What the F?

My mind is no where NEAR what it used to be after melting in the African sun. I honesly can't believe I haven't posted since June!!! Like I said, what the f? Well, here goes...

Friday, May 29 - Wednesday, June 10:
The past few weeks have been a lot of the same ol’ same ol’. I finally released all the stress around our garden. I gave up all control to them. I explained that for a year we have been trying to get a garden going but no one has taken ownership. Everyone comes up with excuses when it comes time to water. From now on, those interested in being a part of the garden, will have their own individual plots. Thus, if they don’t water and care for their plots and the crop dies, they don’t get any more seeds. The highlight of the past few weeks was being able to fly a kite. That sounds silly, eh? I had been sent 2 great kites from my friend Peter and never had a day with a good wind to get it off the group. The other day it was gusty and perfect. The best part about it, was that a Sans man happened to walk by and was mesmerized by the whole thing. I gave him the string and let him control it. His eyes lit up and his smile broadened. I will never take the phrase ‘go fly a kite’ lightly again.

Thursday, June 11 - Tuesday, June23:
Monotony…routine… As I close in on 5 remaining months, I find myself running out of things to do. Between now and August, I must release control over my main projects and slip into a supportive role for my last 3 months. I need to make sure they are running on their own without any help from me. That everyone is thinking for themselves. That also means that the last 3 months will be REALLY boring. I have decided to finish the Rukwangali dictionary that I started last year AND seeing that yesterday a bulldozer knocked down a couple dead trees AND the building we had started demolishing a year ago, I’ve decided that I will re-visit my clinic beautification project.
As things start to come down to the wire, I have - a few times - gone to that dark, comparing, ‘did I do everything I could’, ‘I’m such a failure’ place. I quickly sms’ed some friends and they brought me out quickly. I refuse to leave here thinking I didn’t do enough or should have done something better. I have done everything to the best of my ability and the lives of these people are changed because of it. I have faith in that. I NEED to have faith in that.

Wednesday, June 24 - Monday, July 13:
It’s really that my life hasn’t become so busy that I cannot keep up with my journaling. Seriously. That’s not it. It’s more that this is just my life now and the things that used to ‘stand out’ in a given day or make life more interesting are now just a part of the ordinary. From time to time, small things occur that remind me that I’m actually living in Africa and I can’t just get in my car and drive to Wendy’s for a frosty.
I will mention something that struck me a few weeks…well, actually about a month ago. During NID (National Immunization Days) I helped out at the clinic keeping statistics and paperwork. I also took sweets with me and whenever it was time for a child to get a shot, I gave them candy. At one point I look up at the line of children waiting their turn and I see the cutest, most adorable little girl. She sees me and I smile big and her eyes twinkle and she smiles so big she has to close her eyes. She then turns her head into her mother’s dress to hide from embarrassment. This little girl is from a nearby San community. This little girl has Down’s Syndrome. It was so apparent to me. She lit up my WHOLE day! We played and joked with one another the entire time she was waiting and then she was gone.
I spent the rest of the day in such a funk. The realization of the life this little girl has ahead of her made me so incredibly sad. She already is living in one of the poorest communities within one of the poorest African countries. She then has a mental disability to boot. I’m sure her mother sees there is something different about her, but there is NO way she understands what it is or even if it was explained, would grasp the special attention this girl is going to need.
I had watched her mother - with all 4 children in tow - walk away from the clinic. She was treating the little girl like a piece of dirt on her dress. To her, she just has a daughter that doesn’t listen to what she says and is just a nuisance. I know the way things work here. This little girl is going to be ‘discarded’ emotionally. Her parents will continue to be frustrated with her and ignore her as she doesn’t advance like their other kids. People will get drunk and make fun of her. When she becomes a teenager and her body develops, she will become a target for some drunk fuck and she will be raped.
I realize how that sounds. It sounds as if I’m a pessimist and just seeing the absolute worst scenario I could possibly imagine. But the reality, is that it’s NOT far from the truth. This will be her life.
I’ve seen her a couple of times since then. I always drop what I’m doing and go to her and she raises her little hands for me to pick up. She just stares at me and smiles and touches my face with her filthy little fingers. I am falling in love with this little girl. I want to just pluck her up from her current reality and give her a better life. I realize when most people do this or consider doing this by adopting children from 3rd world countries, that it’s SUCH an American ego thing to do. Who are WE to decide that what we can give a child is ‘better’. Better than what? It’s US doing the comparison of our lives in the states to their lives in their own countries. BUT!!!!!!! I do have to say. In this particular case. I can’t imagine that anything I could give this child would be worse than the life she has ahead of her.
When I see things like this, it makes me question the existence of God. I consider myself a spiritual person and have always believed there is a higher power - call it whatever you want. Not a guy with a book and a #2 pencil, but a power just the same. I’ve also always believed that this power is all loving, just, tender and kind. But….how does something like this situation fit into the scheme of the world? How can the majority of the world go about it’s daily life, when THIS is going on in the world at the same time? It just confuses me.

Tuesday, July 14 - Saturday, July 18:
I’m sitting here, Saturday night, waiting for my vegetables to finish roasting and then settling in for dinner and a movie. Sounds like I’m back in the states actually. I’m having one of those moments where the weight of my experience here is weighing heavily down on me.
Have I done enough? Could I have done what I DID do better? Could I still do more? What will happen after I leave? Have I learned what I came here to? Do I have more growing to do? Oddly enough, I’ve been thinking about Mark. Not in the since that I am deeply missing him. I do miss him. More in the sense of thinking about our relationship. Heck, I’m actually thinking about ALL my past relationships. So new questions arise…why am I afraid to love? Afraid to accept love from someone else? Why is my self-esteem and worth so low? What can I do to change those things? AND…while I ponder those questions…revelations come forth. I am a strong, confident man. Secure in himself, his decisions, his actions…his life. Sort of a dichotomy.
I have promised myself that when I finish my PC service and return home, that I’m going to do and approach things very differently - ESPECIALLY relationships. I think back to the men I’ve dated and the majority of them REALLY, TRULY loved me. Loved me with all their heart. I’ve had A LOT of love thrown my way in my life. And for the most part, I’ve rejected it. I know most of the reasons why and I don’t want to rehash the same old shit. I just want to move forward. How does one do that? If I’ve learned from my past, how do I put it aside and move forward? Is it always something will just be hanging around - like the 3 people Russell Crowe kept seeing in ‘A Beautiful Mind’? Is that what our past is? Ghosts. Ghosts that haunt us until we die? Is it more about not giving them the power they used to have over us than it is about completely eliminating them?
I deserve love and happiness, just like everyone else. I do believe that. More so these days than ever before.
I guess I’m just trying to get to a place emotionally so that when I leave Mpungu Vlei on November 27, 2009 that I walk away crying with a smile on my face. Knowing with my whole heart that I did what I came here to do. Knowing that myself and those I leave behind have been touched by my presence here. Knowing that I did my best. Knowing that I leave behind many demons that I trampled in the isolation. Knowing that I am a stronger, more confident, more secure man that I was when I arrived. Knowing that I will return to the States a changed person. Knowing that I can give and receive love. Knowing that whatever lies ahead of me is going to be an amazing, powerful adventure. Knowing that I know….that I know.

Sunday, July 19 - Monday, July 27:
Couple highlights of the past week. First, and the best, is that Hogan now loves riding on my shoulders. You would think this would be a pretty standard place to put children under the age of 3. What I’ve discovered is that in Namibia, it is not. Just about everyone just laughs out loud when they see him and I walking around. The best part, is that when they laugh, he laughs. He has also decided that my head makes the perfect drum and just screams with delight as he bangs on it with his hands.
The other, and well I guess this is more of a low point, than a highlight…but it sticks out just the same. I’ve talked about the feeding program that we have been trying to get off the ground for a few months now. So far, it’s running smooth. We do come across snags from time to time and have worked through them. One of the biggest snags is that the managing catering company that ‘runs’ the kitchen keeps placing enforcing all these new rules. That’s fine. Cleanliness is important. Problem is, is that Lyambezi doesn’t monitor the actual kitchen staff when the company isn’t around and so when I try to enforce the rules with the 2 ladies running the feeding program, I get flack.
Well, I finally talked to them and said, no matter what anyone else does, let’s set the example. We don’t want to be kicked out for something stupid. They understood. And they have been. Well, yesterday, the head guy was here. Lyambezi informed me that we could no longer use the kitchen? When asked why, he said we weren’t following the rules. I was furious. I explained to him that we were. He had an idea to move the gas stove to another area so we wouldn’t be IN the kitchen.
He started talking to the manager again. I waited for a low point in the conversation to stand up for my women. I had only said a few words when the man started yelling at me and trying to make me feel like an ass. ‘Who are you to talk to me this way? I don’t even know you? You need to learn how things are done here! Don’t talk to me’. And other things. Also, never even acknowledging me or looking me in the face. Well…anyone who knows me KNOWS I don’t like confrontation like this and whe it happens, something in me snaps and I can’t keep my mouth shut. It took ALL MY CONTROL to not lash out at him. But…I swallowed my pride, kissed his ass for several minutes and resolved the issue. The issue was resolved in a few sentences which if he would have just listened to me from the get go, could have saved me feeling like shit. I have to say…it’s times like this I just want to give Namibia the finger and walk away. It’s times like this that my ego jumps in and says ‘HEY, I came 9,000 miles and gave up 2 years of my life to help this country out and this is how you treat me in return?’. I realize it’s a childish place to retreat to, but I’m only human and being so, I allow myself to go to those places from time to time - at least until I evolve to a place where I no longer need to. When will that be by the way?

