Remains of April

Friday, April 18 - Sunday, April 20 (morning):
I waited around my flat in the morning to see if people were going to show up to work on tearing down the future outdoor theater and then decided to just go ahead and start working. Within a few moments people began to show up and we started tearing at the walls and hauling away dirt and bricks. They had started tearing it down while I was gone and had dragged out a lot of what I considered unsalvageable junk. Rusted metal cabinets, warped wood tables, an oven…etc. I considered the stuff trash but I realize how things are viewed here and so innocently I told them they could take whatever they wanted home. I figured it was better to recycle it then have it sitting in a pile of debris.

After a few hours, we broke for the day and people began to pick up their goods and head home. What I didn’t realize is that one of the nurses in the clinic had called the matron at the hospital in Nankudu and ‘told on me’. Next thing I know, she is sending the security guard to track all the stuff down and make people return it. I thought it was complete nonsense - it’s not like any of it should or could be used in a hospital again.

Later today, Fanuel came to me again, saying the nurse was causing problems and so I decided to confront her. She didn’t really have a logical explanation for what she was doing, ‘cept for the fact that it was ‘government’ property and needed to be cleared before giving it away. I still thought it was bullshit. I called the matron and explained the situation to her and she said the same thing. I was getting really irritated. If it IS government property and has to be checked by them before giving it away, it will sit in our clinic for YEARS before someone drives all the way out here and confirms anything. I tried to call Mr. Sintago in Rundu, but he had left for the day, so on Monday, I have to figure this all out. In the meantime, everyone had returned the stuff.

My neighbor tracked me down and informed me that the dog that I had fallen in love with a few weeks back, was going to be given to me. He’s a beautiful blue/grey dog with eyes like the ocean. I was excited - we were going tomorrow to get him. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up my place, working on Rukwangali, watching a movie, reading, etc.

Saturday, we worked some more on the theater and I apologized to the people for what happened. They were concerned that they were tearing down the building in vain and that when finished, someone would come along and say no, we want that back. I hadn’t thought to get the pastor to sign anything giving us ownership of the space, but now I’m going to have to do that. We made progress and I am getting excited about having movies nights.

The rest of the day I watched movies, did some yoga, read…until my neighbor came and got me to go get the dog. We walked a long way (in the dark) to their homestead, got the dog and headed home. I gave him a quick shower so he wouldn’t stink and then it was time for bed.
Today I was sitting on the veranda petting him (I’ve named him Efuta - Rukwangali for ocean) and felt some bumps on the inside of his ears. I flipped one over and to my HORROR discovered a MILLION fleas nesting there. I began to check him all over and discovered he is COVERED in them. He has more fleas than fur!! It’s the most troubling/disgusting thing I’ve seen yet. The worst part is that I have no flea shampoo nor anyway to get any until I return to site from re-connect. That means, that he and I have to live with it for about a month. I feel so bad, but there is a part of me that wants to give him back because I don’t want to infest my flat with fleas and that’s what’s going to happen. I started picking them off individually with tweezers but it’s not use. I even broke down and sprayed roach spray on some of the densely infected areas, but it’s not working. This is gross. It’s making me sick to my stomach which is kind of stupid but I just don’t want to have to deal with fleas on myself and in my stuff.


Monday, April 21:
The dog dilemma has been settled slightly...I ran into my neighbor and was telling her about the flea situation and low and behold she had flea powder! Expired flea powder, but flea powder all the same. Where the hell did she get flea powder? Lol Anyways, I dowsed the little bugger good and shut him up in the bathroom for about 45 minutes. Then I gave him a thorough bath and about 85% of them were gone. I then took some tweezers and did some scouting. Removing the rest of the dead ones and pulling off a ripe one or two.

I was concerned that he would whine all night and keep me up but he didn’t do have bad. He did throw up in the middle of the night though. Rocks. Yes, he through up rocks. I have NO idea when he ate them but I’m surprised he didn’t seriously injure himself when he did. We made it through the night though.

I worked a few hours in the garden this morning - clearing and burning brush. It was actually chilly today and I wore jeans. I then came back and began working on a proposal to turn my office into a ‘cool’ space for young people. The Ministry of Health is launching a new ‘Adolescent Friendly Health Services’ program and most clinics are converting corners or areas of their clinic into comfortable and private spaces for teens to seek medical attention and advice. My office is perfect because it’s away from the main reception area but not so far as to inconvenience nursing staff.

