July Came and Went...

Tuesday, July 1 - Tuesday, July 8:

Last week I had hoped would be the first week back on track with everything. When I say everything, I mean continual work on all the projects - garden, building, etc. The Thursday before at the meeting that only a few showed up to, they gave me all the days and times for when they would be around for work. Wednesday, we were supposed to start working on the garden again. Wednesday came and no one showed up. I did what I always do and went up to the garden and put in some time. Still…no one else showed up. I made the decision that unless at least one other person shows, I am not going to work in the garden alone. The garden is supposed to be for them…they need to take some ownership.
Thursday morning came and went without anyone showing up for the project meeting and then only 3 showed up to English. Few showing up for that doesn’t bother me all that much because teaching English isn’t a priority like the other things. After English and some lunch and then Lyambezi wanting to use my computer to write an accident report, I headed to the hike point to make it to Nkurenkuru. I waited about 3 hours and just (of course) when I had given up and was going to head home, my ride came. This time, with an Evangelical pastor who proceeded to try and ‘save’ me for the next hour.
At Sarah’s I had a package waiting from Craig. Craig is someone I don’t know at all. We just ran into each other online and he was kind enough to send me some stuff. He had no idea Dove chocolates are my favorite in the world - and they made it here without melting!
Friday morning I waited for Janne (Suvi’s husband) to pick me up around 7:30 and we headed to Rundu. We had a great conversation about Namibia on the way there. He dropped me off at the TRC. I ran into Justin and we caught up a bit, then I headed into town to run a bunch of errands. I met Juice at the carwash for lunch then as I was heading back to the TRC to see Mary, I got a text from my hetero life partner Kennedy (in Caprivi). Come to find out he was in Rundu for the big party! I grabbed a taxi and headed to Patrick’s to see him. He’s my bud, what can I say. He and I and Thea headed into town to get them something to eat. We ended up going to the Omashari for pizza - okay, twice in a 2 week period, I know I’m really splurging. We returned to Patrick’s and crashed. While we were there, most of the 26ers were at Maggie’s. That night, Alex got burned accidentally by a firecracker and the next day he was flown to Windhoek. He’s freaked out that he might be sent home because of the incident.
Saturday I found out Rachel we in town. She had caught the best hike ever. She flew in with Gaspar (the American Embassy guy) in his private plane. Talk about luck. She was meeting Ash and Juice at the Omashari for pizza but since I had just partaken the night before, I passed on lunch but stopped to say hi. Come to find out, she might be transferred to Rundu because she was attached in her flat at her site. She’s okay and nothing too horrible happened, but she’s on PEP and Hannah B. wants her out of her current place as soon as possible. I’m excited about the possibility of her coming up north, but feel badly about the circumstances.
We then went shopping for stuff to braii at the Bavaria later, headed back to Patrick’s to catch an episode of Lost Season 4. Yes, I FINALLY got it! Around 4:30 we all headed to the lodge and the festivities. It was fantastic. Many 26ers I hadn’t seen since shadowing and initial site visit. It was GREAT catching up with Mary from Andara. The entire evening was great. Everyone chilling out, yeah, there was some alcohol involved, but no one got crazy. I discovered I enjoy Absolut Kurrant with 7-Up - my drink of choice keeps changing. Jeff and I headed back to papa bear’s around 10:30 and went right to bed.
Sunday I was waiting on SNL to text me so we could all hike back together. I went and got some groceries and met them at Engin. While we were waiting on our combi to leave, I ran into Lyambezi. That man is very funny and I’m going to have to talk to him. He KNEW I was in Rundu and would be needing a ride back. What is so hard about sending me a text and telling me when he is heading to Mpungu. This happens quite a lot. He did say if I couldn’t get out of Nkurenkuru that I could catch a ride with him.
When I got to Sarah’s, I decided to do just that. So I texted him and waited. Waiting long enough that I was there when Sarah got home!!! YEAH!!! It’s hard to believe it’s been a month! We caught up a bit, but Michael from BEN Bikes was with her and his assistant (they came up for a meeting the next day). Lyambezi never called so I just slept there. Monday, I waited 3 hours for a hike back to the village and took it easy. I unpacked, caught up on some stuff here, hung with Efuta, then watched back to back episodes of Lost until I fell asleep. I had promised myself I was going to only watch one a week and stretch it out…so much for that.
Today, I worked ALL day in the pharmacy. Organizing and labeling. I also told Lyambezi that I wanted to work as the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This will give me something to do AND help out the nursing staff. I have a feeling in the next month all the down time I’ve been complaining about having is going to come to a screeching halt and you will begin to hear me complain about having NO time to myself, lol. If it isn’t one extreme it’s the other.

Wednesday, July 9 - Thursday, July 10:

A few of the women from the support group showed up so we worked in the garden for a bit. Digging up tree roots is NOT easy, lol. I have the blisters to prove it. We worked for about 2 hours then I came back and just chilled a bit before lunch. I then prepared for English, cooked dinner and watched some Scrubs. Today, no one showed up for the 9 am meeting (I’m not surprised by things like this any more yet still annoyed). English club went really well and was fun. I then met with the 4 learners who are going to help me with the OVC project to discuss some ideas and make plans for the first meeting. We scheduled it for the first week of the 2nd term. I’m looking very forward to it.
I just returned from the VSOs for dinner which was nice. Dinah gave me a large bottle of Amarula which is similar to Bailey’s Irish Cream. Now, if I only had some eggnog, lol. Tomorrow I am headed to Nkurenkuru for the weekend to hang with Sarah. We have a LOT to catch up with!

Friday, July 11 - Sunday, July 13:

I waited for people to show up to work on the building to no avail, so I called it quits, worked on some things at the house and headed to Rundu. Fortunately there was a car at the clinic heading that way so I didn’t have to hike. Sarah and Lindsey were at her school working on preparations for Saturday’s Talent Show for her AIDS club. I met them there, then Sarah and headed to her house. The rest of the day was low key and we made chili for dinner. We stayed up late watching LOST - too late, and then crashed.
Saturday I ran to the post to find 2 packages waiting for me - thanks again Patti and mom! A little after noon we headed to the school with the supplies. Some of the boys were setting up the tent already. Why they needed a tent I’m not sure. I played with some younger kids who were just hanging around. About 5 I headed back to Sarah’s because I needed to go grocery shopping before the store closed. Also, Stephanie and her boyfriend had stopped by for the day so we hung out a bit. I shopped, waited for Lindsey to shower, then we headed back to the school.
The show was supposed to start around 5, but didn’t get going until around 7:30. Sarah and I were in charge of the door. Selling tickets and letting people in. It was fun but a lot of work. People claiming they had paid for tickets but didn’t have it on them. Older, drunk guys wanting to force their way in because of who they were. I was in charge of trying to keep the event alcohol free. I turned many a drunk man away, lol. The power was nice…I felt like Vin Diesel (he used to be a bouncer before he was an actor ya know!). After a few hours, we wanted to see some of the show and so at that point, we dis-manned the doors and forced our way to the front of the crowd. They were in the dance portion of the show. It was AMAZING! These kids could KRUMP like nobody’s business. On top of that, they were doing it on a stage made from the desks of the library, lol. Many were not wearing shoes or were wearing badly worn flip flops. This did NOT deter them one bit. It’s amazing what people will accept as just part of their lives and work with it. While in the states, we tend to bitch and moan about the silliest shit.
This morning I left around 11, waited a few hours or a ride, snagged a free one, got back here, now I am settling back in. I’m gonna practice the guitar here in a bit then read.

Monday, July 14 - Thursday, July 17:

If I don’t write in this thing every day, the time tends to get blurred and I forget what has occurred. Monday I worked in the pharmacy all day. I have taken on the task of being the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This helps the clinic staff out and gives me a day of having something concrete to do. I spent the day alphabetizing and labeling the medicine and supplies. I will actually be dispensing medication for patients starting next week.
Tuesday I continued to work in the pharmacy to finish up the organization and that took all day. Wednesday, 3 people showed up to work in the garden so we cranked out a few hours. That afternoon, I checked email to discover that one of the NGOs I submitted the proposal for the garden to, is not going to be able to help me. It’s also not going to be able to help me with 3 of the other ones I submitted. That was a big let down. Ya see, with it going on 6 months that I’ve been at site…I really need to feel like or see something accomplished. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m doing some good here when I don’t see anything directly. I know that’s the ‘immediate gratification’ need within myself…but honestly, it’s hard to be here day after day, working towards things that seem to get farther and farther away.
How does one keep the faith when there doesn’t seem to be evidence of anything? It’s very frustrating and ends up circling back to my insecurities about being here in the first place. I talked with Sarah about it - who is amazing at all this community work because she’s had MUCH more experience in it. She seemed to think that I haven’t really laid the ground work for getting the people who I need to be involved in the projects…INVOLVED. I feel like I have done my best but I also know that my shy side has kept me from spending time just talking with people. When I hold meetings - the ones where people actually attend - I usually take control of them in order for there to be organization. I think this is one of the first problems. I should let the meetings run themselves and not try to control them. Maybe it IS my fault that things are going as well as I’d hoped. Now the question arises…do I have time to ‘start over’? And do I really need to start completely over or just find some common ground.
I realize that I came into the Peace Corps just wanting to go to another country and ‘work’. To do some good and make a difference. PC doesn’t really work that way though. You have to do ‘community development’ and that involves working with what? The community. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit around and wait for them to come to me and to spend 5 hours in a meeting and have nothing accomplished. The problem with my lack of patience and desire to get a lot accomplished though, clashes with this particular culture.
Is this entire experience about me learning to slow down and see the bigger picture? I do know on some level that months from now…even a year from now…I will look back and see that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess there is just a part of me that wants to see results cause I want the people I am working with to see that I’m actually doing something. But when you filter that down…it’s about ME needing to see that I am doing something here. Is that a bad thing though? If I was working at a job in the states and not accomplishing anything and not finding passion in it…wouldn’t I quit? Why would anyone stay in that place. This is a slightly different situation, so I guess I need to step back and re-evaluate once again.
I have also discovered that I compare my resources to those of others…especially Sarah. It’s the simple things like a fax machine, printer, copier, etc. I don’t have immediate access to those and I sometimes blame that for why I am not more productive. That’s a lousy excuse. THAT filters down to me playing the victim role which I do from time to time.
During all of this emotional shit…my sister called Tuesday night, very upset, to tell me that my dad was having an outpatient procedure done on Thursday morning to see if there is a blockage in his heart. I felt bad that she was so distraught and that I wasn’t there to do anything. I comforted her the best I could. She tends to worry about things much more than I do…she definitely gets that from mom.
I talked to my dad today (Thursday) after the procedure and he was fine and they didn’t find any blockages. Now he will go on medication for about 6 months and he should be fine. One of my biggest fears about being in Africa has nothing to do with ME being in Africa. It’s that something will happen to one of my ‘rents while I am here. I try not to think about it, but it creeps up from time to time - ESPECIALLY when I get news like this. I wanted to grow didn’t I?
Today I got up early to hike to Nkurenkuru for a CACOC meeting. I waited about an hour before landing a ride. I then was in his vehicle for about an hour while he drove around picking people up and then back to Mpungu because he forgot someone. He then proceeded to stop in Nepara (1/2 way to Nkurenkuru) and tell me he decided NOT to go there. So here I was, already late and stuck in a place where there is VERY little traffic. I was cursing this country for about 30 minutes, lol. I finally got a ride, got to Sarah’s, to find out they cancelled the meeting THIS morning! F’N FRUSTRATING!
Sarah and I caught up, ran some errands, walked to the fish farm for some onions and carrots, cooked lunch, played some Phase 10,checked the post, watched some Scrubs, made Gadi-Gadi for dinner and now she’s on the phone with her sister. It’s time for bed!

Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20:

It’s a bittersweet irony that the person I’m closest to in the PC (emotionally and physically) has so much experience with community development. All of Sarah’s projects and people seem to be going full-strength ahead with lots of motivation while mine have come to a standstill. On one side, for me, I can bounce things off her to figure out what I’m doing wrong. On the other hand, it infuriates my ego to have to lean on her for support. AND the whole comparison thing that I do so well.
I haven’t been sitting on my ass at site but I haven’t been doing things the way should have probably been done in order to keep the motivation going. This is just going to require me to ‘re-focus’ which is a word I keep throwing around. The problem I have with doing that, is that I feel like I am running out of time. It’s funny how when I first got to site and was so freaked out about being in the village that I wanted time to go by quickly. I kept counting down the days til I got to leave site or got to leave the country. Now I fear that I don’t have enough time to complete the projects I’ve started in the next 16 months! It’s already the end of July (practically) and then there’s August which will go by quickly cause I’ve planned a week’s vacation at the end of the month. Then it’s September and I start my OVC program.
ADHD - back to the garden project. Maybe if I have a meeting and the people decide that we don’t need the extensive fence that initially they asked for and the water tank and such. Maybe if we fenced in a smaller portion of the garden area with thornbush, got NamWater to install the pump, that we could round up the money in a smaller proposal for the garden implements and seeds. THAT way we could get planting very soon and then I could try and get money for a fence during the rest of my time here. Maybe there is even a way to build a cheaper fence…one that would keep the animals out and we would have to hope and pray people wouldn’t steal the food. Sarah has had no problem with theft….yet. But in the next few weeks her stuff will be ready to harvest, so we’ll see what happens.
As far as the building goes. I should have a large community meeting and get more people on board with the project. Also, maybe we are shooting too high to get an actual Community Hall type structure built. I mean, Mpungu isn’t even a town yet and it’s years from becoming one. Also, when that happens, the Ministry of Urban Development will come in and build one. I should just focus on getting a structure built that can be utilized sooner than later. One that won’t cost N$150,000. I could probably get built for closer to N$30,000. We don’t need a super nice roof or electricity or anything like that. It just needs to be a structure with a window and a door and something to keep the rain out. We can enclose it completely to keep out ‘skidders’ (mosquitoes - no, it’s not a Rukwangali word, it’s a hillbilly word).
I know things will work out and this is one of those HUGE lessons in me learning to be patient. It’s also teaching me other things about community development that I’ve realized I just don’t have a passion for. Can I do it while I’m here and find some joy in my accomplishments…I believe so. It’s funny, I knew coming into the PC that I would be challenged…how can one not, right? But the things that I’m having the most difficulty with are not things I thought would come up. I’ll say it again…it’s all about growth, right?
So now that I’ve vented about all of that, I’ll fill ya in about the weekend. Friday we hung out, cooked good food, went to the salon (Sarah got buzzed and I got micro-corn rolls - not quite Bo Derek but I think they are pretty sexy, lol), then we played Phase 10 and Pictionary with Ben, Scot, Lindsey and Christine. It was fun. Saturday we went to the Cultural Dancing Contest at Lindsey’s school. THIS was awesome and it made me wish we didn’t see this kind of stuff more often. Kids from various grades competed against one another in traditional clothing and dances that they put together with current messages - like safer sex, etc. The dancing was amazing! As I sat and watched, I realized that this was a part of their culture that is weeding it’s way out. I mean, people don’t do these types of dances for specific reasons anymore. They used to be done in order to have good harvests, get rain to come, bless the birth of a child, etc. Now they are only brought out during events like this or to satisfy the curiosity of tourists. Some PCVs have told me that when tourists travel through their village, the kids are required to leave class and dance for them. The kids are supposed to benefit financially from this but they never see the money. Most principals or higher-ups pocket it for themselves. If they were getting it, I wouldn’t feel quite as bad but it’s kind of gross that these children are forced to ‘dance for the white man for change’. It’s really sickening.
So, with each new generation, these dances and other cultural parts of their history are lost. I wonder how many years it will take before they are completely forgotten. Probably not as long as I would think.
Later that day Sarah and I watched a movie, she made amazing lentil burgers, then we played Monopoly with the gang. I was the first to lose and usually I’m a VERY bad loser…but I handled it with dignity, lol. We came back and watched some Scrubs and fell asleep. I will be heading home after lunch and just chill the rest of the day. Pick up the guitar a bit and possibly do some yoga. I need to find the strength to somewhat ‘start-over’ and see if I can still make some progress with the things I’m doing at site. If I could get past the ‘comparing’ thing and rely strictly on the praise I get from my supervisor and others, I would realize that I’m doing fine as I am. But is it wrong to expect more from yourself and if not, what is the difference or line per se between having high expectations and never feeling like what you are doing is good enough?

Monday, July 21 - Friday, July 25:

Spank me! I’m a bad ‘journal keeper-upper’. As I said last time, I came back to site with a new found focus and mission. I met with Lyambezi to discuss the changes in our initial plan for things and he was on board. So yesterday morning I sat and waited for people to show up for the meeting. A handful actually did, so things were accomplished. They were actually excited about starting the garden at the clinic and understood what was going on with the funding for the larger one. We also got into a discussion about the theater project - with a lot of arguing about who should be the recipients of the income from it - we left it open for much more discussion.
As I knew it would, when I mentioned that the funding for Veronica and Berta’s sewing business had come through and that I was picking up the machines this coming week, people were full of ideas of their own businesses. I just laughed and rolled my eyes - thinking that I’ve only been here 6 months..where were all these ideas before? Lol.
I also met with both principals this week for them to make announcements about the after school OVC program for the beginning of next term. When I was at the primary school, a couple of the teachers (who I guess live very close to me at the clinic) said they wanted to start exercising and wanted some tips from me. I told them to stop by my house any time and I’d show them some things. Well alas, last night when I was right in the middle of making carrot curry for Christine, Dinah and John, they showed up. This is one of the things I find funny about Namibians. Any American would see that they have walked in on me being very busy and getting ready for dinner. It was rather obvious - things on the stove, candles on the table (yes, candles..you can take the gay boy out of the city but that doesn’t mean I can entertain to the best of my ability in the village!)…so they came in and I’m stirring the potatoes and explaining to the what is going on and can I talk to them tomorrow or the week I get back. ‘NO’ would not be accepted, as an answer. They kept insisting on me showing them some things RIGHT THEN so they could start exercising. I turned the food down and showed them how to do crunches, knee to elbow sit-ups and leg lifts for the lower abs. It was just funny.
Dinner ended up being a great success - ya see, it’s the first time I’ve cooked on Thursday night. I have no excuse but fear for why I hadn’t participated yet. Guess I feel I am not a good cook and was worried they would show up for a good meal and be disappointed - they were not! Dinah was going off on how much space I had because her and John’s is so small. Overall, a fantastic night of food and conversation and I’m excited about the next time I get to have them down.
Today I begin my trek to Windhoek for my medical and dental check up. I’m not taking my computer, so journaling will be by hand until I return. I’m going to make it to Rundu today, Okahandja on Sat and then Wind by Sun. It’s funny timing-wise because just this past week I was flossing and had some pain between two back teeth. That was when I noticed that one tooth is loose. I would not want to be here in the village with a serious toothache, so hopefully the dentist can nip this in the bud. Unfortunately that probably means I will have to stay a few extra days. We’ll see.

Saturday, July 26 - Sunday, August 3:

So Friday I got a hike with Dinah and john to rundu. I was planning on staying at Patricks and had ‘booked’ a night with him a week before. He told me he was going to be away but he would tell Molly, the new crisis corp volunteer would be there so no problem. I arrived early, dropped off my bags (she wasn’t around so I hid them) and went to meet Rachel for dinner. She was transferred from her site to our area because she was attacked at hers.
After dinner I started texting molly to find out if she was home before I walked the 30 minutes back to patricks. At 830 when I hadn’t heard, I assumed something was wrong with the phone so I headed there anyways. I arrived to a dark house, knocked, no answer and got in the hammock to chill while I waited for her. I fell asleep and woke up around midnight. Knocked again, still no response. So what is a pc volunteer to do??? Sleep on the ground outside. That’s what I did.
The next morning, I was awakened to the flushing of the toilet INSIDE the house. I knocked and low and behold, Molly answered. She ahd been there the whole night but never heard me knock or speak her name, lol. TIN!
Saturday morning, after waiting 3 hours, I ended up getting a free hike all the way to okahandja to Ruth’s front door. I hung out with her which was awesome. She is our ‘grandmother’ of the group – she is 70. Sunday, I got up to catch a hike to Windhoek. I found one right away but they were going to a house first then would pick me up in town. They drove right by me the bastards and left me hanging – it’s very typical. So I headed to the road and caught a free hike with the regional counselor from Mariental who had just left Swakopmund.
The first thing I did was drop my bag and head to the mall where I walked to the theater and discovered Sex and The City was playing in 10 minutes!!! The movie was cute but a tad over the top. When finished, I began texting some of the gay guys I had met via my blog who had offered me dinner and places to crash. I connected with roelof a 55 year old spanierd who has lived here for 26 years. We had a great dinner and conversation and then I crashed at his place. MISTAKE!!! Lol, he has this old chiming clock that is broken and LOUD and every hour goes off like 15 times!!!! Unfortunately I left my ear plugs at ruths and so I didn’t get much sleep that night.
So on Monday I started catching up with other volunteers as they arrived for their medical. I also had planned on meeting up with Chico, another guy who lives in Windhoek that I had met online. I went to see The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Jeff and Lily and it rocked. It is by far the best thing I’ve seen all year - American standards, not Namibia, lol. Spent some of the day just wandering around and doing a little shopping - I bought a wok! That night I met up with Chico, had a quick bite and then crashed at his place - since I still wasn’t checked into the lodge. I have to say, after 9 months of no sex, it was really nice to lay in bed next to someone. It’s amazing how good that simple gesture feels and how much I have missed it. Course, it made me miss Mark that much more. One of my most favorite things was curling up next to him - especially on a cold winter’s night and falling to sleep with his scent in my face.
Tuesday I hung around the PC office and lounge. I gave Linda a copy of the Rukwangali text book that I’ve been working on and she and Edward were very impressed. It felt good to see all my hard work printed out and in my hand. I still have to get a few copies to Magreth and Anna Marie for some last minute proofing but otherwise, it looks damn good.
Later that day I checked into my room and then a bunch of us went to Jeff’s and ordered Taal and had it delivered. It of course was good, but I think I’m actually preferring Ben’s curry more. Chico was actually going to come over and spend the night with me, but our wires got crossed and it didn’t happen. Just as well.
Wednesday I reported to the med office to start all of that business. They whisked me off to the dentist only to discover my appt. was the next day, so they brought me back. Let me backtrack by saying that I was suppose to meet with the PCMO before my dentist but she moved my appt. til after. So upon returning from the dentist, I had a few hours to kill. I went and purchased the sewing machine for the Veronica and Berta. I then returned to the office only to find they decided to push my appt. til the next day. Such is PC life. BE FLEXIBLE! Lol.
That night, Chico came over and yes, well, um…I had sex. Sex for the first time in 9 months. It was very weird. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. A lot actually. But there was something different about this. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so much in the past 9 months, but…I didn’t enjoy it. It felt vacant and weird. I felt like I was going through motions but not experiencing any sensation. It dawned on me when it was all over that I’ve what was missing was the emotional component. Now…I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of the time I left that part out on purpose. Basically I was just getting off and I always thought that was okay with me. I’ve realized now though that without it, I feel empty. Oddly enough, there was also a little guilt. I kept trying to figure out where that was coming from. I mean, Mark and I are not together. There is no commitment there currently cause frankly, I wouldn’t ask that of him…not with me 9000 miles away. It’s just not fair. But yes, I felt like I had ‘cheated’ on him. In the 5 years that we were together, during the times that we had split up and I was with other guys, I never felt that. This time I did. It was strange.
I’ve struggled my entire adult life with the concept of monogamy. Wondering whether it was something that really worked for me or whether it was some archaic religious concept. I’m starting to believe that maybe I am built that way after all. That I do want to find that one person to connect with. That one person who understands me. Accepts me. Challenges, loves, supports and excites me. Yeah…I think I do want that. I wonder sometimes if that person is Mark. Our relationship was never perfect but it had some really wonderful stuff in it. I know the part I played in not allowing it to be better than it was. In our conversations since I’ve been here, he has shared his feelings about his role in it as well. A huge part of me hopes that when I return to Cincy, we can address the ‘us’ again and see what happens. Is that selfish of me? Or romantic? Lol
Thursday I had all my medical appts. No cavities and the teeth are fine but I kinda have high blood pressure. It’s nothing to be worried about. The doc just wants me to cut out salt from my diet and then retest me in a few months. I never really paid attention to my intake of it. I think I ingest MUCH more than I should be. God I feel old. That night we all went out for all you can eat pizza and then I crashed. Thursday was also my father’s 80th birthday but I was unable to get ahold of him. My uncle Von had to have a triple bypass so my dad had travelled to Kentucky to see him. 80, damn. He’s like the energizer bunny - he just keeps going and going and going. I was able to email him a little birthday video so I hope he got to at least see that.
Friday, after breakfast, I began the daunting task of hiking back to site. I stood on the side of the highway for 3 hours before someone picked me up. They gave me a ride as far as Grootfontein. It was in a BMW so it never dawned on me that I was going to be charged. When he asked for money, I just shrugged, showed him my empty wallet and said I was sorry, lol. I tried for 6 hours to get a hike out of there to get to Rundu and nothing was working out. I then started to get worried wondering where I was going to lay my head that night. The ‘victim’ mentality sprung up and I was cursing PC, lol. I then called Peter, the nephew of my host father when I lived in Groot. He was not home, but called me back to say that he had made arrangements with his neighbor to have them let me in his flat so I could sleep safely tonight AND he had a taxi on their way to pick me up. Damn, the people of this country are amazingly generous! I went into the petrol station to pick up something to eat for dinner and on the way out, ran into someone going to Rundu, so I caught a ride with them. A very COLD ride in the back of a truck. The trade off was that it was a gorgeous night and I got to stare at the stars for a few hours.
I went straight to Patrick’s and crashed.
Yesterday, I waited a good 3 hours before catching a ride to Nkurenkuru. A rough ride at that. The driver was morbidly obese - which, trust me, it’s very difficult to find that in Namibia culture, I mean, hell, most people don’t eat that much. He drank tumbo (the traditional alcohol) the entire drive and stopped so frequently that I felt I could have walked faster. I arrived and it was nice to see Sarah and sort of be back home. Actually, I couldn’t WAIT to get back to my site. My bed, etc. This place really is beginning to feel like home to me. What a change from when I first arrived, eh?
It was Ben’s birthday, so he was cooking curry. Sarah made an amazing chocolate cake and I made pea and potato samosas. So much food went into my belly it was ridiculous. We then played Moosopoly. Not Monopoly. Moosopoly. Scot, Lindsey and Sarah had spent an entire day make a Namibia version of Monopoly on the back of a reg. monopoly board! It was fantastic and included MY HOUSE!!!! It was an awesome night of music, laughter and fellowship.
Today, I began watching the second season of Heroes (I snagged a lot of movies while in Windhoek), and then headed home. God it was good to arrive in Mpungu in one piece. How nice to walk into my house, take a shower, put my stuff away and just sit. I’m home….I’m home.