Tuesday, July 28 - Sunday , August 16:
I am absolutely blown away at how fast time is moving here. I blink and 2 weeks have passed. Things have been going very well. A small hiccup from time to time, but otherwise, smooth. We finally got the projector back and the theater is up and running again, so that’s great! The big news is how the next 30 days of my life is going to go.
Tuesday, is our end of term OVC party, so I will be cooking most of the day tomorrow for that. I already backed one cake today. Wednesday I will pack and clean and prepare to depart Thursday. When Damien finishes school, we will travel to Rundu for the night, then head to the Cheetah Conservation Fund on Friday. We are going to spend the weekend monitoring cheetahs - and hopefully feeding some babies. I’m MORE excited for Damien having this experience than myself.
Sunday we will hike back to Rundu where I will put him on a bakki heading back to Mpungu. I will remain to prepare for teaching an HIV workshop the entire next week. The workshop ends on Friday and then I head to Ovamboland for holiday. My holiday will end in Windhoek on September 7 because I have my COS conference with PC on the 8th and 9th. On the 10th, Dar and I will head to the Okavango Delta in Botswana for a few days as I make my way back north. Once back in Namibia, I will stay in Divundu for a weeklong micro-garden workshop. I have to arrange transport in the next few days for the 3 colleagues of mine from Mpungu that will be meeting me there. That training ends on the 18th of September. My fear, is that the EWA conference that has been postponed since June, will then start on the 18th, which means I have to try and get the 4 learners from Mpungu to Rundu on the last day of the workshop that I’m attending in Divundu. Whew. I’m tired just thinking about it. I know it will all work out it’s just scary to think how packed the next 4 weeks are. Once I return to site, I have 2 months left. 2 months! Whew again.

Monday, August 17 - Sunday, August 23:
This past week has been very busy getting ready to leave on Thursday with Damien. I spent the rest of Sunday baking one of the orange cakes and then Monday baking the other and cooking the lentil curry and pasta salad for the OVC Party on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and it was exhausting and yet the most fun I’ve had in quite some time. We had a water balloon toss, played a Rukwangali version of Pictionary that I made and ate and watched a movie. The kids had a blast!
Wednesday was a day of tying up loose ends. I tried to make sure everything was set - the movie theater, the feeding program, etc - to run smoothly while I was gone. With everything in order, I felt comfortable leaving for a month.
Thursday, I finished packing and waited for Damien to get done with his exams at school so we could head to the hike point. Around 9:30 he arrived, we loaded up and headed out. Within a few minutes of just walking on the road, we snagged a ride to Nepara. Within moments of there, we caught a ride to Nkurenkuru. I was very excited for Damien to be with me because that was as far as he’s ever been his whole life.
Once we were on our hike to Rundu, it was great fun watching him watch everything! He’d never even seen a tarred road before. Once there, we dropped our stuff off at the TRC and then walked into town to get him some lunch. He was taking everything in. We ate and then bought some groceries for the hike the next day. I’ve been worried about trying to free hike with him - not sure how it was going to work. We ran into Rachel and Caleb who, we found out, had a ride to Groot the next day and the ride was going all the way to Windhoek, so Damien and I were set for Otjiworongo.
Friday, we arrived there fairly quick and met up with Rachel and Kami who were also doing the waterhole count. We hung around Otji for a few hours until Nick and the staff came to pick us up. We made it out to the Conservation just as it got dark, were treated to a great dinner and then some instructions for the next day. They we were taken to the camp to sleep.
Saturday, we were up very early in order to be transported to our particular waterhole. The place where Damien and I were going to be for the next 12 hours was the first stop. We made ourselves comfortable in our little building and began the wait. It wasn’t long before the first few foxes showed up. This was followed by warthogs. At first the warthogs were sort of interesting but throughout the day, and after a couple thousand of them arriving, they became old news.
The day was filled with surprises for both Damien and I. We saw a whole herd of Oryx - which are my favorite animal in the country. They are beautiful. We then saw some zebra and a few giraffes stopped by. They were the first Damien had ever seen. More than seeing the animals, I enjoyed spending the time with Damien. One on one - he and I spent a lot of time talking and he was very good at spotting the animals and letting me know what sex they were. I was disappointed that he didn’t get to see any cheetahs cause it’s all he talked about.
After 12 hours - which actually FLEW by, we were picked up and taken back to the main house where dinner was waiting. After a quick review of the day, we all crashed. Sunday, after breakfast, they took us on a brief tour of the place including getting to see a ‘running’ of the cheetahs. The younger ones were not allowed to go in because cheetahs can sense youth and because very aggressive - seeing them as prey. When we walked by the cages, I noticed one of the cheetahs keeping an eye on Damien so I was glad they pulled him out. It was still very thrilling for him to see them so close.
Afterwards, Nick had us stay around because he had something extra special for the PC group. We got to return to the pen with them and hang out a bit - petting them and having our pictures taken. Though I had done that before, it was still quite fun. When finished with that, Nick presented us with certificates and T-shirts for the 2 learners that came. Though Damien was overwhelmed and somewhat shy, I could tell he had a really good time over the past few days. We were then transported to Otjiworongo to hike back to Rundu. We got a lift really quick when we ran into Kerri on her way back from dropping off Cedar. We arrived too late for me to get Damien a ride back to Mpungu, so we just decided to send him back on Monday.