I worked on a few other things and actually filled the day. Lyambezi’s daughter and niece are staying with him while school is out and they wanted to play with my dog so I planned on doing yoga while they kept him out of my way. Then they asked if they could watch a movie with me and I was going to say tomorrow, but then I got into a long-winded conversation with him and it got late, so we all ended up watching Harry Potter. My super was really funny. He kept asking me if the creatures and things in the movie were real. He could not understand that they were computer generated and not really there. It was cute.

Tuesday, April 22 - Wednesday, April 23:
I decided to go work in the garden a bit since I didn’t have anything else pressing to do. The garden is taking longer than I had hoped it would, but seeing that we haven’ t heard back about our proposal yet, it’s not a big deal. As I was leaving the clinic though, I noticed some of the housekeeping staff working on the grounds and they had a wheelbarrow. I found out it was the pastor’s and asked if I could use it when they were done…so instead of the garden, I worked on the theater.

Lyambezi came out to chat for a bit while I was working and asked why when we reconstruct the wall for the theater, that we don’t just use the foundation to build an actual community hall. For whatever reason it didn’t even cross my mind but once he said, it made sense. I don’t want to wait around for estimates for building the actual hall and postpone the theater…but what I decided we could do was use the money FROM the theater initially, to turn it into an actual building. I mean, we charge N$2 for admission and do the movies twice a week, we should average about N$200 a week, which is about $28 US. I don’t know how much it would cost to build a roof, but cement is N$60 a bag and we can make the bricks ourselves…so we could build the hall slowly, little by little, instead of waiting around for money to do it all at once then waiting around for someone to build it.

The remainder of the day was spent working on the Rukwangali text. I was able to add about 5 pages to it. It’s looking really good.

Wednesday meant work in the garden day. I usually wait around for people to arrive and then walk up with them, but today decided to go early. I started clearing brush and pulling weeks and after a few hours, the rest of the crew showed up. The men began working on digging/cutting out stumps, I started burning brush. I have to say. I was really tired and my hands hurt, but I feel like such a pussy. I’m watching these men who are in their 50s, with HIV, and hardly get anything to eat - working their ASSES off and I’m complaining to myself that I’m tired and my hands have blisters. I kept wanting to stop clearing brush (the easier of the tasks) and go help chop or dig, but kept holding back….because I was tired. There was a part of me that was worried that if I start helping and then REALLY get tired and have to stop, that it would make me look bad. How stupid is that? Worried about what they might think of me? The thing is, they wouldn’t judge me at all - wouldn’t even cross their minds. That weird of me, right?

After lunch, I had called a meeting with OVCs because I want to start an after school program or youth group of some sort. I’ve been trying to find a way to work with young people and this was perfect because currently there is nothing going on in Mpungu for them. About 16 showed up, 2 boys, the rest girls. We talked a little about what they would like to get out of the group - tutoring for school, HIV education, emotional support, fun, etc. and then scheduled the first meeting in May when I return from Swakopmund. I think it’s going to be a lot of fun spending time with them and I look forward to the positive impact I can have on their lives.

Thursday, April 24 - Monday, April 28:
Today in English class I introduced the group to pluralization of nouns, reviewed greetings and possessive pronouns/adjectives and briefly went over numbers which they already knew. After lunch, I met with the HIV support group. For whatever reason, they hadn’t really been meeting on a regular basis and it was important to me that we at least meet once a month. I wanted it to be a time where people come together to support one another and talk about issues and difficulties they faced during the previous month. It ended up with them complaining about the same things everyone complains about when we get together - stigma, too many HIV+ people drinking, and no transport.

Well, I’m trying to reduce stigma by all the activities I’m creating for the HIV group. They kept mentioning how we needed to do a workshop. I hate workshops. I think this country is workshopped to death! People only utilize them for something to do and the food - rarely does anyone attend because they are really wanting to change a belief or opinion they have. As far as the drinking goes, I’ve told them EVERY time we meet, to come up with some disciplinary actions around drinking and stick to them. They never do. They just keep complaining about it. Transport will ALWAYS be an issue and those who came from villages far away, I suggested they start smaller support group meetings within their own communities. Most of them didn’t like the sound of that, lol.

Friday I worked a bit on the theater building…tearing down and clearing and then I headed to the hike point to get to Sarah’s. I wondered how it would be hiking with Efuta, but he did fine and we didn’t wait all that long for one. Him making it through the weekend in Nkurenkuru was another thing. He’s still potty training and when he pisses or shits in my place, I spank him and just clean it up. When I’m in someone else’s place (ie. Sarah’s), there is a sense of panic, concern about the other person’s things. Without going into too much detail….it will be awhile before I take him with me again, lol.

