringing Lulu over for his birthday, but the electricity went out so we cancelled.
Yesterday was my day with the young OVCs which was great. I had the create ‘All About Me’ books in which I am going to have them draw or write in every week - they then can take them home at the end of this school term. They were all very creative. We talked about why only the boys drew cars while the girls drew flowers and suns. I talked to them again about trust and the trust cycles we will be going through. There are a couple of kids that are sticking out that I am falling in love with.
Today I worked on some emails, finished organizing my desk, worked in the pharmacy a bit and now I’m getting ready for my secondary OVC group. Tomorrow I head to Rundu with a shitload of things to do, then Friday I’m off to Winhoek.
Thursday, October 9:
Today we took off early from Mpungu in order to get to Rundu and kill many birds with a single stone. Of course, we didn’t take off on time AND the driver stopped by and handled many of his errands along the way so we didn’t arrive until around noon. That sucked, because we were then all hungry and yet we had a lot to do before eating.
We did end up accomplishing a lot! We purchased all the garden equipment though it took trips to several hardware stores to do so. We also picked up the rest of the supplies for the sewing business and it was fun to see the excitement in Veronica’s eyes as she was able to pick out all the fabric she wanted. We stopped by the Ministry of Forestry to drop off the tree request, picked up my paper from the PC office, went to the bank to open an account which we weren’t able to do, have lunch and also take my friends Fanual and Veronica on their first escalator ride. It was great. They were hesitant because they had not seen anything like it. Once they ‘jumped’ on, they smiled the whole way up and back down. There were young kids playing on the escalators. It was cute because it’s probably the most fun and excitement they have ever had. I got really pissed when an Afrikaaner woman came out of her store and yelled at them. I wanted to smack her and tell her to leave them alone.
They took off in the afternoon so they could swing by Nkurenkuru and pick up the 4 bikes the groups there donated to us and I hung out with Chris and Rachel before heading to Patrick’s to sleep. I had forgotten both my phone charger AND my ear plugs and wondered how I was going to survive the next few days.
Friday, October 10 - Sunday, October 12:
I am now a firm believer in using a sign when hiking. Kami had talked about it and I had thought about it every time I hiked but this time I was prepared. I had a sign that said Peace Corps Volunteer. Chris and I waited no more than 20 minutes in Rundu to get a hike to Otjiwarongo. The hike was interesting - an Afrikaaner woman who was heading there to pick up her sister in law who was fresh out of drug rehab. Only to get a call 20k from the town to hear that she was now missing and had made the trip for nothing. Fortunately she took us the rest of the way there. We hugged her and told her it would be okay.
We grabbed some food at SuperSpar and within another 20 minutes, had our ride to Windhoek. Right to Game to say the least. We bought some things, walked to Jan Jonker to check in, took a shower, met up with some others and then headed to the mall. I had really hoped there was be a good movie playing that I could justify spending N$45 on, but there was naught. 2 young British volunteers who are friends with Katie in Aronos were also in the city and they cooked dinner for us. I can’t imagine being 18 and that far from home.
The next morning we got together to discuss who was taking over what responsibilities from the former VSN board. I was chosen (or elected myself I should say) to be in charge of PR. That means that I have to send the newbies an email in the states before they arrive, redo the current handbook and submit monthly columns to the ‘All Included’ newsletter. I can handle that. That night most of us went to Primi for Italian and I had a FROZEN MARGHERITTA!!! I haven’t had one of those since leaving the states. I also had a mojito. Damn.
There were things I needed to do that I kept missing out on because of mall hours so we decided to not start the next day until 11. I ran to the mall early and finished some errands. We then organized the training of VSN for the new group coming next month. It was fun and I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Brooke and Katie were amazing and I’m glad they have taken the positions of trainer and coordinator. We then went to SPURS for dinner and I had a hamburger and it was GOOD!
Monday, October 13 - Wednesday, October 15:
Well, I lost faith in the sign because it was the hiking day from hell. Chris had decided to pay for a combi because he needed to get back to site. I thought, what the hell, I’ll just hike on my own. I started hiking at 6:30 in the morning. I arrived in Rundu (700k away) just past 7pm. It was ridiculously hot and tiring and I was cursing PC under my breath. Thing is, I could have paid to hike as well, but was being a cheapskate. I thought I was going to be trapped in Otavi but at the last minute managed a hike with some people heading to Zambia.
Jehan was in Rundu at Molly’s so we all caught up and watched a bit of a movie, then I crashed. Or tried to anyways, it was so hot and I was without a fan.
