Monday, August 4 - Tuesday, August 5:
Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.
Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.
Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:
The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.
Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.
Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:
I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.
Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.
Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.
Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.
This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.
Wednesday, August 12:
In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.
First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…
How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.
Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.
It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?
So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.
When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.
So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!
One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?
Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:
So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.
First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.
Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.
Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.
So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.
There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.
Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:
I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.
Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.
Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.
The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.
Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:
I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.
Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.
I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.
The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.
We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.
Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:
I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.
Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.
We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.
Monday, August 25:
I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.
The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.
We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.
Tuesday, August 26:
We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.
So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.
We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.
We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.
We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.
We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.
Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:
We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.
I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.
Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?
Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.
Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:
Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.
We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Address and Contact Information
I thought there was a place for people to contact me after reading my blog if they so chose. I realize that is not the case. For those of you who have read my blog and are interested in staying in more direct contact with me and/or being a part of some of the projects I am working on, please email me at pcvdlc@yahoo.com. If you want, you can also snail mail me at PO Box 6115, Nkurenkuru, Namibia, Africa. Peace...
Monday, August 4, 2008
July Came and Went...
Tuesday, July 1 - Tuesday, July 8:
Last week I had hoped would be the first week back on track with everything. When I say everything, I mean continual work on all the projects - garden, building, etc. The Thursday before at the meeting that only a few showed up to, they gave me all the days and times for when they would be around for work. Wednesday, we were supposed to start working on the garden again. Wednesday came and no one showed up. I did what I always do and went up to the garden and put in some time. Still…no one else showed up. I made the decision that unless at least one other person shows, I am not going to work in the garden alone. The garden is supposed to be for them…they need to take some ownership.
Thursday morning came and went without anyone showing up for the project meeting and then only 3 showed up to English. Few showing up for that doesn’t bother me all that much because teaching English isn’t a priority like the other things. After English and some lunch and then Lyambezi wanting to use my computer to write an accident report, I headed to the hike point to make it to Nkurenkuru. I waited about 3 hours and just (of course) when I had given up and was going to head home, my ride came. This time, with an Evangelical pastor who proceeded to try and ‘save’ me for the next hour.
At Sarah’s I had a package waiting from Craig. Craig is someone I don’t know at all. We just ran into each other online and he was kind enough to send me some stuff. He had no idea Dove chocolates are my favorite in the world - and they made it here without melting!
Friday morning I waited for Janne (Suvi’s husband) to pick me up around 7:30 and we headed to Rundu. We had a great conversation about Namibia on the way there. He dropped me off at the TRC. I ran into Justin and we caught up a bit, then I headed into town to run a bunch of errands. I met Juice at the carwash for lunch then as I was heading back to the TRC to see Mary, I got a text from my hetero life partner Kennedy (in Caprivi). Come to find out he was in Rundu for the big party! I grabbed a taxi and headed to Patrick’s to see him. He’s my bud, what can I say. He and I and Thea headed into town to get them something to eat. We ended up going to the Omashari for pizza - okay, twice in a 2 week period, I know I’m really splurging. We returned to Patrick’s and crashed. While we were there, most of the 26ers were at Maggie’s. That night, Alex got burned accidentally by a firecracker and the next day he was flown to Windhoek. He’s freaked out that he might be sent home because of the incident.
Saturday I found out Rachel we in town. She had caught the best hike ever. She flew in with Gaspar (the American Embassy guy) in his private plane. Talk about luck. She was meeting Ash and Juice at the Omashari for pizza but since I had just partaken the night before, I passed on lunch but stopped to say hi. Come to find out, she might be transferred to Rundu because she was attached in her flat at her site. She’s okay and nothing too horrible happened, but she’s on PEP and Hannah B. wants her out of her current place as soon as possible. I’m excited about the possibility of her coming up north, but feel badly about the circumstances.
We then went shopping for stuff to braii at the Bavaria later, headed back to Patrick’s to catch an episode of Lost Season 4. Yes, I FINALLY got it! Around 4:30 we all headed to the lodge and the festivities. It was fantastic. Many 26ers I hadn’t seen since shadowing and initial site visit. It was GREAT catching up with Mary from Andara. The entire evening was great. Everyone chilling out, yeah, there was some alcohol involved, but no one got crazy. I discovered I enjoy Absolut Kurrant with 7-Up - my drink of choice keeps changing. Jeff and I headed back to papa bear’s around 10:30 and went right to bed.
Sunday I was waiting on SNL to text me so we could all hike back together. I went and got some groceries and met them at Engin. While we were waiting on our combi to leave, I ran into Lyambezi. That man is very funny and I’m going to have to talk to him. He KNEW I was in Rundu and would be needing a ride back. What is so hard about sending me a text and telling me when he is heading to Mpungu. This happens quite a lot. He did say if I couldn’t get out of Nkurenkuru that I could catch a ride with him.
When I got to Sarah’s, I decided to do just that. So I texted him and waited. Waiting long enough that I was there when Sarah got home!!! YEAH!!! It’s hard to believe it’s been a month! We caught up a bit, but Michael from BEN Bikes was with her and his assistant (they came up for a meeting the next day). Lyambezi never called so I just slept there. Monday, I waited 3 hours for a hike back to the village and took it easy. I unpacked, caught up on some stuff here, hung with Efuta, then watched back to back episodes of Lost until I fell asleep. I had promised myself I was going to only watch one a week and stretch it out…so much for that.
Today, I worked ALL day in the pharmacy. Organizing and labeling. I also told Lyambezi that I wanted to work as the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This will give me something to do AND help out the nursing staff. I have a feeling in the next month all the down time I’ve been complaining about having is going to come to a screeching halt and you will begin to hear me complain about having NO time to myself, lol. If it isn’t one extreme it’s the other.
Wednesday, July 9 - Thursday, July 10:
A few of the women from the support group showed up so we worked in the garden for a bit. Digging up tree roots is NOT easy, lol. I have the blisters to prove it. We worked for about 2 hours then I came back and just chilled a bit before lunch. I then prepared for English, cooked dinner and watched some Scrubs. Today, no one showed up for the 9 am meeting (I’m not surprised by things like this any more yet still annoyed). English club went really well and was fun. I then met with the 4 learners who are going to help me with the OVC project to discuss some ideas and make plans for the first meeting. We scheduled it for the first week of the 2nd term. I’m looking very forward to it.
I just returned from the VSOs for dinner which was nice. Dinah gave me a large bottle of Amarula which is similar to Bailey’s Irish Cream. Now, if I only had some eggnog, lol. Tomorrow I am headed to Nkurenkuru for the weekend to hang with Sarah. We have a LOT to catch up with!
Friday, July 11 - Sunday, July 13:
I waited for people to show up to work on the building to no avail, so I called it quits, worked on some things at the house and headed to Rundu. Fortunately there was a car at the clinic heading that way so I didn’t have to hike. Sarah and Lindsey were at her school working on preparations for Saturday’s Talent Show for her AIDS club. I met them there, then Sarah and headed to her house. The rest of the day was low key and we made chili for dinner. We stayed up late watching LOST - too late, and then crashed.
Saturday I ran to the post to find 2 packages waiting for me - thanks again Patti and mom! A little after noon we headed to the school with the supplies. Some of the boys were setting up the tent already. Why they needed a tent I’m not sure. I played with some younger kids who were just hanging around. About 5 I headed back to Sarah’s because I needed to go grocery shopping before the store closed. Also, Stephanie and her boyfriend had stopped by for the day so we hung out a bit. I shopped, waited for Lindsey to shower, then we headed back to the school.
The show was supposed to start around 5, but didn’t get going until around 7:30. Sarah and I were in charge of the door. Selling tickets and letting people in. It was fun but a lot of work. People claiming they had paid for tickets but didn’t have it on them. Older, drunk guys wanting to force their way in because of who they were. I was in charge of trying to keep the event alcohol free. I turned many a drunk man away, lol. The power was nice…I felt like Vin Diesel (he used to be a bouncer before he was an actor ya know!). After a few hours, we wanted to see some of the show and so at that point, we dis-manned the doors and forced our way to the front of the crowd. They were in the dance portion of the show. It was AMAZING! These kids could KRUMP like nobody’s business. On top of that, they were doing it on a stage made from the desks of the library, lol. Many were not wearing shoes or were wearing badly worn flip flops. This did NOT deter them one bit. It’s amazing what people will accept as just part of their lives and work with it. While in the states, we tend to bitch and moan about the silliest shit.
This morning I left around 11, waited a few hours or a ride, snagged a free one, got back here, now I am settling back in. I’m gonna practice the guitar here in a bit then read.
Monday, July 14 - Thursday, July 17:
If I don’t write in this thing every day, the time tends to get blurred and I forget what has occurred. Monday I worked in the pharmacy all day. I have taken on the task of being the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This helps the clinic staff out and gives me a day of having something concrete to do. I spent the day alphabetizing and labeling the medicine and supplies. I will actually be dispensing medication for patients starting next week.
Tuesday I continued to work in the pharmacy to finish up the organization and that took all day. Wednesday, 3 people showed up to work in the garden so we cranked out a few hours. That afternoon, I checked email to discover that one of the NGOs I submitted the proposal for the garden to, is not going to be able to help me. It’s also not going to be able to help me with 3 of the other ones I submitted. That was a big let down. Ya see, with it going on 6 months that I’ve been at site…I really need to feel like or see something accomplished. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m doing some good here when I don’t see anything directly. I know that’s the ‘immediate gratification’ need within myself…but honestly, it’s hard to be here day after day, working towards things that seem to get farther and farther away.
How does one keep the faith when there doesn’t seem to be evidence of anything? It’s very frustrating and ends up circling back to my insecurities about being here in the first place. I talked with Sarah about it - who is amazing at all this community work because she’s had MUCH more experience in it. She seemed to think that I haven’t really laid the ground work for getting the people who I need to be involved in the projects…INVOLVED. I feel like I have done my best but I also know that my shy side has kept me from spending time just talking with people. When I hold meetings - the ones where people actually attend - I usually take control of them in order for there to be organization. I think this is one of the first problems. I should let the meetings run themselves and not try to control them. Maybe it IS my fault that things are going as well as I’d hoped. Now the question arises…do I have time to ‘start over’? And do I really need to start completely over or just find some common ground.
I realize that I came into the Peace Corps just wanting to go to another country and ‘work’. To do some good and make a difference. PC doesn’t really work that way though. You have to do ‘community development’ and that involves working with what? The community. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit around and wait for them to come to me and to spend 5 hours in a meeting and have nothing accomplished. The problem with my lack of patience and desire to get a lot accomplished though, clashes with this particular culture.
Is this entire experience about me learning to slow down and see the bigger picture? I do know on some level that months from now…even a year from now…I will look back and see that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess there is just a part of me that wants to see results cause I want the people I am working with to see that I’m actually doing something. But when you filter that down…it’s about ME needing to see that I am doing something here. Is that a bad thing though? If I was working at a job in the states and not accomplishing anything and not finding passion in it…wouldn’t I quit? Why would anyone stay in that place. This is a slightly different situation, so I guess I need to step back and re-evaluate once again.
I have also discovered that I compare my resources to those of others…especially Sarah. It’s the simple things like a fax machine, printer, copier, etc. I don’t have immediate access to those and I sometimes blame that for why I am not more productive. That’s a lousy excuse. THAT filters down to me playing the victim role which I do from time to time.
During all of this emotional shit…my sister called Tuesday night, very upset, to tell me that my dad was having an outpatient procedure done on Thursday morning to see if there is a blockage in his heart. I felt bad that she was so distraught and that I wasn’t there to do anything. I comforted her the best I could. She tends to worry about things much more than I do…she definitely gets that from mom.
I talked to my dad today (Thursday) after the procedure and he was fine and they didn’t find any blockages. Now he will go on medication for about 6 months and he should be fine. One of my biggest fears about being in Africa has nothing to do with ME being in Africa. It’s that something will happen to one of my ‘rents while I am here. I try not to think about it, but it creeps up from time to time - ESPECIALLY when I get news like this. I wanted to grow didn’t I?
Today I got up early to hike to Nkurenkuru for a CACOC meeting. I waited about an hour before landing a ride. I then was in his vehicle for about an hour while he drove around picking people up and then back to Mpungu because he forgot someone. He then proceeded to stop in Nepara (1/2 way to Nkurenkuru) and tell me he decided NOT to go there. So here I was, already late and stuck in a place where there is VERY little traffic. I was cursing this country for about 30 minutes, lol. I finally got a ride, got to Sarah’s, to find out they cancelled the meeting THIS morning! F’N FRUSTRATING!
Sarah and I caught up, ran some errands, walked to the fish farm for some onions and carrots, cooked lunch, played some Phase 10,checked the post, watched some Scrubs, made Gadi-Gadi for dinner and now she’s on the phone with her sister. It’s time for bed!
Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20:
It’s a bittersweet irony that the person I’m closest to in the PC (emotionally and physically) has so much experience with community development. All of Sarah’s projects and people seem to be going full-strength ahead with lots of motivation while mine have come to a standstill. On one side, for me, I can bounce things off her to figure out what I’m doing wrong. On the other hand, it infuriates my ego to have to lean on her for support. AND the whole comparison thing that I do so well.
I haven’t been sitting on my ass at site but I haven’t been doing things the way should have probably been done in order to keep the motivation going. This is just going to require me to ‘re-focus’ which is a word I keep throwing around. The problem I have with doing that, is that I feel like I am running out of time. It’s funny how when I first got to site and was so freaked out about being in the village that I wanted time to go by quickly. I kept counting down the days til I got to leave site or got to leave the country. Now I fear that I don’t have enough time to complete the projects I’ve started in the next 16 months! It’s already the end of July (practically) and then there’s August which will go by quickly cause I’ve planned a week’s vacation at the end of the month. Then it’s September and I start my OVC program.
ADHD - back to the garden project. Maybe if I have a meeting and the people decide that we don’t need the extensive fence that initially they asked for and the water tank and such. Maybe if we fenced in a smaller portion of the garden area with thornbush, got NamWater to install the pump, that we could round up the money in a smaller proposal for the garden implements and seeds. THAT way we could get planting very soon and then I could try and get money for a fence during the rest of my time here. Maybe there is even a way to build a cheaper fence…one that would keep the animals out and we would have to hope and pray people wouldn’t steal the food. Sarah has had no problem with theft….yet. But in the next few weeks her stuff will be ready to harvest, so we’ll see what happens.
As far as the building goes. I should have a large community meeting and get more people on board with the project. Also, maybe we are shooting too high to get an actual Community Hall type structure built. I mean, Mpungu isn’t even a town yet and it’s years from becoming one. Also, when that happens, the Ministry of Urban Development will come in and build one. I should just focus on getting a structure built that can be utilized sooner than later. One that won’t cost N$150,000. I could probably get built for closer to N$30,000. We don’t need a super nice roof or electricity or anything like that. It just needs to be a structure with a window and a door and something to keep the rain out. We can enclose it completely to keep out ‘skidders’ (mosquitoes - no, it’s not a Rukwangali word, it’s a hillbilly word).
I know things will work out and this is one of those HUGE lessons in me learning to be patient. It’s also teaching me other things about community development that I’ve realized I just don’t have a passion for. Can I do it while I’m here and find some joy in my accomplishments…I believe so. It’s funny, I knew coming into the PC that I would be challenged…how can one not, right? But the things that I’m having the most difficulty with are not things I thought would come up. I’ll say it again…it’s all about growth, right?
So now that I’ve vented about all of that, I’ll fill ya in about the weekend. Friday we hung out, cooked good food, went to the salon (Sarah got buzzed and I got micro-corn rolls - not quite Bo Derek but I think they are pretty sexy, lol), then we played Phase 10 and Pictionary with Ben, Scot, Lindsey and Christine. It was fun. Saturday we went to the Cultural Dancing Contest at Lindsey’s school. THIS was awesome and it made me wish we didn’t see this kind of stuff more often. Kids from various grades competed against one another in traditional clothing and dances that they put together with current messages - like safer sex, etc. The dancing was amazing! As I sat and watched, I realized that this was a part of their culture that is weeding it’s way out. I mean, people don’t do these types of dances for specific reasons anymore. They used to be done in order to have good harvests, get rain to come, bless the birth of a child, etc. Now they are only brought out during events like this or to satisfy the curiosity of tourists. Some PCVs have told me that when tourists travel through their village, the kids are required to leave class and dance for them. The kids are supposed to benefit financially from this but they never see the money. Most principals or higher-ups pocket it for themselves. If they were getting it, I wouldn’t feel quite as bad but it’s kind of gross that these children are forced to ‘dance for the white man for change’. It’s really sickening.
