The Remainder of March

Saturday, March 15 - Sunday, March 16:

Saturday morning we walked into town…along the river which is always very pleasant. We had breakfast at our favorite place, ‘Forget Me Not’ and then ventured out to run some errands. We dropped by the TRC for a bit, met up with both Rundu Maggies and went to lunch in the open market. We then decided to drop by the Bavarian to do a little swimming. I didn’t have anything to do that in, so I jumped in my in my cargos (they STILL were not dry on Sunday when I was hiking back). Everyone was going on a shebeen crawl later that day but I wasn’t up for it. I spent a few hours transferring movies from Patrick’s computer to mine. Some of which I hadn’t seen, so that’s very exciting.

Sunday we were all set to head back to sites around 10…which in Namibian time means we left Rundu at 4:25. So we hung out at the TRC because Patrick had left for Caprivi early. There is so much time spent ‘waiting’ here that it’s amazing anything ever gets accomplished. I realize this is an ‘American’ point of view and I should turn it around and say that there is so much time to chill and meditate here, no wonder there is no war, lol. I have mentioned before that I end up falling into a funk on Sundays. Each time I leave friends it’s like the end of summer camp. Fortunately Dave called and pulled me out of it as he always does. I have sort of vowed not to journal any more about my ‘issues’ (ie. isolation, insecurities, etc.) but being an ‘out-loud’ processor makes that vow difficult to keep. Just know that it’s the same shit that keeps bubbling to the surface and reminding me that it’s still hiding out in my attic. My attic is the one place I need to remove myself from before I go crazy.

Monday, March 17 - Tuesday, March 18:

Well, this morning it took me a solid 2 hours to catch a hike from Nkurenkuru to Mpungu. My ride ended up being with Bonjo Boy, a guy who lives in there, who happens to have been horribly burnt at some point in his life and has no lips. He seems like a good man, though I have not spent much time with him. There were 2 of us getting a ride and he told me to ride up front and put my stuff in the back. Upon opening the boot, I noticed the smell first, then saw the dead cow carcass shoved to the front. Though I was grateful for getting to ride up front, I did feel sorry for the young kid who was making the trip back there. I piled my bag and groceries into the back, climbed in the front and we were on our way - not before stopping and getting a beer, though…of course. The conversation was good but the stench from the back was right behind my head and I felt at times that I was going to hurl uncontrollably.

We finally arrived at sight and upon retrieval of my things, realized one of the books I had been waiting to read since my arrival in Namibia (which had recently arrived via my friend Steve), had fallen out of it’s bag and had laid in and soaked up a lot of the cow’s blood. The only thing I kept thinking was…thank God the only part that is ruined is what I’ve already read. It’s funny that THAT is all I thought about. There’s my book. Soaked in blood. And thank God I’ve already read the part that saturated. Lol.

I took the rest of the day easy and worked out of my house. A guy named Joseph stopped by and wanted me to help him work on a proposal to start a butcher shop here. It was very difficult because Fanuel was not here to translate and his English and my Rukwangali were far from compatible. We muddled through it though and I asked him question after question to the point where I thought he was becoming sad. I reassured him that we could work on this, there was just much more that he had to do before we could right a proposal. I’m excited at the prospect of getting some businesses going here. This place will eventually be a very big town because of how all the roads connect right here. They supposedly are going to start paving these roads in the next few years and Mpungu will grow overnight!

Today…today…was a great day. I had planned on meeting people who were interested in tearing down the thorn bushes from the garden area to use as fencing. What ended up happening, is that all the people who are going to be working on the garden, showed up and we started clearing it. Stupid me was in shorts and a T-shirt though and the many scratches on my legs and arms are proof that the thorn bushes here are NO joke. Plus, the blisters on my hand from ax usage are killing me! I look forward to getting out there tomorrow and doing it again. Seriously though…it was the hardest physical labor I’ve done since I got here and I loved it. There was such a feeling of accomplishment at the end of 3 hours. Also…these people worked their asses off! I w silently cursing my wounded hands but these people were singing and talking and laughing. They were so happy to be doing something productive with their time. It was inspiring. The worked so hard and never complained. By they way, were were removing bushes and small trees with dull, hand-made axes. I kept thinking how fast I could have went through this space with a chainsaw and weed-snippers and cut the work in HALF!!!! But, those aren’t the resources we have and so you use what ya got. I had forgotten to take my camera, so I have no complete before pics, but plan on taking some tomorrow. This garden is going to be huge and amazing. I am so excited for them. I can’t wait til things start to come up and we reap our first harvest. Wow. This is what I am here to do. Get food in these people’s stomachs and possibly some money in their pockets.

Tomorrow I fax our proposal to RACOC to get the fence built and a water tank and pump for collection of rain water. I pray we get all the money we are asking for.

Wednesday, March 19 - Thursday, March 20:

Well, this is the farthest back I’ve had to track to write something. That past 10 days have been a little crazy but I will try and catch up. Wednesday was a typical day of work which ended with Karel and I going to shoot some pool at a shebeen. I was leaving the next day for Divundu so I didn’t want to be out that late. So I left Mpungu on Thursday around 8:30. I arrive in Divundu at 6:35. It shouldn’t actually take that long…but this is Namibia (TIN). Efraim (the driver) kept stopping for no real reason. That combined with the roads being as bad as they were made for a long ass morning. By the time I reached Rundu I was officially nauseous from the ride and the trip to the open butcher shop. I’ll post pictures of that I promise.

I waited forever to get money from the BOB because it was payday AND a holiday weekend. The town was FULL!!! I decided to walk to the TRC and take a nap - to calm my stomach and head. I slept for about an hour then threw up. It was then time to try and hike the rest of the way. I ended up waiting with another guy which I knew was bad because it decreased both our chances at getting a ride. Namibians typically won’t pick up white people and Afrikaaners won’t pick up Namibians…so we were cancelling each other out. Someone finally did pull over but only had room for one, so I let him go because he had been waiting longer. Have I mentioned how difficult it is to stand around in the scorching African sun with a headache and nausea?? It is. I threw up again and made the decision I was only going to wait another ½ hour before just calling it a day and crashing.

It was at that time that Caroline, a woman from Luxemburg who is working in Rundu, pulled over - happy and delighted to give me a ride. Interesting conversation ensued and then I arrived. Chris was waiting fr me a the petrol station We caught up, as I did with Paul, ‘Layer Cake’ was watched and yes, I threw up yet again. It was then time to sleep. Friday, March 21 - Sunday, March 23: I headed out from Divundu around 7:30 am and fortunately caught a ride with a woman from the Dept. of Fishery who 1. Knew Thea and Griffin and 2. took me all the way to the border crossing point into the Caprivi strip. I only waited about 10 minutes before I caught a ride with a trucker heading to Katima from Walvus Bay.

The ride was long but pleasant because I was elevated and had a nice view of te landscape. The best thing was the ‘beware of Elephants’ signs I kept seeing. I really wanted to catch a glimpse of one but saw nothing more than elephant droppings across the highway. In America we worry about hitting dear and possibly messing up our cars. Here they worry about hitting an elephant and basically becoming pulp. The driver dropped me off at the Kongola fill station where Robin and Crystal were waiting for me. Soon Thea and Jeff arrived. It was great to see them all again and catch up - sharing what’s going on at all our respective sites. There was a celebration of sorts for Independence Day but we decided to hike back to Sesheke.

I finally got a better appreciation for my life in Mpungu seeing their huts with no running water and no electricity. Now, don’t get me wrong - their huts are kinda cool and though I don’t think I could have handled living like this, there was a sense of really roughing it that I could appreciate. Jeff’s hut is not completed yet so he lives in Crystal’s. It’s cramped but they made do. He and I headed down to the garden to get some corn to roast after dinner and collect some firewood for later, while the girls started working on dinner. I realize that’s not politically gender correct but it just worked out that way. We returned in time for black bean and sweet potato burritos which had been prepared over a propane stove. As night approached and the full moon resumed it’s place in the sky, we roasted corn and marshmallows over the fire. We were joined by a few small girls from the village and the evening was complete. I did pretty well sleeping on the cement floor, though I did toss and turn quite a bit. With 5 people sleeping in a 2 room hut, there was plenty of snoring and farting to keep anyone away.

Saturday after breakfast we began our hike to the Namushasha lodge where we would spend the day swimming and eating a good lunch and dinner. The lodge is very beautiful and we ended up getting a great deal on a boat ride on the river. Jeff then worked his magic with the receptionist and got us all complimentary rooms for the night! Sweet! The boat ride was awesome - we saw a green water snake, many colorful birds and finally a hippo. A dominant male actually, so we didn’t get too close cause it went underwater and the guide turned us around and sped us the other way. We got back in time to shower and rest a little before dinner. Dinner was out of this world good and the warm custard over muffins for dessert sent me into a sugar coma. I learned to play cribbage that night and now have a new favorite game. We headed to bed and Jeff and I played with the fruit bats on our balcony - trying to get some good pictures of them in flight. Then I slept. Slept better than any night in the country so far. I had a strange dream about Vin Diesel who I realized in my dream was representing Mark - that’s a story I will only share with him!!!

Today, Sunday, we had breakfast, hung out a bit then G-J (a French American conservationist living at the lodge and working on his PhD) gave us a ride back to the village. Then…disaster struck. I decided to do some laundry with Jeff at the borehole and proceeded to wash my shorts - with my cell phone in the pocket. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am down yet another cell phone. That’s 2! 2 phones in just 5 months. Is this a sign of something? What the hell Namibia. The funny thing is, is that I wasn’t all that upset about it. I mean hell, how can I bitch about something like that when the people around me live like they do? It just puts things into perspective. Is it a pain in the ass? Of course! But, really, its just a phone. A $1,200 phone, but just a phone. Even as I write this entry, I am just sort of laughing about it. The only problem with it is that now I will be hiking back 400k tomorrow without a phone - which is just a little bit scary. Oh well, I’ll be fine.