I had some errands to do in Rundu the next day so after accomplishing those, I went to Engen for about 45 minutes before landing a hellashis hike to Nkurenkuru. It was in the back of a truck so there was the heat and the truck was falling apart and had no suspension so combine that with all the construction on the road and I was miserable. But I managed to laugh it off. After that long ride, I decided to just crash at Sarah and come home the next day.
This morning I caught a ride with Janne, the Finnish missionary all the way to my clinic. I unpacked, tried out the new hose on my plants, moved the bikes from Fanuel’s office to my house, finished the letter to the newbies, uploaded the pics from my camera, walked to the store for milk and eggs, made lunch and then dinner and have been watching Weeds, Season 4. I’m glad to be back at site and don’t want leave it for awhile. I did find out that Sarah’s parents are coming at the end of November so if the money for my theater equipment comes in on time, I can get them to transport it back to here for me. That would be perfect. Also, I’m 8 weeks from my big vacation!! I cannot wait!
Thursday, October 16:
LONG, ass day. But the best part didn’t happen til later. On the way back from dinner at the school I was confronted with the ghosts of Christmas, lol. First, I hear and then see a very newborn baby goat with its mother near by. I take the opportunity to stop and try to pet it only to discover there is something really wrong with it and as I pick it up, I then notice the shit and blood crusting out of its ass. I now have shit and blood on my t-shirt. There’s a second where I realize this goat is going to be some wild animal’s dinner tonight and wonder whether I should put it out of its misery. I chicken out.
Halfway home I notice something scurry across the road in front of me and as I direct my headlamp I confront a rather large spider. What’s funny about this is that at dinner, Dinah was describing a large, poisonous spider that she was saw in Rundu the week before. A very aggressive, poisonous spider. This one, matched her description.
I then, get back to the clinic to hear a girl screaming and many people hanging around. Typically, the clinic is dead this time of night. Come to find out, a girl was bitten by a snake. I worry every time I am out at night walking around that I will be bitten by a snake. Also, the barber from Nkurenkuru is here with his uncle who is going to have to stay a night at the clinic. He and his friend have no place to stay so I have offered them my spare bedroom. I instantly went to this place in my head of ‘I need to lock all my closet doors’. I hate the fact that I went there, but I did. So I came home and locked the doors just in case they come over.
Friday October, 17 - Tuesday, October 21:
Friday I did the usual by working in the pharmacy until around 1 and then cleaning up the house a bit before Sarah arrived. I LOVE having company out here. She came later in the afternoon so we walked to the tuck shop for some beers, made dinner and then chilled out for the night.
Saturday, we had planned on getting up early to go for a long bike ride but it didn’t happen. She’s been having problems sleeping and being out here without a fan didn’t help. We had breakfast, played cards and watched Weeds most of the day. Once it cooled off, we went for our ride. We made it all the way to Katope (about 11k away). We thought we would be blessed with some cool drinks but their one tuck shop was out and we weren’t smart enough to take water with us. We were dying. It started to rain a bit on the way home.
We stopped by the tuck shop in Mpungu, bought some water and more beers and headed home. We taught ourselves how to play Rook - which 1. I suck at and 2. I’m still not convinced is a decent game for just two people. We then settled in for some more weeds.
Sunday we chilled most of the day while she waited her ride back to site. The rest of the day I cleaned my house and worked on my garden. I am going to plant a new bed each night this week and hopefully Sakeus will have my fence done before things start coming up and the goats eat them.
Monday I had a GREAT meeting with the group. The majority of them showed up on time and we got a lot accomplished. I feel like they are really starting to come together and we can move forward with getting things done. We talked and planned the next HIV Awareness day, discussed the theater project and finalized plans for the garden. If everything goes well, we should have the garden started the first week of November and the theater equipment should be here by the end of that month. Yippee! The rest of the day I worked on some details for the event and talked to the pastor about using the church for the garden training.
Today I meant to spend the morning preparing for my OVC stuff, but ended up getting sidetracked by other things. Most of my OVCs were early today for some reason, so I let them come in and we talked a little about math while we waited for others to arrive. MANY showed up today and I had about 25 kids in my flat. We talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up and I had them draw it in their all about me books. Most wanted to be doctors, nurses or teachers but one kid wanted to be the president of the country. I was like, GO FOR IT KIDDO! I was happy to see someone have ambition above and beyond what most people dream for.
During our class we kept getting interrupted by the local kids wanting to use my squirt guns and then one of the men from the church stopped by and said they are starting a men’s group and they want me to be a part of it. Damn! I’m VERY excited about that, but more excited that they have asked me to join. They are asking an outsider, a white person, be a part of their group. It made my day.
