Thursday, October 2 - Sunday, October 5:
Thursday morning I went to school to finish the HIV education at the primary school along with Gideon, my friend from the HIV+ group. It went very well and he did an amazing job. The kids really LOVED him and asked a lot of questions. I then stopped by Mr. Anton’s office to schedule the garden training for early November.
I was supposed to be going to Nkurenkuru with Lyambezi in the afternoon but when I returned to the clinic I found he had already left and forgot me. Typical. I ended up getting a ride with the ambulance and getting there in the afternoon. I made pizzas for Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and we played some spades.
Friday, Rachel, Juice and Ash showed up and we caught up and hung out. It was great to see them. Saturday we took them around Nkurenkuru and ended up visiting Selma, the friend of Sarah’s who has a monkey. I got to feed him. It’s sad that he’s kept on a chain but it was still fun. In the afternoon we all headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for the braai. It was awesome to see so many of the other 26ers. They had slaughtered a large goat so there was plenty of it on the grill. All the locals that they had befriended since arriving. I met a couple of World Teach volunteers who are currently living in Nankudu. They are very cool and I look forward to spending more time with them.
Hanging out, dancing and socializing was great fun but I’ve realized that I’m still not very good in those type of settings. I’m much more of a 1 on 1 kind of person in a more intimate situation. When there is a lot of people, I sort of clam up and become a wall flower. It also made me realize that in our large group of volunteers, Sarah is the person I’ve bonded with the most and that I don’t feel ‘really’ close to most of the others. Sure, I consider them friends and enjoy their company. But nothing like I have in friendships back home. I wonder how much of that is me not being open and how much of it is not having a lot in common with some these guys. Do you really need to have that much in common to establish a friendship and/or bond? I sometimes think I just question things too much and don’t just go with the flow. I need to let go.
Today, Sarah and I hung out, watched movies and napped in all this heat. I made it back to site around 7, unpacked and got a phone call from my friend Doug. It was great to hear his voice and catch up. I have a busy week this week so I’m gonna call it an early night.
Monday, October 6 - Wednesday, October 8:
Monday’s meeting went well and everyone had great things to say about the event from the previous week. We brainstormed a bit about the next event and then planned for the garden training coming up in November. The rest of the day I spent organizing my desk which was a mess and then I thought Gideon was bringing Lulu over for his birthday, but the electricity went out so we cancelled.
Yesterday was my day with the young OVCs which was great. I had the create ‘All About Me’ books in which I am going to have them draw or write in every week - they then can take them home at the end of this school term. They were all very creative. We talked about why only the boys drew cars while the girls drew flowers and suns. I talked to them again about trust and the trust cycles we will be going through. There are a couple of kids that are sticking out that I am falling in love with.
Today I worked on some emails, finished organizing my desk, worked in the pharmacy a bit and now I’m getting ready for my secondary OVC group. Tomorrow I head to Rundu with a shitload of things to do, then Friday I’m off to Winhoek.
Thursday, October 9:
Today we took off early from Mpungu in order to get to Rundu and kill many birds with a single stone. Of course, we didn’t take off on time AND the driver stopped by and handled many of his errands along the way so we didn’t arrive until around noon. That sucked, because we were then all hungry and yet we had a lot to do before eating.
We did end up accomplishing a lot! We purchased all the garden equipment though it took trips to several hardware stores to do so. We also picked up the rest of the supplies for the sewing business and it was fun to see the excitement in Veronica’s eyes as she was able to pick out all the fabric she wanted. We stopped by the Ministry of Forestry to drop off the tree request, picked up my paper from the PC office, went to the bank to open an account which we weren’t able to do, have lunch and also take my friends Fanual and Veronica on their first escalator ride. It was great. They were hesitant because they had not seen anything like it. Once they ‘jumped’ on, they smiled the whole way up and back down. There were young kids playing on the escalators. It was cute because it’s probably the most fun and excitement they have ever had. I got really pissed when an Afrikaaner woman came out of her store and yelled at them. I wanted to smack her and tell her to leave them alone.
They took off in the afternoon so they could swing by Nkurenkuru and pick up the 4 bikes the groups there donated to us and I hung out with Chris and Rachel before heading to Patrick’s to sleep. I had forgotten both my phone charger AND my ear plugs and wondered how I was going to survive the next few days.
Friday, October 10 - Sunday, October 12:
I am now a firm believer in using a sign when hiking. Kami had talked about it and I had thought about it every time I hiked but this time I was prepared. I had a sign that said Peace Corps Volunteer. Chris and I waited no more than 20 minutes in Rundu to get a hike to Otjiwarongo. The hike was interesting - an Afrikaaner woman who was heading there to pick up her sister in law who was fresh out of drug rehab. Only to get a call 20k from the town to hear that she was now missing and had made the trip for nothing. Fortunately she took us the rest of the way there. We hugged her and told her it would be okay.
We grabbed some food at SuperSpar and within another 20 minutes, had our ride to Windhoek. Right to Game to say the least. We bought some things, walked to Jan Jonker to check in, took a shower, met up with some others and then headed to the mall. I had really hoped there was be a good movie playing that I could justify spending N$45 on, but there was naught. 2 young British volunteers who are friends with Katie in Aronos were also in the city and they cooked dinner for us. I can’t imagine being 18 and that far from home.
The next morning we got together to discuss who was taking over what responsibilities from the former VSN board. I was chosen (or elected myself I should say) to be in charge of PR. That means that I have to send the newbies an email in the states before they arrive, redo the current handbook and submit monthly columns to the ‘All Included’ newsletter. I can handle that. That night most of us went to Primi for Italian and I had a FROZEN MARGHERITTA!!! I haven’t had one of those since leaving the states. I also had a mojito. Damn.
There were things I needed to do that I kept missing out on because of mall hours so we decided to not start the next day until 11. I ran to the mall early and finished some errands. We then organized the training of VSN for the new group coming next month. It was fun and I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Brooke and Katie were amazing and I’m glad they have taken the positions of trainer and coordinator. We then went to SPURS for dinner and I had a hamburger and it was GOOD!
Monday, October 13 - Wednesday, October 15:
Well, I lost faith in the sign because it was the hiking day from hell. Chris had decided to pay for a combi because he needed to get back to site. I thought, what the hell, I’ll just hike on my own. I started hiking at 6:30 in the morning. I arrived in Rundu (700k away) just past 7pm. It was ridiculously hot and tiring and I was cursing PC under my breath. Thing is, I could have paid to hike as well, but was being a cheapskate. I thought I was going to be trapped in Otavi but at the last minute managed a hike with some people heading to Zambia.
Jehan was in Rundu at Molly’s so we all caught up and watched a bit of a movie, then I crashed. Or tried to anyways, it was so hot and I was without a fan.
I had some errands to do in Rundu the next day so after accomplishing those, I went to Engen for about 45 minutes before landing a hellashis hike to Nkurenkuru. It was in the back of a truck so there was the heat and the truck was falling apart and had no suspension so combine that with all the construction on the road and I was miserable. But I managed to laugh it off. After that long ride, I decided to just crash at Sarah and come home the next day.
This morning I caught a ride with Janne, the Finnish missionary all the way to my clinic. I unpacked, tried out the new hose on my plants, moved the bikes from Fanuel’s office to my house, finished the letter to the newbies, uploaded the pics from my camera, walked to the store for milk and eggs, made lunch and then dinner and have been watching Weeds, Season 4. I’m glad to be back at site and don’t want leave it for awhile. I did find out that Sarah’s parents are coming at the end of November so if the money for my theater equipment comes in on time, I can get them to transport it back to here for me. That would be perfect. Also, I’m 8 weeks from my big vacation!! I cannot wait!
Thursday, October 16:
LONG, ass day. But the best part didn’t happen til later. On the way back from dinner at the school I was confronted with the ghosts of Christmas, lol. First, I hear and then see a very newborn baby goat with its mother near by. I take the opportunity to stop and try to pet it only to discover there is something really wrong with it and as I pick it up, I then notice the shit and blood crusting out of its ass. I now have shit and blood on my t-shirt. There’s a second where I realize this goat is going to be some wild animal’s dinner tonight and wonder whether I should put it out of its misery. I chicken out.
Halfway home I notice something scurry across the road in front of me and as I direct my headlamp I confront a rather large spider. What’s funny about this is that at dinner, Dinah was describing a large, poisonous spider that she was saw in Rundu the week before. A very aggressive, poisonous spider. This one, matched her description.
I then, get back to the clinic to hear a girl screaming and many people hanging around. Typically, the clinic is dead this time of night. Come to find out, a girl was bitten by a snake. I worry every time I am out at night walking around that I will be bitten by a snake. Also, the barber from Nkurenkuru is here with his uncle who is going to have to stay a night at the clinic. He and his friend have no place to stay so I have offered them my spare bedroom. I instantly went to this place in my head of ‘I need to lock all my closet doors’. I hate the fact that I went there, but I did. So I came home and locked the doors just in case they come over.
Friday October, 17 - Tuesday, October 21:
Friday I did the usual by working in the pharmacy until around 1 and then cleaning up the house a bit before Sarah arrived. I LOVE having company out here. She came later in the afternoon so we walked to the tuck shop for some beers, made dinner and then chilled out for the night.
Saturday, we had planned on getting up early to go for a long bike ride but it didn’t happen. She’s been having problems sleeping and being out here without a fan didn’t help. We had breakfast, played cards and watched Weeds most of the day. Once it cooled off, we went for our ride. We made it all the way to Katope (about 11k away). We thought we would be blessed with some cool drinks but their one tuck shop was out and we weren’t smart enough to take water with us. We were dying. It started to rain a bit on the way home.