Monday, March 24 - Tuesday, March 25:

So Monday, I began the journey of making my way back to Rundu - 400k away. It doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but when you are hitchhiking it’s a different story. I headed out to the main road with Thea and Jeff where quite quickly they got a hike to Katima. I, not wanting to just sit still, began walking in my direction. I made it about 3k, all the while enjoyingthe hike with my back pack, though getting perturbed as each car passed and didn’t pull over. Just past the border to the Caprivia strip - where I had to soak my sandals in an ‘anti’ foot and mouth disease solution, I got a ride from some Zambian’s who took me all the way to Rundu.

After stopping by the PC office, I checked into the Bavaria, went for a swim and then settled in my room. It only took me a moment to realize I had cable T.V. and low and behold, watched the ending of a Harry Potter movie and then! Got to see an episode of Grey’s Anatomy - the current season! I’ve had a few surreal moments since being here but this one ranked up there. I’m lying in my bed watching American T.V. and I could have been in the states in any hotel. It actually made me homesick all of a sudden. Ya know, I’ve always liked to think of myself as a non-materialistic type of guy - that things don’t define me. What I’ve realized is that for the most part that is true and yet I do miss my comfortable life back home. Miss it a lot actually. The more I talk with other PCVs, I find they all seem to be people who didn’t have T.V.s, loved roughing it - were separatists - so to speak.

I’ve discovered that’s not really who I am and I’ve been trying to force myself into that box. So now that I’ve acknowledged that, what do I do with it? That combined with the fact that public health and community based work is not my passion. So then arises the question…what the hell am I doing in the Peace Corps? Do I want to help people and give something back to the world? Absolutely. But, if I’m not truly happy here what part of this journey is altruistic vs. what part is it me suffering for a cause? AND, is it okay that after 3 months at site I am still questioning myself? Is that a normal part of this process? Is it normal to still be achingly homesick? Most of the other PCVs seem to be settled into their life. Not that they don’t get homesick or stressed out but they have adjusted and accepted their new. I still feel like I am counting down the days when I get to leave. Is that going to change or is it a part of my personality that is going to end up winning out and making me go home? Am I being productive at site? Yes. I am working on things and trying to better the lives of the people I’m here to serve. But am I happy? Truly, happy? Ecstatically happy? No…not yet. Yet, should I be? I’m still not sure.

Wednesday, March 26 - Saturday, March 29:

I’m writing this on Saturday afternoon so I will try my best to remember the past 4 days. Wednesday began a 3 day workshop on gender equity. I really enjoyed it. It was the first workshop I’ve attended in Namibia where I was engaged and walked away knowing that I could conduct this workshop at my site easily. It was also nice because the facilitator was gay and so I was able to chill out and chat with him on the last day. The time at night was spent in the room with Sarah being goofy and watching T.V. I also had a really bad day where I thought I was going to go home. We did a section on father’s and had to get very personal. It brought up how much I missed mine and that then brought up other emotions. I actually made the statement to Sarah that if I felt this ‘low’ one week from today, that I was going to leave. She and I had a long talk (she is SUCH my rock!). I told her of my insecurities and she found it hard to believe that I didn’t have the faith in myself that she and everyone else did. Isn’t that always the case? We can never see ourselves the way other’s do. I was very calm during our talk and very comfortable with my decision to leave in a week if I felt the same. The workshop was nice also in that I was with a group of Namibians who are very progressive in their thinking. You could also see people’s minds changing - especially guys’ - throughout the week. It showed me that I’m not putting enough faith in the people I am working with. I am heading into every meeting, every situation, thinking they aren’t going to ‘get’ what I’m saying. That is SO not the right approach. So Friday morning I ran into my supervisor who was heading back to Mpungu that day, so it worked out they we got a ride. He was going to pick us up in front of OK Foods at 1. He called 2 hours before that to say they were ready and I begged for an hour so Sarah and I could finish our errands. We then waiting outside of OK for them for about an hour. Time here is completely irrelevant. It then still took us another 30 minutes to head out of town. We crammed all our stuff and all our food in the back, along with 5 people and headed out.

We arrived in Nkurenkuru around 4:30. That gave us time to stop by the post office and then Sarah decided to head to my site with me. I had two packages and we ran into Julia, a friend of Sarah’s who decided to come with us. Did I mention I got two packages? One from my mom and the other an Easter package from my sister. Can you say SCORE! They were both filled with goodies but I have to say my favorite thing was the pecan nougat egg hiding in my sister’s. My mom also sent copies of home movies that I made last year…trust me when I say I got teary eyed! We got back to site, Sarah worked on dinner - sautéed butternut squash and pasta - while I unpacked and showered. We then watched ‘Notes on a Scandal’ and went to bed.

They left early this morning and I was once again alone. Alone at my site for the first full weekend since I’ve been here. Hard to believe but yet. In 3 months, I’ve managed to NOT be alone on a weekend - especially at site. Can you say ‘avoiding’??? Today hasn’t been that bad. I’ve cleaned my place, watched a movie, done some stuff on the internet (yes I replaced my phone on Friday) and just sort of chilled out. Like I said…it hasn’t been that bad…but there is still tomorrow! If I can work through this isolation shit, I’ll be just fine.

March 1-12

Saturday, March 1 - Sunday, March 2:
SO I finished reading ‘Eat, Pray’, Love’ where Miss Elizabeth Gilbert so eloquently chronicals a year of her life while on a spiritual journey. What stuck out for me was that she -very forthrightly I might add - acknowledges the difficult she continued to face during this intense growth period of her life. Growth is hard, we all know that. I’m currently in the middle of some hard stuff. I promised myself that I would stop focusing on myself and switch my focus to others - only makes sense, right? I mean, this is the Peace Corps. But let me indulge for just a moment. I’ve realized that I keep trying to control this entire situation. That I am trying to make it behave a certain way. That I am trying to get people to behave differently than they have for 100s of years. Is this ego or impatience? Or are they one and the same? The ego says, ‘hey, you are this smart white man with a computer and all the answers to their problems!’. Impatience continues to mock me by saying closely the same thing - ‘Don’t these people realize you are only here for a short amount of time? Come on, let’s get busy!’.
Didn’t I mention somewhere in this journal that I needed to work on letting go of control and learning patience? These tend to be the captain and first mate of the ship that is my life. They have sailed me through life without ever really letting me touch land. That’s how I view the majority of the past 39 years. That I am just hovering above the real world. Not ever engaging completely - staying blissfully aloof. A dear friend of mine and someone I admire greatly - Nancy Monahan - told me point blank several years ago that I was aloof. At that time I shrugged it off like sand from my Teva’s, not knowing exactly what she meant. I get it now - even without the help of Mr. Webster So what has made me this way? Un-engaging? Afraid of forming relationship with those around me? Friendships, acquaintances, as well as lovers? Right now I honestly don’t know.
I could look back on my life and come up with a handful of scarring experiences and start to point fingers but, does that solve anything? It’s the collective experience of my life that has made me who I am in this moment. So facing that as reality - how does one really go about personal transformation? If all these habits, aspects of personality and characteristics of self were created by a life in which the majority of, was out of our control - how can one truly change? That is what I am seeking. Seeking from God. Seeking from yoga. Seeking from meditation. Seeking from myself. Seeking from the ‘nane’ who says’ morokeni tate’ to me each morning but refuses to give me her smile.
Each moment is a gift, but being the aloof individual that I am, I’ve always brushed them away. How do I learn to embrace them? How do I learn to embrace then without fear?
I just got off the phone with my friend Doug Stevens and something surfaced in our conversation that surprisingly hadn’t crossed my mind. A mere 6 weeks before I landed in this country, I sold my house. My home. Sold my motorcycle. Ridded myself of the majority of my furniture. Closed a successful massage practice. Gave up my dog. Ended a relationship. All of this I did because I was bored with my life. Because I was looking for an adventure. Because I was looking for a spiritual journey. What the fuck? Did I think this was going to be easy?
It call came crashing down on me - these realizations. I hadn’t given myself a chance to grieve the loss of all these things nor had I processed all the emotion around such major life changes. I have been so focused on what was happening to me here and trying to pinpoint where a lot of the intense depression/emotion was coming from and hell, this is a big part of it. So I had a cry. A big cry. It was so cleansing. It showed me that I have GOT to stop beating myself up for how I am dealing with things here. I am dealing with things the very best way I know how AND it’s a LOT to deal with. A LOT to process. It’s a LOT of change at one time in one’s life. Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect David.

Monday, March 3 - Tuesday, March 4:
Monday I spent working on Rukwangali the majority of the day, with some attention paid to the proposal I am trying to write to RACOC. Did some yoga, cooked some chakalaka and starting reading ‘The Pillars of The Earth’.
Today, was a little more fulfilling. I worked on a couple of proposals, worked on language and met with the guy who is selling us the cow for the training in a few weeks. I, via the translator, tried to explain to him that no, I did not have the money to buy the cow today. That he had to wait until the 15th when Risto brings the money for the workshop.
The best part of the day was when 2 ladies came by my office with an idea to start a sewing project. That wanted my help writing a proposal to get money for some machines, materials, etc. for them to start this income generating project. I sat down with them for about 2 hours and we began to formulate a plan. They were very prepared and had a list detailing everything they would need. I walked them through the process and brought up ideas and suggestions for other things they would need. It was very cool. It was the first time since I’ve been at site that I felt like I was actually accomplishing something. Now, don’t get me wrong. From the idea of this business to the actual opening of it could be anywhere from 6 months to a year. But just the fact that THEY came up with it and came to me for help…it speaks volumes. I can only hope that more people will come to me with their ideas and I can help inspire, organize and motivate them to see their dreams come to fruition. A very cool day indeed. And as a bonus, I cooked ‘yisima’ for the first time and it turned out great!