June, June, June...Carter???

Monday, June 2 - Tuesday, June 3:
The last two days have been fairly uneventful. Going through the normal daily routines. Working part of the day in my office, heading home for lunch, then going back to my office to play hearts - yes, hearts. My new favorite game on the computer. I did go to the school today to make copies of posters for the assistant for the OVC program. As usual I had to butter up the secretary to make the copies and then have a meeting with the principal about hanging the posters. The biggest problem I still have here in the PC is the boredom. It’s the one thing they don’t tell you in the application process, lol. IF YOU ARE A PEACE CORPS. VOLUNTEER YOU WILL HAVE TONS OF DOWNTIME WITH NOTHING TO FILL IT!

Wednesday, June 4 - Sunday, June 8:
This past week has been a blur. Not a blur in the sense that I was busy as hell or anything…no, not that. Just a blur as in it went very fast and there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Most of the people I work with were wrapped up in the UMYA workshop, so things like English club and other meetings were cancelled. I did a little of this and a little of that. I did pass out a few applications for assistants for the OVC program and have gotten some positive applicants. I’m excited about that process.
Sarah arrived Friday evening and we’ve done nothing but chill out and watch movies all weekend. We did go on a minor hike yesterday but that was about it. I’m very slowly getting used to the idea of ‘doing nothing’. It’s a real issue of mine to always feel like I have to be ‘being productive’. I really need to learn to be okay with NOT doing it. I also was able to get my joystick working with my Nintendo program on the computer and have been playing Donkey Kong Country a lot. Oh and we took some more photos for the naked PCV calendar. We added ‘naked cooking’, ‘naked watching movies’ and ‘naked reading in the hammock’ to our collection. I hope one day we end up on Oprah because of this! lol

Monday, June 9 - Wednesday, June 11:
The days are beginning to fold into one another. I have fallen completely into a routine and well, in the states, I hated routines. I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. Also, it seems that both my supervisor AND the community counselor who is my counterpart AND my translator for all my meetings…are both trying to get jobs outside of Mpungu. My supervisor has a good reason. His wife died last September and his house and children are in Rundu. He has been trying to get there since last fall. I have a feeling he will be leaving very soon.
The counselor is leaving, I feel, because he has messed up too many times with confidentiality. There have been a lot of people coming to the clinic complaining about him getting drunk in the shebeens and talking about people’s HIV status. I think I’m mentioned this before. This is a serious problem cause stigma is what I’m trying to eliminate while I’m here. I think we’d be better off without him but if he leaves AND my super leaves…I’m not sure what I’m gonna do as a volunteer. I really rely on the one for translating and the other one to help organize community meetings. I’m not exactly sure what the next few months are going to hold for me here.
Tonight I just finished watching ‘The Kite Runner’ which was a beautiful movie…now of course I want to read the book. It made me miss Naz and Zizi a great deal…Zizi always calls me Chazzy jan. The movie made me cry but then again, I’ve always been a softy for emotional flicks.
I’m still debating on going to Nkurenkuru this weekend. Sarah isn’t there, she has headed to Windhoek for a Diversity meeting and then on the 17th she flies to the states for 10 days. I am so envious of her…it would be great to see my friends again and at the same time, would probably be hard for me to leave and come back here. I continue to have faith that there is a reason I’m here even if it’s just planting seeds. I’m really learning to let go of ‘immediate gratification’ and am trying to continually see the bigger picture. I’ve also gotten pretty good at not comparing myself to others…in the sense of what I’m doing in Mpungu compared to what others are doing elsewhere. Peace Corps. is a cultural exchange and if I make a difference in just one person’s life in the 2 years I’m here…then it was worth the two year commitment. I keep repeating that in my head.

Thursday, June 12 - Sunday, June 15:
Thursday came and went with Friday having me wonder about whether to hike to Nkurenkuru to do some grocery shopping. I finally decided to do just that AND to take Efuta with me. I got to the hike point and there were a handful of other people who had been waiting for about 2 hours. Then school let out and all of a sudden there were - no lie - about 55 people all waiting for rides. It took another 2 hours for me to finally get out of here. I spent the rest of the day chillin out, doing some grocery shopping and then I crashed watching a movie. I thought I was in for the night when Lindsey called to say the kid who had stolen from them before, tried to break in JUST THEN! She wanted me to help them go find him.
So here are 4 white people with sticks, tredging through the bush (the actual bush) with only the moonlight to guide us…trying to find this thief. That excitement aside…for some reason, the moment for Alex and I to bond decided to unfold itself THEN! He and I just haven’t meshed since I arrived in Mpungu and I always thought it was me. Something clicked. I can’t even put my finger on just what it was. But we were talking and sharing and BONDING!! Oh, we didn’t find the kid but it was fun enough to keep Lindsey from heading to his house and burning down his hut. Talk about cultural integration!
Saturday I hung out a bit in the morning and then around noon went over to play Monopoly with the gang. I was actually doing really well when we were asked if we wanted to go to Katitwi - the border town of Angola - about 45 minutes away. Sure, why not. This was 2 pm. We all said we didn’t really want to stay that late and I of course didn’t want to leave Efuta locked in the bathroom that long. So we decided only to hang out a few hours. We left Katitwi at 9:30 pm.
The night was fun, but I had told them earlier that I wasn’t going to drink - that way, if for some reason the actual driver of the vehicle that gave us a ride decided to get wasted, then I could do the ‘illegal for PC but responsible’ thing…and drive us back. Fortunately it didn’t get to that point. Beer was cheap though and they definitely put them away. I danced a bit, shot some pool and people watched. As it was getting late, it was also getting VERY cold. The nights are VERY cold now because of winter. So the ride back was freezing! Where are my mittens when I need them??
I hiked back early today because I wanted to practice the guitar. I had a package waiting for me at Sarah’s that contained a ‘how-to’ book and TONS of yarn from my friend Doug. Thanks man! I practiced for about 90 minutes today and think I am going to LOVE learning to play this instrument. I definitely have the ‘time’ to learn it. I received a call from my friend Joel - always good to hear from him. I made lentil burgers for dinner and gave my dad a call for Father’s Day. It’s been a good week.

Monday, June 16 - Monday, June 23:
Have I mentioned how the days are seeming to roll by more quickly? It’s probably due to the fact that I have settled into a sort of routine. This was to be a short week anyways, cause I was leaving Thursday with the kids from the school for the EWA conference. I worked on a few things in my office, some stuff at the clinic and then stuck around Wednesday evening for John’s B-day dinner.
Thursday the bus left around 8:15 am and after stopping at several schools along the way, finally arrived in Rundu around noon. It was long and dusty but the kids seemed pumped. I think that’s what I miss by not being in a teaching position…being with kids all day. We arrived much earlier than anticipated, so we played games with the kids during the afternoon while waiting on those from the east side. Ashley and Thea from Caprivi and Chris from Divundu came in so it was good to catch up with them.
I spent some time at the PC office to shoot off some emails and do a little research. I also had some mail there and upon reading the current newsletter, discovered the one funding source I was going to use for my theater equipment, has been cancelled for the rest of the year. Now I know I have mentioned how I keep running into walls and am somewhat disillusioned about PC life…but I mean, come on! Why does everything have to be so hard? I knew it wouldn’t be a cake walk when I joined, but hell, I am here to help people…if things were a little less difficult, I could accomplish much more.
The conference technically began on Friday and everything was running fine. Actually, everything ran fine the entire weekend except for a few small glitches here and there - as is the case with most things in this country. I helped out with some sex education stuff and HIV related talks. I realized once again, how much fear I have being in front of people. You would think it wouldn’t be the case with teenagers, but yes, the stage fright is still here. I didn’t speak in front of the large group, instead gave my two cents in smaller groups. That fear is something I definitely have to get over.
Friday night a bunch of us had dinner at Omashari…pizza man, good pizza. Saturday was great. You could see the kids bonding more and really opening up with questions. The students that were chosen to attend the workshop are the brightest kids from the school and that was apparent. They were all well-behaved and eager to learn. For lunch I took Thea to the open market. BAD mistake on my part. I don’t know for sure if it’s what I had to eat or that I just shook too many hands that day and didn’t wash up, but Saturday night I awoke around 11 pm with the WORST case of exploding diarrhea since entering the country. WORSE, mind you, then the episode on Grootfontain during CBT. I also was nauseas that throwing up. To add injury to insult, I wasn’t in my own home and there were 4 of us crashing together. So I was desperately trying to be as quiet as possible. NEVER gonna happen, lol. Every half hour, I was up, with something come out of somewhere.
Sunday I was worn out. Dehydrated. Weak. I was NOT looking forward to a 4 hour bus ride back to site. I drank plenty of water and sprite and tried to keep myself together. By the time we took off around 3, I felt I would make it without any accidents. I was right! I made it back to site around 7, unpacked all the groceries I bought, put away clothes, picked up Efuta, took a shower and settled in for a movie. Speaking of movies…Patrick informed me that this week he will be picking up the 4th season of LOST!!! OMG!!! I can’t wait to surprise Sarah with that. She will be back in 2 weeks, around the time of the 4th of July celebration at the Bavaria. That will be a total blast!