We stopped by the tuck shop in Mpungu, bought some water and more beers and headed home. We taught ourselves how to play Rook - which 1. I suck at and 2. I’m still not convinced is a decent game for just two people. We then settled in for some more weeds.
Sunday we chilled most of the day while she waited her ride back to site. The rest of the day I cleaned my house and worked on my garden. I am going to plant a new bed each night this week and hopefully Sakeus will have my fence done before things start coming up and the goats eat them.
Monday I had a GREAT meeting with the group. The majority of them showed up on time and we got a lot accomplished. I feel like they are really starting to come together and we can move forward with getting things done. We talked and planned the next HIV Awareness day, discussed the theater project and finalized plans for the garden. If everything goes well, we should have the garden started the first week of November and the theater equipment should be here by the end of that month. Yippee! The rest of the day I worked on some details for the event and talked to the pastor about using the church for the garden training.
Today I meant to spend the morning preparing for my OVC stuff, but ended up getting sidetracked by other things. Most of my OVCs were early today for some reason, so I let them come in and we talked a little about math while we waited for others to arrive. MANY showed up today and I had about 25 kids in my flat. We talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up and I had them draw it in their all about me books. Most wanted to be doctors, nurses or teachers but one kid wanted to be the president of the country. I was like, GO FOR IT KIDDO! I was happy to see someone have ambition above and beyond what most people dream for.
During our class we kept getting interrupted by the local kids wanting to use my squirt guns and then one of the men from the church stopped by and said they are starting a men’s group and they want me to be a part of it. Damn! I’m VERY excited about that, but more excited that they have asked me to join. They are asking an outsider, a white person, be a part of their group. It made my day.
Wednesday, October 22 - Friday, October 24:
Wednesday I spent the morning getting ready for my OVCs in the afternoon. Gideon and Lulu stopped by so he could charge his phone and they just stayed. I kep hinting at the fact that I needed to be working but they just sat there so I felt the need to entertain Lulu.
In the afternoon, only 1 kid showed up for the OVC and neither of my assistants. It was then that I made the decision to combine the groups into the one big one on Tuesdays. He seemed to understand so I really hope he comes next week. I used the rest of the day to work on some ideas for our next HIV Awareness event. Veronica and the landlord for their sewing business stopped by so we could draw up a lease. What should have taken 30 minutes, took close to 90.
Thursday, with nothing to do really, I decided to work in the pharmacy a bit. Before I made it there though, Veronica and Berta stopped by to create the price list for their business and to discuss some problems they were having with each other. Berta’s mother wants to move to Rundu for a month or two because of problems she is having with someone in the community and she wants Berta to go with her. So of course, Veronica feels abandoned and Berta doesn’t want to NOT be a part of the business. They reason I mention all of this is that in the midst of this, while Hellini and Saki (Veronica and Fanuel’s children were playing). Hellini just stood up and started peeing on my floor. No expression of surprise or guilt on her face. Just like she was coloring - that exact same amount of enthusiasm. The others were talking and no paying attention and so I was like, ‘Hellini! Siga! Hellini!’ but she just kept on creating a big puddle on the floor and the other’s didn’t notice. Finally Veronica did notice and tried to stop her but she kept on and then started walking in it and then around my house. I was sort of shocked and frozen - not knowing exactly what to do. I didn’t really have anything I could use to clean it up except a dish towel and I didn’t want to have to clean it later. I just said I didn’t have anything and so Veronica went to the clinic to borrow a mop.
The interesting thing about all of this is that there was no apology, no embarrassment, NOTHING on the part of Veronica or Fanuel. It was like her peeing on the floor was no different than carrying sand in on her feet. At first I was very taken aback by this…I mean, their child just pissed all over my floor! And then I started thinking about it. Why SHOULD either of them be embarrassed or apologetic. They had no control over her doing that…or did they? We, as Americas, get so bent out of shape when something extreme or uncomfortable happens and the first thing we do is look for someone to blame or someone to take responsibility. Why did I think it necessary that they apologize or feel badly for what happened? How does that affect me? Is it a form of control or feeling better than someone? I mean really…if they had been all “I’m so sorry, OMG, I’m so ebararssed’. I would have immediately told them it was okay and they should laugh about it, that’s it’s no big deal. So…if I really feel that way and MOST of us feel that way in similar situations, why IS there a need for the other person to grovel and feel weird? Seriously…why?
Saturday, October 25 - Tuesday, October 28:
This morning I went for a long bike ride and then worked in my garden, preparing beds. I then decided it was time to cut my hair. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me. I haven’t cut it since I left the states but it was time. Dinah and John were going to Nkurenkuru so I decided to join them for that and also get some groceries. When I returned, the nurses went on and on about my shaved head - so I guess it was a hit. Wapa usili!!
Later that day, I went up to play cards with them. It was a lot of fun. The best part was watching Dinah get drunk off wine and how it affected her playing. Sakeus stopped by there house and he said he’d be at mine tomorrow to finish my fence.
Sunday rolled around. Sakeus showed up to finish the fence and I made him pancakes. We then talked for a bit about this and that and I went about my day. I honestly can’t remember what I did.
Monday morning we had out meeting and once again I was happy that the majority of people showed up on time. We began discussing the garden and it led to some issues - more with UMYA members than anything. UMYA is the home-based health care group I helped organize training for back in June. Unfortunately Risto, the guy in charge of UMYA hasn’t done shit since and so none of them have clients or even their kits. I unfortunately had to tell them that until they get clients, they could not be a part of the garden. They seemed to understand okay. We also talked about our next event and scheduled it for Nov. 15.
We then walked down to see the sewing business. I discovered along the way that Berta has decided to leave for a few months which leaves the business completely up to Veronica. This really sucks because I have worked so hard to get this thing going for them and now it’s at a standstill once again. I suggested to both of them that they open up the business to include a group of ladies (which honestly is what I should have done in the first place) but they weren’t interested. I don’t know how Veronica is going to manage to open this place up with 2 kids in tow. It’s no wonder most things don’t turn out here - there is always something that gets in the way.
Esther, the woman who wanted to start the kindergarten was at the meeting and I hadn’t seen her in about a month. I asked her where she was with everything and she handed me her hand-written proposal. I was happy to see that we were still moving forward with this project. I told her to come back tomorrow (cause I was wiped out) and we would type up a formal proposal together.
Today I made preparations for the afternoon OVC program while I waited for Esther to arrive. She was late, but we were able to get everything done by lunch time. The kids showed up early - as they have been - and we got started promptly at 2:30. We meditated, played the name game (more for me to learn each of their name’s than them but 2 birds with one stone), we talked about stigma and I had them draw pictures of their homesteads in their ‘All About Me’ books. They then took turns talking about them. It was sort of amusing. Many of the kids who had initially told me that their mother or father had died, talked about how they lived with their mother and father. My initial reaction - control freak reaction - was to say ‘hey, this is an OVC program ONLY!’ you need to leave. But here’s the deal…what is a ‘vulnerable’ child anyways? Just because the definition by the Ministry of Gender states it’s a child who has lost a parent…aren’t all these kids vulnerable in some way? So fuck it! I’m going to keep doing this after school program for whomever shows up. Now, if it gets to the point where I have 200 kids coming…I may have to draw the line, lol.
Wednesday, October 29 - Friday, October 31:
Wednesday was one of those ‘I have absolutely NOTHING to do days’. So that’s pretty much how it went. Thursday there wasn’t much going on mainly because I was waiting on an afternoon ride to Nkurenkuru. I cleaned my place, cancelled dinner plans with the other volunteers and basically just hung out waiting - thinking that my super was going to be back around 2 or 3 and I would ride with the car on it’s return. 8:00 pm rolls around with still no car. I finally send a text to make sure they are still coming - already getting pissed that I have missed the opportunity to go there tonight AND it would cause me to miss my free ride to Rundu Friday morning with Janne. Lyambezi calls me back to inform me that the car got into an accident and they won’t be getting here until very late. Problem was, that Sarah was not home so I was crashing with Scot and Lindsey and they go to bed early because of school. It’s just funny to me how things happen here and there is so many obstacles one has to work around in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks.
Friday I got up VERY early and walked the 1k to the hike point thinking that MAYBE I could make it in time. For about 30 minutes I just sat there, no cars at all and then as luck would have it, Selma - a friend of Sarah’s, stopped. She was on her way back to Nkurenkuru from her farm. Not only did I make it in time to catch Janne but it was free AND I saw the most beautiful sunrise of this season. It was a big lesson in not getting bent out of shape - that things always seem to work out the way they were supposed to.
Upon arrival in Rundu, I had a plethora of things to do and I set about accomplishing them before dark. I bought elbow brackets at the hardware store, went to the bank, stopped by Nawa Life and the Forestry Department, bought Tengo, had lunch, printed out many documents at the office, bought laminating sheets for birth certificates and a potato masher, lol. All in all, a very productive day.
I met up with Sarah and everyone later at the office to go buy booze for the evenings festivities. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, today marked one year ago I we left the states. One year. Damn…I realize there have been times where the days seem as though they were dragging on but I have to say that this past year has just WHIZZED by my face.