Wednesday, March 5 - Thursday, March 6:
Met with the garden committee on Wednesday in order to organize a little more, begin writing the proposal and assign some work. The meeting went well - about 2 hours - and we made a good start. I, of course, thought of many other questions I needed to ask them AFTER it was over, so that will have to wait until the next meeting.
I was excited because Sarah was hiking in today in order to have a meeting with Anton on Thursday. She left Nkurenkuru around 3 and finally made it to my place around 7. Thanks Namibia! The car she got a hike with broke down exactly half-way here and she was stuck, sitting under a tree for 2 hours waiting for another car to pass by and take her the rest of the way. Patience. It’s such a common theme here.
Thursday we headed up for our meeting with Anton around 8:30. When we got there he asked why we weren’t in the CACOC meeting in Nkurenkuru. I looked at him like he was insane - I hadn’t heard about a meeting. Sarah responded with, ‘I just heard about it yesterday and Ndadi didn’t think I needed to be there’ - so we continued with our meeting. 20 minutes later, the principle from the primary school (who is also on the VDC) arrives and says he needs to speak to me. I go outside and he informs me he is here to pick me up for the CACOC meeting, that they are waiting for me to arrive (the meeting was scheduled for 9, it’s 9:20 before we leave Mpungu). I turn to Sarah and we decide she needs to be there as well and Anton also decides to come along. I decide to stay the weekend cause I was heading there Friday anyways. Sarah and I laugh and on the hike in the back of the combi it hits us point blankly that THIS is the reason it takes so long to do ANYTHING here. So when I say it took a year to get a community garden going - I mean, seriously, it took me a year!
The meeting went ALL day. Have I mentioned before that Namibians enjoy ‘playing office’? All the meetings I’ve been in, it never seems as though ANYTHING is accomplished. It’s as if everyone is 10 years old, bored on a Saturday afternoon and decide to play secretary, play boss, play office. It’s a lot of pencil pushing and talking with no resolutions ever made. It’s a big waste of time and really makes one thankful for the organization skills that come naturally to Americans. This is exactly the reason that in the short 2 years Peace Corps volunteers are at site, that only one or two things get completed - from start to finish completed.
I ended up receiving 3 packages today! 2 from my sister and one from Steve and Jess. It was like Christmas. Shelly sent me a bunch of GREAT food, books and crosswords! Steve and Jess sent me thumb drives, books, and a blue tooth adapter to try and get internet via my phone. We headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for taco night then headed home. I decided to try to hook up the blue tooth thing though I am fairly computer illiterate when it comes to more complex things. Well, Christmas came once again when I figured it out and BAM!!! I now have regular internet access via my phone! It’s very exciting and at the same time I have been without it for so long that it’s also not THAT big of a deal. I know that sound weird, but I guess when you go without something for so long, you start not to miss it.

Friday, March 7 - Monday, March 10:
Friday I worked on a quote sheet for the garden committee while Sarah did her thing. We went to the open market for lunch and had authentic African food - ie. mahangu, ekovi and some pieces of meat which we ate with our hands. It’s becoming so normal for me to eat with my hands that I don’t think about it. Let’s hope dysentery doesn’t think about it either.
We headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s to hang with them Lisa, Alex, Christine and Ben. I hadn’t seen Lisa in awhile so was nice to catch up. I decided to cut loose a bit and drink some (brandy and 7up) and well, I paid for it. I felt so old because I threw up on the way back to Sarah’s. I didn’t even feel sick, it just came up. Needless to say I just don’t need to drink at all!
Saturday we shopped for the big ‘Curry Cook-off’ that evening. I was going to try my hand at making samosas and she was making Chicken curry. Both turned out quite well. Ben was also doing the curry thing and Lisa was making her famous carrot cake. The meal turned out amazing and I felt like a total pig for the amount of food I ate. It was great! I played a round of Scrabble with Lisa and Lindsey while Sarah played Monopoly with Scot and Ben. Quite an exciting evening to say the least.
Sunday we just chilled out. Sarah had planned a meeting with Ben Bikes - an organization that supplies low costs bikes to home based health care groups. I was set to meet with him as well, but Dinah and John showed up right before he did and I had to catch a ride back to site with them. We did however hang out briefly with John and Julia, 2 new friends of Sarah’s. John is obviously gay and we are pretty sure Julia is as well. I kept trying to steer the conversation towards what the general attitude about homosexuality is here in Namibia and finally John opened up about his sexuality. Sarah and I have both decided to remain in the closet while here. It’s not out of any type of shame, it’s more that we don’t want it to get in the way of the work we do here. We are only here for 2 years and can only accomplish so much with the resources we have, so to possibly damage our productivity by revealing that information, is just not necessary. I wanted to tell John about myself so that maybe he had an outlet to talk about those types of things with, but again, I chose not to. It may be something I do down the road, but not right now.
Sarah and I have labeled the Sundays when we part company as GB Sundays. If you are really curious about what the GB stands for just ask. Needless to say, they suck big time. I get back to site and am hit with my feelings of loneliness hard. By the next day I am fine…but the first day back is rough. I am sure it will stop feeling that way at some point. Tonight was great though because I ran into Shelly on yahoo messenger and we were able to chat for a bit. I am working towards strengthening and repairing our relationship. I have shut her out for the past several years of my life, not really understanding why. I’ve been able to put my finger on some of the issues since being here and also been able to share them with her and have her receive the information in a positive way. It’s a very good thing. Mark also called and we talked for about 90 minutes. I LOVE that man so much. We are also working through things we were never able to deal with directly in our relationship. Maybe it’s the distance that allows us to be so honest. Maybe It’s the fact that so much of my own shit has come up since being here that it feels like purging to be able to talk through it. Regardless, I’m loving where it is taking him and I. There were plenty of times back in the states where I would look at him from across the table or when he was driving us somewhere and think…this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But then my own shit would get in the way of allowing me to be that happy. I plan on leaving as much of that ‘shit’ here in Mpungu Vlei!
Today marks 2 months I have been at sight with a reminder that I have been in the country now for 5 month. I researched some info for the women who want to start the sewing business and started to formulate a plan for the curriculum of English Club. I’ve never taught anything before, but I can’t imagine it’s that hard to design a class each week. I was able to track down some books via Christine for some ideas and a chalkboard from the clinic that I can use. I am hoping to start that in the next few weeks. I also put a call into Lejeune, my APCD, to just check in and find out if I am in the right place as far as my plans and goals and she confirmed that I was right on.

Tuesday, March 11 - Wednesday, March 12:
Monday was filled with Rukwangali, finishing up some work on the quote sheet for the garden and basically just taking it easy. I have really been wanting to find a way to meditate. Meditate on a deep level, but I haven’t found my niche yet. I can’t just sit still and quiet my mind…that never works. Yoga helps, but I question whether I am doing the poses right and to the right extent…yadda yadda yadda.
Tuesday I worked on some administrative stuff for Lyambezi, walked to the school to print it out, had lunch, had a meeting with the garden committee to find tune some more details and give them the quote sheets for materials, do some yoga, and watch a movie. Is it just me or are the days starting to speed up here? And if they are, does that mean I am adjusting? I read Vanity Fair, the Africa issue today…from July of last year (I ran across it at Scot and Lindsey’s). It was all about all the big-wigs who are doing things to help this nation. I realized while reading that I sort of fell into that category. No, I’m not giving billions of dollars to build schools and stuff, but I am doing things on a very grassroots level. All PCVs are. You never really hear about the PC any more. I mean, seriously…when was the last time you read an article referencing it? And yet there are thousands of people every year who set aside 2 years of their life in service to others. It’s actually amazing. It’s actually quite a privilege to be here. I keep telling myself that every time I have a desire to go home. I’ve settled into the realization that I came here for many wrong reasons. But I know I need to stay here for the few right ones. I’m keeping the faith, baby.