So, with each new generation, these dances and other cultural parts of their history are lost. I wonder how many years it will take before they are completely forgotten. Probably not as long as I would think.
Later that day Sarah and I watched a movie, she made amazing lentil burgers, then we played Monopoly with the gang. I was the first to lose and usually I’m a VERY bad loser…but I handled it with dignity, lol. We came back and watched some Scrubs and fell asleep. I will be heading home after lunch and just chill the rest of the day. Pick up the guitar a bit and possibly do some yoga. I need to find the strength to somewhat ‘start-over’ and see if I can still make some progress with the things I’m doing at site. If I could get past the ‘comparing’ thing and rely strictly on the praise I get from my supervisor and others, I would realize that I’m doing fine as I am. But is it wrong to expect more from yourself and if not, what is the difference or line per se between having high expectations and never feeling like what you are doing is good enough?
Monday, July 21 - Friday, July 25:
Spank me! I’m a bad ‘journal keeper-upper’. As I said last time, I came back to site with a new found focus and mission. I met with Lyambezi to discuss the changes in our initial plan for things and he was on board. So yesterday morning I sat and waited for people to show up for the meeting. A handful actually did, so things were accomplished. They were actually excited about starting the garden at the clinic and understood what was going on with the funding for the larger one. We also got into a discussion about the theater project - with a lot of arguing about who should be the recipients of the income from it - we left it open for much more discussion.
As I knew it would, when I mentioned that the funding for Veronica and Berta’s sewing business had come through and that I was picking up the machines this coming week, people were full of ideas of their own businesses. I just laughed and rolled my eyes - thinking that I’ve only been here 6 months..where were all these ideas before? Lol.
I also met with both principals this week for them to make announcements about the after school OVC program for the beginning of next term. When I was at the primary school, a couple of the teachers (who I guess live very close to me at the clinic) said they wanted to start exercising and wanted some tips from me. I told them to stop by my house any time and I’d show them some things. Well alas, last night when I was right in the middle of making carrot curry for Christine, Dinah and John, they showed up. This is one of the things I find funny about Namibians. Any American would see that they have walked in on me being very busy and getting ready for dinner. It was rather obvious - things on the stove, candles on the table (yes, candles..you can take the gay boy out of the city but that doesn’t mean I can entertain to the best of my ability in the village!)…so they came in and I’m stirring the potatoes and explaining to the what is going on and can I talk to them tomorrow or the week I get back. ‘NO’ would not be accepted, as an answer. They kept insisting on me showing them some things RIGHT THEN so they could start exercising. I turned the food down and showed them how to do crunches, knee to elbow sit-ups and leg lifts for the lower abs. It was just funny.
Dinner ended up being a great success - ya see, it’s the first time I’ve cooked on Thursday night. I have no excuse but fear for why I hadn’t participated yet. Guess I feel I am not a good cook and was worried they would show up for a good meal and be disappointed - they were not! Dinah was going off on how much space I had because her and John’s is so small. Overall, a fantastic night of food and conversation and I’m excited about the next time I get to have them down.
Today I begin my trek to Windhoek for my medical and dental check up. I’m not taking my computer, so journaling will be by hand until I return. I’m going to make it to Rundu today, Okahandja on Sat and then Wind by Sun. It’s funny timing-wise because just this past week I was flossing and had some pain between two back teeth. That was when I noticed that one tooth is loose. I would not want to be here in the village with a serious toothache, so hopefully the dentist can nip this in the bud. Unfortunately that probably means I will have to stay a few extra days. We’ll see.
Saturday, July 26 - Sunday, August 3:
So Friday I got a hike with Dinah and john to rundu. I was planning on staying at Patricks and had ‘booked’ a night with him a week before. He told me he was going to be away but he would tell Molly, the new crisis corp volunteer would be there so no problem. I arrived early, dropped off my bags (she wasn’t around so I hid them) and went to meet Rachel for dinner. She was transferred from her site to our area because she was attacked at hers.
After dinner I started texting molly to find out if she was home before I walked the 30 minutes back to patricks. At 830 when I hadn’t heard, I assumed something was wrong with the phone so I headed there anyways. I arrived to a dark house, knocked, no answer and got in the hammock to chill while I waited for her. I fell asleep and woke up around midnight. Knocked again, still no response. So what is a pc volunteer to do??? Sleep on the ground outside. That’s what I did.
The next morning, I was awakened to the flushing of the toilet INSIDE the house. I knocked and low and behold, Molly answered. She ahd been there the whole night but never heard me knock or speak her name, lol. TIN!
Saturday morning, after waiting 3 hours, I ended up getting a free hike all the way to okahandja to Ruth’s front door. I hung out with her which was awesome. She is our ‘grandmother’ of the group – she is 70. Sunday, I got up to catch a hike to Windhoek. I found one right away but they were going to a house first then would pick me up in town. They drove right by me the bastards and left me hanging – it’s very typical. So I headed to the road and caught a free hike with the regional counselor from Mariental who had just left Swakopmund.
The first thing I did was drop my bag and head to the mall where I walked to the theater and discovered Sex and The City was playing in 10 minutes!!! The movie was cute but a tad over the top. When finished, I began texting some of the gay guys I had met via my blog who had offered me dinner and places to crash. I connected with roelof a 55 year old spanierd who has lived here for 26 years. We had a great dinner and conversation and then I crashed at his place. MISTAKE!!! Lol, he has this old chiming clock that is broken and LOUD and every hour goes off like 15 times!!!! Unfortunately I left my ear plugs at ruths and so I didn’t get much sleep that night.
So on Monday I started catching up with other volunteers as they arrived for their medical. I also had planned on meeting up with Chico, another guy who lives in Windhoek that I had met online. I went to see The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Jeff and Lily and it rocked. It is by far the best thing I’ve seen all year - American standards, not Namibia, lol. Spent some of the day just wandering around and doing a little shopping - I bought a wok! That night I met up with Chico, had a quick bite and then crashed at his place - since I still wasn’t checked into the lodge. I have to say, after 9 months of no sex, it was really nice to lay in bed next to someone. It’s amazing how good that simple gesture feels and how much I have missed it. Course, it made me miss Mark that much more. One of my most favorite things was curling up next to him - especially on a cold winter’s night and falling to sleep with his scent in my face.
Tuesday I hung around the PC office and lounge. I gave Linda a copy of the Rukwangali text book that I’ve been working on and she and Edward were very impressed. It felt good to see all my hard work printed out and in my hand. I still have to get a few copies to Magreth and Anna Marie for some last minute proofing but otherwise, it looks damn good.
Later that day I checked into my room and then a bunch of us went to Jeff’s and ordered Taal and had it delivered. It of course was good, but I think I’m actually preferring Ben’s curry more. Chico was actually going to come over and spend the night with me, but our wires got crossed and it didn’t happen. Just as well.
Wednesday I reported to the med office to start all of that business. They whisked me off to the dentist only to discover my appt. was the next day, so they brought me back. Let me backtrack by saying that I was suppose to meet with the PCMO before my dentist but she moved my appt. til after. So upon returning from the dentist, I had a few hours to kill. I went and purchased the sewing machine for the Veronica and Berta. I then returned to the office only to find they decided to push my appt. til the next day. Such is PC life. BE FLEXIBLE! Lol.
That night, Chico came over and yes, well, um…I had sex. Sex for the first time in 9 months. It was very weird. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. A lot actually. But there was something different about this. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so much in the past 9 months, but…I didn’t enjoy it. It felt vacant and weird. I felt like I was going through motions but not experiencing any sensation. It dawned on me when it was all over that I’ve what was missing was the emotional component. Now…I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of the time I left that part out on purpose. Basically I was just getting off and I always thought that was okay with me. I’ve realized now though that without it, I feel empty. Oddly enough, there was also a little guilt. I kept trying to figure out where that was coming from. I mean, Mark and I are not together. There is no commitment there currently cause frankly, I wouldn’t ask that of him…not with me 9000 miles away. It’s just not fair. But yes, I felt like I had ‘cheated’ on him. In the 5 years that we were together, during the times that we had split up and I was with other guys, I never felt that. This time I did. It was strange.
I’ve struggled my entire adult life with the concept of monogamy. Wondering whether it was something that really worked for me or whether it was some archaic religious concept. I’m starting to believe that maybe I am built that way after all. That I do want to find that one person to connect with. That one person who understands me. Accepts me. Challenges, loves, supports and excites me. Yeah…I think I do want that. I wonder sometimes if that person is Mark. Our relationship was never perfect but it had some really wonderful stuff in it. I know the part I played in not allowing it to be better than it was. In our conversations since I’ve been here, he has shared his feelings about his role in it as well. A huge part of me hopes that when I return to Cincy, we can address the ‘us’ again and see what happens. Is that selfish of me? Or romantic? Lol
Thursday I had all my medical appts. No cavities and the teeth are fine but I kinda have high blood pressure. It’s nothing to be worried about. The doc just wants me to cut out salt from my diet and then retest me in a few months. I never really paid attention to my intake of it. I think I ingest MUCH more than I should be. God I feel old. That night we all went out for all you can eat pizza and then I crashed. Thursday was also my father’s 80th birthday but I was unable to get ahold of him. My uncle Von had to have a triple bypass so my dad had travelled to Kentucky to see him. 80, damn. He’s like the energizer bunny - he just keeps going and going and going. I was able to email him a little birthday video so I hope he got to at least see that.
Friday, after breakfast, I began the daunting task of hiking back to site. I stood on the side of the highway for 3 hours before someone picked me up. They gave me a ride as far as Grootfontein. It was in a BMW so it never dawned on me that I was going to be charged. When he asked for money, I just shrugged, showed him my empty wallet and said I was sorry, lol. I tried for 6 hours to get a hike out of there to get to Rundu and nothing was working out. I then started to get worried wondering where I was going to lay my head that night. The ‘victim’ mentality sprung up and I was cursing PC, lol. I then called Peter, the nephew of my host father when I lived in Groot. He was not home, but called me back to say that he had made arrangements with his neighbor to have them let me in his flat so I could sleep safely tonight AND he had a taxi on their way to pick me up. Damn, the people of this country are amazingly generous! I went into the petrol station to pick up something to eat for dinner and on the way out, ran into someone going to Rundu, so I caught a ride with them. A very COLD ride in the back of a truck. The trade off was that it was a gorgeous night and I got to stare at the stars for a few hours.
I went straight to Patrick’s and crashed.
Yesterday, I waited a good 3 hours before catching a ride to Nkurenkuru. A rough ride at that. The driver was morbidly obese - which, trust me, it’s very difficult to find that in Namibia culture, I mean, hell, most people don’t eat that much. He drank tumbo (the traditional alcohol) the entire drive and stopped so frequently that I felt I could have walked faster. I arrived and it was nice to see Sarah and sort of be back home. Actually, I couldn’t WAIT to get back to my site. My bed, etc. This place really is beginning to feel like home to me. What a change from when I first arrived, eh?
It was Ben’s birthday, so he was cooking curry. Sarah made an amazing chocolate cake and I made pea and potato samosas. So much food went into my belly it was ridiculous. We then played Moosopoly. Not Monopoly. Moosopoly. Scot, Lindsey and Sarah had spent an entire day make a Namibia version of Monopoly on the back of a reg. monopoly board! It was fantastic and included MY HOUSE!!!! It was an awesome night of music, laughter and fellowship.
Today, I began watching the second season of Heroes (I snagged a lot of movies while in Windhoek), and then headed home. God it was good to arrive in Mpungu in one piece. How nice to walk into my house, take a shower, put my stuff away and just sit. I’m home….I’m home.
Last week I had hoped would be the first week back on track with everything. When I say everything, I mean continual work on all the projects - garden, building, etc. The Thursday before at the meeting that only a few showed up to, they gave me all the days and times for when they would be around for work. Wednesday, we were supposed to start working on the garden again. Wednesday came and no one showed up. I did what I always do and went up to the garden and put in some time. Still…no one else showed up. I made the decision that unless at least one other person shows, I am not going to work in the garden alone. The garden is supposed to be for them…they need to take some ownership.
Thursday morning came and went without anyone showing up for the project meeting and then only 3 showed up to English. Few showing up for that doesn’t bother me all that much because teaching English isn’t a priority like the other things. After English and some lunch and then Lyambezi wanting to use my computer to write an accident report, I headed to the hike point to make it to Nkurenkuru. I waited about 3 hours and just (of course) when I had given up and was going to head home, my ride came. This time, with an Evangelical pastor who proceeded to try and ‘save’ me for the next hour.
At Sarah’s I had a package waiting from Craig. Craig is someone I don’t know at all. We just ran into each other online and he was kind enough to send me some stuff. He had no idea Dove chocolates are my favorite in the world - and they made it here without melting!
Friday morning I waited for Janne (Suvi’s husband) to pick me up around 7:30 and we headed to Rundu. We had a great conversation about Namibia on the way there. He dropped me off at the TRC. I ran into Justin and we caught up a bit, then I headed into town to run a bunch of errands. I met Juice at the carwash for lunch then as I was heading back to the TRC to see Mary, I got a text from my hetero life partner Kennedy (in Caprivi). Come to find out he was in Rundu for the big party! I grabbed a taxi and headed to Patrick’s to see him. He’s my bud, what can I say. He and I and Thea headed into town to get them something to eat. We ended up going to the Omashari for pizza - okay, twice in a 2 week period, I know I’m really splurging. We returned to Patrick’s and crashed. While we were there, most of the 26ers were at Maggie’s. That night, Alex got burned accidentally by a firecracker and the next day he was flown to Windhoek. He’s freaked out that he might be sent home because of the incident.
Saturday I found out Rachel we in town. She had caught the best hike ever. She flew in with Gaspar (the American Embassy guy) in his private plane. Talk about luck. She was meeting Ash and Juice at the Omashari for pizza but since I had just partaken the night before, I passed on lunch but stopped to say hi. Come to find out, she might be transferred to Rundu because she was attached in her flat at her site. She’s okay and nothing too horrible happened, but she’s on PEP and Hannah B. wants her out of her current place as soon as possible. I’m excited about the possibility of her coming up north, but feel badly about the circumstances.
We then went shopping for stuff to braii at the Bavaria later, headed back to Patrick’s to catch an episode of Lost Season 4. Yes, I FINALLY got it! Around 4:30 we all headed to the lodge and the festivities. It was fantastic. Many 26ers I hadn’t seen since shadowing and initial site visit. It was GREAT catching up with Mary from Andara. The entire evening was great. Everyone chilling out, yeah, there was some alcohol involved, but no one got crazy. I discovered I enjoy Absolut Kurrant with 7-Up - my drink of choice keeps changing. Jeff and I headed back to papa bear’s around 10:30 and went right to bed.
Sunday I was waiting on SNL to text me so we could all hike back together. I went and got some groceries and met them at Engin. While we were waiting on our combi to leave, I ran into Lyambezi. That man is very funny and I’m going to have to talk to him. He KNEW I was in Rundu and would be needing a ride back. What is so hard about sending me a text and telling me when he is heading to Mpungu. This happens quite a lot. He did say if I couldn’t get out of Nkurenkuru that I could catch a ride with him.
When I got to Sarah’s, I decided to do just that. So I texted him and waited. Waiting long enough that I was there when Sarah got home!!! YEAH!!! It’s hard to believe it’s been a month! We caught up a bit, but Michael from BEN Bikes was with her and his assistant (they came up for a meeting the next day). Lyambezi never called so I just slept there. Monday, I waited 3 hours for a hike back to the village and took it easy. I unpacked, caught up on some stuff here, hung with Efuta, then watched back to back episodes of Lost until I fell asleep. I had promised myself I was going to only watch one a week and stretch it out…so much for that.