Everyone converged at Maggies, put on their Halloween costumes and began to enjoy the evening. Sarah and I went as Scot and Lindsey - our favorite Nam26er couple. Skyla was a dust bunny, Ben a wrestler, Lindsey went as Sarah Palin and Scot as Joe the Plumber, Rach was Dwight from the Office, Juice went as Maggie B, Maggie N. was a deviled egg, Christine and Alex were characters from some story I was not privy too, Cedar and Carrie went as traditional Himba women, the voice was a ninja and Lisa was a monk. I thought all the costumes were very creative given the fact that we don’t have a Capel’s or one of those temporary stores that pop up around this time. In fact, they don’t celebrate Halloween here at all. I has been quite interesting to try and explain it to Namibians. They can’t wrap their mind around the fact that children go door to door saying ‘trick or treat’ and people give them things for doing that. They all want to know WHAT ELSE the children have to work at to receive the sweets, lol. Overall, the night was fantastic, I drank too much and went to bed. A good way to put an end to my first year.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Damn it's getting hot around here...
Monday, September 1:
I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?
Tuesday, September 2:
I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?
Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):
Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.
Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:
Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.
Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:
We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.
Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:
Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:
The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.
Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:
I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.
Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:
This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.
Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:
On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.
Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:
Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!
I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.
I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.
We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.
As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?
Tuesday, September 2:
I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.
Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?
Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):
Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.
How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.
I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.
What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!
Now….what the hell do I do? Lol
Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.
I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.
Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:
Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!
Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.
Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.
This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.
Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:
We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.
Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.
Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.
Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.
Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.
I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.
Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:
Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.
The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!
Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.
Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.
Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:
The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.
Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:
I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.
In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.
It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.
I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.
Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.
So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.
And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.
So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.
Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.
Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:
This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.
Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.
When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.
Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:
On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.
Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.
A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.
Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.
A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.
Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.
I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.
I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.
By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.
Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.
I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.
Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:
Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.
Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.
Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.
The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.
We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Adrenaline Junkie
Monday, August 4 - Tuesday, August 5:
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Address and Contact Information
I thought there was a place for people to contact me after reading my blog if they so chose. I realize that is not the case. For those of you who have read my blog and are interested in staying in more direct contact with me and/or being a part of some of the projects I am working on, please email me at pcvdlc@yahoo.com. If you want, you can also snail mail me at PO Box 6115, Nkurenkuru, Namibia, Africa. Peace...
Monday, August 4, 2008
July Came and Went...
Tuesday, July 1 - Tuesday, July 8:
Last week I had hoped would be the first week back on track with everything. When I say everything, I mean continual work on all the projects - garden, building, etc. The Thursday before at the meeting that only a few showed up to, they gave me all the days and times for when they would be around for work. Wednesday, we were supposed to start working on the garden again. Wednesday came and no one showed up. I did what I always do and went up to the garden and put in some time. Still…no one else showed up. I made the decision that unless at least one other person shows, I am not going to work in the garden alone. The garden is supposed to be for them…they need to take some ownership.
Thursday morning came and went without anyone showing up for the project meeting and then only 3 showed up to English. Few showing up for that doesn’t bother me all that much because teaching English isn’t a priority like the other things. After English and some lunch and then Lyambezi wanting to use my computer to write an accident report, I headed to the hike point to make it to Nkurenkuru. I waited about 3 hours and just (of course) when I had given up and was going to head home, my ride came. This time, with an Evangelical pastor who proceeded to try and ‘save’ me for the next hour.
At Sarah’s I had a package waiting from Craig. Craig is someone I don’t know at all. We just ran into each other online and he was kind enough to send me some stuff. He had no idea Dove chocolates are my favorite in the world - and they made it here without melting!
Friday morning I waited for Janne (Suvi’s husband) to pick me up around 7:30 and we headed to Rundu. We had a great conversation about Namibia on the way there. He dropped me off at the TRC. I ran into Justin and we caught up a bit, then I headed into town to run a bunch of errands. I met Juice at the carwash for lunch then as I was heading back to the TRC to see Mary, I got a text from my hetero life partner Kennedy (in Caprivi). Come to find out he was in Rundu for the big party! I grabbed a taxi and headed to Patrick’s to see him. He’s my bud, what can I say. He and I and Thea headed into town to get them something to eat. We ended up going to the Omashari for pizza - okay, twice in a 2 week period, I know I’m really splurging. We returned to Patrick’s and crashed. While we were there, most of the 26ers were at Maggie’s. That night, Alex got burned accidentally by a firecracker and the next day he was flown to Windhoek. He’s freaked out that he might be sent home because of the incident.
Saturday I found out Rachel we in town. She had caught the best hike ever. She flew in with Gaspar (the American Embassy guy) in his private plane. Talk about luck. She was meeting Ash and Juice at the Omashari for pizza but since I had just partaken the night before, I passed on lunch but stopped to say hi. Come to find out, she might be transferred to Rundu because she was attached in her flat at her site. She’s okay and nothing too horrible happened, but she’s on PEP and Hannah B. wants her out of her current place as soon as possible. I’m excited about the possibility of her coming up north, but feel badly about the circumstances.
We then went shopping for stuff to braii at the Bavaria later, headed back to Patrick’s to catch an episode of Lost Season 4. Yes, I FINALLY got it! Around 4:30 we all headed to the lodge and the festivities. It was fantastic. Many 26ers I hadn’t seen since shadowing and initial site visit. It was GREAT catching up with Mary from Andara. The entire evening was great. Everyone chilling out, yeah, there was some alcohol involved, but no one got crazy. I discovered I enjoy Absolut Kurrant with 7-Up - my drink of choice keeps changing. Jeff and I headed back to papa bear’s around 10:30 and went right to bed.
Sunday I was waiting on SNL to text me so we could all hike back together. I went and got some groceries and met them at Engin. While we were waiting on our combi to leave, I ran into Lyambezi. That man is very funny and I’m going to have to talk to him. He KNEW I was in Rundu and would be needing a ride back. What is so hard about sending me a text and telling me when he is heading to Mpungu. This happens quite a lot. He did say if I couldn’t get out of Nkurenkuru that I could catch a ride with him.
When I got to Sarah’s, I decided to do just that. So I texted him and waited. Waiting long enough that I was there when Sarah got home!!! YEAH!!! It’s hard to believe it’s been a month! We caught up a bit, but Michael from BEN Bikes was with her and his assistant (they came up for a meeting the next day). Lyambezi never called so I just slept there. Monday, I waited 3 hours for a hike back to the village and took it easy. I unpacked, caught up on some stuff here, hung with Efuta, then watched back to back episodes of Lost until I fell asleep. I had promised myself I was going to only watch one a week and stretch it out…so much for that.
Today, I worked ALL day in the pharmacy. Organizing and labeling. I also told Lyambezi that I wanted to work as the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This will give me something to do AND help out the nursing staff. I have a feeling in the next month all the down time I’ve been complaining about having is going to come to a screeching halt and you will begin to hear me complain about having NO time to myself, lol. If it isn’t one extreme it’s the other.
Wednesday, July 9 - Thursday, July 10:
A few of the women from the support group showed up so we worked in the garden for a bit. Digging up tree roots is NOT easy, lol. I have the blisters to prove it. We worked for about 2 hours then I came back and just chilled a bit before lunch. I then prepared for English, cooked dinner and watched some Scrubs. Today, no one showed up for the 9 am meeting (I’m not surprised by things like this any more yet still annoyed). English club went really well and was fun. I then met with the 4 learners who are going to help me with the OVC project to discuss some ideas and make plans for the first meeting. We scheduled it for the first week of the 2nd term. I’m looking very forward to it.
I just returned from the VSOs for dinner which was nice. Dinah gave me a large bottle of Amarula which is similar to Bailey’s Irish Cream. Now, if I only had some eggnog, lol. Tomorrow I am headed to Nkurenkuru for the weekend to hang with Sarah. We have a LOT to catch up with!
Friday, July 11 - Sunday, July 13:
I waited for people to show up to work on the building to no avail, so I called it quits, worked on some things at the house and headed to Rundu. Fortunately there was a car at the clinic heading that way so I didn’t have to hike. Sarah and Lindsey were at her school working on preparations for Saturday’s Talent Show for her AIDS club. I met them there, then Sarah and headed to her house. The rest of the day was low key and we made chili for dinner. We stayed up late watching LOST - too late, and then crashed.
Saturday I ran to the post to find 2 packages waiting for me - thanks again Patti and mom! A little after noon we headed to the school with the supplies. Some of the boys were setting up the tent already. Why they needed a tent I’m not sure. I played with some younger kids who were just hanging around. About 5 I headed back to Sarah’s because I needed to go grocery shopping before the store closed. Also, Stephanie and her boyfriend had stopped by for the day so we hung out a bit. I shopped, waited for Lindsey to shower, then we headed back to the school.
The show was supposed to start around 5, but didn’t get going until around 7:30. Sarah and I were in charge of the door. Selling tickets and letting people in. It was fun but a lot of work. People claiming they had paid for tickets but didn’t have it on them. Older, drunk guys wanting to force their way in because of who they were. I was in charge of trying to keep the event alcohol free. I turned many a drunk man away, lol. The power was nice…I felt like Vin Diesel (he used to be a bouncer before he was an actor ya know!). After a few hours, we wanted to see some of the show and so at that point, we dis-manned the doors and forced our way to the front of the crowd. They were in the dance portion of the show. It was AMAZING! These kids could KRUMP like nobody’s business. On top of that, they were doing it on a stage made from the desks of the library, lol. Many were not wearing shoes or were wearing badly worn flip flops. This did NOT deter them one bit. It’s amazing what people will accept as just part of their lives and work with it. While in the states, we tend to bitch and moan about the silliest shit.