February

Friday, Feb. 1:
Well here I thought I was going to have an easy day. Woke up and finally went for a run because the clouds weren’t pouring down. My supervisor and the counselor were in Rundu for the weekend and I had a meeting scheduled at 10 with the buddy facilitators from Nkurenkuru and buddy group from Mpungu. So I casually came back from running, put on an episode of Sex and the City (season 2) and started making breakfast. At 9 there was a knock at the door and Singombe - the newly elected supervisor of the buddy group - was there and saying it was time to head to the school for the meeting. He realized I wasn’t ready and I asked for 10 minutes. Namibians are used to waiting so wasn’t a big deal.
We made it to the school by 9:30 and set up the chairs in the room we were using. While we were waiting he asked me some questions about English and we had a little impromptu lesson. I realized very quickly that I COULD teach English as a second language if I wanted to. Around 10:30 the rest of the buddy group began to filter in and by 11, they had all shown up except for the people from Nkurekuru. At 12:30 I was getting hungry and irritated. I hadn’t brought my cell phone with me and Singombe was out of Tengo. The secretary wouldn’t let us use the school phone because it wasn’t ‘school related’. He and I had to walk the 20 minutes back down to the clinic so he could buy Tengo, recharge his phone and THEN call Leekoko (the facilitator). It all sounds very efficient, doesn’t it? Trust me when I say I’ll NEVER take certain things for granted when I return to the States.
Needless to say, we got a hold of the guy and he was ‘on his way’. The 10 am meeting took place at 1:30. That’s Namibia for ya. It ended up being good though cause the 2 guys spoke English very well and I got a lot of questions answered and felt like I bonded with a group a bit more. I forgot to mention that I was headed to Nkurenkuru to hang with Sarah for the weekend and as the meeting kept getting pushed back I watched as my possible rides out of Mpungu kept dwindling. I kept seeing teachers driving away - all the teachers I can usually get transport from.
After the meeting I discovered that Leekoko and Ristho were driving back to Nkurenkuru and I could get a lift from them. In the back of their truck in the rain, how fun. The usual 30 minute drive took an hour because of road conditions but I arrived safely around 4. The 26ers were already together and had plans to start drinking games around 7. I was starved and knew I could get chips at one of the take-aways.
On the way there, walking through the clinic gate, Sarah slips and almost falls on the grate. The grate I speak of is rolls of steel backs that can be driven over but are far enough apart that an animal (usually goat or donkey) cannot walk across. It’s better then electric fencing, let me tell you. But back to my story. So we look down to discover that Sarah had slipped on blood. We then look to the side to see an elderly man, covered in blood, sitting in a pool of blood, with another guy holding a soaked bandage to his head. He had tripped on the grate and come crashing down face first into it. Oddly enough, Sarah and I were rather calm and we asked if they had sent someone for help. Of course they didn’t speak English so we took it upon ourselves to find a nurse (the clinic here has no doctor - he just up and left one day without any explanation). We found a guy and told him what happened and he said ‘the man was probably drunk’ and just got into his car and drove away. Like being drunk means you shouldn’t be helped. We then found a nurse and her response was ‘I’m off duty’. It started to be comical to me how inhumane the whole situation was. I’m thinking to myself, ‘have they ever seen ER or Grey’s Anatomy?’. It took us another 10 minutes to find the on-duty nurse and he said, I’ll come in just a moment I’m helping this sick girl (a small child who had just seconds ago thrown up). He tells Sarah to grab some gloves and gauze and tape and wait for him. It’s been about 15 minutes at this point. The nurse begins to follow us to the front but then stops to greet an acquaintance along the way. I mean seriously, THIS is RIDICULOUS!!!! When we finally get to the front, the guy is gone. He must have found the strength to get up and walk home. Sarah asked the nurse if she should clean up the blood - there was still large pools of it on the grate and ground (I had to stop looking at it cause it was making me queasy) - and he said no, leave it, the rain will wash it away.
When I say it’s a different world here, I mean, IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD HERE! It’s hard to even put into words the things that I see, the inhumanity, the selfishness and yet having lived here for 3 months, most of it seems validated. People only live for today here. It’s all they know. They also only live for themselves. They know that if they do not look out for ‘me’ that no one else is going to. It perpetuates this circle of not caring which is hard, as a volunteer, to face on a regular basis. There are times where I think that if these people I’m here to help don’t give a shit, why should I? That’s a horrible thing to say, but it comes across my mind from time to time. Then I step back and realize it’s all they’ve ever known. I also know that if I don’t demonstrate a different way to live, a different way to approach life and one another, then they will never change. I guess it finally dawned on me that in being here - whether I start a garden or an orchard or a sewing group or a movie theater - that me just being me, being an understanding, giving, compassionate human being is what’s going to bring about the greatest change in the lives of the people here. THAT, my friends, is some serious pressure. PS. Remind me to tell you about the week Sarah had a couple of weeks ago when she almost went home. PSS. Did I mention that one of my fellow PCVs saw Charlize Theron in Oshiworongo?

Saturday, Feb. 2:
I slept in. Yeah! It’s been a while since that has happened. I walked to the store to buy supplies so that Sarah and I could make pancakes. 85$N for syrup, yogurt, powdered milk, toilet paper (not used in making pancakes, she was just out), and eggs. The toilet paper was 28$N! I have to start checking prices cause I’m sure I could have found a cheaper paper.
We watched a few episodes of Lost, Season 2. I’m seriously hoping someone is taping Season 4 for me, lol. She then took a nap cause she hasn’t been feeling well and I read, journaled, walked to the hardware store (the Namibian version of a hardware store) and then we cooked some pasta with curry sauce for the braai and S & L’s. Once again, it was good to hang out with all of them. They are so bonded having been here a year and their perspective is very different than ours. We returned home around 8, watched Fight Club and then crashed.

Sunday, Feb. 3 - Tuesday, Feb. 5:
Got up with intentions of catching a ride with my supervisor back to Mpungu on his way from Rundu. Contacted him around 10 and he said he’d be passing through around 6:30. Sarah and I watched Lost, ALL DAY! I mean, seriously, I wasted an entire day. It was nice. I had forgotten my phone charger and so turned my phone off to save the battery which was almost dead. I turned it back on around 6 and waited. And waited. And waited. My super never called, never texted…nothing. By then it was way too late for me to try and hitch on my own. So I stayed with Sarah another night.
Monday I got up and headed over to the hike point around 7:30. I’ve been really lucky with hikes and so I only waited about 15 minutes for one. A government car drove by and then turned and came back to ask if I needed a lift. The hitching God is always looking out for me. When I got to site, my super said he didn’t go through Mpungu until around midnight and his phone had died. He didn’t seem at all worried about it. I’ve got to learn to not be worried about it as well.
Monday I worked on Rukwangali and started reading a book about BioIntensive Gardening. Growing vegetables in really bad soil. I was supposed to have a guitar lesson with Alex, but he had to cancel because of a volleyball meeting at the school. I did yoga, read, and hit the sack.
Today was more of the same. The counselor told me today that he wants to build a community building for the support groups to meet in. He said he is trained in brick making. So that is another project I am going to wrap my mind around. I will help him make bricks and then we’ll write a proposal to have the place built and electrified. It will be great cause my idea for a movie house fits into this plan perfectly. I also thought today that we could offer free movie passes to people who come for HIV testing at the clinic. I know it sounds like we are bribing people to be responsible…but, it’s how things are done here.
Oh, I forgot to mention…I think I have inadvertently adopted a stray dog. I had bought dog food when in Rundu to feed the young puppy that belongs to the daughter of a nurse living on the grounds. I could barely get him (his name is Doggie) to eat it. Yesterday, this REALLY scrawny little dog started following me around. Tail wagging and whimpering to be petted. Well…I fell in love. So I gave it some food. Then I couldn’t get it to leave my flat. I put it outside and it just sat on my steps and whined. Today, it was waiting outside for me, so I fed it throughout the day and it never left my side. It is currently asleep on the floor next to my bed. I’m debating on whether or not to let it stay in for the night. I tried to give it a bath earlier but it turned out half-assed. I was trying to get rid of some of the bugs that were living in it’s fur. They weren’t ticks, but some kind of weird spotted fly. They were gross. I just don’t want them in my house, lol. I’m sure it has fleas too, but there’s nothing I can do about that until I get a ride to town. If I decide to take on this responsibility, I’m going to have to find a vet in Rundu and figure out a way to get it there and back. What am I thinking?
Her name is Mukwetu.

Wednesday, Feb. 6:
I keep thinking the days are going to get better, but they don’t seem to be. I seem to have convinced myself that I shouldn’t be here and that my reasons for being in the Peace Corps aren’t valid. I have been meditating daily but my thought patterns aren’t changing. Bottom line for me right now…I think I am too hyper to be in such an isolated place. I think if I had been put in a town where there was some ‘life’ and that I could walk around and interact with people, that I would be more settled. Honestly, the only way to meet people here is to invite yourself to their homes for dinner or go to a shebeen and I’m not one to do either. I really do hope I can work through this because if I still feel this way come April, I’ll have a big decision to make.
All that said, today was a pretty good day. I worked in my office a bit and then Lyambezi dropped by to tell me he was on his way to the school to talk to the principal. I asked if he could relay a question to him for me and he invited me along. I hadn’t met the principal yet - or even spent time at the school (outside of visiting the other PCVs and VSOs. Lyambezi arranged to speak to the girls about pregnancy and I asked about boy’s clubs, Life Skills classes, and counseling hours. The principal was very excited about my questions. We planned on returning to the school that afternoon at 3, because they were having an assembly with the 10-12 graders.
Upon returning to the clinic I asked about a bigger, different office for the HIV counselor. He showed me a room where Fanuel was originally supposed to be and I showed him what I considered to be a better alternative. It was a storage closet in the main clinic area that if cleaned out, would be well suited for Fanuel. He agreed. So I spent the next few hours moving (with some help) boxes, taking apart shelving, etc. from the closet to another room in the hospital. Then one of the cleaning ladies wiped everything down, swept and mopped. Oh…In the process of moving things around I found an actual desk! Fanuel now has a bigger space which is more conducive to doing pre- and post-test counseling and I could tell from the smile on his face that he had been waiting/hoping for a change of space for quite some time. Why he didn’t just ask Lyambezi on his own, I’m not sure. What I believe is that there is a lot of insecurity among Namibians which stems from how they were raised AND somewhat due to apartheid. It was nice to be ‘busy’ and do something that was familiar. It also inspired me to take a closer look around the clinic and maybe find other areas that can be ‘spruced’ up.
We returned to the school around 3 and the assembly was well under way. They had a guest speaker talking about motivation and reaching your dreams. I was actually inspired. The lecture seemed a bit ‘new-age’ which was refreshing from the last 3 months of having nothing like that. We were introduced and then I took the boys out into the yard, while Lyambezi remained behind with the girls. I have to say, usually I am nervous about speaking in front of groups, but when it comes to youth - I am A-OKAY. I talked to the boys about starting a boy’s club to see if there was any interest. There was a unanimous YES. There were a couple of very outspoken boys which I can definitely see leadership qualities in. I asked them what they would like the group to consist of, what things they would like to do, talk about, etc. I got some really good feedback. It sounds like it will be a combination of a social club to talk about things they can’t talk about with other people (ie. sex, relationships, parental issues) and possibly some tutoring for those subjects in which they are struggling. I am excited about it because it’s within my comfort zone.
I returned to the assembly room to wait for Lyambezi. When finished and the girls were released, 3 came up to me and asked if they could talk to me. I said sure and they pulled me back into the assembly hall. I sat down and they one girl asked, bluntly, how her boyfriend could please her sexually without having intercourse - because she was concerned about getting pregnant. Without skipping a beat, I talked to her about oral sex (which she had not heard of) and mutual masturbation. You would think I had just handed her Pandora’s box (which…I probably did). I think her excitement was more about being able to ask something she’d never be able to ask anyone else and to see how comfortable I was with the response. No judgment, no shock, just a simple-straightforward response. It felt good and I have a feeling the youth at the school are going to be beating down my door at the clinic very soon J
I decided to share some of my frustrations about having a lot of ‘nothing’ to do all day and he was understanding. See, a lot of the pressure to perform is my own stuff. He’s not putting any on me himself. I just have to find a way with being ‘okay’ with doing nothing. Even outside of work, I need to do that. I find myself filling up my evenings with watching movies on the computer and reading. But then, what the hell should or would I be doing?