Today, I worked ALL day in the pharmacy. Organizing and labeling. I also told Lyambezi that I wanted to work as the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This will give me something to do AND help out the nursing staff. I have a feeling in the next month all the down time I’ve been complaining about having is going to come to a screeching halt and you will begin to hear me complain about having NO time to myself, lol. If it isn’t one extreme it’s the other.
Wednesday, July 9 - Thursday, July 10:
A few of the women from the support group showed up so we worked in the garden for a bit. Digging up tree roots is NOT easy, lol. I have the blisters to prove it. We worked for about 2 hours then I came back and just chilled a bit before lunch. I then prepared for English, cooked dinner and watched some Scrubs. Today, no one showed up for the 9 am meeting (I’m not surprised by things like this any more yet still annoyed). English club went really well and was fun. I then met with the 4 learners who are going to help me with the OVC project to discuss some ideas and make plans for the first meeting. We scheduled it for the first week of the 2nd term. I’m looking very forward to it.
I just returned from the VSOs for dinner which was nice. Dinah gave me a large bottle of Amarula which is similar to Bailey’s Irish Cream. Now, if I only had some eggnog, lol. Tomorrow I am headed to Nkurenkuru for the weekend to hang with Sarah. We have a LOT to catch up with!
Friday, July 11 - Sunday, July 13:
I waited for people to show up to work on the building to no avail, so I called it quits, worked on some things at the house and headed to Rundu. Fortunately there was a car at the clinic heading that way so I didn’t have to hike. Sarah and Lindsey were at her school working on preparations for Saturday’s Talent Show for her AIDS club. I met them there, then Sarah and headed to her house. The rest of the day was low key and we made chili for dinner. We stayed up late watching LOST - too late, and then crashed.
Saturday I ran to the post to find 2 packages waiting for me - thanks again Patti and mom! A little after noon we headed to the school with the supplies. Some of the boys were setting up the tent already. Why they needed a tent I’m not sure. I played with some younger kids who were just hanging around. About 5 I headed back to Sarah’s because I needed to go grocery shopping before the store closed. Also, Stephanie and her boyfriend had stopped by for the day so we hung out a bit. I shopped, waited for Lindsey to shower, then we headed back to the school.
The show was supposed to start around 5, but didn’t get going until around 7:30. Sarah and I were in charge of the door. Selling tickets and letting people in. It was fun but a lot of work. People claiming they had paid for tickets but didn’t have it on them. Older, drunk guys wanting to force their way in because of who they were. I was in charge of trying to keep the event alcohol free. I turned many a drunk man away, lol. The power was nice…I felt like Vin Diesel (he used to be a bouncer before he was an actor ya know!). After a few hours, we wanted to see some of the show and so at that point, we dis-manned the doors and forced our way to the front of the crowd. They were in the dance portion of the show. It was AMAZING! These kids could KRUMP like nobody’s business. On top of that, they were doing it on a stage made from the desks of the library, lol. Many were not wearing shoes or were wearing badly worn flip flops. This did NOT deter them one bit. It’s amazing what people will accept as just part of their lives and work with it. While in the states, we tend to bitch and moan about the silliest shit.
This morning I left around 11, waited a few hours or a ride, snagged a free one, got back here, now I am settling back in. I’m gonna practice the guitar here in a bit then read.
Monday, July 14 - Thursday, July 17:
If I don’t write in this thing every day, the time tends to get blurred and I forget what has occurred. Monday I worked in the pharmacy all day. I have taken on the task of being the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This helps the clinic staff out and gives me a day of having something concrete to do. I spent the day alphabetizing and labeling the medicine and supplies. I will actually be dispensing medication for patients starting next week.
Tuesday I continued to work in the pharmacy to finish up the organization and that took all day. Wednesday, 3 people showed up to work in the garden so we cranked out a few hours. That afternoon, I checked email to discover that one of the NGOs I submitted the proposal for the garden to, is not going to be able to help me. It’s also not going to be able to help me with 3 of the other ones I submitted. That was a big let down. Ya see, with it going on 6 months that I’ve been at site…I really need to feel like or see something accomplished. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m doing some good here when I don’t see anything directly. I know that’s the ‘immediate gratification’ need within myself…but honestly, it’s hard to be here day after day, working towards things that seem to get farther and farther away.
How does one keep the faith when there doesn’t seem to be evidence of anything? It’s very frustrating and ends up circling back to my insecurities about being here in the first place. I talked with Sarah about it - who is amazing at all this community work because she’s had MUCH more experience in it. She seemed to think that I haven’t really laid the ground work for getting the people who I need to be involved in the projects…INVOLVED. I feel like I have done my best but I also know that my shy side has kept me from spending time just talking with people. When I hold meetings - the ones where people actually attend - I usually take control of them in order for there to be organization. I think this is one of the first problems. I should let the meetings run themselves and not try to control them. Maybe it IS my fault that things are going as well as I’d hoped. Now the question arises…do I have time to ‘start over’? And do I really need to start completely over or just find some common ground.
I realize that I came into the Peace Corps just wanting to go to another country and ‘work’. To do some good and make a difference. PC doesn’t really work that way though. You have to do ‘community development’ and that involves working with what? The community. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit around and wait for them to come to me and to spend 5 hours in a meeting and have nothing accomplished. The problem with my lack of patience and desire to get a lot accomplished though, clashes with this particular culture.
Is this entire experience about me learning to slow down and see the bigger picture? I do know on some level that months from now…even a year from now…I will look back and see that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess there is just a part of me that wants to see results cause I want the people I am working with to see that I’m actually doing something. But when you filter that down…it’s about ME needing to see that I am doing something here. Is that a bad thing though? If I was working at a job in the states and not accomplishing anything and not finding passion in it…wouldn’t I quit? Why would anyone stay in that place. This is a slightly different situation, so I guess I need to step back and re-evaluate once again.
I have also discovered that I compare my resources to those of others…especially Sarah. It’s the simple things like a fax machine, printer, copier, etc. I don’t have immediate access to those and I sometimes blame that for why I am not more productive. That’s a lousy excuse. THAT filters down to me playing the victim role which I do from time to time.
During all of this emotional shit…my sister called Tuesday night, very upset, to tell me that my dad was having an outpatient procedure done on Thursday morning to see if there is a blockage in his heart. I felt bad that she was so distraught and that I wasn’t there to do anything. I comforted her the best I could. She tends to worry about things much more than I do…she definitely gets that from mom.
I talked to my dad today (Thursday) after the procedure and he was fine and they didn’t find any blockages. Now he will go on medication for about 6 months and he should be fine. One of my biggest fears about being in Africa has nothing to do with ME being in Africa. It’s that something will happen to one of my ‘rents while I am here. I try not to think about it, but it creeps up from time to time - ESPECIALLY when I get news like this. I wanted to grow didn’t I?
Today I got up early to hike to Nkurenkuru for a CACOC meeting. I waited about an hour before landing a ride. I then was in his vehicle for about an hour while he drove around picking people up and then back to Mpungu because he forgot someone. He then proceeded to stop in Nepara (1/2 way to Nkurenkuru) and tell me he decided NOT to go there. So here I was, already late and stuck in a place where there is VERY little traffic. I was cursing this country for about 30 minutes, lol. I finally got a ride, got to Sarah’s, to find out they cancelled the meeting THIS morning! F’N FRUSTRATING!
Sarah and I caught up, ran some errands, walked to the fish farm for some onions and carrots, cooked lunch, played some Phase 10,checked the post, watched some Scrubs, made Gadi-Gadi for dinner and now she’s on the phone with her sister. It’s time for bed!
Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20:
It’s a bittersweet irony that the person I’m closest to in the PC (emotionally and physically) has so much experience with community development. All of Sarah’s projects and people seem to be going full-strength ahead with lots of motivation while mine have come to a standstill. On one side, for me, I can bounce things off her to figure out what I’m doing wrong. On the other hand, it infuriates my ego to have to lean on her for support. AND the whole comparison thing that I do so well.
I haven’t been sitting on my ass at site but I haven’t been doing things the way should have probably been done in order to keep the motivation going. This is just going to require me to ‘re-focus’ which is a word I keep throwing around. The problem I have with doing that, is that I feel like I am running out of time. It’s funny how when I first got to site and was so freaked out about being in the village that I wanted time to go by quickly. I kept counting down the days til I got to leave site or got to leave the country. Now I fear that I don’t have enough time to complete the projects I’ve started in the next 16 months! It’s already the end of July (practically) and then there’s August which will go by quickly cause I’ve planned a week’s vacation at the end of the month. Then it’s September and I start my OVC program.
ADHD - back to the garden project. Maybe if I have a meeting and the people decide that we don’t need the extensive fence that initially they asked for and the water tank and such. Maybe if we fenced in a smaller portion of the garden area with thornbush, got NamWater to install the pump, that we could round up the money in a smaller proposal for the garden implements and seeds. THAT way we could get planting very soon and then I could try and get money for a fence during the rest of my time here. Maybe there is even a way to build a cheaper fence…one that would keep the animals out and we would have to hope and pray people wouldn’t steal the food. Sarah has had no problem with theft….yet. But in the next few weeks her stuff will be ready to harvest, so we’ll see what happens.
As far as the building goes. I should have a large community meeting and get more people on board with the project. Also, maybe we are shooting too high to get an actual Community Hall type structure built. I mean, Mpungu isn’t even a town yet and it’s years from becoming one. Also, when that happens, the Ministry of Urban Development will come in and build one. I should just focus on getting a structure built that can be utilized sooner than later. One that won’t cost N$150,000. I could probably get built for closer to N$30,000. We don’t need a super nice roof or electricity or anything like that. It just needs to be a structure with a window and a door and something to keep the rain out. We can enclose it completely to keep out ‘skidders’ (mosquitoes - no, it’s not a Rukwangali word, it’s a hillbilly word).
I know things will work out and this is one of those HUGE lessons in me learning to be patient. It’s also teaching me other things about community development that I’ve realized I just don’t have a passion for. Can I do it while I’m here and find some joy in my accomplishments…I believe so. It’s funny, I knew coming into the PC that I would be challenged…how can one not, right? But the things that I’m having the most difficulty with are not things I thought would come up. I’ll say it again…it’s all about growth, right?
So now that I’ve vented about all of that, I’ll fill ya in about the weekend. Friday we hung out, cooked good food, went to the salon (Sarah got buzzed and I got micro-corn rolls - not quite Bo Derek but I think they are pretty sexy, lol), then we played Phase 10 and Pictionary with Ben, Scot, Lindsey and Christine. It was fun. Saturday we went to the Cultural Dancing Contest at Lindsey’s school. THIS was awesome and it made me wish we didn’t see this kind of stuff more often. Kids from various grades competed against one another in traditional clothing and dances that they put together with current messages - like safer sex, etc. The dancing was amazing! As I sat and watched, I realized that this was a part of their culture that is weeding it’s way out. I mean, people don’t do these types of dances for specific reasons anymore. They used to be done in order to have good harvests, get rain to come, bless the birth of a child, etc. Now they are only brought out during events like this or to satisfy the curiosity of tourists. Some PCVs have told me that when tourists travel through their village, the kids are required to leave class and dance for them. The kids are supposed to benefit financially from this but they never see the money. Most principals or higher-ups pocket it for themselves. If they were getting it, I wouldn’t feel quite as bad but it’s kind of gross that these children are forced to ‘dance for the white man for change’. It’s really sickening.
So, with each new generation, these dances and other cultural parts of their history are lost. I wonder how many years it will take before they are completely forgotten. Probably not as long as I would think.
Later that day Sarah and I watched a movie, she made amazing lentil burgers, then we played Monopoly with the gang. I was the first to lose and usually I’m a VERY bad loser…but I handled it with dignity, lol. We came back and watched some Scrubs and fell asleep. I will be heading home after lunch and just chill the rest of the day. Pick up the guitar a bit and possibly do some yoga. I need to find the strength to somewhat ‘start-over’ and see if I can still make some progress with the things I’m doing at site. If I could get past the ‘comparing’ thing and rely strictly on the praise I get from my supervisor and others, I would realize that I’m doing fine as I am. But is it wrong to expect more from yourself and if not, what is the difference or line per se between having high expectations and never feeling like what you are doing is good enough?
Monday, July 21 - Friday, July 25:
Spank me! I’m a bad ‘journal keeper-upper’. As I said last time, I came back to site with a new found focus and mission. I met with Lyambezi to discuss the changes in our initial plan for things and he was on board. So yesterday morning I sat and waited for people to show up for the meeting. A handful actually did, so things were accomplished. They were actually excited about starting the garden at the clinic and understood what was going on with the funding for the larger one. We also got into a discussion about the theater project - with a lot of arguing about who should be the recipients of the income from it - we left it open for much more discussion.
As I knew it would, when I mentioned that the funding for Veronica and Berta’s sewing business had come through and that I was picking up the machines this coming week, people were full of ideas of their own businesses. I just laughed and rolled my eyes - thinking that I’ve only been here 6 months..where were all these ideas before? Lol.
I also met with both principals this week for them to make announcements about the after school OVC program for the beginning of next term. When I was at the primary school, a couple of the teachers (who I guess live very close to me at the clinic) said they wanted to start exercising and wanted some tips from me. I told them to stop by my house any time and I’d show them some things. Well alas, last night when I was right in the middle of making carrot curry for Christine, Dinah and John, they showed up. This is one of the things I find funny about Namibians. Any American would see that they have walked in on me being very busy and getting ready for dinner. It was rather obvious - things on the stove, candles on the table (yes, candles..you can take the gay boy out of the city but that doesn’t mean I can entertain to the best of my ability in the village!)…so they came in and I’m stirring the potatoes and explaining to the what is going on and can I talk to them tomorrow or the week I get back. ‘NO’ would not be accepted, as an answer. They kept insisting on me showing them some things RIGHT THEN so they could start exercising. I turned the food down and showed them how to do crunches, knee to elbow sit-ups and leg lifts for the lower abs. It was just funny.
Dinner ended up being a great success - ya see, it’s the first time I’ve cooked on Thursday night. I have no excuse but fear for why I hadn’t participated yet. Guess I feel I am not a good cook and was worried they would show up for a good meal and be disappointed - they were not! Dinah was going off on how much space I had because her and John’s is so small. Overall, a fantastic night of food and conversation and I’m excited about the next time I get to have them down.
Today I begin my trek to Windhoek for my medical and dental check up. I’m not taking my computer, so journaling will be by hand until I return. I’m going to make it to Rundu today, Okahandja on Sat and then Wind by Sun. It’s funny timing-wise because just this past week I was flossing and had some pain between two back teeth. That was when I noticed that one tooth is loose. I would not want to be here in the village with a serious toothache, so hopefully the dentist can nip this in the bud. Unfortunately that probably means I will have to stay a few extra days. We’ll see.
Saturday, July 26 - Sunday, August 3:
So Friday I got a hike with Dinah and john to rundu. I was planning on staying at Patricks and had ‘booked’ a night with him a week before. He told me he was going to be away but he would tell Molly, the new crisis corp volunteer would be there so no problem. I arrived early, dropped off my bags (she wasn’t around so I hid them) and went to meet Rachel for dinner. She was transferred from her site to our area because she was attacked at hers.
After dinner I started texting molly to find out if she was home before I walked the 30 minutes back to patricks. At 830 when I hadn’t heard, I assumed something was wrong with the phone so I headed there anyways. I arrived to a dark house, knocked, no answer and got in the hammock to chill while I waited for her. I fell asleep and woke up around midnight. Knocked again, still no response. So what is a pc volunteer to do??? Sleep on the ground outside. That’s what I did.
The next morning, I was awakened to the flushing of the toilet INSIDE the house. I knocked and low and behold, Molly answered. She ahd been there the whole night but never heard me knock or speak her name, lol. TIN!
Saturday morning, after waiting 3 hours, I ended up getting a free hike all the way to okahandja to Ruth’s front door. I hung out with her which was awesome. She is our ‘grandmother’ of the group – she is 70. Sunday, I got up to catch a hike to Windhoek. I found one right away but they were going to a house first then would pick me up in town. They drove right by me the bastards and left me hanging – it’s very typical. So I headed to the road and caught a free hike with the regional counselor from Mariental who had just left Swakopmund.