This morning I left around 11, waited a few hours or a ride, snagged a free one, got back here, now I am settling back in. I’m gonna practice the guitar here in a bit then read.
Monday, July 14 - Thursday, July 17:
If I don’t write in this thing every day, the time tends to get blurred and I forget what has occurred. Monday I worked in the pharmacy all day. I have taken on the task of being the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This helps the clinic staff out and gives me a day of having something concrete to do. I spent the day alphabetizing and labeling the medicine and supplies. I will actually be dispensing medication for patients starting next week.
Tuesday I continued to work in the pharmacy to finish up the organization and that took all day. Wednesday, 3 people showed up to work in the garden so we cranked out a few hours. That afternoon, I checked email to discover that one of the NGOs I submitted the proposal for the garden to, is not going to be able to help me. It’s also not going to be able to help me with 3 of the other ones I submitted. That was a big let down. Ya see, with it going on 6 months that I’ve been at site…I really need to feel like or see something accomplished. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m doing some good here when I don’t see anything directly. I know that’s the ‘immediate gratification’ need within myself…but honestly, it’s hard to be here day after day, working towards things that seem to get farther and farther away.
How does one keep the faith when there doesn’t seem to be evidence of anything? It’s very frustrating and ends up circling back to my insecurities about being here in the first place. I talked with Sarah about it - who is amazing at all this community work because she’s had MUCH more experience in it. She seemed to think that I haven’t really laid the ground work for getting the people who I need to be involved in the projects…INVOLVED. I feel like I have done my best but I also know that my shy side has kept me from spending time just talking with people. When I hold meetings - the ones where people actually attend - I usually take control of them in order for there to be organization. I think this is one of the first problems. I should let the meetings run themselves and not try to control them. Maybe it IS my fault that things are going as well as I’d hoped. Now the question arises…do I have time to ‘start over’? And do I really need to start completely over or just find some common ground.
I realize that I came into the Peace Corps just wanting to go to another country and ‘work’. To do some good and make a difference. PC doesn’t really work that way though. You have to do ‘community development’ and that involves working with what? The community. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit around and wait for them to come to me and to spend 5 hours in a meeting and have nothing accomplished. The problem with my lack of patience and desire to get a lot accomplished though, clashes with this particular culture.
Is this entire experience about me learning to slow down and see the bigger picture? I do know on some level that months from now…even a year from now…I will look back and see that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess there is just a part of me that wants to see results cause I want the people I am working with to see that I’m actually doing something. But when you filter that down…it’s about ME needing to see that I am doing something here. Is that a bad thing though? If I was working at a job in the states and not accomplishing anything and not finding passion in it…wouldn’t I quit? Why would anyone stay in that place. This is a slightly different situation, so I guess I need to step back and re-evaluate once again.
I have also discovered that I compare my resources to those of others…especially Sarah. It’s the simple things like a fax machine, printer, copier, etc. I don’t have immediate access to those and I sometimes blame that for why I am not more productive. That’s a lousy excuse. THAT filters down to me playing the victim role which I do from time to time.
During all of this emotional shit…my sister called Tuesday night, very upset, to tell me that my dad was having an outpatient procedure done on Thursday morning to see if there is a blockage in his heart. I felt bad that she was so distraught and that I wasn’t there to do anything. I comforted her the best I could. She tends to worry about things much more than I do…she definitely gets that from mom.
I talked to my dad today (Thursday) after the procedure and he was fine and they didn’t find any blockages. Now he will go on medication for about 6 months and he should be fine. One of my biggest fears about being in Africa has nothing to do with ME being in Africa. It’s that something will happen to one of my ‘rents while I am here. I try not to think about it, but it creeps up from time to time - ESPECIALLY when I get news like this. I wanted to grow didn’t I?
Today I got up early to hike to Nkurenkuru for a CACOC meeting. I waited about an hour before landing a ride. I then was in his vehicle for about an hour while he drove around picking people up and then back to Mpungu because he forgot someone. He then proceeded to stop in Nepara (1/2 way to Nkurenkuru) and tell me he decided NOT to go there. So here I was, already late and stuck in a place where there is VERY little traffic. I was cursing this country for about 30 minutes, lol. I finally got a ride, got to Sarah’s, to find out they cancelled the meeting THIS morning! F’N FRUSTRATING!
Sarah and I caught up, ran some errands, walked to the fish farm for some onions and carrots, cooked lunch, played some Phase 10,checked the post, watched some Scrubs, made Gadi-Gadi for dinner and now she’s on the phone with her sister. It’s time for bed!
Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20:
It’s a bittersweet irony that the person I’m closest to in the PC (emotionally and physically) has so much experience with community development. All of Sarah’s projects and people seem to be going full-strength ahead with lots of motivation while mine have come to a standstill. On one side, for me, I can bounce things off her to figure out what I’m doing wrong. On the other hand, it infuriates my ego to have to lean on her for support. AND the whole comparison thing that I do so well.
I haven’t been sitting on my ass at site but I haven’t been doing things the way should have probably been done in order to keep the motivation going. This is just going to require me to ‘re-focus’ which is a word I keep throwing around. The problem I have with doing that, is that I feel like I am running out of time. It’s funny how when I first got to site and was so freaked out about being in the village that I wanted time to go by quickly. I kept counting down the days til I got to leave site or got to leave the country. Now I fear that I don’t have enough time to complete the projects I’ve started in the next 16 months! It’s already the end of July (practically) and then there’s August which will go by quickly cause I’ve planned a week’s vacation at the end of the month. Then it’s September and I start my OVC program.
ADHD - back to the garden project. Maybe if I have a meeting and the people decide that we don’t need the extensive fence that initially they asked for and the water tank and such. Maybe if we fenced in a smaller portion of the garden area with thornbush, got NamWater to install the pump, that we could round up the money in a smaller proposal for the garden implements and seeds. THAT way we could get planting very soon and then I could try and get money for a fence during the rest of my time here. Maybe there is even a way to build a cheaper fence…one that would keep the animals out and we would have to hope and pray people wouldn’t steal the food. Sarah has had no problem with theft….yet. But in the next few weeks her stuff will be ready to harvest, so we’ll see what happens.
As far as the building goes. I should have a large community meeting and get more people on board with the project. Also, maybe we are shooting too high to get an actual Community Hall type structure built. I mean, Mpungu isn’t even a town yet and it’s years from becoming one. Also, when that happens, the Ministry of Urban Development will come in and build one. I should just focus on getting a structure built that can be utilized sooner than later. One that won’t cost N$150,000. I could probably get built for closer to N$30,000. We don’t need a super nice roof or electricity or anything like that. It just needs to be a structure with a window and a door and something to keep the rain out. We can enclose it completely to keep out ‘skidders’ (mosquitoes - no, it’s not a Rukwangali word, it’s a hillbilly word).
I know things will work out and this is one of those HUGE lessons in me learning to be patient. It’s also teaching me other things about community development that I’ve realized I just don’t have a passion for. Can I do it while I’m here and find some joy in my accomplishments…I believe so. It’s funny, I knew coming into the PC that I would be challenged…how can one not, right? But the things that I’m having the most difficulty with are not things I thought would come up. I’ll say it again…it’s all about growth, right?
So now that I’ve vented about all of that, I’ll fill ya in about the weekend. Friday we hung out, cooked good food, went to the salon (Sarah got buzzed and I got micro-corn rolls - not quite Bo Derek but I think they are pretty sexy, lol), then we played Phase 10 and Pictionary with Ben, Scot, Lindsey and Christine. It was fun. Saturday we went to the Cultural Dancing Contest at Lindsey’s school. THIS was awesome and it made me wish we didn’t see this kind of stuff more often. Kids from various grades competed against one another in traditional clothing and dances that they put together with current messages - like safer sex, etc. The dancing was amazing! As I sat and watched, I realized that this was a part of their culture that is weeding it’s way out. I mean, people don’t do these types of dances for specific reasons anymore. They used to be done in order to have good harvests, get rain to come, bless the birth of a child, etc. Now they are only brought out during events like this or to satisfy the curiosity of tourists. Some PCVs have told me that when tourists travel through their village, the kids are required to leave class and dance for them. The kids are supposed to benefit financially from this but they never see the money. Most principals or higher-ups pocket it for themselves. If they were getting it, I wouldn’t feel quite as bad but it’s kind of gross that these children are forced to ‘dance for the white man for change’. It’s really sickening.
So, with each new generation, these dances and other cultural parts of their history are lost. I wonder how many years it will take before they are completely forgotten. Probably not as long as I would think.
Later that day Sarah and I watched a movie, she made amazing lentil burgers, then we played Monopoly with the gang. I was the first to lose and usually I’m a VERY bad loser…but I handled it with dignity, lol. We came back and watched some Scrubs and fell asleep. I will be heading home after lunch and just chill the rest of the day. Pick up the guitar a bit and possibly do some yoga. I need to find the strength to somewhat ‘start-over’ and see if I can still make some progress with the things I’m doing at site. If I could get past the ‘comparing’ thing and rely strictly on the praise I get from my supervisor and others, I would realize that I’m doing fine as I am. But is it wrong to expect more from yourself and if not, what is the difference or line per se between having high expectations and never feeling like what you are doing is good enough?