Thursday, Feb. 7:
Today started out like the rest of the week - me, not being able to get out of this slump. This overwhelming since of ‘I shouldn’t be here’. I had planned on attending a meeting in Nankudu with my supervisor and all the other PCVs and theirs’. We were supposed to leave at 8 but didn’t get picked up until 10:40. TIN! Then the drive took about an hour and 15 minutes because the road was so bad AND we had to pick up 2 other supers - 1 from Nepara and 1 from Yinsu. Along the drive I just sank deeper into this depressive state which ultimately fueled the headache that had been sneaking around in the back of my head.
The meeting was long, drawn out and most of it didn’t pertain to any of us PCVs, BUT I got to see them so that was good. Stephanie, Sarah, Justin and Wendy could all tell something was bothering me and during the lunch break I shared what was going on with me. I told Sarah how I felt that I had ‘run away’ from some things in my life back in the states and it was that reason why I felt uncomfortable being here. She was empathic, yet stern (which is what I love about her). She said that if I left here for that reason I’m once again running away from my problems. She reminded me that personal growth was not easy, as a matter a fact the biggest growth spurts are typically the most difficult - I just happen to be dealing with everything at once. It gave me a moment to pause. I did come here to grow as an individual and if some dark days of questioning are part of that process, I need to embrace it. So I came here for some wrong reasons, can I not deal with those issues here? Do I have to return home and miss out on this experience to work through them? Also, I don’t seem to be able to get the concept of 2 YEARS out of my head. I need to step back and take the experience a day at a time without putting all that pressure on myself.
I got back too late to enjoy the dinner with the gang on the hill and frankly wasn’t feeling that great, so I was fine chillin’ by myself. As I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed I paused for a moment in the mirror. Why haven’t I shaved since I arrived in Namibia? What was the point of all this facial hair? It dawned on me that maybe I was hiding behind it. Wow…hiding behind it. So I shaved. I shaved for the first time in 3 months. I hardly recognized the man staring back at me. It was cathartic to say the least. I think tomorrow is going to be a better day. I know tomorrow WILL be a better day.

Friday, Feb. 8: 7:00 a.m.
I truly was hiding behind that facial hair. I can’t seem to stop staring at my reflection and smiling broadly. Not out of any narcissistic desire or ego, but more out of ‘hmmmmpphhh’. I’ve been here 3 months and have yet to ‘settle’ into the experience of being here. I think I’ve approached it with the idea that it’s just temporary - that if it gets to bad or too rough, that I can just leave. Always having an ‘out’. How was I ever going to ‘be’ here if my escape route was hanging in front of my face like a carrot. With my focus on it, I was never able to focus on what was going on around me. I’m in this for the long haul.
I was able to get a free hike with my supervisor into Nkurenkuru but we left very early. I felt a little guilty for ‘taking the day off’ but there wasn’t anything on the schedule so… The drive to town was interesting - I had yet to ride in his personal truck. The truck happens to be a 96’ with 150,000 miles on it. As we kept splashing through big mud puddles I wondered why he hadn’t turned on his windshield wipers. We stopped a few moments later for him to physically get out of the vehicle and move the wipers across the windshield manually. We ended up doing this every 10 minutes or so. I mean, his wipers weren’t working and yet you didn’t hear one word of complaint from him. Then a strange noise started coming from the front right tire and I was convinced we had a flat and were going to be stuck in the bush for most of the day. It wasn’t the tired but it did sound like the wheel would just fly off at any moment. Again, no complaints from the super…just acceptance of the way things are.
I feel like such a baby when I think about all the shit I’ve bitched about since arriving at site and here these people that I volunteered to help are living in much worse conditions than myself and just accepting it all. This sort of thing tends to sober one up a bit. I’ve also realized that this is just my process. That it happens to be in the cards for me to deal with all this stuff AT ONCE - which of course makes it very hard, but then the trade-off is that I get through it all at the same time. I’ve had some great words of encouragement from other PCVs AND from friends back home via Facebook - THAT has been a life saver. And trust me, some of the other PCVs are having a MUCH more difficult time than I and just riding it through. I need to stop looking at it as ‘why is this happening to me’ and begin to see it as ‘Wow, this is happening to me!’.
Sarah and I went to hang out at Lindsey’s school for part of their athletic day. Athletic day consists of all the kids standing around in the hot sun for hours while someone decides when to start things. We stayed for the first relay which was long distance. They were divided by sex and age, so the older girls went first. It was 12 laps around a track (when I say track, I mean a field that was cleared the day before). They started with 15 girls - barefoot I might add and by the time the first one crossed the finish line they were down to 5. I mean, the girls would just get tired and quit…walk off the field. There seemed to be no motivation to complete the race NOR had there been any preparation or training for it. I think the higher placers get to go on to a regional competition but hell, to place high you just need to stay in it, not necessarily be the fastest.
I stopped by the vet’s to find out charges for getting the stray that I’ve adopted neutered but they weren’t around. We decided to make cornbread and chili for dinner so we headed to the store. Afterwards, we went for a run down by the river. The river happens to be where everyone bathes. I was lucky enough to see a handful of men NAKED, lol. No, I’m not a perv but yes, I did stop to rest for a bit and try to ‘stare’…give me a break, I haven’t had sex or seen a naked man in 3 months! I figured the universe was throwing me a bone (pun intended).
Marcus and a friend (I forget his name) stopped by while we were making dinner and we invited them to stay eat and watch a movie. This is the stuff I feel I’m missing out on in Mpungu. No one just stops b my house, lol. Guess I need to do something change that. The evening felt very much like home - a group of friends eating together and watching TV per se. It was nice.

Saturday, Feb. 9 - Sunday, Feb. 10:
Yesterday Sarah and I hung out, watched some Lost, I did some grocery shopping, Ben came into town and since Scot and Lindsey were at the athletics field all day, he hung out with us. We actually played a complete (start to finish) game of Monopoly. Now…I haven’t played Monopoly since I was a child and then I seldom played correctly. My sister will assure you that I actually cheated, but I would have to disagree (at least not ALL the time). I began to rain again (this is the rainy season if you haven’t figured that out yet) and so we were sort of stuck inside.
What Sarah and I have discovered is that we are each other’s ‘imaginary playmate’, lol. Seriously. We are such freaks. We decided we were going to just dance. Just dance to some random music for about an hour. Now…when I say dance. I mean, act silly and outrageous to the random music that comes on to make each other laugh. Well, this turned into ‘let’s perform some lipsyncing for each other’s entertainment’. Which in turn became…’let the other person pick the music at random for the unknowing lipsyncer to enter the room and perform to’. Of course that wasn’t enough. We then decided to pick each other’s outfits out of Sarah’s closet. Did I mention we were freaks?
Yes, it’s the penis for condom demos.

I made Sarah go first and I had chosen songs like ‘Jeremiah was a Bullfrog’ and ‘Love Shack’ - not realizing that ‘Love Shack’ came out when Sarah was a baby and of course the other one before she was even born. I wanted to pee my pants laughing so hard at her dancing around and trying to change her persona based on the song that came on. We played each song for about 30-45 seconds. She finally got embarrassed and sat down. I, on the other hand, being the performer that I am…was ready to go. I actually reminded me of acting class because it was all improve. Needless to say, we were fools and laughed till it hurt at one another. God did I need it. It was so good to just let go completely. I have to say, if I didn’t have Sarah an hour’s drive away from me…I probably would be home by now.
Today was spent by laying on the couch and watching more Lost. I actually don’t know why I’m re-watching the 4rd season cause it will be about a year before I get to see the 4th. But that’s what we did just the same. I made French toast for breakfast and then around 1:00 I headed to the hike point to hitch a ride back to site. Now, I have to say, the hitching gods have been working in my favor…but today, they must have been slackin’. First, I waited an hour before someone came along that was heading in my direction. Second, I got in the back of a covered truck with 6 large cases of Windhoek Lager (beer of choice here) and a bunch of groceries. There wasn’t even enough room for me to extend my legs. Then I find out, there are also 2 women and 2 children climbing into the back with me. Now it’s REALLY crowded and also REALLY obvious that the woman squatting next to me has not cleaned ‘down there’ in probably a year or two. Need I say more? And with absolutely NO air flow in the back, the heat just intensified the ‘aroma’. You have to remember, that because of the road conditions (pothole after pothole after pothole) that the trip takes longer than usual. We then stopped to add yet another person. My knees were in my throat (thank God for yoga). Ya know, if anything, at the end of these 2 years, I’ll be completely over my car sickness. Cause if this trip didn’t make me hurl…NOTHING WILL! It’s yet another one of those situations where I just started laughing to myself. It’s also one of those situations that confirms, without a shadow of a doubt, that yes, I’m gay.