Monday, August 24 - Saturday, September 12:
I got up early wand walked Damien to the bakki ring, gave him money for the hike and said goodbye. I then went to the TRC to plan the first day of the HIV workshop. Though I was nervous about it, I was also excited because I was challenging myself. I’m glad I haven’t done a lot of workshops since I’ve been here because for me, they are quite boring…but this one was going to be fun.
The next week was spent about the same every day. The morning working on the plan for that afternoon, then spending 2 hours in the classroom with the group. They were a good group and after a few days, we had found our groove. The class went well and I was somewhat impressed with myself that I was able to sort of, pull it out of my ass.
Having not talked to Sarah about her specific plans, I was unaware that she and her cousin from England who was visiting, were heading to Oshikati on the back road. I had planned on hiking down on Monday, after spending the weekend with Kami at the Buffalo Game Park. I quickly changed my plan (for sake of a free ride) and switched my afternoon session with a morning one so I could hike back to Nkurenkuru and ride with them on Saturday.
It was fun to finally see that strip of road that I had stared at on the map for the last 2 years. I had been trying to get in touch with my friend Kris for the past few weeks - to no avail, so I was smsing Kengo and made plans to stay with him in Odangwa. At the last minute, Kris phoned and asked me to PLEASE stop by with the girls. We did and she had a little lunch set out for us. After eating, the girls left and I stayed with Kris. It was awesome to catch up with her. After some discussion, it was decided that I would borrow her car for the remainder of my trip, because she needed her car to be in Windhoek in the next few weeks.
Sunday we went to ‘Benny’s’ Park which was like a waterpark - pool, slide, animals in cages. It was sort of tacky beyond all belief and yet I hadn’t seen anything like it since being here…so I enjoyed it. Monday, I hiked to Opuwo via Ruacana, to spend a day or 2 with Obie and see the Hemba. I was a long day and yet very interesting one. At one point I was picked up by an Indian guy who took me to his shop for an easier hike. He introduced me to a Cuban guy who could give me a lift and while standing around talking, a Pakistani came up and joined the conversation. The Indian guy then made a comment about how we were all from different parts of the world - some parts that didn’t get along with others - and yet here we were all far from home, having a conversation and getting along. The Cuban then said that it was the governments that fight, not the people. It was a very cool 5 minutes.
By dusk I had made it to Opuwo - passing the Diversity bus along the way. Opuwo is a very touristy place because of the traditional Hemba. I took a bucket bath because the water was off at the house and settled in for the night. The next day I went out exploring while Obie worked. I ended up sitting for a few hours outside the grocery store talking to some street kids. They hung out there and offered to watch people’s cars for a dollar. They were trying to convince me that they used the money to support their families but as I watch and commented to them, whenever they got a few bucks, it would quickly be spent on sweets and biscuits. I think what they really need is attention…much more than money. If I did a full 2 years of PC again, I would HAVE to be at an orphanage or working specifically with kids. That’s where my heart is. Maybe that’s where I’ll look for a job back in the states.
That night Obie and I walked up the hill to a nice lodge to have a beer and watch the sunset. The next morning I got up early to catch a hike back to Oshikati. I got one right away with the mayor of Opuwo and within a few hours, was back at Kris’s. I did some laundry, worked out, had lunch and chilled waiting for her to get back from Tsumeb with her car. We chillaxed the remainder of the day and the next I took off to Etosha. It was a little nerve wracking driving at first - not having driven in almost 2 years AND driving with the steering wheel on a different side AND on a different side of the road. After about an hour, I relaxed and it because old hat.
Entering Etosha was breathtaking. I had done a safari before - when I first got to Namibia - but it was much different driving through a game park at your own pace. I quickly saw Zebra and Oryx and many other antelope type animals. I stopped at the main lodge for petrol to discover they were out of unleaded. I was told I could use that leaded and it would be fine. I only filled up a little. For the next several hours I wound my way through the park. Seeing herds of giraffe walking along the plains was brilliant. By the end of the day when I had given up hope seeing elephants or rhinos, I came upon a water hole were 8 large packiderms were hanging out. Wow. Sitting there in the car, just watching these magnificent animals drink and play. The trip was made! At one point it looked as though 2 might actually be courting one another. When the one got an erection, it was quite funny to the crowd of people that had gathered.
I made my way to Outjo by nightfall and took a room at a guesthouse. It’s been such a sense of freedom driving my own car today. Having to rely on other people for the past 2 years for rides to everywhere, you sort of loose your sense of self. This was the first time I’d felt really ‘in control’ of my life in FAR too long. It was brilliant.
The next day I filled up the car and headed to the Skeleton Coast. I stopped by the entrance to the petrified forest and bought some crafts. As I continued my journal westward there were fewer and fewer people and the landscape became ‘Mars’ like. It was beautiful. Upon entering Skeleton Coast Park, it became even more beautiful. The mountains replaced by large sand dune and the temperature dropping at least 10 degrees. I became concerned that I might run out of gas and be stuck here in the middle of nowhere. The man at the gate assured me I could purchase petrol at Mile 108. Once I got there and asked if they had it, they said they did. They then informed me that there was no electricity so they couldn’t pump it. Lol. So I’m thinking I’m screwed. The attendant (who was living in a place that reminded me of the Martian Chronicles), said that Cape Cross lodge carried petrol and they were 40k away. I got in my car and prayed. The marker was right above the E. Could I make it? Let’s see. I drove quickly, counting the miles as I went. Just as the petrol light came on, I saw the entrance to the lodge. I pulled in with great relief.
Once there, I discovered that they charge DOUBLE for petrol what a regular station does. I was furious and yet laughing the whole time. I even told they guy how clever it was that they do that - SCREW people who are in dire situations. He just laughed, not understanding that I was slamming him in the process. At 14 dollars a liter, I could only buy 5 - hoping that was enough to get me 50k to Hentie’s Baai. It was.
Outside of the concern about running out of gas, the drive was amazing. It was some of the most beautiful parts of the country I had seen yet. And seriously…if they faked the lunar landing of the 60s…they did it here!
I arrived in Swakopmund later that day and crashed at my friend Denver’s. The next day I met up with some other PCVs staying there and we drove to Walvis Bay to see and climb Dune 7. Though it’s not the biggest Dune in Namibia (or the world for that matter), it is one of the most famous. It was exhausting! Trying to make it to the top. I felt so out of shape. When we did make it, the views were spectacular.
That night we had sushi and I crashed on the floor. NOT the most comfortable and restful sleep I’ve had, I will say. The next day people were leaving and I had planned on heading back to Windhoek to hang with Shimon for a day. I was quickly talked into staying in Usakos because some Japanese volunteers were going to teach us how to make sushi. How can one pass that up? It ended up being another amazing night of cultural diversity. The JIKA volunteers were amazing and hell, I learned to make sushi. I cannot wait to try doing it on my own.
The next morning, Chris, Eric, Nick and I headed to Windhoek. We decided to stop by Okahandja and say hello to the newest group (Group 30) who had just arrived a few weeks earlier. We were scolded later by PC for just ‘stopping by’ which I felt was absurd. I then drove to Windhoek and dropped them at the PC office with the bags while I returned the car. It ended up all working out that we made the movie ‘District 9’ without a hitch. The movie was great and I think even more so because we understand apartheid and ‘locations’ more so from living here.
The next 2 days were spent at the Safari Hotel for COS conference. It was a lot of paperwork, a lot of contemplation and a lot of food. Each meal was an all you can eat buffet Of course we went crazy but at the same time, I felt guilty. I am vowing not to eat at those type of places upon returning to the states. Time was also spent gathering new media for the next few months at site. Wow…’few months at site’. Seems weird that it’s finally down to that.
Sarah and I stayed in Windhoek for an extra day for different reasons and I saw another movie. Yesterday we hiked back to Rundu (it feels very good to be back in the north). I forgot to mention that from Swakopmund to Windhoek I was sick. Stuffed up and coughing. The first time I’d been sick this entire time. Only now and I starting to feel better.
I’m ready to be home (at site) and finish my final months here. There’s a lot to be done - in preparation for leaving - and I need to emotionally get myself ready. There are many things I’m going to miss about Namibia and sure, many things I won’t. Overall, I’m going to miss my OVCs. I’ve grown very attached to them and they me.

Sunday, September 13 - Sunday, September 20:
Well…this first week back to site has been hellish and probably the worst since I’ve been here - with it hitting it’s crescendo on Thursday morning. Here goes…
Not sure if I had mentioned that while I was gone there was a problem with people being able to access the garden tools because VCT Fanuel had kept the key. Also, my supervisor took a teaching position at the teacher’s college in Rundu and left Mpungu. So I come back knowing I have to face Fanuel AND do it alone…sort of.
So, Monday I go to his office to ask about some things and he lays into me. Starts accusing me of all sorts of things and lying about things that he hasn’t done that I know he has. What made it more frustrating is that I had no support in the matter. Lyambezi is gone and Elizabeth, the new supervisor, was in Rundu all week. Fanuel was telling me he wouldn’t give me the money from the past event, telling me he wouldn’t tell me who won the suitcase from the drawing (someone had told me HE took it home) and our conversation just ended in a stalemate. He also wanted me to provide proof of the deposits that I was making on behalf of Veronica’s loan payment - it became obvious quickly to me that he was taking advantage of Lyambezi not being here. He was trying to get everything he could - a suitcase, get out of paying me money his wife owes me and God knows what else.
So the meat of the week I did nothing. I wasn’t supposed to be here because of the garden training, but it had been cancelled. So I wasn’t meeting with my OVCs. I asked Fanuel to make a radio announcement so that we could have a meeting on Thursday and discuss all these issues. On Thursday, no one showed. That didn’t surprise me at all but it was still irritating because I felt these things needed to be addressed quickly - before they got too out of hand. Fanuel did come to my house to tell me no one was showing up and he and I got into it. We went back and forth for about an hour. By the end, when he left, I was so emotionally drained. I just felt like ‘what the fuck?’. Everything I’ve done since I’ve been here has not been for me. It has been for the good of the people here and the community and to be accused of stealing or lying and letting people down? I was naked.
I decided very quickly that I needed to get away. I packed a bag and headed to the hike point - only to be picked up and quickly and taken for free (it was a sign). I wasn’t in the back of the bakki 15 minutes when I started laughing. I remember a conversation with God only weeks before where I complained about being insecure and not being able to stand up for myself. I told God that I was tired of living that way. That I had gone 40 years like that and enough was enough. Well, look what happened. I was given an opportunity where I needed to be VERY strong and completely defend myself ALONE, without any support. And guess what…I did. I stood there for an hour backing up everything I was saying and being true to myself - hence the reason I was laughing. I had asked for this opportunity and it was given to me. I was very thankful.
Once at Sarah’s we talked and she quickly helped me wash away the remainder of doubt still lingering in my head. She’s so GOOD for me. The next couple days were amazing with a birthday party at Selma’s and Catan and pizza with Rachel and Caleb. It was exactly what I needed and I returned Saturday refreshed and renewed.
At the theater, I apologized to MY Fanuel about the situation I had put him in. See, he was there during VCT Fanuel and I’s spat and there was a moment when VCT accused my Fanuel of not being able to be a part of the garden. Thus, Fanuel had to come clean about his status. I felt awful that he had been put in that situation and I hadn’t been able to steer the conversation a different way. Regardless, I felt the need to say I’m sorry. He was fine and he actually said it made him think that in order to feel good about himself, he needed to be more open about his status.
The next day, Sunday, Fanuel came to visit me and we had an amazing talk. He was having a serious dilemma about whether to open about being positive. It felt right and felt like the time and I came out to him. Telling him about my decision to talk openly about something that I had kept private. He was very cool about it and it made him really contemplate his decision. I don’t know what he will end up doing, but at least now he has an idea how to go about it and what might become of it later.