The first thing I did was drop my bag and head to the mall where I walked to the theater and discovered Sex and The City was playing in 10 minutes!!! The movie was cute but a tad over the top. When finished, I began texting some of the gay guys I had met via my blog who had offered me dinner and places to crash. I connected with roelof a 55 year old spanierd who has lived here for 26 years. We had a great dinner and conversation and then I crashed at his place. MISTAKE!!! Lol, he has this old chiming clock that is broken and LOUD and every hour goes off like 15 times!!!! Unfortunately I left my ear plugs at ruths and so I didn’t get much sleep that night.
So on Monday I started catching up with other volunteers as they arrived for their medical. I also had planned on meeting up with Chico, another guy who lives in Windhoek that I had met online. I went to see The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Jeff and Lily and it rocked. It is by far the best thing I’ve seen all year - American standards, not Namibia, lol. Spent some of the day just wandering around and doing a little shopping - I bought a wok! That night I met up with Chico, had a quick bite and then crashed at his place - since I still wasn’t checked into the lodge. I have to say, after 9 months of no sex, it was really nice to lay in bed next to someone. It’s amazing how good that simple gesture feels and how much I have missed it. Course, it made me miss Mark that much more. One of my most favorite things was curling up next to him - especially on a cold winter’s night and falling to sleep with his scent in my face.
Tuesday I hung around the PC office and lounge. I gave Linda a copy of the Rukwangali text book that I’ve been working on and she and Edward were very impressed. It felt good to see all my hard work printed out and in my hand. I still have to get a few copies to Magreth and Anna Marie for some last minute proofing but otherwise, it looks damn good.
Later that day I checked into my room and then a bunch of us went to Jeff’s and ordered Taal and had it delivered. It of course was good, but I think I’m actually preferring Ben’s curry more. Chico was actually going to come over and spend the night with me, but our wires got crossed and it didn’t happen. Just as well.
Wednesday I reported to the med office to start all of that business. They whisked me off to the dentist only to discover my appt. was the next day, so they brought me back. Let me backtrack by saying that I was suppose to meet with the PCMO before my dentist but she moved my appt. til after. So upon returning from the dentist, I had a few hours to kill. I went and purchased the sewing machine for the Veronica and Berta. I then returned to the office only to find they decided to push my appt. til the next day. Such is PC life. BE FLEXIBLE! Lol.
That night, Chico came over and yes, well, um…I had sex. Sex for the first time in 9 months. It was very weird. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. A lot actually. But there was something different about this. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so much in the past 9 months, but…I didn’t enjoy it. It felt vacant and weird. I felt like I was going through motions but not experiencing any sensation. It dawned on me when it was all over that I’ve what was missing was the emotional component. Now…I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of the time I left that part out on purpose. Basically I was just getting off and I always thought that was okay with me. I’ve realized now though that without it, I feel empty. Oddly enough, there was also a little guilt. I kept trying to figure out where that was coming from. I mean, Mark and I are not together. There is no commitment there currently cause frankly, I wouldn’t ask that of him…not with me 9000 miles away. It’s just not fair. But yes, I felt like I had ‘cheated’ on him. In the 5 years that we were together, during the times that we had split up and I was with other guys, I never felt that. This time I did. It was strange.
I’ve struggled my entire adult life with the concept of monogamy. Wondering whether it was something that really worked for me or whether it was some archaic religious concept. I’m starting to believe that maybe I am built that way after all. That I do want to find that one person to connect with. That one person who understands me. Accepts me. Challenges, loves, supports and excites me. Yeah…I think I do want that. I wonder sometimes if that person is Mark. Our relationship was never perfect but it had some really wonderful stuff in it. I know the part I played in not allowing it to be better than it was. In our conversations since I’ve been here, he has shared his feelings about his role in it as well. A huge part of me hopes that when I return to Cincy, we can address the ‘us’ again and see what happens. Is that selfish of me? Or romantic? Lol
Thursday I had all my medical appts. No cavities and the teeth are fine but I kinda have high blood pressure. It’s nothing to be worried about. The doc just wants me to cut out salt from my diet and then retest me in a few months. I never really paid attention to my intake of it. I think I ingest MUCH more than I should be. God I feel old. That night we all went out for all you can eat pizza and then I crashed. Thursday was also my father’s 80th birthday but I was unable to get ahold of him. My uncle Von had to have a triple bypass so my dad had travelled to Kentucky to see him. 80, damn. He’s like the energizer bunny - he just keeps going and going and going. I was able to email him a little birthday video so I hope he got to at least see that.
Friday, after breakfast, I began the daunting task of hiking back to site. I stood on the side of the highway for 3 hours before someone picked me up. They gave me a ride as far as Grootfontein. It was in a BMW so it never dawned on me that I was going to be charged. When he asked for money, I just shrugged, showed him my empty wallet and said I was sorry, lol. I tried for 6 hours to get a hike out of there to get to Rundu and nothing was working out. I then started to get worried wondering where I was going to lay my head that night. The ‘victim’ mentality sprung up and I was cursing PC, lol. I then called Peter, the nephew of my host father when I lived in Groot. He was not home, but called me back to say that he had made arrangements with his neighbor to have them let me in his flat so I could sleep safely tonight AND he had a taxi on their way to pick me up. Damn, the people of this country are amazingly generous! I went into the petrol station to pick up something to eat for dinner and on the way out, ran into someone going to Rundu, so I caught a ride with them. A very COLD ride in the back of a truck. The trade off was that it was a gorgeous night and I got to stare at the stars for a few hours.
I went straight to Patrick’s and crashed.
Yesterday, I waited a good 3 hours before catching a ride to Nkurenkuru. A rough ride at that. The driver was morbidly obese - which, trust me, it’s very difficult to find that in Namibia culture, I mean, hell, most people don’t eat that much. He drank tumbo (the traditional alcohol) the entire drive and stopped so frequently that I felt I could have walked faster. I arrived and it was nice to see Sarah and sort of be back home. Actually, I couldn’t WAIT to get back to my site. My bed, etc. This place really is beginning to feel like home to me. What a change from when I first arrived, eh?
It was Ben’s birthday, so he was cooking curry. Sarah made an amazing chocolate cake and I made pea and potato samosas. So much food went into my belly it was ridiculous. We then played Moosopoly. Not Monopoly. Moosopoly. Scot, Lindsey and Sarah had spent an entire day make a Namibia version of Monopoly on the back of a reg. monopoly board! It was fantastic and included MY HOUSE!!!! It was an awesome night of music, laughter and fellowship.
Today, I began watching the second season of Heroes (I snagged a lot of movies while in Windhoek), and then headed home. God it was good to arrive in Mpungu in one piece. How nice to walk into my house, take a shower, put my stuff away and just sit. I’m home….I’m home.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
June, June, June...Carter???
Monday, June 2 - Tuesday, June 3:
The last two days have been fairly uneventful. Going through the normal daily routines. Working part of the day in my office, heading home for lunch, then going back to my office to play hearts - yes, hearts. My new favorite game on the computer. I did go to the school today to make copies of posters for the assistant for the OVC program. As usual I had to butter up the secretary to make the copies and then have a meeting with the principal about hanging the posters. The biggest problem I still have here in the PC is the boredom. It’s the one thing they don’t tell you in the application process, lol. IF YOU ARE A PEACE CORPS. VOLUNTEER YOU WILL HAVE TONS OF DOWNTIME WITH NOTHING TO FILL IT!
Wednesday, June 4 - Sunday, June 8:
This past week has been a blur. Not a blur in the sense that I was busy as hell or anything…no, not that. Just a blur as in it went very fast and there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Most of the people I work with were wrapped up in the UMYA workshop, so things like English club and other meetings were cancelled. I did a little of this and a little of that. I did pass out a few applications for assistants for the OVC program and have gotten some positive applicants. I’m excited about that process.
Sarah arrived Friday evening and we’ve done nothing but chill out and watch movies all weekend. We did go on a minor hike yesterday but that was about it. I’m very slowly getting used to the idea of ‘doing nothing’. It’s a real issue of mine to always feel like I have to be ‘being productive’. I really need to learn to be okay with NOT doing it. I also was able to get my joystick working with my Nintendo program on the computer and have been playing Donkey Kong Country a lot. Oh and we took some more photos for the naked PCV calendar. We added ‘naked cooking’, ‘naked watching movies’ and ‘naked reading in the hammock’ to our collection. I hope one day we end up on Oprah because of this! lol
Monday, June 9 - Wednesday, June 11:
The days are beginning to fold into one another. I have fallen completely into a routine and well, in the states, I hated routines. I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. Also, it seems that both my supervisor AND the community counselor who is my counterpart AND my translator for all my meetings…are both trying to get jobs outside of Mpungu. My supervisor has a good reason. His wife died last September and his house and children are in Rundu. He has been trying to get there since last fall. I have a feeling he will be leaving very soon.
The counselor is leaving, I feel, because he has messed up too many times with confidentiality. There have been a lot of people coming to the clinic complaining about him getting drunk in the shebeens and talking about people’s HIV status. I think I’m mentioned this before. This is a serious problem cause stigma is what I’m trying to eliminate while I’m here. I think we’d be better off without him but if he leaves AND my super leaves…I’m not sure what I’m gonna do as a volunteer. I really rely on the one for translating and the other one to help organize community meetings. I’m not exactly sure what the next few months are going to hold for me here.
Tonight I just finished watching ‘The Kite Runner’ which was a beautiful movie…now of course I want to read the book. It made me miss Naz and Zizi a great deal…Zizi always calls me Chazzy jan. The movie made me cry but then again, I’ve always been a softy for emotional flicks.
I’m still debating on going to Nkurenkuru this weekend. Sarah isn’t there, she has headed to Windhoek for a Diversity meeting and then on the 17th she flies to the states for 10 days. I am so envious of her…it would be great to see my friends again and at the same time, would probably be hard for me to leave and come back here. I continue to have faith that there is a reason I’m here even if it’s just planting seeds. I’m really learning to let go of ‘immediate gratification’ and am trying to continually see the bigger picture. I’ve also gotten pretty good at not comparing myself to others…in the sense of what I’m doing in Mpungu compared to what others are doing elsewhere. Peace Corps. is a cultural exchange and if I make a difference in just one person’s life in the 2 years I’m here…then it was worth the two year commitment. I keep repeating that in my head.
Thursday, June 12 - Sunday, June 15:
Thursday came and went with Friday having me wonder about whether to hike to Nkurenkuru to do some grocery shopping. I finally decided to do just that AND to take Efuta with me. I got to the hike point and there were a handful of other people who had been waiting for about 2 hours. Then school let out and all of a sudden there were - no lie - about 55 people all waiting for rides. It took another 2 hours for me to finally get out of here. I spent the rest of the day chillin out, doing some grocery shopping and then I crashed watching a movie. I thought I was in for the night when Lindsey called to say the kid who had stolen from them before, tried to break in JUST THEN! She wanted me to help them go find him.
So here are 4 white people with sticks, tredging through the bush (the actual bush) with only the moonlight to guide us…trying to find this thief. That excitement aside…for some reason, the moment for Alex and I to bond decided to unfold itself THEN! He and I just haven’t meshed since I arrived in Mpungu and I always thought it was me. Something clicked. I can’t even put my finger on just what it was. But we were talking and sharing and BONDING!! Oh, we didn’t find the kid but it was fun enough to keep Lindsey from heading to his house and burning down his hut. Talk about cultural integration!
Saturday I hung out a bit in the morning and then around noon went over to play Monopoly with the gang. I was actually doing really well when we were asked if we wanted to go to Katitwi - the border town of Angola - about 45 minutes away. Sure, why not. This was 2 pm. We all said we didn’t really want to stay that late and I of course didn’t want to leave Efuta locked in the bathroom that long. So we decided only to hang out a few hours. We left Katitwi at 9:30 pm.
The night was fun, but I had told them earlier that I wasn’t going to drink - that way, if for some reason the actual driver of the vehicle that gave us a ride decided to get wasted, then I could do the ‘illegal for PC but responsible’ thing…and drive us back. Fortunately it didn’t get to that point. Beer was cheap though and they definitely put them away. I danced a bit, shot some pool and people watched. As it was getting late, it was also getting VERY cold. The nights are VERY cold now because of winter. So the ride back was freezing! Where are my mittens when I need them??
I hiked back early today because I wanted to practice the guitar. I had a package waiting for me at Sarah’s that contained a ‘how-to’ book and TONS of yarn from my friend Doug. Thanks man! I practiced for about 90 minutes today and think I am going to LOVE learning to play this instrument. I definitely have the ‘time’ to learn it. I received a call from my friend Joel - always good to hear from him. I made lentil burgers for dinner and gave my dad a call for Father’s Day. It’s been a good week.
Monday, June 16 - Monday, June 23:
Have I mentioned how the days are seeming to roll by more quickly? It’s probably due to the fact that I have settled into a sort of routine. This was to be a short week anyways, cause I was leaving Thursday with the kids from the school for the EWA conference. I worked on a few things in my office, some stuff at the clinic and then stuck around Wednesday evening for John’s B-day dinner.
Thursday the bus left around 8:15 am and after stopping at several schools along the way, finally arrived in Rundu around noon. It was long and dusty but the kids seemed pumped. I think that’s what I miss by not being in a teaching position…being with kids all day. We arrived much earlier than anticipated, so we played games with the kids during the afternoon while waiting on those from the east side. Ashley and Thea from Caprivi and Chris from Divundu came in so it was good to catch up with them.
I spent some time at the PC office to shoot off some emails and do a little research. I also had some mail there and upon reading the current newsletter, discovered the one funding source I was going to use for my theater equipment, has been cancelled for the rest of the year. Now I know I have mentioned how I keep running into walls and am somewhat disillusioned about PC life…but I mean, come on! Why does everything have to be so hard? I knew it wouldn’t be a cake walk when I joined, but hell, I am here to help people…if things were a little less difficult, I could accomplish much more.
The conference technically began on Friday and everything was running fine. Actually, everything ran fine the entire weekend except for a few small glitches here and there - as is the case with most things in this country. I helped out with some sex education stuff and HIV related talks. I realized once again, how much fear I have being in front of people. You would think it wouldn’t be the case with teenagers, but yes, the stage fright is still here. I didn’t speak in front of the large group, instead gave my two cents in smaller groups. That fear is something I definitely have to get over.
Friday night a bunch of us had dinner at Omashari…pizza man, good pizza. Saturday was great. You could see the kids bonding more and really opening up with questions. The students that were chosen to attend the workshop are the brightest kids from the school and that was apparent. They were all well-behaved and eager to learn. For lunch I took Thea to the open market. BAD mistake on my part. I don’t know for sure if it’s what I had to eat or that I just shook too many hands that day and didn’t wash up, but Saturday night I awoke around 11 pm with the WORST case of exploding diarrhea since entering the country. WORSE, mind you, then the episode on Grootfontain during CBT. I also was nauseas that throwing up. To add injury to insult, I wasn’t in my own home and there were 4 of us crashing together. So I was desperately trying to be as quiet as possible. NEVER gonna happen, lol. Every half hour, I was up, with something come out of somewhere.
Sunday I was worn out. Dehydrated. Weak. I was NOT looking forward to a 4 hour bus ride back to site. I drank plenty of water and sprite and tried to keep myself together. By the time we took off around 3, I felt I would make it without any accidents. I was right! I made it back to site around 7, unpacked all the groceries I bought, put away clothes, picked up Efuta, took a shower and settled in for a movie. Speaking of movies…Patrick informed me that this week he will be picking up the 4th season of LOST!!! OMG!!! I can’t wait to surprise Sarah with that. She will be back in 2 weeks, around the time of the 4th of July celebration at the Bavaria. That will be a total blast!
Tuesday, June 24 - Friday, June 27:
Monday was fairly uneventful. I prepared my English lesson for Thursday because Tuesday and Wednesday I was going to be helping the clinic with National Immunization Days. I did email Eyes on Africa Foundation…an organization that is fairly new - I got the info from Justin during EWA. I feel like I keep running into so many brick walls as far as funding for things. I was really hoping this one would pay off.