Wednesday, October 22 - Friday, October 24:
Wednesday I spent the morning getting ready for my OVCs in the afternoon. Gideon and Lulu stopped by so he could charge his phone and they just stayed. I kep hinting at the fact that I needed to be working but they just sat there so I felt the need to entertain Lulu.
In the afternoon, only 1 kid showed up for the OVC and neither of my assistants. It was then that I made the decision to combine the groups into the one big one on Tuesdays. He seemed to understand so I really hope he comes next week. I used the rest of the day to work on some ideas for our next HIV Awareness event. Veronica and the landlord for their sewing business stopped by so we could draw up a lease. What should have taken 30 minutes, took close to 90.
Thursday, with nothing to do really, I decided to work in the pharmacy a bit. Before I made it there though, Veronica and Berta stopped by to create the price list for their business and to discuss some problems they were having with each other. Berta’s mother wants to move to Rundu for a month or two because of problems she is having with someone in the community and she wants Berta to go with her. So of course, Veronica feels abandoned and Berta doesn’t want to NOT be a part of the business. They reason I mention all of this is that in the midst of this, while Hellini and Saki (Veronica and Fanuel’s children were playing). Hellini just stood up and started peeing on my floor. No expression of surprise or guilt on her face. Just like she was coloring - that exact same amount of enthusiasm. The others were talking and no paying attention and so I was like, ‘Hellini! Siga! Hellini!’ but she just kept on creating a big puddle on the floor and the other’s didn’t notice. Finally Veronica did notice and tried to stop her but she kept on and then started walking in it and then around my house. I was sort of shocked and frozen - not knowing exactly what to do. I didn’t really have anything I could use to clean it up except a dish towel and I didn’t want to have to clean it later. I just said I didn’t have anything and so Veronica went to the clinic to borrow a mop.
The interesting thing about all of this is that there was no apology, no embarrassment, NOTHING on the part of Veronica or Fanuel. It was like her peeing on the floor was no different than carrying sand in on her feet. At first I was very taken aback by this…I mean, their child just pissed all over my floor! And then I started thinking about it. Why SHOULD either of them be embarrassed or apologetic. They had no control over her doing that…or did they? We, as Americas, get so bent out of shape when something extreme or uncomfortable happens and the first thing we do is look for someone to blame or someone to take responsibility. Why did I think it necessary that they apologize or feel badly for what happened? How does that affect me? Is it a form of control or feeling better than someone? I mean really…if they had been all “I’m so sorry, OMG, I’m so ebararssed’. I would have immediately told them it was okay and they should laugh about it, that’s it’s no big deal. So…if I really feel that way and MOST of us feel that way in similar situations, why IS there a need for the other person to grovel and feel weird? Seriously…why?
Saturday, October 25 - Tuesday, October 28:
This morning I went for a long bike ride and then worked in my garden, preparing beds. I then decided it was time to cut my hair. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me. I haven’t cut it since I left the states but it was time. Dinah and John were going to Nkurenkuru so I decided to join them for that and also get some groceries. When I returned, the nurses went on and on about my shaved head - so I guess it was a hit. Wapa usili!!
Later that day, I went up to play cards with them. It was a lot of fun. The best part was watching Dinah get drunk off wine and how it affected her playing. Sakeus stopped by there house and he said he’d be at mine tomorrow to finish my fence.
Sunday rolled around. Sakeus showed up to finish the fence and I made him pancakes. We then talked for a bit about this and that and I went about my day. I honestly can’t remember what I did.
Monday morning we had out meeting and once again I was happy that the majority of people showed up on time. We began discussing the garden and it led to some issues - more with UMYA members than anything. UMYA is the home-based health care group I helped organize training for back in June. Unfortunately Risto, the guy in charge of UMYA hasn’t done shit since and so none of them have clients or even their kits. I unfortunately had to tell them that until they get clients, they could not be a part of the garden. They seemed to understand okay. We also talked about our next event and scheduled it for Nov. 15.
We then walked down to see the sewing business. I discovered along the way that Berta has decided to leave for a few months which leaves the business completely up to Veronica. This really sucks because I have worked so hard to get this thing going for them and now it’s at a standstill once again. I suggested to both of them that they open up the business to include a group of ladies (which honestly is what I should have done in the first place) but they weren’t interested. I don’t know how Veronica is going to manage to open this place up with 2 kids in tow. It’s no wonder most things don’t turn out here - there is always something that gets in the way.