Monday, September 21 - Sunday, September 27:
This past week was a typical rollercoaster. The highlight was having the kids of the new VSOs come to speak to my younger OVC group. They LOVED having these highly energetic white kids hanging out with them. The kids put on a little presentation about Canada and their home town. It was awesome. I introduced paper mache to the older ones but made a mistake when I thought the balloons would last a week before putting another layer on. The heat of this place has caused them all to go flat, so we have to start all over next week - they will just have to come a few days in a row.
I also put out some of the fire with Fanuel by having a discussion with him and Elizabeth. I still don’t trust this guy but hell, I leave soon so I really don’t need to get stressed out about it. We still need to have a discussion with the main group (we just can’t get anyone to show up for the meetings) and I need a sit down with him and Veronica about the sewing business.
Friday I was going to show a movie at the school but was just tired and was invited to dinner with the newbies. I needed the break and anyways, it rained! It never rains this early. It made the evening very nice and cool. The newbies also called me to let me know they were in Rundu at the Forestry place and if I wanted them to bring me back some trees. See…remember when I was whining about wishing the others here would consider me more? I look back and think maybe I was just vulnerable from just arriving but honestly, I was just looking for a little consideration. So…of course, I LOVE these new guys. Canada isn’t that far from Cincy, is it? Lol
This weekend I spent alone, chilling out. I showed a movie Saturday night and played with Jafet and Sakeus today. Water fights ROCK! Had a small dilemma when Fanuel (my Fanuel) sms me from Rundu (he, Selma and Jesaya are on their way to a garden training in Divundu) to tell me the money I gave him for transport was stolen and he had no way of getting them to the training. I told him very sternly that it was HIS problem and they HAD to go. He figured it all out and they are on their way. Honestly?....I can’t wait to get out of here.

Monday, September 28 - Sunday, October 18:
I honestly hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d written. My apologies. The 3 made it back from the garden training and they LOVED it. I just didn’t get to spend much time with them before taking off to Windhoek for the final time for medical stuff. The highlight of the last few weeks is this…I was very close to being administratively separated from PC - here’s why:
Remember back when I was on vacation and Kris gave me her car? Well, one of the PC rules is that we are not allowed to drive when not on approved leave. I get that. I messed up with when my vacation day ended and it became a travel day to the COS conference. Remember when we stopped by the training center to greet the newbies??? Well, that is what got me caught and also what saved me. I met with the temporary country director last Monday to discuss all of this. He was just and fair - even though the entire time I never thought I had done anything wrong. After 45 minutes in the hot seat, he informed me that he was not going to let me go but that I should be on my best behavior for the final 7 weeks. Feeling under-appreciated?? You betcha! I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life busting my hump here in my village and a simple mistake of miscalculating my vacation leave could get me booted out of the country? What the fuck??!?!?!
What I’ve discovered since then is even more shocking. I made a point about why wasn’t this handled with MY CD, Hannah Baldwin when I was in Windhoek for COS? He said it was because things take time and they have to get approval from DC. That’s fine. What I’ve heard floating around the rumor mill is that my APCD DID bring it up with Hannah and she being fair and just and well, just plain smart, squashed it. My APCD then proceeded to hold onto it in order to ‘try again’ with the new, temporary guy. How does she think I am supposed to feel about all of this? She has obviously gone out of her way to eliminate me. Well, not ME, per se, but she’s been dying to kick someone out. Here’s my main beef: what kind of message does this send to volunteers? You look to your APCD for support and yet you are getting policed in hopes of being used as an ‘example’.
It really infuriates me that people give up 2 years of their very comfortable lives to go abroad and try to give something back and yet they could be discarded so non-chalantly (spelling?) because of simple mistakes. Things are NOT black & white PC…the world we live in is VERY grey…get a clue.
Outside of that my medical stuff went well - no cavities or parasites. I was really itching for a parasite. On one hand I can say that I kicked Namibia’s ass and on the other, I have no sickness stories to brag about.
I have 37 days left. I have 37 days left and a shitload of work to do in a short amount of time. I am ready to leave but honestly, as I sat earlier and watched the sunset while brushing Efuta, I choked up a bit. I am going to miss this place and many of the people I have grown to love. The bullshit I won’t miss. Everything else…definitely.
On a completely different note, while in Windhoek last week, I discovered an ‘American’ food section at a local market. They had Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, La Choy noodles, M&Ms, Mini-Wheats, Bush’s Baked Beans, Campbell’s soup and Hunt’s ketchup. I stood there for the longest time…tearing up. Time to get home? You betcha!

Monday, October 19 - Tuesday, October 27:
Well, the shit that was hitting the fan a few weeks back has sort of worked itself out while throwing some new shit in my face.
I think I have sifted through some of the turmoil with the VCT counselor. We seem to have an understanding. I still don’t think he’s the most trustworthy person, but all that aside, I need to have some faith and release some control. After I leave, I can’t do anything about what continues and what doesn’t. He paid the money he owed from the last event, took charge of the next one, we addressed the garden issues, organized the feeding program and he even sent the bike to be repaired.
The new shit, has to do with my buddy Fanuel and the bank he was a part of briefly earlier this year. Come to find out some serious money has disappeared and with all the finger pointing, he is being accused of the theft. I find it interesting that the one person I trust the most in this place, keeps getting into situations like this AND is one of the least trusted members of the community. He did confide in me that when he was younger, he was a rough kind of guy and was into drugs and has served time in jail. People tend to be unforgiving and definitely unFORGETTING here in Namibia. I believe that when they see him, they only see his past and he’s the first to be blamed for things going wrong. I tend to have the opposite view. The harder the life someone has had, I feel the stronger that person eventually becomes.
All that said, he has to go to Rundu in order to find work to come up with the money which means the theater is not going to run after I leave. If he comes up with the money before I leave and returns, we are fine, otherwise there isn’t anyone I trust enough to take it over. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Also, with my NOT GREAT relationship with my APCD, I really have no one to talk to about it. I could give the new country director a try, I suppose.
Other than all of that, things are good. I am becoming very melancholy as the days wind down and at the same time, anxious for the final day to get here. It’s a weird feeling. I have a busy weekend ahead with 2 days of shopping for the OVC Bookmark Project, then a Halloween party with the other PCVs. Sarah and I are going as naked calendar models…how original. It should be a blast and it’s sort of our farewell since we aren’t going to make it to the Thanksgiving shindig. Once back from the weekend, time will really fly. I have 2 weeks of work, 1 week of packing up and saying goodbye and then I’m outa here. Weird.

Playing KETCHUP...

I apologize that is has taken me so long to update my blog. The cell reception is my village has not been that great and frankly, there hasn't been too much to say, lol.

Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:
Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.
Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.
Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.
After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.
In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.
It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.
The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.
I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.
Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.
We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.
At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.
At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.
Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.
The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?
In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.
I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Friday, March 6 - Monday 16:
Can this be right? Can it really have been 10 days since I’ve written in my journal? Honestly…this doesn’t make sense to me. My only excuse is that I’ve been busy and nothing ‘special’ has happened. I guess I get tired of writing the same thing every day - ‘well, not much happened today’. They did warn us during training that part way through our second year we will reach a time when the monotony and routine will set in. I suppose it has for me because I’m still confused as to why I haven’t written.
I went to Nkurenkuru last Friday night just to do some grocery shopping. I stayed with Caleb and Rachel instead of Sarah, because she was still in Windhoek. It was fun. The world teach volunteers came in from Nankudu and Rachel made pizza. Yum. We played ‘You Don’t Know Jack’ which was a blast. I came home the next day for the theater. I showed ‘The Matrix’ which they loved. I still need to figure out how to get the learners from the secondary school to attend. They get locked in on the weekends and the principal doesn’t want to let them go for fear they will go to the shebeens. I get it…I just don’t know how to work around it.
I have introduced ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ to my supervisor and another nurse. They now come over every Monday night to watch 2 episodes. It’s fun to watch it with them. I gotta go now cause they are on their way.

Tuesday, March 17 - Monday, March 23:
All I can say is…time is flying. I think that I’ve only missed a day or possibly two of writing and I pull up the journal to see it’s been about a week.
Recap:
Last Tuesday none of my primary OVCs showed up. I had no idea why. Then I found out the next day it’s because someone told them at the school that the afternoon program was cancelled. I typed up a list of all the names and submitted it to the primary school so we wouldn’t have a problem. On Wednesday, my older ones showed up so that was fine. On Thursday I tried to have a meeting but many of the members of the committee were missing without apologies. We were going to plant in the garden, but they voted to wait until this week.
I explained to them that the garden was once again dying because of people’s lack of commitment to the watering. I gave them til the end of April to pull it together or I was going to switch to individual gardens at people’s homes. There is no sense in me putting in the energy if it’s not being received.
Thursday afternoon I caught a ride to Nkurenkuru to hang out with Sarah until we went to Zone on Saturday morning for Independence. Thursday night we hung out with the 3 Finnish volunteers who were there on a ‘missionary’ study program. None of them want to be actual missionaries, but they came for the experience. They were fun, we had great food, watched their slide show and said our goodbyes.
Friday, Sarah and I hung out. I watched the ‘Che’ movie and ‘Milk’ - which made me cry. That night we played some cribbage and went to bed. The next morning we went to Zone with tate Ndadi and a nane from the clinic. The festivities were nice and my friend Dorothy was there with her daughter. It was great to catch up with her. The drama and the music was awesome. VIVA INDEPENDENCE!!
Saturday I came back to site because of the theater. I had planned on cancelling it because I figured everyone would be busy. Fanuel told me that we had to have it cause many people would be visiting Mpungu and would want to see a movie. Well…about 10 showed up, lol. Thanks Namibia!
Sunday was spent chilling out and doing a bunch of nothing. Today, we launched our feeding program for ARV clinic and it went great. We had about 6 people show up to eat and then we sold off the remaining food. I think it’s going to be a great success.