Tuesday was very busy in the morning. I helped monitor how many kids came for immunization. We saw close to 200 kids in the first few hours. It was sort of funny. No shots were given. The polio vaccine and Vitamin A were given orally. Most of the kids were crying and screaming and the nurse just grabbed the kids head, held it back, forced the mouth open and dropped the medicine in. It was very rough and there was no coddling involved. It made me laugh a little thinking about doctors in the US ga-ga-ing and goo-goo-ing to get the kids to behave.
Wednesday we didn’t see that many kids so I worked on demolition for a bit, then worked from my flat. I checked email and to my surprise, Jeff from EOAF had written me back and very enthusiastically asked me to submit all the proposals I had. I sent him ones for the AFHS corner and the theater equipment. I thought maybe the garden proposal was too much money.
Thursday Jeff wrote back and asked for the garden prop! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will be able to help me with this. I also had scheduled a meeting with all the groups to get the garden clearing back on track and to discuss some other things. It was scheduled for 9, the few that did come, showed up around 10. It’s always the same few, dedicated ones that show up to everything and yet the others who never come, gripe and moan about things not getting done quicker, lol. I held the meeting and it was successful. I’m hoping from this point forward we can be more organized. Dinner with the teachers was good. Now that I feel more bonded with Alex and Christine, it makes hanging out all the better. I realize that they were just as insecure about hanging out with me as I was with them. Once we were past that, it’s smooth sailing.
Today we worked on demolition for a few hours, then I knocked off around 11. I’ve played video games, watched movies, exercised and worked on the Rukwangali dictionary. It’s now about 7 and I’m getting ready to eat and curl up with a movie. I still don’t like feeling lonely…being here in Namibia…in Mpungu all by myself. BUT…I’m working through it.
Saturday, June 28 - Sunday, June 29:
This past weekend has been very lonely. 4 weeks now with Sarah being away. That’s me with nothing to do on the weekends. Do I find myself with things to do? Sure. I can watch movies, read, go for a hike, play hearts on the computer, etc. I just don’t like it. It’s not about NOT being able to handle it. It’s just the fact that I DON’T LIKE IT! It’s not even about having nothing to do but think. I’ve gotten used to ‘thinking’ about things. I feel like that’s all I do and have done.
Next week marks 6 months at site. That’s the amount of time I promised I would give myself to ‘settle’ in. Well…I feel like I’ve ‘settled in’ I just don’t know if I am happy. I realized something else the other day. This one is a little hard to admit. One of the reasons I joined the PC was to be able to say, ‘I spent 2 years in the PC’, so that I could get attention from it. So that people would look at me and think ‘wow, this guy is something…he did the PC’. With that acknowledgement, I began to think of how many things I’ve done or do JUST to get attention. I discovered quite a lot. To the point where I think it’s so ingrained that I wonder how much of myself actually gets out.
I find it interesting that I spend the majority of my life being aloof, so as not to get close to people because I fear what they really might think of me and the other part of my life doing things to get attention from the people that I’m not wanting to get close to. What the F? I mean, seriously. What the F is wrong with me? But more importantly, now that I’ve had this light bulb realization, how do I go about changing it? If I have spent the majority of my life fearing what people think and yet craving attention at the same time…how the hell does one turn that around? How does one become completely comfortable in one’s own skin to where he doesn’t care what people think? If I get to that point - where I don’t care - then I believe I will be happy. Completely happy. Cause if I am not caring what people really think about me, then I won’t be afraid to get close to them. If I am not caring what people think about me, then I won’t live my life trying to get attention. This will free up so much of my time and give me back ‘my life’.
Seriously…where does something like this originate? Sure, I can go back to school and say I had it rough and people picked on me which caused me to be insecure which led me to not wanting to be close to people because I assumed everyone would think I was a geek, a wimp, a pussy, a loser. Thinking about school, I remember during my senior year, that our Senior Memories book or something like that was put out. I read in there that in 2nd grade (that’s the year I transferred to Jonesville), that I became the heartthrob. Heartthrob?? ME?!?!? That means, that at that time, I was on the precipice of something. I could have gone on from there to be one of the popular kids. One who was well liked. So what happened? Where did the shift from ‘heartthrob’ to ‘geek being pushed around the locker room’? Was there some pivotal moment in my elementary school experience where instead of going down the ‘cool’ path I chose a different one and therefore sealed my fate? How different would my life be, my self-confidence, my overall attitude about myself be if I had remained on that one road.
On top of that, say something did happen. Say I get in touch with what happened. Does that mean all of a sudden my life will turn around? I will be completely different? Or does all this realization just mean that I have THAT much more work to do on myself to change these behaviors that no longer work for me? Do you ever get tired of working on yourself? I know I do.
Monday, June 30:
Today is Shelly’s birthday and I’ve been wondering all day if she received my package I sent with Sarah. I thought if she had, I’d have heard from her by now.
In this place, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to be American. How lucky I am to be white. How lucky I was to be born to good parents. How lucky I am to have an education. How lucky I am……(fill in the blank with a thousand possible answers). How does one consciously balance that feeling of luckiness with all the misery, hopelessness and poverty that exists in the world? I know I’m being a tad dramatic, but… Really…how is it possible for me - with all that I am blessed with - mainly just because of circumstance and the color of my skin - how am I supposed to accept all that comes my way - having lived in a place where people have nothing? How does one wrap their minds around it in order to continue through life feeling good about oneself? Must I give up everything like Mother Theresa in order to make things even? Can I have a good, comfortable, successful, bountiful life after leaving here? Can I consciously do that without always struggling with justification? Forgive me for waxing poetic or should I say forgive me for my pseudo-spiritual rant. I am just looking for answers. Answers that may not exist for me.
The last two days have been fairly uneventful. Going through the normal daily routines. Working part of the day in my office, heading home for lunch, then going back to my office to play hearts - yes, hearts. My new favorite game on the computer. I did go to the school today to make copies of posters for the assistant for the OVC program. As usual I had to butter up the secretary to make the copies and then have a meeting with the principal about hanging the posters. The biggest problem I still have here in the PC is the boredom. It’s the one thing they don’t tell you in the application process, lol. IF YOU ARE A PEACE CORPS. VOLUNTEER YOU WILL HAVE TONS OF DOWNTIME WITH NOTHING TO FILL IT!
Wednesday, June 4 - Sunday, June 8:
This past week has been a blur. Not a blur in the sense that I was busy as hell or anything…no, not that. Just a blur as in it went very fast and there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Most of the people I work with were wrapped up in the UMYA workshop, so things like English club and other meetings were cancelled. I did a little of this and a little of that. I did pass out a few applications for assistants for the OVC program and have gotten some positive applicants. I’m excited about that process.
Sarah arrived Friday evening and we’ve done nothing but chill out and watch movies all weekend. We did go on a minor hike yesterday but that was about it. I’m very slowly getting used to the idea of ‘doing nothing’. It’s a real issue of mine to always feel like I have to be ‘being productive’. I really need to learn to be okay with NOT doing it. I also was able to get my joystick working with my Nintendo program on the computer and have been playing Donkey Kong Country a lot. Oh and we took some more photos for the naked PCV calendar. We added ‘naked cooking’, ‘naked watching movies’ and ‘naked reading in the hammock’ to our collection. I hope one day we end up on Oprah because of this! lol
Monday, June 9 - Wednesday, June 11:
The days are beginning to fold into one another. I have fallen completely into a routine and well, in the states, I hated routines. I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. Also, it seems that both my supervisor AND the community counselor who is my counterpart AND my translator for all my meetings…are both trying to get jobs outside of Mpungu. My supervisor has a good reason. His wife died last September and his house and children are in Rundu. He has been trying to get there since last fall. I have a feeling he will be leaving very soon.
The counselor is leaving, I feel, because he has messed up too many times with confidentiality. There have been a lot of people coming to the clinic complaining about him getting drunk in the shebeens and talking about people’s HIV status. I think I’m mentioned this before. This is a serious problem cause stigma is what I’m trying to eliminate while I’m here. I think we’d be better off without him but if he leaves AND my super leaves…I’m not sure what I’m gonna do as a volunteer. I really rely on the one for translating and the other one to help organize community meetings. I’m not exactly sure what the next few months are going to hold for me here.
Tonight I just finished watching ‘The Kite Runner’ which was a beautiful movie…now of course I want to read the book. It made me miss Naz and Zizi a great deal…Zizi always calls me Chazzy jan. The movie made me cry but then again, I’ve always been a softy for emotional flicks.
I’m still debating on going to Nkurenkuru this weekend. Sarah isn’t there, she has headed to Windhoek for a Diversity meeting and then on the 17th she flies to the states for 10 days. I am so envious of her…it would be great to see my friends again and at the same time, would probably be hard for me to leave and come back here. I continue to have faith that there is a reason I’m here even if it’s just planting seeds. I’m really learning to let go of ‘immediate gratification’ and am trying to continually see the bigger picture. I’ve also gotten pretty good at not comparing myself to others…in the sense of what I’m doing in Mpungu compared to what others are doing elsewhere. Peace Corps. is a cultural exchange and if I make a difference in just one person’s life in the 2 years I’m here…then it was worth the two year commitment. I keep repeating that in my head.
Thursday, June 12 - Sunday, June 15:
Thursday came and went with Friday having me wonder about whether to hike to Nkurenkuru to do some grocery shopping. I finally decided to do just that AND to take Efuta with me. I got to the hike point and there were a handful of other people who had been waiting for about 2 hours. Then school let out and all of a sudden there were - no lie - about 55 people all waiting for rides. It took another 2 hours for me to finally get out of here. I spent the rest of the day chillin out, doing some grocery shopping and then I crashed watching a movie. I thought I was in for the night when Lindsey called to say the kid who had stolen from them before, tried to break in JUST THEN! She wanted me to help them go find him.
So here are 4 white people with sticks, tredging through the bush (the actual bush) with only the moonlight to guide us…trying to find this thief. That excitement aside…for some reason, the moment for Alex and I to bond decided to unfold itself THEN! He and I just haven’t meshed since I arrived in Mpungu and I always thought it was me. Something clicked. I can’t even put my finger on just what it was. But we were talking and sharing and BONDING!! Oh, we didn’t find the kid but it was fun enough to keep Lindsey from heading to his house and burning down his hut. Talk about cultural integration!
Saturday I hung out a bit in the morning and then around noon went over to play Monopoly with the gang. I was actually doing really well when we were asked if we wanted to go to Katitwi - the border town of Angola - about 45 minutes away. Sure, why not. This was 2 pm. We all said we didn’t really want to stay that late and I of course didn’t want to leave Efuta locked in the bathroom that long. So we decided only to hang out a few hours. We left Katitwi at 9:30 pm.
The night was fun, but I had told them earlier that I wasn’t going to drink - that way, if for some reason the actual driver of the vehicle that gave us a ride decided to get wasted, then I could do the ‘illegal for PC but responsible’ thing…and drive us back. Fortunately it didn’t get to that point. Beer was cheap though and they definitely put them away. I danced a bit, shot some pool and people watched. As it was getting late, it was also getting VERY cold. The nights are VERY cold now because of winter. So the ride back was freezing! Where are my mittens when I need them??
I hiked back early today because I wanted to practice the guitar. I had a package waiting for me at Sarah’s that contained a ‘how-to’ book and TONS of yarn from my friend Doug. Thanks man! I practiced for about 90 minutes today and think I am going to LOVE learning to play this instrument. I definitely have the ‘time’ to learn it. I received a call from my friend Joel - always good to hear from him. I made lentil burgers for dinner and gave my dad a call for Father’s Day. It’s been a good week.
Monday, June 16 - Monday, June 23:
Have I mentioned how the days are seeming to roll by more quickly? It’s probably due to the fact that I have settled into a sort of routine. This was to be a short week anyways, cause I was leaving Thursday with the kids from the school for the EWA conference. I worked on a few things in my office, some stuff at the clinic and then stuck around Wednesday evening for John’s B-day dinner.
Thursday the bus left around 8:15 am and after stopping at several schools along the way, finally arrived in Rundu around noon. It was long and dusty but the kids seemed pumped. I think that’s what I miss by not being in a teaching position…being with kids all day. We arrived much earlier than anticipated, so we played games with the kids during the afternoon while waiting on those from the east side. Ashley and Thea from Caprivi and Chris from Divundu came in so it was good to catch up with them.
I spent some time at the PC office to shoot off some emails and do a little research. I also had some mail there and upon reading the current newsletter, discovered the one funding source I was going to use for my theater equipment, has been cancelled for the rest of the year. Now I know I have mentioned how I keep running into walls and am somewhat disillusioned about PC life…but I mean, come on! Why does everything have to be so hard? I knew it wouldn’t be a cake walk when I joined, but hell, I am here to help people…if things were a little less difficult, I could accomplish much more.
The conference technically began on Friday and everything was running fine. Actually, everything ran fine the entire weekend except for a few small glitches here and there - as is the case with most things in this country. I helped out with some sex education stuff and HIV related talks. I realized once again, how much fear I have being in front of people. You would think it wouldn’t be the case with teenagers, but yes, the stage fright is still here. I didn’t speak in front of the large group, instead gave my two cents in smaller groups. That fear is something I definitely have to get over.
Friday night a bunch of us had dinner at Omashari…pizza man, good pizza. Saturday was great. You could see the kids bonding more and really opening up with questions. The students that were chosen to attend the workshop are the brightest kids from the school and that was apparent. They were all well-behaved and eager to learn. For lunch I took Thea to the open market. BAD mistake on my part. I don’t know for sure if it’s what I had to eat or that I just shook too many hands that day and didn’t wash up, but Saturday night I awoke around 11 pm with the WORST case of exploding diarrhea since entering the country. WORSE, mind you, then the episode on Grootfontain during CBT. I also was nauseas that throwing up. To add injury to insult, I wasn’t in my own home and there were 4 of us crashing together. So I was desperately trying to be as quiet as possible. NEVER gonna happen, lol. Every half hour, I was up, with something come out of somewhere.
Sunday I was worn out. Dehydrated. Weak. I was NOT looking forward to a 4 hour bus ride back to site. I drank plenty of water and sprite and tried to keep myself together. By the time we took off around 3, I felt I would make it without any accidents. I was right! I made it back to site around 7, unpacked all the groceries I bought, put away clothes, picked up Efuta, took a shower and settled in for a movie. Speaking of movies…Patrick informed me that this week he will be picking up the 4th season of LOST!!! OMG!!! I can’t wait to surprise Sarah with that. She will be back in 2 weeks, around the time of the 4th of July celebration at the Bavaria. That will be a total blast!
Tuesday, June 24 - Friday, June 27:
Monday was fairly uneventful. I prepared my English lesson for Thursday because Tuesday and Wednesday I was going to be helping the clinic with National Immunization Days. I did email Eyes on Africa Foundation…an organization that is fairly new - I got the info from Justin during EWA. I feel like I keep running into so many brick walls as far as funding for things. I was really hoping this one would pay off.
Tuesday was very busy in the morning. I helped monitor how many kids came for immunization. We saw close to 200 kids in the first few hours. It was sort of funny. No shots were given. The polio vaccine and Vitamin A were given orally. Most of the kids were crying and screaming and the nurse just grabbed the kids head, held it back, forced the mouth open and dropped the medicine in. It was very rough and there was no coddling involved. It made me laugh a little thinking about doctors in the US ga-ga-ing and goo-goo-ing to get the kids to behave.
Wednesday we didn’t see that many kids so I worked on demolition for a bit, then worked from my flat. I checked email and to my surprise, Jeff from EOAF had written me back and very enthusiastically asked me to submit all the proposals I had. I sent him ones for the AFHS corner and the theater equipment. I thought maybe the garden proposal was too much money.
Thursday Jeff wrote back and asked for the garden prop! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will be able to help me with this. I also had scheduled a meeting with all the groups to get the garden clearing back on track and to discuss some other things. It was scheduled for 9, the few that did come, showed up around 10. It’s always the same few, dedicated ones that show up to everything and yet the others who never come, gripe and moan about things not getting done quicker, lol. I held the meeting and it was successful. I’m hoping from this point forward we can be more organized. Dinner with the teachers was good. Now that I feel more bonded with Alex and Christine, it makes hanging out all the better. I realize that they were just as insecure about hanging out with me as I was with them. Once we were past that, it’s smooth sailing.