Tuesday, June 24 - Friday, June 27:
Monday was fairly uneventful. I prepared my English lesson for Thursday because Tuesday and Wednesday I was going to be helping the clinic with National Immunization Days. I did email Eyes on Africa Foundation…an organization that is fairly new - I got the info from Justin during EWA. I feel like I keep running into so many brick walls as far as funding for things. I was really hoping this one would pay off.
Tuesday was very busy in the morning. I helped monitor how many kids came for immunization. We saw close to 200 kids in the first few hours. It was sort of funny. No shots were given. The polio vaccine and Vitamin A were given orally. Most of the kids were crying and screaming and the nurse just grabbed the kids head, held it back, forced the mouth open and dropped the medicine in. It was very rough and there was no coddling involved. It made me laugh a little thinking about doctors in the US ga-ga-ing and goo-goo-ing to get the kids to behave.
Wednesday we didn’t see that many kids so I worked on demolition for a bit, then worked from my flat. I checked email and to my surprise, Jeff from EOAF had written me back and very enthusiastically asked me to submit all the proposals I had. I sent him ones for the AFHS corner and the theater equipment. I thought maybe the garden proposal was too much money.
Thursday Jeff wrote back and asked for the garden prop! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will be able to help me with this. I also had scheduled a meeting with all the groups to get the garden clearing back on track and to discuss some other things. It was scheduled for 9, the few that did come, showed up around 10. It’s always the same few, dedicated ones that show up to everything and yet the others who never come, gripe and moan about things not getting done quicker, lol. I held the meeting and it was successful. I’m hoping from this point forward we can be more organized. Dinner with the teachers was good. Now that I feel more bonded with Alex and Christine, it makes hanging out all the better. I realize that they were just as insecure about hanging out with me as I was with them. Once we were past that, it’s smooth sailing.
Today we worked on demolition for a few hours, then I knocked off around 11. I’ve played video games, watched movies, exercised and worked on the Rukwangali dictionary. It’s now about 7 and I’m getting ready to eat and curl up with a movie. I still don’t like feeling lonely…being here in Namibia…in Mpungu all by myself. BUT…I’m working through it.

Saturday, June 28 - Sunday, June 29:
This past weekend has been very lonely. 4 weeks now with Sarah being away. That’s me with nothing to do on the weekends. Do I find myself with things to do? Sure. I can watch movies, read, go for a hike, play hearts on the computer, etc. I just don’t like it. It’s not about NOT being able to handle it. It’s just the fact that I DON’T LIKE IT! It’s not even about having nothing to do but think. I’ve gotten used to ‘thinking’ about things. I feel like that’s all I do and have done.
Next week marks 6 months at site. That’s the amount of time I promised I would give myself to ‘settle’ in. Well…I feel like I’ve ‘settled in’ I just don’t know if I am happy. I realized something else the other day. This one is a little hard to admit. One of the reasons I joined the PC was to be able to say, ‘I spent 2 years in the PC’, so that I could get attention from it. So that people would look at me and think ‘wow, this guy is something…he did the PC’. With that acknowledgement, I began to think of how many things I’ve done or do JUST to get attention. I discovered quite a lot. To the point where I think it’s so ingrained that I wonder how much of myself actually gets out.
I find it interesting that I spend the majority of my life being aloof, so as not to get close to people because I fear what they really might think of me and the other part of my life doing things to get attention from the people that I’m not wanting to get close to. What the F? I mean, seriously. What the F is wrong with me? But more importantly, now that I’ve had this light bulb realization, how do I go about changing it? If I have spent the majority of my life fearing what people think and yet craving attention at the same time…how the hell does one turn that around? How does one become completely comfortable in one’s own skin to where he doesn’t care what people think? If I get to that point - where I don’t care - then I believe I will be happy. Completely happy. Cause if I am not caring what people really think about me, then I won’t be afraid to get close to them. If I am not caring what people think about me, then I won’t live my life trying to get attention. This will free up so much of my time and give me back ‘my life’.
Seriously…where does something like this originate? Sure, I can go back to school and say I had it rough and people picked on me which caused me to be insecure which led me to not wanting to be close to people because I assumed everyone would think I was a geek, a wimp, a pussy, a loser. Thinking about school, I remember during my senior year, that our Senior Memories book or something like that was put out. I read in there that in 2nd grade (that’s the year I transferred to Jonesville), that I became the heartthrob. Heartthrob?? ME?!?!? That means, that at that time, I was on the precipice of something. I could have gone on from there to be one of the popular kids. One who was well liked. So what happened? Where did the shift from ‘heartthrob’ to ‘geek being pushed around the locker room’? Was there some pivotal moment in my elementary school experience where instead of going down the ‘cool’ path I chose a different one and therefore sealed my fate? How different would my life be, my self-confidence, my overall attitude about myself be if I had remained on that one road.
On top of that, say something did happen. Say I get in touch with what happened. Does that mean all of a sudden my life will turn around? I will be completely different? Or does all this realization just mean that I have THAT much more work to do on myself to change these behaviors that no longer work for me? Do you ever get tired of working on yourself? I know I do.

Monday, June 30:
Today is Shelly’s birthday and I’ve been wondering all day if she received my package I sent with Sarah. I thought if she had, I’d have heard from her by now.
In this place, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to be American. How lucky I am to be white. How lucky I was to be born to good parents. How lucky I am to have an education. How lucky I am……(fill in the blank with a thousand possible answers). How does one consciously balance that feeling of luckiness with all the misery, hopelessness and poverty that exists in the world? I know I’m being a tad dramatic, but… Really…how is it possible for me - with all that I am blessed with - mainly just because of circumstance and the color of my skin - how am I supposed to accept all that comes my way - having lived in a place where people have nothing? How does one wrap their minds around it in order to continue through life feeling good about oneself? Must I give up everything like Mother Theresa in order to make things even? Can I have a good, comfortable, successful, bountiful life after leaving here? Can I consciously do that without always struggling with justification? Forgive me for waxing poetic or should I say forgive me for my pseudo-spiritual rant. I am just looking for answers. Answers that may not exist for me.

Where are all the flowers?

Thursday, May 1 - Monday, May 5:
I had stuck around Mpungu instead of heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday because everyone in English club said they didn’t want to go so long without class. They did decide to move class to 9, instead of 11 so I could get out a little earlier. Well, only 1 person showed up at 9. I was kinda pissed, but then again, that’s Namibia. I went ahead and taught the class because the one student had walked 10k to be there. I then grabbed my stuff, headed to the hike point, and made my way to Sarah’s.
Coleen and Juice were there, so it was good to hang with them a bit, and then Sarah and I headed to Rundu. We were surprised to find some of the Caprivi kids there as well. We hung out that night, had a great dinner which included banana’s Foster, lol, and played poker - which I am NOT good at. Friday morning Sarah and I started hiking which included me witnessing a stray dog getting hit and thrown by a car. It was gross, laying there with it’s tail still wagging. Then I got to see some locals remove it from the highway and haul it off to their hut - I won’t guess as to what they were going to do with it. Affter about 10 hours - ALL FREE mind you - we arrived in Windhoek. The hike there included a ride with two Namibian teacher’s in their soccer van, a short stint in a semi-truck, a ride with an Afrikaaner with Zebra steaks in a cooler in the back seat, then a ride with a Ministry of Health worker.
We arrived and checked into the Cardboard Box, a backpacker’s hostel. I have never stayed in a hostel and now I’m a huge fan! It was only N$75 a night which included breakfast. We caught up with Izziza, Amanda and Mariko (a Kenyan volunteer who transferred here when all of them were evacuated) and went out to dinner at Taal, the Indian place. Saturday, was spent hangin’ out in the city with people slowly arriving. We spent time at the mall - I was getting quotes for my theater project. We found out there was a reggae concert at the Warehouse, so tickets were purchased. Then it was back to the hostel as more 27ers arrived and ‘catching up’ ensued. A handful of us headed to an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, only to find it closed. We then had Italian at Sardinia’s. It was by far, the best pizza I have had in the country - then it was off to the concert.
The music was amazing (and loud) and of course the club was very smoky - all kinds of smoky. My eyes were aching by midnight and I was ready to go. Some of us headed back, while others hung out till very late. I’m WAY too old to stay out THAT late. On Sunday, we slept in a bit, had breakfast, then while the girls took Izziza to the airport, Mariko and I headed into town for more quotes and some tahini.
Afterwards, we picked up all our clothes (after having washed then in a REAL coin operated washing machine) and got a cab to the PC office. SCORE! Most of the 27ers had shown up and it was great seeing them all again. We were then shuffled to Greiter’s, this amazing lodge on a hill outside the city that has the most beautiful views of the mountains. The air and silence is wonderful. We had dinner and then I crashed around 9.
Today is the first day of training which is good and bad. Long days, but useful information. More catching up. I got my 2nd Hep A shot and was supposed to get a flu shot but got out of it. I never get sick - like that kind of sick - and I don’t want a shot of something that could make me feel bad. The day is almost over and I want to chill out and watch the sky. I also did yoga this morning as the sun came up over the mountain top - fantastic!

Tuesday, May 6:
Last night we did an exercise were many different feeling statements - ie. not sure, disillusioned, life is great, etc. - were placed around the room and we had to stand by how we felt after 4 months at site. I stood directly between ‘not sure’ and ‘counting the days’. My reasoning is all the things I’ve already talked about but it was nice to share those thoughts with other people feeling the same way. After sharing with other PCVS, the one common link was the realization that Peace Corps is a job. Yes, we don’t get paid a lot and it’s not as structured as a stateside job (except for education volunteers) but basically at this point we’re all settled down into a routine. The only difference is that we are in another country. So a lot of people who are disillusioned and thinking about going home, feel like they could be doing what they are doing here - BACK in the states.
See, on the surface, and what you see in the ads for PC or what promoters of PC say - is only about 15-20% of what life is actually like. They never mentioned the arbitrary times or how you become so habituated to the things that thrilled you upon arrival. Through all of this can come a sense of boredom - even though you are in such an amazing place. It’s this reality that makes most people want to return to the states. It’s just been nice to hear everyone’s story and discover we are all in similar places.
The health people also went on a tour of a local hydrophonic garden which was great, but would be virtually impossible t reproduce in my village. We also toured a local hangout of a youth group where the kids were amazing! It makes me very excited to get back and work with the OVCs. Oh and as I was eating a piece of candy, I lost a crown on a tooth. Great! This better not mess me up for going to Swakopmund next weekend, that’s all I’m saying.

Wednesday, May 7:
Okay, so I am back to the ‘not enjoying this’ part of training. So much of what they are telling us we have either already figured out on our own or should have known before we left for site. I came to reconnect hoping it would be all about where to get money and for what. NO! I’ve received very little information about that and with limited internet at my site, it’s just going to make things take that much longer.
On top of that, we’ve started learning about project development and evaluation. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. At site I was just beginning to feel like I was finding my way…now I am back to ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’. There are all these steps and procedures that need to be performed in order to accomplish something and have it be sustainable. I believe at site I have skipped a lot of steps in order to ‘feel ‘like I was doing something. I realize that’s my issue. I am impatient. I am used to just ‘doing’ and not ‘planning’. It’s what I loved about volunteering at Caracole. They pretty much let me do what I wanted - within reason. No meetings to go through - no red tape.
I’m going to have to go back to my site and digress just a bit. Have some meetings and get a few more people on board with my projects. I am SO glad I am on vacation next week!