Tuesday, March 24 - Thursday, March 26:
The last few days have been busy, productive, and exhausting. I LOVE it! The highlight occurred yesterday. I was working with my OVCs and I had given them some math problems to work out. Hogan, the little boy of the new nurse who lives in the flat next door to the room I use for my group, was playing around outside. He and I are becoming good friends. I went to pick him up and was carrying him around, when I felt something wet on my arm. I just thought he had a wet bottom...but, no. I looked behind him and he had literally FILLED his diaper with shit and by picking him up and sitting him on my arm I had forced it up and out and all over myself. Now…that in itself is pretty funny. BUT!...his poop looked EXACTLY like guacamole. NO LIE! It was the exact color green with some red dots that could have been bell pepper. It seriously looked so much like guacamole that I had to smell it to make sure it wasn’t. How on earth he could have possibly had guacamole on his backside is beyond me…but it was SO realistic looking. Lol. I’m still laughing about it.
Tonight I made dinner for the VSOs and we had great conversation. They are good people. I know that I had my issues with them and the other PCVs here in Mpungu when I first arrived but I think most of that was my own stuff. The culture shock, loneliness, homesickness, etc. just amplified everything and made me so super sensitive. Dinah made an interesting comment about how it feels when you first arrive. She used the word ‘fragile’ and that’s the perfect word for it. I felt so fragile for the first 6 months and I just wanted, needed, someone to take care of me. Whew, I’m glad I’ve moved past that.

Friday, March 27 - Sunday, March 29:
Friday I spent some well needed time in the pharmacy. I haven’t stepped foot inside it since last year. Fortunately it wasn’t in that bad of shape but I keep telling Lyambezi he needs to stay on the nurses about keeping the forms orderly and neat. That night Lyambezi brought over ‘We Were Soldiers’ to watch. I’ve been enjoying hanging out with him lately cause we have sort of crossed that line of being ‘uncomfortable’ around each other. We can now joke and he actually gets some of my American sarcasm.
Saturday was a LONG day. We had our Awareness Event in the morning. It went really well but I lost my patience with some of the kids. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. I had added MANY more prizes to the condom box game and so that became the center of attention for everyone. I introduced a new game with colored ping pong balls - everyone seemed to enjoy it. I chilled out the rest of the day and then headed to the church for movie night. I really do enjoy movie night but find myself getting stressed a bit about it. People from the project are supposed to be coming to the movie so that they can learn to run the equipment and man the door. What ends up happening is only Selma comes, she mans the door until the movie starts and then wants to watch the show. I don’t blame her, it just means I am constantly answering the door when someone knocks to be let in or out. I really think we need to switch the time to earlier in the day. That way more people would come (so they could get home before dark) and it would be easier to man the door, with light. When Shimon comes to visit after Easter, we need to look into making curtains for the church.
Sunday was a TOTAL chill day with a two hour walk, some yoga, a movie, some reading and Damien, Thomas, and Willem stopped by for help on their EWA and Diversity Tour applications.
I’ve reached a point in my service where I have accepted what I am able and not able to do. My one concern still seems to be sustainability. Of the projects that I am involved in…which ones, if any, will continue after I leave? The garden seems to be on a downward slide and I have a feeling that by the end of April, it will be gone and it will be one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t feel bad or blame myself for it failing…there was just not enough energy and interest in having it in the first place. I’m starting to feel that way about the theater. Nobody (except Selma) from the group, is attending Saturday nights. So once I leave, will it even happen? All of this takes me back to when I first got here. As a PCV I am supposed to evaluate the needs of the community and see what is wanted. I feel I did that - to the best of my ability - for the first several months, with no one coming to me with ideas. Even at this point, people (from the group or outside of) don’t ever say ‘hey, let’s do this or that’. Everyone still seems to wait around until Chaz comes up with something to do. I know this isn’t at the heart of capacity building and sustainability. But what am I to do? Just do nothing and continue to wait until someone has an idea. I feel by coming up with suggestions that I am leading by example. I feel like I have tried to inspire people, but to no avail. All that said, 2 people within my community have come to me in the last week and either said that I should extend or that I will be sorely missed when I go.
The only way to interpret that is that I am doing a good job. Whew. This really IS about letting go of any pre-conceived ideas about accomplishment and success. Where I see failure, the people here have seen growth. Hmmm.

Monday, March 30 - Thursday, April 2:
A busy and productive week. The highlight was playing a spelling game with my older OVCs. Damien - my favorite, was racking up the points and I could see the soccer ball he has been saving them for - gleaming in his eye.
I had some interesting conversations with a few people from the village. They both, in their own way, talked about the ‘laziness’ of most of the people in the community and how no one has the motivation to change their lives. One was a younger guy, about 25. The other, an older tate of 62. It was interesting hearing them talk though because I’ve had my own opinions about these subjects but because of culture, never felt like I had a right to say anything. It was a bonding moment for me and them as well as a little validation that what I’ve been feeling has been correct.
I did have yet another issue with Fanuel, the counselor. Veronica, his wife, is the one that is running the sewing business. I’ve been explaining to her - since last November - about her loan payment and that SHE is running the business, not me. That it is a business and not a ‘project’. Well, she is constantly late with her payment and I guess this week I had had it. I, once again, met with her and Fanuel to explain for the umpteenth time, about the repayment schedule. Ironically, my friend Ruben was here cause we were both waiting for a ride to Nkurenkuru. As I was going through everything again and Fanuel was translating…Ruben butted in (thank God). And said a bunch of stuff in Rukwangali that made Veronica finally ‘get it’. After they left, I walk talking to Ruben about my frustration with having to explain things over and over when I feel like I’m simplifying them as best as I can. He said, you were saying things perfectly, Fanuel was mis-translating what you were saying to Veronica. He kept telling her that they money she owes back is YOUR money and that it was YOUR money that funded the business. He hadn’t been telling her that I was just a mediator. I’ve lost SO much faith in Fanuel over the past year and it just sickens me to think that he has possibly been mis-translating me this whole time for his own good. Either to make himself look good or to benefit him and his family. SHIT!
On a better note…after they left, Ruben and I got into a conversation and he brought up all these great ideas for the community and I shared some of mine and we have decided to work together to do a BUNCH of stuff. The money Eileen gave me is going to be stretched into MANY awesome projects now. Between Ruben and the other Fanuel’s motivation for community work, I am truly pumped to accomplish a TON in the next 8 months!

Friday, April 3 - Sunday, April 5:
Friday day sort of dragged on. I spent a little time in the pharmacy, organizing a bit. Then I basically took the rest of the day off since my evening was filled with taking the movie theater to the school. On time as usual, Alex showed up at my house to take Claudia, Ester, Fanuel and I to the school. When we arrived, the students cleared out and some of the older male learners helped us move the tables against the windows and set up the chairs. At first, no learners were lining up to pay to get in and I was a bit concerned. I finally decided to send someone out to let them know that the movie would start at exactly 7:30. During that time, I did some questions for sweets about HIV/AIDS with the few that had meandered in.
At the time we started the movie, there was only about 20 kids in the hall. I had a brief (very brief) moment where I thought, ‘what a waste of time’. But as the movie progressed, the learners arrived. At the end of the night, we had made N$150.00! I was stoked! I asked the kids after if they enjoyed it and would like us to come more often. They said yes. If we go twice a month and add N$300 to our feeding program, we’ll have no problem feeding everyone on Monday’s list! And, we should be able to afford to buy apples and other things besides just serving mutete and yisima.
Saturday I slept in, did some yoga and read before the theater. Tonight’s movie was King Kong and I at first was worried that they might not like it. Boy…was I wrong! They LOVED it! They completely got that Naomi Watt’s character was making the beast laugh. They cheered loudly when he beat the dinosaurs and saved the girl. And when he fell off the Empire State building? There was a quiet ‘oh’ that spread through the crowd. Man, I love this project!!!!!
Sunday was a seriously chilled day with a long walk in the morning, much reading in the afternoon and ended with watching a movie with Fanuel and Jaffet.