Today we worked on demolition for a few hours, then I knocked off around 11. I’ve played video games, watched movies, exercised and worked on the Rukwangali dictionary. It’s now about 7 and I’m getting ready to eat and curl up with a movie. I still don’t like feeling lonely…being here in Namibia…in Mpungu all by myself. BUT…I’m working through it.
Saturday, June 28 - Sunday, June 29:
This past weekend has been very lonely. 4 weeks now with Sarah being away. That’s me with nothing to do on the weekends. Do I find myself with things to do? Sure. I can watch movies, read, go for a hike, play hearts on the computer, etc. I just don’t like it. It’s not about NOT being able to handle it. It’s just the fact that I DON’T LIKE IT! It’s not even about having nothing to do but think. I’ve gotten used to ‘thinking’ about things. I feel like that’s all I do and have done.
Next week marks 6 months at site. That’s the amount of time I promised I would give myself to ‘settle’ in. Well…I feel like I’ve ‘settled in’ I just don’t know if I am happy. I realized something else the other day. This one is a little hard to admit. One of the reasons I joined the PC was to be able to say, ‘I spent 2 years in the PC’, so that I could get attention from it. So that people would look at me and think ‘wow, this guy is something…he did the PC’. With that acknowledgement, I began to think of how many things I’ve done or do JUST to get attention. I discovered quite a lot. To the point where I think it’s so ingrained that I wonder how much of myself actually gets out.
I find it interesting that I spend the majority of my life being aloof, so as not to get close to people because I fear what they really might think of me and the other part of my life doing things to get attention from the people that I’m not wanting to get close to. What the F? I mean, seriously. What the F is wrong with me? But more importantly, now that I’ve had this light bulb realization, how do I go about changing it? If I have spent the majority of my life fearing what people think and yet craving attention at the same time…how the hell does one turn that around? How does one become completely comfortable in one’s own skin to where he doesn’t care what people think? If I get to that point - where I don’t care - then I believe I will be happy. Completely happy. Cause if I am not caring what people really think about me, then I won’t be afraid to get close to them. If I am not caring what people think about me, then I won’t live my life trying to get attention. This will free up so much of my time and give me back ‘my life’.
Seriously…where does something like this originate? Sure, I can go back to school and say I had it rough and people picked on me which caused me to be insecure which led me to not wanting to be close to people because I assumed everyone would think I was a geek, a wimp, a pussy, a loser. Thinking about school, I remember during my senior year, that our Senior Memories book or something like that was put out. I read in there that in 2nd grade (that’s the year I transferred to Jonesville), that I became the heartthrob. Heartthrob?? ME?!?!? That means, that at that time, I was on the precipice of something. I could have gone on from there to be one of the popular kids. One who was well liked. So what happened? Where did the shift from ‘heartthrob’ to ‘geek being pushed around the locker room’? Was there some pivotal moment in my elementary school experience where instead of going down the ‘cool’ path I chose a different one and therefore sealed my fate? How different would my life be, my self-confidence, my overall attitude about myself be if I had remained on that one road.
On top of that, say something did happen. Say I get in touch with what happened. Does that mean all of a sudden my life will turn around? I will be completely different? Or does all this realization just mean that I have THAT much more work to do on myself to change these behaviors that no longer work for me? Do you ever get tired of working on yourself? I know I do.
Monday, June 30:
Today is Shelly’s birthday and I’ve been wondering all day if she received my package I sent with Sarah. I thought if she had, I’d have heard from her by now.
In this place, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to be American. How lucky I am to be white. How lucky I was to be born to good parents. How lucky I am to have an education. How lucky I am……(fill in the blank with a thousand possible answers). How does one consciously balance that feeling of luckiness with all the misery, hopelessness and poverty that exists in the world? I know I’m being a tad dramatic, but… Really…how is it possible for me - with all that I am blessed with - mainly just because of circumstance and the color of my skin - how am I supposed to accept all that comes my way - having lived in a place where people have nothing? How does one wrap their minds around it in order to continue through life feeling good about oneself? Must I give up everything like Mother Theresa in order to make things even? Can I have a good, comfortable, successful, bountiful life after leaving here? Can I consciously do that without always struggling with justification? Forgive me for waxing poetic or should I say forgive me for my pseudo-spiritual rant. I am just looking for answers. Answers that may not exist for me.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Where are all the flowers?
Thursday, May 1 - Monday, May 5:
I had stuck around Mpungu instead of heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday because everyone in English club said they didn’t want to go so long without class. They did decide to move class to 9, instead of 11 so I could get out a little earlier. Well, only 1 person showed up at 9. I was kinda pissed, but then again, that’s Namibia. I went ahead and taught the class because the one student had walked 10k to be there. I then grabbed my stuff, headed to the hike point, and made my way to Sarah’s.
Coleen and Juice were there, so it was good to hang with them a bit, and then Sarah and I headed to Rundu. We were surprised to find some of the Caprivi kids there as well. We hung out that night, had a great dinner which included banana’s Foster, lol, and played poker - which I am NOT good at. Friday morning Sarah and I started hiking which included me witnessing a stray dog getting hit and thrown by a car. It was gross, laying there with it’s tail still wagging. Then I got to see some locals remove it from the highway and haul it off to their hut - I won’t guess as to what they were going to do with it. Affter about 10 hours - ALL FREE mind you - we arrived in Windhoek. The hike there included a ride with two Namibian teacher’s in their soccer van, a short stint in a semi-truck, a ride with an Afrikaaner with Zebra steaks in a cooler in the back seat, then a ride with a Ministry of Health worker.
We arrived and checked into the Cardboard Box, a backpacker’s hostel. I have never stayed in a hostel and now I’m a huge fan! It was only N$75 a night which included breakfast. We caught up with Izziza, Amanda and Mariko (a Kenyan volunteer who transferred here when all of them were evacuated) and went out to dinner at Taal, the Indian place. Saturday, was spent hangin’ out in the city with people slowly arriving. We spent time at the mall - I was getting quotes for my theater project. We found out there was a reggae concert at the Warehouse, so tickets were purchased. Then it was back to the hostel as more 27ers arrived and ‘catching up’ ensued. A handful of us headed to an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, only to find it closed. We then had Italian at Sardinia’s. It was by far, the best pizza I have had in the country - then it was off to the concert.
The music was amazing (and loud) and of course the club was very smoky - all kinds of smoky. My eyes were aching by midnight and I was ready to go. Some of us headed back, while others hung out till very late. I’m WAY too old to stay out THAT late. On Sunday, we slept in a bit, had breakfast, then while the girls took Izziza to the airport, Mariko and I headed into town for more quotes and some tahini.
Afterwards, we picked up all our clothes (after having washed then in a REAL coin operated washing machine) and got a cab to the PC office. SCORE! Most of the 27ers had shown up and it was great seeing them all again. We were then shuffled to Greiter’s, this amazing lodge on a hill outside the city that has the most beautiful views of the mountains. The air and silence is wonderful. We had dinner and then I crashed around 9.
Today is the first day of training which is good and bad. Long days, but useful information. More catching up. I got my 2nd Hep A shot and was supposed to get a flu shot but got out of it. I never get sick - like that kind of sick - and I don’t want a shot of something that could make me feel bad. The day is almost over and I want to chill out and watch the sky. I also did yoga this morning as the sun came up over the mountain top - fantastic!
Tuesday, May 6:
Last night we did an exercise were many different feeling statements - ie. not sure, disillusioned, life is great, etc. - were placed around the room and we had to stand by how we felt after 4 months at site. I stood directly between ‘not sure’ and ‘counting the days’. My reasoning is all the things I’ve already talked about but it was nice to share those thoughts with other people feeling the same way. After sharing with other PCVS, the one common link was the realization that Peace Corps is a job. Yes, we don’t get paid a lot and it’s not as structured as a stateside job (except for education volunteers) but basically at this point we’re all settled down into a routine. The only difference is that we are in another country. So a lot of people who are disillusioned and thinking about going home, feel like they could be doing what they are doing here - BACK in the states.
See, on the surface, and what you see in the ads for PC or what promoters of PC say - is only about 15-20% of what life is actually like. They never mentioned the arbitrary times or how you become so habituated to the things that thrilled you upon arrival. Through all of this can come a sense of boredom - even though you are in such an amazing place. It’s this reality that makes most people want to return to the states. It’s just been nice to hear everyone’s story and discover we are all in similar places.
The health people also went on a tour of a local hydrophonic garden which was great, but would be virtually impossible t reproduce in my village. We also toured a local hangout of a youth group where the kids were amazing! It makes me very excited to get back and work with the OVCs. Oh and as I was eating a piece of candy, I lost a crown on a tooth. Great! This better not mess me up for going to Swakopmund next weekend, that’s all I’m saying.
Wednesday, May 7:
Okay, so I am back to the ‘not enjoying this’ part of training. So much of what they are telling us we have either already figured out on our own or should have known before we left for site. I came to reconnect hoping it would be all about where to get money and for what. NO! I’ve received very little information about that and with limited internet at my site, it’s just going to make things take that much longer.
On top of that, we’ve started learning about project development and evaluation. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. At site I was just beginning to feel like I was finding my way…now I am back to ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’. There are all these steps and procedures that need to be performed in order to accomplish something and have it be sustainable. I believe at site I have skipped a lot of steps in order to ‘feel ‘like I was doing something. I realize that’s my issue. I am impatient. I am used to just ‘doing’ and not ‘planning’. It’s what I loved about volunteering at Caracole. They pretty much let me do what I wanted - within reason. No meetings to go through - no red tape.
I’m going to have to go back to my site and digress just a bit. Have some meetings and get a few more people on board with my projects. I am SO glad I am on vacation next week!
Thursday, May 8 - Sunday, May 11:
I think I wrote last on Wednesday or was it Tuesday? Anyways, it’s now Sunday - Mother’s Day - so I’ll try and catch everyone up. Wednesday is escaping me, so I’ll start with Thursday.
We had 2 different guest speakers. One was a guy who preaches abstinence across Namibia and doesn’t believe in promoting condom use. I thought I was going to dislike him but he made me see a different side of the HIV fight. I disagreed with his philosophy and approach in regards to women, but the info about how condom promotion isn’t working that well, made sense. I’m still gonna offer condoms to young people, but there are other alternatives as well.
We then heard from an American who talked to us about proposal writing. He was loud, egotistical and a showoff and though I partly agree that we should try and get money for projects from wherever we can, he ended up being poorly received. Most PCVs did not like him at all. It definitely made me look at getting money differently. A part f me wants to find money wherever I can to accomplish the projects I’m doing, but I also have to learn how to make things sustainable.
All that said - I AM IN SWAKOP NOW NOW!!! This place is amazing! It’s cold and foggy and the water is great and there are paved roads and tons of stores and houses along the beach and pizza shops…OMG! I’m on a real vacation. It’s fantastic the amount of diversity in culture, people, topography, etc. that exists in this country. It’s equally as strange to know that here there is all this money and million dollar homes and back in my village there are people not eating. How do I justify or balance this in my head? How do I allow myself to enjoy thai food tomorrow for dinner knowing the people who are becoming my friends in Mpungu will never enjoy a meal like that? I still don’t know how to do this.
Monday, May 12 (9:00 am on the beach):
How is it that I have never lived by the ocean? It calms and centers me like nothing else. Is it that powerful for everyone? I wonder. I think about the people in my village who have never seen the ocean - not even a picture of it. What would their experience be like the first time they stepped foot in the wet sand? To go a level deeper - why is it that I get to have this experience and so many other’s don’t? What in the universe lined up allowing me to have the life I do when I know people who are living in stick huts with no water or food? Is that fair? Is it karma? Is it luck of the draw? It makes me question the existence of God. Not in the sense that there isn’t a source of love and light existing outside our realm of consciousness, but more so the ‘idea’ of God that most people cling to and many religions idolize. If there was actually a man - a white, English speaking man, lol - sitting in some far away heaven watching every little thing that goes on here - every second of every day - how would or could he live with himself - witnessing all that goes on? Does he have a mind and consciousness that sees a bigger picture that I am incapable of comprehending? Or is the idea of God as a ‘being’ a fallacy created by man for a system of control? Sitting here watching the pounding surf I have no doubt of a presence…of an energy all around me. But to believe that an individual sits ruler over all I see just seems ridiculous and on that note…wouldn’t God, if in reality was some type of supernatural entity, be bored as hell?
Tuesday, May 13 - Thursday, May 15:
What an insane past 3 days. We got up early Tuesday morning to hike to Walvis Bay to go kayaking. It was fantastic! So many seals that would come right up to the kayaks and play with our oars. They were so cute. I saw a lot of dolphins but they weren’t being as playful so they kept their distance. Our guide was super cool and also fed us lunch. Afterwards, Sarah and I wandered around the twon a bit then caught a hike back to Swakopmund. We separated to do our own thing a bit and I lost my ATM card in a BOB machine. I must have transposed some numbers entering my password and when you do that more than 3 times, the machine keeps it. So I went to the FNB where a somewhat cute Afrikaaner guy who used to play rugby for South Africa but is now in a wheelchair due to a quad bike accident, tried to help me. Alas, since I did not have my passport, he could not. Also, my debit card from the states wasn’t working, so if Sarah wasn’t with me, I could have been a little freaked out about how I was going to make it back to site.
I was gonna go to the movies but got a call from Dave which was great cause I hadn’t talked to him in awhile. We then were going to have dinner with Obie and is wife but they were busy. So w went to a bar called FAGINS (NOT a gay bar, lol), then headed home.
Wednesday we got up early and headed to the outskirts of town to hike to Henti’s Bay. We were far away from people so I took a naked hiking picture. I think we are going to make a calendar of them. We made it to Henti’s which is a small fishing town and had lunch. The beach and surf were beautiful. We then got a hike to the road to take us to Uis - pronounced Weec. The place where the truck dropped us was literally in the middle of nowhere and what do you do in the middle of nowhere? Take more naked pics of course! After about 45 minutes we caught a hike with a safari group of French tourists going to see the ‘white lady’ (we’re still not sure exactly what that is). We made it to Uis which looks like a town out of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’. Seriously! After getting something to drink and eat and convincing a drunk man that my tattoos did NOT mean I like hanging out with people who do drugs, we caught a hike to Khorixas. The landscaping was breathtaking and we saw a group of ostriches.
We met up with Jill and Jessica, played Boggle, ate lentil burgers, then crashed. This morning we headed out to the hike point early and had just bargained with a taxi to get us to Outjo for 40 each when we caught a free hike with an English couple. There were fun to talk to. In Outjo we got some bread at a little German bakery that has the ‘poshest’ bathrooms in the entire country. We caught a ride to Otjiworongo - yes, another free one - and then sat in the hot sun there for about 90 minutes before catching a lift to Otavi. There, we caught a ride with a guy from Hamburg, Germany who lives here now and is actually the creator/distributor of MOSSI mosquito nets. He was a pretty funny guy. He took us as far as Groot. We had planned on crashing there for the night, but quickly caught a ride to Rundu with some PEPFAR Government officials. We’ve pretty much travelled over 1500k in the last 2 weeks and it’s only cost us about N$100 each (that’s 10 bucks US). How is it I never hitchhiked in the states???? I’m glad to be back in the north and to have a nice mattress to sleep on! I’ll be home by Saturday since SNL are having a braai tomorrow night. Whew! Long few weeks!
Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18:
Got up early, walked to the TRC to get my yarn and ‘seeds’ from Thea, came back and got Sarah and headed to Red Cross, had a meeting, went grocery shopping and then hooked us a ride. The ride was typical Namibian style. 11 people packed into a combi with all their shit and of course the guy lied to us. We asked if he was leaving right then and he said yes, but that translated into us waiting in the van until it filled up completely which was about an hour later. The problem is that if you change your mind, get tired of waiting, it’s almost too late because your stuff is loaded on the roof with everyone else’s and disembarking only means those people have to wait that much longer.