Monday, July 21 - Friday, July 25:
Spank me! I’m a bad ‘journal keeper-upper’. As I said last time, I came back to site with a new found focus and mission. I met with Lyambezi to discuss the changes in our initial plan for things and he was on board. So yesterday morning I sat and waited for people to show up for the meeting. A handful actually did, so things were accomplished. They were actually excited about starting the garden at the clinic and understood what was going on with the funding for the larger one. We also got into a discussion about the theater project - with a lot of arguing about who should be the recipients of the income from it - we left it open for much more discussion.
As I knew it would, when I mentioned that the funding for Veronica and Berta’s sewing business had come through and that I was picking up the machines this coming week, people were full of ideas of their own businesses. I just laughed and rolled my eyes - thinking that I’ve only been here 6 months..where were all these ideas before? Lol.
I also met with both principals this week for them to make announcements about the after school OVC program for the beginning of next term. When I was at the primary school, a couple of the teachers (who I guess live very close to me at the clinic) said they wanted to start exercising and wanted some tips from me. I told them to stop by my house any time and I’d show them some things. Well alas, last night when I was right in the middle of making carrot curry for Christine, Dinah and John, they showed up. This is one of the things I find funny about Namibians. Any American would see that they have walked in on me being very busy and getting ready for dinner. It was rather obvious - things on the stove, candles on the table (yes, candles..you can take the gay boy out of the city but that doesn’t mean I can entertain to the best of my ability in the village!)…so they came in and I’m stirring the potatoes and explaining to the what is going on and can I talk to them tomorrow or the week I get back. ‘NO’ would not be accepted, as an answer. They kept insisting on me showing them some things RIGHT THEN so they could start exercising. I turned the food down and showed them how to do crunches, knee to elbow sit-ups and leg lifts for the lower abs. It was just funny.
Dinner ended up being a great success - ya see, it’s the first time I’ve cooked on Thursday night. I have no excuse but fear for why I hadn’t participated yet. Guess I feel I am not a good cook and was worried they would show up for a good meal and be disappointed - they were not! Dinah was going off on how much space I had because her and John’s is so small. Overall, a fantastic night of food and conversation and I’m excited about the next time I get to have them down.
Today I begin my trek to Windhoek for my medical and dental check up. I’m not taking my computer, so journaling will be by hand until I return. I’m going to make it to Rundu today, Okahandja on Sat and then Wind by Sun. It’s funny timing-wise because just this past week I was flossing and had some pain between two back teeth. That was when I noticed that one tooth is loose. I would not want to be here in the village with a serious toothache, so hopefully the dentist can nip this in the bud. Unfortunately that probably means I will have to stay a few extra days. We’ll see.
Saturday, July 26 - Sunday, August 3:
So Friday I got a hike with Dinah and john to rundu. I was planning on staying at Patricks and had ‘booked’ a night with him a week before. He told me he was going to be away but he would tell Molly, the new crisis corp volunteer would be there so no problem. I arrived early, dropped off my bags (she wasn’t around so I hid them) and went to meet Rachel for dinner. She was transferred from her site to our area because she was attacked at hers.
After dinner I started texting molly to find out if she was home before I walked the 30 minutes back to patricks. At 830 when I hadn’t heard, I assumed something was wrong with the phone so I headed there anyways. I arrived to a dark house, knocked, no answer and got in the hammock to chill while I waited for her. I fell asleep and woke up around midnight. Knocked again, still no response. So what is a pc volunteer to do??? Sleep on the ground outside. That’s what I did.
The next morning, I was awakened to the flushing of the toilet INSIDE the house. I knocked and low and behold, Molly answered. She ahd been there the whole night but never heard me knock or speak her name, lol. TIN!
Saturday morning, after waiting 3 hours, I ended up getting a free hike all the way to okahandja to Ruth’s front door. I hung out with her which was awesome. She is our ‘grandmother’ of the group – she is 70. Sunday, I got up to catch a hike to Windhoek. I found one right away but they were going to a house first then would pick me up in town. They drove right by me the bastards and left me hanging – it’s very typical. So I headed to the road and caught a free hike with the regional counselor from Mariental who had just left Swakopmund.
The first thing I did was drop my bag and head to the mall where I walked to the theater and discovered Sex and The City was playing in 10 minutes!!! The movie was cute but a tad over the top. When finished, I began texting some of the gay guys I had met via my blog who had offered me dinner and places to crash. I connected with roelof a 55 year old spanierd who has lived here for 26 years. We had a great dinner and conversation and then I crashed at his place. MISTAKE!!! Lol, he has this old chiming clock that is broken and LOUD and every hour goes off like 15 times!!!! Unfortunately I left my ear plugs at ruths and so I didn’t get much sleep that night.
So on Monday I started catching up with other volunteers as they arrived for their medical. I also had planned on meeting up with Chico, another guy who lives in Windhoek that I had met online. I went to see The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Jeff and Lily and it rocked. It is by far the best thing I’ve seen all year - American standards, not Namibia, lol. Spent some of the day just wandering around and doing a little shopping - I bought a wok! That night I met up with Chico, had a quick bite and then crashed at his place - since I still wasn’t checked into the lodge. I have to say, after 9 months of no sex, it was really nice to lay in bed next to someone. It’s amazing how good that simple gesture feels and how much I have missed it. Course, it made me miss Mark that much more. One of my most favorite things was curling up next to him - especially on a cold winter’s night and falling to sleep with his scent in my face.
Tuesday I hung around the PC office and lounge. I gave Linda a copy of the Rukwangali text book that I’ve been working on and she and Edward were very impressed. It felt good to see all my hard work printed out and in my hand. I still have to get a few copies to Magreth and Anna Marie for some last minute proofing but otherwise, it looks damn good.
Later that day I checked into my room and then a bunch of us went to Jeff’s and ordered Taal and had it delivered. It of course was good, but I think I’m actually preferring Ben’s curry more. Chico was actually going to come over and spend the night with me, but our wires got crossed and it didn’t happen. Just as well.
Wednesday I reported to the med office to start all of that business. They whisked me off to the dentist only to discover my appt. was the next day, so they brought me back. Let me backtrack by saying that I was suppose to meet with the PCMO before my dentist but she moved my appt. til after. So upon returning from the dentist, I had a few hours to kill. I went and purchased the sewing machine for the Veronica and Berta. I then returned to the office only to find they decided to push my appt. til the next day. Such is PC life. BE FLEXIBLE! Lol.
That night, Chico came over and yes, well, um…I had sex. Sex for the first time in 9 months. It was very weird. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. A lot actually. But there was something different about this. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so much in the past 9 months, but…I didn’t enjoy it. It felt vacant and weird. I felt like I was going through motions but not experiencing any sensation. It dawned on me when it was all over that I’ve what was missing was the emotional component. Now…I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of the time I left that part out on purpose. Basically I was just getting off and I always thought that was okay with me. I’ve realized now though that without it, I feel empty. Oddly enough, there was also a little guilt. I kept trying to figure out where that was coming from. I mean, Mark and I are not together. There is no commitment there currently cause frankly, I wouldn’t ask that of him…not with me 9000 miles away. It’s just not fair. But yes, I felt like I had ‘cheated’ on him. In the 5 years that we were together, during the times that we had split up and I was with other guys, I never felt that. This time I did. It was strange.
I’ve struggled my entire adult life with the concept of monogamy. Wondering whether it was something that really worked for me or whether it was some archaic religious concept. I’m starting to believe that maybe I am built that way after all. That I do want to find that one person to connect with. That one person who understands me. Accepts me. Challenges, loves, supports and excites me. Yeah…I think I do want that. I wonder sometimes if that person is Mark. Our relationship was never perfect but it had some really wonderful stuff in it. I know the part I played in not allowing it to be better than it was. In our conversations since I’ve been here, he has shared his feelings about his role in it as well. A huge part of me hopes that when I return to Cincy, we can address the ‘us’ again and see what happens. Is that selfish of me? Or romantic? Lol
Thursday I had all my medical appts. No cavities and the teeth are fine but I kinda have high blood pressure. It’s nothing to be worried about. The doc just wants me to cut out salt from my diet and then retest me in a few months. I never really paid attention to my intake of it. I think I ingest MUCH more than I should be. God I feel old. That night we all went out for all you can eat pizza and then I crashed. Thursday was also my father’s 80th birthday but I was unable to get ahold of him. My uncle Von had to have a triple bypass so my dad had travelled to Kentucky to see him. 80, damn. He’s like the energizer bunny - he just keeps going and going and going. I was able to email him a little birthday video so I hope he got to at least see that.
Friday, after breakfast, I began the daunting task of hiking back to site. I stood on the side of the highway for 3 hours before someone picked me up. They gave me a ride as far as Grootfontein. It was in a BMW so it never dawned on me that I was going to be charged. When he asked for money, I just shrugged, showed him my empty wallet and said I was sorry, lol. I tried for 6 hours to get a hike out of there to get to Rundu and nothing was working out. I then started to get worried wondering where I was going to lay my head that night. The ‘victim’ mentality sprung up and I was cursing PC, lol. I then called Peter, the nephew of my host father when I lived in Groot. He was not home, but called me back to say that he had made arrangements with his neighbor to have them let me in his flat so I could sleep safely tonight AND he had a taxi on their way to pick me up. Damn, the people of this country are amazingly generous! I went into the petrol station to pick up something to eat for dinner and on the way out, ran into someone going to Rundu, so I caught a ride with them. A very COLD ride in the back of a truck. The trade off was that it was a gorgeous night and I got to stare at the stars for a few hours.
I went straight to Patrick’s and crashed.