Monday, April 6 - Monday, April 13:
Monday through Thursday of this past week was busy just finishing up stuff with OVCs and project meetings. On Tuesday, I did go to a meeting in Dakuwa - a village about 10k into the bush from Mpungu. They are wanting to build a kindergarten there. I thought initially that they wanted an actual building. This concerned me because of the time frame in which I have to accomplish this. However, they are planning on building a large hut with a fence and they just want help with books, chalkboard, chairs, etc. to make it nice. This, is very doable. I am going to use the PCPP to ‘get er done’.
I was really anxious about leaving site on Thursday, so the first part of the week is sort of a blur. Thursday I rode into Rundu with the VSOs. I went to the TRC to download stuff and check email. I then caught up with everyone else. Most of the 27ers crashed at Rachel’s while the 28ers and 3rd years stayed with Ben. Over the weekend we cooked together, played games, had a braai at the Bavaria and enjoyed one another’s company. My friend Shimon came up from Windhoek and is actually coming back to Mpungu with me for a week. He wants to see what my life is like in the village and needs a vacation. He will help me with some small projects.
On Saturday, he and I ran errands most of the day. I had a lot of things I needed to buy the OVCs for their point awards. I also needed to buy things for the garden, for the theater. It was an exhausting day but oddly fun. It reminded me of running errands in the states a little. I got to buy clothes, shoes, backpacks, things like that for the OVCs…so it felt a little like Christmas.
Yesterday, we got a hike early and headed back. It was long and hot cause we were in the back of a bakki. We arrived, unpacked a shitload of food and stuff I had purchased for the OVCs and settled in. It’s good to be home.

Tuesday, April 14 - Monday, April 20:
Routine…routine…routine. That’s what my life has boiled down to. That’s fine…I am happy with it…trust me. This past week went off with not much out of the ordinary. I did have a moment while watering the guava trees behind my house where a very large snake slithered past me. I froze. I just stood there saying ‘f’k’ under my breathe until it got far enough away to where I could move.
Shimon hung out this whole week (he left on Saturday morning). It was really nice to have the company and of course, with him being a vegan chef…I ate better in these 6 days then I have since I arrived. Fresh mushrooms, peppers, coconut…all sorts of things I can never buy because they are too expensive.
Saturday we had our monthly HIV Awareness event and it was great. We had it in the community at Ester’s place…instead of at the clinic. MANY more people came to it and it was very successful. I came back to rest a bit before the movie. OH…I forgot to mention that on Wednesday’s free movie night, I showed a couple music videos that I had downloaded. In hindsight I probably should have been a bit more careful in the ones I chose, but they seemed to enjoy them. I showed Brittany’s Spear’s ‘Womanizer’ - I had forgotten how risqué it was. I don’t think they’ve seen anything like it, lol - I’m still waiting for the repercussions of it from the community.
I showed ’30 Days of Night’ on Saturday and they were really scared. I was great fun watching them scream and then laugh at themselves. I had to turn away a guy who was drunk…fortunately he didn’t put up much of a fuss.
Sunday I hung out with Damien, Thomas, William and Salom. I introduced them to ‘Uno’ and they loved it. Today we had the feeding program. The cooking part went well, but there are still a lot of people who won’t come and get the food because they are worried about being seen by the community. We ended up having a lot left over - and I hate throwing food out. We didn’t have anyone come and buy food today either. My other dilemma is that there are employees of the clinic that hang around waiting for us to finish because they know there will be food left over and we will probably give it to them. This angers me. First, they have jobs…they can afford the N$3 that we are charging to support the program. Second, these are people that don’t really do their jobs. They just complain all the time. For example, when we said we had yisima left over, the one female security guard said she was starving and wanted some. When she realized it was JUST yisima and she wasn’t getting anything else with it, she turned up her nose and said she didn’t want it. If you are ‘starving’ you would eat any food anyone handed to you. I get this attitude a lot and it just angers me. I try to be patient and understanding, but I can’t handle the un-appreciativeness.
On Saturday, we had purchased meat for the afternoon meal. We didn’t get it in time, so decided to freeze it and cook it Monday with the feeding program. When we went to use it today, it was spoiled. I hadn’t looked at the bag on Saturday…I just stuck it in the freezer. Well, this started an entire day of stress. Trying to track down who we bought the meat from in order to get a refund. Then, them coming and saying they would pay us back and turning around a few hours later and saying they would not. Then, of course, I needed Fanuel to come into the picture as a translator and he completely mis-represented me to the people involved, which escalated the drama. I have really lost all trust and faith in him and would rather not have to do anything ‘through’ him any more. I feel as though he has been shooting me in the foot this past year. The other Fanuel has volunteered to take on that role for me, so hopefully there won’t be any more issues like this. I have so little time left and want to be ‘drama’ free.
I leave on Wednesday for Rundu, then Windhoek, then a few weeks of holiday before hiking fish river. I won’t have my computer, so I will try to write down what’s going on while I am gone.

Tuesday, April 21 - Monday, April 27:
I hiked to Rundu on Wednesday then got up early to head to Windhoek the next day. I headed to the hike point with a positive attitude and got a hike within the hour. He was only going to drop me in Kombat, but he drove me all the way to Otavi cause he said I’d have a better chance finding a hike there. I literally got out of his car, used the bathroom and walked to the road when a car pulled over and it was Jeff, the former director of PC Namibia. In total, I made it to Windhoek in under 7 hours.
I met up with Shimon and we went to see ‘Underworld’. I should have passed on the movie cause I didn’t realize how tired I was, but it was still enjoyable. The next day we went into town to run some errands and drop my bags at Jan Jonker. The day was productive. After lunch I left Shimon to meet up with the other PCVs. VSN and Diversity tour was in town. We went to Primi for dinner. The next day we began VSN training for the 2 new members. The day went well and then Shimon came over and we cooked dinner while everyone else went out.
Sunday was more training and then I spent a chilled night at the flat watching TV.
Today was more errand s- ordering T-shirts, heading to the movies only to discover the movie I wanted to see wasn’t playing. I came back to the Tabitha Center , had dinner and now it’s time to crash.

Tuesday, April 28:
Got up, packed and organized and walked to the highway to hike to Swakopmund. I wasn’t out there for more than 5 minutes before I got a lift to Okahandja. I got stuck there for a few hours (I blame it on not having my sign, lol). Finally, I got a lift all the way. Good conversation and air conditioning. What more can you ask for?
I arrived at the TRC just as Leslie was finishing up. We walked back to her place, chatted and caught up and I ran to the grocery store to stock up for the week and then we had dinner. During and after dinner we talked more. I love Leslie and really enjoy our conversations. We had this great talk about life, self-acceptance, PC, our personal journeys, etc. I’m looking forward to just hanging out here this week. I had wanted to explore the northwest but I’d really rather just veg. I’ll save my energy for Fish River!

Wednesday, April 29 - Saturday, May 2:
I’ve thoroughly enjoy just chilling out here in Swakopmund. On Thursday, I met a guy named Hilton at a clothing store. We clicked so decided to have dinner later that day. It was great conversation and mediocre Chinese food.
On Friday, I hiked to Walvis to explore and meet up with Gideon - remember, he’s my guy from Mpungu that moved here last year. His wife had a new baby since he left. It was great catching up with him. I was also able to visit with Karel for a bit - who is also living there.
I then met up with Hilton who drove me all over Walvis. We then went for pizza where I enjoyed a conversation about lesbians and vibrators with a group of colored people. Now, I can hear all my American friends ‘gasp’ after reading that. But here in Namibia, there are 3 distinct types of people - blacks, whites, and coloreds - or mixed race. In Walvis Bay, everyone lives separately and you can easily spot the 3 ‘level’s of acceptance throughout the Bay. The black people live in very run down, small shacks. The coloreds in sort of modest, middle class type homes…and the whites…in million dollar homes.
I know I’ve talked about this before but it struck me again. I’ve wondered how people can live in very nice, expensive homes with not a care in the world when 3-4 hours away (or sometimes, 3-4k away), there are people living in huts with no food. The contrast has always been very striking to me. Yet…don’t we do that in America? You can go to any city and find multi-million dollar homes just down the road from people living at ‘poverty’ level.
I think it’s just that we, as Americans, can’t imagine living in a stick house, with no water, that we think it’s such an extreme. I’m not saying it isn’t. But, the unbalance of economy here is NOT much different than anywhere in the world. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Where’s the ‘fairness’? Should I live in guilt because circumstances have allowed me to live a very comfortable life? These are all questions I am still needing answers to.