Sarah had a visitor - a friend of a friend who is teaching in Swakopmund. Netra was also from Cincinnati, so we had a fun couple of days chatting about our ‘home’. Netra left on Sunday and shortly after, Amanda and Izizza (from Cameroon) came into town. Amanda is from our group and she and Izizza are friends from college. It was very interesting learning about a PC experience in another country. It was nice to realize that no matter where you are, as PCV you are constantly questioning whether or not you are having an impact and what exactly constitutes one? We all came to the conclusion that it is usually the one-on-one interactions where people are affected by you, than the big things like gardens and workshops. I have to completely agree with that. Since I’ve been here I’ve thought that how I engage with people on an individual basis will mean more in the long run than starting a community theater - though that will also have an impact.

On Saturday, Julia (Sarah’s Namibian friend) took us to Angola. We went to the border crossing, showed ID’s, paid a dollar and were ‘canoed’ over to the other side of the river. Angola is not much different form Namibia…except for all the MOTORCYCLES!!! OMG. They were everywhere. It really made me miss mine and trust me, if I am able, I am going to purchase a used one here. It would be great to use to get to Sarah’s and back.

I was introduced to RISK..which I had heard of, but never played. I discovered very quickly that my ‘I don’t like to lose’ mentality, has not diminished one iota since I arrived. It was weird, I thought I had chilled out more than that and it wouldn’t bother me, but it reared its’ ugly head. Why am I like that and why do I not have control over it? I go into the game saying I want to have fun and enjoy myself and the minute I’m losing, I freak out and become an ass. I really need to look at that.

Now that I am back to site (Monday), the residual GB Sunday is hovering around me. After all this time, I still question whether I want to be here. It’s no longer about whether I can DO the job. It’s not even so much about the isolation any more. The bottom line is, is this where I need to be in my life right now? Is it the best place for me? I’m not sure. I know the fact that another one of us just left last week because she missed her boyfriend and wanted to move forward with their relationship doesn’t help the doubts. I still can’t shake the ‘I’m going to be here for 2 years’ feeling OR the ‘am I missing out on something more important back home’ sensation. Those 2 things are clouding my perspective. I really hope that by the 6 month mark I’m in a different place.

Tuesday, April 29:
This was a fairly long and uneventful day. I did meet with the representative from Red Cross to discuss some things in regards to rapid testing and community counseling. Other than that, I studied a little Rukwangali and chilled. I did watch a movie/documentary called ZeitGeist. If you haven’t seen it…SEE it! It will definitely make you think about some things.

One thing that did surface during yoga/meditation time today was the realization that I spend way too much time worrying and thinking about what other people think of me. It actually rules my life much more than I have ever given it credit. I can’t figure out why. This is a sucky thing to admit, but I think one of my reasons for joining the Peace Corp. (on the list of my 100 reasons, lol) is that I wanted people to think I was a good person. An altruistic person. I wanted people to look at me differently because I did this. I wanted them to like me. Why do I work so hard to get others’ approval…why isn’t just being me and all that that entails, enough? It just sucks to think that I’ve spent almost 40 years of my life doing what I thought other people would want me to do. Doing things to make people like me. Making decision based on what I thought other’s would think of the results. Where the hell does THAT stem from and how do I change it? Fuck. Another layer peeled back with no clear answer to how to jump the current track. J

Wednesday, Apri 30:
I got up this morning and went for an hour’s walk. I started it yesterday. I decided that even though I hate to ‘run’, that taking a stroll every morning would be good. It’s especially nice in this cooler weather. When I returned, I was going to change clothes and head to the garden to work with the others, but I noticed they were working on the theater project instead. So, not asking questions, I changed my plans and put in a few hours there. I’m hoping we can get it completely cleared by the end of May and then focus on rebuilding.

I then chilled a bit and worked on my English plan for tomorrow. At 2 we had a meeting to firm up plans for National Testing Day next Friday. I’m REALLY disappointed that our first ‘real’ project together is something I have to miss. I am even tempted to leave my camera so people can take pics, but I need it for Swakopmund.

We went over all the details and I re-explained the concept of the ‘raffle’ and everyone seems to be on the same page. I pray everything falls into place. Because tomorrow is a holiday, they decided to move English club up to 9, which is great. I can get on the road sooner tomorrow and maybe Sarah and I can make it to Groot by nightfall.