Monday, Feb. 11:
I forgot to mention that yesterday I broke down and prayed. When I say I ‘broke down’, what I should say is just, that I got on my knees and prayed. Now I haven’t done that in many….MANY years. Part of the reason is that I consider myself a Buddhist. It also has to do with the fact that I don’t believe God is a person per se. Another reason is, is that I’ve gotten into this belief system that all the answers to all my questions are inside me. I do believe that for the most part. But yesterday, the desire to leave this place reached an all time high and I had no other place to turn. So I had a conversation with God. Needless to say, he remembered me.
Today, I got up, went into my office and began working on some things. Busy work. Just stuff to distract me from sitting there doing nothing. Then I decided to be pro-active and ask the universe for a favor. In other words, ask my supervisor if I can move into the doctor’s flat that has 2 bedrooms. I’ve been wanting to ask him since my first night in my place but felt I was being a selfish, spoiled American desiring more. But I realized last night, in my lowest of lows, that part of my ‘issue’ was not having a refuge to come back to at the end of each day. I live in one room. I leave this one room to enter another room and work in that room all day. Then I return to this one room. I didn’t realize how that was messing with me. So I asked my super and he said yes. He saw no problem with it. It’s just been sitting there empty since the doctor left last may and there is no replacement in sight.
My entire mood has shifted. Immediately after lunch I decided to knock-off work early and begin cleaning. The place is disgusting and hasn’t been touched in a year. So today, I spent 5 hours scrubbing my kitchen. I have cabinets. I have storage space. It gave me such pleasure to clean. Part of it was that I had something to do and part of it was that I was creating my refuge. This new place is going to give me so much pleasure and if it changes my perspective on this entire experience…is it an act of selfishness or self-preservation? In addition to all of that, Sarah texted me to say she was heading to my site to spend the night because we had meetings the next day with the agricultural guy. So not only do I have this new place to live (with an amazing view of the valley), but my friend is spending the night here and getting to see where I live AND my tomorrow is filled with meetings which will spiral into things to do for the rest of the week. Talk about answered prayer.

Tuesday, Feb. 12:
Today was a busy and productive day. These are rare and so I was very happy. We had 4 meetings today (via Sarah and Marcus) in preparation for the UMYA 2 week training for home-based health care volunteers. We met with Fanuel to discuss what was needed, met with the pastor to talk about accommodations for volunteers coming a far distance, met with the agriculture guy about the community garden projects and then met with the principal to confirm use of a room for the training. Marcus’s enthusiasm is infectious and I feel like Sarah and I are currently riding his coattails while we find our bearings. That is fine with me. My super would like me to start garden projects in at least 3 other villages after we see the success of our own. That should tide me over for the next 2 years.
I also talked to the pastor and got a quick tour of the church hostels. It’s disgusting how these children are living. No electricity, 5-6 to a small room (most with no mattresses on the beds - literally sleeping on the metal springs of the hospital bed), no storage for clothes or books (everything is just laying around), most of the windows are broken (so the rooms are bug infested), the ceilings are waterlogged and caving in or missing. It’s bad. Especially when you compare it to the hostels at the secondary school. I have an idea to try and get money either from private resources or from the ministry of education to build new hostels and possibly have them maintained by the HIV support group. That way the people living with HIV have a small income, the community will see the people working and living a ‘normal’ life and the kids staying at the hostel will grow up being taken care of people with HIV and so it will ultimately change stigma.
The rest of the day I continued to clean my new pad. I finished the kitchen and the living room and began to move some things over. The Peace Corps staff is coming tomorrow and so I don’t want to be half-way between one place and another - plus, I’m not exactly sure they would like the fact that I moved to a bigger place - regardless of my reasons. So I’m keeping it on the down-low. I finished the day with a 2 hour round of yoga, showered, ate a veggie burger and the starting working on what I call ‘The Big 100’. I’ve decided to make a list of 100 things I want to do before I die. Some things I’ve already done - like meet my birthmother - but most I haven’t. It’s just a gauge to live my life by to make sure I’m always striving for something. I’m only at 38, so I’ll continue to work on it. It includes everything from skydiving to reading the bible cover to cover to visiting all 7 natural wonders (I’ve done the Grand Canyon and will be doing Victoria Falls this year!)

Wednesday, Feb. 13:
I started out in my office, creating a giant calendar for March so I can organize everything that is happening. I was waiting for the Peace Corps personnel to arrive - not knowing exactly who was coming or when. They arrived much earlier than anticipated. They decided to come all the way to Mpungu then work their way back. It was Edward, Hannah, Stanley and 2 others who I don’t remember. They ended up being here for about an hour. It went very well. They were pleased with my progress and projects that are in the works. They also toured my living space - old and new - and were sort of jealous of the view my veranda offers of the valley. Overall, a very successful meeting.
They also had mail for me! I had 4 letters from the states - all postmarked in November of last year. That’s Africa for ya! I got an awesome letter from dad - full of encouragement and praise. Also I heard from my buddy Russ and Firebelly (that’s a story for another day) and received a Christmas card from a member of my parents’ church. I’ll say it again…mail is an amazing gift.
Russ was my workout partner in Cincy and we had begun to get close - I think he was becoming my replacement for my best mate Dave who moved to DC 5 years ago. He is either fairly intuitive or I am more transparent that I had thought. He hit a few nails on the head with things about me in his letter. He said, ‘I can already guess that your purpose for being there is to find ‘peace’ within you and to be more comfortable in your own skin as opposed to being the ‘actor’ and center of attention’. OUCH! I wasn’t angry though. As I read it and let it sink in, I acknowledged that yes, it’s true. As much as I talk about being ‘okay’ with ‘me’, there is a large part that isn’t. Maybe some of it has to do with my sexuality, maybe some has to do with not feeling attractive physically, maybe some even has to do with not feeling like an adult - but whatever it is, I’m being forced to deal with it here. I also realized that I spend a large amount of time trying to impress others in hopes of gaining their attention/approval/acceptance rather than just being myself and trusting they will like what they see. I still worry about what people think. Isn’t that ridiculous? Why should I care? And besides that, what’s with my ego thinking that everyone else is preoccupied with their feelings about me? Lol. When I let go of the need for approval of others I will truly be comfortable in my own skin.
The PC staff left around lunchtime and I decided to knock-off after than to continue the cleaning of my new place. I spent about 5 hours scrubbing the closets of my bedroom, wiping the walls, clearing the ceiling. I also finished the hallway, storage closet, all doors to all rooms and the toilet room (the toilet is separate from where you bathe). I moved some more stuff over and actually cooked dinner there. I skipped yoga cause I was tired and settled in for some 30Rock. Lyambezi stopped by and ended up watching a few episodes with me. I was pleasantly surprised to find him laughing at the same things I was. We then ended up having a conversation for about an hour. It was nice. He talked about when he went to the UK for a year of training and how he understands how I must feel being here. We even talked about personal growth and he understood the idea of life being challenging and always needing to move to the next level. I find myself slowly bonding with him and that helps to settle me even more.

Thursday, Feb. 14 - Saturday, Feb. 16:
Today the Regional Council (I’m still not exactly sure what they do specifically) was coming for a meeting at 10 and Lyambezi wanted me to be there to drop some bugs in their ears about things needed at the clinic. I was then taking off for Nkurenkuru to hike with Sarah to Rundu. I met with them very briefly and then changed clothes and headed to the hike point. Now…unless you have a guaranteed ride OUT of Mpungu, you are usually waiting for quite some time. I waited for about an hour before someone came along. The bonus was that Mark called. It was Valentine’s of course. As usual, it was great hearing his voice and catching up.
Got to Sarah’s in time for lunch but began to not feel well. My stomach was bothering me. I was surprised with a package from my friend Patty Hudepohl. And what a package it was! She went WAY overboard and I WAY appreciate it! Movies, candy, soap - even a battery operated Christmas Tree-like thing from IKEA!!!
We ate and then headed to get a hike. We waited only about 25 minutes and then climbed in the back of a closed combi along with 7 other people. I instantly knew we’d made a mistake. We were crammed into the very front, there was NO air flow and it reeked from body odor. The trip took longer because of the roads and it was extremely bumpy. I had to make a conscious effort for 2 solid hours to keep my lunch down. It was the worst experience of my life to date. There was no way I would have time to tell the driver to stop and crawl over all these people if my body decided right then and there that I was going to let go. When I’d close my eyes to make it better, I’d get vertigo from all the swerving. If I stared ahead at Sarah it made me car sick because I wasn’t facing forward. We were all sitting on a make shift bench in the back of this truck and so I couldn’t even sit straight up because of my height. Again, let me just say - WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. Far worse than even the explosive diarrhea in Grootfontein.
After the two hours of hell, I also needed to pee like you wouldn’t believe. After paying for the ride, I walked into a field to piss. Just as I unzipped and began to let go, I felt all these bites on my left foot. I looked down to see that I had stepped directly onto a fire ant hill. My foot was COVERED in ants there were all biting me at the same time. So as I tried to shake them off I ended up peeing all over myself. It was fun. I walked back across the street to tell Sarah what happened and it was then that my lunch decided to make an appearance. I ducked behind an abandoned garage and violently threw up. God I wish she had taken pictures of me.
With all that behind me, we touched base with Patrick and made our way to his house. We then ventured back out to grab some groceries for dinner and then settled in. I had forgotten my ear plugs and Patrick doesn’t own a fan, so I knew falling asleep would be difficult. Needless to say, after the day I had had, I was out like a light.
Friday Sarah and I had meetings with various organizations throughout the day - Nawa Life, Red Cross, RACOC, Ministry of Health and UMYA. It was very productive. When we were at RACOC he informed us that he had 100,000 dollars he needed to spend by the end of March with no proposals in sight. So (keep your fingers crossed), I am going to try and present a proposal to him in the next few weeks to get a fence for the garden project, money for tools, chairs for the HIV meeting room, a Fax machine for the clinic and a fridge for the rapid testing room. Here’s hoping.
We met up with Wendy, Stephanie and Justin who were also meeting people in Rundu. We had lunch with them at this great hole in the wall African restaurant. It was VERY authentic! We picked our food from various pots and ate with our hands. Then washed our hands in a communal bowl of dishwater when finished. The food was amazing!
We finished around 5. They headed back to site while Sarah and I figured out dinner. I also returned a blue tooth adapter and headphones that didn’t’ work. At Patrick’s I tried to figure out the new blue tooth USB adapter I had purchased (to no avail) and they played chess. We settled in for some Lost, then crashed.
Today (Sat.), Sarah and I headed into town to have breakfast at this wonderful little coffee shop called ‘Forget Me Not’ and then ran errands with Patrick (who met us there). I bought a non-stick skillet, plants for my flat (a guava and mango tree and a houseplant - it’s funny that things called ‘tropical houseplants’ in the states are the things that grow on the side of the road here, lol), a picture frame, a small sculpture, and hangers. We then headed to the PC office to use the internet. It was only working on one of the computers and Sarah was going to be there for quite some time, so I went and had lunch at the craft market and then caught a cab back to Patrick’s. We are making Chicken Korma for dinner and having a few people over…it should be fun. When Sarah is done at the TRC I’m going to head over there for my few hours on the net.