Sunday, May 3 - Monday, May 4:
Sunday was spent chillin out by the beach - it was a beautiful day - and then packing to leave early on Monday. I’m reaching that point in my vacation where I am missing my village. Yet I know, one week back and I’ll e saying I’m bored, lol. Guess I am only human.
Monday, I headed to the road around 6:30 am, in hopes of an early hike. It didn’t happen. After a couple of hours, Emily and Kate decided to walk further ahead in hopes that by themselves they might get a ride quicker. They had been gone maybe 20 minutes when Miles pulled over for me. Cool, young photographer from Cape Town. When I told him about my friends waiting for a hike, he was more than happy to stop and get them as well.
The hike was great and as we were passing through Karibib, we picked up the local radio station and I dialed in to answer a contest question and I actually WON! Unfortunately, they didn’t call to notify me until we were about an hour away. Just after getting the phone call, I had a brief thought about my friend John Martin, back in the states. There was no reason for him to opop into my head - but there he was. I got on facebook to send him a quick note. Once there, I was informed by a friend’s posting that John had passed away….over 2 months before.
It was the strangest sensation of shock that came over me. Why hadn’t any of our mutual friends thought to inform me? It reinforced the ‘disconnect’ that I already feel so strongly…from my life in America. At the same time, I am feeling distant from the familiar, I find myself adapting and connecting to my new life here. Don’t get me wrong, when I finish in December I will be ready to leave my village existence. It’s just that I think it will be much more difficult to leave than it ever was for me to be there in the beginning.

Tuesday, May 5 - Tuesday, May 12:
Tuesday through Thursday I hung out in Windhoek with Shimon - running errands that I didn’t finish before Swakopmund. On Friday, Em drove me to the hike point to head south. I waited about 2 ½ hours before snagging a lift all the way to Keets. We stopped in Mariental for Lunch. I then heard from Carly and Lily that they had gotten a ride only that far, so my ride decided to wait for them. It was funny though because he and I had had some good conversation about life and spirituality and stuff and once Lily (who is Chinese) got in the car, all of a sudden, all these non-pc jokes came out of him. We just kept looking at each other and laughing.
We made it to Jen and Rashin’s around 5:30 pm. They had dinner ready for us. The next day we went into town for last minute shopping. While there, I met up with David H. for a bit. Later that afternoon the others started slowly arriving. We watched Quantum of Solace and fell asleep. Transport picked us up at 7:30 am for the 2 ½ hour ride to the entrance to the canyon. He stopped at an overlook area for us to get our first view. Breathtaking! And scary as hell? I’m going to be hiking through THAT?!?!? It’s not the Grand Canyon by any means but being the 2nd largest canyon in the world, it holds it’s own.
It took us about 2 hours to descend 1k. It was rouch. At the bottom, we swam with some other hikers - some happened to be muslim and at the appropriate time - they rolled out their rugs and prayed. I vowed to myself that if we ended up camping near them sometime during the trip, I wanted to talk to them about Islam.
After lunch, we headed out. We had heard that the first few days were pretty tough - uneven ground, large boulders…deep sand. We began with smiles on our faces and ended the first day with leg cramps, painful shoulders and sore feed. But we were happy. The landscape is beautiful and the night sky with ZERO city light is truly phenomenal.
Day 2 found us heading out around 8:30 in various groups. Lily, Milan, Greg and myself happen to b pretty quick hikers. Amanda and Parker take up the middle and the rest are the caboose. Besides lizards, not much in the way of animals have been seen. I have seen leopard prints and horse poop though, so I am hopeful. Betsey injured her knee today and began vomiting from the pain. We were concerned she may have to take the emergency exit. She said no, but we stopped to camp earlier that day. We also caught up with the muslims, who gave us a better map. I never got the chance to talk to them about Islam though.
Day 3 - the pain in my shoulder blades is pretty bad but I only have on pseudo-blister, so I’m okay. I haven’t slept the last 2 nights…I can only hope tonight is better. We made good time, with the help of a shortcut. We saw several families of baboons, but still no horses. Parker said he saw some dassies, but I wasn’t so lucky. The beauty and serenity of this place continues to bring me peace. The nights are my favorite with the quiet and the night sky.
Tonight, one of our gas canisters ran out but I had run into a group of Cape Tonians hiking a little ways ahead. We crashed their fire and they were very welcoming. They helped us cook our dinner and even gave us 2 full canisters of butane to get us through the next few days. This, by far, is the greatest vacation in Namibia. I can only imagine that when I finish with PC and start travelling, that my experience will resemble this in some way.

Wednesday, May 13 - Saturday, May 16 (early morning):
The last few days in the canyon have been the most exhausting, painful, blissful and exhilarating days I’ve spent in Namibia. Being so isolated and far from any convenience - it’s flt like I could be anywhere in the world. I haven’t even been using my tent. Sleeping outside, under the stars. Making fires to cook dinner. It’s been fantastic.
Yesterday we arrived at Ai-Ais, where we enjoyed a hit, soapy shower, a pseudo-hot tub and a cold cider. After a week of hiking, one cider did me in. We played cards most of the afternoon and then had dinner at 7. There were other groups here that had opted to have a local children’s choir come and sing for them. 2 things struck me with this. First, I felt as though they were being exploited. Any time some white foreigners come along, these kids have to sing for them. At the same time, this is probably the only way for these kids to make money. It’s a double-edged sword, so to speak.
The other thing is, is that they sucked! I’ve heard much, MUCH better choirs since being here. It was obvious to all of us PCVs that these were all just the kids of the camp staff and they weren’t actually a choir. They had done no rehearsals or practiced in any way. They just sung 3-4 random songs and danced a little and threw in some yodels and clicks. So the ‘choir’ was actually ripping off the foreigners who through they were hearing authentic African music. I guess it’s a use-use situation.
One of the staff also brought her baby and some of the ‘white’ people were holding it and getting their pictures taken with it like it was some unique animal from the zoo. I found that repulsive.

Saturday, May 16 - Friday, May 22:
We were picked up and brought back to Keets where some of us immediately got on the road and started hiking north. We all eventually got picked up and dropped in Rehoboth to stay with Roshin and Beth. On Sunday, Dar and I headed north to Windhoek. Our hike dropped us off at the entrance to the B1 where she headed down the on-ramp and I walked towards Katatura. Not 5 minutes after leaving her, she was mugged. 2 guys confronted her and took her backpack. Son of a bitch!!! There are times where I go to this internal place of anger that I need to steer clear of. I want to go up to these thieves and say ‘what the F? I flew 9,000 miles to come and help YOUR people and this is how you treat me?’. I hate that I still go there after all this time…but I do. Dar is fine, just has to stay in Windhoek for a few days before heading back to site.
I spent an extra day in Windhoek to chill and headed to Rundu on Monday. It was tough cause I have a TON of crap to haul back. I made it to Otavi and then after a few hours, the rest of the way to Rundu. I stuck around there for a few days running some errands and waiting for Sarah to come through so I could hike back with her. I have some packages at her place. I hung out with Lori, Kim an the others.
Sarah arrived on Wednesday night, so yesterday we hiked back to site. I arrived yesterday around 4. It’s good to be home.
I’ve walked around enough to see that many of the fruit trees I planted are dying cause no one is watering them. The garden was not planted nor was the fence completed AND I don’t know whether the feeding program went on without me or not. I was happy that didn’t immediately go to the frustrated place. I have decided to not start any more new projects for the next 6 months. I will just focus on reinforcing the ones that are going in hopes that they will continue. Pray for me.

Sunday, May 23 - Thursday, May 28:
Routine…routine…routine. That’s what sums up my life these days. Routine. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. But it can lead to boredom. Boredom in the sense that ‘something new’ doesn’t happen on a daily basis any more. The other side of the coin is that I’m confident in what I’m doing now and it’s not a lot of ‘work’ to do it. The days are SPEEDING by and I fear if I blink, it will be Dec. 1 and I’ll be leaving my village for good.
The president of Namibia is coming to our village on the 26th of June. That’s not only something to look forward to, it’s also something I have to help prepare for. That will consume my downtime for the next few weeks. Then it’s July. Then it’s August and I’ll be travelling to Botswana. Then it’s September and I’ll travel to Windhoek for our COS conference. Then it’s like 2 ½ months left. It’s all so weird.

Valentines Schmalentines!

Tuesday, February 3 - Sunday, February 8:
It looks like I may resort to doing journal entries once a week instead of every day, lol. It’s not that things aren’t going on, it’s that I’m so busy now that by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is sit and type. It might also have to do with things starting to seem routine rather than ‘new’.
I have my 2 days of OVC stuff this week which went great. I have 2 new helpers since it was just going to be Joanna this year. The one helper is an older guy who studied to be a teacher but currently can’t find a job. He was OUTSTANDING with the youth. Patient, kind, persuasive…they really took to him. It actually gives me hope that this program might continue after I leave. I mentioned the idea to him and he seemed excited about it, so we’ll see.
Had our Thursday meeting and though only a few people showed up, it went really well. Ever since I mentioned last week to the people from Runda that we were going to start a garden there because all of them had kept up with their end of the maintenance of the garden here, they have taken the bull by the horns. They have had a community meeting, met with the headman, got a piece of land, brought me a list of what they would need to start. They are ready and it’s very exciting to see someone here take the initiative. It makes me want to help them that much more.
The Ministry of Home Affairs was also here for 2 days registering people for birth certificates and IDs. It’s a great thing that they have come to the community instead of people having to go to them. I asked if there was anything I could do to help either right now or after they leave. The guy was kind of an ass and kept telling me there is nothing I can do. Many people were coming to me for copies now that we have a machine, so I felt I was helping out somehow and next week I am going to help with lamination services for their documents.
Later on Friday, people started showing up with the actual forms they had to fill out to get their IDs saying they sent them down here to get copies made. I actually laughed out loud. I thought…this guy made it clear I couldn’t help and then they run out of stuff due to their own ability to think ahead and he expects me to make copies for them. Unfortunately, because it’s a personal printer/copier and the toner cartridges are so expensive, I HAVE to charge a minimum of R1.00 per copy. That means that the people had to pay R4 for their forms. It was so unfair that they had to do that but may hands were tied in this matter.
This weekend I went to visit Sarah. It was great because we hadn’t spent time together since early December of last year. We caught up, swapped vacation stories and hung out with some of the 28ers. I introduced Sarah to Project Runway and she was hooked…we ended up watching the entire 4th season this weekend.