Thursday, May 8 - Sunday, May 11:
I think I wrote last on Wednesday or was it Tuesday? Anyways, it’s now Sunday - Mother’s Day - so I’ll try and catch everyone up. Wednesday is escaping me, so I’ll start with Thursday.
We had 2 different guest speakers. One was a guy who preaches abstinence across Namibia and doesn’t believe in promoting condom use. I thought I was going to dislike him but he made me see a different side of the HIV fight. I disagreed with his philosophy and approach in regards to women, but the info about how condom promotion isn’t working that well, made sense. I’m still gonna offer condoms to young people, but there are other alternatives as well.
We then heard from an American who talked to us about proposal writing. He was loud, egotistical and a showoff and though I partly agree that we should try and get money for projects from wherever we can, he ended up being poorly received. Most PCVs did not like him at all. It definitely made me look at getting money differently. A part f me wants to find money wherever I can to accomplish the projects I’m doing, but I also have to learn how to make things sustainable.
All that said - I AM IN SWAKOP NOW NOW!!! This place is amazing! It’s cold and foggy and the water is great and there are paved roads and tons of stores and houses along the beach and pizza shops…OMG! I’m on a real vacation. It’s fantastic the amount of diversity in culture, people, topography, etc. that exists in this country. It’s equally as strange to know that here there is all this money and million dollar homes and back in my village there are people not eating. How do I justify or balance this in my head? How do I allow myself to enjoy thai food tomorrow for dinner knowing the people who are becoming my friends in Mpungu will never enjoy a meal like that? I still don’t know how to do this.

Monday, May 12 (9:00 am on the beach):
How is it that I have never lived by the ocean? It calms and centers me like nothing else. Is it that powerful for everyone? I wonder. I think about the people in my village who have never seen the ocean - not even a picture of it. What would their experience be like the first time they stepped foot in the wet sand? To go a level deeper - why is it that I get to have this experience and so many other’s don’t? What in the universe lined up allowing me to have the life I do when I know people who are living in stick huts with no water or food? Is that fair? Is it karma? Is it luck of the draw? It makes me question the existence of God. Not in the sense that there isn’t a source of love and light existing outside our realm of consciousness, but more so the ‘idea’ of God that most people cling to and many religions idolize. If there was actually a man - a white, English speaking man, lol - sitting in some far away heaven watching every little thing that goes on here - every second of every day - how would or could he live with himself - witnessing all that goes on? Does he have a mind and consciousness that sees a bigger picture that I am incapable of comprehending? Or is the idea of God as a ‘being’ a fallacy created by man for a system of control? Sitting here watching the pounding surf I have no doubt of a presence…of an energy all around me. But to believe that an individual sits ruler over all I see just seems ridiculous and on that note…wouldn’t God, if in reality was some type of supernatural entity, be bored as hell?

Tuesday, May 13 - Thursday, May 15:
What an insane past 3 days. We got up early Tuesday morning to hike to Walvis Bay to go kayaking. It was fantastic! So many seals that would come right up to the kayaks and play with our oars. They were so cute. I saw a lot of dolphins but they weren’t being as playful so they kept their distance. Our guide was super cool and also fed us lunch. Afterwards, Sarah and I wandered around the twon a bit then caught a hike back to Swakopmund. We separated to do our own thing a bit and I lost my ATM card in a BOB machine. I must have transposed some numbers entering my password and when you do that more than 3 times, the machine keeps it. So I went to the FNB where a somewhat cute Afrikaaner guy who used to play rugby for South Africa but is now in a wheelchair due to a quad bike accident, tried to help me. Alas, since I did not have my passport, he could not. Also, my debit card from the states wasn’t working, so if Sarah wasn’t with me, I could have been a little freaked out about how I was going to make it back to site.
I was gonna go to the movies but got a call from Dave which was great cause I hadn’t talked to him in awhile. We then were going to have dinner with Obie and is wife but they were busy. So w went to a bar called FAGINS (NOT a gay bar, lol), then headed home.
Wednesday we got up early and headed to the outskirts of town to hike to Henti’s Bay. We were far away from people so I took a naked hiking picture. I think we are going to make a calendar of them. We made it to Henti’s which is a small fishing town and had lunch. The beach and surf were beautiful. We then got a hike to the road to take us to Uis - pronounced Weec. The place where the truck dropped us was literally in the middle of nowhere and what do you do in the middle of nowhere? Take more naked pics of course! After about 45 minutes we caught a hike with a safari group of French tourists going to see the ‘white lady’ (we’re still not sure exactly what that is). We made it to Uis which looks like a town out of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’. Seriously! After getting something to drink and eat and convincing a drunk man that my tattoos did NOT mean I like hanging out with people who do drugs, we caught a hike to Khorixas. The landscaping was breathtaking and we saw a group of ostriches.
We met up with Jill and Jessica, played Boggle, ate lentil burgers, then crashed. This morning we headed out to the hike point early and had just bargained with a taxi to get us to Outjo for 40 each when we caught a free hike with an English couple. There were fun to talk to. In Outjo we got some bread at a little German bakery that has the ‘poshest’ bathrooms in the entire country. We caught a ride to Otjiworongo - yes, another free one - and then sat in the hot sun there for about 90 minutes before catching a lift to Otavi. There, we caught a ride with a guy from Hamburg, Germany who lives here now and is actually the creator/distributor of MOSSI mosquito nets. He was a pretty funny guy. He took us as far as Groot. We had planned on crashing there for the night, but quickly caught a ride to Rundu with some PEPFAR Government officials. We’ve pretty much travelled over 1500k in the last 2 weeks and it’s only cost us about N$100 each (that’s 10 bucks US). How is it I never hitchhiked in the states???? I’m glad to be back in the north and to have a nice mattress to sleep on! I’ll be home by Saturday since SNL are having a braai tomorrow night. Whew! Long few weeks!

Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18:
Got up early, walked to the TRC to get my yarn and ‘seeds’ from Thea, came back and got Sarah and headed to Red Cross, had a meeting, went grocery shopping and then hooked us a ride. The ride was typical Namibian style. 11 people packed into a combi with all their shit and of course the guy lied to us. We asked if he was leaving right then and he said yes, but that translated into us waiting in the van until it filled up completely which was about an hour later. The problem is that if you change your mind, get tired of waiting, it’s almost too late because your stuff is loaded on the roof with everyone else’s and disembarking only means those people have to wait that much longer.
We arrived - covered in dush - at Sarah’s place and chilled the rest of the day. I had 5 packages waiting at the post. 5! Everytime I have a package it feels like Christmas - SERIOUSLY! - so you can imagine what 5 felt like. I got something from Mark, my cousin Mia, my friends at Caracole, Russ and a guy I don’t even know - just chatted with briefly online one day. They were ALL amazing and Bob and the Caracole crew outdid themselves with over 75 movies! I introduced Sarah to ‘Dead Like Me’ but it didn’t catch, so we watched ‘Boy’s on the Side’ and crashed.
Saturday we slept in, watched some ‘Six Feet Under’, took an hours walk by the river, had some lunch, I did some laundry and then headed to SNL’s for the braai. It was for Alex’s girlfriend who was visiting from the states and most of the Kavango 26ers were there - including many VSOs - including the one who picked us up in Windhoek when we were looking for the gay bar that one night. This country is SO small. The night was great and turned into a dance party with music by a dj called ‘girl talk’. Sarah and I left around 10:30 and crashed watching some movies. Today I will head back to site. I am excited to be returning home and to see Efuta. I am recharged from the past 2 weeks and want to hit the ground running. Or at least at something slightly faster than a leisurely pace.


Monday, May 19 - Tuesday, May 20:
I arrived in on Sunday afternoon, with all my shit and unpacked. It was great to see Efuta - he got so big in just 2 weeks! Monday I spent in my office, sending some emails, starting some proposals and basically getting ultra-organized. I wanted to meet with Lyambezi but he was busy the whole day. I worked up until 4 then headed home to hang.
Today I put some time in on the demolition, sat in on a staff meeting (where I had a lot of points to bring up and they were well received), then worked from my house the rest of the day. Lyambezi still could not meet with me today and left for a funeral - he won’t be back until Monday. I have SO much I need to talk to him about and he seems to be avoiding me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he is always telling me of a position he has applied for in another town - usually Rundu. I have this feeling is going to be leaving soon and I’m not sure where that puts me in regards to PC. I don’t know if I HAVE to have a supervisor or not. I’d rather not. I can run things by other people, including members of the VDC and the headman. I just hope he gets me a stove before he leaves! Tonight I’m going to do yoga, hang with Karel and watch a movie and then read a bit.

Wednesday, May 21 - Thursday, May 22:
Wednesday I had decided to have an initial meeting with the OVCs to get the ball rolling on an after school program. When I had had my first meeting the week before I headed to reconnect, 12 children showed up. I was thinking there would be a few more but not much. Well…227 showed up! I was NOT expecting that. They ranged in age from 7-23. I should have told Fanual to have a cut off age around 17-18 when he made the announcement - that was my mistake.
So it took about 90 minutes to take everyone’s information and there was really no reason to have a meeting with that many kids. I introduced myself to them and what I had in mind but told them I would have to set an age limit and then probably split the remainder into 2 groups that meet on different days. On the spot, I decided that I could have an application process for assistants from the older ones to help me with the 2 groups - so they don’t all feel left out in some way.
Afterwards, I had a talk with Fanuel about how things are going. He informed me that ELCIN - which is the home based health care group - no longer wants to be a part of our garden. This is upsetting to me because the garden was THEIR initial project. I have done my best to make sure they are invited to every meeting and that they were represented on the garden committee. So I don’t know what is going on there and I have to find out. If they pull out, I’m not sure where most of our funding for seeds and such will come from.
Today was going to be English and then a garden committee meeting to discuss the current situation with the garden. Once again, only 1 person showed up for English and only 1 person on the garden committee showed up. I should be used to this by now but the frustration is getting the best of me. There is a part of me that needs to feel like something is DONE or close to being DONE. I don’t have the patience to wait and wait and wait. I realize this is completely my issue but I feel like I’ve been flailing for 5 months now and with nothing concrete for me to work from, I just keep flailing. I know I’ll grow from this and become more patient - it all just adds to my feelings of ‘what the hell am I doing’?. Yes, I’m still wondering that after 5 months!


Friday, May 23 - Saturday, May 24:
Friday was fairly uneventful with me mainly working on the Rukwangali textbook and hanging out at my house. I had tried to meet with Lyambezi all week and today I snagged him for a few minutes. JUST a few, because he was on his way out of town AGAIN. He is SO not into being here. I got a call from Risto that he was coming on Sunday so I should make preparations for the workshop to begin on Monday. NO! I told him. Until I see his face in Mpungu, I’m not doing ANYTHING.
I got up this morning, hung out at the house, did laundry, watched some movies, etc. Pretty boring actually. I decided to walk to the school and check with the principal if the room was still available for the workshop - he was not around. I stopped by and chatted with the pastor to let him know what was up. He seem equally as irritated with Risto. He also gave me a little incite into the ELCIN problem with the garden. Seems they want to do their OWN garden not because of anything I’ve done but because of the lack of motivation on the part of the other participants. The pastor basically said ‘when you leave, the garden will end - no one will keep it going’. That’s fairly disheartening to hear. We hope as volunteers that what we do will be sustainable and continue on after we are gone..to hear that people within the community you are here to help know or feel it won’t even befor eit’s planted, well that’s sad.
I joined the PC because I wanted to make a difference. Because I wanted to do something on a global scale. What if I spend 2 years of my life here and nothing changes? What if after I leave, nothing continues? Is it worth my time being here for the 1 or 3 people I may affect on an individual basis? I need to believe in that, otherwise I could easily return home and continue on with my life there - doing volunteer work and seeing things accomplished. I am now faced with a different sort of decision. All along it’s been about me being comfortable here and if I discovered by July 9th that I was still miserable, to pack it up and head home. Now it’s more about whether I think anything can actually be done here. I’m keeping the faith and hoping I can motivate people in the right way.