We arrived - covered in dush - at Sarah’s place and chilled the rest of the day. I had 5 packages waiting at the post. 5! Everytime I have a package it feels like Christmas - SERIOUSLY! - so you can imagine what 5 felt like. I got something from Mark, my cousin Mia, my friends at Caracole, Russ and a guy I don’t even know - just chatted with briefly online one day. They were ALL amazing and Bob and the Caracole crew outdid themselves with over 75 movies! I introduced Sarah to ‘Dead Like Me’ but it didn’t catch, so we watched ‘Boy’s on the Side’ and crashed.
Saturday we slept in, watched some ‘Six Feet Under’, took an hours walk by the river, had some lunch, I did some laundry and then headed to SNL’s for the braai. It was for Alex’s girlfriend who was visiting from the states and most of the Kavango 26ers were there - including many VSOs - including the one who picked us up in Windhoek when we were looking for the gay bar that one night. This country is SO small. The night was great and turned into a dance party with music by a dj called ‘girl talk’. Sarah and I left around 10:30 and crashed watching some movies. Today I will head back to site. I am excited to be returning home and to see Efuta. I am recharged from the past 2 weeks and want to hit the ground running. Or at least at something slightly faster than a leisurely pace.
Monday, May 19 - Tuesday, May 20:
I arrived in on Sunday afternoon, with all my shit and unpacked. It was great to see Efuta - he got so big in just 2 weeks! Monday I spent in my office, sending some emails, starting some proposals and basically getting ultra-organized. I wanted to meet with Lyambezi but he was busy the whole day. I worked up until 4 then headed home to hang.
Today I put some time in on the demolition, sat in on a staff meeting (where I had a lot of points to bring up and they were well received), then worked from my house the rest of the day. Lyambezi still could not meet with me today and left for a funeral - he won’t be back until Monday. I have SO much I need to talk to him about and he seems to be avoiding me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he is always telling me of a position he has applied for in another town - usually Rundu. I have this feeling is going to be leaving soon and I’m not sure where that puts me in regards to PC. I don’t know if I HAVE to have a supervisor or not. I’d rather not. I can run things by other people, including members of the VDC and the headman. I just hope he gets me a stove before he leaves! Tonight I’m going to do yoga, hang with Karel and watch a movie and then read a bit.
Wednesday, May 21 - Thursday, May 22:
Wednesday I had decided to have an initial meeting with the OVCs to get the ball rolling on an after school program. When I had had my first meeting the week before I headed to reconnect, 12 children showed up. I was thinking there would be a few more but not much. Well…227 showed up! I was NOT expecting that. They ranged in age from 7-23. I should have told Fanual to have a cut off age around 17-18 when he made the announcement - that was my mistake.
So it took about 90 minutes to take everyone’s information and there was really no reason to have a meeting with that many kids. I introduced myself to them and what I had in mind but told them I would have to set an age limit and then probably split the remainder into 2 groups that meet on different days. On the spot, I decided that I could have an application process for assistants from the older ones to help me with the 2 groups - so they don’t all feel left out in some way.
Afterwards, I had a talk with Fanuel about how things are going. He informed me that ELCIN - which is the home based health care group - no longer wants to be a part of our garden. This is upsetting to me because the garden was THEIR initial project. I have done my best to make sure they are invited to every meeting and that they were represented on the garden committee. So I don’t know what is going on there and I have to find out. If they pull out, I’m not sure where most of our funding for seeds and such will come from.
Today was going to be English and then a garden committee meeting to discuss the current situation with the garden. Once again, only 1 person showed up for English and only 1 person on the garden committee showed up. I should be used to this by now but the frustration is getting the best of me. There is a part of me that needs to feel like something is DONE or close to being DONE. I don’t have the patience to wait and wait and wait. I realize this is completely my issue but I feel like I’ve been flailing for 5 months now and with nothing concrete for me to work from, I just keep flailing. I know I’ll grow from this and become more patient - it all just adds to my feelings of ‘what the hell am I doing’?. Yes, I’m still wondering that after 5 months!
Friday, May 23 - Saturday, May 24:
Friday was fairly uneventful with me mainly working on the Rukwangali textbook and hanging out at my house. I had tried to meet with Lyambezi all week and today I snagged him for a few minutes. JUST a few, because he was on his way out of town AGAIN. He is SO not into being here. I got a call from Risto that he was coming on Sunday so I should make preparations for the workshop to begin on Monday. NO! I told him. Until I see his face in Mpungu, I’m not doing ANYTHING.
I got up this morning, hung out at the house, did laundry, watched some movies, etc. Pretty boring actually. I decided to walk to the school and check with the principal if the room was still available for the workshop - he was not around. I stopped by and chatted with the pastor to let him know what was up. He seem equally as irritated with Risto. He also gave me a little incite into the ELCIN problem with the garden. Seems they want to do their OWN garden not because of anything I’ve done but because of the lack of motivation on the part of the other participants. The pastor basically said ‘when you leave, the garden will end - no one will keep it going’. That’s fairly disheartening to hear. We hope as volunteers that what we do will be sustainable and continue on after we are gone..to hear that people within the community you are here to help know or feel it won’t even befor eit’s planted, well that’s sad.
I joined the PC because I wanted to make a difference. Because I wanted to do something on a global scale. What if I spend 2 years of my life here and nothing changes? What if after I leave, nothing continues? Is it worth my time being here for the 1 or 3 people I may affect on an individual basis? I need to believe in that, otherwise I could easily return home and continue on with my life there - doing volunteer work and seeing things accomplished. I am now faced with a different sort of decision. All along it’s been about me being comfortable here and if I discovered by July 9th that I was still miserable, to pack it up and head home. Now it’s more about whether I think anything can actually be done here. I’m keeping the faith and hoping I can motivate people in the right way.
Sunday, May 25 - Tuesday, May 27:
This morning Lyambezi decided that it was a good thing that he and I attend the church to help with the announcement of the home-based health care workshop. I told him I did not want to go, that I was not a church going kind of guy, but he said it would look better to the community if I was present - so I went. I ended up being the one who made the announcement with him translating. The remainder of the day was spent figuring out the ‘cow’ situation. It kept getting more and more complicated. They finally figured out a solution, but I have to say, I felt that the counselor - Livimba - did not make himself look good in the process.
I’ve been hearing things about him via different people but not knowing the culture that well and still trying to integrate into my community, I haven’t wanted to believe things. With everything that has happened in the past few days with the meat and the rumors and stuff, I had a long talk with Lyambezi. I think he’s pretty much decided to let the counselor go and find someone new. I have to say I agree with the decision. If the ONE person the community is supposed to trust for HIV testing is talking about people’s status and saying things behind people’s backs, it’s just not productive.
By the way, this was the first weekend I spent at my site by myself that I did NOT experience a GB Sunday! Does that mean I’m settling? Does it mean I am content?
Monday I got up early to head up to the school with the group to start the registration process and first day of the workshop. I went to get the key to conference room from the principal - whom I had just spoken to on Sunday to confirm that the room was still available. He wasn’t home. Neither was is secretary. So I talked to the inspector and he informed me that I did not have a right to use that room. That the principal did not have the authority to give me that room AND he, regardless of the predicament it caused me with the workshop beginning today, would not LET us use it. In the short amount of time I have been in the country, I have noticed one thing for sure. Everyone likes their little bit of control and NO one is flexible. PC teaches us volunteers to BE FLEXIBLE! BE FLEXIBLE! It’s like the PC National anthem or something and yet it doesn’t seem to apply to the locals that we are here to help.
So we ended up doing registration at the clinic, outside and I texted Christine to see if we could access the TRC. She said fine and so we were set. I worked in my office the rest of the day and crashed around 8:30. I’ve been going to bed earlier and earlier lately.
Tuesday, we got to the TRC to discover there was not enough chairs and the space did not have a toilet AND those attending the workshop would have to walk 20 minutes down to the clinic for lunch and then back because we couldn’t cook at the TRC. So of course, those attending were complaining about it. This kind of stuff irritates me. What would you be doing if you were not attending the workshop? Nothing. And yet the fact that you have to walk for your free food…okay, I’ll stop.
I was able to talk to the pastor of ELCIN later that day and before I even asked him, he offered up the church. Thank God! It was nice to have someone just be in the moment and offer assistance without any strings. I plan on giving him some of my own money for the offering when the workshop is over as a thank you.
I was going watch a movie with the UMYA staff but once again fell asleep around 9. I was pleasantly awakened by a phone call from Mark. It’s always great to hear from him. This call felt different though…I’m not sure exactly how or if I can put my finger on it, but there was a distance (not the physical distance) in our conversation. I don’t know what it means. Guess I’ll figure it out eventually.
Wednesday, May 28 - Sunday, June 1:
I discovered that people attending the workshop were complaining about the food. It either wasn’t what they wanted to eat or it wasn’t enough. It totally pissed me off. I mean, these people are supposed to be attending because they want to do home-based health care, NOT because they are being fed. I realize it’s a survival thing with them, but it’s still an irritation with me.
Thursday I had planned on heading to Sarah’s in the afternoon, but ended up catching a free ride around 10 am, so I hung out with her that day. It was taco night at SNL’s so dinner was awesome. We got up early Friday to head to Rundu with Suvi (a missionary from Finland who now lives in Nkurenkuru with her husband and two small children). I had a lot to accomplish while there and a short amount of time to do it.
I waited for 90 minutes at the bank to replace my BOB card, discovered the RISE program through the Ministry of Agriculture no longer existed, got some quotes for my AFHS corner at the clinic, picked up my stuff at the TRC, printed some pics, had lunch, bought a plant at the Ministry of Forestry, and bought groceries. The 6 hours I was there went by very fast. We returned to Sarah’s and watched some Six Feet Under.
Saturday was a lazy day. I ran to pep for a lentil strainer and the hardware store for a pipe wrench to fix my bathroom sink. Watched some movies, read and then headed to SNL’s for dinner and Pictionary. It was quite a fun evening with me being introduced to a drink that contains gin and lemon juice and some carbonated beverage. Needless to say, I was feeling good. A heated discussion ensued over the power of words. I fell asleep on the floor while they argued about the ‘N’ word and whether or not it is a bad word on it’s own or if it depends on the intention of the user. I don’t think they found common ground.
Today I was a serious couch potato. I read a lot, watched movies and then finally called my super for a ride back to site. All I wanted to do was unpack, pick up Efuta and cook dinner. The UMYA gang really wants to watch a movie, so I guess I’m gonna do that and be a little social.
I had stuck around Mpungu instead of heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday because everyone in English club said they didn’t want to go so long without class. They did decide to move class to 9, instead of 11 so I could get out a little earlier. Well, only 1 person showed up at 9. I was kinda pissed, but then again, that’s Namibia. I went ahead and taught the class because the one student had walked 10k to be there. I then grabbed my stuff, headed to the hike point, and made my way to Sarah’s.
Coleen and Juice were there, so it was good to hang with them a bit, and then Sarah and I headed to Rundu. We were surprised to find some of the Caprivi kids there as well. We hung out that night, had a great dinner which included banana’s Foster, lol, and played poker - which I am NOT good at. Friday morning Sarah and I started hiking which included me witnessing a stray dog getting hit and thrown by a car. It was gross, laying there with it’s tail still wagging. Then I got to see some locals remove it from the highway and haul it off to their hut - I won’t guess as to what they were going to do with it. Affter about 10 hours - ALL FREE mind you - we arrived in Windhoek. The hike there included a ride with two Namibian teacher’s in their soccer van, a short stint in a semi-truck, a ride with an Afrikaaner with Zebra steaks in a cooler in the back seat, then a ride with a Ministry of Health worker.
We arrived and checked into the Cardboard Box, a backpacker’s hostel. I have never stayed in a hostel and now I’m a huge fan! It was only N$75 a night which included breakfast. We caught up with Izziza, Amanda and Mariko (a Kenyan volunteer who transferred here when all of them were evacuated) and went out to dinner at Taal, the Indian place. Saturday, was spent hangin’ out in the city with people slowly arriving. We spent time at the mall - I was getting quotes for my theater project. We found out there was a reggae concert at the Warehouse, so tickets were purchased. Then it was back to the hostel as more 27ers arrived and ‘catching up’ ensued. A handful of us headed to an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, only to find it closed. We then had Italian at Sardinia’s. It was by far, the best pizza I have had in the country - then it was off to the concert.
The music was amazing (and loud) and of course the club was very smoky - all kinds of smoky. My eyes were aching by midnight and I was ready to go. Some of us headed back, while others hung out till very late. I’m WAY too old to stay out THAT late. On Sunday, we slept in a bit, had breakfast, then while the girls took Izziza to the airport, Mariko and I headed into town for more quotes and some tahini.
Afterwards, we picked up all our clothes (after having washed then in a REAL coin operated washing machine) and got a cab to the PC office. SCORE! Most of the 27ers had shown up and it was great seeing them all again. We were then shuffled to Greiter’s, this amazing lodge on a hill outside the city that has the most beautiful views of the mountains. The air and silence is wonderful. We had dinner and then I crashed around 9.
Today is the first day of training which is good and bad. Long days, but useful information. More catching up. I got my 2nd Hep A shot and was supposed to get a flu shot but got out of it. I never get sick - like that kind of sick - and I don’t want a shot of something that could make me feel bad. The day is almost over and I want to chill out and watch the sky. I also did yoga this morning as the sun came up over the mountain top - fantastic!
Tuesday, May 6:
Last night we did an exercise were many different feeling statements - ie. not sure, disillusioned, life is great, etc. - were placed around the room and we had to stand by how we felt after 4 months at site. I stood directly between ‘not sure’ and ‘counting the days’. My reasoning is all the things I’ve already talked about but it was nice to share those thoughts with other people feeling the same way. After sharing with other PCVS, the one common link was the realization that Peace Corps is a job. Yes, we don’t get paid a lot and it’s not as structured as a stateside job (except for education volunteers) but basically at this point we’re all settled down into a routine. The only difference is that we are in another country. So a lot of people who are disillusioned and thinking about going home, feel like they could be doing what they are doing here - BACK in the states.
See, on the surface, and what you see in the ads for PC or what promoters of PC say - is only about 15-20% of what life is actually like. They never mentioned the arbitrary times or how you become so habituated to the things that thrilled you upon arrival. Through all of this can come a sense of boredom - even though you are in such an amazing place. It’s this reality that makes most people want to return to the states. It’s just been nice to hear everyone’s story and discover we are all in similar places.
The health people also went on a tour of a local hydrophonic garden which was great, but would be virtually impossible t reproduce in my village. We also toured a local hangout of a youth group where the kids were amazing! It makes me very excited to get back and work with the OVCs. Oh and as I was eating a piece of candy, I lost a crown on a tooth. Great! This better not mess me up for going to Swakopmund next weekend, that’s all I’m saying.
Wednesday, May 7:
Okay, so I am back to the ‘not enjoying this’ part of training. So much of what they are telling us we have either already figured out on our own or should have known before we left for site. I came to reconnect hoping it would be all about where to get money and for what. NO! I’ve received very little information about that and with limited internet at my site, it’s just going to make things take that much longer.
On top of that, we’ve started learning about project development and evaluation. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. At site I was just beginning to feel like I was finding my way…now I am back to ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’. There are all these steps and procedures that need to be performed in order to accomplish something and have it be sustainable. I believe at site I have skipped a lot of steps in order to ‘feel ‘like I was doing something. I realize that’s my issue. I am impatient. I am used to just ‘doing’ and not ‘planning’. It’s what I loved about volunteering at Caracole. They pretty much let me do what I wanted - within reason. No meetings to go through - no red tape.
I’m going to have to go back to my site and digress just a bit. Have some meetings and get a few more people on board with my projects. I am SO glad I am on vacation next week!
Thursday, May 8 - Sunday, May 11:
I think I wrote last on Wednesday or was it Tuesday? Anyways, it’s now Sunday - Mother’s Day - so I’ll try and catch everyone up. Wednesday is escaping me, so I’ll start with Thursday.
We had 2 different guest speakers. One was a guy who preaches abstinence across Namibia and doesn’t believe in promoting condom use. I thought I was going to dislike him but he made me see a different side of the HIV fight. I disagreed with his philosophy and approach in regards to women, but the info about how condom promotion isn’t working that well, made sense. I’m still gonna offer condoms to young people, but there are other alternatives as well.