*emailed Saturday, Feb. 16

Sunday, Feb. 17 - Tuesday, Feb. 19:
Sunday Sarah and I decided to make it easier on John and Dinah and head into town early to do our grocery shopping and have them just meet us there. I sent Dinah a text and we headed out. We hit various stores to fill our quota and then sat down outside of OK to wait for them. Namibians think it’s very strange to see white people sitting on the ground. Sarah asked one lady why people were staring at us and she responded ‘because they think you are crazy’.
Dinah showed up and seemed irritated. Before even saying hello she said she had went to Patrick’s to pick us up. I asked if she had gotten my text and she said she didn’t check her phone until after getting there. She also looked at all our stuff and said there was a problem. They couldn’t return to Mpungu in their car, they had to leave it behind and use someone else’s. The other car was much smaller AND they were taking back two extra people. She informed Sarah and I that we would have to leave most of our stuff behind. That’s just great, lol. I had purchased houseplants, a non-stick pan, and other things in addition to my groceries. I remember that we had seen my supervisor in town the day before and so I texted him to see if he was still there. He was. He was having car problems and was at the mechanic. He wanted to know if I had $60 to pay the guy to fix his car. Now here’s the scoop with borrowing money in Namibia. It doesn’t exist. If someone asks you for money and you say you’ll loan it to them, it means you are giving it to them. The situation made me feel uncomfortable because my supervisor or people I work with are not supposed to be asking me for money. I make less than all of them. At the same time, I had contacted him to get a ride back so what do you do? I told him I was stuck at OK with my groceries and the next thing I know, he’s there. He asks again for the money and I say, okay, and try to make it clear to him that it’s a loan…that I am not giving it to him. He seems angry about that. He tells me we are going to leave late in the afternoon.
When Dinah comes out of the store, I inform her that I have made other arrangements in order to lighten the load for everyone else. She seems pleased and so they take me back to Patrick’s where I chill out for a bit. About an hour after being there, Dinah calls to tell me that they have room because one of the learners is not returning with them. So, I text my super to let him know that I now have a ride again and not to worry about me. After loading all my crap into the new car and heading out, Dinah gets a call from another VSO to see if we can take another person to Kahenge. So after all this, we are back to where we started from. You never realize how you take small things for granted - like just hopping in your car and going grocery shopping. Everything here is an ordeal.
So we re-arrange all the stuff in the back so the guy can squeeze in between all the packages. It was comical. I just kept worrying that my plants were going to get destroyed, lol. The trip back seemed to take forever and once we dropped off Sarah, I realized I had yet another bag of stuff at her place - I wasn’t leaving without it! Needless to say, we all made it back in one piece - including the plants! My afternoons back at site after spending time with other PCVs are fairly lonely. It’s coming off the high of being around people and then facing reality being back by myself. Damn I need to work through this.
Monday was the same ol’ same ol’ in the office. I did discuss the proposal to RACOC with Fanuel and Lyambezi and they had other ideas of things we could ask for.
Today was more of the same. I walked up to the school to sit in on the Life Skills class. I had met Mrs. Hamuteni a couple of weeks back and discussed the idea of me coming in and teaching some of the sex/sexuality and HIV/STD stuff when she reached that part in the text. I wanted to visit the class today to see how it is run and get a feel for what they need. It was my first experience inside a Namibian class room. All I have to say is that American youth take their education for granted. These kids don’t even get 40% of what kids in the states do. There is such a gap between education and learning here. It’s very sad. I instantly knew that I could teach a couple of the classes and make them fun and exciting. It should be fun. Why I didn’t join the Peace Corps. to teach instead of doing the health stuff, I’ll never know.
As I returned to the clinic, it dawned on me how much I was keeping to myself. What I mean by that is not venturing out every day and meeting new people and making introductions. Part of the reason is that that’s just not who I am and partly because I’m not completely comfortable with the language yet. So I asked Fanuel to make a radio announcement and hold a community meeting where I can introduce myself to as many people as possible and do some needs assessment. Needs assessment. It sounds so big business, lol. It would be nice to bond with some people so I can begin to hang out with them OUTSIDE of my flat.

Wednesday, Feb. 20:
Okay, so I’m beating a dead horse here but I’ve realized 3 things. 3 things that I am here to work on. 1. Learning to be okay being with just myself. 2. Letting go of being a control freak. 3. Learning commitment. Those are the things I am here for. Everything else I learn is just a bonus. How much am I supposed to suffer in order to grow though? If I am still miserable and lonely 6 months from now…do I continue to ‘stick’ it out in hopes of growth or is part of the growth accepting that my personality is not one that thrives in isolation? Is the acceptance of some part of myself that I may have not liked previously growth?
When I was returning to the clinic after my morning run, a gentleman starting yelling and running towards me. He informed me that the dog (Mukwetu…the one I had pseudo-adopted) was his. He then told me I should go ahead and keep the dog because she seemed very happy around me. He then proceeded to say that I should pay him 50 bucks FOR the dog. The dog that HE abandoned at the clinic. The dog that I have been feeding for 2 weeks. It was very difficult not to laugh. I told him that I did not have the money (which I don’t really) and that he should take the dog home. She was whining and very happy to see him actually. So I headed to my flat, but Mukwetu followed me. I put out her food and she looked at it and then walked away. WELL!! If you are going to be that picky about what you eat, then maybe you SHOULD return to your previous owner, lol. I will save my giant bag of dog food for the next stray that I try to adopt.
Today was a huge day at the clinic because the eye doctor who comes once a month was here. There were about 137 people lined up to get checked including about 30 learners from the secondary school. 4 girls kept staring at me and commenting and I just smiled back. Later in the morning, I noticed them hovering outside my office door. I told them to come on in and they did and just stood there. I asked if I could help them and they said they wanted to make an appointment to see me later that afternoon. I told them then didn’t need one and to just stop by.
I had decided to have lunch with Fanuel and Gideon somewhere in Mpungu. They had told me of a place (a ‘sort of’ restaurant) where I could buy food. I figured what better way to meet more people. I got a scoop of potato salad and rice on a plate that literally someone had just handed back to them and I had watched as the woman dropped it into a tub of dirty dishwater and then just wiped it off with a rag. It just makes me smile to think of the things we take for granted in the US. I realize I was very down on the US for the past couple of years but trust me…I LOVE my country. I LOVE it more having lived this short time in another one.
The girls stopped by as they said they would and then just sat on my bed (the only seating available in my office right now). I asked them what they wanted but they just giggled and looked at the ground. I just sat there and waited. Finally, one girl spoke up and asked me what she should do - she has 2 boyfriends and loves them both and doesn’t want to hurt either one. It was cute. I’m thinking to myself…hell, you have two and I haven’t gotten laid in 4 months! Lol. I gave her what I considered to be solid advice and then we were back to silence. Her eyes began to fill up with tears and she then asked me what she should do about her stepmother. She loves and respects her stepmother but is treated very badly by her. There is a lot of verbal abuse..nothing physical. From the conversation it seemed to me that the stepmother is jealous of the relationship this girl has with her father. What do you say? This girl is 18 and so in the states I would say, let it go, you’ll be leaving for college soon and won’t have to worry about it. That’s not the reality here. The reality is that she might be stuck with this woman for a very long time. I told her she needs to know that it’s not HER, that SHE is doing nothing wrong. The issue lies with the stepmother. That unfortunately this young girl is going to have to be the grown up and learn to tune out the verbal abuse. I told her to kill her stepmother with kindness. Ultimately the experience will make her stronger and if she takes the high road, she will always feel good about herself. I reminded her that she is a strong, confident, intelligent, beautiful young lady and that nothing anyone tells her should keep her from believing that. The entire time she was just weeping and it was VERY difficult for me to not cry as well. When I was finished, I asked if she understood what I had said and she said yes. I asked if I could give her a hug and she very reluctantly agreed. I may have been stepping over customary lines with the hug, but I didn’t give a shit. If the girl walks away and feels better. Feels as though 1 person understands her and accepts her, then it was worth it.
The other girls had a few questions about sex (of course) and then they were curious about me and if I was friends with any celebrities (since I’m from the US and we are ALL friends with celebrities). I assured them that I did not know 50 Cent personally and sent them on their way. Outside of planting gardens and starting income generating projects here in Mpungu…I realize that THIS is the reason I am here. To be an ear for the young (and possibly older) people. Could it be that I am very slowly (very, very, very slowly) figuring out my purpose?