Sunday, May 25 - Tuesday, May 27:
This morning Lyambezi decided that it was a good thing that he and I attend the church to help with the announcement of the home-based health care workshop. I told him I did not want to go, that I was not a church going kind of guy, but he said it would look better to the community if I was present - so I went. I ended up being the one who made the announcement with him translating. The remainder of the day was spent figuring out the ‘cow’ situation. It kept getting more and more complicated. They finally figured out a solution, but I have to say, I felt that the counselor - Livimba - did not make himself look good in the process.
I’ve been hearing things about him via different people but not knowing the culture that well and still trying to integrate into my community, I haven’t wanted to believe things. With everything that has happened in the past few days with the meat and the rumors and stuff, I had a long talk with Lyambezi. I think he’s pretty much decided to let the counselor go and find someone new. I have to say I agree with the decision. If the ONE person the community is supposed to trust for HIV testing is talking about people’s status and saying things behind people’s backs, it’s just not productive.
By the way, this was the first weekend I spent at my site by myself that I did NOT experience a GB Sunday! Does that mean I’m settling? Does it mean I am content?
Monday I got up early to head up to the school with the group to start the registration process and first day of the workshop. I went to get the key to conference room from the principal - whom I had just spoken to on Sunday to confirm that the room was still available. He wasn’t home. Neither was is secretary. So I talked to the inspector and he informed me that I did not have a right to use that room. That the principal did not have the authority to give me that room AND he, regardless of the predicament it caused me with the workshop beginning today, would not LET us use it. In the short amount of time I have been in the country, I have noticed one thing for sure. Everyone likes their little bit of control and NO one is flexible. PC teaches us volunteers to BE FLEXIBLE! BE FLEXIBLE! It’s like the PC National anthem or something and yet it doesn’t seem to apply to the locals that we are here to help.
So we ended up doing registration at the clinic, outside and I texted Christine to see if we could access the TRC. She said fine and so we were set. I worked in my office the rest of the day and crashed around 8:30. I’ve been going to bed earlier and earlier lately.
Tuesday, we got to the TRC to discover there was not enough chairs and the space did not have a toilet AND those attending the workshop would have to walk 20 minutes down to the clinic for lunch and then back because we couldn’t cook at the TRC. So of course, those attending were complaining about it. This kind of stuff irritates me. What would you be doing if you were not attending the workshop? Nothing. And yet the fact that you have to walk for your free food…okay, I’ll stop.
I was able to talk to the pastor of ELCIN later that day and before I even asked him, he offered up the church. Thank God! It was nice to have someone just be in the moment and offer assistance without any strings. I plan on giving him some of my own money for the offering when the workshop is over as a thank you.
I was going watch a movie with the UMYA staff but once again fell asleep around 9. I was pleasantly awakened by a phone call from Mark. It’s always great to hear from him. This call felt different though…I’m not sure exactly how or if I can put my finger on it, but there was a distance (not the physical distance) in our conversation. I don’t know what it means. Guess I’ll figure it out eventually.

Wednesday, May 28 - Sunday, June 1:
I discovered that people attending the workshop were complaining about the food. It either wasn’t what they wanted to eat or it wasn’t enough. It totally pissed me off. I mean, these people are supposed to be attending because they want to do home-based health care, NOT because they are being fed. I realize it’s a survival thing with them, but it’s still an irritation with me.
Thursday I had planned on heading to Sarah’s in the afternoon, but ended up catching a free ride around 10 am, so I hung out with her that day. It was taco night at SNL’s so dinner was awesome. We got up early Friday to head to Rundu with Suvi (a missionary from Finland who now lives in Nkurenkuru with her husband and two small children). I had a lot to accomplish while there and a short amount of time to do it.
I waited for 90 minutes at the bank to replace my BOB card, discovered the RISE program through the Ministry of Agriculture no longer existed, got some quotes for my AFHS corner at the clinic, picked up my stuff at the TRC, printed some pics, had lunch, bought a plant at the Ministry of Forestry, and bought groceries. The 6 hours I was there went by very fast. We returned to Sarah’s and watched some Six Feet Under.
Saturday was a lazy day. I ran to pep for a lentil strainer and the hardware store for a pipe wrench to fix my bathroom sink. Watched some movies, read and then headed to SNL’s for dinner and Pictionary. It was quite a fun evening with me being introduced to a drink that contains gin and lemon juice and some carbonated beverage. Needless to say, I was feeling good. A heated discussion ensued over the power of words. I fell asleep on the floor while they argued about the ‘N’ word and whether or not it is a bad word on it’s own or if it depends on the intention of the user. I don’t think they found common ground.
Today I was a serious couch potato. I read a lot, watched movies and then finally called my super for a ride back to site. All I wanted to do was unpack, pick up Efuta and cook dinner. The UMYA gang really wants to watch a movie, so I guess I’m gonna do that and be a little social.

Remains of April

Friday, April 18 - Sunday, April 20 (morning):
I waited around my flat in the morning to see if people were going to show up to work on tearing down the future outdoor theater and then decided to just go ahead and start working. Within a few moments people began to show up and we started tearing at the walls and hauling away dirt and bricks. They had started tearing it down while I was gone and had dragged out a lot of what I considered unsalvageable junk. Rusted metal cabinets, warped wood tables, an oven…etc. I considered the stuff trash but I realize how things are viewed here and so innocently I told them they could take whatever they wanted home. I figured it was better to recycle it then have it sitting in a pile of debris.

After a few hours, we broke for the day and people began to pick up their goods and head home. What I didn’t realize is that one of the nurses in the clinic had called the matron at the hospital in Nankudu and ‘told on me’. Next thing I know, she is sending the security guard to track all the stuff down and make people return it. I thought it was complete nonsense - it’s not like any of it should or could be used in a hospital again.

Later today, Fanuel came to me again, saying the nurse was causing problems and so I decided to confront her. She didn’t really have a logical explanation for what she was doing, ‘cept for the fact that it was ‘government’ property and needed to be cleared before giving it away. I still thought it was bullshit. I called the matron and explained the situation to her and she said the same thing. I was getting really irritated. If it IS government property and has to be checked by them before giving it away, it will sit in our clinic for YEARS before someone drives all the way out here and confirms anything. I tried to call Mr. Sintago in Rundu, but he had left for the day, so on Monday, I have to figure this all out. In the meantime, everyone had returned the stuff.

My neighbor tracked me down and informed me that the dog that I had fallen in love with a few weeks back, was going to be given to me. He’s a beautiful blue/grey dog with eyes like the ocean. I was excited - we were going tomorrow to get him. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up my place, working on Rukwangali, watching a movie, reading, etc.

Saturday, we worked some more on the theater and I apologized to the people for what happened. They were concerned that they were tearing down the building in vain and that when finished, someone would come along and say no, we want that back. I hadn’t thought to get the pastor to sign anything giving us ownership of the space, but now I’m going to have to do that. We made progress and I am getting excited about having movies nights.

The rest of the day I watched movies, did some yoga, read…until my neighbor came and got me to go get the dog. We walked a long way (in the dark) to their homestead, got the dog and headed home. I gave him a quick shower so he wouldn’t stink and then it was time for bed.
Today I was sitting on the veranda petting him (I’ve named him Efuta - Rukwangali for ocean) and felt some bumps on the inside of his ears. I flipped one over and to my HORROR discovered a MILLION fleas nesting there. I began to check him all over and discovered he is COVERED in them. He has more fleas than fur!! It’s the most troubling/disgusting thing I’ve seen yet. The worst part is that I have no flea shampoo nor anyway to get any until I return to site from re-connect. That means, that he and I have to live with it for about a month. I feel so bad, but there is a part of me that wants to give him back because I don’t want to infest my flat with fleas and that’s what’s going to happen. I started picking them off individually with tweezers but it’s not use. I even broke down and sprayed roach spray on some of the densely infected areas, but it’s not working. This is gross. It’s making me sick to my stomach which is kind of stupid but I just don’t want to have to deal with fleas on myself and in my stuff.


Monday, April 21:
The dog dilemma has been settled slightly...I ran into my neighbor and was telling her about the flea situation and low and behold she had flea powder! Expired flea powder, but flea powder all the same. Where the hell did she get flea powder? Lol Anyways, I dowsed the little bugger good and shut him up in the bathroom for about 45 minutes. Then I gave him a thorough bath and about 85% of them were gone. I then took some tweezers and did some scouting. Removing the rest of the dead ones and pulling off a ripe one or two.

I was concerned that he would whine all night and keep me up but he didn’t do have bad. He did throw up in the middle of the night though. Rocks. Yes, he through up rocks. I have NO idea when he ate them but I’m surprised he didn’t seriously injure himself when he did. We made it through the night though.

I worked a few hours in the garden this morning - clearing and burning brush. It was actually chilly today and I wore jeans. I then came back and began working on a proposal to turn my office into a ‘cool’ space for young people. The Ministry of Health is launching a new ‘Adolescent Friendly Health Services’ program and most clinics are converting corners or areas of their clinic into comfortable and private spaces for teens to seek medical attention and advice. My office is perfect because it’s away from the main reception area but not so far as to inconvenience nursing staff.

I worked on a few other things and actually filled the day. Lyambezi’s daughter and niece are staying with him while school is out and they wanted to play with my dog so I planned on doing yoga while they kept him out of my way. Then they asked if they could watch a movie with me and I was going to say tomorrow, but then I got into a long-winded conversation with him and it got late, so we all ended up watching Harry Potter. My super was really funny. He kept asking me if the creatures and things in the movie were real. He could not understand that they were computer generated and not really there. It was cute.

Tuesday, April 22 - Wednesday, April 23:
I decided to go work in the garden a bit since I didn’t have anything else pressing to do. The garden is taking longer than I had hoped it would, but seeing that we haven’ t heard back about our proposal yet, it’s not a big deal. As I was leaving the clinic though, I noticed some of the housekeeping staff working on the grounds and they had a wheelbarrow. I found out it was the pastor’s and asked if I could use it when they were done…so instead of the garden, I worked on the theater.

Lyambezi came out to chat for a bit while I was working and asked why when we reconstruct the wall for the theater, that we don’t just use the foundation to build an actual community hall. For whatever reason it didn’t even cross my mind but once he said, it made sense. I don’t want to wait around for estimates for building the actual hall and postpone the theater…but what I decided we could do was use the money FROM the theater initially, to turn it into an actual building. I mean, we charge N$2 for admission and do the movies twice a week, we should average about N$200 a week, which is about $28 US. I don’t know how much it would cost to build a roof, but cement is N$60 a bag and we can make the bricks ourselves…so we could build the hall slowly, little by little, instead of waiting around for money to do it all at once then waiting around for someone to build it.

The remainder of the day was spent working on the Rukwangali text. I was able to add about 5 pages to it. It’s looking really good.

Wednesday meant work in the garden day. I usually wait around for people to arrive and then walk up with them, but today decided to go early. I started clearing brush and pulling weeks and after a few hours, the rest of the crew showed up. The men began working on digging/cutting out stumps, I started burning brush. I have to say. I was really tired and my hands hurt, but I feel like such a pussy. I’m watching these men who are in their 50s, with HIV, and hardly get anything to eat - working their ASSES off and I’m complaining to myself that I’m tired and my hands have blisters. I kept wanting to stop clearing brush (the easier of the tasks) and go help chop or dig, but kept holding back….because I was tired. There was a part of me that was worried that if I start helping and then REALLY get tired and have to stop, that it would make me look bad. How stupid is that? Worried about what they might think of me? The thing is, they wouldn’t judge me at all - wouldn’t even cross their minds. That weird of me, right?