Yesterday, I waited a good 3 hours before catching a ride to Nkurenkuru. A rough ride at that. The driver was morbidly obese - which, trust me, it’s very difficult to find that in Namibia culture, I mean, hell, most people don’t eat that much. He drank tumbo (the traditional alcohol) the entire drive and stopped so frequently that I felt I could have walked faster. I arrived and it was nice to see Sarah and sort of be back home. Actually, I couldn’t WAIT to get back to my site. My bed, etc. This place really is beginning to feel like home to me. What a change from when I first arrived, eh?
It was Ben’s birthday, so he was cooking curry. Sarah made an amazing chocolate cake and I made pea and potato samosas. So much food went into my belly it was ridiculous. We then played Moosopoly. Not Monopoly. Moosopoly. Scot, Lindsey and Sarah had spent an entire day make a Namibia version of Monopoly on the back of a reg. monopoly board! It was fantastic and included MY HOUSE!!!! It was an awesome night of music, laughter and fellowship.
Today, I began watching the second season of Heroes (I snagged a lot of movies while in Windhoek), and then headed home. God it was good to arrive in Mpungu in one piece. How nice to walk into my house, take a shower, put my stuff away and just sit. I’m home….I’m home.
Last week I had hoped would be the first week back on track with everything. When I say everything, I mean continual work on all the projects - garden, building, etc. The Thursday before at the meeting that only a few showed up to, they gave me all the days and times for when they would be around for work. Wednesday, we were supposed to start working on the garden again. Wednesday came and no one showed up. I did what I always do and went up to the garden and put in some time. Still…no one else showed up. I made the decision that unless at least one other person shows, I am not going to work in the garden alone. The garden is supposed to be for them…they need to take some ownership.
Thursday morning came and went without anyone showing up for the project meeting and then only 3 showed up to English. Few showing up for that doesn’t bother me all that much because teaching English isn’t a priority like the other things. After English and some lunch and then Lyambezi wanting to use my computer to write an accident report, I headed to the hike point to make it to Nkurenkuru. I waited about 3 hours and just (of course) when I had given up and was going to head home, my ride came. This time, with an Evangelical pastor who proceeded to try and ‘save’ me for the next hour.
At Sarah’s I had a package waiting from Craig. Craig is someone I don’t know at all. We just ran into each other online and he was kind enough to send me some stuff. He had no idea Dove chocolates are my favorite in the world - and they made it here without melting!
Friday morning I waited for Janne (Suvi’s husband) to pick me up around 7:30 and we headed to Rundu. We had a great conversation about Namibia on the way there. He dropped me off at the TRC. I ran into Justin and we caught up a bit, then I headed into town to run a bunch of errands. I met Juice at the carwash for lunch then as I was heading back to the TRC to see Mary, I got a text from my hetero life partner Kennedy (in Caprivi). Come to find out he was in Rundu for the big party! I grabbed a taxi and headed to Patrick’s to see him. He’s my bud, what can I say. He and I and Thea headed into town to get them something to eat. We ended up going to the Omashari for pizza - okay, twice in a 2 week period, I know I’m really splurging. We returned to Patrick’s and crashed. While we were there, most of the 26ers were at Maggie’s. That night, Alex got burned accidentally by a firecracker and the next day he was flown to Windhoek. He’s freaked out that he might be sent home because of the incident.
Saturday I found out Rachel we in town. She had caught the best hike ever. She flew in with Gaspar (the American Embassy guy) in his private plane. Talk about luck. She was meeting Ash and Juice at the Omashari for pizza but since I had just partaken the night before, I passed on lunch but stopped to say hi. Come to find out, she might be transferred to Rundu because she was attached in her flat at her site. She’s okay and nothing too horrible happened, but she’s on PEP and Hannah B. wants her out of her current place as soon as possible. I’m excited about the possibility of her coming up north, but feel badly about the circumstances.
We then went shopping for stuff to braii at the Bavaria later, headed back to Patrick’s to catch an episode of Lost Season 4. Yes, I FINALLY got it! Around 4:30 we all headed to the lodge and the festivities. It was fantastic. Many 26ers I hadn’t seen since shadowing and initial site visit. It was GREAT catching up with Mary from Andara. The entire evening was great. Everyone chilling out, yeah, there was some alcohol involved, but no one got crazy. I discovered I enjoy Absolut Kurrant with 7-Up - my drink of choice keeps changing. Jeff and I headed back to papa bear’s around 10:30 and went right to bed.
Sunday I was waiting on SNL to text me so we could all hike back together. I went and got some groceries and met them at Engin. While we were waiting on our combi to leave, I ran into Lyambezi. That man is very funny and I’m going to have to talk to him. He KNEW I was in Rundu and would be needing a ride back. What is so hard about sending me a text and telling me when he is heading to Mpungu. This happens quite a lot. He did say if I couldn’t get out of Nkurenkuru that I could catch a ride with him.
When I got to Sarah’s, I decided to do just that. So I texted him and waited. Waiting long enough that I was there when Sarah got home!!! YEAH!!! It’s hard to believe it’s been a month! We caught up a bit, but Michael from BEN Bikes was with her and his assistant (they came up for a meeting the next day). Lyambezi never called so I just slept there. Monday, I waited 3 hours for a hike back to the village and took it easy. I unpacked, caught up on some stuff here, hung with Efuta, then watched back to back episodes of Lost until I fell asleep. I had promised myself I was going to only watch one a week and stretch it out…so much for that.
Today, I worked ALL day in the pharmacy. Organizing and labeling. I also told Lyambezi that I wanted to work as the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This will give me something to do AND help out the nursing staff. I have a feeling in the next month all the down time I’ve been complaining about having is going to come to a screeching halt and you will begin to hear me complain about having NO time to myself, lol. If it isn’t one extreme it’s the other.
Wednesday, July 9 - Thursday, July 10:
A few of the women from the support group showed up so we worked in the garden for a bit. Digging up tree roots is NOT easy, lol. I have the blisters to prove it. We worked for about 2 hours then I came back and just chilled a bit before lunch. I then prepared for English, cooked dinner and watched some Scrubs. Today, no one showed up for the 9 am meeting (I’m not surprised by things like this any more yet still annoyed). English club went really well and was fun. I then met with the 4 learners who are going to help me with the OVC project to discuss some ideas and make plans for the first meeting. We scheduled it for the first week of the 2nd term. I’m looking very forward to it.
I just returned from the VSOs for dinner which was nice. Dinah gave me a large bottle of Amarula which is similar to Bailey’s Irish Cream. Now, if I only had some eggnog, lol. Tomorrow I am headed to Nkurenkuru for the weekend to hang with Sarah. We have a LOT to catch up with!
Friday, July 11 - Sunday, July 13:
I waited for people to show up to work on the building to no avail, so I called it quits, worked on some things at the house and headed to Rundu. Fortunately there was a car at the clinic heading that way so I didn’t have to hike. Sarah and Lindsey were at her school working on preparations for Saturday’s Talent Show for her AIDS club. I met them there, then Sarah and headed to her house. The rest of the day was low key and we made chili for dinner. We stayed up late watching LOST - too late, and then crashed.
Saturday I ran to the post to find 2 packages waiting for me - thanks again Patti and mom! A little after noon we headed to the school with the supplies. Some of the boys were setting up the tent already. Why they needed a tent I’m not sure. I played with some younger kids who were just hanging around. About 5 I headed back to Sarah’s because I needed to go grocery shopping before the store closed. Also, Stephanie and her boyfriend had stopped by for the day so we hung out a bit. I shopped, waited for Lindsey to shower, then we headed back to the school.
The show was supposed to start around 5, but didn’t get going until around 7:30. Sarah and I were in charge of the door. Selling tickets and letting people in. It was fun but a lot of work. People claiming they had paid for tickets but didn’t have it on them. Older, drunk guys wanting to force their way in because of who they were. I was in charge of trying to keep the event alcohol free. I turned many a drunk man away, lol. The power was nice…I felt like Vin Diesel (he used to be a bouncer before he was an actor ya know!). After a few hours, we wanted to see some of the show and so at that point, we dis-manned the doors and forced our way to the front of the crowd. They were in the dance portion of the show. It was AMAZING! These kids could KRUMP like nobody’s business. On top of that, they were doing it on a stage made from the desks of the library, lol. Many were not wearing shoes or were wearing badly worn flip flops. This did NOT deter them one bit. It’s amazing what people will accept as just part of their lives and work with it. While in the states, we tend to bitch and moan about the silliest shit.
This morning I left around 11, waited a few hours or a ride, snagged a free one, got back here, now I am settling back in. I’m gonna practice the guitar here in a bit then read.
Monday, July 14 - Thursday, July 17:
If I don’t write in this thing every day, the time tends to get blurred and I forget what has occurred. Monday I worked in the pharmacy all day. I have taken on the task of being the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This helps the clinic staff out and gives me a day of having something concrete to do. I spent the day alphabetizing and labeling the medicine and supplies. I will actually be dispensing medication for patients starting next week.
Tuesday I continued to work in the pharmacy to finish up the organization and that took all day. Wednesday, 3 people showed up to work in the garden so we cranked out a few hours. That afternoon, I checked email to discover that one of the NGOs I submitted the proposal for the garden to, is not going to be able to help me. It’s also not going to be able to help me with 3 of the other ones I submitted. That was a big let down. Ya see, with it going on 6 months that I’ve been at site…I really need to feel like or see something accomplished. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m doing some good here when I don’t see anything directly. I know that’s the ‘immediate gratification’ need within myself…but honestly, it’s hard to be here day after day, working towards things that seem to get farther and farther away.