We then heard from an American who talked to us about proposal writing. He was loud, egotistical and a showoff and though I partly agree that we should try and get money for projects from wherever we can, he ended up being poorly received. Most PCVs did not like him at all. It definitely made me look at getting money differently. A part f me wants to find money wherever I can to accomplish the projects I’m doing, but I also have to learn how to make things sustainable.
All that said - I AM IN SWAKOP NOW NOW!!! This place is amazing! It’s cold and foggy and the water is great and there are paved roads and tons of stores and houses along the beach and pizza shops…OMG! I’m on a real vacation. It’s fantastic the amount of diversity in culture, people, topography, etc. that exists in this country. It’s equally as strange to know that here there is all this money and million dollar homes and back in my village there are people not eating. How do I justify or balance this in my head? How do I allow myself to enjoy thai food tomorrow for dinner knowing the people who are becoming my friends in Mpungu will never enjoy a meal like that? I still don’t know how to do this.
Monday, May 12 (9:00 am on the beach):
How is it that I have never lived by the ocean? It calms and centers me like nothing else. Is it that powerful for everyone? I wonder. I think about the people in my village who have never seen the ocean - not even a picture of it. What would their experience be like the first time they stepped foot in the wet sand? To go a level deeper - why is it that I get to have this experience and so many other’s don’t? What in the universe lined up allowing me to have the life I do when I know people who are living in stick huts with no water or food? Is that fair? Is it karma? Is it luck of the draw? It makes me question the existence of God. Not in the sense that there isn’t a source of love and light existing outside our realm of consciousness, but more so the ‘idea’ of God that most people cling to and many religions idolize. If there was actually a man - a white, English speaking man, lol - sitting in some far away heaven watching every little thing that goes on here - every second of every day - how would or could he live with himself - witnessing all that goes on? Does he have a mind and consciousness that sees a bigger picture that I am incapable of comprehending? Or is the idea of God as a ‘being’ a fallacy created by man for a system of control? Sitting here watching the pounding surf I have no doubt of a presence…of an energy all around me. But to believe that an individual sits ruler over all I see just seems ridiculous and on that note…wouldn’t God, if in reality was some type of supernatural entity, be bored as hell?
Tuesday, May 13 - Thursday, May 15:
What an insane past 3 days. We got up early Tuesday morning to hike to Walvis Bay to go kayaking. It was fantastic! So many seals that would come right up to the kayaks and play with our oars. They were so cute. I saw a lot of dolphins but they weren’t being as playful so they kept their distance. Our guide was super cool and also fed us lunch. Afterwards, Sarah and I wandered around the twon a bit then caught a hike back to Swakopmund. We separated to do our own thing a bit and I lost my ATM card in a BOB machine. I must have transposed some numbers entering my password and when you do that more than 3 times, the machine keeps it. So I went to the FNB where a somewhat cute Afrikaaner guy who used to play rugby for South Africa but is now in a wheelchair due to a quad bike accident, tried to help me. Alas, since I did not have my passport, he could not. Also, my debit card from the states wasn’t working, so if Sarah wasn’t with me, I could have been a little freaked out about how I was going to make it back to site.
I was gonna go to the movies but got a call from Dave which was great cause I hadn’t talked to him in awhile. We then were going to have dinner with Obie and is wife but they were busy. So w went to a bar called FAGINS (NOT a gay bar, lol), then headed home.
Wednesday we got up early and headed to the outskirts of town to hike to Henti’s Bay. We were far away from people so I took a naked hiking picture. I think we are going to make a calendar of them. We made it to Henti’s which is a small fishing town and had lunch. The beach and surf were beautiful. We then got a hike to the road to take us to Uis - pronounced Weec. The place where the truck dropped us was literally in the middle of nowhere and what do you do in the middle of nowhere? Take more naked pics of course! After about 45 minutes we caught a hike with a safari group of French tourists going to see the ‘white lady’ (we’re still not sure exactly what that is). We made it to Uis which looks like a town out of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’. Seriously! After getting something to drink and eat and convincing a drunk man that my tattoos did NOT mean I like hanging out with people who do drugs, we caught a hike to Khorixas. The landscaping was breathtaking and we saw a group of ostriches.
We met up with Jill and Jessica, played Boggle, ate lentil burgers, then crashed. This morning we headed out to the hike point early and had just bargained with a taxi to get us to Outjo for 40 each when we caught a free hike with an English couple. There were fun to talk to. In Outjo we got some bread at a little German bakery that has the ‘poshest’ bathrooms in the entire country. We caught a ride to Otjiworongo - yes, another free one - and then sat in the hot sun there for about 90 minutes before catching a lift to Otavi. There, we caught a ride with a guy from Hamburg, Germany who lives here now and is actually the creator/distributor of MOSSI mosquito nets. He was a pretty funny guy. He took us as far as Groot. We had planned on crashing there for the night, but quickly caught a ride to Rundu with some PEPFAR Government officials. We’ve pretty much travelled over 1500k in the last 2 weeks and it’s only cost us about N$100 each (that’s 10 bucks US). How is it I never hitchhiked in the states???? I’m glad to be back in the north and to have a nice mattress to sleep on! I’ll be home by Saturday since SNL are having a braai tomorrow night. Whew! Long few weeks!
Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18:
Got up early, walked to the TRC to get my yarn and ‘seeds’ from Thea, came back and got Sarah and headed to Red Cross, had a meeting, went grocery shopping and then hooked us a ride. The ride was typical Namibian style. 11 people packed into a combi with all their shit and of course the guy lied to us. We asked if he was leaving right then and he said yes, but that translated into us waiting in the van until it filled up completely which was about an hour later. The problem is that if you change your mind, get tired of waiting, it’s almost too late because your stuff is loaded on the roof with everyone else’s and disembarking only means those people have to wait that much longer.
We arrived - covered in dush - at Sarah’s place and chilled the rest of the day. I had 5 packages waiting at the post. 5! Everytime I have a package it feels like Christmas - SERIOUSLY! - so you can imagine what 5 felt like. I got something from Mark, my cousin Mia, my friends at Caracole, Russ and a guy I don’t even know - just chatted with briefly online one day. They were ALL amazing and Bob and the Caracole crew outdid themselves with over 75 movies! I introduced Sarah to ‘Dead Like Me’ but it didn’t catch, so we watched ‘Boy’s on the Side’ and crashed.
Saturday we slept in, watched some ‘Six Feet Under’, took an hours walk by the river, had some lunch, I did some laundry and then headed to SNL’s for the braai. It was for Alex’s girlfriend who was visiting from the states and most of the Kavango 26ers were there - including many VSOs - including the one who picked us up in Windhoek when we were looking for the gay bar that one night. This country is SO small. The night was great and turned into a dance party with music by a dj called ‘girl talk’. Sarah and I left around 10:30 and crashed watching some movies. Today I will head back to site. I am excited to be returning home and to see Efuta. I am recharged from the past 2 weeks and want to hit the ground running. Or at least at something slightly faster than a leisurely pace.
Monday, May 19 - Tuesday, May 20:
I arrived in on Sunday afternoon, with all my shit and unpacked. It was great to see Efuta - he got so big in just 2 weeks! Monday I spent in my office, sending some emails, starting some proposals and basically getting ultra-organized. I wanted to meet with Lyambezi but he was busy the whole day. I worked up until 4 then headed home to hang.
Today I put some time in on the demolition, sat in on a staff meeting (where I had a lot of points to bring up and they were well received), then worked from my house the rest of the day. Lyambezi still could not meet with me today and left for a funeral - he won’t be back until Monday. I have SO much I need to talk to him about and he seems to be avoiding me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he is always telling me of a position he has applied for in another town - usually Rundu. I have this feeling is going to be leaving soon and I’m not sure where that puts me in regards to PC. I don’t know if I HAVE to have a supervisor or not. I’d rather not. I can run things by other people, including members of the VDC and the headman. I just hope he gets me a stove before he leaves! Tonight I’m going to do yoga, hang with Karel and watch a movie and then read a bit.
Wednesday, May 21 - Thursday, May 22:
Wednesday I had decided to have an initial meeting with the OVCs to get the ball rolling on an after school program. When I had had my first meeting the week before I headed to reconnect, 12 children showed up. I was thinking there would be a few more but not much. Well…227 showed up! I was NOT expecting that. They ranged in age from 7-23. I should have told Fanual to have a cut off age around 17-18 when he made the announcement - that was my mistake.
So it took about 90 minutes to take everyone’s information and there was really no reason to have a meeting with that many kids. I introduced myself to them and what I had in mind but told them I would have to set an age limit and then probably split the remainder into 2 groups that meet on different days. On the spot, I decided that I could have an application process for assistants from the older ones to help me with the 2 groups - so they don’t all feel left out in some way.
Afterwards, I had a talk with Fanuel about how things are going. He informed me that ELCIN - which is the home based health care group - no longer wants to be a part of our garden. This is upsetting to me because the garden was THEIR initial project. I have done my best to make sure they are invited to every meeting and that they were represented on the garden committee. So I don’t know what is going on there and I have to find out. If they pull out, I’m not sure where most of our funding for seeds and such will come from.
Today was going to be English and then a garden committee meeting to discuss the current situation with the garden. Once again, only 1 person showed up for English and only 1 person on the garden committee showed up. I should be used to this by now but the frustration is getting the best of me. There is a part of me that needs to feel like something is DONE or close to being DONE. I don’t have the patience to wait and wait and wait. I realize this is completely my issue but I feel like I’ve been flailing for 5 months now and with nothing concrete for me to work from, I just keep flailing. I know I’ll grow from this and become more patient - it all just adds to my feelings of ‘what the hell am I doing’?. Yes, I’m still wondering that after 5 months!
Friday, May 23 - Saturday, May 24:
Friday was fairly uneventful with me mainly working on the Rukwangali textbook and hanging out at my house. I had tried to meet with Lyambezi all week and today I snagged him for a few minutes. JUST a few, because he was on his way out of town AGAIN. He is SO not into being here. I got a call from Risto that he was coming on Sunday so I should make preparations for the workshop to begin on Monday. NO! I told him. Until I see his face in Mpungu, I’m not doing ANYTHING.
I got up this morning, hung out at the house, did laundry, watched some movies, etc. Pretty boring actually. I decided to walk to the school and check with the principal if the room was still available for the workshop - he was not around. I stopped by and chatted with the pastor to let him know what was up. He seem equally as irritated with Risto. He also gave me a little incite into the ELCIN problem with the garden. Seems they want to do their OWN garden not because of anything I’ve done but because of the lack of motivation on the part of the other participants. The pastor basically said ‘when you leave, the garden will end - no one will keep it going’. That’s fairly disheartening to hear. We hope as volunteers that what we do will be sustainable and continue on after we are gone..to hear that people within the community you are here to help know or feel it won’t even befor eit’s planted, well that’s sad.
I joined the PC because I wanted to make a difference. Because I wanted to do something on a global scale. What if I spend 2 years of my life here and nothing changes? What if after I leave, nothing continues? Is it worth my time being here for the 1 or 3 people I may affect on an individual basis? I need to believe in that, otherwise I could easily return home and continue on with my life there - doing volunteer work and seeing things accomplished. I am now faced with a different sort of decision. All along it’s been about me being comfortable here and if I discovered by July 9th that I was still miserable, to pack it up and head home. Now it’s more about whether I think anything can actually be done here. I’m keeping the faith and hoping I can motivate people in the right way.
Sunday, May 25 - Tuesday, May 27:
This morning Lyambezi decided that it was a good thing that he and I attend the church to help with the announcement of the home-based health care workshop. I told him I did not want to go, that I was not a church going kind of guy, but he said it would look better to the community if I was present - so I went. I ended up being the one who made the announcement with him translating. The remainder of the day was spent figuring out the ‘cow’ situation. It kept getting more and more complicated. They finally figured out a solution, but I have to say, I felt that the counselor - Livimba - did not make himself look good in the process.
I’ve been hearing things about him via different people but not knowing the culture that well and still trying to integrate into my community, I haven’t wanted to believe things. With everything that has happened in the past few days with the meat and the rumors and stuff, I had a long talk with Lyambezi. I think he’s pretty much decided to let the counselor go and find someone new. I have to say I agree with the decision. If the ONE person the community is supposed to trust for HIV testing is talking about people’s status and saying things behind people’s backs, it’s just not productive.
By the way, this was the first weekend I spent at my site by myself that I did NOT experience a GB Sunday! Does that mean I’m settling? Does it mean I am content?
Monday I got up early to head up to the school with the group to start the registration process and first day of the workshop. I went to get the key to conference room from the principal - whom I had just spoken to on Sunday to confirm that the room was still available. He wasn’t home. Neither was is secretary. So I talked to the inspector and he informed me that I did not have a right to use that room. That the principal did not have the authority to give me that room AND he, regardless of the predicament it caused me with the workshop beginning today, would not LET us use it. In the short amount of time I have been in the country, I have noticed one thing for sure. Everyone likes their little bit of control and NO one is flexible. PC teaches us volunteers to BE FLEXIBLE! BE FLEXIBLE! It’s like the PC National anthem or something and yet it doesn’t seem to apply to the locals that we are here to help.
So we ended up doing registration at the clinic, outside and I texted Christine to see if we could access the TRC. She said fine and so we were set. I worked in my office the rest of the day and crashed around 8:30. I’ve been going to bed earlier and earlier lately.
Tuesday, we got to the TRC to discover there was not enough chairs and the space did not have a toilet AND those attending the workshop would have to walk 20 minutes down to the clinic for lunch and then back because we couldn’t cook at the TRC. So of course, those attending were complaining about it. This kind of stuff irritates me. What would you be doing if you were not attending the workshop? Nothing. And yet the fact that you have to walk for your free food…okay, I’ll stop.
I was able to talk to the pastor of ELCIN later that day and before I even asked him, he offered up the church. Thank God! It was nice to have someone just be in the moment and offer assistance without any strings. I plan on giving him some of my own money for the offering when the workshop is over as a thank you.
I was going watch a movie with the UMYA staff but once again fell asleep around 9. I was pleasantly awakened by a phone call from Mark. It’s always great to hear from him. This call felt different though…I’m not sure exactly how or if I can put my finger on it, but there was a distance (not the physical distance) in our conversation. I don’t know what it means. Guess I’ll figure it out eventually.
Wednesday, May 28 - Sunday, June 1:
I discovered that people attending the workshop were complaining about the food. It either wasn’t what they wanted to eat or it wasn’t enough. It totally pissed me off. I mean, these people are supposed to be attending because they want to do home-based health care, NOT because they are being fed. I realize it’s a survival thing with them, but it’s still an irritation with me.
Thursday I had planned on heading to Sarah’s in the afternoon, but ended up catching a free ride around 10 am, so I hung out with her that day. It was taco night at SNL’s so dinner was awesome. We got up early Friday to head to Rundu with Suvi (a missionary from Finland who now lives in Nkurenkuru with her husband and two small children). I had a lot to accomplish while there and a short amount of time to do it.
I waited for 90 minutes at the bank to replace my BOB card, discovered the RISE program through the Ministry of Agriculture no longer existed, got some quotes for my AFHS corner at the clinic, picked up my stuff at the TRC, printed some pics, had lunch, bought a plant at the Ministry of Forestry, and bought groceries. The 6 hours I was there went by very fast. We returned to Sarah’s and watched some Six Feet Under.
Saturday was a lazy day. I ran to pep for a lentil strainer and the hardware store for a pipe wrench to fix my bathroom sink. Watched some movies, read and then headed to SNL’s for dinner and Pictionary. It was quite a fun evening with me being introduced to a drink that contains gin and lemon juice and some carbonated beverage. Needless to say, I was feeling good. A heated discussion ensued over the power of words. I fell asleep on the floor while they argued about the ‘N’ word and whether or not it is a bad word on it’s own or if it depends on the intention of the user. I don’t think they found common ground.
Today I was a serious couch potato. I read a lot, watched movies and then finally called my super for a ride back to site. All I wanted to do was unpack, pick up Efuta and cook dinner. The UMYA gang really wants to watch a movie, so I guess I’m gonna do that and be a little social.
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