After lunch, I had called a meeting with OVCs because I want to start an after school program or youth group of some sort. I’ve been trying to find a way to work with young people and this was perfect because currently there is nothing going on in Mpungu for them. About 16 showed up, 2 boys, the rest girls. We talked a little about what they would like to get out of the group - tutoring for school, HIV education, emotional support, fun, etc. and then scheduled the first meeting in May when I return from Swakopmund. I think it’s going to be a lot of fun spending time with them and I look forward to the positive impact I can have on their lives.

Thursday, April 24 - Monday, April 28:
Today in English class I introduced the group to pluralization of nouns, reviewed greetings and possessive pronouns/adjectives and briefly went over numbers which they already knew. After lunch, I met with the HIV support group. For whatever reason, they hadn’t really been meeting on a regular basis and it was important to me that we at least meet once a month. I wanted it to be a time where people come together to support one another and talk about issues and difficulties they faced during the previous month. It ended up with them complaining about the same things everyone complains about when we get together - stigma, too many HIV+ people drinking, and no transport.

Well, I’m trying to reduce stigma by all the activities I’m creating for the HIV group. They kept mentioning how we needed to do a workshop. I hate workshops. I think this country is workshopped to death! People only utilize them for something to do and the food - rarely does anyone attend because they are really wanting to change a belief or opinion they have. As far as the drinking goes, I’ve told them EVERY time we meet, to come up with some disciplinary actions around drinking and stick to them. They never do. They just keep complaining about it. Transport will ALWAYS be an issue and those who came from villages far away, I suggested they start smaller support group meetings within their own communities. Most of them didn’t like the sound of that, lol.

Friday I worked a bit on the theater building…tearing down and clearing and then I headed to the hike point to get to Sarah’s. I wondered how it would be hiking with Efuta, but he did fine and we didn’t wait all that long for one. Him making it through the weekend in Nkurenkuru was another thing. He’s still potty training and when he pisses or shits in my place, I spank him and just clean it up. When I’m in someone else’s place (ie. Sarah’s), there is a sense of panic, concern about the other person’s things. Without going into too much detail….it will be awhile before I take him with me again, lol.

Sarah had a visitor - a friend of a friend who is teaching in Swakopmund. Netra was also from Cincinnati, so we had a fun couple of days chatting about our ‘home’. Netra left on Sunday and shortly after, Amanda and Izizza (from Cameroon) came into town. Amanda is from our group and she and Izizza are friends from college. It was very interesting learning about a PC experience in another country. It was nice to realize that no matter where you are, as PCV you are constantly questioning whether or not you are having an impact and what exactly constitutes one? We all came to the conclusion that it is usually the one-on-one interactions where people are affected by you, than the big things like gardens and workshops. I have to completely agree with that. Since I’ve been here I’ve thought that how I engage with people on an individual basis will mean more in the long run than starting a community theater - though that will also have an impact.

On Saturday, Julia (Sarah’s Namibian friend) took us to Angola. We went to the border crossing, showed ID’s, paid a dollar and were ‘canoed’ over to the other side of the river. Angola is not much different form Namibia…except for all the MOTORCYCLES!!! OMG. They were everywhere. It really made me miss mine and trust me, if I am able, I am going to purchase a used one here. It would be great to use to get to Sarah’s and back.

I was introduced to RISK..which I had heard of, but never played. I discovered very quickly that my ‘I don’t like to lose’ mentality, has not diminished one iota since I arrived. It was weird, I thought I had chilled out more than that and it wouldn’t bother me, but it reared its’ ugly head. Why am I like that and why do I not have control over it? I go into the game saying I want to have fun and enjoy myself and the minute I’m losing, I freak out and become an ass. I really need to look at that.

Now that I am back to site (Monday), the residual GB Sunday is hovering around me. After all this time, I still question whether I want to be here. It’s no longer about whether I can DO the job. It’s not even so much about the isolation any more. The bottom line is, is this where I need to be in my life right now? Is it the best place for me? I’m not sure. I know the fact that another one of us just left last week because she missed her boyfriend and wanted to move forward with their relationship doesn’t help the doubts. I still can’t shake the ‘I’m going to be here for 2 years’ feeling OR the ‘am I missing out on something more important back home’ sensation. Those 2 things are clouding my perspective. I really hope that by the 6 month mark I’m in a different place.

Tuesday, April 29:
This was a fairly long and uneventful day. I did meet with the representative from Red Cross to discuss some things in regards to rapid testing and community counseling. Other than that, I studied a little Rukwangali and chilled. I did watch a movie/documentary called ZeitGeist. If you haven’t seen it…SEE it! It will definitely make you think about some things.

One thing that did surface during yoga/meditation time today was the realization that I spend way too much time worrying and thinking about what other people think of me. It actually rules my life much more than I have ever given it credit. I can’t figure out why. This is a sucky thing to admit, but I think one of my reasons for joining the Peace Corp. (on the list of my 100 reasons, lol) is that I wanted people to think I was a good person. An altruistic person. I wanted people to look at me differently because I did this. I wanted them to like me. Why do I work so hard to get others’ approval…why isn’t just being me and all that that entails, enough? It just sucks to think that I’ve spent almost 40 years of my life doing what I thought other people would want me to do. Doing things to make people like me. Making decision based on what I thought other’s would think of the results. Where the hell does THAT stem from and how do I change it? Fuck. Another layer peeled back with no clear answer to how to jump the current track. J

Wednesday, Apri 30:
I got up this morning and went for an hour’s walk. I started it yesterday. I decided that even though I hate to ‘run’, that taking a stroll every morning would be good. It’s especially nice in this cooler weather. When I returned, I was going to change clothes and head to the garden to work with the others, but I noticed they were working on the theater project instead. So, not asking questions, I changed my plans and put in a few hours there. I’m hoping we can get it completely cleared by the end of May and then focus on rebuilding.

I then chilled a bit and worked on my English plan for tomorrow. At 2 we had a meeting to firm up plans for National Testing Day next Friday. I’m REALLY disappointed that our first ‘real’ project together is something I have to miss. I am even tempted to leave my camera so people can take pics, but I need it for Swakopmund.

We went over all the details and I re-explained the concept of the ‘raffle’ and everyone seems to be on the same page. I pray everything falls into place. Because tomorrow is a holiday, they decided to move English club up to 9, which is great. I can get on the road sooner tomorrow and maybe Sarah and I can make it to Groot by nightfall.

The First Few Weeks of April

Sunday, March 30 - Monday, March 31:

The most fulfilling part about today is that I made a deal with the boys at the hostel that if they spent 30 minutes helping me clean up the courtyard at the clinic, that the next time I was in Rundu, I would buy them a new soccer ball. See, the time I helped coach a game a few weeks ago, they popped their existing ball - which hardly had any life in it left anyways. They had asked if I would buy them a new one and I said no, that I did not have the money. I then decided later that day that I would get them one, but they would have to work for it. I refuse to be the white man who just gets everybody everything they ask for.

They worked very hard cleaning and then I surprised them by showing up with a ball. They all cheered and thanked me and it was a success. I’m thinking I could get them to help me accomplish some other things around the clinic.

Today, Monday, I worked in the garden a bit. I also twisted my ankle slightly which adding to the injury from yoga a few weeks back, has left my left foot very sore. I worked on the computer a bit, dropped off some mail at the ‘posa’ and then had 3 girls from the school stop by my office to ask my some ‘boyfriend’ questions. Now I’m watching Casino Royale and thinking that it would be a great movie to show when I get my theater up and running - lots of action and plenty of sports cars - the boys will love it.

Tuesday, April 1:

Worked my tush off in the garden today and then decided to knock off and take it easy. Gideon and Johanna stopped by while I was dozing in the hammock. They just wanted to chat…but what I discovered was that Gideon has some important things to tell me about Fanual, the community counselor. I may or may not have mentioned that a few weeks ago a boy from the school stopped me on the road to say that he wanted to get tested for HIV but has heard that the counselor tells peoples’ status to the community. I had brushed it off but told him to come see me when I returned. Gideon proceeded to tell me something very similar. Now I will have to meet with my supervisor when he returns. I really don’t like being in this position because if Fanuel gets fired, then we are without a counselor and I am without a counterpart. But at the same time, if we have a counselor who is not keeping things confidential, then no one will come and get tested.

Besides that small amount of drama, I took it easy. Part of the culture I am still not used to is that when people stop by your house, they expect to be fed. Gideon and Johanna kept making references to being hungry and that it was almost lunch time. If I am preparing or have prepared food, I have no problem sharing. But I am not going to get in the habit of making food for people just because they stop by. Otherwise, people will keep stopping by when it’s time to eat.

I then got to talk to Dave via Skype and immediately following, got a phone call from my friend Joel. It’s always nice to connect with the states. For dinner I tried to make pap (maize meal) and it turned out okay. I then started creating a photo slide show of all my pics - in preparation for this next Christmas.

Today, overall was really good and I found myself in a really good place. It will be interesting to see how settled I am in 3 months. As I was looking back at pics from when I first arrived, I could attach that desolate feeling I had back then to them. I know I don’t feel that intensely about being here anymore. I guess I am settling in. Whew…

Wednesday, April 2 - Friday, April 4:

Okay, so I haven’t written in a few days but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except for how much FUN I had today!!! I taught my first English!! It was the most fun I’ve had since arriving here. It was scary and exhilarating and fun and scary and…. It was awesome. I didn’t do a lot of preparation and had decided that the first class was only going to be about 30 minutes long. I ended up doing most things straight from the hip and the class went 90 minutes. People were laughing and speaking English and really enjoying themselves. Okay…I get to teach a 2 hour English class once a week. I cannot believe I am so pumped about something so simple. I can’t even remember what happened over the past few days. I taught an English class. I get to teach an English class. Oh, and Sarah is coming tonight for the weekend, yippee!!!

Saturday, April 5 - Sunday, April 6:

Another fun-filled weekend with my wife, lol. We spent Friday night catching up on the past 2 weeks. We had a LOT to talk about. I had decided that Sarah and I were going to go horseback riding on Saturday and ironically she had gotten a hike with a kid who’s folks have horses. So we were excited about Saturday. She also delivered a package from my acting buddies in Cincy. It was GREAT!!! I got a Frisbee, a hand-held video game, coloring book, suckers, Mike & Ike’s, playing cards, crayons, toothpaste, 4 movies, Listerine and some wonderful words of encouragement. Man is was great! We walked to the store to get Sarah some Tafels and me a cold drink and I showed her the garden area. She was impressed.

Saturday came and went and the horse guy never showed. We decided to take a hike and at one point thought we had gotten lost in the bush. We found a trail and just kept following it and made our way back. It took about 2 hours….fun! For dinner we enjoyed Velveeta Shells and Cheese and taco seasoned lentils compliments of my sister. Then we settled in with ‘No Country for Old Men’. Today we worked on the puzzle, read a bit, played Frisbee with some local kids which was a blast and then I walked Sarah to the hike point. Just like always, we waited for about 2 hours and when we had decided she would just stay until Monday and headed back to the clinic and of course, she got a ride then. All 3 times she’s been out here this happens…from now on I’m just going to tell her that we walk to the point and immediately head back…that way she is guaranteed a ride, lol. Overall, today’s GB Sunday wasn’t all that bad. I’m now watching the first Godfather and then it’s off to bed.