How does one keep the faith when there doesn’t seem to be evidence of anything? It’s very frustrating and ends up circling back to my insecurities about being here in the first place. I talked with Sarah about it - who is amazing at all this community work because she’s had MUCH more experience in it. She seemed to think that I haven’t really laid the ground work for getting the people who I need to be involved in the projects…INVOLVED. I feel like I have done my best but I also know that my shy side has kept me from spending time just talking with people. When I hold meetings - the ones where people actually attend - I usually take control of them in order for there to be organization. I think this is one of the first problems. I should let the meetings run themselves and not try to control them. Maybe it IS my fault that things are going as well as I’d hoped. Now the question arises…do I have time to ‘start over’? And do I really need to start completely over or just find some common ground.
I realize that I came into the Peace Corps just wanting to go to another country and ‘work’. To do some good and make a difference. PC doesn’t really work that way though. You have to do ‘community development’ and that involves working with what? The community. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit around and wait for them to come to me and to spend 5 hours in a meeting and have nothing accomplished. The problem with my lack of patience and desire to get a lot accomplished though, clashes with this particular culture.
Is this entire experience about me learning to slow down and see the bigger picture? I do know on some level that months from now…even a year from now…I will look back and see that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess there is just a part of me that wants to see results cause I want the people I am working with to see that I’m actually doing something. But when you filter that down…it’s about ME needing to see that I am doing something here. Is that a bad thing though? If I was working at a job in the states and not accomplishing anything and not finding passion in it…wouldn’t I quit? Why would anyone stay in that place. This is a slightly different situation, so I guess I need to step back and re-evaluate once again.
I have also discovered that I compare my resources to those of others…especially Sarah. It’s the simple things like a fax machine, printer, copier, etc. I don’t have immediate access to those and I sometimes blame that for why I am not more productive. That’s a lousy excuse. THAT filters down to me playing the victim role which I do from time to time.
During all of this emotional shit…my sister called Tuesday night, very upset, to tell me that my dad was having an outpatient procedure done on Thursday morning to see if there is a blockage in his heart. I felt bad that she was so distraught and that I wasn’t there to do anything. I comforted her the best I could. She tends to worry about things much more than I do…she definitely gets that from mom.
I talked to my dad today (Thursday) after the procedure and he was fine and they didn’t find any blockages. Now he will go on medication for about 6 months and he should be fine. One of my biggest fears about being in Africa has nothing to do with ME being in Africa. It’s that something will happen to one of my ‘rents while I am here. I try not to think about it, but it creeps up from time to time - ESPECIALLY when I get news like this. I wanted to grow didn’t I?
Today I got up early to hike to Nkurenkuru for a CACOC meeting. I waited about an hour before landing a ride. I then was in his vehicle for about an hour while he drove around picking people up and then back to Mpungu because he forgot someone. He then proceeded to stop in Nepara (1/2 way to Nkurenkuru) and tell me he decided NOT to go there. So here I was, already late and stuck in a place where there is VERY little traffic. I was cursing this country for about 30 minutes, lol. I finally got a ride, got to Sarah’s, to find out they cancelled the meeting THIS morning! F’N FRUSTRATING!
Sarah and I caught up, ran some errands, walked to the fish farm for some onions and carrots, cooked lunch, played some Phase 10,checked the post, watched some Scrubs, made Gadi-Gadi for dinner and now she’s on the phone with her sister. It’s time for bed!
Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20:
It’s a bittersweet irony that the person I’m closest to in the PC (emotionally and physically) has so much experience with community development. All of Sarah’s projects and people seem to be going full-strength ahead with lots of motivation while mine have come to a standstill. On one side, for me, I can bounce things off her to figure out what I’m doing wrong. On the other hand, it infuriates my ego to have to lean on her for support. AND the whole comparison thing that I do so well.
I haven’t been sitting on my ass at site but I haven’t been doing things the way should have probably been done in order to keep the motivation going. This is just going to require me to ‘re-focus’ which is a word I keep throwing around. The problem I have with doing that, is that I feel like I am running out of time. It’s funny how when I first got to site and was so freaked out about being in the village that I wanted time to go by quickly. I kept counting down the days til I got to leave site or got to leave the country. Now I fear that I don’t have enough time to complete the projects I’ve started in the next 16 months! It’s already the end of July (practically) and then there’s August which will go by quickly cause I’ve planned a week’s vacation at the end of the month. Then it’s September and I start my OVC program.
ADHD - back to the garden project. Maybe if I have a meeting and the people decide that we don’t need the extensive fence that initially they asked for and the water tank and such. Maybe if we fenced in a smaller portion of the garden area with thornbush, got NamWater to install the pump, that we could round up the money in a smaller proposal for the garden implements and seeds. THAT way we could get planting very soon and then I could try and get money for a fence during the rest of my time here. Maybe there is even a way to build a cheaper fence…one that would keep the animals out and we would have to hope and pray people wouldn’t steal the food. Sarah has had no problem with theft….yet. But in the next few weeks her stuff will be ready to harvest, so we’ll see what happens.
As far as the building goes. I should have a large community meeting and get more people on board with the project. Also, maybe we are shooting too high to get an actual Community Hall type structure built. I mean, Mpungu isn’t even a town yet and it’s years from becoming one. Also, when that happens, the Ministry of Urban Development will come in and build one. I should just focus on getting a structure built that can be utilized sooner than later. One that won’t cost N$150,000. I could probably get built for closer to N$30,000. We don’t need a super nice roof or electricity or anything like that. It just needs to be a structure with a window and a door and something to keep the rain out. We can enclose it completely to keep out ‘skidders’ (mosquitoes - no, it’s not a Rukwangali word, it’s a hillbilly word).
I know things will work out and this is one of those HUGE lessons in me learning to be patient. It’s also teaching me other things about community development that I’ve realized I just don’t have a passion for. Can I do it while I’m here and find some joy in my accomplishments…I believe so. It’s funny, I knew coming into the PC that I would be challenged…how can one not, right? But the things that I’m having the most difficulty with are not things I thought would come up. I’ll say it again…it’s all about growth, right?
So now that I’ve vented about all of that, I’ll fill ya in about the weekend. Friday we hung out, cooked good food, went to the salon (Sarah got buzzed and I got micro-corn rolls - not quite Bo Derek but I think they are pretty sexy, lol), then we played Phase 10 and Pictionary with Ben, Scot, Lindsey and Christine. It was fun. Saturday we went to the Cultural Dancing Contest at Lindsey’s school. THIS was awesome and it made me wish we didn’t see this kind of stuff more often. Kids from various grades competed against one another in traditional clothing and dances that they put together with current messages - like safer sex, etc. The dancing was amazing! As I sat and watched, I realized that this was a part of their culture that is weeding it’s way out. I mean, people don’t do these types of dances for specific reasons anymore. They used to be done in order to have good harvests, get rain to come, bless the birth of a child, etc. Now they are only brought out during events like this or to satisfy the curiosity of tourists. Some PCVs have told me that when tourists travel through their village, the kids are required to leave class and dance for them. The kids are supposed to benefit financially from this but they never see the money. Most principals or higher-ups pocket it for themselves. If they were getting it, I wouldn’t feel quite as bad but it’s kind of gross that these children are forced to ‘dance for the white man for change’. It’s really sickening.
So, with each new generation, these dances and other cultural parts of their history are lost. I wonder how many years it will take before they are completely forgotten. Probably not as long as I would think.
Later that day Sarah and I watched a movie, she made amazing lentil burgers, then we played Monopoly with the gang. I was the first to lose and usually I’m a VERY bad loser…but I handled it with dignity, lol. We came back and watched some Scrubs and fell asleep. I will be heading home after lunch and just chill the rest of the day. Pick up the guitar a bit and possibly do some yoga. I need to find the strength to somewhat ‘start-over’ and see if I can still make some progress with the things I’m doing at site. If I could get past the ‘comparing’ thing and rely strictly on the praise I get from my supervisor and others, I would realize that I’m doing fine as I am. But is it wrong to expect more from yourself and if not, what is the difference or line per se between having high expectations and never feeling like what you are doing is good enough?
Monday, July 21 - Friday, July 25:
Spank me! I’m a bad ‘journal keeper-upper’. As I said last time, I came back to site with a new found focus and mission. I met with Lyambezi to discuss the changes in our initial plan for things and he was on board. So yesterday morning I sat and waited for people to show up for the meeting. A handful actually did, so things were accomplished. They were actually excited about starting the garden at the clinic and understood what was going on with the funding for the larger one. We also got into a discussion about the theater project - with a lot of arguing about who should be the recipients of the income from it - we left it open for much more discussion.
As I knew it would, when I mentioned that the funding for Veronica and Berta’s sewing business had come through and that I was picking up the machines this coming week, people were full of ideas of their own businesses. I just laughed and rolled my eyes - thinking that I’ve only been here 6 months..where were all these ideas before? Lol.
I also met with both principals this week for them to make announcements about the after school OVC program for the beginning of next term. When I was at the primary school, a couple of the teachers (who I guess live very close to me at the clinic) said they wanted to start exercising and wanted some tips from me. I told them to stop by my house any time and I’d show them some things. Well alas, last night when I was right in the middle of making carrot curry for Christine, Dinah and John, they showed up. This is one of the things I find funny about Namibians. Any American would see that they have walked in on me being very busy and getting ready for dinner. It was rather obvious - things on the stove, candles on the table (yes, candles..you can take the gay boy out of the city but that doesn’t mean I can entertain to the best of my ability in the village!)…so they came in and I’m stirring the potatoes and explaining to the what is going on and can I talk to them tomorrow or the week I get back. ‘NO’ would not be accepted, as an answer. They kept insisting on me showing them some things RIGHT THEN so they could start exercising. I turned the food down and showed them how to do crunches, knee to elbow sit-ups and leg lifts for the lower abs. It was just funny.