Monday, February 9 - Sunday, February 15:
The week went by in a blur and nothing huge - whether good or bad - stuck out as noteworthy. I have a feeling this second year is going to be a lot like that. Now that I have a routine, some of the initial excitement and newness has begun to wear off.
One thing I suppose that came to my mind this week is the phrase ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’. I had decided to use some money donated by a friend to purchase lamination sheets and offer free lamination of birth certificates - since the Ministry of Home Affairs was here for 2 days helping people get them. Usually this costs 8 rand in Rundu, so most people don’t have them laminated and they end up being useless in a short amount of time.
I would have thought that the news of free lamination of birth certificates would travel like wild fire and on last Friday when I has planned to do it, that people would be lined up outside my flat. This was not the case. I only ended up doing about 30. I was hoping for like 300, lol.
I have to say that it’s been one disheartening thing about my Peace Corps service. I realize it’s just me and my American attitude (and I also understand where much of the lack of motivation stems from), but I came into this thinking that the people I was here to help would just want to work SO hard and do anything to change their lives. But see, that’s my ego. And, it’s my judgment of them thinking they HAVE anything to change. Peace Corps is all about sustainability and capacity building and not letting our own opinions and thoughts get in the way of helping the community. But doesn’t a lot of it ultimately spill over?
We come here to change people’s lives. Who says they need to change? We think that having water and electricity are basic amenities because we can’t imagine NOT having grown up with them. But are they essential to every day life? Who am I to tell these people that this is something they need to strive for? Most people here live (thought difficultly) in more harmony with the earth than we do in America? They are not hoarding tons of crap they don’t need, spending money wastefully, polluting the planet, etc. Maybe they are the example of how to live more peacefully than we are.
A certain amount of ego HAS has got to come into play for me to be here and try to motivate people to live differently because I think they should. I’ve resigned myself to not implementing too many new ideas this second year. I would rather people come to me with their own and allow me to assist them.

Monday, February 16 - Thursday, February 19:
This week many people have continued to show up for lamination. I figured that would be the case. I will borrow the machine again in March and have another free day. The new garden watering schedule seems to be working well. People are showing up when they are supposed to. The maize is doing ‘okay’, just not growing as tall as I would like. Onions and carrots - not so hot. But the tomato plants are THRIVING! I am hoping we also have luck with the squash and cabbage that we planted this week. Even if we could find 2 things to grow during the summer and a couple to grow during winter, I would be happy.
I had a great time with the OVCs this week though I am finding it difficult to teach English and math, lol. They are all in different places and I try to keep it interesting to both the young and older ones. We watched a movie about Alaska and they were fascinated with the brown/black bears and caribou.
On thing of note that happened this week, was I had to confront Jaffet about something. Jaffet is part of a duo (him and Sakeus) and they have become like my ‘buds’. They come over ALL the time and we play and occasionally I feed them. I’ve sort of taken them under my wing as my little brothers. Well, I’ve noticed a couple of times that Jaffet has stolen from me. Little things like sweets and last week, some bread. At first I was like, well, this is Africa, it’s survival. The bread thing pissed me off though cause the day he did it I was actually making him lunch.
Well, when I went into my OVC classroom on Tuesday and was counting people’s points on the poster, I noticed areas where stickers had been removed. Many people were missing one or two. As I glanced down the board, I came upon Jaffet’s name and his was FULL of stickers with curled up edges. He’s only been to class once so at the max, he would have 2. He had 15. Given the fact that he’s stolen from me in the past, I knew right away he had done it. I made plans to confront him the next time I saw him. The next time was today.
He stopped by as usually and I immediately stopped what I was doing and took him over to the room and asked him why he did it. He claimed - rather defiantly - that it wasn’t him, that it was this other kid from church. I said, are you sure? He said yes. So I told him to go find this kid and bring him to me cause I wanted to confront him. I told him to do it right now and not come back to my house until he had the boy with him. See, I knew he was lying.
He leaves and about 4 minutes later comes to my door to inform me that he and I are not friends. It was hard not to laugh. But I sat down outside with him and asked him why. He said it was because I was accusing him and not believing him. I then proceeded to talk about the other things he’s stolen from me and how COULD I believe him if my past experience with him has shown me otherwise. I said, all he had to do was bring me the kid and if he confessed, I would apologize and things would be fine. So he leaves once again.
About 10 minutes later he returns and at my door, says he is sorry. I go and sit down outside with him and ask him what he’s sorry about. He says, ‘that’. I wanted him to tell me what, lol. So he did and I asked him why he lied to me and accused someone else. I said, if we are to be friends I have to trust you and right now I don’t. He didn’t have an answer for my question and so I sent him home. I told him to think about it and when he had an answer for me, he could come back…just not today.
Honestly, I felt bad watching him walk away…the kid has NOTHING. But, at the same time, I can’t support these actions and he needs to learn something from it - so I have to be a hard ass. I’m sure we will make up and things will be fine…I’m glad I’m leaving tomorrow for Windhoek for about a week…that’s his grounding period, lol.

Friday, February 20 - Monday, February 24:
Friday, thanks to Dinah and John, I made it to Rundu safely. I went to the TRC, dropped off all the stuff I was leaving there, ran a few errands and then met up with Gretchen and her mother at Omashari Lodge for dinner. It was great seeing her, laughing, catching up and meeting her mom and friend Elaine. I then made my way back to Ben’s house where I hung out with everyone there for a few hours before crashing.
Saturday I got up early and headed to the hike point. I waited for about 2 ½ hours for a ride and snagged a short trip to Grootfontein. Now. Everything in my head was telling me NOT to take the hike because Groot is such a black hole…but I had waited so long to get out of Rundu that I succumbed.
Once in Groot, I was stuck there for about 3 hours. I should have known. I finally took a hike to Tsumeb in hopes that I could catch a ride with a car coming from Oshakati or Odangwa. I waited there for about ½ an hour before getting a great ride from a pharmacist who knew all about Peace Corps and talked my ear off. He was great. He took me as far as Otjiwarongo and then gave me R$100 to take a taxi to Okahandja. Again…I am still taken aback by the generosity of people here. I ran into super spar to grab a bite to eat, snagged a taxi quickly and arrived in Okahandja around 6:15.
My friend Crisenzo (an Italian guy living in Windhoek) picked me up there and we caught up on the ride to his place. It was nice to shower, have a nice dinner and relax in front of the TV after such a long day.
Sunday I ran an errand to the mall and then Chris dropped me off at the PC office. I met up with Brook, Dave, Loren, Melissa, Ryan and Milan. Then we were transported to the airport to wait on the newbies. Once there, I ran into Tina whose brother and and his partner were waiting on their plane so they could head back to the states. It was nice to meet them and to catch up with her.
After a few hours, the new PCVs plane arrived and we greeted them with smiles and cheers. It took me back to the day we got off the plane and had the dazed and frightened looks on our faces. Heading in to the unknown. It was great meeting them and an amazing ‘soul’ check for me. To realize how far I’ve come since being here. How far I’ve grown. The obstacles I’ve faced and worked through. It was a nice, little proud moment for myself. Many imaginary pats on the back took place.
The rest of Sunday was spent getting them settled into the training center and answering a ton of questions. I loved it. I really wish we had had some volunteers there when we arrived. There so much they want (and we wanted) to know that we either didn’t want to ask PC directly or were tired of the ‘it depends’ answers they WERE giving us. It’s a good feeling to be there for these guys in this way and most have made comments about how helpful it’s been that we are here.
Monday they began their training sessions…which I sat in on. It took me back to the beginning and the days where I felt like going a bit loopy. More questions were asked and answered and I continue to enjoy the process of being the ‘experienced’ one. Like I mentioned above about the airport. It’s a nice reality check about where I’ve been to how far I’ve come. I took a small group into town for a quick tour, only to be called back to the center because they had medical interviews either I had forgotten about or they have forgotten to mention to me. Ooops. Bad VSN member…BAD!

Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:
Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.
Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.
Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.
After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.
In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.
It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.
The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.
I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.
Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.
We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.
At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.
At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.
Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.
The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?
In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.
I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.