Monday, April 7 - Friday, April 11 Morning:

I’m writing in my journal 10 days past due, so I’m really stretching to remember the past week and a half. Monday and Tuesday I spent some time working in the garden in the morning time and just working on the Rukwangali textbook out of my flat in the afternoons. On Wednesday I headed to Nkurenkuru to hang with Sarah before heading to Outjo on Thursday. She had planned on making dinner for Scot, Lindsey and I but ended having to meet with people so I did the cooking. Dinner was quiche and French fries - which wasn’t so bad if I do say so myself.
Let me backtrack a little…Lyambezi finally returned and I got to show him the garden - he really liked it - along with my idea about an open market in Mpungu. I then worked for an hour there and on the way back ran into Gideon & Johanna, who informed me there was a meeting, one of which I didn’t know about. We had scheduled one the day before to plan for National Testing Day, but no one showed up.

So, stinking and dirty, I helped them organize the day which includes a raffle, testing incentives, contests with prizes, a parade with songs and a prayer by the minister. It should be a very good day - I just won’t be there because of re-connect. I’m actually mad cause it’s our first big event as a group and I”d LOVE to take pictures.

So on Thursday, after breakfast, Sarah and I headed to the town council’s office because she had snagged us a ride. He was waiting on a fax so we walked to the hike point and ended up catching a ride with a teacher that I knew in Mpungu. We got to Rundu, met up with Chris, had lunch at the car wash and then he and I headed to Engin in hopes of catching a free hike to Outjo. SCORE! After onlya bout 20 minutes we landed a ride in a BMW with an Afrikaaner named Donnie. I had not ridden in an actual car since arriving - needless to say, I fell sleep in the air conditioning. We had been listening to various CDs on the way when suddenly Alphaville starts playing and he asks me if I know the group??? Lol. I started laughing out loud - here I am hitchhiking in Namibia, riding in a BMW listening to music from my high school days! Can you say tears in my eyes?

Donnie took us as far as Grootfontein where we then had to find a ride to Otjiworongo. By the way, before we landed a ride with Donnie, we met 2 American missionaries from Indiana! We caught a ride with a Namibian family travelling for a funeral. I had originally turned them down because there were way too many people in the boot but then the mother gave us the front seat. It sounds snobby on my part but I get car sick if I am crammed into the back with too many people.

We made it to Otjiworongo just before night fall, went to Super Spar for some dinner and then walked towards Outjo in hopes of a ride. We ended up cramming into the back seat of a small car with 2 other guys - all speaking Damara. Damara is the ‘clicking’ African language. It made the last hour of our journey to Amanda’s very interesting.

Amanda lives in an old folks’ home for Afrikaaners - none of the residents speak to her. This is the only town left in Namibia that still feels like it did before Apartheid. It’s dangerous, racist and there is a clear distinction between blacks and whites here. They don’t speak to one another. I’m so glad I live in the north where the racism isn’t so apparent.

Friday, April 11 Evening - Sunday, April 13 Afternoon:

I’m sitting on the balcony of the Jon Janker holiday apartments in Windhoek, shivering, wrapped in a comforter. I never expected to be caught ‘shivering’ at any point while in sub-saharan Africa. The last few days have been a blur and though there is a small fear that this dose of reality will make it more difficult to return to site, I believe it may have been the ‘recharge’ I need to continue on.

Friday we got a small tour of Outjo from Amanda and then caught a ride to Ojti with Jeff - the guy who gave us our hike the night before. We met up with Dave from Tsumeb about an hour later and spent a couple of hours trying to land a free hike to here. Just as we had found a guy who would hall us for N$50 each, I snagged a free ride in the back of a truck with some HIV workers.

We squeezed into the back with all our stuff and theirs with barely room to move and headed out. We made it about 20k north of Okahandja when as we crested a hill and going 140kph, crashed into a car that was stopped dead in the middle of the road. They were German tourists who had stopped because baboons were crossing the road and they wanted to take pictures. In hindsite the experience for me was somewhat comical - at the time, it was terrifying. I have not been in a serious car accident before. What I remember is this…my back was to the front while everyone else was sitting side to side. We were all talking about something or other when Amanda looked up with shock in her eyes and said something about ‘we’re going to hit the car’. At the same time, I was looking out the back and saw a baboon cross the road and commented on it. Then Dave and Chris looked forward - terrified - and the breaks were slammed down hard. With no visual awareness of what was going on, all I could do was brace myself and wait for impact. Upon connection with the car, all three of them were thrown into me - fortunately I had 2 backpacks behind me that I had pushed myself into and they broke any kind of injury I could have sustained.

We all made it out of the situation okay, including the 3 people in the front and the 2 tourists. I don’t want to think what would have happened if there had been a car following us at the same speed. I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. The funniest thing about it was the completely unscathed avocado on our windshield that had originally occupied a space in the back of the other car!

I flagged down another car to get us the rest of the way - there was little we could do for the people there. We landed a ride with a family of 4, arrived in Windhoek, checked into our deluxe accommodations and headed to the mall for some shopping and sushi. Yes, sushi in Namibia. Now, in the states I was never a big fan of hanging out at the mall - Mark will attest to this - but here, I welcome the opportunity to experience civilization. We caught up with Katie and Brooke and ventured on. I bought some board games - Scrabble and Pictionary - for Sarah and I, some other essentials, we had sshi - which wasn’t half bad - got stuff for breakfast, then headed back to the rooms to sleep.

Saturday began our first day of VSN training and it was great. I knew a couple of hours into it that it was the perfect fit for me. We went through coaching exercises and regulations throughout the day. At lunch Jay, Chris and I headed out to eat and check some prices for external hard drives. We ended up running into a parade - a big parade - for some Afrikaaner celebration. Surreal moment #47! All these fat, drunk Afrikaaners on floats throwing candy at the crowd. We never were able to figure out what it was all for.

I found an inexpensive hard drive and headed back for more training. The afternoon flew by and we came back to the apartments for some Pictionary before dinner. It was great fun! We ate at an Italian place where for the 3 hours there, we could have been in any major city, anywhere in the world. I had ‘La Mussa’ pizza and a grilled chicken salad with assorted veggies including broccoli. Broccali!!! I haven’t eaten THAT since landing here. It was heaven on a bisquit. I also got a little hammered on some iced tea concoction and flirted with our waiter. Everyone seemed to find it hysterical and the brief amount of one-sided flirtation alleviated a miniscule amount of built up SF.

Sunday, April 13 Evening - Thursday, April 17:

Our final day of training and I was pumped. We worked on our program for re-connect, broke for a great lunch at the café attached to the Namibian Craft Center and then headed back to Jon Jonkers to chill before dinner. We discovered that the Indian restaurant was closed so we headed to Spar to grab something quick. It was also closed so we headed to Spur. This place was American Native Indian themed and WAY over the top! Beyond gawdy! Dave, Amanda, Katie, Brooke and I could not stop laughing at everything. I got some great video of it. We headed back for some more Pictionary which was great fun but the sore loser in me kept rearing its ugly head…and yes, my team lost.

Monday we checked out, said good-bye to the people hiking and Chris and I dropped our stuff at the PCV med flat with Kami and Shayna. We had made the decision to stay another day because of a PC ride heading to Rundu on Tuesday. We walked ALL over the city. We just needed to find a place to sleep that night. We called the guy who works for the Embassy who lets people stay with him, but he was full. I was then going to try Drew, someone Sarah had met but I hadn’t, who has a guest house there. Chris was going to try Heather (another PCV), because her college roommate lives in Windhoek now. It all sounds so weird doesn’t it? Just trusting our lives to strangers and them, their homes to us. But I’ll say it again, when in the PC most people open their homes to you.

I went to meet with Linda at the American Cultural Center to try and snag some English books and dictionaries for my English Club. Within 5 minutes of conversation, she invited Chris and I to stay with her and her husband. Her husband, as it turns out, is the previous director of Peace Corp. Namibia. What the hell? Such a small friggin’ world. She took me to the store room which was fairly picked over, but I did find some geography books and simple readers. No dictionaries though - I’ll have to figure out something else on that end.

Chris and I walked Kami to another mall so she could buy a laptop cooler/fan thing, then headed out to find the office of the Rainbow Project. It’s the LGBT resource center for Namibia. I had a great meeting with the director Linda and now Sarah and I are satellite counselors of sort for the organization. They had just had, the week before, a family travel 700k to meet with them because their son had tried suicide because he was gay. They travelled from around where I live. I could have saved them a trip…but now, Sarah and I are ready to be there.

Chris and I went to Fruit & Veg for lunch - which is somewhat like a Jungle Jim’s. We then went to find the InterCape office to buy a ticket for Paul. We then went to the movies. Yes. I finally got to sit down in an actual theater and watch a flick. Horton Hears a Who - to be exact. Movies in the states were always my drug of choice. They helped me escape. And here, for almost 90 minutes…I forgot where I was. When the movie was over, I actually cried. Guess I just got a little homesick from the experience.

We met up with some 26ers and had dinner at Taal - the Indian restaurant. I opened the menu and the first thing I saw was ‘chicken tikka’. I instantly began to tear up again (it was definitely a day to let it all out, lol) and left the table to call Mark. Ya see, that’s what he always ordered when we went to Baba in Oakley. I talked non-stop for 60 seconds just to tell him I was thinking about and that I loved him…then went to order. We all got something different so we could share and it was amazing.

Chris and I got a cab to Linda and Jeff’s, hung out and chatted with them a bit before heading to bed. A real bed. With a real mattress, lol. I slept like the dead. In the morning we hung out with them a bit, had some breakfast, then Linda dropped us off at the med flat. Oh…I spotted my first scorpion! Inside their house!!

We finally left Windhoek around 9:30 and after 8 hours of travel arrived in Rundu. Oh, and I saw my first school of meerkats on the way. I had hoped to make it all the way to Sarah’s before dark, but since that wasn’t happening, I crashed at Patricks. There was a big package waiting for me there! Kim and Becky from back home sent me a TON of stuff and I’ve been eating girl scout cookies and PoppyCock for the last few days. Thanks guys! You have no idea how much I appreciated it and how much I miss you both.

Wednesday morning I was waiting for Stanley the driver (I had left some yarn I purchased in Windhoek in the back of the vehicle), but then decided I wanted to get on the road. I got a cab to Engin, waited a bit, then caught what I thought was going to be a ride with some guys. They said they had to go pick up 5 other people. I jumped in the back with my stuff and on we went. When we got to where the others were supposed to be, they weren’t there so we left. Then I discovered I was being dropped off at another hike point because NOW the guys weren’t taking me since it was only ME, lol.

I ended up taking the Venture and had to wait about an hour before it was filled enough for us to take off. There was a family who teaches at Scot’s school in Nkurenkuru and they were traveling with their 5 year old son David. Now David truly is the CUTEST kid I’ve EVER seen! He’s beautiful! And he climbed into the front seat with me and NON-STOP asked me question after question. What’s that? What color is that? How many cars are there? 1 question after another. It was GREAT fun and I was thankful that my earlier ride had changed. He ended up getting tired and I rubbed his head until he fell sleep.

I made it to Sarah’s town, had a quick bite to eat with her, then got a ride to Mpungu. On the way we passed a smashed up truck which I found out later had contained a new teacher in Mpungu - a guy who just graduated college. He died in the accident. Damn. Life is SO fragile here. They had tried to pass another car at night and just lost control. This is why I don’t like traveling at night!

Upon arrival to Mpungu, everyone was glad to see me, sorry to hear about the accident I was in and I headed to my flat to rest and prepare for Thursday’s English club. Today, I worked some more on my lesson for the day. It went off without a hitch! Everyone seems to be enjoying my class so much - ME included! I had lunch, then met with the people in charge of making posters for National Testing Day. With that accomplished, I returned home to watch the rest of ‘Jesus Camp’, do some yoga, and have dinner. It’s taken me about an hour to type and catch up with my journal, so I’ll certainly not slip on that responsibility again!