Dinner ended up being a great success - ya see, it’s the first time I’ve cooked on Thursday night. I have no excuse but fear for why I hadn’t participated yet. Guess I feel I am not a good cook and was worried they would show up for a good meal and be disappointed - they were not! Dinah was going off on how much space I had because her and John’s is so small. Overall, a fantastic night of food and conversation and I’m excited about the next time I get to have them down.
Today I begin my trek to Windhoek for my medical and dental check up. I’m not taking my computer, so journaling will be by hand until I return. I’m going to make it to Rundu today, Okahandja on Sat and then Wind by Sun. It’s funny timing-wise because just this past week I was flossing and had some pain between two back teeth. That was when I noticed that one tooth is loose. I would not want to be here in the village with a serious toothache, so hopefully the dentist can nip this in the bud. Unfortunately that probably means I will have to stay a few extra days. We’ll see.
Saturday, July 26 - Sunday, August 3:
So Friday I got a hike with Dinah and john to rundu. I was planning on staying at Patricks and had ‘booked’ a night with him a week before. He told me he was going to be away but he would tell Molly, the new crisis corp volunteer would be there so no problem. I arrived early, dropped off my bags (she wasn’t around so I hid them) and went to meet Rachel for dinner. She was transferred from her site to our area because she was attacked at hers.
After dinner I started texting molly to find out if she was home before I walked the 30 minutes back to patricks. At 830 when I hadn’t heard, I assumed something was wrong with the phone so I headed there anyways. I arrived to a dark house, knocked, no answer and got in the hammock to chill while I waited for her. I fell asleep and woke up around midnight. Knocked again, still no response. So what is a pc volunteer to do??? Sleep on the ground outside. That’s what I did.
The next morning, I was awakened to the flushing of the toilet INSIDE the house. I knocked and low and behold, Molly answered. She ahd been there the whole night but never heard me knock or speak her name, lol. TIN!
Saturday morning, after waiting 3 hours, I ended up getting a free hike all the way to okahandja to Ruth’s front door. I hung out with her which was awesome. She is our ‘grandmother’ of the group – she is 70. Sunday, I got up to catch a hike to Windhoek. I found one right away but they were going to a house first then would pick me up in town. They drove right by me the bastards and left me hanging – it’s very typical. So I headed to the road and caught a free hike with the regional counselor from Mariental who had just left Swakopmund.
The first thing I did was drop my bag and head to the mall where I walked to the theater and discovered Sex and The City was playing in 10 minutes!!! The movie was cute but a tad over the top. When finished, I began texting some of the gay guys I had met via my blog who had offered me dinner and places to crash. I connected with roelof a 55 year old spanierd who has lived here for 26 years. We had a great dinner and conversation and then I crashed at his place. MISTAKE!!! Lol, he has this old chiming clock that is broken and LOUD and every hour goes off like 15 times!!!! Unfortunately I left my ear plugs at ruths and so I didn’t get much sleep that night.
So on Monday I started catching up with other volunteers as they arrived for their medical. I also had planned on meeting up with Chico, another guy who lives in Windhoek that I had met online. I went to see The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Jeff and Lily and it rocked. It is by far the best thing I’ve seen all year - American standards, not Namibia, lol. Spent some of the day just wandering around and doing a little shopping - I bought a wok! That night I met up with Chico, had a quick bite and then crashed at his place - since I still wasn’t checked into the lodge. I have to say, after 9 months of no sex, it was really nice to lay in bed next to someone. It’s amazing how good that simple gesture feels and how much I have missed it. Course, it made me miss Mark that much more. One of my most favorite things was curling up next to him - especially on a cold winter’s night and falling to sleep with his scent in my face.
Tuesday I hung around the PC office and lounge. I gave Linda a copy of the Rukwangali text book that I’ve been working on and she and Edward were very impressed. It felt good to see all my hard work printed out and in my hand. I still have to get a few copies to Magreth and Anna Marie for some last minute proofing but otherwise, it looks damn good.
Later that day I checked into my room and then a bunch of us went to Jeff’s and ordered Taal and had it delivered. It of course was good, but I think I’m actually preferring Ben’s curry more. Chico was actually going to come over and spend the night with me, but our wires got crossed and it didn’t happen. Just as well.
Wednesday I reported to the med office to start all of that business. They whisked me off to the dentist only to discover my appt. was the next day, so they brought me back. Let me backtrack by saying that I was suppose to meet with the PCMO before my dentist but she moved my appt. til after. So upon returning from the dentist, I had a few hours to kill. I went and purchased the sewing machine for the Veronica and Berta. I then returned to the office only to find they decided to push my appt. til the next day. Such is PC life. BE FLEXIBLE! Lol.
That night, Chico came over and yes, well, um…I had sex. Sex for the first time in 9 months. It was very weird. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. A lot actually. But there was something different about this. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so much in the past 9 months, but…I didn’t enjoy it. It felt vacant and weird. I felt like I was going through motions but not experiencing any sensation. It dawned on me when it was all over that I’ve what was missing was the emotional component. Now…I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of the time I left that part out on purpose. Basically I was just getting off and I always thought that was okay with me. I’ve realized now though that without it, I feel empty. Oddly enough, there was also a little guilt. I kept trying to figure out where that was coming from. I mean, Mark and I are not together. There is no commitment there currently cause frankly, I wouldn’t ask that of him…not with me 9000 miles away. It’s just not fair. But yes, I felt like I had ‘cheated’ on him. In the 5 years that we were together, during the times that we had split up and I was with other guys, I never felt that. This time I did. It was strange.
I’ve struggled my entire adult life with the concept of monogamy. Wondering whether it was something that really worked for me or whether it was some archaic religious concept. I’m starting to believe that maybe I am built that way after all. That I do want to find that one person to connect with. That one person who understands me. Accepts me. Challenges, loves, supports and excites me. Yeah…I think I do want that. I wonder sometimes if that person is Mark. Our relationship was never perfect but it had some really wonderful stuff in it. I know the part I played in not allowing it to be better than it was. In our conversations since I’ve been here, he has shared his feelings about his role in it as well. A huge part of me hopes that when I return to Cincy, we can address the ‘us’ again and see what happens. Is that selfish of me? Or romantic? Lol
Thursday I had all my medical appts. No cavities and the teeth are fine but I kinda have high blood pressure. It’s nothing to be worried about. The doc just wants me to cut out salt from my diet and then retest me in a few months. I never really paid attention to my intake of it. I think I ingest MUCH more than I should be. God I feel old. That night we all went out for all you can eat pizza and then I crashed. Thursday was also my father’s 80th birthday but I was unable to get ahold of him. My uncle Von had to have a triple bypass so my dad had travelled to Kentucky to see him. 80, damn. He’s like the energizer bunny - he just keeps going and going and going. I was able to email him a little birthday video so I hope he got to at least see that.
Friday, after breakfast, I began the daunting task of hiking back to site. I stood on the side of the highway for 3 hours before someone picked me up. They gave me a ride as far as Grootfontein. It was in a BMW so it never dawned on me that I was going to be charged. When he asked for money, I just shrugged, showed him my empty wallet and said I was sorry, lol. I tried for 6 hours to get a hike out of there to get to Rundu and nothing was working out. I then started to get worried wondering where I was going to lay my head that night. The ‘victim’ mentality sprung up and I was cursing PC, lol. I then called Peter, the nephew of my host father when I lived in Groot. He was not home, but called me back to say that he had made arrangements with his neighbor to have them let me in his flat so I could sleep safely tonight AND he had a taxi on their way to pick me up. Damn, the people of this country are amazingly generous! I went into the petrol station to pick up something to eat for dinner and on the way out, ran into someone going to Rundu, so I caught a ride with them. A very COLD ride in the back of a truck. The trade off was that it was a gorgeous night and I got to stare at the stars for a few hours.
I went straight to Patrick’s and crashed.
Yesterday, I waited a good 3 hours before catching a ride to Nkurenkuru. A rough ride at that. The driver was morbidly obese - which, trust me, it’s very difficult to find that in Namibia culture, I mean, hell, most people don’t eat that much. He drank tumbo (the traditional alcohol) the entire drive and stopped so frequently that I felt I could have walked faster. I arrived and it was nice to see Sarah and sort of be back home. Actually, I couldn’t WAIT to get back to my site. My bed, etc. This place really is beginning to feel like home to me. What a change from when I first arrived, eh?
It was Ben’s birthday, so he was cooking curry. Sarah made an amazing chocolate cake and I made pea and potato samosas. So much food went into my belly it was ridiculous. We then played Moosopoly. Not Monopoly. Moosopoly. Scot, Lindsey and Sarah had spent an entire day make a Namibia version of Monopoly on the back of a reg. monopoly board! It was fantastic and included MY HOUSE!!!! It was an awesome night of music, laughter and fellowship.
Today, I began watching the second season of Heroes (I snagged a lot of movies while in Windhoek), and then headed home. God it was good to arrive in Mpungu in one piece. How nice to walk into my house, take a shower, put my stuff away and just sit. I’m home….I’m home.
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