Thursday, Feb. 21:
Today we had a community meeting scheduled to present a drama from the buddy group about PMTCT (pregnant mother to child transmission). It had been scheduled for 2 but the pastor felt that by that time most of the community would be drunk, so we should move it to noon. That’s Namibia for ya. It ended up starting at 12:30 and though I wanted to utilize about 10 minutes to introduce myself to them and speak a little bit about what I am doing here as PCV, I ended up talking to them for about an hour. They had questions - many of which I did not have the answers to. It was good though because later today when I was headed up to the school for dinner, a woman getting her hair braided said ‘Ngurova Chaz’, lol. The meeting ran until about 2:30 and by then my blood sugar had dropped. I went home for a quick lunch and then took a nap.
Dinner (fish cakes and pasta) and conversation was good. I returned to my flat and ran into Lyambezi who said he had been trying desperately to get a hold of me. He had heard I had a headache and had went to lie down and was worried I might have malaria. Awe..how cute.

Friday, Feb. 22 - Sunday, Feb. 24:
My supervisor left for 2 weeks this morning which on one side alleviates a certain amount of pressure and on another, really causes me to work on figuring out what to do during that time. I kinda like being on my own that way. I knocked off work early today in order to clean the spare room for Sarah. I am so excited she is coming here for the weekend. We truly have so much fun together and it causes those feelings of isolation to subside momentarily. I know they will eventually completely go away…I am just growing impatient with them. I ended up with enough time for cleaning and a round of yoga. She texted m to let me know the car she got a hike with caught on fire so they were on the side of the road pouring water onto the engine. I assumed this meant she was stranded but moments later she was on the road again.
Friday night we made lentil burgers and played cards (I introduced her to Spite & Malice) and got a little goofy. I basically got tipsy on some brandy and 7-up which only increased the hilarity of the evening.
Saturday we slept in, made pancakes and read for a bit. After lunch Alex and Christine came down to get their mail, help m with my Bluetooth connection on my PC (to no avail) and hang out a bit. Around 2:30 the power went out. It did not come on the rest of the day - so watching a movie was out of the question. We found our own fun though… Dinner was a salad and cold, refried beans. We then played around with the camera - taking photos with low aperture settings while we danced around with my headlamp and battery operated Christmas lights. We are freaks.
Sunday the electric was still off so breakfast consisted of fruit cocktail (from a can), some leftover banana chips and bread…..YUM! We broke out Othello and played a few games. After a good 45-minute run we had lunch and then headed out to the hike point. After 2 hours and fear of lightening, we decided to call it quits and figured she’d find a ride the next day. While we had been waiting though we had entertained ourselves (and a few locals awaiting rides) by singing via her ipod.
On the walk back, a car past that was heading to her site so WA-LA, she had her ride home. The rest of the day after I leave her place or she mine, gets very lonely. One thing I have gotten in touché with this weekend is that I’m not good with solitude. That’s the bottom line. Solitude. It’s something I think most people seek out in life but for me, it’s very uncomfortable. It amplifies all the other negative feelings that pop up - my insecurities, my homesickness, my questions of purpose. I thought that doing yoga and meditating every day would help to alleviate it, but it hasn’t. Or at least not to the point that I can recognize there has been a shift. I’m going to start chanting to see if that will help. Why would a 40-year old man be afraid of solitude????????
Monday, Feb. 25:
I don’t get many things right the first time, in fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day, that I first saw your lovely face. Now I see it every day. And I know…that I am…I am….I am, the luckiest. What if I’d been born, 50 years before you, in a house, on the street where you live. Maybe I’d be outside as you past on your bike, would I know? And then I’d see your eyes, I’d see one pair that I recognize. And I’d know...that I am….I am….I am, the luckiest. I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. Next door, there’s an old man who lived to his 90s and one day, past away, in his sleep. And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and past away. I’m sorry, I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong. That I know…that I am….I am….I am, the luckiest.
Those are the lyrics to ‘The Luckiest’ by Ben Folds. The song has been stuck in my head most of the day. Not sure whether it’s making me think of Mark, or myself, or Namibia or what. But it’s in my head. Download and listen to it. It’s haunting and moving and well…STUCK in my head.
Today I worked on the Rukwangali textbook, starting working on a proposal to get supplies for the garden, received confirmation that we can proceed forward with the project by NamWater, and putzed around my office. I did have a visit by a young man who wants me to help him with his resume. He’s applying to the ministry of defense at a navigator. I’m not sure why he thought I could help him nor am I sure it necessarily falls in my job description (lol), but…it is community service. If I can help this young kid get a good job and make his way out of this desolation, then hey, it’s what I’m here for.
90 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of meditation and a walk and I’m settling in for the night. Pasta anyone?

Tuesday, Feb 26:
Karel came by the office for me to help him with his resume. He seems like such a good kid with a solid head on his shoulders, I hope this helps him get into a more stable job. We talked about Mpungu and he mentioned how bored he was with this place (a man after my own heart, lol), so I invite him over to watch a movie with me later tonight. Maybe this is the first real friend I will make here and help to alleviate some of the loneliness.
I worked on language for a couple of hours - I have decided to incorporate that into each day. I also had Fanuel make a radio announcement to get all the support groups together tomorrow because I needed to discuss updates about the garden with them. I also met with the Red Cross representative from Rundu along with Fanuel to discuss how things are going with counseling. I offered him some suggestions and reminded him how important it is that we get rapid testing here ASAP. He is all about it, so hopefully by June.
For some reason at the end of the day I had entered a funk that I couldn’t snap out of. I had the phone in my hand and was getting ready to place a call to VSN. VSN is Volunteer Support Network and is a group of current PCVs who have had some training in listening and counseling. They are here for the rest of the PCVs who may have trouble with loneliness, homesickness, etc. I’ve talked a lot of my shit out with Sarah, but thought it might be nice to speak to someone who has been here a year. I decided to do yoga and chant for a bit and that seemed to bring me out of it. I then checked Facebook and found a message from my friend Doug Dickenson. He brought up a point to me that seemed so obvious that I feel really stupid that I didn’t figure it out myself. He said that he noticed in my journal entries that this experience seemed to be ‘all about me’. At first I was like, well, of course it is. I came here for growth. To stretch myself. He then said…Peace Corps is all about service to others. It’s about giving of yourself completely in volunteerism. DUH! I have been so focused on what I am learning, how I am growing, how I am changing, that I have lost the real focus for being here - to serve others and humanity. It seemed so simple…so right under my nose…but I couldn’t see it. Well, needless to say I felt a shift internally. I’m hoping this is the shift I’ve been looking for. It’s not to say that I still won’t get lonely…won’t get homesick…won’t get bored with nothing to do...that will all still happen at times. But then I’ll remind myself why I am here and hopefully that will continue to bring me out.
Karel came by around 8 and we watched X-Men 2. He said he has seen the first and third, but not this one. It was nice to hang out with someone, even though the conversation was brief. He did say something I thought was strange…he asked me if I knew any famous people (actors) personally. I said no. He said that he didn’t like them. He said that they all had something wrong with their heads. I laughed and asked why he thought that. He said that they all ‘take the cocaine’ and are not responsible. Lol. You can see the type of news he receives about American here in Namibia. I assured him that not all actors, musicians and hip-hop artists are drug users, but he was not convinced. Kept saying ‘I don’t like them’. I chose not to mention that I was taking acting classes or had a desire to be on TV someday.

Wednesday, Feb. 27:
I’m beginning to hate the days where I have to take the Mefloquine. This medication is so friggin’ toxic and I always end up with a fever the next day. Guess it’s better than the alternative, right?
I worked on the textbook for awhile today and then had a meeting with the support group, ELCIN AIDS Action, TCE, and the buddy group. I needed to talk to them about the current status of the garden and to have them elect a committee to be in charge of organization. The meeting went well and after 2 hours, we had our committee and our next meeting scheduled. I then returned to my flat, did some yoga, wrote some letters, and settled in for a movie.

Thursday, Feb. 28 - Friday, Feb. 29:
Thursday consisted of a little of this and a little of that, with me working from home - working mainly on Rukwangali. Fanuel stopped by at one point to ask my help with creating a line graph that will show the consistency of people coming in for pre- and post-test counseling. First of all I was impression he had hand-drawn a line graph (that he knew what it was). Second, I didn’t know if I had the ability to do that with this computer but told him I would work on it. I eventually figured it out and then realized I should have had him by my side the entire time. So I tracked him down and brought him back to explain what I did and how we can store this on my computer til the end of each month when he needs a print out. Man I hope I can get a printer/copier/fax machine for the clinic - it will make life a tad easier for us all.
Something interesting happened today. I was cleaning out my storage locker and putting some manuals and books on a shelf when the medical handbook from the Peace Corps. fell out of my hand and onto the floor. It opened up directly to the section on Culture Shock. I began to ready about it and it was like a light bulb went off inside my head. I was currently experiencing almost every symptom of severe Culture Shock. Of course I was. God self-diagnosis is a wonderful thing.
I had scheduled a meeting with the boys at the school to discuss the possibility of starting a boy’s club. I was supposed to meet with them from 5-6, but upon arrival at the school, realized that the principal had not made an announcement to that fact and so no one showed up. I went to hang out with Alex and Christine at the TRC, hoping Alex could help me with the Bluetooth thing on the computer and also get some games and movies from his hard drive. We then all had dinner and I walked home.
When I returned I noticed about 12 miss-calls and realized that Joseph, Sarah’s counterpart had been trying to get a hold of me all night. He was in Mpungu because his girlfriend was in the clinic here and needed a place to crash. I walked over and told him he could absolutely stay here and so he came over later and we watched a movie together. We decided to hike to Nkurenkuru in the morning together.
In the morning, I had planned on heading out to the hike point around 8, but he wanted to leave earlier, so I stayed behind and made breakfast. I then thought that maybe I should try to get out there earlier and so headed out around 7. On the walk to the point, I actually got a ride, though it was only going to be halfway. Better than nothing, right? The roads were good and we made it in no time. At the halfway point, there was already another vehicle loading and so I jumped from one car to another. Overall, it was one of the fastest, easiest hikes I’ve gotten so far.
Sarah was working out of her home, so we hung most of the day. I ran some errands when she had a few meetings, but otherwise it was low-key.