Esther, the woman who wanted to start the kindergarten was at the meeting and I hadn’t seen her in about a month. I asked her where she was with everything and she handed me her hand-written proposal. I was happy to see that we were still moving forward with this project. I told her to come back tomorrow (cause I was wiped out) and we would type up a formal proposal together.
Today I made preparations for the afternoon OVC program while I waited for Esther to arrive. She was late, but we were able to get everything done by lunch time. The kids showed up early - as they have been - and we got started promptly at 2:30. We meditated, played the name game (more for me to learn each of their name’s than them but 2 birds with one stone), we talked about stigma and I had them draw pictures of their homesteads in their ‘All About Me’ books. They then took turns talking about them. It was sort of amusing. Many of the kids who had initially told me that their mother or father had died, talked about how they lived with their mother and father. My initial reaction - control freak reaction - was to say ‘hey, this is an OVC program ONLY!’ you need to leave. But here’s the deal…what is a ‘vulnerable’ child anyways? Just because the definition by the Ministry of Gender states it’s a child who has lost a parent…aren’t all these kids vulnerable in some way? So fuck it! I’m going to keep doing this after school program for whomever shows up. Now, if it gets to the point where I have 200 kids coming…I may have to draw the line, lol.
Wednesday, October 29 - Friday, October 31:
Wednesday was one of those ‘I have absolutely NOTHING to do days’. So that’s pretty much how it went. Thursday there wasn’t much going on mainly because I was waiting on an afternoon ride to Nkurenkuru. I cleaned my place, cancelled dinner plans with the other volunteers and basically just hung out waiting - thinking that my super was going to be back around 2 or 3 and I would ride with the car on it’s return. 8:00 pm rolls around with still no car. I finally send a text to make sure they are still coming - already getting pissed that I have missed the opportunity to go there tonight AND it would cause me to miss my free ride to Rundu Friday morning with Janne. Lyambezi calls me back to inform me that the car got into an accident and they won’t be getting here until very late. Problem was, that Sarah was not home so I was crashing with Scot and Lindsey and they go to bed early because of school. It’s just funny to me how things happen here and there is so many obstacles one has to work around in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks.
Friday I got up VERY early and walked the 1k to the hike point thinking that MAYBE I could make it in time. For about 30 minutes I just sat there, no cars at all and then as luck would have it, Selma - a friend of Sarah’s, stopped. She was on her way back to Nkurenkuru from her farm. Not only did I make it in time to catch Janne but it was free AND I saw the most beautiful sunrise of this season. It was a big lesson in not getting bent out of shape - that things always seem to work out the way they were supposed to.
Upon arrival in Rundu, I had a plethora of things to do and I set about accomplishing them before dark. I bought elbow brackets at the hardware store, went to the bank, stopped by Nawa Life and the Forestry Department, bought Tengo, had lunch, printed out many documents at the office, bought laminating sheets for birth certificates and a potato masher, lol. All in all, a very productive day.
I met up with Sarah and everyone later at the office to go buy booze for the evenings festivities. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, today marked one year ago I we left the states. One year. Damn…I realize there have been times where the days seem as though they were dragging on but I have to say that this past year has just WHIZZED by my face.
Everyone converged at Maggies, put on their Halloween costumes and began to enjoy the evening. Sarah and I went as Scot and Lindsey - our favorite Nam26er couple. Skyla was a dust bunny, Ben a wrestler, Lindsey went as Sarah Palin and Scot as Joe the Plumber, Rach was Dwight from the Office, Juice went as Maggie B, Maggie N. was a deviled egg, Christine and Alex were characters from some story I was not privy too, Cedar and Carrie went as traditional Himba women, the voice was a ninja and Lisa was a monk. I thought all the costumes were very creative given the fact that we don’t have a Capel’s or one of those temporary stores that pop up around this time. In fact, they don’t celebrate Halloween here at all. I has been quite interesting to try and explain it to Namibians. They can’t wrap their mind around the fact that children go door to door saying ‘trick or treat’ and people give them things for doing that. They all want to know WHAT ELSE the children have to work at to receive the sweets, lol. Overall, the night was fantastic, I drank too much and went to bed. A good way to put an end to my first year.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Damn it's getting hot around here...
Monday, September 1:
I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?
Tuesday, September 2:
I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?
Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):
Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.
Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:
Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.
Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:
We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.
Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:
Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:
The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.
Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:
I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.
Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:
This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.
Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:
On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.
Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:
Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!
I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?
Tuesday, September 2:
I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?
Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):
Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.
Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:
Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.
Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:
We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.
Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:
Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:
The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.
Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:
I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.
Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:
This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.
Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:
On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.
Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:
Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Adrenaline Junkie
Monday, August 4 - Tuesday, August 5:
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
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